CHAPTER THREE
Laurel
I had a huge urge to see my sister. I needed someone that would understand and would be on my side. I felt like a child that was seeking someone’s approval. And perhaps I was. I had never felt so alone in my life.
What Cami didn’t realize was that even though I was older than her, I looked up to her most of our lives. She always did her own thing. I always held some kind of pride for her and I hated it every time our parents tried to cut her down or made her hide true self. Her art was amazing. She had this way with putting colors together that would bring tears to my eyes. I envied her a little because it seemed that she had found something that she not only loved, but was good at. No, she was amazing at it.
When I first found out about the tattoo thing, I had to admit I was shocked. The thoughts of what other people would think did run through my mind immediately. I hated that and as soon as I realized that I was starting to turn into my mother, I quickly shook those thoughts away and took a step back.
Then when I thought about it—like really thought about it—it didn’t surprise me in the least. In fact, I wanted to support her but wasn’t really sure how. I felt like I had always been walking this tightrope when it came to her and our mother. I wanted nothing more than to shield Cami and keep the peace at the same time. I felt like I had failed her so many times throughout the years.
The entire drive to the tattoo shop I was a worked-up mess. I honestly had no clue how Cami would take the news. The night that Brice proposed she seemed like she was trying to be supportive. But I could see the hit of boredom and maybe even trepidation in her eyes. She never really said anything so I didn’t ask. Now that I thought about it, we never really talked about Brice. I had no idea what her opinion was on him or the whole thing. Well, it wasn’t like it mattered all that much now. It was done. I had given the ring back and everything.
I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to tell her. I felt ashamed of some things. Like, that I had cheated. Even if it was one little kiss, it was still cheating. That was how I thought of it anyway.
But really, was it such a little kiss?
No.
I couldn’t call it little when it clearly impacted me so hard. It had turned my world upside down for more reasons than one. I wondered if I was being stupid and trying to live in little girl dreams. Ones of princesses and knights and kings and happily ever afters. Those weren’t real world things. Right?
I parked and stared out my window for a good long minute. With a deep breath, I collected myself and found some inner strength that I didn’t think I had left.
The shop was surprisingly nice. I really liked what they had going on here. It wasn’t as dungeon-y as I had imagined. Then again, it wasn’t like I had ever been in a tattoo shop before. Well, I had, but I was on a mission trying to track down Brand so I hadn’t really looked around then.
“Okay, so this place isn’t as bad as I pictured it in my mind,” I said sounding a bit snobby. I hadn’t meant to. The truth was, I was nervous. I tried to cover it up by saying that I had been there before but didn’t get the chance to take it all in.
“Princess.”
That voice.
I knew that voice.
I closed my eyes and tried to ward off the shiver that was threatening to run down my body. My face did something strange. I could feel it but I couldn’t stop it. I tried to cover it up by scrunching up my nose. I had no idea if it worked or if I just looked like I had taken a whiff of something rotten.
“Too-good-for-me-biker-boy,” I called out in a mocking tone. I smiled but it was tight.
I most definitely didn’t expect him to be here. And I wasn’t nearly prepared for how my body reacted to him.
It was not a good time. I didn’t want to see him right now. I was a mess on the inside even though I might have been hiding it well.
And because I was a mess on the inside, the inner cat came out and I couldn’t stop it.
“Somehow I’m not surprised to see you here. Come to add to your collection?” It wasn’t a question I really cared to hear the answer to. I did something with my fingers in the direction of his arms, as if we all didn’t know where his tattoos were.
Though it sounded like I was turning my nose up at his tattoos, and maybe tattoos in general, I had to admit that his were nice. The colors that swirled up his massive arms only added to his hard ruggedness. I had imagined more than once the last few days what it would be like to trace the lines of them with my fingers. Maybe even my tongue. But that was all wrong.
I most certainly could not think of that now. However, once I looked down at his arms, I couldn’t stop my mind from drifting to dirty places. I felt myself flush all over and was desperate for an escape.
“No, baby doll,” he said smoothly but with a hint of an edge in his tone. The name should have pissed me off. Only it didn’t. Oh, and that smirk, it had my blood boiling with lust.
