Fifteen
The little smacking sounds of kissing lips pulled me out of my trance before I registered the feeling of those kisses peppering my face. My eyes struggled to open as Leo’s calm voice shushed me sweetly, pressing delicate pecks across my cheeks. The warm flesh of his palms cupping my jaw on either side scattered a final bout of goosebumps. As I came back down to earth, I knew by the feel of his bare hands that the scene was over.
I blinked a few times until Leo’s face became clear. He held me in his lap still, sitting up in bed with my arms linked around his neck and my legs encircling his waist. His thumbs wiped at the tears that had flowed down my cheeks, not in pain but in utter release. The power of his torture followed by his rough lovemaking not only spun me into the dizzying trance I desired but it pushed me to a new level of deliverance. The walls shielding the heart I’d put back together shattered from the strength of Leo’s rule. By limiting my physical movements—my ability to shy away from the intensity of his passion or resist the supernova of chemistry between us—he’d freed me from the bitter heartache that had constricted my soul for so long.
“Hi,” he whispered with a tender smile. “Are you okay?”
My lips curved dreamily and I nodded. His hands grasped my forearms and guided them over his head to unshackle my wrists and he tossed the cuffs to the floor beside the bed.
“Lie down,” he suggested, shifting me off of his lap and reaching for the blanket shoved at the foot of the bed. My legs stretched out and smoothed over the sheets; I yelped then giggled. Leo shot me a concerned look and moved to my side.
“What’s wrong?”
“Cold,” I said with another laugh, reaching under the covers and producing a forgotten ice cube. His smile made my chest blaze, my heart pumping wildly. Leo took the ice from my hand and tossed it in the metal bowl on the nightstand before snuggling under the blanket with me, pulling my naked body flush to his. His soft touch evoked a breathy moan from my lips and I couldn’t stop smiling as he pressed a kiss at my temple.
“Thank you,” he breathed.
I snorted softly and turned to meet his eyes, our face just inches apart. “Why do you always thank me?”
Leo drew his brows together. “Because I’m thankful for you. I’m grateful every time you allow me to dominate you,” he said. “You and I seem to understand each other’s desires and needs so clearly. We complement each other and for that, I’m incredibly thankful I found you. I’ve been with women before who weren’t interested in what I like, but were still great lovers… But you… When I want to push, you want to be shoved. I’m thanking you for giving me your rawest self and for trusting me to foster the side of you that you don’t know what to do with.”
“Tell me why you like it,” I whispered.
“Why do you like it?” he shot back with a half-smile.
I tugged my bottom lip between my teeth and smothered the sinful grin his question elicited. Still reeling from the high he’d given me, I tried to categorize the reasons I enjoyed our mutual fetish. I stared at him through the darkness, feeling his breath mixing with mine.
“When my senses are limited,” I began, “withdrawing into my mind where doubt and insecurity live isn’t an option. The line between pain and pleasure blurs and every sting just magnifies how good you really make me feel. You’re right…I become my rawest self with you because I have no other choice but to peel back the layers and experience every sensation. I get to a point where everything fades away and I’m just spinning out. For a long time, I struggled with a need to keep a firm grasp on control. But giving it to you has made me realize how futile that struggle was. Maybe control was never what I was seeking...”
His stare, shadowed by the night and the fading glow of candlelight, held me as perfectly as leather cuffs and metal chains. I watched his lips part slightly and I involuntarily wet my own.
“Then what were you seeking?”
“Liberation from the need to control.”
He blinked and my mind began to ask him for his own dark confession over and over. I had to know what it was like for him. An outsider could look at him like a freak. A potential serial killer or danger to society. But I knew—even without knowing fully—that Leo’s brutality was laced with something else.
“This is why we match. Why the dynamic between sadist and masochist exists…where you struggled to be in control I struggled to be heard. I used to feel weak. Insignificant. I lacked an identity. This side of me, this—habit fulfills so many of my needs. I’m heard. Obeyed. Respected. Needed. Desired. I become raw just like you. I find that place where the world fades and darkness takes over and all that’s left is giving and taking. I like it most because the energy we exchange is pure. Some think sex is the highest level of physical intimacy, but what we do exceeds it. It’s as much mental and emotional as it is physical. And for some, emotional release is sought after more than sexual release.” Leo’s hand reached out and his thumb swiped under my eye. No tears remained but it was as though he was still soothing the outburst the scene had brought out in me. “I can’t tell you what it does to me to see you cry when you come.”
