Chapter Three
Lennon
Gordon’s dad’s shop was wicked-crowded for lunch on a Friday, but all the seniors had practically bolted off the school property after the grad ceremony.
Me being one of them.
Except when I lingered to talk to Jade.
Right. Minus that.
Heat swirled deep in my gut as I sat across from my father, waiting on our food to arrive at the table. Besides the drawings I secretly kept, Jade Aaron had been a fascination of mine since she had made an adorable comment about the sparkles on the red fender in my room.
After that I used any excuse I could come up with to get her to talk to me. I’d once told her I needed help with an algebra problem.
I didn’t even take algebra.
I resisted the urge to face-palm myself, and instead tried to get my mind off Jade and onto whatever it was my father was saying. I couldn’t help the distraction—she was incredible. The perfect combo of beauty and brains with the most epic sense of humor. Then Dad had warned me off.
It had been a slap in the fucking face, but I couldn’t really blame him. I had a bad—and mostly true—reputation for going through girls, but it wasn’t like everyone assumed. I wasn’t sleeping with every chick who flashed me a grin and screamed while I was on stage.
That was the problem—the reason why I never stayed with one girl too long. Most were only interested in who I was going to be, not who I actually was. They wanted to say they’d dated a celebrity—not that I was technically famous yet—but I was known enough that they got a taste of it. The fame. The parties. What life would look like on tour.
A rock star’s girlfriend.
Titles meant everything to the girls who gave me the time of day.
“Lennon.” Dad’s voice cut through my thoughts, and I was shocked to see a basket with a big-ass burger and fries sitting before me. He eyed my food, then me, while crunching on his own fry. “Did you hear anything I said?”
I chomped down on my burger, shaking my head.
He laughed. “You worried about the show? Or you feeling the grad-day blues?”
A laugh ripped from my throat so fast I nearly choked on the bite I’d taken. I washed it down with a fast drink of soda. “Hell, no,” I said.
He chided me with a silent look.
I shrugged. “I’ve been ready to say goodbye to that school since the day I walked in.”
Dad dropped his burger into his basket and crossed his arms over his chest. “Really?” he asked with a knowing look. “And all those extra hours in band class? They didn’t help you at all?”
I shoved a handful of fries in my mouth to ignore his relevant point.
“You were born talented, Lennon,” he said. “But you didn’t get to be as great as you are without the help of that school. Those teachers helped you find your strengths and weaknesses.”
“Ha,” I said. “What weaknesses?”
He chuckled. “You were born cocky, too.”
“Well, you know what they say, like father like son.”
He scoffed at me before picking up his burger again. “I was never as cocky as you.”
“Uh-huh. So it wasn’t you who convinced a poor ticket attendant that we had box seats to the 49ers game and that the seats on our actual tickets were a matter of a computer malfunction?”
He cleared his throat, focusing too intently on his drink. “Okay,” he finally said. “Maybe you have a little of me in there.”
I nodded, satisfied with my win.
“How’s your mom feeling about tonight?” he asked after we’d eaten in peaceful silence for a while. The minute he brought Mom up, my stomach churned. It was the look in his eyes when he mentioned her—it was the same every time. A mixture of pain, anger, and regret.
“Good, I guess.” I swirled the tip of a fry in ketchup with no intention to eat it. “She’s been prepping food since yesterday. Got some new speakers for the lake house…” I shifted back in my seat, waving off the details when I saw Dad swallow hard. “Never mind.”
“No, don’t stop on my account.” He urged me to continue but I let it lie.
I hated being in the middle of them. Being their only source of information on the other. And I hated that guilt ate at my insides for wanting to have the party at Mom’s new lake house as opposed to my childhood home. There wasn’t a thing wrong with Dad’s house, or hell, even Mom’s main house she’d moved into once they were divorced—it was the lake that appealed to me. The idea of playing on a dock-stage over the water. Rocking one hell of a show before we went on the summer tour I was in knots about.
