CHAPTER TWELVE
B-ry
Today had been somewhat rough but mostly boring. Handing off to the Russians was never something I felt comfortable with. For some reason, I had no problems with the Irish. But the Russians…
Maybe it was because they always seemed so big and meaty. Or it could have been that I’d seen how those guys trained and fought.
Which reminded me that there was an underground fight coming up. I had an invite to go. I was curious, for sure, but I also wasn’t stupid enough to go alone. I just had no clue who I should bring.
But back to trusting the Russians. Sure, I worked out at their gym. I could have said that it was because it was close to the compound and convenient. That was nice but it was also the best gym in the whole city. Plus being surrounded by people like myself helped me to feel comfortable there. Which, I realized didn’t make a lick of sense that I was still on the fence about how I felt.
I had no legitimate reason to be distrusting of them. I didn’t even really have some kind of pang in my gut. So there was really no reason for me to have such distaste and be on edge for every hand-off. But I was. It was there and I had a good idea that it wasn’t going to go away.
It could have been that I was taking my role in the club a little too seriously. Then again, was that really a thing? Nah, I didn’t think so. I was always on guard and that wouldn’t ever change.
After that was done, I headed back to the compound and helped get the party set up. Gwen and Cami were in the kitchen but it seemed like Gwen was doing most of the work. Cami, bless her little heart, was trying her best. Only, she was kind of a mess in the kitchen. Since I wasn’t that bad at cooking, I offered a hand. But then the chit-chat became too much when Chris came to help, so I bowed out. No one seemed to notice.
There were a few times I wanted to ask Cami if she’d invited Laurel but I didn’t. I wasn’t being a coward, I just didn’t know how to bring it up without looking suspicious. I had no legitimate reason to ask about Laurel because as far as everyone knew, I didn’t really know her.
That set me in a bad mood.
Since I knew I wouldn’t be able to shake it for a bit, I headed to my room.
I contemplated riding over to her place and picking her up. Then fear of rejection hit me too hard. I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it if she laughed in my face and turned me down. I supposed she wasn’t really that mean but I imagined there would be some sort of hesitation and a lame excuse to why she couldn’t go.
This was stupid. No one had ever made me crazy like she did. We’d been doing our thing for a while now and I thought it was about time to pick a direction and go with it. What would happen if I pushed her to give it a label? Would she walk away from us if I told her that I wanted more?
For a moment, I thought fuck it and pumped myself up to talk to her.
But then I remembered that this wasn’t a night to invite drama in. This was a celebration. I didn’t want to ruin it for Mason, Lake, and Ky. Most of all Mason because he had no clue.
Ky and Lake had been pretty excited and honored when Mouse and I delivered the news. Ky, I could tell he almost saw it coming. Not that he was cocky about it. He was just smart and knew that he wouldn’t have been invited into the sacred room if something bigger wasn’t up. Lake, though, didn’t have a clue. It was almost adorable how his face lit up and he gave Mouse and me a hug. A manly hug, ya know, with the hard pats on the back and all.
Things started to get underway mid-afternoon. Mason showed up and there were cheers all around when we showed him his new patch. Then Gwen took his cut and made quick work of sewing it on. Mason was a laid back kind of guy most of the time but he didn’t hold back his acceptance and excitement about it. The man was beaming with pride, in a genuine sort of way. I wondered if he truly thought that he wasn’t good enough to fill the VP spot?
Soon the lot between the two buildings was packed with brothers, family, and friends. Things were being flipped nonstop on the grill and there was enough food spread out to feed an army.
While I did enjoy some food and a damn good burger, I couldn’t really relax. I had to stay on my toes and make sure nothing went down. We weren’t a fighting group, but all that testosterone and alcohol could occasionally bring out fists. I was determined to make sure everyone had a damn good time.
As I scanned the lot my eyes landed on Blade. I studied him for a good long minute. He knew I was watching him and I could tell because his eyes eventually met mine and he gave me a chin jerk. Not that I was trying to hide the fact that I was watching him. That only lasted a second because he was doing what I’d been doing all afternoon, watching and anticipating. I could see it in his body language and in his gaze.
