Chapter Fifteen
Trent
I tucked my phone in my pocket and sighed. I had off on Friday night for once, which was a good thing. Or at least, it should be a good thing. Unfortunately, all I could think about was the fact that I was ready for some sort of… relationship or something. Someone that would take me out on a date when I had the odd Friday off. Someone that would hold me, kiss me… fuck me, among other things. I was tired of going home to an empty apartment every night since Evan was never there. And even on the off chance he was there, it wasn’t like I could snuggle down with him, because gross, he was my brother. What I really needed was a boyfriend. I was tired of going to bed alone. So, so tired of it. I hadn’t had a guy in over seven months, maybe more? Ughhh.
Why can’t I find a guy that wants to date me? A guy that’s as nice as Declan, as much fun to be around. I need to find someone to date because this non-dating friendship thing with Dec is the best dating experience I’ve ever had. And we’re not even dating!
I sighed out loud. Ugh. All I wanted to do was call Declan and see if he was free this weekend, but maybe I should try to find an actual date instead. I really need to get laid.
“Did you find a new guy or something?”
I turned to Alex in surprise. “Huh? What’re you talking about?”
He eyed me for a minute. “You’re acting weird… or weirder than usual.”
“I am not.”
“Yes, you are. Do you realize that you’ve switched the backdrop out five times, only to come back to the same one I originally had up? And it looks like you’re about to switch it again.”
I looked at my hands and realized I was holding the edge of another backdrop, so I hastily dropped it, then looked at the one that was hanging… the same one we typically started with for baby portraits. I sighed and muttered, “Sorry.”
Alex shrugged. “It’s fine. The client’s late, anyway.” He leaned back against the tall desk in the room. “Wanna talk about it?”
“Not really.”
He crossed his arms over his chest and frowned. “You know I can listen without repeating what I hear.”
I sighed again and plopped down in the middle of the floor. “I know. I just… ughhhh. I don’t even know what to say.”
“Is this about Declan?”
I snapped my wide-eyed gaze up to him. “What? What about Declan?” It was pathetic, but I still hadn’t talked to Levi about Dec and me being friends, even though we’d been hanging out for months. It wasn’t like I was ashamed of it or something; I was just worried that Levi would be upset. And I didn’t know if I could handle having him be mad at me because I sure as hell wasn’t going to stop hanging out with Declan for him or anyone. Declan had easily become my favorite person in the world… and he still had no idea that Levi didn’t know, which made me cringe every time I thought about it. I was being such an unfair dick to my friends.
Alex rolled his eyes. “Seriously, Trent, I’m not blind. I’ve seen you texting him a million times a day. Or that’s who I assume you’re texting, anyway.”
I cringed. “Does Levi know?”
“I don’t think so. But Jax and I definitely noticed.”
“Fuuuck,” I huffed. “Have you guys been spying on me?”
Alex smirked. “No, dude, we heard you talking to him the other day when we walked into the break room. You said his name into the phone. It’s the same Declan as Levi, isn’t it?” Shit. He must’ve taken my silence as an affirmation because he shrugged. “We just figured that was who you’ve been glued to your phone for.”
“Did Levi hear me?”
“No, he wasn’t with us.”
“Oh god, does Miranda know? She has the biggest mouth.”
“She wasn’t there, Trent. Why would it matter, anyway?”
I ran my hands over my face. “I just don’t want people making a thing out of it.”
“Wait, are you dating him?” Alex’s eyes went comically wide.
“No, no, no.” I waved him off. “Nothing like that. I just… I dunno, it’s weird.”
“If you’re not dating him, what’s so weird? Do you guys have some kind of secret friendship happening or somethin’?”
I snorted, then cringed internally because that was exactly what I’d been doing. I suck donkey balls. “No. It’s just, he’s Levi’s ex, ya know? And I don’t want him to be upset or feel weird about me hanging out with him, I dunno.”
Alex stared at me for a long moment before slowly saying, “I still don’t see the problem.”
I flopped onto my back and stared at the ceiling. “Uggghhh.”
“Talk to me, dweeb,” Alex said.
“You sure you want to hear about my guy problems?”
“Sure.”
I had never really discussed guy stuff with Mr. Straight As An Arrow Alex, but if he didn’t care, then maybe I could get this off my chest. I huffed. “Fine, but you asked for it.” I glanced at him, but didn’t get up. “I’ve been hanging out with Dec, like, every weekend almost, and we’ve been texting every day for… months.”
