Twenty-One
Stunned in place, I felt my hands trembling at my sides as I stared at the bathroom door. I took a few solid deep breaths and grabbed my tank top off the floor, yanking it over my head. I found my panties and slipped into them then marched to the bathroom door with every kind of emotion flowing through me.
My knuckles rapped hard on the white wood. “Leo?”
No reply. I knocked again, harder. “Leo, what the hell is going on?”
I heard the sink turn on and the sound of splashing water as I knocked again relentlessly. “You’re freaking me out. I—please.” My voice cracked and I felt a wave of rejection douse me. The books I’d read in the beginning of our arrangement—before Leo showed me he cared, before he was mine, before I loved him—made it clear that aftercare was sometimes the most important part of a scene. Even when I thought Leo was just my fun fantasy, he’d wipe away my tears, hold me and shush my sighs as I came down from the tornado he knew how to stir inside of me. To be held afterward did more for me than I’d ever realized until now. That first time, he’d kissed my cheekbone tenderly, dried the few tears on my face and sweetly asked if I was all right. It was simple and juxtaposed the scene so greatly I almost wondered now if I started falling for him then. Leo had shown me more care and attention than anyone else had ever before. Standing alone and cold in his bedroom with this barrier between us made my stomach wrench.
I banged on the door and gripped the handle, gasping when it opened without any force. Pushing the door open, I saw Leo standing at the sink with his palms pressed into the vanity, staring at himself in the mirror with no expression.
“Leo?”
“Do I sicken you the way I sicken myself?”
The grave tone of his raspy voice sent a shudder through me. I rushed toward him, breaking his gaze from the mirror and inserting myself in his eye line.
“What? Leo, no.”
His eyes settled on me but he looked a thousand miles away. Gone was the Dominant man who held me captive with looks alone. Leo’s gaze was lifeless and despondent. I reached up and touched his face, but he flinched away from me, grimacing.
“You do not sicken me,” I said. “What’s going on?”
His Adam’s apple bobbed and his eyes zoned out once more, staring at my shoulder as he spoke. “That got out of hand. I’m sorry.”
I took his face in my hands and made him look me squarely in the eyes. “It’s okay,” I pleaded. “I’m okay.”
His lips parted and he averted my gaze yet again. I watched his mouth open and shut as though his words were trying to form. When he finally looked at me again, he sighed.
“I’m not.”
My forehead tensed and I swept my thumbs over his cheekbones, at a complete loss of how to care for the man who’d never acted as though he needed caring for. He swallowed thickly again and clutched my fingers, holding them to his face as he stared down at me. Leo drew in a deep breath, blinking a few times, bringing a little light back to his eyes. His grasp on my hands loosened as he exhaled and his shoulders dropped.
“I’m sorry,” he said again with a breath. “That’s never happened to me before.”
“What?”
“A drop.”
My brow furrowed and Leo lowered my hands in his to settle in between us. “You know how you spin? That really nice weightless feeling—whatever heavenly plane you drift to when you’re completely taken by the moment?”
I nodded, still scrutinizing him as his voice returned to normal.
“Imagine the opposite. Spinning out of control and into a bleak place. Somewhere dark and burdensome.”
“That’s what happened to you?”
“I didn’t feel like I could stop. I shouldn’t have said those things to you. I don’t know why I took it there. I shouldn’t have—”
“Hey. You did stop. You stopped yourself. You and me…” I trailed off with a weak smile. “We don’t always know how to talk. That, out there, is how we communicate. It’s how you first spoke to me and it’s how I first responded to you. We should probably work on speaking.”
He puffed a sad laugh through his nose and placed a hand under my ear, smoothing his thumb over my jaw. The tender look in his eye warmed me as he scanned my face.
“There’s a lot I need to learn. I’m afraid I don’t know how to treat you anymore…I’ve never loved a sub before.”
Air stuck in my lungs. “What?”
One side of his mouth curled up. “I love you.”
“But—” My voice squeaked out and my lips pursed in a pout as confusion flooded me.
Leo’s tongue touched his bottom lip and his grin grew. I finally recognized the man in front of me as his hands dropped to my waist and pulled me to him. “I said, I love you. No buts.”
