MADISON

My front door opens and I flip my pillow onto my head burrowing deeper into the comfort of warm blankets. I’ve piled them high, in the fetal position, no light coming in. I’m back in the womb here. When times were simpler. When someone else was paying the bills.

How am I going to make rent?

I called my parents to ask for help, but I hung up before they answered. Turned my phone off three days ago. Don’t want to talk to anyone. I feel so ashamed for letting the kids down. For not quitting sooner. For not saving enough money to handle an emergency situation like this. I’m not a big spender, but I also didn’t make enough to get ahead.

I was a good nanny.

I’ve studied so hard.

What am I going to do for a living?

“Maddie?” Denise calls, voice filled with concern as it has been more and more each day.

I hear the bedroom door creaking slowly open.

“Maddie,” she whispers. “Are you sleeping?”

“I just want to be left alone though, okay? You can go home now. Thank you for walking him.”

A deep voice says, “Madison, it’s Nicholas.”

My breath hitches and I push the pillow harder down on my head as my heart starts racing. “What? Go away!”

“Madison,” he repeats, his voice gentle and closer. “She told me what happened.”

A knot forms in my throat, tightening by the second. “Go away.”

“Hey, come on,” he whispers as the bed dips under his weight on my left side. “Give us a minute, Denise.”

The closing of the door tells me she agreed.

I croak, “Traitor!” and moan as tears gather, “Don’t see me like this, Nicholas, please!”

I feel his hand on my hip, pressing firmly, the touch of a friend. It’s a struggle to stay composed, to be strong. I don’t have any fight left in me. I begin to quietly cry. His calming touch stays here while I break down. He lies down atop the blankets, moving to spoon me, his face pressed into the pillow that’s over my head. “Shh, it’s going to be okay. I’m here now.”

My voice is hoarse, halting. “I’m so scared!”

“I’ve got you, Maddie. I’m right here. He can’t hurt you anymore.” Nicholas gets under the blankets and wraps his arms around me, “I’ve got you, Slugger,” spooning my shaking body as a fresh release of tears stream. We stay like this for a long time, until my tears finally subside.

“Thank you,” I whisper, sniffling.

He rises up, leaves the room. “I’ll be right back. Just getting you some tissues. I’m not leaving, okay?”

Seconds later I hear the door clicking shut and the bed dipping as he sits down and taps my cocoon with the box.

Pushing the blankets back and my pillow aside, I slowly sit up and see him for the first time. It’s jarring, him so handsome and familiar, gazing at me with those beautiful eyelashes half-mast in kindness. I’ve never been shy about blowing my nose in public. When you’ve gotta blow, blow. But I feel very weak and self-conscious, so it takes me many tissues to finally clean up. “Were you at the gym or something?”

He glances to his running shorts and athletic shirt, drags a hand through hair that dried wet without combing. “Ran into Denise and Bucky at Piedmont.” Laying his hand on my calf, layers of blankets between us, his forehead twists, voice tormented, “I’m so sorry I didn’t call you earlier.”

“It’s okay,” I sniffle, reaching for another tissue. “You weren’t supposed to.”

“Yeah, I was.”

“Why? We didn’t leave it—”

He touches his chest, “—In here I knew I wanted to call you.” Dropping his hand, he frowns at the wall, giving me his profile. “I have strong feelings for you, Maddie, and I didn’t know what to do about that.” Meeting my swollen eyes he rasps, “I can’t stop thinking about you. And I understand why you didn’t return my phone calls, but now that I know what you’ve been going through, I wish I’d tried harder. I wasn’t going to stop calling, but if I’d have called earlier, or just come over—”

Squinting with confusion I ask him, “Phone calls?”

“I called you twice.”

“When?”

“The last two days.”

My shoulders slump. “Oh…I turned my phone off.”

He nods. “Can’t blame you.”

“I would have called you back.” I blow my nose again, rubbing it as I stare at him. “Maybe.”

He smiles, “Still have that sense of humor.”

“Can’t remove spots from a leopard.”

“What if the spots were just mud, and he bathed?” Nicholas rubs his chin with his thumb, staring at the blankets. He reaches down and picks at them while he asks, “What if underneath he was really just a jackass?” Neither of us say anything for a second. He continues picking, voice quiet as he confesses, “When we were on that date, I was all for going home with you. Totally forgot about my promise to earn your trust, but not because I just wanted sex. I felt very connected to you since the night of that fire. I wanted to be even closer. It was just a guy’s way of bonding. Because for me, that night, it wasn’t the same as…with those other women you saw me with, when I didn’t know you. That date was my attempt at giving this a shot because I’d searched for you for three months and I knew something had happened to me when I met you.” He pauses, laying his palm flat as we both stare at it. “Truth is, I haven’t been with anyone since the fire.” He meets my shocked eyes. “Didn’t see that coming, did you, Slugger?”

I start to speak, but can’t.

He rests his hand on my calf again, glancing over at the dark curtains. “Hard to see anything in here, though.”

“I might just be a novelty.”

He laughs, “Oh, you’re definitely a novelty. You know what my dad said to me once?” With an impression of his father, he recites, “Our dad, your grandfather, taught us to be real men. And your Grandma Nance, she told us to hold out for a different kind of woman. That’s what I want you to do, Nicholas. Hold out for a different kind of woman.” His eyes flicker, voice changing back to his own. “That’s you, Maddie. You’re different. And I guess I need that, because I need you.”

Mystified, I choke, “Really?”

All those times I saw him, plagued with the weird feeling that he was supposed to be with me, and here he sits on my bed, while I look like this, saying those instincts were right?

“Come here.” He gathers me up.

“My breath is terrible!”

As I press my wrist over my mouth, he grins, “I was just going to hold you.”

Crumbling, I encircle his beautiful neck and burrow into it, shoulders shaking again.

“It’s okay, Slugger, let all your fears wash away now. I’m going to make this right.”

Buried in his salty skin I whisper, “You just did!”