AS I SAT in the waiting room at my doctor’s office, I couldn’t help but be nervous. It had been eleven years since I’d been here in this condition. We’d been trying for a year to get pregnant and now that it had finally happened, I was praying that it was all real. I’d heard of false positives before and I wasn’t feeling pregnant yet. My knee bounced as I tried valiantly to read the magazine in my hands. The office was rather empty, and when I’d glance at the soft green walls they seemed to be closing in on me. I’d asked Trevor to come with me today, but he couldn’t. He’d given two of his deputies the day off, so he had to cover and then he had a court appearance in the afternoon. I was used to doing things on my own, but it still stung a little.
When I was pregnant with Ken, Trevor came to everything. He was at every appointment, and once Ken was born he came to his check-ups with the pediatrician too. Once Mikey came along, things changed. Trevor’s always been a great dad, but he was less involved with Mikey.
“Sharron?” the door that led to the examine rooms opened and a nurse peeked out. I set the magazine aside, took a few deep breaths, and stood to follow her. When I stepped through the door, a cool breeze blew over me, causing me to shiver. I didn’t know what it was about doctors’ offices, but they were always freezing. “Right in here,” she motioned to the bathroom. “There are cups on the counter. Just place it in the window when you’re finished and then meet me in room two.” She turned the light on, and then closed the door, leaving me in the bathroom.
After taking care of business, I washed my hands and met her around the corner. She was hunched over the counter writing something in my file, but smiled and glanced up when I entered. “You can leave your purse right there. We’re going to step over here and get a weight.” My shoulders dropped as I followed her. Nervous energy zinged through me. I wanted them to do the test. I didn’t want to wait, and knowing that I’d have answers soon made it worse.
“So, how have you been feeling,” she smiled as she maneuvered the slides on the scale.
“Ok, I guess,” I murmured as I attempted to stand still. I’d been fidgeting so much today that standing still was a chore.
“Any morning sickness yet?” she jotted down my weight and then stepped back to let me pass her on our way back to the room.
“Nope. I think I’m pretty early. It’s just that, well, we’ve been trying so hard and I hope that the home test was right,” I twisted my fingers together as she closed the door to the room.
“Relax,” she soothed. “The doctor will be in soon.” She smiled at me before gathering the folder and stepping out of the room.
I took another deep breath as I climbed up on the examining table. I stared at the wall for a few minutes, then began scanning all the signs and posters hanging around the room. It was a nervous habit that I used to pass the time. Anytime I had to wait anywhere, I would read… anything. I found myself reading labels sometimes just to pass the time. Diagrams of childbirth and pregnancy littered the walls and cabinets, and then lists of tests that could be performed during pregnancy covered the back of the door. I should have ignored those, but I couldn’t. The idea that something could go wrong filled my head, and I wrapped my arms around my stomach, already ready to protect my baby.
A light knock on the door caused me to jump slightly as it slowly opened and Dr. Andrews stuck his head in. “Good morning, Sharron,” he smiled as he slipped into the room with the same nurse behind him. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m good,” I bit my lip as my legs began to subconsciously swing from the table.
“Eating ok, sleep?” he lowered himself onto the stool as the nurse stood beside him and handed over the small dial used to calculate due dates. My eyes lit up as I watched him. “Well, congratulations. You’re gonna have a baby,” he smiled as he took the dial and began spinning it in his hand. “This little peanut is going to make his appearance around September fifteenth based on my calculations.”
“Really? So the test was right?” I placed my hands on the edge of the table by my thighs and gripped the edge so tightly my knuckles turned white.
“Really,” he nodded. “The baby’s fine. We do need to set up some bloodwork, and an appointment for a full physical, but otherwise you’re doing great.” He slowly stood and came over to shake my hand. “Congrats. Suzie here can set you up on the schedule. I’ll see you back in a week or so,” he moved over to the door and stepped out, leaving me there alone once again.
As everything slowly sunk in, I stood and made my way out to the sign-in desk to schedule my next appointment. My smile was so big my face hurt. I’d already gone through the news of being pregnant, but this made it real. This was when everything really clicked, and I could breathe a sigh of relief. Suzie was waiting for me when I approached and handed me the card before letting me know that I could go to the office directly above them to have my blood drawn. Even though that wasn’t something that I really wanted to do at the moment, I nodded in agreement. You see, Cherryville is such a small town that I have to drive a half hour to the neighboring city to see my doctor, and I didn’t want to have to come back the next day when I could get this taken care of now.
