Two weeks later…
“Alannah?”
I looked at my ma.
“Yeah?”
“Bear, I’ve called your name three times.”
I blinked. “Sorry, Ma, I just have a lot on me mind.”
A hell of a lot.
“What is goin’ on?” she asked me, gently. “Please don’t tell me nothin’ because I know it’s somethin’, baby.”
I bit the insides of my cheeks to keep from crying.
“I just had a big fallin’ out with Damien and the others.”
“Even Bronagh?”
I grunted. “Yeah, even Bronagh.”
“Oh, my God,” Da said from my right. “It must have been a hell of a fight for you and Bee to fall out.”
“You’re tellin’ me.”
“D’ye want to talk about it?” Ma asked, resting her hand on my shoulder. “We’ll listen.”
“Honestly, I just need time away from all of them,” I admitted. “I’m okay, I promise; it’s just somethin’ I have to work through meself, ye’know?”
“Yeah, love,” Da said from my left. “We know.”
I glanced at him and smiled when he winked. I looked from him to my ma, and though I was still scared for her future, of waiting for her to start radiation for her cancer, and then waiting to find out if worked, I was prepared for it. We would fight her illness together as a family, no matter what came our way, no matter what it took, we'd tackle it together.
Things between us had gotten so much better since that day in the hospital after my ma got her surgery. A few days ago, they got even better after my parents sat me down, and my ma admitted to knowing that da was cheating on her. He had planned to wait until she finished radiation to speak to her about it, but he felt so guilty that he told her one night when they were lying in bed, and she replied with three words, “I already know.”
I was blown away, and my instinct was to react with anger at her for sticking around when she knew my da was breaking their vows, their trust, but my ma explained to me that she knew that my da knew it was all a mistake before he even realised it himself. She told me that people make mistakes and hurt those we love, and that is what makes us human. The ability to be less than perfect.
My ma said she could have packed my da’s belongings and kicked him out, but what good would that have done either of them if they gave up on their marriage without a fight. I argued that the fight was lost the second my da strayed, but once I saw how much my da regretted his actions, I realised my ma was right, and that we were all lucky she was so caring and wise.
Some things were meant to be forgotten, and others were meant to be fought for.
My ma didn’t react to a situation at the drop of a hat like I did; she took a step back and considered everything, and especially the outcome. I didn’t. I acted on whatever emotion I was feeling at the moment, and when I thought about that, it made me think about what happened with my friends.
Instantly, I put up a wall and shut them all out without giving them the chance to explain what Morgan had told me. I was angry and hurt. I still was, but now that I had time to sit back and think about everything, I realised I only had one side of five different stories.
I knew I had to go see the group and hear them out, but doing that was a lot harder than I thought it would be. My heart was hurt. I felt so insufficient and kept wondering if something was so untrustworthy about me that it made everyone lie to me. I had always thought I was a nice person, someone anyone, especially my friends and partner, could confide in, but I wasn’t.
Bronagh and Damien’s betrayal hurt the worst. Bronagh was my best friend, someone who I thought shared everything with me, as I did with her, but knowing she willingly kept what happened from me cut me deep. Damien’s betrayal hurt in an entirely different way. I loved him. I loved him more than I should for the time we were together, but I couldn’t change that.
What I feared happening from the very start had taken place. Damien and I had ended, and I was in more pain than I was the first time around because this time, love was shared, a deep connection was shared. I couldn’t sleep, I barely ate, and when I tried to work, all I did was sketch and paint Damien’s face. He was on my mind constantly … and so were the things he and my friends had done.
Murder.
They had murdered people. Took the lives of other human beings. No matter how long I sat and thought about it, no matter what way I looked at it, I could scarcely believe it to be the truth. The people I knew were loyal and fiercely protective, they were some of the best men I had ever known, and to learn of them committing such acts of horror completely blindsided me. If I hadn’t heard them admit to such deeds, I would have never truly believed Morgan.
