CHAPTER SIXTEEN
B-ry
Dear Bryan,
This is probably absurd but I don’t feel like I can hold it all in anymore. I realize this is just a silly fling to you and I have no right holding feelings for you. It wasn’t like I wanted it to happen. I mean, look at us. We are two different people. You are strong and have your life all figured out. Me, well, we can’t even try to deny that I’m a mess, right? I have nothing figured out. I don’t even know who I am. You have a family to watch your back and mine dropped me like a hot potato. I am not trying to play the ‘oh, poor me’ card here. I just want you to know that I understand it. And I see that it is possibly ridiculous that I even thought we could ever have something more.
That doesn’t change the fact that I sort of love everything about you. I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me. And I mean everything. From the food that you bring me that I know you just didn’t happen to pick up because you were hungry. I may be blonde but I’m not that dense. I didn’t miss the fact that you stayed on nights when I felt weak and lost. Every single time.
You are perfect to me and everything I would ever want in a man. I see you and I never took it for granted though it may have seemed like I did. I am scared. Terrified, actually. I want to open myself up to you but I feel like it would only ruin what we have. I’m your fun time and I get that. I don’t want to change what we have because I’m so scared to lose the scraps that I already have of you. I think the worst thing would be if I never had another night with you. You make me smile and forget everything that is weighing me down. You look at me like I’m actually beautiful when I know I am a disaster. Come on, who could love a girl with as many roots showing as I have going on. Or one that doesn’t even bother to try anymore. You never once looked at me with disgust because I hang out in ratty sweats. Things I never imagined I would be caught dead in.
Even though I know it is wrong, I can’t help how I feel. I worry about you when you have ‘club business’ or rush off with no explanation. I hate not knowing what is going on and that I’m the last person you come to when it is all over. But I wish you knew how much it cuts me and sets me on edge.
I’m writing this all down because I know I will never be brave enough to say it to your face. I kind of hope that by getting it out it will somehow give me the strength to hold myself together. I’m not ready to give you up just yet. Or ever.
Love,
Your Queen
I read her words over and over. So many times over the past few days that I didn’t really need to look down at the paper to see them scroll through my mind.
I finally saw myself through her eyes and it was nothing like what I’d been thinking. I wouldn’t lie, her words were like a lightning bolt to the heart. She was wrong, though. I didn’t see her as the mess she thought she was. She was beautiful and so strong even if she didn’t see it. She lost everything. Every-fucking-thing. And she never complained. She still held her head high. She found a way to crawl out of the hole that she’d been pushed down into.
To me, she was unbreakable.
She was my Queen because it didn’t matter how life had kicked her around and down, she still made her own throne. And she sat on it with all the grace of a woman that had everything.
I missed her.
Her smile.
Her laugh.
But I think I missed her fight the most.
Wherever she was, I hoped she still had it.
Sitting there on my bed flicking the edge of the paper back and forth with my finger, I tried to quell my anger. It had nearly been two weeks since I’d seen her. Two weeks she was God knew the fuck where. There was nothing. It was like she just vanished.
Cable searched the feeds from all the cameras just to make sure we didn’t miss a single thing. Maybe this person had been waiting around. But all he managed to find was footage of a car rolling by slowly right after she had started on her way. It killed me to watch her walk off, her shoulders clearly slumped in defeat. I had done that. I knew it even if I kept my mouth shut. And everyone watching right then knew it was because of me too. I’d been as forthcoming as possible about the situation, even if I hated myself.
The car was a late model Buick. Those old ones that were all hard edges and like a damn boat on wheels. Black. The windows had been tinted so dark that even if there had been more light I knew we still wouldn’t have been able to see who was behind the wheel. So in other words, we had jack shit. Couldn’t even get a license plate number.
I had been out every day checking in the dark corners of the city only to come home empty every night. I headed straight for my room and would then drink the night away. Alone, yes. Not that you had to even ask. But I wouldn’t even doubt how I must have looked in other people’s eyes. I was a fuck-up. A man that didn’t care about women. As long as she was naked in some way. And sure, that had once been me. But not anymore.
There was only one woman that clouded my head. One woman that would be able to satisfy my every need. Oh, and I wasn’t just talking sexually. Once you had a taste of royalty, there was no going back, that was for sure. And Laurel was my royalty. My motherfucking Queen. The only woman that I would ever bow down to. The very one that I would give my life for without a second thought.
A knock sounded at my door and after I called out, they pushed it open. Iron stood there, his eyes looking as tired as I felt.
I crunched forward and quickly folded the letter back up. I set it on my nightstand before I gave him my full attention. It didn’t slip by him that my other hand remained around the neck of a half-full bottle of Jack.
He let out a long breath as he sat in the seat in the corner of my room.
“Somethin’ ain’t sitting right with this,” he finally said. “What is it that we’re missing?”
“What if she’s not even here?” It came out more like a statement than a question and my eyes couldn’t look up to meet Iron’s. “What if she’s been moved out of the city? The state? Hell, the country?” I didn’t bother saying the other what if because it wasn’t even an option. She had to be alive. I refused to believe that this was the end for us.
