Four
“I know what I said before,” I laughed, “but Oliver needs someone part time and I’m there a lot so it’ll work out for both of us.”
Ellie continued to blather on the other end of the phone, spewing questions at me. How much was I making? What were my hours? Was I still working on the book? What does Oliver look like?
Another sharp laugh escaped me. “It really doesn’t matter what Oliver looks like. Believe me. Anyway, I just thought you’d be happy to hear I’m employed again,” I held the phone to my ear with my shoulder as I cleared my breakfast dishes into the sink and moved to find my shoes. “But I’ve gotta go or I’ll be late.”
As Ellie accepted my nudge to say goodbye, telling me she loved me before hanging up, my eyes fell on the book on my coffee table. I’d spent the past few days reading it, every day finding something new that spoke to me. Each morning I cracked it open and read with my coffee in hand and each night I climbed under my covers to learn even more. The day after Leo slipped the book in my purse, he didn’t show up for work. Oliver told me he was taking a personal day and my stomach tied in knots wondering if he had fallen on a sudden change of heart. Maybe he didn’t want to hear my book report after all. His day off didn’t keep me from flipping through the rest of the pages though, marking the most enticing segments with bright yellow sticky notes. By the time I’d finished reading, the book looked ten years old. Cracked spine, earmarked corners, sticky notes and even a few water spots from when I’d attempted reading in the tub. I smiled sheepishly to myself when I remembered where that attempt had led me.
Leo’s day off was followed by one of mine—a day I’d spent making a bold trip to the local clinic, hands trembling long after I’d driven home with my same-day results. I didn’t know what would happen next or what our mutual negative testing documents would mean for us. It had been months since I’d had sex and the idea of Leo putting an end to that dry spell made my insides feel like I’d just unleashed bottled lightning. But sex aside, the most exciting thing about Leo and this swift and shocking revelation of shared desires was that the rest was completely unpredictable. Just like the moment he told me to turn around and bend over, I didn’t know what was coming next. It made me want it that much more.
Two and a half of my three years with Warren were the epitome of predictable. Even though I constantly tried to convince myself otherwise, I always knew what was coming next between us. I knew when he was lying and when he’d disappoint me. Almost every day. And I knew where I stood with him—in second place.
He’d say he’d spend the day with me. He wouldn’t. He’d say he’d call. He wouldn’t. He said he’d leave her. He didn’t. He said he loved me. He never did.
I worked to swallow the lump that had formed at the base of my throat. I’d wasted so much time and subjected myself to so much pain and I didn’t even have the marks on my rear to prove it.
I shook away the waning thoughts of Warren and picked up the white envelope sitting on top of the worn copy of my new favorite book, readying myself for the thrill of the unexpected.
***
I stilled with my hand on the coffee pot, hot breath that smelled of cool mint tickling my neck. The day had passed in a blur. The moment I walked through the door, Oliver ushered me into the office, intent on teaching me how to place orders and check inventory. By the time he took off to pick up change from the bank and run a few errands, my eyes burned from the glare of the computer screen and my head ached, overfull of new information. I’d only caught a mere glimpse of Leo through the sliver of the office door. With every passing minute, my bravery had diminished, suddenly apprehensive of Leo’s reaction and his next impulse. But feeling him at my back, knowing a little smile had to be on his face while he held me without restraint, catapulted my bravery into pure audacity and I dug for the envelope in my back pocket as I spun to face him.
The smile I accurately envisioned spread across his lips, a sight I could easily drink in as his mouth was directly at eye level. My tongue slipped out to capture my bottom lip, pulling it between my teeth. I didn’t want to lose this moment—this courage. The feelings he lit inside of me…I’d never felt so alive. Leo’s chest broadened as he inhaled smoothly and my hand flicked out, pressing the envelope to his sternum. His brows dipped together and the smile fell from his face, my hand shrinking away from him once he grasped the paper against his chest.
“What’s this?” he asked, slipping a finger under the seal, popping it open.
I scoffed and turned away from him and back to my coffee. “Oh, come on. You know exactly what it is.”
“Watch your tone.”