For the first time, I wondered why he was still a prospect.
Then I really got to thinking about it.
He was kind of a gruff asshole. My first impression of him was not a good one. Neither was the second, third, and so on. He walked into Branded In Ink and demanded that Brand give him a job. He was arrogant and in your face. I shouldn’t have liked him and honestly, I didn’t for a long time. When I heard he wanted to prospect, I was not completely on board. But I had to admit, the guy had really stepped up and turned around. He took the shit. Did the grunt work. Even let us verbally kick him around.
Then there was this moment. This strange moment where I thought about bringing up patching him in to Iron. Because he was there making sure that nothing was going to go down just like I was. He was taking it on himself without being asked to. That was what this club needed. Good men that took the initiative and looked out without needing the order to do so.
The sun went down and people started to wander inside the clubhouse because the damn mosquitoes were so bad. Some of them opted to head over to the bar. Fitz said he would keep an eye on things inside and so I decided to stay behind and oversee the prospects on cleanup duty with Ky.
“Chris head home?” I asked after I looked around and didn’t find him.
“No, he went over to the bar with Brand and Cami.”
That made sense.
“I’m headed up there after this. I’m ready for bed, but I think Chris wants to hang around for a while. I figured I’d suck it up because he’s always doing shit for me.”
Even though we weren’t looking at one another, I knew there was a smile on his face. Yeah, he didn’t mind one damn bit. And I guessed that was what happened when you truly loved someone.
“How sweet of you,” I joked. Hey, it was better than turning into sad and irritated me.
Then I playfully pushed him on the shoulder.
“Yeah. Sweet,” he said with a smirk. “It’s not like I’m not going to get anything out if it later.”
“Wow,” I said and chuckled. “You really just said that, didn’t you?”
“Yep,” he replied and then pressed his lips into a thin line.
I could tell he was trying not to bust out laughing.
Ky had once been a player. A low-key player, if that was such a thing. He didn’t really boast and brag about his conquest like some people around here did, but he also didn’t hide the fact that he was heading off to get some tail. That changed once he really started seeing Chris. He didn’t talk about his sex life or hint to it, even. Not that he needed to. It was clear as day when those two were together. I mean, damn. I always felt like I wanted to shout ‘why don’t you two just go and do it already?!’ like all the time when they were around.
“I’m not going to ask, but I am going to say something,” he said and I gritted my teeth and waited for it. “I’ve noticed. And if I have, I’m sure other’s have as well. I’m going to guess that you have something going on that you don’t want to talk about. But the whole sneaking off in the middle of the night thing, it’s going to raise some suspicion. Especially because you’ve kept whatever it is on lockdown for months.”
A blanket of silence fell around us. This was my chance. Maybe? To say something and possibly even get some advice. But I kept my mouth closed for some reason.
“I get it,” he finally said and slapped me on the back. “Looks like they’re done. I’m heading up to the bar. Come on.” The way he said it made it seem like not going to the bar wasn’t an option for me.
We went in the back way because it just made sense. The music was blaring and the chatter was at a level a few notches above that. It sounded like everyone was having a good ole time.
I, for sure, was ready to kick back and have a few. I figured I’d let someone take the weight off my shoulders for the night. So when I found Mouse sober as could be, I asked him to keep an eye out for anything that might go down. He seemed kind of in an off mood and said he didn’t mind at all. I got the feeling like he was almost glad to have a distraction.
I didn’t think any more of it as Ky walked over to where Brand, Cami, and Chris were huddled. I grabbed a beer and joined my brothers by the pool table. Cable was on a roll and I didn’t dare try to play him. By the stack of money sitting there, I would have figured he’d cleaned everyone out already.
“Come on, man,” Sketch said as Cable racked the balls for the next game. “You’ve got to step up and win one for all of us losers.”
