Alexander

Most addicts won’t accept they’re addicted. That’s a fact. Not a fact I read in some shitty self-help book, either. It’s something I see every day, every time I have to pluck the same old assholes from the jaws of a custodial sentence.

That’s the other thing about money – it grants the privilege of eternal self-delusion.

My clients aren’t addicts, they’re professionals with hobbies. No client has ever looked me dead in the eye and admitted they’ve got a problem, not even in the cold light of day with their back against the wall and their freedom well and truly in my hands.

There’s always a million excuses. A set-up, burning the candle at both ends, living life to the max, and, of course, the best one – they went a little overboard.

That’s what they call snorting drugs all weekend and setting fire to your five-star hotel suite – going a little overboard.

Addicts. I’m surrounded by them.

I am one.

Porn, webcam girls, escorts… a constant itch I can’t scratch. A tick behind my eyes. A nausea… a need.

But there’s no self-delusion where I’m concerned. I know exactly what I am. I know exactly where I’ve come from, too.

It was neither selflessness nor an amiable disposition that saw me agreeing with every single one of Claire’s custody demands when she loaded up our boys and a couple of token houseplants and took off to Hampshire in her – my – new plate Range Rover.

I could have fought her, and I could have won. Hired myself a nanny, or checked the boys into full-boarding at their private school and fought her every step of the way until she was too tired to fight me anymore.

She’d run out of both money and stamina long before I ever would.

But I didn’t fight her. Not because I didn’t give a shit about losing my boys – believe me, I gave plenty of fucking shits – but because of the final seething line Claire delivered as she slammed the door on our life and me along with it.

You’re just like your father, Alex. Just like your filthy fucking father!

I’d poured myself a whisky as the Range’s tyres screeched down our driveway. Thought about it as I smoked a cigarette, and thought about it some more as I smoked my way through another, and another after that, until the whisky bottle was all but empty and my tie was loose around my neck, and no matter how hard I thought about it there was only one verdict.

Every piece of evidence stacked up against me.

Guilty as charged.

My sentence was the realisation that I love my boys even more than I despise my father. And that’s exactly the reason I only see them once a week on a Sunday.

It’s better that way.

For them, not me. Definitely not for me.

It’s a shitty day today, the kind of light drizzle that makes the world look miserable as sin. I head away from London, with the headlights on low-beam in the dull afternoon, listening to nothing but the rhythmic thump of the wipers and Brutus panting in the passenger seat.

Claire hates it when I bring the dog. She trusts him less than she trusts me.

Under normal circumstances, I’d say she was right. The animal has a foul temper and his social skills skirt closer to nil even than mine. But Brutus loves our boys, just as I love them. Maybe because I love them. And they love him back, in spite of his mean eyes, and his truly monstrous overbite and the fact that his breath stinks worse than Bill Catterson’s diseased little prick. They see right through all of it, and love him all the same.

I hope that’s how they feel about me, too.

Adults rarely give kids credit for all that much. My parents certainly didn’t when I was growing up. They thought I’d buy into the paper-thin smiles, and the hushed voices, and the bristling niceties they put on for appearance’s sake, as though I was too young, too naive, too fucking ignorant to pick up on the hatred simmering under the surface in our household. As though I couldn’t possibly see through their bullshit veneer enough to know they couldn’t stand the sight of one another.

I’ve never wanted to patronise my own boys like that, so I don’t.

When Thomas and Matthew asked me why their mother didn’t love me anymore I told them the truth.

Because I’m an asshole.

Because I’m incapable of plastering a fake smile on my face for the sake of keeping the peace.

Because I can’t leave my work at the office.

Because I don’t love her and she knows it, she’s always known it.

And they’d listened, and shrugged and nodded, and Matthew – being a couple of years younger than his brother – had shed a a few quiet tears, and that was that. They’d settled in Hampshire, with Claire’s parents up the road, and every Sunday afternoon they’d be waiting for our allotted time together.

Despite the crappy weather I’m excited today. Rugby tickets, England vs Wales, the best seats in the house for the game next month.

I can’t wait to see their faces. They love rugby, Thomas especially. His games tutor tells me he’s good for ten years old. Broad and strong and resilient, fast too.

He doesn’t quit, that’s what I’m told, no matter how tough it gets, Thomas will always dive headfirst into the scrum and come up trumps.

He’s a winner. Just like me.

Matthew, well, he’s much more like his mother.

I pull onto the driveway, parking up right in front of the door to make an entrance, and the curtain in the main living room twitches just like always. Claire never comes outside to greet me.

I’ll occasionally catch a flash of tight blonde curls, or a hint of a scowl as she shoots me daggers from behind the window, but she never graces me with the courtesy of a sneer to my face.

Today, it appears, is different.

I see her as the door opens, easing aside for the boys as they come charging out. I register the difference in a heartbeat, the change in her willowy curves, the Empire line dress. The way she’s standing, one hand idly on her belly, rocking back on her heels as though she’s a few months further along than she really is.

