NUMB. ALL I felt the next several days was numb. I went through the motions of getting up, going about my day, and fighting to hold myself together for the sake of my sons, but I was barely hanging on. Trevor worked, a lot. He’d come home and attempt to comfort me each night, but I could tell that he really didn’t know what to say to me. I’d catch him staring every once in a while, but words never came. He’d sigh and suggest we go to bed.
Ken’s birthday was Saturday. I had planned a huge party at the house for all the family. Morgan and Taylor were coming with their kids. Tyler and Mia were coming, and a few of the neighbors. Ken had relented his wish for something small and invited a bunch of his friends. I think the baseball team and several classmates were coming. I’d spent the week in planning mode, and it helped keep me busy. If I stopped, I knew I’d break down and I’ve cried enough over the last three days to fill a lake.
“You know you don’t have to do this,” Trevor murmured as he stood beside me. I was decorating Ken’s cake, something I’ve done for both boys since they were babies.
“I’m fine,” I brushed him off. I didn’t want to talk about it right now. I’d talked enough. I was trying to move on. If I didn’t, I’d start sobbing again and I knew that if I started I’d never stop.
“Shar,” he placed his hand on my shoulder, causing me to pause.
My eyes slowly closed as I took a deep breath before turning my head in his direction, “I’m fine.” I felt them well with tears, but I sucked them back and forced a small smile.
“Ok,” he nodded. “What can I do to help?”
“Get the chairs from downstairs and set them up in the family room,” I swung my head to the side. “People are going to be here in a few hours.”
“On it,” he turned and left me there.
I finished icing the cake before moving it to another counter and beginning to clean up. After getting the kitchen back in order, I called and ordered the pizza, sent Ken to get ice for the drinks, and directed Mikey to shovel off the front steps. I made my way to my room to get dressed, hoping I’d be presentable before the first guest arrived.
I was doing well holding it together until I started getting dressed. Nothing fit like it should. I hadn’t been far enough along to be showing yet, but my regular clothes had been getting tight. I’d been surviving on sweatpants and leggings for the last few weeks. When I attempted to put on a pair of jeans, I couldn’t get them buttoned. I didn’t want to wear something that I’d worn while pregnant. Just the idea of it made me tear up. I stood there in the middle of my closet half-dressed when Trevor found me.
“Sharron?” he called as he slowly pushed open the door. “Ty and Mia just pulled up…” his voice trailed off when he saw me standing there. “Baby, what’s wrong?”
“I don’t have anything to wear,” I cried as I turned around. “Nothing fits right!” I had a pair of jeans balled in my hands, and I threw them angrily on the floor.
“Honey,” his eyes were sad as he moved closer. “This is normal. You remember after the boys what it was like for the first couple of weeks.”
“This isn’t the same. It shouldn’t be like this,” I shook my head as I ground my teeth together.
“Here,” he reached around me and grabbed a pair of black leggings. “Put these on with the red sweater that you bought for Valentine’s Day. It’ll look nice.”
“I’m sorry,” the tears I’d been fighting finally broke free and began their slow descent down my cheeks.
“Nothing to be sorry about. I love you,” he wrapped his arms around me in a giant hug and held me to his chest. “Do you want me to take care of our guests? I’ll tell them you’re not feeling well. You can just stay here.”
“No, I’m coming,” I wiped at my eyes as I tried to smile. I knew he meant well, but I needed to be around people today. I needed to be around my other children and think about what I had, not what I lost.
“I’ll see you out there then,” he tipped his head toward the door. “You take your time and come out when you’re ready.”
I MANAGED TO keep myself together for the party despite everyone telling me how sorry they were. Morgan was really the only one who didn’t say anything. I think she understood more than most and knew that telling me she was sorry wasn’t going to really help. After all, she’d grieved the loss of a child before and could somewhat relate. We’d bonded even more so over it all a few days ago. Everyone else seemed to think that talking about it was what was best for me. I’d had to just walk away from some conversations. I couldn’t figure out why anyone would think that cornering me was a good thing.
Trevor stayed with the guys most of the afternoon. I thought they were talking about sports or something, and it angered me. I tried to not let it, but the idea that Trevor could laugh and joke with his brothers just days after all this happened made me mad at him. Why didn’t he hurt like me, and how could he just brush everything aside?