When I didn’t say anything else, Alex said, “I already know all that. Is that it?”
I looked at the ceiling. “Yes. No. I dunno. He’s a good guy. I didn’t used to think he was, but he’s really sweet and nice and thoughtful. And funny. He makes me laugh.”
“So you like him.”
I sighed. “No. I dunno. Maybe. He’s a good friend, so obviously I like him. And he’s sexy as hell. It’s just, I don’t know if I really like him or if I just like him because I know I can’t have him.”
“Why can’t you?”
I scrubbed my hands over my face. “For one thing, he’s my friend and boss’s ex and he broke his heart. And even if that wasn’t the case—which it is—he doesn’t do relationships or anything. He just does… sex. So now I’m just in this weird friendship thing with him, even though sometimes I think he might like me. Like-like me, but we’re both ignoring it, and I feel like an ass because we’re trying to be friends, but I can’t stop thinking about…” I trailed off.
After a long pause, Alex softly asked, “Why don’t you talk to him about it?”
I looked at him. “That’s the worst possible advice ever.”
He crossed his arms over his chest. “It’s typically what adults do in these situations because it works.”
“Not if it’ll scare him away. I like being friends with him. He’s a good friend and we’re having fun.”
Alex shrugged. “Are you okay with that?”
I sighed. “Yeah. I mean, I guess. I mean, yeah, I think so.”
Alex huffed out a long-suffering sigh.
“You’re the worst,” I told him.
He chuckled. “Me? Why?”
“Because you convinced me to talk, and I don’t feel any better. I think I actually feel worse.”
“You’re the one that won’t listen to me.”
“That’s because your ideas suck. Would you want your girlfriend talking to you about this stuff?”
Alex tilted his head, thinking. “Yeah, I would.”
“Ugggghhh,” I whined. “The worst.” I groaned and he laughed.
“What’s the matter with you?”
My head snapped over to the doorway where Andy stood. I quickly sat up and said, “Nothing.”
Andy eyed me. “Real believable, Trent.” He rolled his eyes, then crossed his arms over his chest. “What happened to you? Whose ass do I need to kick?”
“No one’s. I swear. I’m just cranky today.” I shot Alex a warning glare, and he held up his hands defensively and shrugged a shoulder. I looked back at Andy. “You guys are doing the Saturday wedding, right? Do I get to bring someone with me on Sunday?”
“Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. The Sunday wedding is a double shoot, so you can take whoever’s available with you.”
I nodded, then looked at Alex. “Wanna shoot a wedding with me?”
He pulled out his phone, probably to check his calendar, then looked up and nodded. “Sure, I can do Sunday.”
“Great!” I said a little too loudly as I jumped up off the floor.
Andy and Alex both eyed me, but neither said anything about my odd behavior. They began discussing the rest of the day’s schedule, so I walked to the break room and sat down. I was being such an ass. I really needed to get over it and tell Levi. And Andy for that matter, considering he was going all overprotective on me, which was actually really sweet. I appreciated it more than I’d ever admit out loud. I just really needed to come clean. Did I seriously plan on hiding my friendship with Declan for the rest of our lives? Not to mention the birthday party I was going to with Declan at Levi’s freaking mother’s house for Levi’s nephew Sammy.
I sighed out loud and banged my head on the table.
I am such a fucking idiot.
***
“Is Evan still disappearing all the time?” Declan asked me Friday night as we sat on his couch—because yes, I’d called and asked him to hang out instead of going out and looking for a date. Because I’m an idiot. I need to find a dateable guy so freaking badly. I looked over at Dec and realized that hanging out with him was better than any date I could’ve gone on. Because it’s Declan, and Declan is amazing and sexy as hell. Fuck, stop thinking about that! You have things you need to tell him. Focus on what you need to say, man, come on!
After I realized what he’d asked, I answered, “Yeah, he’s never home, but he doesn’t work. I think he literally just sleeps in my apartment and steals my food because he’s never there. I have no idea where he goes all the time.” I fidgeted on the couch, but I couldn’t seem to stop wiggling around.
“That’s so weird. I’ve only seen him a couple times since he moved in with you. He hasn’t even come over here for dinner like he was supposed to.”
“Yeah, I dunno.” Just say it!
