Chapter Sixteen

ARNON

She had seen me.

There was only one thought in my head on an endless loop as I tried to cope with the usual torture of retracting my wings. She hadn’t figured everything out yet, but she would, one way or another. She was a smart woman and when she connected the dots she would leave me.

By this time, losing the women in my life was a familiar experience. But this was something different and worse. If Jayne left me, she would be choosing to go, and that was a pain that was new to me. The pain from my wings seemed to go on for longer than usual as if the suffering in my mind and heart had intensified it. It took some time for me to see normally again.

What was going to happen now? Jayne would know soon. Would she hate me or want a divorce? How could I have screwed up this badly? I was breaking every rule my father had made to benefit us.

“Arnon?” Jayne’s voice came through the door. “Are you okay? I’m worried about you.”

I came out of the bathroom looking normal, with no signs of the suffering she had seen only a few minutes earlier. I didn’t answer her. Nothing I could say would make the situation better.

“You seem okay now.” She looked confused, but I could see her mind working. “Why do you always go to the bathroom to put your wings away or take them out?”

I didn’t answer her.

“Why were you in so much pain before and now you’re fine?”

I examined the wall as if it were the most exciting thing in the world.

“You’re still hiding things.” Sorrow filled her voice. “How can we have a marriage with secrets between us?”

I turned to her and told her the truth, for once. “I don’t know.” I grabbed my shirt from the couch and walked out the door.

I wandered aimlessly, needing to talk to someone, and found myself in front of Ayrie’s room. He wasn’t an expert in dealing with women. None of us were. I thought he understood my situation, though, and might be able to give me some advice.

My pulse pounded as I rushed down the hall. I was having a hard time wrapping my brain around the ramifications of Jayne’s newfound knowledge. Ayrie opened the door as soon as I knocked. He was always up late. Ayrie was alone in the room, and Elle was still in the medical ward.

“How’s Elle doing?” I asked.

“You’re not going to believe this, but I think Allex and his team figured out what’s making them sick.”

Good news would pull me out of my misery. “They did? What was the problem?”

“It’s a combination of two things. The humans don’t travel in space as much as we do, and a lot of them are getting space sickness. That would be bad enough by itself, but to make things worse, someone brought a flu virus onto the ship with them. We’re immune to the flu, and some of the human women are too. But the women who are prone to space sickness and vulnerable to the flu are getting hit twice. Elle was one of the unlucky ones. The doctors are treating them now, and they should all be fine within a week.”

“That’s one piece of good news for today.” My brother must have heard something in my voice that revealed how upset I was.

“Is something the matter?”

“Jayne found out about my wings.” I sat down on the couch, rubbing my temple.

“Is that news? You took her flying a couple of days after you met her.”

“Let me be specific. Jayne knew about my wings, but she didn’t know about the pain.”

“You should start at the beginning. What happened to you? Tell me everything.” He looked curious. Usually, he had an expression of bored indifference on his face. It was odd for him to show so much concern.

I had so much energy that I started pacing around the room. “When I returned from flying tonight, I teleported into our suite. Jayne was there, wearing some lingerie I bought for her.”

Ayrie held up a hand. “You know, as it turns out, I don’t want to hear everything. Skip over what happened next. I’ll use my imagination. Well, tell me one thing. Were your wings out?”

“Yes. She likes them.”

“Really?”

“Doesn’t Elle? I assumed it was something particular to Earth women.”

“I don’t know what Elle likes and doesn’t like.” It seemed like he was deliberately obscure. “But we’re talking about you, not me. I’m assuming that the problem wasn’t about the sex?”

“Of course not. It was afterward.” All of a sudden I felt deflated, and I sat down on the couch again. “She fell asleep. She sleeps for a few hours after we’re intimate, so I usually take the opportunity to change my wings in the bathroom.”

He nodded.

“When I went in, I noticed someone had broken the lock. I didn’t worry about it because she was out.”

“She never wakes up, except for the one time you need her to stay asleep.” Understanding dawned on his face. “Had you started already?”

“Yes, and of course I couldn’t stop. Jayne watched the whole thing. And when she offered to help because she thought something was wrong, I told her to get the hell out.”

