Chapter Twenty

AYRIE

I knew it had only been two days since I returned to the starship without Elle, but it felt like much longer. Everything here held memories of her, but none of them were good. One spot reminded me of a fight we had where I was mean to her. We had disagreed about the correct position of a chair. In this room, I should have apologized to her, but I didn’t.

The suite was a monument to failure. I ended up asking Anders if I could stay with him for a few days. My excuse was that I was used to living with someone and needed to talk with people.

He said it was all right as long as I didn’t leave the toilet seat up.

I would do whatever I had to if it meant I could get out of my place. It had never been a home for us. I felt like I was losing my mind. At this rate, it was like I already had Bond Rejection Syndrome.

On the morning of the third day, Anders and I were having breakfast in his kitchenette. He kept talking about a new fighter. Anders was trying to convince Father to buy a few to protect the transport in case someone attacked us. I wasn’t totally listening to him until he suddenly stopped talking.

“What’s wrong with you, Ayrie?”

“My throat hurts. Maybe I’m coming down with something.”

“I’m not talking about anything physical. You’ve looked a little lost lately. I might even be tempted to call it moping.”

“That’s not an accurate description of me at all. I’m a handsome, rugged man. I never get miserable.”

I felt offended, especially because I hadn’t told anyone about the pending divorce. I planned to say Elle had decided to get off the ship and stay with Ashlyn and Nathaniel for as long as possible. It was going to take a few days to move all the supplies onto our ship.

Were my emotions that transparent? Elle was divorcing me. I didn’t know why I was reluctant to say anything to my brothers. Was I ashamed that my wife wanted to leave me, or was I privately nursing a hope she would change her mind?

“Is brooding more appropriate? What happened to you on Vandwa? Are you traumatized from the crash? You should talk to Allex about it. Maybe he can recommend a psychiatrist to help you.”

“Just let it go, Anders.”

“I’m not your favorite brother, and I’m not particularly perceptive, but even I can see something’s the matter with you. We can all sense it.”

For a moment I thought I could see beyond his facade and remember I was talking to my little brother. He had always chased after Arnon and me, trying to keep up with the older boys and constantly crying when he couldn’t do the things we could. I hadn’t felt sorry for leaving him behind when we were younger, but something about his expression tugged on my heartstrings.

“Elle’s divorcing me,” I whispered.

He frowned. “Not really?”

“She didn’t come back with me because she’s going to become a permanent resident on Vandwa.”

“Don’t let her.”

“I can’t stop her if she’s made up her mind.”

“Have you even tried? You know how these stories are supposed to work.”

“As a matter of fact, I don’t.”

“I happen to know that you do.” He pointed at me. “The boy always chases after the girl and makes her realize he loves her. She ends up choosing him in the end. All you have to do is take a chance.”

“I don’t love her. You’re asking me to make her believe a lie.”

“You’re a fool. Anyone can see the truth on your face.” His voice had the same tone of disbelief as Nathaniel’s. He shook his head. “Is the problem that you don’t know what love is?”

“No. I’m aware of the definition.”

“Romantic love is different than any feelings for your family.”

“And how would you know, Anders?” His face went blank. He was trying to hide something. It took him a second to recover.

“I’ve been watching some of the movies we brought back from Earth. Let me ask you a serious question. What’s it going to be like at the end of your life if you keep living it like this?”

“I’m afraid you’re going to have to be more specific.”

“Ayrie, you never commit one hundred percent. You’re scared.”

“I’m not scared of anything.” Anders stared at me and shook his head. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. Do you know anything about commitment?” I wanted to turn the spotlight off of me and how I felt about things.

“I have a pretty good idea.” His mouth tightened for a second. I knew from experience the expression meant he didn’t want me to ask any more questions.

I didn’t care what he wanted. “What’s her name?”

“We were talking about you, not me. Let it go. It doesn’t matter who she is.”

I couldn’t stop myself. Making a subtle jab at Anders would make me feel better about myself. “Is it someone in the trial? Can you tell me the first letter of her name?”

