Sunday morning Linda Kincaid waited for me following the eleven o’clock worship service. Over the last few years, I’d come to rely on her more and more. In addition to being a tireless volunteer, Linda had become a sounding board and a wonderful help to me as a single father. Since Katie’s death, Linda had stepped in and bought Christmas gifts for the children, a task I found heart-wrenching.
Not that I avoided shopping. I actually enjoyed it. Well, for the most part. Shopping without Katie was what I found especially hard. Buying Christmas gifts was something the two of us had always done together. We’d looked forward to it.
Without Katie, Christmas and all the other important holidays had become just another slap in the face that reminded me I was alone. For the past three Christmases, I’d barely held it together. If not for Linda and a few others in my church family, I don’t know what I would have done.
This year felt different, and in a good way.
“I met your friend,” Linda said.
“Which friend would that be?” I asked as I finished checking over the deposit slip for that week’s contributions. Lloyd, Linda’s husband, was the one who counted out the money each week.
“That woman,” Linda continued, “the one at Hope Center.”
Just thinking about Shay brought a smile. “I hoped she’d introduce herself. The children and I attended her graduation.”
Surprise flickered in Linda’s eyes. “Really? That was kind of you.”
“She’s come a long way. I’m proud of the positive changes Shay has made in her life.” I was tempted to explain that finding Shay that morning in the church all those months ago had been a turning point for me, too. That meeting had reconnected me to Kevin, which led to gym time with the guys, which had resulted in a small group gathering with fellow pastors where we encouraged and supported one another. It’d been like watching a series of dominoes falling. One event led to the other.
“I understand you brought her to the house,” Linda said, and her eyes bore into mine as if waiting to hear if that could possibly be true.
“I did,” I admitted, surprised by the censure I heard in her voice.
“Is that wise, Drew?” she asked.
“How do you mean?”
“Is this really someone you want to expose your children to?”
Linda looked mildly uncomfortable. Knowing her as well as I did, I realized this wasn’t a casual question but one she’d been mulling over for several days.
Immediately my hackles went up with the need to defend my decision. “Shay has been nothing but wonderful with my children. I’m surprised at you, Linda. I would hope you wouldn’t prejudge someone by their past.”
She took my criticism with a gentle nod. “I’m prone to err on the side of caution. It surprises me that you haven’t, is all.”
“In this case, I don’t feel it’s necessary.”
“Perhaps,” she agreed with some reluctance and followed me out of the church.
As far as I was concerned it was a closed subject. I was eager to get to the parsonage, where Mark and Sarah were waiting. We had plans to decorate the tree this afternoon. Later, Shay was due to arrive to fix Sarah’s hair with those fancy French braids my daughter had admired. In fact, Sarah had talked of little else all morning. In light of Linda’s feelings, I didn’t mention Shay’s visit.
“Actually, I stopped to ask what you had in mind for the children this Christmas. I’d like to do the shopping a bit earlier this year instead of waiting until the last minute.”
This was in reference to the previous year, when I’d left everything until three days before Christmas. Thankfully, Linda had stepped in anyway. While I was grateful for the help, Linda was more the age of my parents and really didn’t have a clue when it came to appropriate gifts for their age group. The children were thankful for the gifts under the tree, and they didn’t complain, but I knew they would have appreciated videogames and electronics more than stuffed animals and board games geared to a younger age group.
“You know, Linda, I think I’m up to doing my own shopping this year. I’m thankful for the offer. Your willingness to help has made a big difference in the last several years.”
In a gesture of friendship, she patted my back. “If you need me to do anything, don’t be afraid to ask.”
“I could never thank you enough for all you’ve done for me and my family.” I would reach out if needed, but I felt good—better than I had since I’d lost Katie. I trusted Linda and relied on her, probably more than I should. When it came to Shay, however, she was off-limits. I’d seen the changes in her from when we’d first met, the personal growth. I believed in her.
Mark and Sarah were impatiently waiting for me when I finally made it back to the house. Early that morning, I’d pulled out the tree decorations and, unable to wait, the two had already started placing the ornaments on the tree.
For practical purposes, I’d purchased an artificial tree and hoped Katie would forgive me for not getting a fresh one. I’d set it up in the corner of the living room after the kids had gone to bed the night before.
“Did we do good, Daddy?” Sarah asked, proud of their efforts.
“You did great.” I would need to add the ornaments that were higher on the tree and out of their reach. The tree already had the lights attached, so it was easier to decorate. I’d add a couple of those sparkly garlands and that should do. It was almost hassle-free.
An hour after I arrived home, we sat down to a late lunch and I was more than ready to put my feet up and relax in front of a Seahawks football game. They were playing a prime-time game on the East Coast and kickoff would start at about five-thirty.
“When will Shay get here?” Sarah asked anxiously.
I checked my watch. “Any time now.”