The deep rasp of his voice was as powerful as the sight of black leather gloves and I slowly turned my head to look over my shoulder at him and then down obediently, controlled by words alone.
He stared at the results and grinned. “I take it you’ve done some reading. We should probably talk about what this means,” he whispered.
I faced him again, warm coffee cup clasped between my palms, and felt lightning resurge inside of me. “Do we have to?”
Leo threw his head back with a laugh then wagged a finger at me. “That sharp tongue of yours could get you in a lot of trouble.”
“I hope so.”
My knees buckled at the sound of my own retort and nearly collapsed out from under me when a growl snuck out of his throat. He stepped close, taking my elbow in his grasp. “God, it’s taking everything in me not to bend you over my knee right here. I need to know limits. Did you write them down?”
His admission stole the air from my lungs and I brought the piping hot coffee to my lips, knowing words had evaded me the moment he growled at me.
“Sloane,” he pressed, his voice a thick blanket of black smoke smothering me magnificently.
“Guys, there’s a line,” Oliver snapped from behind Leo. “The caffeine break can wait.”
Leo’s eyes darkened and he took another steady deep breath, the wicked words he wanted to say stagnating in the air between us. Swallowing my coffee, I boldly turned a cheek and smiled breezily at Oliver.
“Coming,” I chirped, thankful not a hint of a tremble came through in my voice.
Pulling out of Leo’s grip, I felt a spinning cocktail of emotions flow through me as I walked away. The thrill of my bravery, the lust for our impending plans, and the puzzling but liberating feeling of joy—something I hadn’t felt course through me in a very long time.
By the time dusk fell on Salem, my insides hadn’t settled. A stolen glance from Leo or a pass by the human sexuality section—every second had my body alight with energy, the first glowing ember in the form of his primal and enticing snarl.
Oliver locked the front door behind us and headed toward his car. “Night, Sloane,” he said before setting a stare on his brother lingering at my side.
“Where’s your car?” Leo asked me.
I glanced up at him and tightened my coat around me as the wind picked up. “I walked. I always walk.”
His face contorted. “You walk here every day?”
“Yes.”
“And you walk home at night? Alone?”
I didn’t answer with words, just a tightening of my lips and lowering of my eyes, knowing he wouldn’t like my affirmative. Salem was a sleepy little town and I could take care of myself. The fresh air cleared my head, something I needed now more than ever.
Leo turned to Oliver and sighed. “I’m going to walk her home.”
“I could drive you guys…” Oliver offered.
A sudden wave of embarrassment crashed on me and I wished Oliver hadn’t driven Leo to the store today. The way he watched us worried me, like he knew something.
“It’s three blocks, I’m fine,” I whispered up at Leo pleadingly.
Another little grumble rattled inside his chest and he put a hand at the small of my back. “We’ll walk,” Leo said to Oliver. Definitely not to me.
“And how are you gonna get home?”
Leo huffed, halting before turning to his brother across the parking lot one last time. “I’ll call Ben. I’m having drinks with him anyway. He’ll pick me up. See you tomorrow.”
My eyes swept to Oliver and watched as his eyes narrowed and flickered between us. He noticed Leo’s hand at my back and I stiffened under the familiar touch. I forced a smile and willed my feet to move forward, not looking back at Oliver’s critical stare. Our first few steps were silent until Oliver’s car sped past us and we made it to the damp sidewalk.
“You didn’t have to walk me.”
I didn’t dare look at him. Those mesmerizing indigo pools had a way of catapulting me into a trance. Of course he had to walk me. This was the dynamic, I knew it. Though he was still a stranger—an acquaintance at best—I felt what he aimed at me. It was a mixture of something bordering on possessiveness but softened by what appeared to be genuine concern.
“It’s not safe. You could get hurt.”
A laugh sprung from me. “Says the man intent on leaving handprints on me.”
Leo halted and I cringed. “This is exactly why we need to talk,” he clipped.
“I was kidding,” I replied, defeated.
Leo went on without acknowledging my tiny voice. “You’re new to this, which is dangerous…because I’m not and I’ve already proven I can’t restrain myself around you.”
