IT’S AMAZING HOW a single moment can define your future. One little second or a series of them pulls you into a reality that you didn’t think was possible. You close your eyes and when you open them, your entire world is forever changed.
It was early February, the tenth to be exact. Winter was in full swing, and Ken had been preparing for baseball season. Trevor had been more attentive, and was supposed to come with me for my next OB appointment. The baby was now thirteen weeks, and we were going to hear its heartbeat for the first time. When I went last month, the nurse tried, but we couldn’t get a good read. Now, I was far enough along that they could listen from my stomach.
Excited didn’t even touch what I was feeling. I spent the days before looking for anything to keep busy. I cleaned our house from top to bottom, and when I finished I went to bug Morgan. She kept me busy, and as the day for my exam moved closer, so did Ken’s birthday. He was turning seventeen and despite demanding that I not throw a party, I was in planning mode. I knew that soon enough he would be gone to college, and I wanted to grasp these moments as much as I could. He was still my little boy, and I couldn’t help but grin as I searched cake ideas on Pinterest.
When I climbed into bed that night, everything was right for the moment. When it happened, I didn’t even know what it was. I awoke with a pain in my side. At first I assumed it was from the position I was laying in. With Mikey’s pregnancy, I always had to be on my side. This baby seemed to like that too. I slowly sat up holding onto my stomach as I shuffled to the bathroom. The pain was a mix of needing to go, and a muscle pull. When I came back to bed, I curled into Trevor and fought to go back to sleep. After an hour or so, the pain subsided, and I fell back to sleep.
When I woke up the next morning, everything was fine. I felt fine, and my day went as planned. I mentioned to Trevor that I’d had a stomach ache the night before, but since I felt better and had an appointment the next day, he didn’t think I should worry. I told him I was going to mention it to my doctor and see what he said.
I WAS SMILING when I stepped over the threshold of Dr. Andrews’ office. A gas fireplace in one corner was roaring, and there was a little bounce in my step over what the day meant. Gina, one of the nurses, waved at me as I settled into a chair. I was in such a good mood, that the fact that I was alone at the appointment didn’t even phase me. Trevor had called from his office that morning saying he wasn’t able to get away. I could tell he felt terrible about it, but I understood. I’d done this before, so I knew what to expect. It should have been routine.
When I was called back to the exam room, I was all smiles. I quickly changed into a gown, and settled myself on the table. I fidgeted as I waited, but the wait wasn’t long. Dr. Andrews breezed in with my file and his clipboard. He settled himself on the stool near my knees and smiled as he folded his hands together.
“How are you feeling?” his head tipped to the side as he appraised me.
“Great, actually. Hardly any morning sickness at all,” I shrugged as my legs swung in front of me. Dr. Andrews wrote a few things in my chart before he looked back up. “I did want to ask you. A few nights ago I had some cramps. No bleeding or anything and they went away, but it was odd. I never had these with my other pregnancies.”
“How long did they last?” his brow furrowed.
“About an hour,” I lifted one shoulder as I started looking around the room. Something was off, but I didn’t know what. I could feel it in the air. He was hiding something from me.
“I know you came for a checkup, but I’d like to do an ultrasound today. We’ll make sure everything is ok, and we can hear the heart that way too,” he smiled softly as he patted my knee. “Gina will be back in a few minutes to get you set up in that room.”
“Ok,” I nodded as he slipped out the door. My heart rate spiked with nervous excitement as I waited. Not only was I going to hear my baby’s heartbeat, but now I was going to get to see her too.
It only took a few minutes to get settled in the room down the hall before Dr. Andrews was back. The room was dimly lit with only the monitor from the ultrasound machine and a few dimmed overhead lights. I settled back on the table as Dr. Andrews powered up the machine.
“Will have to do this as a transvaginal ultrasound since you’re so early. The baby’s too small to see from the outside,” he clicked a few buttons. “Ready?”
I nodded and when the wand pushed into me I couldn’t help but jump a little. It was cold, and I was nervous. Dr. Andrews twisted the wand in different directions as he made clicking noises on the screen. It didn’t even dawn on me that there was no sound.
“Can you see it?” I smiled. “Can you see my baby?” I craned my neck as I struggled to lift my head and see around the way the screen was turned.