Morgan, who had kept his word. He left my apartment and not returned. I received an email from him letting me know he was deleting his account but had transferred all my client emails to my inbox, as well as a detailed explanation on how to keep my system in order. I didn’t delete the message because I knew I would need it , so I didn’t fall back into my previous disorganised ways, but when I thought of Morgan, I felt so foolish. I couldn’t believe I’d let a stranger into my house, someone who could have truly hurt me, and was none the wiser. I told myself what came to be was never something I could have ever imagined but being tricked by him left a sour taste in my mouth.
The whole situation did.
“Alannah?”
I looked at my ma and blinked.
“I’m sorry.” I sighed. “I’m not with it at all today.”
She put her arms around me and gave me a hug.
“Isn’t it Jax’s birthday today?”
My shoulder’s slumped. “Yeah, he’s one.”
“Are you goin’ to drop by and see ’im?”
I shrugged. “I don’t want his day to be turned into a big argument, so I was goin’ to go up to Kane and Aideen’s apartment and leave his card and gift outside so they could give it to ’im for me.”
A lump formed in my throat knowing I was goin’ to miss his big day, but I kept myself in check. My parents said nothing, probably sensing my emotional mood on the subject. They quickly changed the subject back to something mundane, then two hours later, I found myself back in my apartment complex and walking up the stairs to Kane and Aideen’s apartment.
I had my large gift bag in my hand that had small toys, two outfits, some sweets, a portrait I drew of Jax from a recent picture I took of him and a handmade card. When I was outside the door, I could hear the kids inside, and I heard a lot of other voices as well which almost stopped my heart.
It was after seven, so I didn’t expect anyone to be still at the party that I knew Aideen and Kane were holding for Jax. I received my invite in my postbox in the lobby a week ago. I quickly put the bag down outside the door, rang the doorbell, then turned and briskly walked down the hallway, back towards the stairwell. I knew ringing the doorbell was a mistake the second I realised just how far away the stairwell was from the apartment. I heard noise from behind, then, “Alannah, wait!”
I froze and turned around in time to see Kane bend down and pick up the gift bag. When he looked at me, he smiled tentatively and said, “Come in and see the birthday boy. He misses you.”
I scowled. “Usin’ that baby against me is low, even for you.”
Kane shrugged. “I never said I was going to play fair.”
I didn’t move.
“Come in and see Jax,” Kane urged. “You don’t have to look or talk to anyone else.”
I hesitated, but the need to see Jax beat out the option to run away.
“Five minutes, then I’m leavin’.”
Kane smiled as I walked toward him, then stepped back as I entered the apartment that was like mine, just way bigger.
“Living room.” He gestured with his hand. “He’s in there.”
And so was everyone else, I found out the second I entered the room and found all eyes were on me. The first person I locked eyes on was Damien, and my knees nearly buckled when I saw the state of him. His eyes were bloodshot, his skin a little pale, and though he looked put together, he was anything but.
I dropped my eyes, and looked at no one else, until squeal and screech sounded. I smiled when the kids realised I was in the room. I silently took Georgie from her mother because she was screaming in delight for me to do so, and I did the same with Jax because he was having a nervous breakdown that I held his cousin and not him. I kissed Locke who was in his uncle JJ’s arms and grinning at me like the little stud he was.
I sat on the floor with the kids and kept my focus completely on them. I could see Christmas decorations around the room, and it was a reminder that I hadn't even unpacked mine. After everything that happened, it just didn't feel like Christmas.
“Birthday boy,” I cooed to Jax as I tickled his sides. “You’re one today!”
He screamed, and everyone chuckled at his response.
When he kissed my face repeatedly, Dante said, “He takes after me. Definitely.”
I looked up at him and said, “Shut up, you.”
He grinned like a fool but did as ordered. Kane hunkered down next to me and placed my gift bag in front of Jax. Instantly, he tore into the bag, and it made me laugh for what felt like the first time in forever. I carefully took the portrait from him when he studied it closely and handed it to Kane.
“It’s just somethin’ I did,” I mumbled. “It’s nothin’, really.”
“Me arse it’s nothin’,” Gavin said from across the room. “It looks exactly like Jax. You’re so bloody good at drawin’, Lana.”
