Drake drove straight to his home. The drive was silent except for the slow music buzzing on the radio. Once in a while Drake looked at Cody, and he smiled back at Drake. Drake put Cody’s hand on the gearshift, so he could hold him while driving. He pressed his soft palms every once in a while, and sought his attention, keeping him engaged so he didn't have time to think about all the nonsense. That vulnerable soul needed all of him.

“I am becoming depressed,” Cody spoke while Drake drove.

“Tell me something else,” Drake replied. “I know you are. I have never seen your eyes that silent before.”

But Cody didn’t reply. He had no words to say, no emotions to share. Perhaps his internal works were shattered, and he was scared of sharing his recent tragedy, and feared what would happen if Drake left him too. Though, he felt Drake was not like Max. They never met with that intention. Though, Drake knew Cody liked him more than normal liking. But he never committed to anything except giving him pleasure.

The journey wasn't long, but Cody’s thought-trail was. He recalled he never approached Drake for love, because he was hooked and satisfied with Max. He always arrived at Drake’s door to explore his darker side. He loved how Drake had made him feel loved, the exact reverse of Max. Still, there was something in Max which kept Cody hooked up to him. Max’s wildness was different to Drake’s. He sighed and relaxed deep into the seat, thinking he was comparing two bulls belonging to Cody, and that was wrong. Drake was just as good as Max in bed. But Drake was a better human than Max. ‘Maybe this will be as far I will ever know Drake?’

But every time Cody’s thoughts came round to comparing them in bed, Cody remembered, he never gave Drake the chance to explore their other sides either. It was his fault and not theirs. He should be accused of hurting himself, for feeling himself to be weak and vulnerable. Cursing at himself Cody breathed uneasily. “Did I do wrong falling in love with anyone?” he murmured slowly, but it didn’t go unheard by Drake.

“No. you shouldn't blame yourself for falling in love with anyone. It may happen the other person doesn’t love you back. That’s normal too. Because we have our own priorities and likes. But you liked someone, you fell for someone. That’s normal. I did too.”

“Who did you fall for?” Cody changed the topic. He smiled. His curious, teasing mind was overactive now.

Drake smirked about the sudden changed behavior. Although liking it, he remained silent. “I never fell like you did. Kept on falling for every handsome man.” A naughty smirk floated on Drake’s lips. He was not that bad at teasing too.

“I don’t fall for everyone. You know… I fell for only you two…” Cody sighed a very deep sigh. It was the first time admitting his love to Drake’s face.

“Who is the other one? I know one is me.” Drake grinned. His smile stretching wider. They had reached Drake’s apartment, stopping and parking the car. Drake looked at Cody. Both smiled.

“You know.” Cody hesitated in saying Max’s name. He wanted to forget everything about him. Even his name and the time spent with him. He looked out of the window.

“Cody, Hun, look at me. I know who he is, but I want to hear it through your lips.”

Suddenly tears flowed from Cody’s eyes, and he sobbed, “Why are you making me cry like this. I hate you and I hate him. You know this too.” He started bawling. “He… he just played with me…”

“Do you still think like this?” Drake spoke, holding Cody’s hands and making him look back at him. He forced Cody to stare into his eyes.

“What the heck should I know?” Hiccups stopped the rest of his words. “I have been played with… and everything is making me feel depressive…. Suicidal.”

“You are not gonna do anything like that. Never ever dare to think about it. I am always here.” Drake consoled, calming Cody. Cody forced a smile to his face and looked straight out of the glass pane. He forced himself not to cry, but hiccups and sudden sobs left his mouth. “Listen Cody, life is long…”

Cody pulled his hands from Drake's tight grip and slid away. Drake stared at him for some time before asking again. “Would you like to walk, or should I take you in my arms again?”

“I want to go home, please”

“I won't allow it. You can do anything ,else but you will be coming home with me…”

“I want to do that anything. Man, I want to. You are not understanding my situation, and keep giving me unnecessary advice.” Cody yelled in the car and attempted to open the door. But it was locked. Angrily, he stared at Drake. He thumped against the car door, and tried to open it again, assuming Drake would let him go. But he was wrong.

“I don’t want to buy another car. It’s quite expensive. You know, right? So don’t be a brat, otherwise I will be the brattiest.” Folding his sleeves up to his biceps, Drake showed how hard he worked out in the gym. “Let’s go inside.”

But Cody kept sitting in his place. He wasn’t threatened by Drake’s big muscles, as he had kissed them so many times. “I don’t want to go anywhere,” he cried.

“I understand. But it’s not anywhere, you know. It’s my house and you loved being there.” Drake got out of the car and went round to Cody’s side to help him out, holding him round the waist, he took him indoors.

