Four hours ago, I found out my ma had breast cancer. After the initial shock, my parents explained to me that it was detected at an early stage. Treatment would start soon, and the success rate of remission was higher, too. None of that comforted me because, at the end of the day, my ma had cancer, and the only purpose of cancer was to kill its host.
That host was my mother.
I had stayed in my parents’ house talking and crying as I tried to come to terms with this life-altering news. When my ma began to show signs of fatigue, I made an excuse that I had to leave so I could go home and prepare for my business interview the following day. It pleased my ma because she wanted me to carry on as normal, but from the look in my da’s eyes, he knew better.
I found myself outside the front door of Bronagh and Nico’s house not long after I left my parents. It wasn’t very late, closing in on nine p.m. I had to park on the road because Kane’s car was in the driveway next to Nico’s, and Ryder’s car was behind both of them, leaving no room for anyone else. Even though I had a key, I knocked on the door and waited.
Keela opened the door, and she smiled wide when she saw me, but slowly, her smile fell from her face.
“What’s wrong?”
I couldn’t answer her; I walked by her and heard her shut the door behind me and quickly follow me into the sitting room where everyone was. And by everyone, I mean everyone. Jax was asleep in his da’s arms, and Locke was asleep in his ma’s. There was no sign of Georgie, so I assumed she was already up in her bedroom asleep in her cot. Nico had her baby monitor in his hand, so he could see her and hear her if she woke up.
“Well, well,” Alec announced when his playful eyes landed on mine. “Look who decided to show her face.”
I didn’t spare him a glance; instead, I focused on my best friend whose eyes were on me as she slowly got to her feet.
“Alannah,” Bronagh said slowly, drawing to everyone’s attention that I wasn’t okay. “What’s wrong?”
For a moment, I couldn’t speak, and then, somehow, I managed to say words that I knew would plague my dreams.
“Me ma,” I rasped as I prepared to say the words no child ever wanted to say. “She has cancer.”
Everyone sucked in shocked breaths, but that didn’t surprise me. What did surprise me was that the first person to reach me, to gather me in their arms and hold me wasn’t Bronagh. It was Damien, and at that moment, there was no other place I wanted to be.
I put my arms around his waist and buried my face in his chest as sobs erupted from me. I wasn’t sure how long I stayed in Damien’s embrace, but eventually, he moved me to a now empty settee. He sat on my left with his arm still tightly around my waist while Bronagh sat on my right. Leaning her head against mine, she hugged me.
“What happened?”
“I went around to their house for dinner, like I do every Monday.” I wept. “I went early today because Dante and Damien had a fight in the garage, and I didn’t want to go home and be on me own after that ... I wanted to see me ma, so I went around and helped ’er with dinner.”
Damien gave me a squeeze, and I knew it was a silent apology for his fight with Dante.
“We had the best laugh we’d had together in a long time.” I smiled, my lower lip wobbling. “She was takin’ the piss out of me and was ’er usual happy self. That changed after dinner when ’er and me da sat me down in the sittin’ room.”
Another squeeze from Damien.
“I knew it was somethin’ bad,” I said, recalling the worried expressions on their faces. “At first, I thought somethin’ might have happened to me grandparents or Brogan. Nothin’ could have prepared me for what they were goin’ to tell me. I wasn’t expectin’ them to say she had breast cancer. I had no clue. None.”
Bronagh placed her hand in mine and held it tightly.
“When they told me, and me ma left the room to clean ’erself up, I just went off on a mad one at me da.”
Bronagh gasped. “Did you confront ’im about the affair?”
“I did; everythin’ I’ve kept inside just boiled over.” I swallowed. “I told ’im I’d savage ’im like an animal over it, too.”
Silence.
Bronagh stroked her thumb over my hand. “What’d he say?”
“That he regretted it.” I snorted humourlessly. “That the second he found out me ma had cancer, he ended it. That the possibility of losin’ ’er made ’im realise how wrong he had been and that she is the only one he could ever love and want.”
Damien murmured, “You don’t believe him?”
“No,” I answered. “I don’t. If he loved ’er in the first place, he would have never looked at another woman, much less have a relationship with ’er. He swore to God that they never had sex, but even if they didn’t, he still cheated on ’er. He broke the vows he made to ’er.”
“Does your mom know?” Alec inquired.
I looked at him and shook my head, drawing a frown from him.
“He begged me not to tell ’er.” I snivelled. “He said we need ’er to focus on gettin’ better, and if I tell ’er, it won’t help that.”
“That manipulative bastard!” Aideen scowled. “He is usin’ the situation to hide his mistakes.”
