CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Laurel
I had no intention of going to the cookout tonight. I really didn’t. And no, I hadn’t spent the afternoon going back and forth about showing up. Okay, that was a giant lie.
Sadly, it wasn’t Bryan that had invited me. Cami and Chris had been the ones that asked me to come. There was some big celebration going on for new members or something. I honestly had no clue. I still didn’t really grasp how the whole thing worked.
The only reason I had decided to stay in was because I didn’t want to go and ruin the night. I may have also been afraid of what I would see given that Bryan hadn’t invited me. What if he had some whole other life going on there. I was almost sure he did. We didn’t have any kind of commitment to one another so, in a way, he was free to do as he pleased. And whatever that was, I just didn’t want to know. So I figured it was best if I didn’t try to mix the two worlds when he clearly didn’t want me there.
However, when Cami called me half-drunk and demanded that I come to the bar that the club owned, I couldn’t turn her down. I mean, she was my little sister, I had to make sure she was alright. It didn’t matter that she had Brand there to watch over her and that I knew he would never let anything happen to her. Or that she told me Chris and Ky were there too. Or that I knew every single person in that club would look out for her.
Sure, that was what I kept telling myself.
Even as I pulled out the sexy dress that Bryan had bought me.
Even as I tried my best to make my hair look halfway decent.
Even as I painted my lips bright red.
None of it had to do with the biker that had stolen my heart but kept me hidden.
I didn’t think of him as some strange guy that Cami swore up and down was okay, picked me up and drove me over to the bar.
I didn’t even think of him as I walked myself into the packed bar, praying that I was pulling off the sexy thing.
At least, that was what I tried to believe.
It was a total lie. I did all of this because of him. I knew it even though I tried so hard to deny it. I wanted to be the only one he saw tonight. I wanted him to eat me up with hungry eyes.
I felt sexy. I felt on fire. I did. But was it enough? Could I catch his attention while he was around all his brothers? Was that my goal here?
Maybe.
Maybe I was a bit tired of feeling like a dirty secret. I had a little tiny shred of hope that tonight would be the beginning of a change for us. But I was also smart enough to realize that I was reaching for something I would never be able to grab.
Like a magnet, I saw him immediately. He was sitting with a few other guys but his eyes were already on me. Completely taken by surprise, I lost my breath for a moment. I wanted to smile but Cami called my name and my head whipped in the opposite direction. Before I knew it, I was tucked away in a corner far away from Bryan.
I kept waiting for him to come over and say something. Maybe even act as if he knew me. But he didn’t. The minutes ticked by and I began to lose all hope that I meant something to him.
So when some guy offered to buy me a drink, I didn’t turn him down. It wasn’t my intention to play games. But I was also broke and in need of something to make me forget. Forget that I was hurting. That I wanted to cry. That I felt cheap and stupid.
I tossed down a drink, and then another. I ignored the fact that Bryan was sitting across the room playing me for the fool that he thought I was.
I decided that I wasn’t going to let another man ruin my life. Okay, so he had kind of been that man that did ruin things, to begin with. But, as much as I hated what had transpired back then, I had stopped blaming him long ago. He had sent me on a path that was hard but I didn’t regret taking.
Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw him slip out down the back hallway. By the determination of his walk, I knew he was leaving. I bet he thought he could just sneak right out the back and I wouldn’t even notice.
I made a decision right then and there. I didn’t stop to come up with a plan or rehearse some kind of speech. And I may have lied and told everyone that I was tired and had already gotten an Uber, which was waiting for me out front. Chris and Brand tried to walk me out, but I assured them that I would be fine because it was already waiting and all. It helped that they knew there were people hanging around out front more than likely smoking and whatnot.
I said my quick goodbyes then slipped out the front door. They were right, a few people were out front but no one paid me any attention as I walked passed them and around the side of the building.
I saw him just barely in the dark night. He was slipping away from me so fast I didn’t even think I would be able to catch up. He didn’t even notice that I was following him. But then again, I was pretty far away. I had no idea which room was his because he had never once invited me here to see it. That should have made me turn my butt around and go home. It was another clear sign that he didn’t want me here. Or want me beyond hot sex and the occasional take-out meal.
But I was a little tipsy and feeling bold.
I wasn’t really sure what I was going to do once I got to his room, or wherever he was going. I was torn between telling him off and letting him know how I really felt. I figured that I would make up my mind on the spot even if I knew that was the worst idea ever.
I waited to climb the stairs because I was a ball of live-wire nerves. In fact, I ended up pacing for a few moments while I tried to shake the nervousness out of my hands. Then I heard him in my ear whispering words of my Queen and I stood tall. I climbed the stairs slowly because I didn’t want to fall and break my neck. Being tipsy, wearing heels, and trying to go up concrete stairs was not a good mix. But I did it and didn’t even stumble a little.
I paused at the door that I saw him go into. I listened just to make sure that I wasn’t going to interrupt anything. When I was met with a dead silence, I lifted my hand and knocked.
The door flew open with the kind of aggression that I almost expected.
I lost my breath.
Because there he was, standing right in front of me in nothing but a pair of low slung sweatpants.