That was all the encouragement Sarah needed. “I’ll get my hair stuff ready,” she called as she raced toward her bedroom.
Glancing at Mark, I saw him roll his eyes at his sister. “You going to watch football with me, buddy?” I asked. We never missed a game.
My son had grown quiet and distant the last few months after school had started. I’d tried talking to him about it, but he’d remained tight-lipped. I knew his lack of height troubled him. I hoped in time that he’d open up. Because I was concerned, I’d stopped off at the junior high and asked the school counselor to keep an eye on him. To this date, I’d heard nothing back. I had to assume it was the transition Mark was making from boyhood to being a teenager. It didn’t help that he had been especially close to Katie.
The doorbell chimed, and even before I could get out of my recliner, Sarah raced toward the front door so fast she become a blur as she sped past Mark and me. Seeing her enthusiasm, I grinned.
Just as I suspected, it was Shay. Sarah grabbed her hand and nearly yanked her over the threshold and into the house. “I didn’t think you’d ever get here,” my daughter said, bubbling over with enthusiasm. “I’ve got everything ready in my room for you to do my hair.”
“Hello to you, too,” Shay said, laughing.
Sarah stopped mid-step as if she’d missed something. “You still want to fix my hair, don’t you?”
“Of course. I brought some hair clips along.”
“You did?” For a moment I thought Sarah was going to keel over with joy. “I haven’t had hair clips in forever.”
“I appreciate this, Shay,” I said as she walked in front of me. “Sarah’s been counting the hours until you got here.”
The two disappeared into the other room and the football game started. The Patriots and Seahawks were evenly matched. Mark and I were quickly involved in cheering for the Hawks. Not until halftime did I realize I hadn’t heard a peep out of Sarah or Shay.
“Daddy, Daddy.” Sarah raced out into the living room. “Look,” she cried and thrust out her hands for me to see. “Shay and I had a spa afternoon. She brought nail polish and she painted my nails and my toes, too.”
“You look beautiful,” I said, smiling at my daughter, who was bubbling over with excitement. She stood with her weight balanced on her heels to keep the nail polish on her toes off the carpet. “Shay did my hair, too.” She whirled around like a ballerina, her long braid twirling with her.
“Move,” Mark shouted. “You’re blocking the television.”
“It’s halftime,” I reminded my son.
“Can Shay and I pop popcorn?” Sarah asked.
“Of course. Great idea.” I wasn’t sure I had any of the microwave stuff, but I was fairly confident I had kernels.
Looking nervous, Shay came into the living room. She rubbed her hands together as she spoke. “I hope you don’t mind my painting Sarah’s nails. She was excited and said you wouldn’t mind.”
“It’s fine,” I assured her, more interested now that the third quarter of the game was about to start.
“I would have asked, but it looked like you were wrapped up in the game.”
“Not a problem.” Glancing over my shoulder, I made my way into the kitchen to show Shay where to find what she and Sarah would need for the popcorn.
Before long the entire house was filled with the scent of popping corn, and my mouth started to water.
Sarah brought me a large bowl and another for her brother before she and Shay joined us in the living room. Shay sat on the sofa between the two kids. Sarah leaned her head against her and Mark looked completely at ease, munching away on the popcorn.
“What’s the score?” Shay asked, glancing toward the television.
“The Seahawks are tied with the Patriots,” Mark supplied before I could.
“Can you stay a little while longer?” Sarah asked.
Shay looked to me as though seeking my approval. “Stay,” I said. Shay had managed to keep my daughter occupied for a good part of the afternoon. That had freed me up to enjoy the game and spend time with Mark. Normally Sarah would be constantly interrupting us. This was the most peaceful Seahawks game I’d enjoyed all season.
“We win this game and we’re assured of getting into the playoffs,” I explained, leaning forward.
“Did you notice my hair, Daddy?”
“It looks wonderful, pumpkin.”
Halfway through the third quarter, Sarah grew bored with football. “Will you play a game with me, Shay?” she asked. “It’s one my mom and I used to play.”
Sarah’s request caught my attention. Sarah had played Candyland with Katie and hadn’t touched the board game since Katie’s death. I waited to see if that was the one she’d bring out from her bedroom, and, sure enough, it was.
For just a moment my chest tightened. Part of me was happy that Sarah had connected with Shay enough to play her favorite game. Another part of me heard Linda’s words of caution ringing in the back of my head. Perhaps it wasn’t such a good idea to allow Shay to get too close to my children.
By her own admission, Shay had made several mistakes in her life. She’d turned that around, which was wonderful, and I was pleased for her. But the test would come in the weeks that followed Shay’s graduation as she lived in the real world outside the protected one at the center.
“Touchdown!” Mark threw his arms into the air and leaped to his feet.