“All right,” he said when I hadn’t continued. “If it’s not the show, and not graduation…what has you so distracted?”
A sense of dread filled my chest the second it clicked behind his eyes.
Lecture in three, two…
“Jade.”
I released a pent-up sigh.
Something like pity colored his features before he focused on his fries. “I saw it earlier. The look in your eyes when they landed on her. It’s the same as it was four years ago. It hasn’t dulled?”
“Nope,” I said, forcing myself to finish what was left in my basket even though I’d completely lost my appetite.
“I know graduation is probably forcing you to think about the past…”
I gave him one nod, my mouth full.
“But you’re about to leave, Son.” He shrugged. “You’ve done it. And despite your mother and I wanting you to go to college, we know you’re going to follow that dream all the way. Bringing a girl into it, especially one like Jade—”
“Dad,” I cut him off, saying around a mouthful of burger, “I know.” If he could see how much I was into Jade all these years, why couldn’t he support it for once?
Because you both know she’s a girl who deserves to be number one.
And my number one wasn’t a girl.
It was the stage.
Music was in my blood. I’d never wanted to do anything else.
I’ve wanted to kiss Jade since the first moment I saw her.
That much was true. But I hadn’t. Because of my own battle and Dad’s warning. I glanced up at him, narrowing my gaze. Leaning forward, I lowered my voice. “If you’ve been so set against me liking Jade all this time…why have you snuck me her drawings?”
He jolted before his shoulders dropped. “Because, Son,” he said. “I can see. And…” He shook his head like he was struggling for words. “I wanted you to have something even though your gift has you destined for the road.”
I leaned back, my arms over my chest. “So you know I’m never going to college,” I challenged, realizing his statement only further showed that he knew as well as I did my future wasn’t in a classroom.
“You’re impossible. Using my own words to trap me. Not cool. Tours aren’t going anywhere, you know?” Dad continued. “Your music will only get better with time.”
I chuckled. “College isn’t going anywhere, either, Dad. If the time comes that my soul needs some schooling on Biology 101 and Modern American Lit, it’ll be right there waiting for me.”
“If you went to school, there would be no more reason to stay away…” Dad opened his mouth like he wanted to say more before quickly closing it.
My stomach sank, and my heart flew all at the same time. The vision of spending time with Jade—really spending time with her, getting to know her beyond the conversations we’d had—made that constant craving for her presence roar at an all-time high. I’d take her to the art specialty store on our first date and let her pick out any paints or chalk pencils or charcoal pieces or whatever it is that would make her smile. Then dinner and dessert and a walk down Main Street. Just us. No warnings or walls between us. I’d finally get to know if her lips tasted like cotton candy like I’d dreamed about for years.
Another vision, her in tears as I said goodbye. Left her cold and alone. For the road.
I shook my head. “No.” The answer was solid, but the battle raged in my heart; the idea of dating Jade was an intense temptation I couldn’t shake.
Dad gave me an encouraging smile and pointed a fry at me.
“I know it’s hard,” he said, “but people with gifts like yours often have to make the hard choices.”
I shrugged, trying to shake off the heat swirling in my chest. “It’s not a hard choice. Jade is, and has always been, just a friend.” And a distant one at that. It wasn’t like we hung out beyond the practice breaks.
Because I knew I wouldn’t be able to resist the temptation with any more given time.
Right.
I shoved down the conflict churning my stomach, and we finished our meals. Dad left an exactly 30 percent tip, like always, before he dropped me off at my car back at school.
“Lennon,” he said, stopping me as I opened the car door. “Thanks for today.”
I swallowed hard, the air in my lungs suddenly thick. “Anytime.”
“Hope tonight goes great, Son.”
“I’m sure it will.” I cleared my throat, desperate for air. “Thanks, Dad.”