I solemnly nodded. “I know, but as much as it pains me to admit it, he is right.”
“How so?” Bronagh quizzed.
“If I tell me ma about the affair, it’ll break ’er, and I don’t think she’ll want to beat ’er cancer.”
“Of course she will,” Damien spluttered. “She’ll want to live.”
“You don’t understand,” I cried. “She adores me da. She is so in love with ’im, Damien. If I tell ’er, it’ll ruin ’er.”
Silence.
“Whatever you decide to do,” Bronagh reassured. “We’ll fully support you.”
“Thanks,” I acknowledged. “That means a lot.”
“I’ll make tea,” Branna announced.
This was one situation that tea couldn’t make better.
“No,” I quickly said, “I’m not stayin’.”
She frowned at me. “But, Alannah—”
“I really just want to go home, Bran.”
Branna’s frown stayed in place as she nodded at me.
“I thought you were supposed to have the babies by now? On Monday, when I saw you last, you said you were gettin’ induced in four days’ time, but that has come and gone.”
“Me doctor changed me dates last minute. I’m thirty-eight weeks now, so anytime to have them is a good time.” She placed a hand on her large stomach. “I’m gettin’ induced this Friday for definite if I don’t go into labour before then.”
I smiled. “That makes me shitty day much better.”
She winked at me, but she couldn’t hide the worry I knew she felt for me. I didn’t want to worry her further so I stood, the action causing Damien and Bronagh’s arms to fall away from me. “I better get goin’.”
Everyone was frowning at me, and I hated it. I didn’t want anyone’s pity, but I knew I received it tenfold.
Bronagh stood. “I’ll walk you out.”
I said goodbye to everyone, and she grabbed my hand when we reached the front door.
“What am I goin’ to do?” I asked her. “I can’t lose ’er, Bronagh. I can’t.”
“You won’t,” she said firmly. “There isn’t a chance your ma won’t beat this.”
“But there is,” I whimpered. “There is a chance she won’t survive.”
“Look at me,” she ordered, and when I did, she leaned in and kissed my cheek. “She will be fine.”
I nodded, repeating that over and over in my mind.
“I’m comin’ to stay the night with you,” she added. “Give me a minute to get clothes.”
“No,” I told her. “Stay ’ere with your family. I know I’ve had plenty of it, but bein’ on me own when things get too much for me is just what I need.”
She wasn’t happy with my decision, but she didn’t argue with me. He did, though.
“Excuse me, Bee.”
Bronagh moved aside when Damien stepped into the hall, and I stepped back when he approached me.
“I’m staying the night.”
I was sure my eyebrows reached my hairline.
“Excuse me?”
“You have a spare bedroom,” Damien said, his grey eyes locked on mine. “I’m sleeping in there.”
I looked at Bronagh, and she looked as shocked as I felt, but she said nothing. I turned my attention back to Damien. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
He shrugged. “I’m still staying the night.”
A part of me was shocked at his boldness while another part of me liked it. A week ago, if he had made such a demand, I’d have argued with him until I was blue in the face, but tonight ... I had no fight left in me. I didn’t want to argue with him anymore, so I relented.
“Okay.”
Bronagh almost fell over at my acceptance, but she said nothing. She stood mute as she glanced back and forth between Damien and me.
“Good,” Damien said with a nod. “I don’t need anything, so we can go.”
Robotically, I said goodbye to Bronagh, hugging her tightly before I turned away from her, then along with Damien, I walked down the pathway and climbed into my car. I put my key in the ignition, buckled my seat belt, but before I put the car in gear, I looked at Damien in the passenger side of the car.
“Is this a good idea?”
He focused on me.
“Just for right now, forget everything that was said between us last week, and everything that happened today. I know mountains need to be moved for us to make things right, but tonight, let me be there for you. Please.”
It was the first time in a long time that I didn’t need to have my arm twisted to be in Damien’s company.
“Thank you,” I told him. “I’m not sure how I’m feelin’ right now, to be honest with you, but I really appreciate you wantin’ to help me.”
“I’ve got you,” he said, the promise in his words not going amiss. “You’re my freckles.”
Those three little words wrapped themselves around my hurt heart, and to my immense surprise, they made me feel a tiny bit better.
I looked forward, then back at Damien. “Can you drive?” I asked. “I’ll put us in a ditch. Me mind is elsewhere.”
We switched positions, and in a comfortable silence, he drove us to my apartment and parked my car in its designated spot. As we headed up to my home, Damien let me lead the way because he had never been in my apartment before. I knew he’d been in Kane and Aideen’s, but he’d never been on my floor, so he wasn’t sure which apartment was mine.