I’d say three months tops.

I get out of the car just in time for the boys to slam right into me, warm arms squeezing me tight as Brutus barks his greeting at them from the passenger seat.

Dad! Dad! I came top in the History test, Dad! Terry took us bowling, Dad, and I won a trophy, Dad! We both did!

Their happy voices are one of my most favourite sounds on earth.

My other favourite sounds aren’t suitable for polite conversation.

Terry wraps an arm around my ex-wife’s shoulders, making a right old fucking show of it. It all seems a bit primitive to me – his male-ego need to paw at something in order to demonstrate ownership.

I don’t need to drape myself over a woman to show she belongs to me. It’s all in the eyes. In hers, in mine. If a woman truly belongs to you it’s written all over her. She smells of it. It’s in her smile. In the flutter of her lashes. In the way her body pulls towards yours, like a magnet. A charge.

Claire was like that with me once upon a time.

Now she’s gripped awkwardly under Terry’s arm while he shows off like a cockerel in a coop.

The boys stay attached to me as I head towards the woman who used to wear my ring on her finger. My hand is already extended, and Terry takes it, squeezes overly hard, and I wonder again just what he’s lacking down below to require such a macho shake.

Claire doesn’t take my hand.

“We need to talk,” she tells me. “Later.”

I don’t hide the glance at her belly. “News, I gather. I don’t need it spelling out.”

She shifts her weight onto her hip. “Not that, Alexander. About the boys. It’s important.”

I ruffle their hair and resist the urge to flip her the finger. Her prickly tone infuriates me, trying to stab little holes in the few measly hours I get with them every weekend.

“Fine,” I tell her. “Later.” I smile my fake professional smile. “Terry.”

He nods. “Alexander.”

I step away before they take up any more of my precious fucking time.

* * *

I take the boys for dinner at a tasteless burger joint just off the A3 they’ve insisted on frequenting every Sunday these past few months. The coffee is bitter and thoroughly disgusting, and the burgers taste too cheap to be edible, but the boys love it here.

Terry takes them, apparently.

Good for fucking Terry.

I wrap my godawful excuse for a meal in a napkin when they aren’t looking. Brutus will get considerably more enjoyment from it than I will.

I wait until the boys have wolfed down their fries and shakes before I pull the tickets from my jacket pocket.

I’ve been waiting all week for this, for the sweet wash of happiness I’ll feel when their eyes light up in recognition. I have the seats marked out on a map of the stadium on my phone, a 360 degree view of the ground so they’ll know exactly what we’re heading for.

I slap the tickets down in front of them with a flourish, and my heart is thumping.

Joy.

It feels quite alien these days.

“I’ve booked us the very best seats,” I tell them. “Right at the front. We’ll see everything, and after the game I’ve got us backstage passes. We’ll meet the players, get you some photos.” I’m smiling, and they’re staring, and I’m waiting for the moment, the moment when their faces light up.

But it doesn’t come.

Their smiles are weak and fucking awkward, and it stabs at me, right in the fucking gut.

“What?” I ask, and there’s a brutality to my tone that I didn’t intend. I take a breath.

It’s Thomas who spits it out. “It’s the twenty-second…”

“Yes. Four weeks today.”

“But we’re…” He looks down at the table. “We’re going to the football… with Terry… we were going to tell you today… Terry said to wait, until he definitely had tickets, said maybe you could come on Saturday instead, or–”

“Or what?”

He doesn’t want to say it, and I feel like an asshole for pushing when I know what’s coming.

“Or what, Thomas? What did Terry say?”

It’s Matthew that answers, his eyes so big and innocent. “He said maybe you could miss a week, for the football. He said maybe you wouldn’t mind.”

Cunt.

Terry is a fucking cunt.

“I didn’t realise you boys liked football. Rugby’s your game, no?”

Thomas doesn’t answer, but Matthew shakes his head. “We like football now, Dad. Thomas says football’s better. Cooler, isn’t it, Thomas?”

Thomas looks fucking mortified.

“Well?” I prompt. “Is football cool now? Cooler than rugby?”

Thomas shrugs. “They’re both good. But we support Portsmouth now, like Terry. It’s his team. He got us shirts.”

I feel the tick at my temples. The sour taste of rejection.

“I see,” I say, and pull the tickets back to my side of the table.

“Sorry, Dad,” Thomas says, and he is sorry. I wish he wasn’t. I wish he’d look me straight in the eye and admit he thinks rugby fucking stinks now and he’d much rather eat shitty burgers with Terry than me.

“Sorry, Dad,” Matthew says.

I choke down my disappointment. “Some other time, then. When the games don’t clash.”

They nod. Matthew slurps the remnants of his shake. Thomas folds his napkin into little triangles.

It’s really fucking awkward, all of it. This shitty place. This shitty weekend arrangement. This shitty situation with their cool new dad.