I let out an annoyed huff and crossed my arms over my chest to cover my nipples, which were now hard enough to cut glass. For some reason, I also felt the need to tuck my empty ring finger away but I wasn’t sure why I wanted to hide it. Maybe because I didn’t want Cami to see just yet. I wanted her to hear it from me, not see it and have her head float away with a million questions. I may have also been desperate for her not to say anything right now. This biker guy didn’t need to know that he had that big of an effect on me that I had completely changed the course of my future. I imagined something like that would have gone to his big, stupid head.
Yes, I did know his name. I had read it on the patch on his chest a few times now but I refused to call him something so silly sounding.
“He came here to get Blade to put a hole in his equipment,” Cami said and by the way her mouth snapped shut suddenly and a look of horror washed over her face, I could tell she hadn’t meant to say that out loud.
I tried to hold my laugh back because she was quite bad about that. She would say things that she meant to only think quite often.
And sadly, at the thought of the ‘equipment’ that biker boy had, a moan uncontrollably worked its way up my throat. I managed to turn it into more of a hmm sound before it came out. My eyes did a slow scan of his body and try as I might, I couldn’t help but linger at his crotch area. I was getting heated again.
“Are you sure Blade will even be able to find it, let alone be able to put something through it?” I asked with an arched brow.
By the way, what was up with these guys and their nicknames or whatever?
“Oh, peaches,” he said so smoothly and it only seemed to fuel the fire in me. “You know damn well I am not lacking.”
And for some reason, that was when I really felt the claws coming out. I hated my body’s reaction to the guy and I just knew he wasn’t done. Just who did he think he was? What he did, he had no right. I was heated for a whole different reason now. I was mad.
I clenched my fists behind my crossed arms as he kept going.
“I’m not like your boy.” There was a mocking hint to his tone. “I don’t need to put a huge ring on someone’s finger to keep them satisfied. But in case you need to see the proof…”
No, he wasn’t about to…
Surely, he wouldn’t.
But then he did.
He reached for his belt and actually started to undo the thing.
I was speechless.
It didn’t slip by me that he said see like I didn’t remember that day. Like I didn’t feel how hard I made him and how big it felt pressing up against me.
“What are you doing here?” Cami asked in almost a screeched yell.
It was enough to catch everyone off guard and break whatever was going on between me and biker boy.
I ignored her and started rambling about the colors of the place. I needed a distraction and that happened to be the walls on the opposite side of the shop because they were what drew my eyes. I went on trying my hardest to ignore the biker that I could feel was staring a hole through me.
“Laurel,” Cami said trying to get me focused.
“Hey, Brand,” I said as I looked over to him for the first time.
I couldn’t believe that I had completely ignored him. I must have seemed like the biggest snob right then. I hated it, but in a way, that was who I was, right?
Or who I had been raised to be. But was I that girl anymore? Could I really try to keep up with the world that had been woven around me anymore? The thoughts were silly yet so heavy for me. Which made me feel more like a spoiled princess. I bet biker boy would have just loved to hear that admission right now.
I rolled my eyes at myself in my head.
“Hey, Laurel. What brings you to this part of town?” Brand asked pleasantly.
There was a back and forth when I said I had come to have lunch with my little sister. She almost seemed mad that I had come here. She made me feel bad for expecting that she could leave when I wanted her to. I hadn’t meant it to sound like that but I could see where it came off that way. The truth was, I was not all that aware of how it looked. I lived in a world where I didn’t have to think about things like work and how it all, well, worked.
Thankfully, Brand told her to go. He was sweet and I really liked him. He was good for her. She left but seemed a little unhappy about it.
Maybe I had been wrong about coming here. She seemed a little annoyed that I had shown up and maybe even didn’t want to talk to me.
“Later, princess,” biker boy called out like he just had to have the last word. “Hope you didn’t get your Louboutin’s dirty while slumming it for a whole minute.”
There went my blood pressure again. I turned my head to say something only there wasn’t anything I could say. So I shot him a look that let him know how much I hated him right then.
And I did.
I hated him.
In the kind of way that I wanted to rip his clothes off.
It was all so very wrong.
