Chapter Six

AYRIE

I cleared my throat. “In the loft, of course.”

The implications of the size of the platform hadn’t occurred to me before. It was about the same dimensions as a double bed. We had lined it with soft grass and Elle had covered the bedding with a quilt she found and washed. We wouldn’t need blankets because it was hot on Vandwa this time of year. It looked pretty comfortable after our rough day.

But it was a tight fit for two people. We would have to sleep there together, like a husband and wife in a marriage bed. We had never done that before.

“You know, I could sleep on the beach.” I was reluctant to lie on the ground, but I wanted to look like a gentleman. After exploring, we had found that the clearing was only a few steps away from the water. We had come halfway across the island through the jungle. We didn’t know all we had to do was walk around the perimeter of the island on the shore.

“What if it rains?” Her brows wrinkled together as she frowned. She looked annoyed, but it was cute.

“Then I’ll get wet. A little water never hurt anybody.”

“Don’t be silly, Ayrie. We’re married. We can sleep in the same bed, don’t you think?”

I nodded, staring at the sunset and avoiding her eyes. “Of course.” But it would be hard to keep my hands off her.

I covered the fire with ashes, and we made our way inside and up the ladder. Once we were both up on the platform, boxed in on two sides by the slanted ceiling and railing, it felt a lot smaller than before. We sat on the bed. Elle gazed at me, biting her lip.

“It doesn’t have to be you. I could sleep on the beach.”

“If I’m not going to do it, why should you?”

“I didn’t think about why you might want to do that. Maybe you don’t want to sleep with me. You can be honest. You don’t have to worry about hurting my feelings.”

“Why would you think something like that?” I raised an eyebrow at her, feeling incredulous.

“You never have before. What am I supposed to think?”

“Elle, I just like to be careful. If I did, I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off you.”

“It’s not nice to joke around about things that are serious to me.”

It sounded like she didn’t believe me. “Wait a second.” I held up one hand. “Are you trying to tell me that you think I don’t find you attractive?”

She shrugged her shoulders carelessly, but I could see by the look on her face the feeling of rejection ran deep inside her.

“Elle.” She looked up into my eyes. “I think you might be the sexiest woman I have ever met.”

She shook her head. “I know we can’t have sex, but you seem to avoid all physical contact with me. I thought you didn’t like me that way.”

I closed my eyes. I had given Elle the wrong impression. “Trust me. You’re an attractive woman. If it weren’t for mating creating the soul bond, believe me, I would have fucked you a thousand times since we got married.”

She laughed. “A thousand is a lot.”

“We mate for life with only one woman. I have a lot of pent-up energy.”

She swallowed, and the motion made her chest rise and fall, drawing my attention to it. My eyelids fluttered as I tore my gaze away. “Maybe we should stop talking about sex.”

Elle wasn’t finished speaking. “Just because you want sex with someone doesn’t mean you want me.”

I wondered how honest she wanted me to be. “Do you remember the old nightdress you brought from Earth? You wear it all the time.”

“Yes.” She blinked at the abrupt change of topic.

“It drives me crazy. It’s so thin that I can see your nipples through it. Every morning, when we eat breakfast in silence, I sit there imagining what the rest of them look like.” I closed my eyes again, seeing them in my mind’s eye. “I only saw them once. They’re burned into my memory.” Her face had turned bright red, but she still didn’t look convinced. “If that’s not enough for you, Elle, desperate times call for desperate measures.”

“Ayrie, I’m not desperate.” I saw that her nipples were standing out tight and round against her shirt.

“I am.” I pulled her close to me and covered her mouth with mine.

ELLE

It had been so long since Ayrie had kissed me that I had forgotten what an incredible experience it could be. Shooting stars exploded behind my eyes and my body felt like it was on fire, especially after all the talk about my nipples.

His mouth was hot and the kiss as passionate as he claimed. Our tongues danced, sparred, and tangled around each other until I got so aroused that I made a sound at the back of my throat. He groaned when he heard it, and his hand ventured under my top to pluck at the nipples he had fantasized about. His touch sent shock waves through me. Sex had never been like this before, and we had hardly done anything.

What would it feel like if he fucked me?

I pulled back. Ayrie wouldn’t go all the way because he didn’t love me. And he didn’t want to fall in love, form a bond, or do any of that stuff.

“Is something the matter, Elle?”

“We’re torturing ourselves.” I didn’t meet his eye. “You know as well as I do that we can’t have sex, Ayrie.”

He laid back on the bed. “That doesn’t mean we can’t have fun.” He tugged on my hand and pulled me down next to him. We were both on our sides, and he wrapped his arm around me, making me feel protected. It was an unfamiliar sensation.

“We both know where the fun is going to lead.”

He made a sound of frustration and longing. “Don’t talk about that. Lying next to you is hard enough as it is.”