“Earlier, when I said it you…you acted like you were mad at me all day. Like I’d disappointed you.”
His face fell. “I’m sorry about that.”
Eyeing him carefully, I let it sink in. Leo loved me. It radiated through my chest and it shot of fireworks in my brain.
His darkened stare, not ominous, simply brooding, held me. “I did not expect you, Sloane. Not at all.”
I hadn’t expected him either. A weak smile moved his lips and he pulled me into a hug. My face pressed against his chest as he repeated his love for me, his mouth against the top of my head. I sighed and linked my arms around his back, attempting to let go of the pestering thoughts from earlier in the day. His mood, his stare, his reaction to Ethan and Barry and the questions he demanded of me while I was restrained. As he dropped a kiss in my hair, his chest broadening with a deep breath, I felt something looming. The shadow between us. With our acknowledgments of love freed to one another, I tried to push the idea of a problem away.
I looked up at Leo and tried to read him the way he read me. Why had he lost control? Why had he gone to the dark place? Why had he asked those things of me? And why hadn’t he said a word about my final answer—the one that made him use the safe word? His brows knit together briefly and as I clung to him tighter, I realized how blindfolded he’d always made me feel and how much that scared me.
***
The moment we walked into Oliver’s house, Wendy grabbed my arm and helped hang up my jacket. She pulled me aside and her eyes grew wide.
“God, I’m glad you’re here,” she said.
I stared at her, unable to think with how quickly she’d whisked me off to one side as Oliver and Leo greeted each other.
Wendy rolled her eyes. “Don’t tell me I’m the only nervous one. Dinner with the parents? Kind of a big deal. Ollie told me I’m being crazy. But I’m glad you and I are in the same boat.”
“Right,” I said. “I mean, I met them yesterday. They seem nice. We’ll be fine.”
“There’s wine,” she said looking down her nose at me. “Want some?”
I laughed and nodded. “Sure.”
She headed off toward the kitchen as Leo’s hand settled on my shoulder. I glanced up at his small smile. My unsettled nerves had nothing to do with sharing a meal with Leo’s entire family. I had bigger concerns than impressing his parents. I’d spent almost the whole night staring at the ceiling of Leo’s bedroom, running through every second of our relationship. Trying to pinpoint the moments when Leo acted differently toward me in effort to figure him out proved difficult. In the beginning, I loved the mystery of him. It was part of the thrill and intrigue. His silent seduction. But now, every whiff of clove cigarettes and brooding stare was a tally mark in the secretive column. Pensiveness was no longer sexy, it was unnerving. Our silent communications that I’d categorized in my mind as some kind of telepathic connection stood out as moments of misperception and ambiguity. For hours, while Leo slept soundly beside me, I’d wondered if I really knew him or if I’d simply repeated my old mistakes and convinced myself of who he was.
Looking up at him, I sighed. I prayed I knew him. I prayed I fell for someone real and not a version of him I’d manifested in my mind alone.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
His eyes flashed with surprise for an instant before he nodded. “I’m just still a little tired,” he replied.
It had taken him a few hours to return completely to himself after what he’d explained as his drop. He held me in his arms and told me he loved me over and over. Each time he said it I felt contentment followed quickly by doubt. What if he was repeating it to convince himself? He’d apologize and I’d tell him he didn’t need to. But he never spoke of Warren again. He never asked me about my responses during the scene and I never pressed him to tell me why he’d questioned me. His exhaustion was evident, worn out by the energy of his emotions and the labor of his sadism; he finally fell asleep against my body.
We made our way into the living room and Leo’s father rose from a recliner. “Hey, kids,” he said, embracing Leo quickly and smiling at me. “Sloane, I’m glad you came. Good to see you again.”
My lips split and a genuine smile claimed me. I hadn’t been around people parents’ age in so long, I hadn’t realized how comforting it was. “Thanks for having me,” I said.
From around the corner, Barry padded in with a stuffed elephant under one arm, rubbing his eyes with the other hand. He yawned and the mussed curls on his head looked especially out of place. Behind him, Marie followed.