“Are you angry?” Thomas asks, and it makes me smile. Direct. I like that.

“Disappointed,” I tell him. “Not angry.”

I have no intention of forcing their priorities into an order I approve of, that’s not in my make-up.

The boys gather up their burger boxes and put their coats back on, and I guess we’re done here. Allotted time counting down to zero.

“Let’s go and give Brutus his burger,” I say.

* * *

Once the new football thing is out in the open, the boys can’t get enough of it. I hear all about it on the drive back – the Portsmouth team, their cruddy uniform, their goal-scoring history.

I try to care, but all I feel is the unholy rage in my stomach. The desire to tell Terry exactly what I think of his ill-considered loyalty test.

And I do tell him, just as soon as I’ve stepped over their twee little threshold and Claire’s sent the boys to their rooms.

“Classy move,” I comment, “booking up a football match on my day with the boys.”

He acts the innocent, all flustered as he tells me he didn’t know I had plans, thought one weekend wouldn’t matter.

“Every weekend matters,” I assure him.

“I’ll give you the money,” he blusters, “for the tickets.”

Like I want his fucking money.

He’s living in the house I pay for, driving the fucking car I pay for, standing on the fucking carpet my money paid to have fitted, and he has the fucking audacity to offer me a refund on the day he’s stolen from me.

Cunt!

Claire clears her throat and puts a hand on his arm. She’s nervous and it’s not about the fucking game.

“We need to talk,” she tells me. “Terry and I, we, um, have plans…”

“I can see that.” I raise an eyebrow. “I imagine the new addition was planned too.”

“The boys wanted a younger brother or sister. Tyler, too.”

Tyler. Terry’s drop-out teenage son has the perfect name for his flunky personality.

“I’m glad they’re getting what they want.”

“They want us to be a proper family,” Claire says, and it pangs. A proper family. One without me in it. “They’re close to Tyler now, and Thomas, well, he wants to be like his cool older stepbrother, wants to go to a regular school like he does, so we thought… next term… we thought we’d move the boys into Grange High. It’s close, and the results are good…”

I’m shaking my head before she’s even finished, my brows heavy and my jaw gritted.

“The answer’s fucking no. The boys stay in Oxton, end of discussion.”

Her cheeks flush pink, her veneer slipping away in a heartbeat. “It’s not end of discussion, Alexander. They live with me. It’s my call.”

“No,” I tell her. “It isn’t.”

She sighs. “They want to be normal kids, Alex. They want to hang out with regular people, not with the stuck-up little toffs at private school.”

“Fantastic. They can cast aside their future employability for the sake of fitting in with the regular kids. I’m sure they’ll be very happy to end up working in that shitty burger joint they insist on dragging me to.”

Her eyes are on fire. “Alexander.”

I haven’t missed that condescending fucking tone. As though she’s some permanently aggrieved little fishwife, and I’m the big bad cunt of an ex-husband.

Although maybe that bit’s true.

“They’re not going to state school,” I tell her, “and that’s the fucking end of it. If you wish to send your offspring through a second-rate education system, you be my guest, but my boys are not going to a shitty fucking state school.”

Terry shakes his head, and I shoot him a glare that tells him to keep his fucking mouth shut. “I’ve already booked them into Grange High,” she tells me. “They’ve been on an official induction visit. I’ve already cancelled their places at Oxton.”

“Then you’ll have to un-fucking-cancel them, won’t you?”

“No,” she says. “I won’t.”

I smile a horrible smile. “I could take you to court. Enforce my terms. I could move you into a grotty little terrace somewhere, see how you really enjoy slumming it with the regular folk.”

She laughs. “As if you would.”

“Don’t try me.”

“Don’t try me!” she hisses. “Your filthy fucking father can’t keep bailing you out forever, Alexander, one day one of those women are going to talk. Maybe they’ll talk to me, hey? Maybe I’ll be able to get them to testify how much of a dirty fucking pervert you are? Maybe I should give that asshole journalist a call and let him know I’ve got a story for him. I’ve still got screenshots you know, still got logs of your seedy fucking browsing history.”

“Which will mean fuck all in a custody battle,” I sneer.

“Not to your father it won’t. Not when he realises his company name is being dragged through the tabloids.”

I take a step forward, and Terry’s arm is around her shoulders again, his face white as a pissing sheet.

“Don’t push me, Claire.”

She knows I’m serious, my eyes digging into hers, my breath shallow and angry, right on the edge of composure.

She says nothing, just stares with a holier-than-thou expression on her face, and I’m done here, I’m done with their shit.

I’m through the front door and halfway back to the Merc by the time she speaks again, and her voice is a shrill little wail, an attempt at intimidation that falls pathetically short of the mark.

“They’re going to Grange High, Alexander! Whether you like it or not!”

My tyres churn up her pretty pink gravel on my way out.