 

 

---

 

 

Sitting high up from the ground, on the same balcony and on the same lounger, Cody stared at the mist coating the sky. The whiteness of the fog, thickly occupying the air, holding moist, chilliness, and the sudden breeze sending them down to dress. Cody shivered, small, icy flakes hidden in those foggy clouds, were harsher than the reality outside. He sat on the same lounger where he was fucked the few nights before, and the memories revived. He knew Drake was staring at him. He smiled, and stretched. Ignoring, fighting and accepting, the pathetic cold.

“Coffee?”

“Anything hard?”

“Coffee is best for you,”

“Not poison?”

“Don’t dare to even think about it.” Drake knelt on the floor. “You are overdoing things. It happens with everyone.”

“Why? Were you also played with and fucked up?” Cody yelled avoiding Drake’s gaze.

“No, I wasn’t.” Drake pouted. “But I know many… going through the same things… so I can console you, and can say it will pass.” Drake moved inside and returned with two cans of beer. Cody grasped one, and Drake gulped the other, sitting on the same lounger. Cody shifted his leg to accommodate Drake. He liked Drake’s extra-caring attitude. He always needed it from him. The pampering and someone taking care of his feelings, but not today.

The breeze gusted harder, and both shivered. Drake put his hand over Cody’s thighs, “Let’s move inside. You might not bear the cold out here.”

Sighing deeply, Cody remained silent. His body shivered, resisting the wafting breeze. Teeth chattering, bones aching, making his nose red. But he didn’t move. He didn’t reach for Drake’s touch. “I want this breeze to make me feel things again. I want to feel how cold this city can be. And how much it can play with me.”

Putting the can down on the floor, Drake moved inside and brought out a moveable fire pit. Once the wood in it was burning, crammed under more dried, chopped wood, Cody looked warily at it, and guessed Drake had got the burning wood from his fireplace inside. All of a sudden, the climate changed, warmth fought back against the chilly gusts, and light illuminated the space. Mist was evaporating over the fire and the embers flew high. Drake came back, holding his beer, and saw Cody was still crying.

Burning fire cleared the tears flowing silently down his cheeks. Embers reflected in them, and Drake gaped. “Hun, let it go.”

“I am not holding it.” Cody looked at Drake. He smiled and a line of tears distorted on each of his cheeks. “I let it go on the same day I found him kissing someone else… but I also want to hold on to it… I think I am stuck, in between moving on from the non-relationship… or I am drowning deep into a depression… I feel like I don’t want to talk, and a strange mood is coming on. I am dying internally, my heart has been pierced with several Black Locust’s thorns… sieving it and blood bleeding out of the fissures, collecting in my bones… freezing into the marrow, and rupturing it from within.”

“Quite imaginative,” Drake grinned. “I cannot let you go like this.” Lifting Cody into his arms, Drake took him into his bedroom. Cody neither resisted nor helped. He let Drake do whatever he desired. They moved inside. Cody found the room was already warm, the fire was burning. Drake had lit it when he came inside.

Drake was always a sweet caretaker, and Cody missed it. Drake knew how to make someone his without speaking. His deeds were always seducing. Including his meaningless smile. “Give me some more time. This suit is itching me something chronic.” Drake smiled, winked, and walked into the kitchen. Cody could hear Drake doing something, perhaps getting dinner on, and he returned after twenty minutes with a tray on which everything was covered. Smiling, he placed the tray on the side table, then sliding another table across from the other side of the room, he placed there two more beer bottles, water bottles and glasses. “I feel we may have to talk all night, so we need something to eat all night too, right?” He smiled and blew a kiss.

Cody just loved how Drake ignored his sadness, because Cody knew he was wrong. Max was wrong too, but… Cody didn’t think any more as Drake lifted one of the covers, and the aroma of freshly grilled chicken in a cooked spices drifted into his senses. He wanted to be sad, but Drake wasn't allowing it. He smiled and Drake smiled back. Drake lifted another cover and there were mushrooms cooked in a thick gravy, and another bowl had steamed rice. “I have ordered bread… I am not good with that.” Drake sat beside Cody. “Would you like to have something else? I am not good at joining sobbing and crying over a jerk. I prefer eating all night, comedy movies, and some good sex. You can join me in either… if you want.” Drake looked at Cody’s smiling face.

Cody wasn't happy internally, but Drake’s efforts made a smile come to his face. “Good guy,” Drake patted his cheeks. “Now I am going for a quick bath, would you like to join me?” Cody shook his head no, smiling. “Oh! I could have cheered you… anyway you can ravish this grilled chicken until I return for more.” Winking, Drake went into his bathroom.