The temptation to invite him to the show portion of the party was on the tip of my tongue. He attended every gig I’d ever asked him to, but tonight was about graduating and landing the record deal and extended tour. About the crowd going wild for Ignited Hearts in front of Rachel from LockedIn. The last thing the party needed was a teacher present. Still, the craving was there—to show him, once again, I was better suited to the stage than the classroom.
I hurried to close the door before we could start crying or hugging it out. I don’t know what it was about Dad—maybe we were too much alike—but he had the ability to cut straight to my heart without ever openly saying a word. His thanks for the lunch today was code for how much he was going to miss me when I went on tour, and I felt the same way.
But it wouldn’t stop me from going.
…
“Hey, man, did you draw this?” Blaise asked the question before he rounded the corner, coming out of my room at the lake house. He held up one of Jade’s drawings I had accidentally left out—this one of a leafless tree that had vacant eyes that peered at you through the branches if you looked at it from the right angle.
“No.” I snatched it out of his hand. “Why were you in my room?” I pushed past him, opening my nightstand to lay the drawing—which was on the back of an old calc test—in the notebook on top of the pile I’d collected from my father’s stash. He’d kept them under the guise that he was using them as examples for the younger students he taught…and he did, with some of them. The others? It was a father’s pity for a son crushing on someone he was forbidden to touch.
“Whoa.” Blaise held his hands up as he leaned against the doorframe. “You told me to find an extra set of amp cords. Figured this was the first place I should look.”
I blew out the breath in my lungs. “Right.” I pointed behind him where a huge box rested on our living room coffee table. “I set all the extra stuff out there.”
“My bad,” he said, and spun around to dig through the box in the other room.
“No worries, man.” I shut the door, not wanting any unexpected visitors once the party kicked off. An image flashed hot behind my eyes—a mess of long blond hair, black rimmed glasses, and the most adorable laugh I’d ever heard. I wouldn’t say no if Jade wanted to visit.
The thought of her discovering the drawings I’d had my father pass along to me made my skin tighten. God, she’d think I was a creeper in the biggest way. But it wasn’t like I was stalking her…I just happened to admire her skills.
“Who drew that, then?” Blaise asked while he wrapped a cord around the palm of his hand.
I shrugged. “Why?”
I didn’t want to out Jade. She’d never boasted about her drawings around school before, and I assumed she either didn’t realize how talented she was, or she was keeping it a secret. Either way, it wasn’t my place to tell.
“Tell me it wasn’t left for you by that stalker-chick Lori.” Blaise looked mortified as he stopped wrapping the cord up mid-spiral.
“No!” I cringed at the thought of her sneaking into the house to leave me a love note. Not that the drawing was a love note, but Lori had left notes of that nature in my locker at school.
“Phew,” Blaise said, returning to his wrapping. “That chick scares the hell out of me.”
“You!” I gaped. “Dude, she wrote my name on her hip in permanent marker last week!”
“Yeah.” He laughed. “Ten bucks she gets it tattooed there over the summer.”
A shudder raked my spine. Lori wasn’t a horrible person; she just couldn’t take a hint. A junior who had drank a little too much of the Ignited Hearts juice. I had tried several times to be nice and tell her I wasn’t interested in dating, or whatever it was she wanted to do with me besides leave obsessed comments on my feeds, but she never got the picture.
“Twenty says she tries to sneak into the party,” he continued, and I shook my head.
“No way, man. I specifically said seniors and up only.”
“Yeah,” he said. “Let’s hope that works.” He shrugged. “Anyway, man, that drawing was wicked-awesome. Whoever drew it could make us one hell of a new album cover.”
I raised my brows at him. “Especially if the record exec tonight signs us.” I’d always been partial to hand-drawn covers. If we got signed, maybe I could work in a deal to bring in my own artist. More excuses to keep in touch with Jade.
My heart lifted at the thought of having to get her number tonight for the sole purpose of enlisting her skills for a new cover in a few months.
I figured I may never have an excuse to see her again after tonight. It’s not like I could finally ignore my father’s demand to stay away from her and start something up, only to disappear on a tour across the country for three months.
