Hope
I wanted to tell him the truth.
I wanted to throw myself into his arms and have him fix this whole mess.
I thought that telling Jordan I was leaving him would be the hardest conversation I would ever have.
I was wrong.
This was so much worse.
Because it was a lie.
I came to Hunter willingly. Because I loved him. Because I wanted to be with him. And now, I was leaving him with my hand twisted behind my back.
But if said anything now, it would end in blood shed.
I wasn’t naïve enough to believe that Hunter's first instinct wouldn’t be to take Jordan out of the equation.
Like Jordan was doing right now…
Pretense and lies. That was what my life consisted of now, and not by choice.
Doing it this way would protect him, I knew that, but it didn’t make me feel like any less of a traitor – or a whore.
Because if he knew – if Hunter found out what a threat Jordan was to our freedom – I was terrified of what he might do. No, scratch that. What he would do. He would kill him. And I couldn’t live with that. I couldn’t bear it. I hated Jordan for what he was doing to me but I didn’t hate the boy inside the man.
And I never would.
"I need you to have patience," I begged. "Please, Hunter. Just give me a little time."
"I've been patient," he shot back angrily. "And it's always the same old shit. I can't help but feel like this is prolonged pain for me. Like you're delaying the inevitable and the one you're waiting to say goodbye to is me."
"This doesn’t change anything for me," I whispered, desperate for him to know at least half the truth. "Just…just give me some time to figure this out." My mind was reeling. Words of prolonged promise dripped from my tongue. "I meant what I said last night." I was trying to claw myself out of the mess I'd made, but it was fucking impossible.
Disgust and self-loathing were loaded inside of me like overflowing drums balancing on a tight rope. I felt poisoned from the inside out; my only consolation was the knowledge of his temporary safety.
"Come with me," Hunter growled, tone passionate, blue eyes searing me. "Just get in my truck and we can go. It's as easy as that."
Except it wasn’t.
"I can't," I choked out, silently begging him to understand.
"I love you, Hope," Hunter growled. "And I get that hearing those words coming out of the mouth of a man like me isn’t worth shit."
"Hunter, please, just –"
"But to me, you and that word mean the same damn thing," he continued to say, ignoring my plea. "And time? Time doesn’t mean shit, sweetheart. You don’t have to love someone the longest to love them the most. You just have to fucking love that someone and be fearless enough to show it. That's what I've been doing – been trying to do."
"God, Hunter…"
"I know what I am, Hope," he added gruffly. "What a huge leap of faith you'd be taking on me. But I won't let you down."
"I'm not leaving him," I bit out, locked in a stare down with the only man I wanted to be with. "I have to stay."
I could only imagine what Hunter thought of me in this moment.
A liar?
A coward?
A bitch?
I was all of the above, and I would be those willingly if it kept him out of prison.
I watched Hunter's eyes harden as he clenched then unclenched his jaw.
"I can't walk away from him yet," I forced myself to say. "He's in pain…and I'm the one who put him there –"
"You think I give a shit about his pain?" Hunter demanded, furious. "Well, I don’t, Hope. I don’t care. About him. His feelings. His recovery. I don’t give a fuck about any of it." Exhaling a pained growl, he ran his hand through his hair and snarled, "You're the only thing! The only goddamn person I care about. The rest? It's collateral fucking damage."
See, this was exactly why I couldn’t tell him.
That streak of violence laying just beneath his surface was lethal.
If Hunter knew the truth, he wouldn’t hesitate in taking out the threat.
I'd seen exactly what he was capable of when he was defending my honor.
A shivered rolled through me at the memory.
"If you could just give me some time," I pleaded. "He's hurting so badly right now, Hunter, and I know you say you don’t care, but I do. I can't leave him –"
"No," he growled, rubbing his jaw. "I'm not doing that. I'm standing around listening to you feel sorry for the lost boy. I'm fighting my own damn demons, HC, and they're snapping at my heels most days, but you don’t hear me pissing and moaning." He tossed his cigarette on the ground and stubbed it out with his boot. "I've got my own shit to handle."
I never wanted to be responsible for making a man look at me the way Hunter was looking at me right now. The pain and betrayal in his eyes all but broke me.
"I'm so sorry," I whispered. I could see the devastation on his face. It ruined me. Disgust and self-loathing filled every inch of my body.
"Last chance," he bit out, eyes locked on mine. "Come with me."
Inside I was screaming, begging him not to leave me, to give me some more time. I needed time. I wasn’t going back on my word. I wanted to be with him. Only him.
I felt my heart shatter into a million unrepairable pieces as I said, "I'm not leaving him."
"Then I'm out." With that, Hunter Casarazzi turned around and walked away from me.
My eyes followed his every move as he climbed into his truck and cranked the engine.
The sound of his car roaring to life filled the silence and I flinched.
The sound of tires screeching filled my ears.
And then he was gone, tearing off down the street, never looking back.
I watched him leave.
I watched him leave my life.
Why was I watching my life leave me?
This was wrong.
This was all wrong.
He was leaving.
And I was staying.
Why was I staying?
Because you love him!
Numb to the bone, I watched him leave me.
Only when his truck was out of sight did I turn around and walk back inside.
I wasn’t surprised to find Jordan standing in the hallway, waiting for me.
I'd known he would be watching.
"He's gone," I stated numbly. "Happy now?"
"You did the right thing, Hope," he replied.
I wiped my tear stained cheeks with the back of my hands before giving him my full attention.
"I want you to know some things," I said, looking into his green eyes. "I want you to know that I will never forgive you for this." I heard him suck in a ragged breath, but I didn’t care, and I didn’t stop. "I want you to know that regardless of how much time passes, or how badly you want it to happen, I will never be yours." Sniffling, I fought to reign in my raging emotions before delivering my final truth. "And most of all, I want you to know that even though I've lost count of all the ways you've hurt and lied to me, betrayed, abandoned, and broken my heart, I have never hated you. Until today."