I felt a pulse between my legs and one corner of my mouth lifted. “Rather insightful of us both,” I mused. “And here I thought we were just a couple of kinky fuckers.”
Leo let out a laugh and rolled on top of me. A giggle slipped past my lips as he trailed kisses from my collarbone up to my ear, pulling the tender lobe between his teeth. The pinch made me moan through another breathy laugh.
“Oh, we are,” he said. He dropped beside me again and pulled me to him, stroking a lazy hand up and down my spine as we breathed in unison, a weight lifted from the space between us.
I stared at his chest and slid my hand down his sternum, watching my fingers as they moved. Though I felt like a novice still, the way he spoke made me feel like I encompassed the exact thing he was looking for. “How did you know?” I started. “That first night at the store, you said you could sense my submissive side right away. How?”
His dark brows rose and his lips downturned thoughtfully. “You had a perfect mixture of assertiveness and hesitancy with me,” he said, smiling as though he remembered the occasion clearly. I knew I did. “Then, you stared at my mouth when I spoke and your breathing sped up. And when I saw the wheels turning in your head the second I told you I’d punish you, I had my confirmation.”
It was true, my attraction to Leo had been instant and startling. And maybe I didn’t know how to quantify it then, but I supposed I’d picked up on his dominance as well. Leo had coaxed me into the blinding and beautiful light of self-awareness and now—self-acceptance. Without his telepathy that night, I might never have welcomed this decent into indefinite bliss.
“What are you thinking?” he asked, tracing a fingertip along my cheek and down my jawline.
I breathed a laugh. “It’s funny you should ask that,” I mused.
“Why?”
“I was just thinking how comfortable I am with you in my head.”
A smile formed on his lush lips. As he smoothed a hand over the back of my head, stopping at the nape of my neck to draw me near and kiss my brow, I melted against him.
***
Leo insisted we get out of bed to eat and though initially, I disagreed, hoping for another bout of games, as soon as the bowl of macaroni and cheese moved in front of me, my mouth watered.
Dressed in one of Leo’s old sweatshirts, I sat swinging my legs on the stool at his kitchen counter. I stabbed at the nostalgic food and took a bite, moaning when I tasted it.
“Don’t start making noises like that,” Leo said, “or I’ll take you right back in there.”
“Promise?” I said, batting my eyelashes.
He reached out to rub my back as I continued to wolf down the midnight snack. I glanced over at him and marveled at the way he watched me with such care. Every time he looked at me, I felt the weight of his emotions. Even before I understood that he wanted more than my body, I sensed his protectiveness over me.
“Are you going to eat?” I asked between bites.
“In a while.”
I nodded absently and let a moment from the day linger in my mind. “You smoke,” I blurted.
Leo’s head dropped, his sable hair falling over his forehead. He pushed the black strands back into place and grimaced at me. “Not usually,” he said. “Only when I’m under stress.”
That made sense. I’d only ever seen him smoke that morning and aside from the first night we met, I’d never smelled the clove scent on him again.
“Why were you stressed today?”
He stood to make himself a bowl of macaroni and I sucked in a breath as I locked eyes with the lion on his back for the first time in full light. Leo faced the stove and the moment he spoke, I pulled my eyes from the animal to listen without distraction.
“My nephew is sick and—my sister, she’s a good mother, really she is, but it’s like whenever things get difficult she forgets how to function. I guess I didn’t help matters by living with her and helping to raise him. It’s time she stood on her own. She’s perfectly capable but she’s used to having things done for her.”
“What about the father?”
He turned and held my gaze for a beat, bouncing his eyes over my face blankly before reclaiming the seat beside me. “He’s an asshole. Not even worth mentioning.”
My lips scrunched up and I stared into my quickly diminishing bowl. “I know the type,” I mused.
“What are your plans for tomorrow?” Leo asked, clearing the space of thoughts of unworthy men.
I stood from the bar and lifted my dish to carry it to the sink when he captured my wrist, leading me to sit again.
“I got it,” he muttered. He took my bowl around the counter and rinsed it, returning to his seat.
My teeth pinched at my bottom lip when I took the quick moment to gaze at his tattoo and consider this man before me. Everything Leo did had thought behind it. He took an expert level of care with every move he made and nothing was done without purpose.
He cleared his throat and shot me a playful glance, still waiting on my answer.
“Oh, um. I have to work,” I chuckled.
“What if your boss got you off for the day instead?” Leo’s eyes grew sinister and his voice dipped to the smoky register that fanned flames within me.