As we neared my apartment door, I felt his eyes on me, so I glanced over my shoulder, and to my surprise, Damien’s eyes were on my behind. He looked up at me, as if sensing my gaze on him, and instead of being embarrassed by being caught ogling, he simply grinned at me and shrugged his broad shoulders.
I quickly turned my gaze forward, feeling my cheeks burn.
When we entered my home, I flicked on the lights and went to turn the central heating on. When I entered the kitchen, Damien already had the kettle plugged in and was filling it up with water. I left him be and went into my bedroom to change into pyjamas. I had just finished changing when, out of nowhere, I burst into tears. I covered my face with my hands and sobbed. My ma’s face filled my mind, and the thought of losing her was unbearable.
It hurt.
I was so lost in worry and devastation that I didn’t even flinch when the mattress dipped next to me and arms wrapped around my body. Damien went one step farther; he pulled me on his lap and cuddled me against him. I could hear him whispering words into my ear, but I couldn’t make them out over my cries. He held me and I let it all out.
“I’m sorry,” I wept. “I don’t mean to be such a blubberin’ mess.”
“Hey,” Damien said firmly, pressing his lips against my temple. “If you need to cry, then cry. I’m not going anywhere.”
I shouldn’t have been comforted by that statement, but I was.
I wasn’t sure how long we stayed like that—me crying and Damien consoling me—but eventually, I sat upright and took a deep breath. I had to get it together. Whenever something went wrong in my life, my reaction was to cry and feel sorry for myself, but it was a chain that I had to break. I looked at Damien, and with the light of the hallway, I could only partly see his face. Without thought, I reached up, and tugged at his hair.
“When we were kids,” I murmured, “I was convinced you bleached your hair.”
When he smiled, my breath caught.
“Why?”
“Because.” I shrugged, dropping my hand. “You have the same face as Nico but a different hair colour. I figured you weren’t identical if your hair was really this light when his was so dark.”
“Do you not think we’re identical?”
I considered that then answered, “Yes and no.”
“Explain.”
“You both have the exact same face,” I began, “but when I look at you, I don’t see Nico. It sounds stupid, I know, but whenever you wore a hat in school and tried to fool other people, you could never fool me.”
“Hmm,” Damien mused. “I remember that. You’d always be so pleased that I couldn’t trick you.”
I nodded. “I’d be chuffed.”
Damien gave me a squeeze, and he leaned his forehead against mine. My heart began to pound at the contact, and my body began to tremble at the small action of intimacy.
“You were perfect to me then,” he whispered. “And you’re perfect to me now.”
I closed my eyes.
“We should go out into the sittin’ room.”
“Before we get in trouble?”
At the mention of the word trouble, I was brought back to our night together when I asked him to get into trouble with me just before we had sex. I sobered, opened my eyes, and got to my feet.
“Yeah,” I answered. “Before we get into trouble.”
Earlier today, I lost all rational thought when Damien was close to me. It resulted in a toe-curling kiss that only confused me about him even more than I already was. If I had another moment like that in a bedroom with him, trouble would definitely take place. I wasn’t stupid enough to pretend otherwise, and I wasn’t stupid enough to think I was emotionally stable to handle it.
Damien didn’t object to us leaving the room. I think he needed to clear his head too, which was why he didn’t fight for more to happen between us at that moment. I always thought he was level-headed, but for some reason, he seemed to give in to his instincts around me, just like I gave in to mine when I was with him.
I didn’t know what to make of it.
“Do you want some tea?” he asked as we neared the kitchen. “I turned the kettle on.”
I chuckled.
“What’s so funny?” he asked, and I heard the smile in his voice.
I entered the kitchen, leaned against the counter, and folded my arms across my chest as I turned to face him.
“Askin’ if me or the girls want some tea is somethin’ you and your brothers say a lot,” I mused. “I think you’ve all been corrupted.”
“Tea calms you women down,” Damien teased. “That’s the only reason we offer it so much.”
I smiled and shook my head, amused. I watched as Damien made me a cup of tea, and I was surprised when he added three sugars and just the right amount of milk without needing to be told. I wondered if he’d watched me make myself tea in Branna or Bronagh’s house before. The idea of him observing me caused a shiver to run the length of my spine.
I grabbed some biscuits and plates while Damien made himself a cup of tea too, then carried both cups into the sitting room. Once everything was sat on my coffee table, I turned on the television and busied myself with it for something to do. I was suddenly very aware that Damien was in my apartment, and I didn’t know what to think or how to feel about it. For the longest time, I had been so keen on blocking him out, but tonight, I didn’t want that.