“She’s here. Don’t ask me how I know that, just a gut feeling. But, I’ve also been around long enough in this life to know that you should always trust your gut.”
“I just keep thinking that there has to be some reason behind all of this. Then I ask myself if I’m being paranoid. It could have been random. Wrong place, wrong time type of thing. But what if it was her connection to me that got her snatched up?” And my connection to the club, but I didn’t need to say that.
“Yeah,” he said like he completely agreed. He leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees as his gaze went distant. “But who would it be? We’re good with the Russians and the Irish. Don’t have any problem with the Italians as long as we stay out of their way. I think we’ve done good on that so far. D13 don’t give a shit about us as long as we stay on our side of the line.”
He shook his head like there was something he couldn’t figure out. I was on the same page.
My phone chimed, ringing out almost too loudly in the room. It did nothing to break the tension that was hanging around. As I reached for it, I had this feeling of dread in my gut. I read the text message then looked up at Prez.
“Prospect says the manager is in Laurel’s place. Looks like he’s taking stuff out,” I said getting to my feet and ready to take off. Only as I stood, I realized I was too far gone to drive.
“I’ll drive. We’ll take one of the SUVs.” He patted me on the back as we made our way out of the room.
“The fuck do you think you’re doing?” I roared the moment I stumbled over the threshold to Laurel’s apartment. “This isn’t your fucking stuff. Get your goddamn hands off of it.”
“Look, man,” the skinny, dirty middle-aged man said holding up his hands in surrender. “This bitch ain’t been here in like two fuckin’ weeks. She’s late on her damn rent, again. The way I sees it, she couldn’t hack it and left. No rent, no place. I gotta make money, too.”
I took in a deep calming breath. Yeah, the loss of the apartment was nothing to cry over but that didn’t mean I didn’t care about her stuff. And though it wasn’t much, it was hers and I had been around to see how hard she worked just to keep that shit hole.
“Fine, but don’t you touch another fucking thing. We’ll have it cleared out tonight.” I stood tall and stared him down.
“Be my guest,” he said walking to the door. “I’m changing the locks first thing in the morning,” he said like he was trying to get one last jab in.
I didn’t even bother to tell him how shitty those locks were and that I could get in here if I damn well wanted to. It didn’t matter anyway because come morning, this place would be completely empty.
I didn’t need to fill Iron in, seeing as he was standing there in the doorway.
“I’ll get some more prospects over here. I’ll have them get a bunch of boxes,” he said pulling out his phone and putting it up to his ear a second later.
I didn’t wait around to see how long it was going to take. I walked over to the bed, swallowing down the lump in my fucking throat. As I snatched the sheets off the mattress, her scent swirled in the stale air around me. It hit me so damn hard and I could feel the moisture building up in my eyes. Which was stupid, really. Or was it? In a way, I almost couldn’t believe that it had taken me this long to crack.
There was so much weighing me down. I felt like I’d been doing everything I could just to crawl my way through every day. I guess all it took was being smack dab in the middle of where so many memories had been made. All those moments with her were here.
Tangled in the sheets talking.
Curled up on the couch eating.
Standing in the so-called kitchen area laughing.
I swore I could still hear that magical sound bouncing off the empty walls now. It was messing with my head.
“You okay, brother?” Iron said as he came back into the apartment and slapped me on the back.
I shook my head, trying my best to snap out of it.
“Yeah,” I said, my throat raw and my voice low.
“Mason is bringing a truck so we can load up the big stuff. We can store it in one of the empty rooms at the compound for now.”
“Sounds good. Thanks,” I choked out then finished stripping the bed.
With four prospects, Mason, Iron, Mouse, Ky, and myself, we were able to have the place packed up and cleared out in under two hours. To be fair, there wasn’t exactly that much there. But I wanted to make sure that I got everything. You just never knew what was important to someone. It could have been something as silly as a bottle of lotion. And I didn’t want to get her back and have that one item be the thing that set her over the edge.
We got back to the compound and unloaded everything into one of the empty rooms in the second building. I hated to see everything she owned reduced to a few pieces of furniture and a handful of boxes. I may not have been in her upscale condo more than twice, but I had seen all the fancy shit that filled that place up. I also saw all the shit she left behind. And all the things she didn’t even think twice about as she walked out of that condo for the last time.
And now there was only this. It didn’t seem like enough but Laurel never complained. I suddenly wondered if she would let me change that. If I had been straight up with her before and told her how I felt. If she had let me in. Would she even have let me take care of her as I truly wanted to do? None of that trying to be sneaky shit, showing up to her apartment with food claiming I had extra or a craving. I forever wondered if she saw through my act. And if she did, how hard was it for her to accept it. Maybe it helped that I told little white lies about it. Maybe that was just enough for her to feel okay.
But then I thought of her letter and it was clear that she knew. And she never said anything. She never stopped me. So maybe I had been placing imaginary roadblocks when I should have just been straight with her.
