I received word via Caden’s attorney that my brother wanted to see me. It took me a long time to make the decision. I knew that after several days in jail, he would be sober. I was stronger now, more sure of myself, and unwilling to risk my future to enable my brother to continue in his destructive lifestyle. This wasn’t the first time he’d asked to see me. Following his arrest, he’d made several attempts to reach me. For my own emotional well-being, I’d refused. I felt ready now.
Monday afternoon, as soon as I’d finished my shift at the café, I headed over to the county jail and put in my request to see Caden. It took fifteen minutes before I was approved. When the clerk returned, she apologized for the delay. I suspected the waiting time was because of my own felony conviction. I was smart enough not to ask.
After another wait of ten minutes or longer, Caden was led out in an orange jumpsuit, wearing slip-on shoes with white socks. He didn’t look at me but kept his eyes lowered. Seeing that he’d been the one who asked to see me, I remained silent, patiently waiting. The last time I’d talked to my brother had been the night he’d shown up at the church apartment. He’d been high on drugs and/or alcohol and abusive, wielding a knife, which he might easily have used on me. With that in mind, I was content to wait him out.
An uncomfortable amount of time went by before Caden looked up. He offered me a sad, broken smile. “Guess you’re mad,” he said.
I shrugged in reply. I certainly had every right to be angry. If not for the counseling I’d received at Hope Center, I would be ranting at him now, filled with righteous indignation, spewing my anger at him. Over the last sixteen months I’d learned how to accept my own responsibility in what had happened, when I’d stolen money from the bank. And with help I’d found a way to forgive him, not because he’d asked or because he deserved my forgiveness. I’d done it for my own peace of mind, to unburden the heavy load of resentment, refusing to cart it around any longer. That didn’t mean I was willing to be drawn back into his craziness, however.
“Why’d you come?” he asked next.
“You asked and you’re my brother.”
“Not much of one, though.”
I didn’t disagree. “I’ve been praying for you, Caden.”
“Praying?” he repeated. “You pray now?” He made it sound like I’d taken up sword-swallowing.
“I do.”
His eyes widened, as if he found this hard to believe. “Next thing I know you’ll become one of those women preachers you see on TV, carting around a Bible.”
“I have a Bible,” I admitted freely, “and, even better, I read it.”
Caden’s mouth sagged open. “What happened?” he cried, as if I’d announced I’d been captured by aliens and been zoomed up to their spaceship.
“I have a new life now.”
“What happened…I mean after you got out of prison? You said you’re a different person, and I can see that you are.”
Condensing the story as much as possible, I relayed how I’d been released from prison with only a few hundred dollars to my name and had walked into the church, where Drew had found me. I went on to explain how Drew had helped me to get into the program at Hope Center. Caden listened intently as I explained what had happened in the time since I’d graduated out of the program.
My brother held my look for several awkward moments while I told him about my current job at The Corner Café, my bookkeeping classes, and my hope of being hired to work at Hope Center in a few months. He didn’t ask questions or speak until I was finished.
“Sounds like you have a great new life now.”
“I have a promising future that’s filled with opportunities I never had before.”
A look of sadness settled over him. “I’m a big loser, Shay…I’m—”
“You’re not a loser,” I said, cutting him off. “You can have a decent future, too.”
“A future in prison, you mean. I stabbed a cop, Shay. They don’t write that off with a slap on the wrist. It doesn’t matter that I was high. I’m looking at some serious time.”
I couldn’t deny his reality. “You’re probably right.” I didn’t want to raise his hopes, but I knew both Kevin and Drew were working behind the scenes, talking to the prosecutor and Caden’s court-appointed attorney, offering alternative solutions to a lengthy prison sentence. No matter what connections my friends had, the bottom line was that my brother was looking at time in prison.
“It’s what I deserve,” Caden whispered, his head lowered. “Especially after what I did to you.”
I wasn’t about to excuse his behavior or write it off, either. “I agree it was low. You threw me under the bus, little brother.”
He chanced a look at me. “Would it help if I told you I regret it? But Shay, I didn’t have any choice. If you didn’t give me the money, they were going to kill me.”
I didn’t want to talk about the past. He wasn’t ready to accept responsibility for his actions and I wasn’t going to rub his face in his mistakes. I’d paid the price for being stupid and allowed him to sabotage my future. But one thing I’d learned through all this was that even the most negative events in my life—prison, nearly landing on the streets of Seattle, homeless and lost—I had turned them all into something good.
If none of that had taken place, I might never have met Drew, might never have received the counseling and emotional healing I needed to become the person I am now.
“I don’t hold any resentment toward you, Caden. I have a new life now. I’ve met a good man. I’m happier than I can ever remember being since Mom died.”
“You in love with one of those preacher guys?”
“I am. How did you know?”
For the first time since we’d started talking, my brother smiled. “Don’t think he could hide it. Protects you like a wolverine. The other guy had to hold him back when I mentioned you were lucky I didn’t take the knife to you.” He glanced up, guilt written on his face. “I…I do crazy stuff when I’m high. I don’t mean for it to happen, but it does.”