At one point he rounded the corner of the kitchen laughing. It wasn’t a small one either. No, it was a giant belly laugh. His eyes connected with mine, and he stopped immediately. It just died right there in the air when he saw me. Part of me was happy that he noticed and the other part felt bad that I brought him down from that place. I was such a mess on the inside, that I was affecting everyone around me. I didn’t want the pity, but I also wanted to grieve. Whenever I felt a smile tug at my lips, guilt rushed in and crushed it. How could I be happy when my baby died? Then I’d turn and see Ken watching me. He’d have this lost little boy look like he got when he was just a little guy. I’d see him staring, and I’d remember, this day was about him. I shouldn’t make him feel bad, so then I’d smile. The smile would bring the guilt back and the whole cycle would start all over again. I couldn’t win, and after doing this for a few hours all I wanted was for everyone to leave.
Evening brought with it anger. I was mad at the world at this point. I’d spent the entire day upset. I’d tried to be normal, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t go on like nothing was wrong. I’d tried and failed.
When Trevor came in whistling after telling our last guest goodbye, I unleashed on him.
AS THE SUN began set, the last of our guests left. My brothers being among the final four. Taylor and Morgan had said their goodbyes, and now I was making promises to get together with Ty once things calmed down around here. He’d said something funny, and I couldn’t help but laugh. It felt good to laugh. I can’t tell you the last time I did. It’s been days, that much I know. I didn’t even think about it really as I turned to go back in the house. When I stepped into the kitchen half chuckling half whistling, Sharron was at the sink washing dishes. Her back stiffened when she heard me, but she didn’t stop what she was doing.
“Did you have a good day?” her voice sounded of saccharin and I knew what it meant…she was pissed. I didn’t know right then that it would be me she was upset with, but something had been festering in her for a while it seemed.
“It was ok, I guess,” I stumbled to a stop and just watched her.
“That’s good,” she nodded as she scrubbed the dish she was washing for the third time.
“Are you ok?” I took a few steps forward and came to an abrupt halt when she chuckled under her breath.
“Am I ok,” she repeated the words. “Am I ok!?” she paused before she released the dish, turned to face me, and fisted her soapy hands at her sides. “I’m fucking peachy keen!” she growled. I just stared as I watched her get more upset by the second. I didn’t know what I’d done to deserve this wrath at the moment, and I was afraid I’d upset her more if I said anything so I just stood there staring. She stalked over to me and froze mere inches from me before shaking her head. “My baby died and I just hosted a party! I had people asking me all day how I was,” she started to pace and would stop every few steps to growl. “I smiled. I hugged. I did everything I was supposed to do. I looked perfect on the outside while I was breaking on the inside. I didn’t cry in front of people once!” she glared at me. “All I want to do is cry all the time,” the tears came at this point, angry ones and she huffed as she wiped at them. “You were out there laughing!” she jabbed her finger in the air. “You were laughing and our baby died!”
I stumbled back a few steps as her words hit me right across my face. Did she not think I was hurting too? “That’s not fair,” I volleyed back. “I told you this party was a bad idea but you wanted to do it anyway. I told you we needed time to heal. I was trying to be a good host. That was my brother out there!” I pointed to the door I’d come from. “I lost this baby too! I hurt too! You think you’re the only one that’s suffering here? You think I don’t feel broken too?” I pressed my lips together as her mouth dropped open. I’d cut her with the words I’d said, but she needed to hear them. My brothers have been telling me since it all happened that I needed to tell her how I felt. She’s been going through all this like it only affected her. She hasn’t once asked me how I felt, if I was ok. This whole thing should be something that we heal from together, but she doesn’t want that. She wants to hide away and go at it alone.
“I’m sorry,” I reached out as I stepped forward. The look of pain was clearly displayed on her face.
She shook her head at me. “No,” she backed up.
“Shar,” I sighed and attempted to get close enough to pull her into my arms.
“I can’t…” she turned and ran towards our bedroom. She ran away from me as fast as she could.
“Shar!” I called out as I rushed after her. “We need to talk about this.” The bedroom door slammed right before I reached it, and when my hand wrapped around the knob I heard the lock click.
“I need you to leave me alone right now, please,” she begged quietly from the other side of the wood.
“We need to talk about this,” I let my forehead rest against the door.
“I can’t talk to you right now,” she murmured, and then the light that had been shining under the door went out.
“This is all my fault,” a voice startled me, causing me to look down the hall and see the last person that needed to hear any of this…my son.