Twenty-Two
A rush of chills flashed through me and my flesh swelled with quick heat as my fingers swept over black leather gloves. The feeling against my skin catapulted me into memories of Leo and my heart seized in my chest. I shut my eyes and gripped the gloves as I breathed.
Every day. I thought of him every single day. It felt pointless to try and forget him when everything reminded me of him. For the last two months, everything had sparked a memory. The smell of cloves, eighties love songs on the radio, every book I opened, every glass of wine I drank, every walk I took, and the sensation of leather under my fingertips.
The day after I walked away from him on his brother’s porch, I packed a bag and went to my sister’s house for a week. I never imagined I’d find myself running back there after running away nearly a year before. I explained everything to her for the first time and though I waited for a shaming look and snide comments about needing to get my life together, I got the opposite. Ellie welcomed me into her home without judgment. Travelling back and forth, spending my savings again, I tried to keep myself busy by constantly moving. I’d come to Salem and hole up in my apartment watching movies and drinking until I fell asleep and then I’d head to Blacksburg and spend time being a normal human alongside my sister and Bryon.
Only he never left my thoughts. Leo loomed in the back of my mind like an unpaid debt—churning my stomach acid all while feeling too colossal to take on.
He called my phone at least once a day. That didn’t help to rid him from my daily life. His name popping up on the screen continued to both thrill me and devastate me. In the beginning, he left messages. He begged me to answer, tried to explain, apologized, he even demanded I call him back once, thinking maybe he still had the power over me. Truthfully, that message in particular nearly broke me. The rough, smoky tone of voice that held me captive once almost pushed me over the edge. My hand had hovered over the phone, itching to dial his number back and hear his voice in real time. But I didn’t do it. I poured myself a drink and willed him away. Eventually, he stopped leaving messages though his calls still came in like clockwork.
Whenever I was in Salem, I made sure to stay in my apartment. I even brought my groceries back from Blacksburg so I wouldn’t chance running into him. I didn’t even want to see Oliver or Wendy. I wanted it to be how it was before I met him. I wanted to go into the bookstore I loved and drink my coffee and be invisible. But I couldn’t. Leo had seen me and his stare made me whole. His touch made me real. His voice made me function.
Breathe, I reminded myself. Sucking in a breath, I chased Leo from my mind like I did every day and pulled myself back to the present. Anger set in as it always did when I saw the parallels between my first few months away from Warren and now, these first two months separated from Leo. Warren had made me feel stupid, but Leo made me feel conned.
“Those are nice.”
Bryon’s voice sounded at my back and I turned to him with a weak smile. He touched my shoulder and eyed me with caution.
“You okay?”
I nodded and looked back at the gloves I’d been handling. Suddenly the holiday music playing in the store swelled in my mind and I registered the noise of bustling shoppers. I hated Christmas. After my parents died, it acted as a reminder that no gift would ever be what I truly wanted. When I was with Warren, it was a magnifying glass on the true dynamic of our relationship as he showered me with lavish gifts but didn’t spend any time with me for almost the entire month of December. Though I rarely allowed myself to envision a future with Leo during our short time together, I had once considered sharing a holiday with him; it was the first time I’d looked forward to that time of year.
Bryon picked up the ladies’ black leather gloves and flipped over the price tag. “Hey, they’re on sale. You want them? I have no idea what to get you.”
I stared at the gloves with narrowed eyes and a dark laugh snuck out. Bryon gaped at me. I hadn’t laughed in weeks. What would it be like to put those gloves on? I wasn’t drawn to them because my hands couldn’t stand the chilly air outside. Something else pulled me toward the slim fitting, soft leather gloves. I wondered what it might feel like to keep those in my coat pocket, ready to wear whenever I felt the need. I imagined the thrill that might lace through me the moment I slipped my hands inside them. Would I feel powerful? Would I feel in control?
“Earth to Sloane,” Bryon sang.
My eyes snapped to his and I gave an apologetic smile. It wasn’t uncommon for me to drift off into my own little world these days. Bryon was used to it but I hated feeling like I was a walking zombie. “Sorry. Yeah, I—I like them.”
He snatched the gloves up and grinned. “Good. Don’t watch me pay for them and act surprised in front of Craig.”
I matched his grin and saluted him as he hurried off to get in the long line for the register. Turning back toward the display of gloves, I stroked the finger of a pair identical to the one’s Bryon was currently buying for me. Wild visions raced through my brain and suddenly my shoulders straightened and my breath flowed differently. I jumped at the feeling of my phone vibrating in my pocket and pulled it out only to see Leo’s name. Gritting my teeth, I hit the decline button and stared at the blank screen a beat longer.
Scraping my bottom lip, I glanced back at the gloves, then at the screen once more. I’d told Leo I thought I secretly wanted liberation from my desperate need to have control, but what if I was wrong? It didn’t take a shrink to trace back my control issues to the sudden loss of my parents. Add in my choice of Warren—the safe bet, the man I’d never truly have to be with—and I was a damn stereotype. Maybe I didn’t have to be though.
Scrolling through my contacts list, I found the person I knew I could talk to about the unexpected contemplations plaguing me. I tapped out a quick message and with one last glance at the gloves, I hit send.
Sloane: Could we have lunch soon? I want to ask you some questions.
I headed toward the line and met up with Bryon. He smiled and put his arm around me. After Christmas, I’d be back in Salem and with the new ideas rolling around in my mind I wondered if I’d end up staying there. I could turn my life around. I all I had to do was own it. I didn’t need a man to guide me or show me who I was. I needed to grab my identity with a strong fist and never let go.
My phone vibrated at my hip in my coat pocket and I grabbed it, reading the response as a genuine smile curved my lips.
Melanie: Of course! Coffee at Black & Brew in the New Year?
Bryon stepped up to the register and handed the cashier his armful of items, the last of which were the gloves he planned to buy for me. He shot me a look as the woman rang him up and raised one brow.
“Leather, huh? I figured you were more the cashmere type, but leather will look good on you.”
Biting my lip as a smirk overwhelmed me at his reaction, I tapped a response before gently slipping it back in my pocket. They weren’t even mine yet and already the gloves had evoked a subtle change.
Sloane: Perfect. Looking forward to it.