“Why are you all antsy?” he asked, clearly noticing me wiggling around beside him. I was probably making him crazy.
You have things you need to talk about. Focus, man, come on! After my millionth mental pep talk, I sighed and blurted, “I have a confession.”
He lifted a brow and waved me on.
I blew out a breath. “You have to promise not to hate me.”
His eyebrows scrunched up. “What did you do?”
I wiped my sweaty palms on my pants. “It’s more about what I didn’t do. Yet. Didn’t do yet. I can’t tell you until you promise.”
“Okay. I promise I won’t hate you. I doubt you could do anything bad enough to make me hate you, anyway.”
“I don’t know about that,” I said under my breath. “Promise not to be mad.”
He crossed his arms over his chest. “Trent, you’re starting to worry me. What’s going on?”
I wiped my sweaty palms on my pants again. “Okay, so you know how I work for Levi?”
He made a face that said get to the point, you idiot.
“Right. Obviously, you know that. That’s how we met a few years ago.” I blew out a breath, then said as quickly as possible, “I haven’t told him that we’ve been hanging out.”
He stared at me for a long moment, then squinted his eyes at me. He ran a hand through his hair and faced forward on the couch so he wasn’t looking at me.
I chewed on my cheek while I waited for him to say something, but after several minutes of silence, I said, “Please say something.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say.” His voice was monotone and held none of the light openness it usually did when he spoke to me.
My heart sank. He hated me. I ruined everything. I’m an idiot that ruins everything. I whispered, “Don’t hate me.”
He suddenly turned and asked, “Are you ashamed of being my friend or something?”
“No! I swear that’s not it.” Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. “I just… I’m scared that he’ll be mad at me because you’re his ex.”
“He told us before that he didn’t care.”
“I know, I just—” I cut myself off when he got up and started walking away. “Where are you going?”
“I’m grabbing a beer.” He walked into the kitchen. “Want one?”
I closed my eyes and breathed a sigh of relief that he was, at the very least, still being his sweet self. “Sure.”
He came back a minute later, passed me an open beer and plopped onto the couch right beside me. I watched his Adam’s apple bob as he gulped half his beer in one go before he said without looking at me, “You know he already knows, right?”
I blinked at him. “What do you mean?”
“Levi already knows.”
“How-how do you know that?”
He turned to face me, resting his elbow on the back of the couch with his knee banging into my thigh. “Because unlike you, I talk to my coworkers, one of which happens to be Levi’s brother.” He casually took a sip of his beer. “Plus, I saw Levi over Reese’s a while ago and he asked if we—me and you—were coming to his mom’s Memorial Day party.”
I continued blinking at him. “We didn’t go to that party. We stayed here and watched movies instead.”
“I’m aware.”
“He’s known this whole time.”
It wasn’t a question, but he still said, “Yep.”
I stared at him for a long moment. “That little prick.” Levi was totally messing with me. That asshat.
Declan shrugged. “I didn’t know you were trying to be sneaky or whatever or I wouldn’t have said anything to him.”
“No, Dec, that’s not… I’d never ask you to do that.”
“You’d only pretend we’re not friends around other people? What are we, middle schoolers?”
I cringed. “I know. I’m an idiot.”
“You are.”
“I’m sorry.”
He took a deep breath. “Okay.”
I stared at him as he sipped his beer, then I said, “That’s it?”
Dec sighed. “You apologized.”
“Yeah, but… I’m an asshole.”
“You said it.”
I fell back on the couch and took a swig of my beer. “I’m really sorry. I love hanging out with you, obviously. I want to hang out with you all the time. You’re, like, my best friend. All joking aside, you really are. I was a scared, pathetic jerk, and I’m so incredibly sorry.”
“Hey, I told you you’re forgiven. I know you didn’t want to hurt your friend. I get it. You and Levi have been friends for a long time.”
Without picking my head up off the couch, I looked over at him. “Yeah, but I shouldn’t have hurt you in the process.”
He shoulder-bumped me. “It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not, but thanks for being so nice to me.” I stared at him for a minute before setting my beer on the table and sitting back, then tucking my arm under his and leaning into him so I could rest my chin on his shoulder. “Would you tell me if you were upset?”
He looked at me a little, then moved around to get more comfortable without knocking me off him. “Yeah.”
I rested my cheek on his arm and tucked my legs up on the couch so I could lean on him further. I didn’t usually hang all over him, but I needed to be close to him to reassure myself that he didn’t hate me. Surprisingly, he didn’t pull away.