Luckily, once we got to the restaurant, Cami looked like she had relaxed a little.
I picked the Phoenix Fire Café for multiple reasons. One being that it felt familiar and I needed that right now. It also had privacy which I desperately needed for this conversation. The fact that I had called off the engagement hadn’t really gotten around yet and I didn’t want to take the chance that someone would overhear. I was also well acquainted with their menu. I knew I wouldn’t be able to focus on looking at what I really wanted to eat, not that I felt I could eat. At least this way I could play it cool.
“Okay, this isn’t easy to say,” I said after I had ordered a salad and Cami chose the grilled cheese loaded with grilled veggies. It sounded delicious but it wasn’t like I had the luxury of eating such things ever. I had been thinking that spitting it out right away would be the best thing.
“Are you… pregnant?” she asked pushing the last word out in a hushed whisper like it was the worst thing to say out loud. Then she started to back peddle and babble. “I mean, if you are, that’s great. I’m excited. And I’m here for you no matter what you need.”
She sounded genuine in that last part and that was what gave me the courage to press on.
“Oh, God!” I said as the thought of what she had really asked hit me. “Wow, Cami.” I let out a frightened laugh as I held back the tears. “I, um, I broke it off with Brice.”
Alright, it was out now and I couldn’t turn back.
There was shock. It was written all over her face as the words took root in her brain. I couldn’t help but shift in my seat nervously.
“What?” Cami asked as if she hadn’t heard me correctly.
“I broke up with Brice. I gave the ring back and all.” I flicked my left hand up so she could see the now vacant space on my finger.
I hadn’t thought about it until now but my hand felt lighter. Maybe it wasn’t only my hand. I felt like saying it out loud and to Cami, at that, really made it sink in. Made it feel real. And I knew that there was no going back. Not to Brice. Not to the life that had been laid out before me. Not to the woman I had once been.
She was still stunned. Even as she asked me to explain everything. Which I did, leaving out a few big details. Like what had happened with the biker boy. And how it made me feel. And that I was a cheater. And maybe even a dirty little slut.
She said that she thought Brice and I were perfect for one another. That was a little hard to hear because I really had to think about it.
“We are, in a sense,” I said and sighed. “On paper, we are perfect. But something has always felt a little off. I don’t know. I’m sure I’m not even making any sense. It’s just… the way you talked about Brand and that dazed, can’t-help-but-to-melt-inside look you get every time made me see things in a new light.”
I couldn’t believe that I had said all that but it didn’t mean that it wasn’t all true.
“I want someone who makes me feel,” I said but I wasn’t focused on her as I talked. At this point, I was sort of just rambling on as thoughts popped into my mind. “I want every kiss to leave me confused and breathless. I want his touch to send lightning through my veins. I know it probably seems silly and maybe a bit stupid. I can tell you that I’ve never felt anything like that from Brice. Things with him have always felt… comfortable, at best.”
I told her that I had planned on talking to mom and dad after this. That I hadn’t told them yet. I don’t know why I lied to her. I could have just said that I had already gone to them and that it hadn’t gone so well. I saw the look in her eyes and I couldn’t put anything else on her. I figured I would tell her later and go into how well it had not gone. This had been enough of a bomb to drop on her. And I really didn’t want to go into the whole family thing right now. I knew it was still hard for her. I hated that she had been cut off like she had. But in all honesty, she seemed happy. I was sure a lot of that had to do with Brand.
To say I was rattled the rest of the day would have been an understatement. I honestly didn’t know what direction I was headed in. I kept on waffling back and forth between wanting to stand my ground and wanting to take it all back.
That went on for days.
Friday rolled around.
I had not made any moves to contact Brice. The funny thing was, he hadn’t made any attempts to reach out to me either. I figured he cared about as much as I did about this whole thing.
The last words he had said to me rang out in my head. There was something off. Maybe it was simply his wounded pride lashing out. I imagined that it couldn’t have been an easy thing to hear. And not to mention the fallout on his end.
Only, I couldn’t help but wonder if he was thinking about me. If he was regretful of his words. Did he want to work it out? It was silly, really. Deep down, I knew I had done the right thing for me. It wasn’t bad enough that I felt like a cheater, which I despised, but I also felt like I finally realized something that I had been ignoring all along.