I shook my head and swallowed down half my beer. The table was surrounded by people now. Not surprisingly, half of those people were barely dressed, super made-up women looking to score one of us for the night. I had half a mind to just shrug it off and take my ass as far away from this scene as possible, but then someone called me a chickenshit and well, I couldn’t back down.
“Make it good,” Sketch said grabbing my shoulders from behind and shaking me back and forth. Well, trying to anyway. I was a hard guy to move when I didn’t want to. “Damn. Maybe I should start working out with you. Bet you could get me real buff in like two minutes.”
“Shut up,” I said with a laugh. “You’re too busy chasing ass to ever have enough focus to get this kind of body.”
Which was very true.
He laughed it off and agreed with me. See? I was right.
I was so into the game that I didn’t really pay attention to what was going on around me. I wanted to win but not because I was an asshole that couldn’t stand losing. It was that if I was going to do something like this, then I was going to give it my all. At least that way if I lost, I knew I had tried my damnedest.
“Eight ball, corner pocket,” I called out and did my best to keep the smirk at bay.
I was smart enough to know that you never counted all your eggs before they hatched… or something like that. My dad used to say that to me all the time. No, it was chickens. Yeah, don’t count your chickens before they hatched. That made more sense. The eggs went with the basket saying. What was with all those stupid sayings anyway?
I shook my head and focused really hard. I waited until it felt just right. The cue ball hit the right spot on the eight ball and that thing shot in the pocket like a rocket.
But then the cue ball decided to wander into the other corner pocket.
It seemed like half the bar joined in one big, sad ‘awwwww’ as my heart stopped for a split second.
Oh, well.
What could ya do?
“Good game,” Cable called out coolly. “I’ll buy you a beer. I don’t think anyone else is going to play me tonight.” He shrugged and I laughed.
Then I let him buy me a beer.
I gave up on playing anymore that night and decided to join in on the conversation that Tripp, Dade, and Charming were having. It really wasn’t about anything specific. We all ended up bullshitting about random stuff, both club related and not. It was kind of nice to have a chance to get to know Dade and Tripp a little better.
Then it happened.
I got this chill down my spine.
The same one that set me on high alert.
I sat up straight and noticed what it was right away.
Walking in behind one of the new prospects was Laurel.
The prospect had his head down and that was the only reason I didn’t get to my feet right away. My guess was that Brand had probably sent him out to pick her up because he knew she didn’t have a car.
She was stunning, like always.
And for a moment the world around me ceased to exist.
Her hair was up in a way that said she’d spent a little time getting it just right. Her eyes were lined with black and she had this smoky thing going on around the lids. Her lashes were outstandingly thick and noticeable. Her perfect mouth was painted red.
There was nothing subtle about her makeup. Which threw me for multiple reasons. I’d never seen her done up like this. Not even when I’d first met her. Everything had been light and barely there back then. Her lips had been glossy pink. And while her lashes had been thick, the stuff on her lids had never been dark like this.
I would have sworn my jaw dropped to the floor.
“Damn, she’s fine,” Sketch said from out of fucking nowhere.
I clenched my jaw.
I counted to ten.
I gripped the edge of the wooden booth.
I barely held back the urge to punch him.
Even though I had no right to be upset.
It was when I noticed what she was wearing that I calm down a little. I actually smiled on the inside. Because that dress looked even better than I imagined it would on her when I’d picked it out. Damn.
Her eyes met mine, but before I could get a reaction out of her, she turned to Cami as she called her over to their little corner.
Minutes turned into hours.
I sat there and stewed.
Finally, I’d had enough.
Because she’d spent the night ignoring me. I sat there all that time watching her drink and flirt her way around the bar. I watched from afar as she laughed and chatted with Cami, Chris, Ky and Brand like they were old friends that hadn’t seen each other in ages. I sat there, pretending it didn’t bother me to be on the outside. Pretending that I wasn’t a part of her life. That I wasn’t the man that she spent most of her nights with. And like I wasn’t the one that knew every little thing about her body.
Like that sexy beauty mark on her left shoulder.
Like the cute little freckle on the arch of her right foot.