After a while, he said, “Don’t lie to me or anything again.”
I whispered, “I won’t. I promise.” I squeezed his arm and scooted closer so my legs were resting over his thigh. He was taking this so much better than I’d thought he would. If the roles were reversed, I didn’t know if I could be this accepting of it.
He nodded and sipped his beer, settling into the couch.
The front door of his apartment opened up and Kade walked in. He headed straight toward his room, but not until after he lifted a brow at us, said “Hey” and grabbed a couple slices of pizza off the coffee table. We started some romantic comedy movie, and I leaned against Dec through the entire thing. It was nice having his warm body heat beside me, and he didn’t seem to mind. After a while, he even leaned into me a little, and without realizing what I was doing, I ran my fingertips up and down the skin of his lower arm. When I noticed what I was doing, I looked at Dec to gauge his reaction, and he rested his hand on my thigh. It almost felt natural to lean on him.
I was so comfortable there, and it was so damn nice that I never wanted to move away. My nerves from earlier dissipated the longer I sat there with him. I’d been so worried that he’d hate me and be pissed and want to end our friendship. But he’d been so damn understanding. I didn’t deserve his friendship, but now that I had it, I would fight like hell to keep it if I had to.
When the movie was over, I accidentally asked, “Why don’t you ever date people?”
He sighed and for a brief moment I thought he was going to pull away from me, but he remained still, only fidgeting with a string on my jeans near my knee. He took so long to respond, I didn’t think he was going to answer, but to my surprise, he quietly said, “No one ever sticks around, so what’s the point? I’d rather just have fun with someone for a night and move on before it becomes painful.”
I frowned at that and finally sat up so I could turn my body and look at him. I kept my knees leaning on his thigh. “That’s a really sad way of looking at life.”
He glanced at me. “It’s the truth, though. No one has ever stuck around, why would that suddenly change?”
“What do you mean, no one?”
He looked away for a few seconds, as if deciding whether or not to share, then he returned his gaze to me. “My parents, my older brothers, my friends, my grandparents, and other relatives… you know, all the people that are supposed to love you no matter what? They all threw me out like yesterday’s trash. No one even cared that I was homeless for a few weeks when it happened.”
His facial expression was so devastated, I almost couldn’t take it. I looked at his fidgeting fingers and saw his hand shaking. I hated that he was upset, and I hesitated for a few seconds. If I comfort him, will he stop talking and pull away? But then he ran a trembling hand through his hair and my heart squeezed, it ached from seeing him in pain, seeing that whatever happened still affected him so strongly. I knew I couldn’t just sit there doing nothing, so I reached out and grabbed his hand. He looked at me in surprise, but didn’t pull away, so I held his hand in between both of mine and ran my thumb over his knuckles. I couldn’t take away the pain he was feeling in that moment, but at least I could make sure he knew I was here for him.
His grip tightened around my hand, and he looked back toward the paused TV. He took a deep breath before continuing, “Not one single person in my family tried to help me, and it wasn’t for a lack of trying on my part. I went to my grandparents, and they wouldn’t even let me inside their house. The same thing happened at my aunt’s and uncle’s houses. No one would take me in. Not until I finally broke down one day in front of Reese. He and his mother let me stay with them. Luckily, it was only a couple months before graduation. I got a job over the summer, then lived on campus in college. I worked and had scholarships, luckily… I don’t know what I would’ve done if I didn’t.”
He waved it away as if he’d gotten off track. He squeezed my hand tight. “And all of it, all of the derogatory things my family said and the fact that they didn’t care if I had a place to live or food to eat… all of it was just because of who I am. Just because I finally had the courage to come out and be myself. That’s what completely being myself got me: a big slap in the face from the people that I thought would love me no matter what.” He laughed bitterly and lifted his shirt revealing a huge jagged scar on the side of stomach that was probably a good ten inches long. “Oh, and a permanent reminder that my father hates me so much, he used a broken beer bottle against me.” He dropped his shirt and I swallowed hard, trying to hold back the tears that pricked my eyes. How could someone do that to another person? Let alone to their own child?
He looked away and ran a hand through his hair. “If not a single one of them cared enough to make sure I didn’t freeze or starve to death, how can I ever expect someone else to care about me like that?”