“Shut up already. You don’t appreciate what you have. Everything was handed to you on a silver platter. You’re good-looking and smart.” He shook his head. “The sweetest girl falls into your lap and what do you do? You throw her away.”

He was genuinely angry with me. He wasn’t only annoyed by my teasing. Was he right about me? Was I never satisfied or grateful? It sounded suspiciously like my father. In my desire to avoid his fate, what if I had stepped right into it?

“She’s married.” He stared off into space.

“That’s off-limits.” I put an arm around him. “I wish I could do something to help you.” I had never been the big brother he needed me to be.

He looked up. “There is something you can do to help me. Don’t waste your chance with Elle. Everybody knows you’re lying to yourself about your feelings for her. Stop being scared and do something. If you let yourself fall, she might catch you.”

I stared at him.

“That way, you and Arnon would be happy. I wouldn’t be mad at you for wasting what some people never get an opportunity to experience. Stop thinking so much and start doing something. Come with me on the next trip down.”

“Why are you going to Vandwa?”

“I’m helping haul the supplies up to the mothership. You’ve been in a daze, haven’t you? You can catch a ride down, fly in the fresh air, and figure things out.”

For the first time, I considered the possibility of letting myself fall for Elle. The idea was both terrifying and exciting.

“I’m too scared.” I wanted to sound confident, but it came out in a whisper.

Anders looked at me with compassion. “I know. But you’re not just her husband. You’re also my big brother, the one who has never been scared of anything. Not beasts on Auxem, or flying off a cliff when he’s too tired and his wings might not hold him, or applying to the most prestigious university in the galaxy.”

I smiled at some of the memories. I had no idea Anders saw me like that. Right now I felt like a coward, not like a brave older brother.

“If you can do all those things, you can tell one human woman you love her. Courage doesn’t mean you’re not afraid. It means even if you’re scared, you do it anyway.” He waited patiently for my response.

My mind was racing, and I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do.

“I’ll come down with you and take my wings out. I can do that, at least.”

He nodded, a knowing smile on his lips. He was acting as if I had already agreed to throw myself at Elle’s feet. “That’s a good start. As a matter of fact, your friend’s place is a short flight from the pick-up location.” He said his next words with an innocent look on his face. “Just in case you decide to go there for a visit after your flight.”

I shook my head. “We’ll see, Anders. We’ll see.”

The flight down was uneventful. Anders had personally checked the maintenance logs of the ship, making sure it was up-to-date. I wasn’t going to get stuck on the planet with my brother.

When I watched Anders pilot a spaceship, it always gave me an inferiority complex. He had so much control that our shuttle seemed like an extension of himself. He set our ship down as lightly as a feather.

He was wasting his talents doing supply runs. He needed to get back to being a fighter pilot. I would have to have a word with our father about Anders when I got back to the ship.

I took a nervous breath as we climbed out of the shuttle. It was an unbelievably beautiful day on Vandwa, with clear blue skies and a light breeze. It would be perfect for soaring.

“There’s a private area over there for the crew. You can access it from the outside and take out your wings.” He motioned to a couple of doors in the warehouse. “I hope you make the right choice, Ayrie. Go for it. Don’t let your fear stop you.”

I still wasn’t sure which decision was correct, but the right one seemed to involve a petite brunette who I couldn’t get out of my head. I watched Anders leave with trepidation. Was I really going to talk to Elle? What if she didn’t want to see me?

A small, quiet thought popped into my head, silencing all the rest. What if I didn’t do anything, and I never saw her again for the rest of my life?

The idea made me sick to my stomach. I had only spent a few days without her, and it had already been too long. Spending a lifetime without Elle was inconceivable. I held out for another moment, enjoying the perfect Vandwan day, and then I let myself go.

Something unclenched inside me, and I was set free. It felt like I was flying, and yet my feet were still firmly planted on the ground.

I had been a fool. I loved Elle, and I was going to get her back.