“He hasn’t taken an afternoon nap like that in a long time. You guys must’ve worn him out today,” she said to Michael.
He chuckled. “Yeah, Grandma’s worried she’s going to have grandchild withdrawals once we head back south. She may’ve gone a little overboard today running him all around town.”
Barry glanced up, drowsy-eyed, and saw me. His sleepy expression never changed but his feet led him straight toward me where he simply held his arms up, silently asking me to hold him. My chin jutted out and I bent without hesitation, scooping him up as he clung to me.
“Well hey, buddy.”
I locked eyes with Marie and she smiled though disbelief painted her. “Wow. He’s pretty taken with you,” she said.
My arms held him tightly as he melted against me. “I guess so,” I mused with a faint laugh. I found Leo with my gaze and felt my stomach clench as his eyes narrowed and his jaw tightened. Unreadable and yet unsettling, his expression held firm as he turned to his brother.
“I’m going to see if Mom needs help,” he said.
He glanced at me one more time and left the room. Wendy arrived at my side with a glass of wine. Her mouth fell open and she sighed at the sight of little Barry latched around my neck.
“What a sweetie!” she whispered. I smiled and moved to sit on the sofa, settling Barry beside me. He snuggled to my side and I let my arm drape over him.
“You waking up?”
“Yeah,” he exhaled.
Marie took a seat on his other side, stroking a hand over his hair. “Do you have any nieces or nephews?” she asked.
I forced a smile and shook my head. “No, not yet.”
“Well my son seems happy to give you a taste of what it’s like,” she said with a laugh.
“I’m honored,” I mused, looking down at Barry as he pulled in a deep breath, straightening as he continued to wake.
“Dinner’s ready.”
My eyes swept to Leo standing in the entryway of the living room; his expression had changed but hadn’t eased. His blue gaze flicked to Barry nestled at my side, then to Marie and back to me. A deep breath widened his chest and I felt the room darken for us. I wanted to rush to him and beg him to speak to me. But his father rose and clapped a hand on Leo’s shoulder.
“Ollie said he’s got beers in the basement fridge. Go grab us a couple, will ya?”
His eyes tore away from my face and a chill slithered up my spine. “Yeah, Dad.”
Everyone stood and headed for the kitchen. As we crowded inside, Kathy reached for me and planted a kiss on my cheek that warmed me unexpectedly. Leo had so much more to offer than just himself. This family—the idea of it at least—full of loving embraces, kind words and the potential for new friendships had already slowly infiltrated my heart.
“I’m glad you’re here, honey,” Kathy said, topping off the glass of wine I’d yet to sip. I laughed and shook away the heaviness Leo’s stare laid on me. I let the warmth of the Calloway family envelope me and wash away whatever troubles brewed between us.
“Me too,” I said with a smile. “Dinner smells wonderful.”
Barry darted through the kitchen, apparently reaching his second wind in record speed. His head bobbed past the island and a little hand reached up to the chocolate cake resting on a platter.
“Barrett Fitzgerald Calloway!”
Marie’s scolding stopped my feet from moving. I blinked and swallowed as a cloud rolled into my mind. My brow furrowed and I gulped red wine while thunder rippled through my every thought. Oliver’s soft touch at my arm pulled me into the space again.
“Here, grab a plate,” he said offering me a white paper plate. “We’re fancy if you can’t tell.” He laughed and I gripped the plate carefully, still staring into a void as my mind brewed a squall.
“Barry’s name…is Barrett?” I managed to utter.
The room hummed with customary conversation as everyone began filling their plates from the spread Mrs. Calloway had presented over the countertops and the island. Oliver picked up a napkin and handed me one as he answered.
“Yeah,” he said, lowering his voice to a hush. “His good for nothing father was adamant Marie give him his family’s middle name but didn’t want her giving him his last name. So she just gave it to him as a first name instead.”
Those deep brown eyes.
The cherubic cheeks and soft curls.
The spitting image of a child I’d made up in my mind as my own.
Because I’d seen photos of him as a child.
Barry looked like a memory to me; the kind of sweet boy I’d wanted during my time with Warren Fitzgerald Barrett.