Hearing that made me want to cry. That had to be the saddest way of looking at things ever. Had Declan really been thinking and feeling this way since he was a teenager? Feeling like no one cared and everyone left him?
I swallowed down my emotions and quietly asked, “What about Kade… and Reese? You still have them.”
He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Kade… needs my help right now, so I’m sure he’ll leave once he doesn’t need me, just like…” He dropped his voice to a whisper. “Well, Reese has his own family now.”
“Declan…” I bit my lip for a few seconds. “Reese still cares about you. And I’m sure your brother will always love you, whether you’re helping him or not.”
He looked away, shrugged and muttered, “Check back in a few years.”
“Declan…” He looked over at me with a vulnerability I’d never seen in him before. I lifted my hand and gently touched my fingertips to his cheek. “People care about you, Declan. People that will always care.”
“I’m not meant to have a relationship, Trent. It’s just not in the cards for me.”
All of my secret hopes were dashed in just a few minutes. And the worst part was that he looked fucking devastated. “Dec, you don’t know that.” I couldn’t bring myself to remove my fingers from his cheek.
“I can’t do it, Trent. I can’t… I can’t hope for something when I know it’ll only hurt later on.” His voice was barely above a whisper.
“So you’re just planning on being alone for the rest of your life? You don’t want to even try? With someone, anyone?”
He looked at me with an expression that was almost pleading. “I can’t do it… I’m not that person. I’m not the one that settles down or dates… I just… can’t.”
I felt tears prick my eyes because I suddenly felt like I was losing something. Which wasn’t fair because I’d gone into this friendship thing knowing that was all it’d ever be. But the way he treated me, the way he’d been opening up, I thought… I thought maybe…
His eyes looked so pained before he closed them and swallowed heavily. I started to pull my fingers away, but he put his hand over mine so my hand was flat against his cheek. The pain on his face brought tears to my eyes. Everyone always made it seem like he was an asshole, like he used people and pushed them away. No one ever told me that he was just lonely and in need of a little comfort, in need of a soothing touch. No one ever told me that he just needed someone to be understanding and gentle. No one ever told me he just needed someone to fucking care about him.
I didn’t really know what I was doing. I didn’t know how to make that feeling of inadequacy he had go away. But I had to comfort him somehow. So I let go of his hand and grabbed his shoulder, pulling him to me. He squeezed his eyes tighter, but let me pull him into my chest and wrap my arms around him. He tucked his head on my shoulder, then wrapped his arms around my waist.
He took a few deep breaths and I rubbed his back, but then a door down the hall opened and Dec pulled away and straightened himself on the couch with a stoic expression on his face. The sudden distance he put between us, both physically and emotionally, hurt. I felt like I was starting to get to know the real Declan underneath all those layers of cocky armor, but that he’d erected his shield as soon as someone else came close.
“Declan,” I whispered.
He turned to me and gave me a little, sad half-smile.
I didn’t want to lose that connection with him, so I grabbed his hand and laced our fingers together. He looked surprised and confused for a moment before he leaned his head onto the back of the couch and closed his eyes, squeezing my hand and pulling me close.
Kade walked through the living room without a word as I scooted closer to my friend. Friend. He’s my friend, nothing else. I just want to… cuddle with him… with my friend. That was completely normal. I sighed internally at myself, and I lifted his arm around my shoulders and rested my head on his chest. He rubbed my arm, as if telling me he was good with sitting this way. With cuddling with his best friend.
After a minute, I whispered, “Do you want to watch another movie?”
He let out a long-suffering sigh while pulling me closer, then breathed out, “Yeah.”
I grabbed the remote off the coffee table and settled back against him with my head on his shoulder. When the movie started, he removed his hand off my upper arm and started running his fingers through my hair. I glanced at Dec in surprise, but his gaze was focused on the TV. I didn’t think he was even aware of what he was doing. But every cell in my body was focused on the soft, rhythmic motion that simultaneously put me at ease while making my dick hyper-aware of the man I was leaning on.
I blew out a breath and closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling. The feeling of my friend’s body against mine, and his fingers in my hair. My fucking friend. No matter how attracted I was to him, that was all he’d ever be because he didn’t want anything more.
If being his friend was all he could offer, I guess I’d take it. Because I wanted him in my life. Period.
I started to drift off and I thought that I maybe felt him place a kiss against my hair, but it was probably my imagination. Or just another friends kiss.