WHEN TREVOR SHOWED up the house the next week, I wasn’t surprised. He’d told me he’d made an appointment for me with someone Ty had recommended. I really didn’t see the point in all this, but I’d told him I’d give it a chance so I owed him that. He was smiling when he climbed out of the car and bounded up the front steps. He was dressed in a pair of shorts and a golf shirt. I tried really hard to feel something other than annoyance and sadness when he smiled at me, but I failed. It felt as if I were just going through the motions to satisfy him.
He'd planned some weekend, and wouldn’t share the details, another thing I promised I’d try. I’d packed a bag with several spring dresses and was waiting on the porch swing when he arrived.
“All set?” he smiled at me as he reached for my bag. Ever the gentleman, he held out his hand for me to take.
“Sure,” I lifted one shoulder and murmured.
“This is gonna be good for us. You’ll see,” he grinned as he led me to the car. He opened my door, before walking around to the back and placing my bag in the trunk. “It’s only gonna take about twenty minutes to get to Dr. Marlow’s office. I thought I’d just grab a coffee while you go to your appointment,” he started the car and I stared out the window. I wasn’t trying to blow him off or be rude, but I didn’t feel like talking. I was going to do enough talking at this appointment. Right now all I wanted was peace and quiet.
As we drove out of town, I watched our small town disappear to be replaced with open highway. Cherryville had always been like a wide spot in the road. We were isolated, and the people that lived here liked it that way. Development stayed away and helped keep us frozen in time. I rarely left since I was in high school. I had dreams of going away to school, making a difference, but I couldn’t. Before my life even started, it got derailed. I found out I was pregnant with Ken right at the beginning of senior year, and Trev and I got married. My dreams of going to college changed to raising a baby, but we were in love. It didn’t matter back then, but the more I watch my son spread his wings, the more I wish I’d had that chance.
“We’re here,” Trevor nudged my side as he pulled into a parking space. A small white building stood in front of us. It looked like an old house that had been converted into offices. “I’ll meet you back here in an hour,” he smiled as I opened the door. I nodded before climbing out and leaving the safe confines of the car. Trevor stayed parked until I slipped through the door. As the small bell over the doorway chimed, he pulled out and turned down the street.
“Dr. Marlow will be with you in a moment. Have a seat,” a young woman pointed at a couch in the corner. A pile of magazines was covering a table in front of it, and the front window was filled with plants. The room was painted in a light yellow that it made it appear cheery. I slowly eased myself down onto the couch and folded my hands in my lap. I couldn’t help but think about the last time I was sitting in a waiting room. The pain of that day began to creep back in no matter how hard I fought. I was not going to break down here. I’d worked too hard to let this pain back into my head.
“Sharron,” a woman who didn’t look much older than me stood in an open door smiling. I rose and followed her inside. She motioned to a chair as she closed the door. “How are you today?”
“Ok, I guess,” I shrugged.
“First, I want to make sure that you know that everything we talk about is confidential. No one other than the two of us will know what’s discussed in here, not even your husband. What is shared from our sessions is totally up to you,” she smiled as she seated herself in the chair beside me. I nodded that I understood as I waited for her to continue. “So, what would you like to talk about today?”
My head jerked back, “I thought…” I let my voice trail off.
“That I would lead this?” she smiled a knowing smile. “This is for you, not me. I’m here to help you understand what’s going on, and to fix it. I need you to tell me what you’re feeling. Tell me in your words, the best you can, what a day is usually like. When does the sadness creep in?”
“It all started when I lost the baby. I don’t think it ever stopped. Every time I thought about her, it hurt. It eventually got to where anything that had to do with the family made the hurt come back,” my throat grew tight as I tried to keep the tears at bay.
“You shut everyone out,” she answered knowingly.
“Pretty much. It wasn’t on purpose though. I just wanted the hurt to go away,” a single tear leaked out and I wiped at it angrily. “Pain and anger seemed to be the only thing I could feel. It got to where it was all I felt. Things that shouldn’t upset me, did, and I just wanted to stay home away from it all.”
Dr. Marlow jotted a few things down before glancing back up at me. “Did you have postpartum depression with either of your other two babies?”
I thought about it for a moment, “With Ken, yes. Mikey, no. By the time Mikey came along I was too busy to think about much. Ken was a toddler and required all my time that Mikey wasn’t taking up. When Ken was a baby though, he’d nap and the whole world seemed to fall apart. I remember calling Trevor at work and asking him to come home because I just wanted someone around. I’d cry for no reason, and then get angry about it. I pushed everyone away,” I stopped as if a lightbulb flashed in my head. My eyes shot over to Dr. Marlow’s. “Is that what this is? But I didn’t have the baby,” I gasped in realization.
“You had the hormones though, and with the kids out of the house, you had the time. I think this is a form of post-partum. I think it’s spiraled out of control, and I think you’re gonna be fine if we can find something to help you get over the hump. Once you start feeling like yourself again, I think things will improve for you. What you’re feeling is not your fault. It’s up here,” she pointed to her head. “There’s an imbalance up here that we have to get back to normal. Once we do, I think you’ll feel like your old self in no time.”
I felt as if a weight had been lifted. All those feelings I couldn’t explain suddenly made sense. All those times I pushed Trevor away, pushed the boys away, friends. All those times I stayed in bed and wanted to do nothing but cry and sleep. I thought back to when Ken was a baby and how I felt then. I had to get over the depression because I had a baby to take care of. I forced myself to move on. This time, I didn’t have that. There was no baby at home, and the boys can take care of themselves. As what I’d done to Trevor floated through my head, my heart seized.
“What’s wrong?” Dr. Marlow reached out and touched my forearm. “I can see it on your face. You’re upset.”