I nearly laughed again. Neither one of us could actually say it. He’d given me a spanking but had never mentioned it by name even when he spoke of it. He slipped me a book called Pain for Pleasure, but continued to veil what we were embarking on—a sadomasochistic relationship, most likely sexual since we’d both gone and gotten tested as though the next step was not only sex but unprotected sex. How insane was I? Clearly, I’d unearthed my masochistic, submissive side, but this was nearly negligent. Nearly. Not completely. He’d been right when he said he could read me. I didn’t know how because I’d never allowed anyone to read me before and I wasn’t sure what internal lever I pulled to drop the walls specifically for him. It was as though he willed it of me and I merely consented…
Pulling in a deep breath, I continued walking toward my apartment and blew it out in relief when he followed. “You’re right. This is new for me. But I wouldn’t consider it dangerous.”
“Sloane,” Leo barked, raising his voice and cutting me off.
I stopped and turned to him, firming my shoulders and refusing to let him silence me. Right now, we were on equal ground. “Just listen to me. I’m sure I’ll have limits—I probably have some now—but my guess is you already know them. Everything about that moment upstairs…that…scene,” I said with a pause, taking a split-second to fall under the spell of his gaze as he scraped his teeth along his bottom lip hearing me use the language we both knew. “Was perfect. But it was perfect for a very specific reason. I may not have a list of boundaries for you, but I know what I want. Spontaneity.”
He sighed and raked a hand though his dark hair. “That’s unconventional to say the least. It’s not really how it works. Thus, dangerous.”
“You say you’re not new to this, but you also said you’d never been more satisfied by what you experienced with me. Maybe unconventionality is the key.”
His silence didn’t worry me as he began walking in the direction I’d pointed us earlier, taking his time as he considered my offer. Turns out, I could read him too. As the idea festered behind his eyes, narrowed and introspective, I waited.
“Elaborate on spontaneity.”
A smile began to spread on my mouth and I shut my eyes, remembering. “Not knowing what you’d do or how you’d do it or when it would end gave me this breathtaking feeling inside…unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. I was floating. Suspended in midair, helpless, levitating in an endless spin.”
“Sounds a little terrifying,” Leo remarked.
“It was freeing.”
He shot me a glance, surprised and pensive, that morphed into a smile briefly before tightening into concern once more. “Say I agree. We don’t discuss it further, we start this and we don’t plan…” he huffed. “How will I know where to draw the line?”
“You’ll know. You’ll see it in my eyes.”
My boldness had consumed me. The fresh air, the cool breeze, and the heat of the man beside me whipped my senses into a state of vibration from which I couldn’t come down. Who was I? Leo reached for my hand, staring down at it while I reminded myself to breathe.
“I’m not sure I trust myself with the freedom of what you’re suggesting,” he rasped.
I squeezed my hand around his, butterflies unleashing in my belly with the knowledge that he’d all but agreed. “I trust you with it.”
Leo inhaled sharply and squeezed back, though his expression hardened.
“And I’ll have a safe word, jeez,” I breathed around a quivering laugh.
He lifted his face to look over me and smiled, shaking his head as he let go of my hand. I saw my answer in his eyes.
My steps slowed as we approached my apartment complex, not wanting Leo to leave my side just yet. He matched my pace and the sound of his careful breathing finally made me speak my thoughts.
“I can’t imagine going over every little will and won’t ahead of time. Where’s the fun in that? Not to mention, it’s sort of strange. It’s weird enough to think about the fact that you and I have essentially agreed you’re going to fuck me—”
“Have we?” Leo asked with a laugh, turning my way with a cocked brow.
Rolling my eyes, I shook my head as a little smile pulled at my mouth. Of course we had.
“The wills and the won’ts are important. Communication is important. Trust is important, especially between people who don’t know each other yet. It isn’t something to go into lightly.”
I held him with a glare, feeling my cheeks heat without warning. “Is that what you think I’m doing?” I asked in disbelief.