“Sometimes saying nothing can be better than saying the wrong thing.”

“The worst part was when I came out looking like a human. She was confused at first but quickly started figuring things out and asking complicated questions.”

“What did you tell her?”

“Nothing, but I almost revealed everything when she started asking me. The bond demands complete honesty between the partners.”

“Right. It must have slipped my mind.”

Ayrie had bonded himself to Elle. How could he forget this?

“Before I left, she asked me how we could have a marriage with secrets. I said that I didn’t know.”

“I’m not an expert on women, but it’s clear to me that was the wrong answer.”

“I know. Well, I know now, at least.” I ran my hand through my hair and forced it to stand on end. “What am I going to do?”

“Well, Father can’t find out. That’s for sure. You’re going to have to make her promise to keep this secret too. It’s going to be a lot of pressure on her, though. She’s a chatty one.”

“Right, but what about my marriage?”

“I wouldn’t worry too much about that. The bond will make you tell the truth when she asks you. Once everything is out in the open, you’ll just have to see what happens. But Jayne’s got a level head.”

I stared at him. “She saw me in agony and thought something was wrong with me. How is she going to want the same thing to happen to our children? Our women understood that flying was worth it, but the humans won’t. You remember what happened before, don’t you? They couldn’t get rid of us fast enough once they found out about it.”

“You’re underestimating the Earth women. They’re tougher than they look and can be more understanding than we give them credit for.”

“How do you know?” I gazed at my younger brother. For a moment, I forgot there was any difference in our ages. I had not realized he was this perceptive.

It seemed like he could read my mind as well. “What’s the problem? Can’t I have an opinion? I think the most important thing is for you to tell her everything. You can get it all out at once, and then say that you won’t ever screw up like this again.”

“Yes. That would be a starting point. Jayne was pretty upset.”

“If it works, you can see how she reacts. Ask her to wait before making any hasty decisions for a few days. That way she can think things through, and you’ll have a chance to talk to her some more.”

“Okay.” I started to feel like I was in control again.

“Then you’ll have time to convince her that the pain is worth it. Take her flying again and make her see. Unless Jayne believes the pain is insignificant, there’s no way she’s going to keep a secret like this from the other women. I don’t think she could even if she wanted to. She’ll feel morally obligated to tell them.”

“You have a good point.”

“You can always remind her that our people will go extinct if she doesn’t keep the secret. Show her pictures of Mom and us flying when we were younger. Try to make her believe our culture is worth preserving. We’ve visited too many planets. Earth is our last chance.”

JAYNE

It felt like I had been crying for hours. Ever since Arnon had left, I had curled up in a ball on the bed, sobbing.

He was still keeping secrets from me. First, it was the wings, and now it was something else. I hadn’t quite figured out what the something else was yet. My mind was so muddled that I couldn’t sort it out. But it was clear that he was hiding something. And I couldn’t handle him lying to me. The very idea of having secrets between us felt wrong in my soul.

Our relationship had no room for deception or keeping things from each other. Why wouldn’t Arnon tell me? Didn’t he trust me?

By the time he walked back into the room, I was devastated — an empty, broken shell of myself and barely capable of coherent thought.

“Jayne, listen to me.” He gently lifted my chin to make me look at him. “I’m going to tell you everything. There won’t be any more secrets between us.”

His voice sounded anguished, but I wondered if I imagined it, just like I had imagined that he loved me enough for complete trust. He came to the bed and pulled me into his lap, wrapping his strong arms around me. Normally, the gesture would be comforting. Now there seemed to be a vast chasm between us.

“Do you want me to tell you what I’ve been keeping to myself?” Something about his demeanor gave me the impression that he was hoping I would say no. What was the big deal here?

“Yes.” As soon as I said it, I started second-guessing myself. Maybe some secrets shouldn’t be told. He was looking at me like he was about to do the hardest thing in his life. I changed my mind almost immediately. “You know what? No. Don’t tell me if you don’t want to. I just want to know why you were in pain earlier.”