“I really should go in for a little while,” I said with a smirk. “I need to drop some books off at that coffee shop down the street that’s giving us a shelf for promotion.”
Leo moved to clean his dish and place it with mine in the sink then wiped his hands on a towel. He pressed his palms into the countertop where he leaned back with ease. “You’re really taking this marketing thing seriously, aren’t you?”
I shrugged with a slanted smile, trying not to gawk as his stomach flexed and showcased the definition of his muscles. “Yeah,” I said. “I am. I want to make you guys proud and I want to help the store grow. It’s nice to kind of be back in my field.”
His expression faltered and he held me firm with a gaze, my stomach twisting with anticipation. “Did you used to work with him?”
My throat worked to push down the lump that arose. I doubted Leo would ever stop bringing it up until he knew everything. The only difficult part about that was I’d only ever shared the story with one other person and Bryon watched it all unfold in real time. I hadn’t relayed the sordid tale to anyone after the fact. I considered how Leo might look at me once he knew the details. My stomach flipped again and I remembered the safety Leo’s gaze granted me. The comfort of his arms and the freedom of his punishment. I figured it was only fair I tell him the things I felt I needed punishing for.
“Yes,” I croaked.
“Is that how you met?”
“Yes.”
“Do we have to play twenty questions or are you just going to tell me?”
I breathed in deeply and glanced over my shoulder. The couch looked like a better setting for this conversation. Leo picked up on my thoughts and nodded, walking toward the open living room. I followed and sat beside him on the leather couch, curling my knees up to my chest.
“He interviewed me for the job and as I was walking out to my car afterward, he followed me and told me he was going to have his partner look over my resume and the interview notes because he wanted to recuse himself…so he could ask me out. I was young and flattered and too stupid to notice how manipulative that move was. I thought it was romantic,” I said. I dragged my hands through my hair and remembered I’d cut it, distracting myself from the past for a moment before sighing. “Warren was…is married. I’d love to tell you that I didn’t know that while I was dating him—that he’d duped me into being his mistress—but I can’t.”
When I looked up to see Leo watching me with a furrowed brow and a storm brewing in his darkened eyes, I felt sick. My lips twisted and I avoided his face, glancing over at the large windows overlooking the woods.
“It lasted three years. Three years as a dirty little secret, having my bills paid for me as some sort of consolation prize. I fell for him because he was charming and handsome…and powerful,” I muttered.
“The wrong kind of powerful,” Leo spoke up.
I met his stare and pulled my bottom lip into my mouth. “Do you think differently of me?”
“No.”
“I slept with another woman’s husband. For three years. I asked him to leave her. I tried to break up his marriage every chance I got.”
“What are you trying to convince me of? That you made a mistake? Everyone makes mistakes. But he’s the person who broke a vow. He’s the one who stepped away from his wife for you. And he’s the one who made you think your place was second,” Leo said, reaching out to me, resting his hand on my cheek. I leaned into it instinctively, loving the tenderness his bare hands bestowed on me. “You deserve to be someone’s number one. You should always be number one.”
“Someone’s?”
A little growl coated the breath he let go of and his thumb swept over my skin. “Mine.”
The word sounded thick, cloaked in possessiveness but wrapped in adoration. I swallowed hard and nodded with his hand pressed against my cheek and our eyes locked.
“Let’s go back to bed,” he said, standing and offering his hand. He led me out of the living room, flipping off the lights on his way and ushered me into the bedroom, still glowing amber. Silently, he stopped me at the foot of the bed and lifted the sweatshirt over my head, casting it aside, leaving me bare. We climbed under the covers together and he resumed his hold on me, snuggling right up against me. The feeling of his flesh pressed to mine comforted me in a way I couldn’t comprehend. It was safety and security and intense familiarity. Much like every other feeling that traveled between us, it felt unwavering and genuine. Nothing with Leo felt coerced. His arms snaked around my waist and he breathed against the top of my head, kissing my hair absently.
“Leo…”
“Yes?”
A tidal wave of emotion knocked me senseless in an instant. Sharing with him the truth about Warren brought the shame and disgust bubbling up inside me. I felt an immense weight on my chest. Pulling back slightly, I gazed at Leo’s face and fought the anchor that threatened to pull me under.
“What is it? What’s wrong?” he asked.