“No,” he retorted. “I’m just saying maybe we should go to—”
My temper flared, leaving no room for the end of his statement. “You’re right, we don’t know each other, and sure, I’ve never sorted out the details of sex without at least having a meal first, but I’m not going into this lightly at all. I read your fucking book, I know what could be coming. I’m not naïve and I’m not afraid. Communication is important and I’ve never been able to speak to someone without words the way I seem to with you. Trust is important and I’ve never felt, let alone resigned myself to such immediate and unfounded trust in a person the way I did with you. The last few years of my life have been sad and boring. I don’t want to be sad or bored anymore and those feelings stopped consuming one hundred percent of my day the minute you slipped on those gloves for me. And as for the wills and won’ts…you will fuck me and I won’t stop you.”
A staggering breath blew past my lips and I tongued the back of my teeth, suddenly regretting my bratty tirade. I looked right, staring hopelessly at the entrance to my building, wishing I had the guts to walk away after spewing that last bold line at him. But I couldn’t…or rather, I wouldn’t. Because my wish for the will to walk away was a lie. What I’d said to him was true; everything prior to my move to Salem had left me depressed and jaded. Even my first few months here hadn’t helped despite the distance from the things I was trying to forget. I’d struggled with this feeling as if I already knew the ending to my story…not the one I was writing, the one I was living. I felt like the end already happened and the rest of my days would just be a footnote. Something no one would read. Then came Leo. He could be my turning point and I, his open book. Leo was the plot twist I’d never intended on and my life could remain unscripted if I allowed it. Thinking about the novel I’d thrown myself into to work through the sins of my past, I suddenly didn’t care if I ever finished it. The future of this…with Leo…would be my manuscript of relief and reformation. His hands on me would be pen to paper. The look in his eyes would be my flowery prose. The changes his welcomed savage passion had already prompted showed me the freedom of blank pages—thousands of them.
I inhaled deeply and felt my heart pulsate in my chest. What if he backed out now? What if my sharp tongue had ruined this opportunity? My eyes rose to look at Leo and I stilled, taking in the way his head nodded absently, longing to know what it meant. He dragged two fingers over his lips, his thumb anchored on his jaw. With one step, he invaded my space, looming over me and triggering my obedience as I lowered my gaze.
His hand gripped my chin and lifted my face close to his, a whimper cracking at the back of my throat when I melted into his touch. “Let’s get one thing straight, you won’t ever tell me what I will do again,” he said darkly just before dipping his mouth to brush my earlobe. “And if you do, you’ll pay for it. Understand?”
My muscles twitched and I ached at the sound of his commands. “Yes,” I breathed.
His grip loosened and a smart grin took over his face. I gulped and let one side of my mouth flicker in amusement. When his brow rose in unspoken challenge, my face fell and I nodded, passing the test.
“Good girl,” he whispered.
My eyes fluttered shut, gratified by the praise, and I felt him step away. Leo turned his back to me, preparing to leave without another word when I called out to him, “What should I call you?”
“What?” he asked, looking over his shoulder before making his way to me once more.
I flushed, the question in my mind making me feel as vulnerable as his stare. “When you…when it happens again—what do I call you?”
His expression never faltered though I knew a smile was begging to form on his perfect mouth. “What do you want to call me?”
“I don’t know,” I started, tucking my hair behind my ear. “What are my options?”
“Hmm…Master?”
I shook my head barely. It didn’t fit.
His eyes sparkled and his smile turned playfully sinful. “Daddy?”
Cocking one brow at him, I shook my head again, chagrin painting me. I hated how titillating I found the potential title, fueling my internal conflict even more all while making me consider a trip to the psychiatrist. But “Daddy” didn’t suit Leo either. It was almost as though no name would do.
“Call me whatever feels right in the moment. Call me nothing for all I care, so long as you obey.”
My insides lit up the moment I watched the smile break free on Leo’s lips as he looked me up and down. Sizing me up. Drinking me in. Perhaps fantasizing about our next moment together. God, I hoped so.
I nodded as his feet led him away from me, his final command the end to our conversation, and I considered leaving him nameless. I’d only know when the time presented itself, but for now, he was simply Leo.