I wanted him there.
“Alannah?”
I startled. “Yeah?”
“Talk to me,” Damien said, flattening his hands on his thick thighs. “You look like you’re going to freak out.”
“Do I?” I blinked. “I feel fine.”
He raised a brow. “Don’t lie.”
My shoulders slumped as I raised my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them.
“This past week, I’ve been tellin’ meself there was a reason we’ve ended up the way we have,” I began. “I have to remind meself of what happened between us; otherwise, I’ll do somethin’ stupid.”
“Something stupid ... like kissing me back when I kiss you?”
I swallowed. “Precisely.”
“Alannah.” Damien sighed as he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. “I’m going to wait until you’ve had time to absorb your mom’s news, but I want you to know that what happened between us is our past, but it doesn’t have to be our future.”
I groaned and rested my forehead atop my knees.
“What does that even mean?”
“It means,” he continued, “that things change. People change. Situations change. Just because something bad happened between us before doesn’t mean it’ll happen again.”
That was a mighty big if.
I leaned my head back, resting it on the large cushion behind my back.
“I’m scared,” I said out loud.
“About your mom?”
“About everythin’,” I answered. “Me ma, me business ... you. Just everythin’.”
“Right now, we’ll just focus on your mom. Mending things between us can happen later, and so can dealing with your job.”
I closed my eyes at the mention of work.
“I have an interview with a lad who applied for me assistant job tomorrow. I blew ’im off last week, and I can’t postpone the interview again because I’m worried he’ll bail. He was the only person who applied, and accordin’ to his previous experience, he really knows what he is talking about, and I need that. I need someone to deal with the business side of things so I can sketch and paint.”
“Okay, so once you get the interview out of the way, you can breathe a little better?”
I nodded.
“Then we prep for that,” he said, rubbing his palms together. “What do you need help with?”
I didn’t answer. I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling.
“Why are you ’ere, Damien?”
“I told you in the car,” he answered. “You’re my freckles.”
“I don’t know what that means.”
“It means I’ve got you. Always.”
I looked forward and found him staring at me intently.
“I don’t know why,” I said to him. “I have no idea why you’d want anythin’ to do with me. I’ve been horrible to you from the moment you came back to Ireland.”
“Are you kidding?”
I deadpanned. “Do I look like I’m crackin’ jokes?”
“That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard you say then.”
My mouth dropped open. “Excuse me?”
“To question why I’d want something to do with you doesn’t make sense to me,” he answered. “You weren’t being horrible; you were being guarded. There is a difference.”
I looked down. “I’ve been horribly rude to you.”
“And look how upset you are knowing that,” he said softly. “You aren’t a mean person, freckles. You don’t have a bad bone in your body, so when you resemble anything close to rude, everyone knows you have a damn good reason to behave that way.”
“And you think me reason was justified?”
“And then some.” Damien nodded firmly.
I rubbed my head. “I can’t tell if you’re lyin’ or not.”
“I don’t lie when it comes to you.”
At that, I snorted.
“Everyone lies about somethin’.”
“I’ve told one lie regarding you, and it’s the biggest lie I’ve ever told and my biggest regret.”
I could hear my heartbeat in my ears.
“What was the lie?”
Damien blew out a breath. “Are you ready to hear this?”
No.
I barely managed a nod.
“The biggest lie I’ve ever told was that night in Darkness when I told you I didn’t want to keep you.”
It’s not that I can’t keep you, Lana; it’s that I don’t want to.
My heart slammed into my chest, and my mouth dried up. Words that had haunted me for years, were suddenly untrue and held no meaning. I didn’t know how to process that.
“You didn’t know it would span into this.”
“No,” he agreed, “but whether it was for days or years, I still hurt you, and I hate myself for that.”
I frowned. “Well, I don’t hate you.”
The look of surprise on Damien’s face was one I’d never forget.
“You don’t?”
“Damien,” I began. “If I truly hated you, then I wouldn’t have been so upset over everythin’ that happened between us. I’ve just been mad at you, at the situation. That can seem like hate sometimes, but it was just anger.”
“Was anger or is anger?”
“I’m not sure.” I swallowed. “I know you’re sorry for everythin’, you’ve said it enough times and showed it enough since you came back, but I just can’t click me fingers and pretend everythin’ is okay. I wish I could, but I can’t.”
“It’s okay,” Damien said, licking his lower lip, his eyes never once straying from mine. “I’ve got the time to wait for you to decide.”
I blinked. “To decide what?”
“Whether you want to be with me.”