“He’s right, Alannah,” Kane said. “It’s beautiful. Thank you.”
I shrugged and looked back at the kids as everyone fawned over Jax’s portrait while he focused on the toys I got and ignored the clothes, while Georgie discreetly took his sweets, making me grin.
“You’re so pretty,” I told her and tugged at the pink tutu she wore. “The prettiest girl in all the world.”
She smiled at me, and the tooth that had cut through her gums a few months ago was longer now and had another two for company. I sighed, leaned in and kissed her, then Jax, before I climbed back to my feet.
“I have to go,” I said to no one. “I’ve a lot of work to do.”
That was a lie. I had completed the entire month’s worth of projects in the past two weeks because they distracted me from my life.
“Hey, wait a second,” Gavin said, crossing the room. “Look at me.”
I did and frowned. “What?”
“Are you okay?” he asked, leaning in, squinting his eyes at me. “Are you stoned?”
“I wish.” I snorted. “I just haven’t been sleepin’ very good, that’s all.”
“Are you sick?” he questioned. “You look like you’ve lost weight since I saw you last.”
I had, twenty pounds to be exact. A broken heart took away my appetite.
“I have, but I’m fine.”
Gavin stared down at me until I rolled my eyes.
“What do you want me to say?”
“I want to know what’s goin’ on,” Gavin countered. “Aideen said you had a fallin’ out with everyone, and I want to know why. I hate when people keep secrets.”
I laughed. “You’re the last person to talk about secrets.”
Gavin froze.
“Exactly,” I said, ignoring everyone’s eyes one me.
“What does she mean, Gav?” Harley asked his little brother. “You have a secret?”
Gavin glanced at his brother, then back at me and groaned.
“Yeah.” He nodded. “One I asked Alannah to keep even though she hated every second of it because it meant she had to keep it from you lot.”
“Don’t worry about them,” I mumbled. “They don’t share the same sentiment when it comes to secrets.”
“Alannah,” Bronagh said from my right, making me bristle. “Please, talk to us.”
“I have to go.”
“Not until Gavin says whatever it is you both know.”
I focused on Gavin after Dante spoke. “Go on, tell them.”
Gavin inhaled, then exhaled a deep breath and said, “I got a woman pregnant.”
As sharp intakes filled the room, I laughed, clapped my hand on his shoulder, and said, “Good luck, buddy.”
“I’m gonna redden your arse for this later.”
I walked out of the room shaking my head, and when I heard footsteps behind me, I calmly said, “Go away, Damien.”
“How’d you know it was me?”
Because I can sense you.
“Just had a feelin’ it was.”
He hesitated. “Please, talk to me. I miss you so much.”
I closed my eyes.
“Give me more time.”
“How much more time do you need?” he impatiently inquired. “Jesus, Alannah, I’m going fucking crazy without you. I know you are, too. I know you love me as much as I love you. I know you do, freckles.”
My heart pounded in my chest.
“You’ve lost weight, and I can tell by your eyes that you haven’t been sleeping.” He continued. “I hate that you are feeling this way because of me.”
“Not just you.”
“It’s all because of me,” he stressed. “Everything that happened is my fault.”
What does he mean by that?
My hands began to tremble.
“Damien, give me more time.”
“Okay,” he relented softly. “Okay, but please, take care of yourself if you won’t let me do it for you. I love you, Alannah.”
I left Kane and Aideen’s apartment then and hurried down to mine. I made it inside and closed the door behind me before I broke down and fell into a mess of tears. This was killing me. Feeling so dejected and ruined was killing me. I wasn’t sure how long I cried for, but when Barbara mewled from inside the kitchen, I pulled myself together and got on with my nightly routine. I fed Barbara, cleaned out her litter tray, then changed into my work clothes and got back to working on a new painting of Damien.
I had just got his inquisitive grey eyes perfect when my doorbell rang. My instinct told me it was Damien, so I put my things down and went to answer the door. I pulled it open and said, “Damien, I … You’re not Damien.”
“No,” Kane answered. “I’m much better lookin’.”