I set my wine and my paper plate on the countertop. “Excuse me for a second,” I muttered. Ducking out into the foyer, I hurried toward the door when I heard Leo’s voice in the kitchen.
“Who wants a beer?”
My hand gripped the knob and I shifted the door open and slipped out onto the porch. My chest ached as I struggled for even breaths. I glanced around in a daze at the houses on Oliver’s street and wondered how long it would take me to walk home. I didn’t care. I didn’t care that my jacket was inside because the cool air waving over my boiling skin gave me the slightest bit of relief. Dread began to swallow me whole. My eyes burned as tears welled up and my lip stung as I bit down hard on it.
The sound of the door opening made me turn from where I stood at the bottom of the porch steps. I barely remembered walking down them.
“Hey, what’s up? You okay?”
Leo’s voice sat in my ears and nauseated me. I took two steps up and the porch lamp lit my face for him. I watched as he registered the tears in my eyes and the anguish that I wore.
“What’s wrong?” he whispered.
I shut my eyes. “I’m trying to figure out how long you’ve known.”
The events of the previous night came rushing back and sickness surged within me. As he held onto his response, silence filling the chilled air between us, I did the math on Barry’s age. I’d probably met Warren around the time Marie had him. I wasn’t just the mistress, I was the replacement mistress. The spare.
“When did I first say his name? When did you realize?”
My chin trembled as I noticed the subtle relief on Leo’s face. At least he wouldn’t have to hide it from me any longer.
“Answer me!”
“I first suspected it…when you mentioned working in marketing in Blacksburg, but you said his name that night at my house. When you told me he was married.”
My face crumpled and my hands balled into fists at my side. “Does your sister know?”
“No.”
“Were you ever going to tell me?”
Leo’s wild eyes danced over my features and for once, his wordlessness truly spoke volumes. I wasn’t guessing or grasping—I wasn’t inserting my own words into void between us. I knew. He wouldn’t have told me.
“Did you just think I’d figure it out one day and we’d deal with it then?” My voice cracked as damning evidence of the pain engulfing me.
He reached up and rubbed harshly at his forehead, shutting his eyes in a wince. “I didn’t know how to tell you.”
My arms flew up and I stomped toward him. “Of course not, because you don’t know how to talk to me! I thought it was me. I almost blamed myself for this disconnect I was starting to feel. I thought, what did I do wrong to make him shut down and shut me out? But here I am taking the responsibility—shaming and picking myself apart because of another lying man who found a way to own me.”
“Sloane, please…” He reached out for me and I jerked away, wide-eyed and breathless. He reached out again and gripped my arm. I pulled from his grasp and forced my palm against his cheek without thinking. The sound of the slap rebounded around the porch and Leo turned his face with the weight. His head moved and I reared back again, slapping him once more. And then a third time, before a sob claimed me.
“Did it make you feel better? To punish another one of his whores? Did you feel like you were getting back at him for screwing your sister over? Or were you hoping to humiliate me and teach me a lesson about how stupid I was for being with him seeing as how I wasn’t even his number two?”
Leo licked his lips and touched the cheek I’d assaulted as he gulped. When our eyes locked, I saw the redness at the rim of this lashes and the gloss covering his blue irises.
“I didn’t know…” Leo sighed and tugged his bottom lip in his mouth. “What are the chances of that, Sloane? How could I have known? It’s not right and it’s not fair, but I didn’t know. And I’m so sorry. I never expected to fall in love with you.”
It all pieced together in my mind. Every second we’d shared.
“You could’ve done it all so differently, Leo. But now…with this…this huge thing. It just feels like every moment was calculated. And I don’t know how I can look at you again after you watched me love that little boy knowing who his father was to me.”
Leo dragged his hands over his face, speechless. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and with a few rushed taps, a car was on its way to pick me up.
“You should go back inside,” I mumbled.
“Sloane, please don’t do this.”
My eyes met his and I hated the fading embers of passion burning in me at the sight of him despite what he’d done. I swallowed thickly and hugged my arms around myself.
“Maybe I had it coming. I always liked the way you hurt me.”