The same thing I had said to Cami at lunch.
Brice and I were perfect on paper.
But beyond that, when I really dug into it and saw things in a new light, it was all wrong. I cared for him, I did. I hated that I had hurt him. I sure couldn’t stand the thought that I had embarrassed him and his family after they had always been so kind to me. Whether that had all been fake or not, well, I wasn’t really all that sure.
It had been strange that one kiss from someone that I never so much as would have looked twice at had thrown my life into a tailspin. It was a kiss, that was for sure. But I was a smart enough woman to realize that it didn’t mean anything. Big, bad biker guy just wanted to take, so he did. He wanted to see if he could ruffle the stuck-up girl’s feathers.
Well, he certainly did.
Only, that was as far as it went. I would never stroke his ego by admitting my thoughts drifted to him quite often. That I couldn’t stop thinking about him. That my lips tingled for hours after. That I had ended my engagement because of it.
No, he must never know any of that.
I prayed Cami would keep her mouth shut. Biker boy seemed cocky enough to think it was all him and let it all go to his head. I certainly didn’t ever want him to think that he had affected me as much as he had.
I, maybe, didn’t think that it was all about him. That kiss just snapped me out of the daze I seemed to have been in most of my life. I had tried so hard to be the good girl. I never did anything to tarnish the family name. That was who I was. That was pretty much all I knew.
There were so many rules and things that had been drilled into me from the get-go. Things that I wasn’t even aware of until now and I was sure there were more that I couldn’t see just yet.
I never left the house unless I was looking my best. Hair and makeup always perfect. Clothes always pressed. Nails always polished just right.
I never laughed too loudly in public. Or had one too many drinks. Or ate everything on my plate no matter how wonderful it tasted. Honestly, I had been forced so many salads and fruit most of my life, I wasn’t even sure what good food tasted like.
That led into the weight thing. I couldn’t be fat. I had to make sure that I stayed slim but not to the point I got that big head, anorexic thing going on. Heaven forbid people think that a Benson girl had an eating disorder.
It was sick and twisted.
I curled up on my bed and wanted nothing more than to cry. The realization that I was headed down a path that turned me into my mother cut me deep. I would have had children with Brice and I knew that I wouldn’t have even realized that I was bringing them up all wrong. I would have shaped them and molded them much like I had been.
I was miserable.
I had grown up that way.
But I had also been raised not to ever see it. Or if I did, then I was to push it down and hold up the false illusion that everything was perfect.
Only now I saw it.
The world around me was crumbling so fast that I didn’t think I could hold it together. Which made me wonder how was I supposed to move on now?
Who was I?
I had no idea. I didn’t know what I liked or what I hated. I had no clue as to what I wanted to do in my spare time. Ha, spare time. That was something I only appeared to have. If I wasn’t doing something in the family name, I was out keeping up the image of the perfect Benson life.
It was stupid and shallow.
I was shallow.
The things I thought about. Clothes. Shoes. Purses. Keeping my hair up and making sure that it never lost its color or shine. Rushing to the salon the moment a fleck of polish flaked off my nails and doing my best not to let anyone see. Taking trips to New York and Paris for clothes. Oh, and of course that was done on a private jet. Going to snobby restaurants all so I could order a salad. And sitting in upscale night lounges drinking the most expensive champagne.
But was that me?
Could I make it off of frozen food and ten dollar wine? Was that even a thing? I couldn’t even imagine what ten dollar wine would taste like. Or how about buying clothes off the rack and not having them tailored so they fit me just right? Would the jeans from Old Navy feel scratchy to me? Would they fit my tall, slim frame right? Did they even make them long enough in my size to cover my ankles?
It was all silly, I supposed. To think of things that I wasn’t sure I even had to worry about. Sure my father sounded dead set when he told me that if I didn’t show up to the charity dinner on Brice’s arm that it would be the end. But did he really mean it? I may have still been living in a fantasy world where I could call their bluff.
I guessed I would find out soon enough, since I had not gone to the charity dinner and all. It certainly was too late to change my mind.