It took only a short while to have my bloodwork done, and then I was on my way home. Snow was coming down heavy today, and the drive seemed to take twice as long as it should have. When I finally got there, Mikey was in his usual spot doing his homework, with no sign of Ken. “Where’s your brother?” I hung my coat on the hook by the door, and began pulling my boots off.
“Studying with Beth,” his face twisted in disgust.
“Oh really?” I laughed.
“Yeah. They’re not studying though, Mom. Not unless he’s trying to figure out how long he can go without breathing. It’s disgusting,” he shuddered before going back to the paper he was working on.
“That’s good to know,” I mused as I made a mental note to talk to Trevor about having a talk with our oldest. Ken knew the ins and outs of sex. He was sixteen after all, but that didn’t mean that I was ok with him trying to have it. I knew meeting a girl and wanting to explore things was only natural, but if Beth was my daughter I wouldn’t be ok with a boy mauling her. As if he knew we were talking about him, in walked Ken with Beth trailing behind him.
“We can study in my room,” he muttered over his shoulder when he saw Mikey sitting at the table.
“You most certainly cannot,” I narrowed my eyes on him. “No girls in your room. You know the rules. You can go in the family room if you don’t want to be in here,” I suggested.
“Mom!” Ken rolled his eyes as his cheeks began to turn red. “We need it to be quiet.”
“Your father’s at work, I’m in here and so is Mikey. No one will bother you,” I tipped my head toward the door. You can go to the library if this is a problem.”
“Fine,” he grumbled as he turned toward the family room. “Come on, Beth. We’ll study in here I guess,” he sighed as he slung his backpack higher and shuffled out of the room. I wasn’t naïve enough to think that Ken was perfect, or that nothing was happening here, but I had no plan to help him out.
I remember the days when Trevor and I would sneak down to the creek, or he’d come over when my parents weren’t home. On warm nights we’d go to the orchard or one of the many fields in the area. Cherryville had a lot of farmland around it. It was easy to find privacy when the weather was nice. Once winter came, all that changed. Snow blanketed the area, and if you went too far out into the countryside, you ran the risk of getting stuck somewhere. If you had to call someone to pull you out, they knew exactly what you were doing when they got there. I should know. It happened to me.
“This isn’t gonna work. Just call your dad,” I sighed as I stood there in the freezing cold, arms wrapped around me, holding the flashlight as Trevor fumbled around under the hood of his car. It was winter break, and we’d gone to the movies as an escape to be alone. At seventeen you didn’t get much privacy, and Trevor and I had been fighting for alone time ever since his parents caught us making out in the driveway at his house.
After the movie had finished, he’d brought me to this little spot we’d found over the summer. We were making out, steaming up the windows and using our body heat to keep warm, but as time got later I knew we needed to head back. “I’m not calling my dad. He’s gonna know what we were doing,” Trevor grumbled.
“We’re going to college next year, Trev. I’m sure they know what we’re doing,” I shivered as I pulled my coat tighter around me.
“Well, I don’t think they want it thrown in their faces,” he fiddled with something else before pointing to the door. “Try to crank it now,” he motioned to me. I trudged around and climbed in, squeaking when the cold vinyl singed through my jeans before turning the key. The car made a clicking sound before the engine fought to turn over, but nothing happened.
“Damn it!” Trevor pushed his hands through his hair.
“Call your dad,” I tried again. “We’re gonna be here all night.”
“Shar,” he warned as he leaned back down. “I can fix this.”
We were there another hour before he finally gave up and called his parents, and he was right. When his dad pulled up in the pickup truck with a chain and some flashing lights, he shook his head at us.
We didn’t sneak out there anymore, and six months later I found out I was pregnant with Ken. Trevor was having that talk with him tonight. I was not going to be that parent. Trevor and I have known each other since we were kids, getting married was inevitable, but not at eighteen. I’ve been happy, but every once in a while, I wonder what my life would have been like if I’d waited to start a family. Kenneth and Michael have been my life, and now this little one would be too, but what if we had waited and she had been first? Would I have gone away to school? Would I be this happy, or desperate to have this baby? Would Trevor have followed his dreams and left behind the small town of Cherryville, or would we be right here doing this exact same thing? I wanted more for my kids, and Ken had a future in baseball. I didn’t want him giving that up for a girl.