The knowledge sank heavy in my gut, and it was only then I realized I’d been counting on getting closer to her after I’d personally made sure she’d be here tonight.
Well, shit.
I shook off the feeling, knowing it was a good thing I had never pursued her like I’d always wanted. We were bound for drastically different lives. That, and she deserved to be with someone who would be there for her for more than a few weeks at a time.
I had big plans that went beyond the summer tour, and none of them involved staying in one spot for too long. She was better off. We both were.
Then why does your chest ache?
I rubbed at the spot, wishing like hell I could ignore the voice in my head. The one that had called me an idiot for not getting closer to Jade like I’d always wanted all these years. The one that put words on the tip of my tongue whenever we’d “run into” each other during Mathlete practice. Those meetings were anything but chance, and I was shocked she’d never caught on to it.
I lived for those short and sweet snippets of conversation. I could talk to her freely, as easily as breathing, never once having to second-guess my standing with her. She may not jabber on like a lot of the other girls in school did, but she never sugarcoated anything, either. She was one of a kind—smart, witty, beautiful, and with the perfect amount of awkwardness that made me want to help her build up that confidence until she could see the girl who shined in the mirror.
“I’m gonna take these outside,” Blaise said, bringing me back to the present.
“I’ll be out in a bit. Still have things to set up in here.”
“Got it,” he said as he carried an armful of cords out our back door and toward the dock we had set up as a stage over the lake.
I glanced at my cell. T-minus four hours until people would start showing up for the party. I wandered into the kitchen to take a peek at all the food Mom had stocked for us.
“Hey!” I snapped when I rounded the corner and spotted Liv rummaging through the fridge. “That’s for the party.”
She pulled out a small tray, set it on the counter, and peeled the plastic wrap back. “Mom made you chocolate almond truffles? Seriously?” She shook her head as she eyed the chocolate mounds on the tray. “You are so spoiled!” She scooped one up and turned to lean against the counter, winking at me as she took a bite.
“Score,” I said, plucking one off the tray and leaning next to her. “Didn’t realize she had.” I devoured the thing in one bite, the sugar rush helping soothe the tension in my muscles even if for just a few moments.
I surveyed her from the corner of my eye, realizing her hair was a frizzy mess and she was still in her flannel pajama pants. “Dude, did you just get up?”
She nodded, swallowing the last of her desert breakfast. “I can lounge in bed as long as I want to. Perks of summer, little brother.”
“True.” Summer hadn’t officially started for me yet.
Actually, my vacay would only consist of a week off. Then we would be tour bound.
“What’s up?” she asked, nudging me before she went to grab a water bottle. She tossed me one and snagged another for herself before returning to lean next to me. “You look like you might puke up that truffle.”
I opened the bottle, took a fast swig of ice-cold water, then screwed the cap back on. “I don’t know. Something about today.”
“Grad-day blues?” she asked, and she sounded so much like Dad in that moment I laughed.
“What?” She smiled.
“Dad asked the same thing.”
“Well, it’s totally a thing.” She eyed me. “But that doesn’t seem like something that would bother you.”
“You know me.”
“I do.” She furrowed her brow, studying me for a moment before something clicked behind her eyes. “Oh,” she said, nodding to herself. “I see.”
“What?” I asked. “No you don’t.” I swallowed hard, the smirk on her face too familiar.
“What is it you’re regretting, I wonder?” She tapped her finger on her chin. “Nothing to do with school. You’ve got that in your rearview.” She looked me up and down. “Nothing to do with leaving your friends behind because the ones you’re closest to are your bandmates, and they’re going with you.” She snapped her fingers, and heat flooded my cheeks. “A girl? Really?”
I huffed and pushed off the counter, walking to the opposite side of the kitchen. “No idea what you’re talking about.”
She chuckled. “Aw, baby brother. That is too adorable.”
“Stop,” I groaned. “I’m not adorable. I’m the lead singer of a rock band. I’m dark—broody even. Not adorable.”
