NICHOLAS

“Home for good, huh?” I smirk, hitting the bottoms of Nathan’s bare feet, which are lazily hanging over the arm of Mom and Dad’s sofa, his long body taking up the rest of it.

Looking like he drank two bottles of Scotch last night, my baby brother flicks a glance to me from the television. “I get fed. Mom cleans my room.”

I laugh, “Bullshit,” knowing that’s not true. “What the fuck are you doing on your ass, not showered at eleven on a Tuesday?”

“Flu.”

My eyebrows go up as I mutter, “Ew,” passing the contamination for the kitchen.

Nathan calls after me, “Give me a kiss, Nicholas!”

“Yeah, I’ll get right on that.” Nobody in here, and it’s raining out, so there’s only two places to look, and the garage door was closed when I drove up.

Nathan reaches for me as I pass him, ala zombie. “I want to show you how much I love you!”

“Sure you do,” I laugh, calling upstairs, “Dad, where you at?”

His deep voice bellows, “In the office, come on up!”

I don’t want to bother my father with this if he’s as sick as Nathan looks. Or maybe I’m just postponing the talk. “Dad sick, too, Nate?”

He mischievously grins, “Not yet.”

I stroll up the stairs, see the doors open to our old bedrooms, now turned to guest rooms plus work-out equipment. One has a screen to stream Tai Chi lessons for Mom and Dad to practice.

In the office, my father glances up from a book he’s reading in an easy chair by the window. He sets it down and I see it’s about World War II. “Nicholas,” he smiles, rising up to give me a hug, smacking my back while I do the same to his. “Lookin’ good. Unlike your brother.”

“Quarantine him.”

“I’ve got the immune system of ten men,” Dad cockily smirks, sitting back down.

I sit on the high-backed office chair opposite my father. “I meant for his mind. Whatever he’s got, you don’t want to catch.”

Chuckling, Dad brings a knee up, throws his arm on it. “Your mother would agree with you. She’s pretty upset about this new plan of his to become a firefighter. I think she was relieved when none of you joined the Armed Forces.”

Jogging my chin to the book, I ask, “What are you reading there?”

“My grandfather Jerald, as you know, was in that war.” Dad picks up the book, turns it over and concentrates on the back image of troops running across a field, shrouded in smoke. He sets it back down. “I guess I just wanted to know what it was like for him.”

He meets my eyes, his thoughtful.

Jeremy Cocker is a man’s man—his emotions don’t show often. He likes to say he keeps his dogs on a short leash. It taught us boys to be tougher. We wanted to emulate him.

When someone shows little emotion you get used to deciphering subtleties. They become more apparent, magnified.

I can read him almost as well as I can read my mother, and Meagan Cocker wears her heart on her sleeve with us kids. She openly loves us with tons of affection.

Dad’s love is expressed in the ways he shows up. Since they owned a couple of restaurants, partnered with some trusted friends, he was able to be at every game, cheering loudly from the sidelines. He’s the one who took me to New York to the actual Stock Exchange on Wall Street when I was sixteen, even though he doesn’t like big cities. When Zoe’s date got the chicken pox the day of Junior Prom, Dad borrowed a tux from Uncle Jake and went with her.

“Dad, I always wanted to ask, are you disappointed we never joined up?”

He shakes his head, staring out the window.

Unconvinced, I ask, “You sure?”

After a pause he meets my eyes. “If you’d have joined, I would have been very proud. But not more proud than I already am. But between you and I, your mother wouldn’t have been able to handle it. When she lost her brother Devin…”

“Right,” I frown. I know the story—we all do. I was even named after him, my middle name is his. “That why she’s upset about Nathan?”

“That and the money. Yale isn’t cheap,” he smirks, then rubs his face. “I’m kidding, it’s because of Devin. Your brother Wyatt already decided to put himself in harm’s way, carrying a gun every damn day, going after criminals.” Dad runs his hand through salt-and-pepper hair. “But fires are a whole other thing, aren’t they,” he exhales, glancing to the book again. It wasn’t a question. Meeting my eyes, he lowers his voice. “I’m proud as hell of him. Don’t tell her.”

Mom says, “I heard that,” poking her head in.

Dad reacts, smiles and waves her over. “Come sit on my lap.”

“Don’t have to ask me twice.” She gives me a hug first. “Hi baby. You look so handsome today.”

“Hey Mom. I like your hair.”

“Yeah?” She touches the shoulder-length layers, dyed red at the ends. “I thought I’d try something different. Saw Max’s girlfriend at Christmas and I’ve been itching to try it ever since.” Climbing onto Dad’s lap, he adjusts the easy-chair so they’re better balanced. “Hello, Jeremy. I’m proud of him, too, but I just…lawyers are safer.”

“Safe is for pussies,” he grins at her, but his eyes hold emotions in them.

She kisses him. “I know, you never believed in safe.” They look at each other with love, like I’m not here—totally normal for them.

But today it makes me rub my face and kick the floor with my heel a couple times. The unconsciously loud exhale combined with these two gestures gets both of my parents’ attention.

“Nicholas?” Mom asks, “Something on your mind?”

Glancing up in surprise—I didn’t know I was doing all that—I shrug, “Just thinking.”

“About?”

I lock eyes with Dad and he flicks a glance to Mom, saying, “Nicholas asked to speak to me today.”

“Oh!” She starts to get up. “Did you want me to go?”

Sending her away doesn’t sit right, so I hurriedly say, “No, stay. I can talk to both of you. But don’t judge me too harshly.” She frowns, getting comfortable on Dad’s lap, both waiting as I take a couple deep breaths, staring at my lap before I launch in. “Wanted to talk to Dad because…I’ve been kind of a slut.”