Yes, I was turned on as my eyes roamed all over his hard, broad chest.
But then I met his eyes and everything suddenly felt cold.
“What are you doing here?” His tone caught me off guard.
I supposed I had worked it up in my head that maybe he would be happy to see me. Even just a little. Only, he looked like he was pissed like I had never seen him before. Not even the first time we met and had traded verbal punches.
“I’m done, Laurel,” he said before I could even get my brain to come up with words to push out of my mouth.
The air froze in my lungs and I felt tears threaten to fill my eyes.
“I can’t do this anymore,” he said in a tone that made me shut my mouth so fast my teeth clinked together. “This isn’t what I want. You… here… like this. No.” The corner of his mouth turned down in a tight frown as he shook his head. “This isn’t working out for me. I think it’s best you go now. Find someone else to take your shit because I’m done.”
“Wait,” I cried out desperately as he started to close the door. But I could see it in his eyes. There was nothing I could say to save this. “Who am I?”
Tears stung my eyes.
His nose flared. His jaw clenched. His eyes stared down into mine so coldly.
“Who am I?” I gritted out.
It was a stupid, silly game. It was. But I needed to remind him of the good times. I needed to hear him say that I was still a queen in his eyes. I was desperate for him to see that I loved everything about him. Even his odd knowledge of history and strange royal affairs.
“The Queen.” That was all he said. I could see it all slipping away.
“And who are you?” I choked out.
My King.
I wanted to hear him say it. Couldn’t he see? That was what he was to me. He was my strength. He was my love.
“Nobody.”
Without another word, he shut the door in my face.
I stood there frozen in utter shock because that was not what I had been expecting. I really didn’t see that coming and I was left so confused. I tried to replay his words to figure out how it had come to this. I felt so dense right now because I couldn’t come up with a single thing to explain what just happened.
He had rejected me. In all honesty, I had been waiting for this moment for a long time.
But what I couldn’t figure out was why. It almost sounded like he was hurt. The look in his eyes was fierce but there was something more behind it. A wounded heart, maybe. Had I really been so blind all this time?
I started to see the night from his eyes. I couldn’t even deny that I might have pushed him there. I had been a… bitch. Cut into his manhood just about every chance I had, though I wasn’t aware of it at the time. Tonight must have been the final straw.
Perhaps, this was where I had hoped it would end. Maybe he thought he wasn’t good enough for me, when in reality, I wasn’t good enough for him. I was broken. Maybe beyond repair. I wasn’t good for myself, let alone anyone else. So what if I thought I was in love with him, maybe my head knew better than to let him get mixed up in the mess that was currently me.
I stumbled down the stairs, knowing it was pointless to try and bang on his door.
Everything was spinning and I wasn’t sure if it was because all the alcohol was catching up to me or if it was the slap of reality I had just gotten. I sat down on the bottom step and it was all I could do to hold back the tears.
I had been so stupid.
Which only proved to myself that I wasn’t good enough for him. If I couldn’t see that everything he had done had been because he really cared about me then I clearly didn’t deserve him.
I opened my clutch and fingered the edge of the note I had written weeks ago. I kept it with me because I thought that one day I might have the courage to tell him everything that I felt. I had hoped the constant reminder would eventually give me the little push that I needed.
The more I sat there and thought about it, the more I realized that we were both a mess. It would have never worked out anyway if we both kept hiding our true feelings like we had been. Still, it hurt to know that he had turned his back on me.
Bryan was that one person that I had come to really count on to be there for me. I supposed that was a crappy thing to say considering my sister and Chris were always calling and checking in on me, in a way.
But there was something about my time with Bryan that felt different. He never looked at me like he expected me to break at any moment. And maybe Chris didn’t do that so much, but there was still a certain air I felt I had to put on when I hung out with him. Maybe that was all my fault too. It could have been that I had been the one to put that idea there. That I had to still seem like I had it all together. That, though life had thrown me a curve ball, I was still walking tall and proud.
Not only hadn’t I given Bryan and me a chance, I hadn’t given anybody one. Maybe I didn’t deserve any of them. Not their friendships. Their kindness. Their concern. Or even, their love.
I walked out to the street. Chris and Cami probably already thought I had stumbled into my Uber and was on my way home. I didn’t bother stopping by the bar to let him know that I hadn’t, in fact, had a ride.
What little pride I had left took over and I told myself that I could walk home. I mean, I lived in the crappy part of town, I had dealt with the thugs and criminals and prostitutes on a daily basis. I was practically one of them. A walk back to the crappy box I called home was nothing.
I hadn’t even made it halfway there before an older model car pulled over, blocking my path. The door shoved open with a force that had my drunken self stumbling back. I turned and tried to run, losing a shoe in the process because the ground was so soft my heels dug in.
Then there was a man I didn’t know, taking me down to the ground. My clutch went flying and it was too dark for me to see where it landed. I couldn’t fight, and even if I somehow had control over my body, I knew any move I would have made would have been futile.
A hand covered my mouth. There was something there that didn’t feel like flesh. I couldn’t breathe and the more air I tried to suck in, the dizzier I felt. Then everything went dark as my body grew cold. I didn’t know how to fight it, so I didn’t even try.