I opened my mouth to talk but couldn’t think of anything to say.
“Cat got your tongue?”
I cleared my throat. “You’re the last person I expected to see.”
“Does that mean you’ll let me in?”
“Why?” I questioned. “D’ye want to have a starin’ contest?”
His lips quirked. “No, I want to talk to you.”
“Like a conversation?”
“Yeah, like a conversation.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Are you capable of that?”
“Ha-ha-ha, you’re hilarious.”
I turned and walked into my sitting room. I knew Kane followed me the second my apartment door closed. I sat on my settee, pulled a throw blanket around my body, and switched on the television. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Kane take a seat on the settee facing me.
“How are you holding up?”
“Surprisingly well considerin’ me so called friends are a bunch of lyin’ rat bastards.”
Kane whistled. “You’re hurtful when you’re mad.”
“Good,” I quipped. “I hope I make you cry.”
We both knew I couldn’t make Kane cry, but the thought alone made me feel better.
“Alannah.” He sighed. “We all love you; it’s why we did what we did.”
“You love me?” I repeated with a laugh. “Kane, you can barely tolerate me.”
“That was when you were a kid,” he corrected. “You came into me life at a time when I was just used to being in my brothers’ company. When Dominic and Bronagh hooked up, everything changed. Ryder and Branna got together, then Alec met Keela, and I found my Aideen. I’m quiet, and I sometimes can’t handle being around everyone all at once, but if I had to choose someone, apart from Aideen, to be stuck in a room with for a week flat, it’d be you.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re you.” He shrugged. “You’ve never made me feel uncomfortable or made me feel like I had to strike up a conversation to keep things from being awkward. All of the other girls have made me feel like that at some point even though they don’t mean to, but not you. You’re easy to be around.”
“Easy to manipulate and lie to, you mean.”
Kane shook his head.
“No, you’re a good person. You’re so … chill. I like being around you.”
“I don’t like bein’ around you; you’re a liar.”
Another sigh. “I’m sorry.”
I didn’t respond.
“I truly am.”
I looked at him, and he looked to be sincerely sorry, and that made staying angry with him very hard.
“You’ve all really hurt me.”
“I know we have, Lana, but you have to believe us when we say it was to protect you.”
I swallowed. “None of this feels real, Kane. I can’t believe you have all done the things Morgan said you did.”
“His name isn’t Morgan.”
“I know,” I grumbled. “It just feels weird to call him the other name.”
Kane nodded in understanding.
“I’m not going to explain what he has told you,” he said. “I’m just here to convince you to give the man who needs to do that the chance to do it.”
I looked up at the ceiling.
“He’s still in your apartment?”
“Yes,” Kane answered. “Aideen’s dad left before you arrived. Dante has taken Jax and Locke for a sleepover, Keela went home to put Georgie to bed since she and Alec are babysitting her tonight, and Ryder brought Branna home with the twins. He is back in my place.”
“Why has everyone stayed?”
“We’re hoping you’ll give Damien a chance to talk, then hear the rest of us out.”
“What if I say no?”
“I’ll tell the landlord you’re being a bad neighbour, and he might kick you out.”
My lips parted in shock.
“You arsehole, why would you do that?”
“Because I’m tight with him.”
“You … you are?”
“Extremely.”
This was news to me.
“Who is he?” I demanded. “I never knew you knew ’im.”
“He’s, well, me.”
I blinked. “Excuse me?”
“I’m the landlord.”
I didn’t speak.
“I am,” Kane pressed. “I own this building, and four more like it throughout Dublin. I own the community centre that’s being knocked down during the summer and rebuilt so I can open it as a youth centre to target kids prone to ending up in gangs and steer them away from that life so they can focus on their education and future.”
My jaw practically hit my lap.
“You don’t know this because it was another fucking secret, but we’re done keeping them from our family, and you are our family, so you have a right to know.”
Still, I couldn’t speak.
“When Damien has been helping me, it was looking at other locations to build apartments. He wasn’t doing anything illegal. He was just helping me and didn’t tell you because I asked him not to. I’m sorry if I made you doubt him.”