I’d been so caught up in my thoughts about Shay and Sarah that I hadn’t paid attention to what was happening on the television screen. I laughed while Mark did a happy dance around the coffee table.
Looking up from the board game that Sarah had on the kitchen table, she rolled her eyes and said to Shay, “Men!”
I had to laugh. It was a stirring moment. This was rare. I was smiling and happy. When I’d buried my wife I assumed this sense of contentment would be forever lost. And yet my children were content, my life was back on an even keel, and the church was prospering. It felt good. Really good.
Shay stayed until after the football game. At the last minute the Seahawks were able to pull out a victory, which made Mark and me happy. When I saw that she had reached for her coat, I walked Shay to the front door with Sarah at my side.
“Thank you, Shay,” my daughter whispered. She raised her hand to her head. “I never had my hair look so pretty. Can we do another spa day someday soon?”
“Of course.” Shay smiled down at my daughter.
Sarah compulsively threw her arms around Shay’s middle and hugged her.
Night had settled in and the darkness struck me. I knew Shay was without wheels. “How are you getting back?” I asked.
“Same way I got here, by bus.”
I didn’t like the idea of her riding the bus alone at night. “I’ll drive you.”
“Drew, it’s fine, really. I take the bus all the time. It’s safe; I’m fully capable of taking care of myself.”
Ignoring her, I turned to my children. “Grab your coats, we’re taking Shay home.”
“Do I have to go?” Mark cried, disgruntled to be torn away from his videogame.
“Sarah, you want to come with me?” I asked.
“My show is on, Daddy.”
“Drew, please,” Shay protested, “I’ll be fine.”
“Not happening. It’s the least I can do after everything you’ve done for Sarah. No arguing.”
She hesitated and then reluctantly nodded. “Okay, if that’s what you want.”
“It is.” I’d left the kids by themselves before, so this wasn’t anything new. If necessary, they knew how to reach me. I got my coat and car keys and called to the kids as I headed out the door. “Be good. I’ll be back in twenty minutes.”
The night was colder than I expected and a chill raced up my arms. I was glad I hadn’t given in and left Shay to wait at the bus stop in this weather, which looked threatening.
She continued to protest, but I wasn’t listening. I led the way to where I parked my car, unlocked it, and held open the passenger door for her. She went silent once she was inside the vehicle.
I got in the driver’s side and started the engine. It took a few minutes for the heater to kick in, so I asked for her address and entered it into my GPS while we waited for the engine to warm up. Neither of us had much to say, I noticed.
In the close confines of the car it seemed intimate with just the two of us. I glanced over at Shay and noticed she had focused her eyes on her hands, which were folded in her lap. Her head was bent forward and I saw that she was nibbling on her bottom lip. Seeing that stirred awake memories of my first dates with Katie and how it had been with us. We were both awkward with each other in the beginning.
I forced myself to look away. Shay was nothing like Katie and I appreciated that she’d given up a large part of her Sunday to entertain Sarah. I found that I liked Shay, and not just because Sarah was fond of her. I liked her for myself and that surprised me.
I hadn’t touched another woman since the moment I’d met Katie. She’d been my soulmate, the love of my life. Finding myself attracted to another woman shook me. It took me by surprise.
I felt the sudden need to break the silence.
“I’m grateful for everything you did for Sarah today.”
“She’s a wonderful little girl.”
“A bit precocious at times.” I found it was necessary to keep the conversation going, needing to keep my mind away from these alien feelings. “Did she happen to say anything about what she wanted for Christmas?”
“Christmas was all she talked about,” she told me.
It was apparent my daughter was a subject we were both comfortable enough to discuss. “Did she mention anything in particular?” I asked.
“She did. She claims she’s getting too big for dolls but there’s this one Barbie doll that caught her eye.”
I knew next to nothing about the doll market.
Shopping for Mark was much easier for me. My son enjoyed videogames and I’d recently taught him to play chess. Mark was easy to shop for, but when it came to Sarah I was at a loss.
Stopping at a red light, I glanced over at Shay. “Would you mind…seeing how well you know Sarah…but only if it’s convenient, if you have time…I could really use some help with my Christmas shopping, especially when it comes to Sarah.”
Shay’s gaze flew to mine. “Sure. I guess. I mean, if you’d like.”
“Great.” I wasn’t asking her out on a date. She was doing me a favor. That was all this was.
After dropping her off at the tiny house where she lived among a row of other tiny houses, I headed back to the parsonage, grinning the entire way. As I returned to the house, whistling, both children glanced up at me with a look of surprise.
“What?” I asked.
“You’re smiling, Dad,” Mark commented.
“Is that so unusual?”
Both children continued to stare at me as if the answer was a given. I’d told Shay I’d pick her up after her shift at the diner the following afternoon and we’d head over to the mall. As I made sandwiches for dinner, I wasn’t able to keep the smile off my face.