“I don’t know how to ask you…”
I thought there was a way to cure the horrible feelings within me. It started with my confession, saying the words out loud and owning them for what they were. But the second part was harder to explain. I’d come to realize in a very short time that pain greatly enhanced my pleasure, but I also believed it did more for me than that. With every twinge of physical discomfort that caused my nerves to burn and seethe, I let go. When I sighed, relieved in between blows from Leo’s palm, I released a part of myself imprisoned by disgrace. I finally felt the pain I’d smothered below the surface. When I felt his heavy hand, the weight of my sins lifted.
“You want me to hurt you,” Leo said, reading my thoughts.
Clamping my lips tight, I nodded. His eyes searched my face and I thought for a moment I saw sadness and regret wash over him. But he shifted out of sight and moved off the bed without a word. I sat up, clutching the sheet to my chest, and watched as he turned to me from the dresser. His jaw tightened and he tugged on the black gloves. I silently thanked him then sat up a little straighter when he walked to his closet door, opening it wide.
On the inside of the door hung the same kind of implements I’d seen at Melanie and Gabe’s house. A paddle, a flogger, a riding crop, and a cane hung in a line from little hooks drilled into the door. Leo turned to me and my mind blanked out. His sweatpants hanging low on his hips, the skin of his chest bathed in candlelight, the striking features of his face half-lit by the diffused light from the window…his black gloved hands clenched into fists at his sides—the total vision of him entranced me.
“Pick one.” The smoky tone of his voice only hypnotized me further.
I pointed to the flogger and he snatched it off its hook, stomping toward me.
“On your hands and knees, face the headboard.”
I did as he commanded and drew in three deep breaths, focusing hard on the pillow underneath me. My chin tilted up and my eyes fluttered shut as I felt leather fingertips delicately drag down my naked spine. His touch did things to me I didn’t know were possible. His hand slapped my ass once and I held my stance without faltering, though the sting shocked me. I could hear his breathing turn erratic and I thought I heard him gulp before that sultry rasp snuck out.
“Don’t forget you asked for this,” he clipped.
It felt like a blitz attack of tiny razors striking me all at once, his first blow nothing if not merciless. I tried to cry out but my voice stuck in my throat and by the time he whipped the thin leather strips against my buttocks again, I choked on my breath. Another thump, then another, and eventually I inhaled a throaty gasp followed by a sob. It was painful, but with every whip, I grew more aroused. I heard the tool lashing through the air before it cracked against my flesh and I gritted my teeth, holding in every moan that threatened to emerge. My limbs shook uncontrollably as they fought to keep my body in position. I hung my head and groaned, my mouth gaping open to moan as the burn set deep into my muscles. I could barely think and the tension settling in my back, arms, and legs wasn’t what I’d been waiting for. Leo grunted as he doled out one final blow and I fell forward, choking for air, my face in a pillow.
As I regained my breath, Leo climbed on top of me. I felt the fabric of his sweatpants against the raw flesh of my ass and whimpered as he tugged them down, his hard cock pressing against my thigh. With one hand, he pushed my legs apart then lined the head of his cock up with my entrance. Both gloved hands found my wrists and pinned them above my head while his breath steamed against the back of my neck. Using his nose, he prompted my head to turn and his lips found my ear.
“Never ask me to do that again,” he scolded in a whisper. “Trust that I’ll give you what you need when you need it. Don’t think I didn’t see the pain in your eyes when you told me about him. Don’t think I didn’t see the way your body became rigid the second I mentioned him. But you telling me what to do, you asking for things, that’s not how it works.”
A shuddering breath fell from my lips. He truly had read my mind. He knew the penance I sought. The reprimanding and the pressure of his front against my back, the head of his cock between my legs, completely outweighed the welt-worthy pain on my cheeks. I softened and waited for his guidance.
“This,” he groaned, pushing inside and evoking a moan from me, “is what you need.”
Leo slowly retreated, pulling almost completely out before slamming back inside with force. His forehead dropped to my temple and he panted against my face as he thrust deeply, filling me to the point of delirium.
“This is for your own good,” he said through clenched teeth before capturing my earlobe between his lips. “Do you understand?”
It was only then that relief consumed me completely. As he took me from behind, covering me with his weight, holding me down and sucking on my earlobe, my body lost all its tension. My face relaxed and my mind chased away all inklings of shame and self-loathing. Leo pumped into me harder, unrelenting, huffing onto my neck and kissing it as I squirmed. His hands pushed my wrists deeper into the mattress as he fucked me. I felt lightheaded, my heart mended, and began to spin as Leo grunted, biting my shoulder. My head swirled and I sank into dizzying bliss, knowing I’d only ever be blessed with release once Leo took control.