Mom gasps, “Is someone pregnant?”

I smile, “No, nothing like that. I wear protection. This is hard to talk about with you, Mom. Maybe suspend your shocked reactions if you want to stay and listen.”

“Okay.”

Dad smirks as he glances from her to me. “If you knew some of the things my brothers did before they got married, Meagan, you would expect this from one of my boys.”

On a small laugh she rolls her eyes, “Just one more reason I’m glad you were in the Marines. Kept you busy in other ways.”

“And it brought me to you.”

“Yes.”

“So maybe Nathan…”

“Not now, Jeremy. Nicholas is trying to talk to us.”

His eyes flicker and he kisses her shoulder, “We’ll talk about it more soon,” returning back to me. “So, what, did you catch a disease?”

Laughing I shake my head as Mom smacks him.

“I just said I wore protection.”

“I’m trying to lighten the air.”

“Diseases always have that effect,” I grin, admitting, “I feel lighter, though. So good job.”

Mom asks, “What’s bothering you?”

Taking a beat, I lower my voice, ruminating over the dilemma that’s been haunting me so badly I had to bring it to my father. “I met someone I like, someone I can’t shake yet. Took her on a date about a month ago, and it ended badly.” Rubbing the bridge of my nose, I mutter, “She called me out on my reputation.” Locking eyes with them, I correct myself, “Actually she’s done that from the day I met her. Which wasn’t that long ago. I barely know her. But there’s just something about this one. Can’t shake it. I’ve been trying to let it go.”

Dad asks, “Why let it go? Does she not like you?”

“That’s a good question,” I sarcastically laugh, adjusting my weight. “She rides my ass, which I seem to find fascinating as hell. But yeah, I think she likes me. It’s just this one thing she can’t get past.”

“She’s seen you with these girls, or what?”

Staring at him I nod. “Yeah, unfortunately.”

Mom sighs, “If she saw you with them—wait, how many are we talking here?”

“Meagan,” Dad warns.

“I’m just trying to get an idea.”

“Mom, it’s a lot. I’m not shy about P.D.A.”

She nods, “That’s a hard image to shake for a woman.”

“Apparently.” As I stare at them I huff, “Haven’t been interested in being with anyone since I met her, though. It would be easier if I was. But they all seem…”

Dad lifts his chin, “Not enough. They don’t compare.”

Mom glances to him, her eyes soft as she strokes his arm.

I exhale, “Yeah, that. But she’s still got images of them in her head and she laid down the law pretty clearly. It’s all or nothing. Fuck, this is hard.”

“Why is it so hard?” he asks. “Why not just trust your gut?”

“Because my gut tells me I should have called her a month ago, and now I look even more like a dick. I tried ‘nothing’ and now the other option is ‘all’? That’s really rough to get my head around. Did you guys, I mean…did you have hesitancy like this?” Hurrying to cover my tracks I add, “Not that she’s the one or anything, I’m only saying—”

“—You want to give it a shot and see where it goes,” Dad offers, his voice deep, thoughtful.

“I think I want that.”

“Why don’t you tell her?”

“What if it doesn’t work out?”

“Then it doesn’t, and you move on.”

Shaking my head I stand up, start to pace. “See, that’s the thing that’s stopping me. If it was just me I was worried about, I wouldn’t hesitate. But I don’t want to hurt her. She’s special. Really down-to-earth. Honest. Not like the girls I’ve hooked up with who were happy being superficial. Hell, I didn’t even get most of their names!”

Mom blurts, “Nicholas!”

Pointing, I remind her, “No judgment if you want in on the boy’s talk, Mom.”

“Sorry.”

“You know what she told me? She hasn’t been with many guys. I have a feeling it might be one or two, because she’s not even into makeup or anything. Just a natural beauty hidden under some baggy clothes. Well, until our date, then, damn, that dress!” I rub my chin and glance to my parents. “I’m thinking aloud.”

Dad’s smiling, and Mom is, too. Seeing their amusement, I sit back down, lean forward in earnestness. “If we date and she falls in love with me, then what if I break her heart? I can’t do that to her. I really couldn’t stand that. I mean, I’ve thought about it, and I know I would hate myself forever.”

Mom stands up, comes over to me and runs her hand down my cheek, lifting my jaw a little as she warmly smiles at me. “Honey, if you’re that afraid of hurting her, then you won’t. Because you already care for her a great deal. She might hurt you, though. And that’s okay. You can put yourself out there, heart and soul, and give it your best shot. Be courageous. That’s where the miracles are.” She goes to leave the room, saying over her shoulder, “Jer, I’ve intruded enough already on boy’s time. Talk to your son. I’ll get out of your way.”

He gets up and walks over, kisses her. “I love you, Meagan.”

“I love you too, Jeremy.” She kisses him one last time before she leaves and he shuts the door.

Dad smirks to me, jogging his thumb in her direction, “You see what your mom just did there?”

“Yeah…I mean, no. Wait, what are you talking about?”

Crossing his arms he cocks his eyebrows. “She told you what you needed to hear, then gave me credit. Like I could top that with anything I could say to you right now. After this, she’ll act like I’m the one who helped you. And if anyone asks…” Shaking his head he glances to the door. “Your mother’s a good woman. She understands a man’s ego.” Walking to his book, he wonders, “Did I ever tell you the story of Grandpa Jerald and your Grams?”

Searching my memory I shake my head. “Don’t think so.”

Turning it over he smiles, “Remind me to someday.”