“Not to me you’re not,” she said, crossing the kitchen to pinch my elbow. “To me you’ll always be my drooling baby brother who once spit chewed-up Oreos into my milk.”
I burst out laughing. “You deserved it!”
She pinched me again. “You were two! You can’t possibly know that!”
“Anything I did to you, you deserved. You were evil—an evil genius—but still. You once buried my favorite G.I. Joe in the school sandbox.”
“Well,” she said, rolling her eyes, “you ate my favorite Lip Smacker.”
“It tasted like Dr Pepper! How could I not want to eat it?”
We glared at each other for a few moments before we both laughed so hard tears pooled at the corners of our eyes. I grabbed my side, enjoying the moment of levity on a day that had been nothing but heavy.
“Anyway,” she said, reeling it in. “Who’s the girl?”
“Again,” I said, clearing my throat, “no idea what you’re talking about.”
“BS.”
“I’m about to go on tour, Liv. For three whole months. And after that, if I get my way, who knows how long I’ll be on the road. Why would I be hung up on a girl?” The lie tasted bad on its way out, and I couldn’t tell who I wanted to convince more—her or myself.
“I get that,” she said, her tone softer. “I really do. But something is eating at you. And I know when you’re lying. Just like I knew when you said you hadn’t stolen my twenty-dollar black eyeliner freshman year.” She eyed me, and I smirked. “Seriously, Lennon. I get it. But I also remember what it was like on grad day. Everything hits you at once.” Her eyes got a far-off look as she shook her head. “The excitement of leaving high school behind, and the terror over what college…or a tour…will bring. The friends you wished you would’ve made, and the enemies you wished you’d buried the hatchet with. Grad day is one big pile of emotions that are usually battling an opposite—you want to leave home, but you’re terrified of the unknown. Or you want to meet new people, but are scared to leave your friends behind,” she said and squeezed my shoulder. “Trust me. I get it. And it sucks, leaving with regrets. So if there is any way to start your tour with closure on whatever it is that’s eating at you…” She pressed her lips into a line before letting me go. “I’d find a way to do it.”
I swallowed hard, wishing she didn’t know me as well as she did all while being grateful for it at the same time. She grabbed another truffle off the tray and turned toward the hallway.
“Liv?” I called before she could round the corner.
“Yeah?” she asked, spinning back around to face me.
I locked eyes with her, the story of Jade and me on the tip of my tongue. The words got tangled in my throat, terrified of her saying I wasn’t good enough for her, too. I already knew it was true, but I also hated the idea of leaving this town without knowing what could’ve been.
“Do you have any regrets?” I finally asked, crossing my arms over my chest.
Her grin was soft, almost sad. “Not anymore.” She winked at me. “Heed my words, baby brother. Don’t hold back. Not tonight.”
I nodded. “See you later.”
“Wake me up when the party starts,” she teased.
“You’re going back to bed?” I scoffed as she kept walking.
“Summertime, bro!” she called back to me.
I laughed, re-wrapped the chocolate-almond things, and put them back in the fridge. I’d have to set all the provisions out in a few hours, but everything was pretty much ready to go.
Maybe Liv was right.
Maybe it was graduation, the rapidly approaching tour, or a combination of both, that made me feel like tonight was my last shot to tell Jade how much our “nothing” conversations had meant to me over the last four years. She’d been something real, something bright, and something so unique, I’d never found another feeling like when I was next to her. And though I’d stayed away for her own good—and still would—that didn’t have to stop me from thanking her for it all tonight.
The thought made my stomach tie up in knots and I forced a deep breath through my lungs. I never got nervous about a party. Hell, I’d thrown several at my dad’s house in the past—sure, they hadn’t included record producers waiting to determine if we were good enough for a contract, but still.
There was something about my sister’s words of advice that settled deep into my bones.
Something about tonight.
Something about it being the last high school party that made me feel like I had nothing left to lose, and everything to gain.