I closed my mouth and just stared at Kane.
“Let me have it,” he said. “Scream, shout, do what you must.”
I raised a brow. “I’m not goin’ to scream and shout at you.”
“You’re aren’t?”
“No, I rarely scream and shout at anyone.”
“You really aren’t like the other girls.”
I frowned. “I know I’m nothin’ like them.”
“Hey.” Kane frowned. “That is not a bad thing. You’re a cool girl, Lana. So chill.”
“You’ve called me chill twice.”
“Because you are.” He shrugged.
I looked at my fingers before I realised something and looked up at Kane with widened eyes.
“Oh, my God,” I croaked. “I knew this apartment was too good to be true. You’re rentin’ it to me way cheaper than it’s worth because I told Aideen I couldn’t afford the rent increase at me old place and—”
“Hold it,” Kane cut me off. “I own the building. I can rent to my tenants at whatever price I want.”
“Bullshit,” I snapped. “You’re rentin’ it to me for eight hundred a month because you pity me.”
“Alannah,” he deadpanned. “If that’s the case, I’m renting to all of Aideen’s brothers because I pity them. They’re my family; you are my family. I give you a discount just like I give them a discount.”
I raised a brow. “You rent apartments to all of Aideen’s brothers?”
“Dante is moving into this building next week,” Kane explained. “JJ and Harley, too. This place is going to become a whole lot more interesting, that’s for sure.”
“Do not put Dante or Harley on this floor,” I warned. “I’d lose me mind and kill them in their sleep.”
“Noted,” Kane teased. “I’ll keep them far away from you.”
I was amused but didn’t smile.
“Gavin still lives at home with his da, does that mean that he doesn’t get an apartment? That wouldn’t be very fair since you’re givin’ them away like Oprah. You get an apartment, and you, and you, and you.”
Kane laughed and fighting off a smile became a whole lot harder.
“He isn’t living at home anymore as of an hour ago,” Kane said with a shake of his head. “After Gavin dropped the baby bombshell, Aideen demanded that he move into one of the apartments in this building so she can help him when his baby is born. I’ve also put his baby’s mother in the apartment opposite him. Aideen got her number from her brother, phoned her, and apparently, the woman is staying at a friend’s place, something about family troubles. She accepted the apartment before Aideen could finish asking her if she wanted one. Both Gavin and this woman are going to have it tough raising a kid they didn’t plan, especially when they hardly know one another. I help people when I can, Alannah … I guess I’m trying to make up for all the wrong I’ve done in my past.”
Admiration filled me.
“I’m proud of you,” I said. “Saying that when I’m angry at you tastes like vinegar.”
Kane smiled, and I loved what it did to his marred but still very handsome face.
“It means a lot to hear you say that.”
“It does?”
“Yes, because I know you don’t know the reasons we did the horrible things you were told, so knowing you’re proud of what I’m doing shows your true character. You’re a good girl. A good woman. And my brother is a lucky bastard to have you.”
I felt my cheeks burn with heat.
“Are still threatening to kick me out if I don’t talk to said brother?”
“Yes.”
“Arsehole.” I scowled. “You’ve gone mad with power.”
Kane’s grey eyes lit with amusement
“Can I go and tell him you’ll speak to him? Please say yes. The kid is pleading for another chance, Alannah. He loves you so much he can’t function without you. Trust me, I’ve seen him over the past two weeks, and he is a mess. He literally needs a good woman like you.”
Damien needed me just like I needed him.
“On one condition.”
“Name it.”
“You let me keep Barbara even though no animals are allowed in the buildin’.”
Kane snorted. “Done.”
Before I could overthink a reason not to, I said, “Go get ’im then.”
I was dreading what he was going to tell me, but I needed to hear it, and I had a feeling that whatever it was, Damien needed to say it as much as I needed to hear it. For once, I was going to push my fear of the unknown aside to do what I feared the most and face my hurt head-on. I didn’t know what the outcome would be, but I could do nothing but hope and pray for the best.
What’s meant to be, will be.