He didn’t need to explain, I’d seen the evidence.
He snickered softly and shook his head. “You and a preacher? Really? I find that hard to believe.”
“Believe it, Caden.”
“You going to marry him?”
“It’s too soon to say.” I hoped that was where the future would lead, but I feared we were about to enter a rocky road in our relationship. Time would tell.
My brother released a long, slow sigh. “I’m happy for you, Shay.”
I smiled, warmed by his words. “Thank you.”
For the first time since he’d walked into the room, Caden showed evidence of a grin. “You look good.”
“Thanks.” I felt good, too, better than I had in years. I was in control of my own life and when I looked at the future, I could do it with a smile and not cringe with pessimism at what I feared awaited me.
“I mean you look really good.”
My brother wasn’t one to freely hand out compliments. “If that’s the case, then you should know this is the way someone looks when they don’t shoot drugs or drown their sorrows in the bottom of a bottle.”
“Is that a dig?” he asked.
“Not intentionally. It’s a statement of fact.”
My brother let those words soak in for several minutes. “I’m clean now.”
“Stay that way,” I advised. “No high is as high as being clean and sober, brother.”
He nodded. “It isn’t easy.”
I knew that, too. “Nothing of value ever is, but I’m here to tell you that you can break completely free with help from your Higher Power.”
Caden’s forehead folded into a thick frown. “Are you attending one of those twelve-step groups now, too?”
“No.” Drugs had never taken control of my life, and for that I was eternally grateful. Shooter had been disappointed when I wouldn’t use with him. It’d been a constant source of conflict between us. Occasionally, I’d give in to his demands, but drugs had never given me the same high they did others. In retrospect, I believed this had been God’s protection in my life.
“Guess three years in prison did that for you.”
It would be too hard to explain and so I didn’t try. “I got word about Shooter,” I said.
Caden’s head shot up. “The police found him?”
I nodded. “They caught him in Oregon. He’s being transported back to Washington state.”
My brother paled. “He’s the reason I needed to see you. Shooter will kill me if he gets a chance.”
“Which is why you decided to change your name to Shane?”
Caden nodded. “Always liked that name better anyway. Don’t know what Mom and Dad were thinking naming me Caden.”
“It’s a good name.”
“So is Shane.”
I wasn’t going to argue with him. Caden, Shane, or whatever else he chose to call himself was fine by me.
“I don’t feel I have the right to ask you for anything,” Caden said.
He didn’t, but I would do what I could to help him. “I’m listening.”
My brother exhaled, as though he found it difficult to speak. “It’s not asking you for money, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“Good, because I’m not giving you any.”
“Would you talk to my attorney for me?” he asked.
It seemed my brother thought I had some influence with the prosecutor. I didn’t. “About…?”
“All I want is to be sent to a different prison than where Shooter is. If they can’t do that, then it will be a death sentence for me.”
Seeing that I’d already had one nearly disastrous run-in with the drug dealer, I could understand Caden’s fears.
“I’ll ask,” I assured him, “but don’t expect miracles.”
“I’d appreciate whatever you can do.”
“No promises.”
“I understand.”
I nodded. Now that we’d arrived at the reason he’d asked to see me, I was ready to go. It surprised me when Caden continued the conversation. It was almost as if he was looking for an excuse to keep me close.
“What’s the name of that preacher…the one you like.”
“Drew.”
“He’s the taller one, right?”
Both men hovered around six feet, but Drew was definitely taller. “Yeah, what about it?”
“He’s been to see me a few times.”
Drew hadn’t mentioned it, but it sounded like something he would do. That Caden would be willing to talk to Drew surprised me. Knowing that, Drew probably thought it was best that I not know.
“You been listening to what he has to say?”
“Not really,” Caden said with a shrug. “I like the other guy better. He knows street life. Your Drew, he just wants to be sure I understand that I’m to leave you alone. If you tell him I asked to see you, then you’d better explain why, otherwise he might make things bad for me. Worse than they are already.”
“Drew wouldn’t do that.”
Caden snickered. “He’s real protective of you. I’m glad of that.”
Nothing could have hidden my smile. When push came to shove, I knew that Drew wouldn’t doubt me about that missing money. We hadn’t spoken of it, but the conversation needed to happen and we both knew it. It felt like a dark cloud hung over my head while I decided what I was going to say and do.
“You’ve got a couple white knights in your corner.”
“I know, Drew and—”
“Not them,” Caden said with a snort. “Those homeless guys. Dumb and Dumber.”
“Hey, those two are my friends.”
“You’re telling me? They look at themselves as some kind of guardians, watching out for you.”
Keeping a smile off my face would have been impossible. These people were my family now and I loved them. “You should be so lucky to have friends like those two, Caden. Perhaps one day you will.”
He gave me a funny look and then shrugged. “Maybe you’re right.”
I already knew that I was, at least in this instance.