He gave a mirthless chuckle and dropped his eyes. “I’m afraid it doesn’t work that way. If you want the answer, then you have to hear everything. I have to tell you because of our bond.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“I can’t lie to you. It’s part of the bonding process. Keeping the secret was difficult, but as long as you didn’t ask me a direct question, I could handle everything. Things are different now.”

Something else clicked into place for me. “Is that why it feels so wrong that you were keeping something private?”

He nodded. “Probably. The bond is a mysterious thing. It makes two people closer than someone outside of the bond can imagine. But it also has the consequence of making us unable to lie or keep things from each other.”

“Isn’t that good?” I felt so confused at that moment that I wasn’t sure I would be able to tell someone my name. I had always thought honesty was a good trait. Could it be that sometimes too much truth could be a bad thing?

“Usually, it is. But we’re getting into the grayest of gray areas now.”

I put my finger to his lips to shush him. “I don’t think I want to know any more. Maybe you shouldn’t tell me anything.”

“It’s too late. There’s no going back now. It hurts for me to sit here without explaining everything to you.”

I noticed that he looked uncomfortable. His face was turning red, and perspiration covered his forehead.

“I wanted to start off with one thing. Please don’t hate me when you understand.” His eyes showed real fear and I wondered what kind of a secret he had. He was an alien, so it was possible for anything to be normal for him. I had opened a can of worms, and there was no putting them back inside.

“I won’t. At least, I’ll try not to.”

I could tell immediately that he didn’t believe me. But I didn’t think I would hate him when I knew whatever he thought was so important. My emotions weren’t that volatile.

“When the Great Race came to Auxem, they chose to colonize it because of its mineral deposits. We’re now wealthy because of those minerals, but there was biological life there, too. It was hard for my ancestors to survive. According to our history, we lost many groups of colonists to the beasts. We must have looked like dinner to them.”

I shivered and wrinkled my nose in distaste.

“The settlers finally figured out how to defend themselves and fight the wildlife, but the population was still decreasing every year. The children were particularly vulnerable. If things didn’t change, we would have been wiped out.”

“So you took to the air?”

“That’s right. We started working on a genetic adaptation that would protect our children. Wings. But there was a problem. The first recipients died, rejecting the modification. It took some time to sort everything out, but eventually we had the first generation of babies who would develop wings.”

“What do you mean, develop?”

“We aren’t born with them.”

“Okay. This is getting kind of weird. I’ve never thought about this before.” I made a face and shook my head.

“The wings come out when we’re adolescents, and it’s extremely painful.”

“Like what I saw in the bathroom?”

He shook his head.

“Not as bad as that?”

“No.” He shook his head sadly. “It’s worse.”

I swallowed, looking up at him from where he cradled me.

I sat up and moved off his lap onto the bed beside him, turning so we were facing each other. Sorrow filled his eyes. “Some of us can’t take it and decide to end the pain permanently.”

I held up my hand. “Stop. That sounds disgusting. I don’t want to hear it.”

“I can’t stop.” He looked like he wished he could. “The pain is terrible. It usually takes about six months for the wings to emerge completely. During that time, there’s persistent distress every moment we’re conscious.”

“But it gets better, right?”

“In a sense. Once they’ve emerged, the worst of the pain is gone. But every time we want to fly, we have to take them out and start the process over again.”

He stopped talking and waited in silence while I thought. “Is there anything else that you’ve conveniently forgotten to tell me?”

“I don’t think so. That’s everything important. I don’t want there to be any more secrets between us.”

It sounded like he meant well, but there shouldn’t have been any secrets in the first place. “So what about our children?” I had to learn the truth. “Are you telling me that my son or daughter would have to go through the same agony? The pain that is so bad it can drive kids to commit suicide?”

He nodded, slowly, his eyes bleak. “That’s right. But it’s worth it, Jayne. Let me prove it to you.”

I shook my head. I had kept myself under control until this point, but there was a feeling of betrayal growing inside me. He had kept too many secrets while we fucked like rabbits, trying to make a baby that would have to go through unimaginable agony to become an adult.

I knew what I had to say.

“Arnon, I can’t bring that kind of punishment down onto an innocent child. I will stay married to you.” I paused before saying the words I knew would break his heart and were already breaking mine. “But we can never have children.”