“Yes,” he answered solemnly. He turned the screen so I could see what he was looking at. “I’m sorry,” he sighed. “There’s no heartbeat.”
“What?” I mumbled. I didn’t understand what he was saying. I did, but I knew they couldn’t be right. I was hearing him wrong.
“This is the egg sack,” he pointed to a giant bubble on the screen. “This is the embryo. It’s not growing. I’m sorry.”
“So the other night. The pain…” I trailed off as shock settled over me. I couldn’t react yet. I was still processing the news.
“You were miscarrying, Sharron,” he pulled the wand from inside me and turned the monitor off.
“But I didn’t bleed any,” I muttered.
“Sometimes the body doesn’t get rid of everything when it should. Your system should start purging itself in the next few days. If it doesn’t, call me and we’ll set up a D and C. I’m sorry,” with that, he turned and left the room.
I stood and shuffled back to where I’d left my clothes and numbly dressed. Shock settled over every part of me. I went through the motions, but suddenly all I wanted to do was escape. The pictures of babies on the walls made me angry, and when I breezed through the waiting room all the things that had me smiling minutes before made me want to scream. Women with round bellies that had no idea what just happened to me stared back as I signed out and rushed to my car. I needed to get away. I knew I’d lose it soon, and I didn’t want to be there when it happened.
As I started my car, I dialed the only person who I thought would understand… my husband. “Hello?” Trevor’s voice was cheerful on the other end. I sniffed as tried to hold back the tears. I probably shouldn’t have been driving, but I wanted to get home. “Hello? Shar?” he sounded worried. “What’s wrong? Are you ok?”
“No,” I whimpered and the floodgates blew open as my emotions poured out of me. “The baby,” I gasped.
“What? What about the baby? Shar?” I could hear him moving around in the background and as much as I wanted to tell him everything, I couldn’t make the words come out.
“It didn’t have. A. Heartbeat,” I cried. I cried so hard my vision blurred and as I pulled into my driveway and cut the engine, I slowly went from sobbing into full on hysterics.
“What? Are you at home? I’m coming home,” I heard his keys jingling. “I’ll be there in ten minutes.” The line went dead, and I dropped my phone onto the passenger seat of my car before leaning forward and resting my head against the steering wheel. The tears came streaming down my face as I cried for my baby. I’d loved her since the stick first turned pink, and now I’d lost her. February 10th would forever be ingrained in my head as a day of loss.
WHEN SHARRON CALLED I had expected to hear her cheery voice on the other end of the line scolding me for missing her appointment, but understanding that I couldn’t help it. Sometimes work got in the way. Hearing her crying was the last thing that I expected. I knew I needed to get home, so I grabbed my keys and left. I had enough deputies working that the town would survive a few hours without me.
I rushed home to find her still in her car. Her head was bent and her shoulders shook with sobs. I stood there beside the car at a loss for words. I didn’t know how to react. I wanted to comfort her, but I was speechless. I knew that even though this affected me, it wasn’t the same. I hadn’t been the one with a life inside me that was suddenly taken away.
“Shar?” I opened her door and gently touched her shoulder. Her head lifted as her eyes met mine. They were red and puffy and her lip quivered as she blinked up at me.
“It’s all my fault,” she cried. “The other night. I should have called the doctor. I could’ve stopped this.”
“This isn’t your fault,” I shook my head as I reached for her hand. “Let’s go inside.” She nodded as she let me pull her from the car. Her body never seemed so small as it did that afternoon. She leaned into me as I guided her inside and down the hall.
When we stepped into the bedroom, she stood there numbly staring blankly into the bathroom. I nudged her toward the bed and encouraged her to sit. After pulling her shoes from her feet, I kicked mine off and sat down beside her. “Come here,” I laid down and opened my arms. She laid down with me and curled on her side before burying her face in my chest. As I rubbed her back and hugged her tighter, she began crying again. I felt terrible. I didn’t know what to say, or how to take her pain away. I knew that it would eventually fade, but after everything we’ve endured over having another child I didn’t think our lives could get any harder. “It’s going to be ok,” I whispered as I pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “I promise. It’ll be ok. This wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong.” I hugged her tighter as her body shook with sobs until she finally succumbed to sleep.