Something certainly was hard, and it was pressing against my butt. I snuggled back tighter against Ayrie and smiled to hear him suck in a breath. He did want me. His body didn’t lie, and neither did the kiss. And even though we couldn’t have sex, which was incredibly frustrating, it made me feel better that he found me attractive.

It made me feel special. If I closed my eyes, I could almost imagine I was loved.

AYRIE

Last night, the combination of Elle’s closeness and unfamiliar surroundings made it so I could hardly sleep a wink. Every second I felt like something was keeping me awake. Either the brushing of our bodies was creating desire inside, or I was jumping up as a strange sound startled me. I was used to the complete silence of a starship and the symphony of sounds that accompanied a night on Vandwa was a distraction.

Elle didn’t know about my wings. If she knew, we could fly off the island at any time, but she was forbidden to learn about them. We were going to have to get rescued a different way.

This afternoon the plan was to climb to the highest point of the island. If we got up high enough, maybe we could see a ship or some sign of civilization. I carried everything to make a fire on my back wrapped up in a big leaf — a bunch of fire plant, starter rocks, some dry grass, and smaller green leaves to make smoke. There was a hill in the middle of the island. I didn’t know how these islands had formed, but all the ones I had seen on Vandwa had a mountain in the center.

“Do you want to stop for a rest, Elle?” She seemed to be breathing pretty hard, and I was worried about her health. She hadn’t recovered enough from her illness to be doing long hikes without taking a lot of breaks.

“I’m doing fine. I’m a little short of breath, but I’m out of shape. I never did any physical therapy or rehabilitation when I got better.”

I still felt concerned as I watched her walk ahead of me. She seemed fragile as if she was made of glass and would break if something hit her the wrong way. It made me nervous. I didn’t want her to shatter.

Wait a second. Why was that? What did it matter? If she left, I would be sad, but I would also be free. Wasn’t that what I truly wanted?

Elle gave up after twenty more minutes of walking. “Okay, now I need a break.” She flung herself down on the ground, picking a spot where we could see the entire island and the sea stretched out before us. “It’s beautiful here.” She lay back and closed her eyes, using her hands as a pillow under her head.

“It’s better than a spaceship, that’s for sure.” I stared at her face. She looked sweet, and I felt my chest tighten.

“I feel like we’ve plundered Earth.” She wrinkled her forehead in thought. “Do you know what I mean?” She opened her eyes and realized I was already looking in her direction.

I nodded. It had been terrible spending an extended period on Earth. It needed a lot of change if the humans wanted to keep it livable.

“Ayrie, I think it will be hard for me to go back after seeing this. And Auxem, too. I was reading about your planet. You have laws in place to protect the environment, right?”

I ignored her question, choosing to say what was on my heart. “I don’t want you to go back to Earth.”

She closed her eyes again, and her face looked like she was hurting. “You can’t have it both ways. You don’t want to have sex because of Bond Rejection Syndrome. I don’t want to get it either. But if we don’t bond, I can’t get pregnant, and I can’t stay. The invitation to relocate is only for fertile women.”

“There must be a way.” I stopped when she held up a hand.

“There isn’t unless you get me pregnant. We both know there’s zero chance of that happening.”

I paced the small clearing like a caged animal. I wouldn’t mind putting a baby in her. I wanted it so badly that I could taste it. But she was right — without love in the equation, it was a bad idea. I finally understood why I had been pushing her away for so long. If I got too close to her, I would make myself crazy with desire.

She stood up. “I don’t want to go back.” Her eyes filled with sorrow.

“Maybe we can figure out something.” I began walking up the trail again. “I bet there’s something we can do.”

“There’s the obvious thing.” She was still behind me.

“What is it?” I kept walking.

“You could fall in love with me.”

I froze before slowly turning around. Elle was looking at me with big eyes.

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“I don’t think I can do that.” My voice came in a whisper.

“You’re choosing not to. There’s a difference.”

I felt like her eyes were burning through me. “Are you sure, Elle?”

She nodded her head. “You have issues because of your Mom and the tragedy of Auxem. I understand. But don’t act like we couldn’t bond. You know we could.”

I stared at her, unwilling to believe what she was implying. “Why would you want that?” I said it so softly that I wasn’t sure she even heard me.

“If you don’t know, maybe you’re not as smart as you think you are.” She bumped her shoulder into my body as she moved past me up the hill.

Was she saying I should know why? The simplest explanation was she wanted me to love her back. But that couldn’t be true. Elle was unhappy with me. On the other hand, it was possible that she was dejected because she loved me and I didn’t love her.

I had told her the truth earlier. I couldn’t love her. Her words echoed in my mind as we climbed the hill in silence. Of course I was choosing not to love her. What was the alternative? Falling madly for her and ending up broken when something happened that took her away from me?

I couldn’t do it, even if I wanted to.