“Trevor,” I whispered. “I asked him for a divorce. I made him move out. I’ve been so mean to him. Why would he put up with this?” I blinked a few times to clear the tears.
“Because he loves you,” she smiled softly as I looked up at her. “He didn’t sign the papers, did he?”
“No,” I shook my head.
“Was he angry?” she pressed.
“That’s what got me here,” I shrugged.
“See? He loves you,” she glanced at her watch. “Our time for today is up, but I’m going to give you a script of something to try for the depression. You can get it filled right down the street if you want. If you don’t see any improvement in the next few weeks or so, call me and we’ll try a different one, and I’d like to see you back in a week,” she handed me the small piece of paper.
“Sounds good,” I nodded as I stood and smiled a genuine smile for the first time in over a year.
WAITING FOR SHARRON to finish at Dr. Marlow’s office seemed to take forever. An hour had never seemed so long. I’d started out at the coffee shop down the street, but after having a cup I began to rethink the idea. Caffeine was the last thing I needed at the moment. The local park seemed like a better plan, and as I walked in that direction I let my mind wander. I had no idea how this afternoon would go and I prayed that Sharron would wake up from this funk she’s been in and be ‘my Sharron’ again. We’d worked too hard over the years to throw it all away, and I was determined to get her to see that.
The flowers were in full bloom in the park, and as I walked along the small paved paths toward the sound of a bubbling brook, I remembered the first time I took Sharron to a park. We were thirteen, and neither of us had had our first kiss, not a real one anyway.
“The Spring Dance is Friday,” I picked at the grass beside my leg. Sharron and I had come to the park with my brother Taylor. We’d been playing catch, but Morgan showed up and he bailed.
“Un huh,” Sharron looked away. I couldn’t figure out why she was acting like this. We’d been friends forever and knew everything about each other. Well, most things. She’d changed over the last two years, and didn’t talk to me as much. When she did, she’d get all quiet and weird.
“Do you want to go?” I nudged her leg and she jumped slightly.
“With you?” her eyes whipped in my direction.
“No, with my brother. Of course with me,” I rolled my eyes. “Are you ok?”
“Sure,” she shrugged.
“How come you never talk to me at school anymore?” I moved closer as I continued to pick at the grass. “You’re always with your friends.”
“You’re a boy,” she muttered.
“Yeah,” I laughed. “I kinda like that about myself.” I could feel my body doing that weird tingly thing again as I stared at her. Over the last several months I’ve been getting this weird feeling when I’m near her. My dad says it’s normal, but it’s embarrassing. I try not to stare, but Sharron has boobs now, and sometimes I can’t help it. Like today, she has on this tank top and these little shorts, and I wonder what it would be like to kiss her. I never thought I’d like her like that. We’ve been friends for so long, but it’s different now.
“You’re doing it again,” she grumbled as she pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms around them.
“Sorry,” I jerked my head in the other direction as I tried to think about something else, anything else. I took a few deep breaths, and tried to gather the confidence I’d worked on last night. “Shar?” I slowly looked back in her direction.
“Yeah?” she refused to look at me. She was shifting awkwardly as she traced designs on the grass with her finger.
“You ever kiss a boy?” I squeezed my eyes shut, embarrassed that I’d uttered the words aloud. “Never mind, you don’t have to tell me.”
“No,” she whispered. “You?”
“Eww, no!” I made a gagging sound.
“I mean with girls,” she rolled her eyes in annoyance.
“Yeah, a ton,” I brushed her off even though I was lying through my teeth.
“What was it like?” she murmured.
“I don’t know,” I shrugged. The truth was I’d given Sarah Ryland a peck on the cheek behind the school in the third grade, and Megan McGee had gotten a quick peck on the lips during a game of spin the bottle last fall, but I’d never given a girl a real kiss. I was the oldest in my family, so other than my father, I had no one to talk to about it. It was embarrassing, but the more I was around Sharron, the more I wanted it to be her. “I could show you,” I whispered. Her eyes blinked up at mine as she swallowed, “I mean if you want me to.”
Her tongue poked out as she ran it across her bottom lip before her eyes met mine. It was a silent conversation, but one of agreement. My eyes widened in surprise. I’d thought about this for days, and she was really gonna let me do it. I scooted closer before we both leaned in. When my lips touched hers, my entire body lit up. She started to pull away, but I reached up and cupped her cheek. I’d heard about the whole tongue thing, but was so out of my league that I wondered if she’d notice. When my other hand landed on her shoulder, she jumped. I ran my tongue along the seam of her lips and when she gasped, I thrust it in. I moved it around searching for hers and tried to copy what I’d seen in movies. I’m sure I was failing, but she didn’t pull away. She leaned closer, and as I fumbled around her hand flew to my chest as her fingers knotted tightly in the cotton of my t-shirt.
I don’t think it lasted more than a few seconds, but it seemed to go on forever. We were both pretty stiff, and I didn’t dare try to touch more than her cheek. When I pulled away, we were both breathing hard and her eyes were squeezed shut. “Are you ok?” I murmured as my eyes dipped to her heaving chest. She nodded quickly as she took a few deep breaths and her eyes slowly opened. They searched my face before the blank look on hers slowly changed. Her lips pulled into a crooked smile as she scrambled to stand up. I stayed on the ground just watching and completely unsure of whether I’d scared her or not.
“Yes,” she laughed as she took a few steps.
“Huh?” I blinked as I gripped the back of my neck.
“The dance. I’ll go with you,” she grinned before turning and running in the direction she had come from.
That was the first of many, I mused as I looked around at the blooming flowers. Sharron and I got better and better each time we kissed. To look at us now, you’d never know that. It’s been months since our lips touched, and when I think about it my whole-body aches. Everyone’s warned me to go slow, but I hope when I take her on this trip down memory lane she remembers what we were like and wants it back as much as I do.