Like the way she whimpered in the back of her throat when I ran the rough pads of my fingers down her spine.
Like that cute little thing she did with her lip right before she laughed.
Or the way she would dig her nails into my scalp when she came on my tongue.
And how her perfect nipples pointed slightly upward when she was turned on.
Or how she looked at me when her guard was down. And then the way she freaked out and got into her head, only to cut off my view of those beautiful silver eyes at the last second.
And yet, I sat there trying to hide the fact that I knew her so well. All these months I had tried to give her space and time. She was going through so much and I knew it would take a little while for her to adjust. She was still working on the adjusting part. For some reason, I wanted to be the one that was there for her. I wanted to be the person she turned to when she felt like she was about to crumble. The person she sought out when she needed to be held. The one to listen to her while she was trying to work through it all.
But I was stupid.
Because I only ended up being the one she called when she needed a distraction.
I was a fool.
An idiot.
A joke.
Waiting and holding out for her to admit how she felt, for her to open her eyes and see how much I truly cared about her had done me no good. It had only managed to cut a little more away from me each day that passed.
I realized everything we might have had, or could have had, was bullshit. We weren’t heading in some direction because there was never going to be anything more than what there was. I had spent these last few months falling harder and harder for the girl that I thought could be the one. All the while, she never saw me past the wrinkled sheets that covered her bed.
So as I downed the rest of my beer, I decided that I was done. Sure it was going to be hard to quit her cold turkey but I knew it would be the best thing for both of us. I never thought I was a weak man. Not until Laurel came along. We weren’t going anywhere. I was just keeping her distracted when what she really needed to do was face her problems head-on.
And as far as I went? Well, I needed to stop wishing and hoping for something that was never going to be.
I set my empty bottle down on the table. I really wanted another one but I wasn’t going to have it here. I’d be damned if I was going to spend another second sitting in this bar and suffering in silence like a pathetic asshole.
I stood, said my goodbyes to my brothers around me, and made my way to the back door.
It became clear to me tonight, that I cared about her more than she wanted me to. And sadly, that made me one pathetic motherfucker. She would never let me in all the way. She’d never want to be mine in the light of day. She wouldn’t ever want me to stay.
All the things that I’d been holding onto suddenly didn’t matter. Things that I thought made me special because I knew them or was the lucky one that got to be a part of them. I knew things that not many people knew. I saw parts of her that she tried desperately to keep hidden. Those were the moments that got to me the most, when she would unknowingly let her guard down and let me in. It was that part of her that like a stupid fuck I couldn’t get enough of. Those private moments were the ones that I’d come to crave as they carved themselves into my heart each time.
It was her laugh. Not the fake one that she let everyone else hear. No, it was the one where her head fell back and she got those cute little crinkles next to her eyes. The very one where she temporarily forgot all her worries of showing laugh lines and wrinkles. The one that was so open and free that her tongue jumped along with the beautiful sound.
Or the times I could see the insecurity in her eyes. When the high and mighty, need to be perfect woman was gone and in its place was the one that was unsure if her true self was good enough.
Like I’d really ever be after her for her name or prestige. Or gave a fuck what kind of connections would come along with being with her. Not that she had that now, but I knew those thoughts were always there in the back of her mind. It was how she was raised and it would be something that would take a long time to shake.
I started thinking about all the times I had spent with her. All the things that only I got to see. All the shit that I loved about her. Most of it she probably wasn’t even aware of. And I realized that I had tricked myself into thinking that it had meant more than it did. Simple things that were actually big, in a way. Like the fact that she pretended to hate it when I called her my Queen. But really she melted inside and her eyes always gave her away. Or the way it always made her grow a little stronger, her spine sit a little straighter, her shoulders pulled back a little more, and her chin tilted upward just the slightest amount.
But after her display tonight, I realized that it meant nothing. That I was just seeing things that I wanted to see.
The air was thick from the humidity but there was a coolness starting to settle into the night air. As I took in a lungful, I felt like my lungs were as weighted down as my soul. And I wasn’t sure how to move on from here.