Sadly, none of that mattered right now. How much would she hate me because I cleared her apartment out? It would have been no problem for me to pay the rent. Hell, I could have paid the next year for her. And I would have too, without even batting an eye, but it wasn’t even worth it. I would find her somewhere that was more secure. Where I didn’t feel like shit for leaving her in the middle of the night. Where I didn’t have to scoot around drug deals going on in the hall just to get to her door.
A few more days went by and I was going out of my mind. I was ready to start tearing down doors. It didn’t matter whose. I was ready to go through everyone and everything just to find her.
“Need you to take care of a hand-off,” Iron said after he found me in my room. I was sober this time and wasn’t about to tell him no.
“Yeah,” I said getting to my feet.
“It’s with the Russians. They seem to feel more comfortable with you there. I guess because they see you more than the rest of us.”
That was true. Damn, I hadn’t been to the gym in a while. Maybe it was time to work out some of the shit I had going on. I could go crazy and find a big, scary Russian to spar with. That would surely distract me for a long while.
“Got it, Prez.”
“Two hours,” he said letting me know when I needed to be ready by. Like I didn’t know what was going on and all.
I had been there in the meetings. While things on my end were all over the place, it didn’t mean that my head was when it came to club business. I’d never let my Prez or brothers down, ever. Even if it cost me my last breath.
“Got it. I’ll be out front.”
He left as quickly as he’d come. He didn’t stand around watching for signs that I was about to crack. He knew I took club shit seriously and if I said I’d be there, then I for damn sure would be there one hundred percent ready.
Two hours later, we were riding over to the hideaway place in the middle of the shipping container death yard. This place was like a damn maze and I imagined if you didn’t know it as well as we did, you could easily get lost. This was the safest place to do business even though it was out in the open. If there was trouble, Cable would spot it coming. Also, Mouse and Tripp were tucked away with sniper rifles way up high on some stacked up containers. They knew how to stay hidden. Tripp may have been newly patched in but I trusted him.
And as far as Mouse went, that dude had been shooting most of his life. That was the one thing his pops could get away with, taking him off to the cabin under the guise of a manly hunting trip. Mouse’s mom wasn’t a huge fan of the club and didn’t like her little boy around it. Since his pops never wanted to push things, he kept the club members to a minimum when they went out to the cabin. The guy loved to spend time with his son so it was never a big deal if it was just the two of them. That time included teaching him everything that he knew. And Mouse, well, he soaked it all up and surpassed the master now.
Normally, I liked to be the one tucked away. But my face was needed here.
Pyotr showed up with Andrei right behind. No surprise there. Four more of his crew hung back but were on alert. Ya know, in that cool, laid-back way that didn’t look like they were. With their stupid sunglasses tinted so dark that you couldn’t see where their eyes were looking. But whatever. It wasn’t like we were going to do anything shady. There was a peace here on the coast. We all worked together and we sure as hell didn’t want to mess that up.
Andrei pinned me with a hard look for a flinch of a second. I stood tall, doing my best not to reveal anything. Sure the guy hardly ever spared a glance at me when I was at the gym, but I wasn’t dumb, I knew he noticed me. And he had probably taken note that I hadn’t been around in two or so weeks. I also knew that he wouldn’t say anything. So, I cocked up my brow and shifted my focus to Pyotr.
After we took the bags of money and handed over the right crates, Pyotr shook Knight’s hand.
I did admire the respect they held for us despite the fact that they sometimes acted like we were below them. Maybe that was it, the thing that rubbed me the wrong way. Though we were the ones that brought the shit in, checked it, and stored it until it was time, the Russians—mainly Pyotr—always had this air about them. Like we were there to do his bidding. At times, it almost seemed like he would rather be anywhere else than here with us. I got the same vibe whenever we had a sit down meeting with him. I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t figured it out before. But with that said, I still didn’t really think he’d dare cross that line and try to take us out. Or go behind our backs.
While we had made a mark in this city, we hadn’t really had a need to show our violent side so far. It was only a matter of time. We all knew it. You didn’t live this kind of life and only come out with Band-Aids covering tiny scrapes. But it wasn’t like we were the type to just throw around violence because we had something to prove. We liked for things to run smoothly. We hated to draw guns and throw down. Well, most of us. In a way, I saw it as smart. When we did get hit, people didn’t know what to expect. And that shit would be deadly. We wouldn’t lay the fuck down and take it. No, you hurt us and we fuck you up twice as bad.
While I saw it as an advantage, I could see where people like Pyotr saw it as a weak spot. He didn’t know the kind of damage we could cause, not really. Sure, he’d been around when we took down Savage which gave us the right to move down here and take over the docks. But I got the feeling like he thought all of us here on the coast were all the babies. The newbies. The ones that hadn’t been so hardened by club life just yet.
If he only knew…
Most of us had been there that night. We had been the ones on the front line of taking down the devil. I’d killed so many people that night that I’d lost count within the first five minutes I’d stepped in that place.
And I wouldn’t hesitate to do it again.