Chapter Nineteen

AYRIE

I whistled while I walked up the stairs to the room Elle and I shared in Nathaniel and Ashlyn’s opulent house. My feet sank into the thick carpet. Their place wasn’t too small and was surprisingly well decorated. The seafood on Vandwa was superb. The house, food, and company reminded me of home. I found myself missing Auxem more here than I ever did on the starship.

We were finally going back to my home away from home. I had finished all the arrangements and shuttles were already bringing supplies back to the mothership. We had food fabricators and some gardens on board, but it wasn’t economically feasible to provide food for so many people with fabricators, no matter how convenient it was. I was looking forward to seeing Arnon and Jayne and the twins, and my other brothers Anders, Avren, and Allex, too. I missed them.

I was hoping she would forget all about the divorce once we were back on the ship. Maybe I could talk her out of it. I had plans to be a better husband. We wouldn’t let things get as tense as they were before.

I opened the door to our suite and went looking for Elle. She wasn’t in the bedroom, bathroom, or lounge area. I finally found her on the balcony overlooking the sea. That was one beautiful thing about Vandwa — there was an ocean view everywhere.

“How’s it going?” I walked behind her and put my arms around her waist. She leaned back against me and sighed. Being close to her made me feel like I was on fire inside.

“Okay, I guess.” Her voice sounded soft — or was it sad?

“Everything’s ready to go. Nathaniel’s going to take us to the spaceport. I’ve made a standing order to check all the paralytic converters on our ships before anyone boards them.” I kissed her cheek, and she turned in my arms. The look in her eyes startled me.

“Ayrie.” I was afraid of the tone in her voice. I interrupted her quickly.

“I know we’ll be going back to the ship, and you’re worried things will go back to the way they were between us. It’s going to be different this time, Elle.”

She didn’t look at me.

“I’ve made a list of things I’m going to do so I can be a good husband. The first thing on the list is more make-out sessions.”

That got a smile out of here. “That’s very unselfish of you. But...”

“I’m not finished yet. I want to make sure we never get to the point where we were before, not talking and bitter. I want us both to promise we’ll discuss any problem we have with each other. Won’t that be healthy?”

She opened her mouth to answer, but I didn’t wait for her to speak.

“And we’ll do things together, and we’ll figure out something when we reach Auxem. You’re not going back to Earth.”

“Hang on a second. I have something to say.” Elle held up her hand, and the expression on her face made me stop talking. I knew the words coming out of her mouth would be bad news. The look was familiar.

“You don’t have to do this.”

She stepped away from me. “Ayrie, I appreciate that you’re trying. If you had offered this to me a week ago, I would have been ecstatic.”

“What’s the matter with now?”

“I’m different now than I was a week ago, and in a good way. I know I can’t keep living like this.”

She was talking about leaving me. And I didn’t know if I could do anything to stop her.

ELLE

“When I spent the afternoon alone by the ocean, I realized I’m not as damaged as I thought. The realization has given me a strength I didn’t know I had.” I licked my lips and pressed on, afraid he would interrupt me or I would lose my courage. “I’m tired of living part of a life. I’m partially loved, half fucked, sort of friends but not sharing my heart with you. When I was on Earth, I had no life. In a way, I should be grateful for what I had with you. Maybe I would have been before, but I deserve more than that.”

“More than what?”

“More than being friends with benefits or having a surface relationship. More than just being content. I want something else.” I stared up into his handsome face that looked desolate right now. “I want a husband who loves me.”

I felt a tear roll down my face. I couldn’t say it, but I didn’t only want a man who loved me. I wanted Ayrie to love me. But that couldn’t be, and I wouldn’t dwell on it. “I want a man who isn’t afraid to give me all of his heart and who believes that if he does give me his heart, I will guard it like my own.”

“Hold on a second.”

“I know you have your reasons and I can’t change them. For a while, I thought you would change. Now I know you can’t and you won’t. That’s okay because I finally have the strength to ask for myself.”

“Don’t do this.” His tone nearly broke my heart, but I held on to my new-found strength.

“I deserve everything I want.” I knew it was true in my soul. “I’ve earned true love and full-on sex with penetration. My future has friendship in it and cuddling on a couch, as well as sleeping in the same bed as my husband. I’m going to have it all. Just not with you.”

He dropped his head. “Elle.” The way he said my name was so heartbreaking that I almost caved. But I remembered I wasn’t going to be a doormat anymore. I was going to get the best life could offer. No matter how hard he tried, Ayrie couldn’t give me what I wanted. He had said so himself.

“I’m not going back to the starship with you, Ayrie.”

AYRIE

My heart dropped to the floor. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.”

“Ashlyn and Nathaniel have offered to let me stay with them until I get back on my feet. You know I can’t go back to Earth, but I like Vandwa. It seems like the perfect place to start over.”

“Without me?”

“There’s work for starship mechanics on any planet. If I stay with them for a little while, I can get a job and save up some money to move out.”

I stared down at the wooden boards of the balcony. They needed painting, and one looked rotten. I would have to tell Nathaniel about it.

Her voice sounded compassionate. “I know it might take a little time for you to adjust, but you’ll be back to your old life before you know it. And you’ll get your old bed back. You won’t have to sleep in the guest room.”

The thought of sleeping in either one of the beds myself made my stomach turn. I was already used to having Elle beside me at night.

“At least there isn’t a bond between us, Ayrie.” She made it sound like it was a consolation prize. “We can still go our separate ways and live our lives. We can divorce and find happiness with other people.”

The thought of another man having Elle made me want to smash my fist into the wall. I would never have her, and she wouldn’t be part of my life anymore.

“Let me make sure I understand what you’re saying. You’re going to leave me.”

“You make it sound like you weren’t part of this.” She looked disgruntled. “It takes two people to sink a relationship.”

“I know I’m not faultless, but I’m not leaving, either.”

“As a matter of fact, neither am I. I’m staying here. Vandwa is lovely.”

“Auxem’s beautiful, too.”

“Unfortunately, Auxem doesn’t want me. I can’t have babies, remember?” She couldn’t keep the bitterness out of her voice. The subtext was worse than what she had actually said. We both knew the only reason she couldn’t have babies was that I wouldn’t bond with her. “You don’t want me, either.”

“That’s not true.” I felt like I was living in a nightmare.

“Desire and friendship aren’t enough, Ayrie. Don’t you understand? I want you to love me, and that’s something you either can’t or won’t do. Stop acting like we could fix things. We can’t.”

“What if I did it?”

She became very still. “Did what?”

“Fell in love with you.”

She stood looking at the ocean while I waited for her to answer me. Suddenly she turned, eyes flashing, and stared into my soul, searching for the truth.

“Will you?”

I looked into her eyes. I knew what to say. I should tell her I would fall in love with her, but I couldn’t, and I waited too long.

Her face fell, but she wasn’t disappointed. It was even worse. She was resigned. “That’s what I thought.” She shook her head. “I’m sorry, Ayrie.” She kissed me on the cheek and left.