Cody guessed what Drake’s “for more” meant. He didn’t want it, but he did want it too. So much dithering, aching, and crying. He desperately needed a dirty mindfuck if not the relaxing body-fuck , or perhaps he was that confused in his heartache, he didn't know what he needed. But something on the lines of a fuck. Perhaps, a deep hard, soul fucking, fucking, so he could sleep. His last night was spent in hiccupping and sobbing. ‘I need something like that…’ his mind yelled to himself.

While Cody was swinging back and forth with his demands and desires, Drake came out of the bathroom, and Cody’s mind was fucked. As usual, the damn personality was dressed in red, mid-rise briefs and an open, knee-length, warm night coat. He gasped the air within for some time until Drake smiled at him and walked to the dressing table. Masculine cologne, gel in the hair, and some body lotion on his skin. Cody silently watched a handsome man grooming for a night of passion.

“Don’t think you will get an opportunity with me?” Cody teased and smiled.

“I will make an opportunity for myself.” Drake winked. “Thank god! You smiled… despite seeing me naked.”

“You are naked at my back…?” Cody laughed. “Listen, don’t you dare to make me laugh. I am sad and do not want to be angry at some people, clear?” he barked in his innocent voice.

“Got it, Sir,” Drake said laughing. He didn’t bother to turn and look at Cody. He was happy because Cody was in a lighter mood. Returning, he took a plate of grilled chicken with sauces and walked back to the bed, slipping under the blankets, nearer to Cody, he started putting chicken pieces, one-by-one, into his mouth. “I think you need to try them.” Offering a plate to Cody, he kept eating.

Cody looked for a while at Drake, and then got one piece of it. It was yummy. Drake was a great cook. Since the morning Cody hadn’t eaten anything sufficient, and this tasty dinner whetted his appetite. He took another plate, a can of beer and ignoring Drake, he boozed and ate.

“I hope you won't drink too much.”

“I never do.”

And they giggled about Cody’s statement. He always overdid it. They put the plate on the side-table, and kept sitting for some time, until Drake put on the TV. He kept changing the channels until he found Cody had slipped back under the blanket. Drake didn’t like a moony attitude. He snuggled under the blanket beside him. “Talk to me.”

After being silent for some time, Cody tossed to his side, “I am not able to forgive myself for falling for him. And sleeping and fucking all night like we did.”

“But you enjoyed that part of your life, didn’t you?” Cody nodded, sighing at Drake. “So take it as a no-strings-attached relationship. Forget the middle part… you cannot forget everything.” He patted at Cody’s cheeks.

“But…”

“Cody… I understand that. I wish there were magic words, but… there aren’t,”

“I feel like the rejection is killing me,”

“You shouldn't think on those lines either. I wish I could help, but I haven't come up with anything to help myself, much less another person suffering. I keep telling myself just one more day. Maybe we look at life in small blocks of time, instead of trying to deal with the whole shit show. I don't know - if I had answers, I wouldn't be feeling the pain.”

“You don’t look dejected, depressed?”

“No. I don’t. Because I have mastered the art of overcoming treachery,” Drake smiled, and leaning in, he kissed Cody’s cheek.

“Drake…I want to die…” There was something more Cody wanted to say, but his mouth was now pursed closed.

“You said you were fighting depression - me too. It's been off and on most of my life - sometimes a lot darker than others. Right now, it's really dark, seeing you in a dark place too. I've never understood how anybody could, or would, consider suicide as a solution, but this past Sunday, sitting in church of all places, I let the possibility of suicide being a solution creep into my head. It sucks to feel this way and it pisses me off. I know better, but it's still there. I don't have a clue what I'm doing right now - I just feel like reaching out with a hug. If I can do anything to help keep your head above water, let me know. Stay strong.”

“I never knew you were fighting this too, or why?”

“Long story. I don’t want you to be drawn into my melancholy. But, I keep myself engaged in other stuff...”

“Like, flirting… and nights with sexy souls like me…”

Cody smiled, and Drake rubbed his thumb lightly over Cody’s lips. Slowly, Drake slipped nearer and his hands slid inside of Cody’s t-shirt. Unresisting, Cody let Drake take control of him as usual. And one by one, Drake slipped off all his clothes and he covered Cody with his body. Kissing and making him moan, forgetting every tragedy of his life.

After a few kisses Cody pleaded, “Drake, fuck me hard, and fuck the shit, depression, frustration, everything out of me.” He held Drake’s face in his palms.

“I will. I will make you feel relaxed and owned.”

Relaxed, body and soul, Cody had gone silent. He huffed, puffed, and threw away all his frustration into the ether.

And they had the best night of their lives. Later Cody slept, holding Drake in his embrace.