Hope
"I know what he did. I saw him cart a body out of your parents' house last night, and I am not going to allow that to happen to you!"
The hands I had covering my face fell away as Jordan's words registered in my mind.
He knew.
He knew and he was going to rat.
"No!" The word tore from my throat with more force than I thought I was capable of. Clambering to my feet, I closed the space between Jordan and I and threw myself at his mercy. "You can't do that."
When I moved to grab his arm, he roughly shoved me off, but I didn’t stop.
"Please, Jordan," I begged, bunching his sweater in my hands. "Please. You don’t understand! You have no idea what happened –"
"Maybe not," he shot back, disgust laced in his tone. "But I know one thing; murder is a crime!" He ripped my hands away from his sweater then took a step back. "And I am done watching fucking predators walk away from their crimes without being punished."
"What?" I gaped in horror. "Hunter is not a predator."
"He's a thug and a killer, and he's going to pay for what he's done," he replied hoarsely, running a hand through his hair. "And you can go right ahead and hate me for the rest of your life for it, but at least I'll know that I did the right thing by you for once."
"He was protecting me!" I screamed. "See this?" With trembling hands, I pointed to my face. "I was attacked, Jordan…I was almost –"
"Don’t lie for him!" he roared into my face, his bleary, green eyes unblinking and locked on mine. "It won't change my mind."
"I'm not lying!"
"All you've been doing is lying to me," he countered. "Why would now be any different?"
"I'm not fucking lying!" I snarled. "David's back. He sent a man after me who tried to… if Hunter hadn't stopped him then I wouldn’t be here!"
"If that's true then why didn’t you go to the cops?" he demanded. "If it was self-defense."
"Because I…" my voice trailed off and I flinched before admitting, "I was afraid of losing him."
"Well, looks like you're going to lose him either way."
"Why are you doing this to me?" The question was ripped from the deepest part of my heart. How could he do this to me? Did he hate me this much? "Why, dammit?"
"Because I love you enough to protect you from him!"
"Hunter would never hurt me."
"Never hurt you? He's destroying you, Hope!" He shook his head in disgust. "You know what you are to a man like him, don’t you?" he spat. "His whore."
"I don’t even know who you are anymore," I whispered, paling.
"That makes two of us." He reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out his cell and swiped his thumb across the screen. "You'll thank me for this one day."
"If you love me," I strangled out, panic consuming me. "If you have ever loved me, you won't do this."
"It's because I love you that I'm doing this," he hissed.
And then he pressed the phone to his ear.
"Jordan, please," I cried, dropping to my knees. "I will do anything – anything, dammit…" Reaching up, I snatched the phone out of his hands and pressed end before quickly tossing it away. "Just don’t do this…please!"
The fear of the unknown, the fear of Hunter's future, of him being taken away from me, it was crushing me. Ruining me.
The lies we were drowning under were a shared burden.
The blood on his hands was on my hands, too.
I couldn’t let this happen.
I would not watch him be taken away in handcuffs and serve time for this.
I refused to.
I would protect him at any cost.
"Anything," I repeated, staring up at the man I had spent most of my life loving. "Whatever you want." That love had dwindled over time, but I never stopped. "Jordan, I am begging you." It just wasn’t the same love anymore. It wasn’t romantic love. "Please," I breathed. "Please."
His green eyes burned holes straight through me as he said, "Leave him," in the coldest tone of voice I'd ever heard him use.
The ground fell out from beneath me.
Stunned, I could do nothing but press my fingers to my temples and try to make sense of this. But I couldn’t. "What?" I croaked out hoarsely.
"You said you'd do anything to keep him out of prison," he shot back flatly with a tight shrug. "I want you to cut all ties with him."
"Jordan –"
"I mean it, Hope," he snarled. "He's bad for you. Jesus Christ, messing around with a man like him could get you killed!"
"He would never let that…I can't just…" Shaking my head, I sagged back on my knees and whimpered, "I love him."
"And I love you," Jordan deadpanned. "Which is why I'm giving you this – giving him an out."
I watched Jordan walk over to the bed we shared and sink down on the edge.
Meanwhile I remained exactly where I was; on my knees on the floor.
Breathing hard and fast, I placed my hands down in front of me and forced myself to inhale deep, slow breaths.
For twenty-seven years I had given this man my unconditional love and support. I knew I screwed up. Falling in love with another man was the worst possible thing I could have done to him, but this? What he was doing to me now? The position he was putting me in? It was so much worse. Years of lies, secrets and abandonment; I had forgiven them all. Brushed his mistakes under the rug and plowed on because I knew he was a good person. Because I loved him. But right now, the only emotion I felt for Jordan Porter was hatred. He was dangling Hunter's future over my head like a carrot and forcing me into a 'damned if I do and damned if I don’t' situation.
If I said no, Jordan would call the police.
If I told Hunter about Jordan's ultimatum, he would eliminate the threat. He would kill him. And as much as I hated Jordan in this moment, I still loved him. He was the boy I'd grown up loving. I couldn’t allow anything to happen to him either.
I had no choice here.
"And what happens then?" I croaked out. "What happens if I send him away?"
"Then we'll figure it out." I watched him clench his jaw, back stiff, expression set in a hard line. "We'll try and find a way to move forward from it."
"Move forward?" I shook my head, refuting his words. "Jordan, I'm in love with another man… there's no moving forward for us –"
"Try," he snapped, interrupting me, tone hoarse. "You loved me once and we were happy." He reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose before releasing a weary sigh. "We can find that place again, Hope."
"Happy?" Tears poured down my face as I gaped at him. "Jordan, I haven't been happy with you since high school."
"Don’t say that," he choked out.
"It's the truth," I whispered, pleading with the man who housed the boy I knew would never do this to me. "Let me go."
"I can't," he whispered numbly. "If you leave, I have nothing."
"Jordan, staying here isn’t doing either of us any good… God, you can't even stand to look at me."
"I'm mad at you. I hate what you've done to us, to me. I'm in pain. I'm fucking furious with you, but that doesn’t mean I've stopped loving you." He was trembling all over as he said, "Have you? Have you honestly stopped loving me?"
"Of course I still love you." Tears poured down my face, my admission the hardest one I'd ever told. "Just not in the way a wife is supposed to love her husband." I shook my head and choked out a sob. "Hurting you was the last thing I ever wanted to do. But If I stay," I strangled out, "if you force me to stay, then I'll end up hating you."
"Then you can hate me for the rest of your long, safe life," he shot back wearily. "At least I'll know I did everything I could to protect you from a short life with him."
"Jordan, I know you're hurting," I cried as a raw, guttural sob tore through me. "I know I've done that to you, but please, think about this. Please. I am begging you not to make me do this –"
"Walk out that door and send him away," Jordan ordered, standing up. "Make it real and make damn sure he believes you, because if I ever catch you near him again… if I ever see you with that murdering bastard again, I swear to god, I'll lay it all out there, Hope. I'll have him locked back up in a cage so fast you'll –"
"Okay!" I screamed, covering my ears with my hands. "You win."
"I win?" he repeated, tone laced with pain. "I never win, Hope. Never."
With that, he turned around and walked out of the room.
The moment the bedroom door closed behind him, I crumbled to a heap on the floor.
Fighting my feelings had become the norm for me.
Lying about everything in my life was perfectly acceptable now.
I was disgusting.
I knew it.
What I knew I had to do?
It was so cruel.
So fucking nasty.
But watching Hunter being taken away from me was the one thing I couldn’t do.
He was going to end up hating me.
They all would in the end.
And I had no one but myself to blame.
For all of it.