“Alannah?”
I looked up. “Huh?”
My ma smiled at me.
“Hon, I’m talkin’ to you.”
She is?
“Sorry, Ma,” I said with a forced chuckle. “I was miles away.”
She came to my side and nudged me. “Is it a man who’s got you thinkin’ so hard?”
I looked at her, and the second I saw her devilish smirk, I laughed.
“You’re such a child,” I teased as I diced the chicken breasts.
“That wasn’t an answer,” she said, waggling her brows.
I shook my head, amused.
“Yeah, it’s about a man,” I said then clarified. “Two men, actually.”
“Two?” Ma whooped. “Gerrup ow’ da.”
I put down the knife, leaned my head back, and laughed until my sides hurt. She rarely spoke in slang, but when she did, it cracked me up.
“It’s not as excitin’ as it sounds,” I assured her, still chuckling. “It’s actually the complete opposite.”
“Tell me everythin’.”
I was glad my ma was the type of mother that I could tell everything to, and for that reason alone, it killed me even more that I was keeping my da’s affair from her. I told her everything, but I couldn’t bring myself to put that on her shoulders. I’d rather it be my burden to carry than hers.
“Ye’know Damien Slater, right?”
“The little shite who took your virginity then up and fled the country when you were eighteen?”
My lips quirked. “Yup.”
“What about ’im?”
“I told you that he came back from America not long before Jax was born,” I added. “Right?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, what I haven’t told you is that he’s been tryin’ very hard to make up for what he did when we were kids. He’s been really nice to me and hasn’t done anythin’ to upset me. He’s given me space and has been an all-round gentleman.”
“But?”
“But.” I sighed. “I’m terrified that somethin’ bad will happen again if I let ’im in. The last time, we weren’t even a couple, and he really did a number on me. I’m scared that even bein’ just his friend will hurt because if he got with another woman ... it’d kill me.”
I couldn’t deny my romantic feelings for Damien anymore, not after the kiss we shared at his job. I knew that deep down I had always harboured feelings for him, but after we fell out and he left, my mind did everything possible to cover up those feelings. I guess I believed if I denied how I truly felt about him, then I would get over him.
That clearly hadn’t worked out too well.
“So, you don’t want to be Damien’s friend or anythin’ more because you’re scared of gettin’ hurt, but you also don’t want ’im to be with anyone else ... because that would also hurt you.”
I closed my eyes. “It sounds so stupid when you say it out loud.”
“It’s not stupid, hon,” Ma assured me as she wrapped her arm around my waist. “It’s just unfortunate that the person you care for is the person you’re also terrified can break you.”
I opened my eyes.
“I wish I could click me fingers and get over everythin’ ... it’s just so hard. A voice in the back of me head reminds me of how hurt I once was because of our actions when we were eighteen. What if I got over everythin’ and gave ’im a chance, and then everythin’ went wrong? I can’t imagine how much it’d hurt if I loved ’im and lost ’im. I get anxiety over it.”
“I understand that, and that worry is completely valid ... but it’s also no way to live your life. Worryin’ about somethin’ that may never happen is like takin’ a sip of poison each day. Nothin’ good will come from it. The only person you’ll be hurtin’ is yourself.”
“I know.” I nodded. “I know.”
“What about the other lad?” Ma asked as she reached down and smacked my behind.
I yelped as she went over and sat at the kitchen table.
“The other man.” I sighed. “Is Dante Collins.”
“Any relation to Aideen?”
“Oh, only ’er older brother.”
Ma whistled. “Well, you fucked up there, love.”
I shouldn’t have laughed, but I did.
“Want to know the worst part?” I quizzed. “I was with ’im in private, and no one knew about it except Dante’s brother Harley ’cause they’re each other’s soundboard, but everyone found out when I told Damien after he asked me out for lunch last week.”
“Oh, shite.”
“Oh shite is right.” I snorted. “I’m good with Aideen, though. I worked up the courage to speak to ’er about it this afternoon.”
“That’s good,” Ma said. “Why ’er older brother, though?”
“Well, Dante is exactly like Damien used to be. He doesn’t understand the word commitment, and he is way too handsome and charmin’ for his own good.” I continued to dice the food. “I wanted to see if I could have a purely physical relationship with ’im without developin’ an emotional attachment.”
“You did a sex test on the man?”
“Ma,” I groaned. “Don’t say it like that. You make it sound creepy.”
“Sorry.” She snorted. “Go on.”
“I just wanted to prove to meself that me age was the sole reason Damien affected me the way he did.”
“But you’re twenty-four now, and you still feel the same hurt over Damien, and the same attraction ... right?”
I grunted. “Right.”
“So, your age wasn’t the problem; you just had a strong connection with the lad.”
Another grunt. “I guess so.”
“So, your sex test with Dante really wasn’t all that necessary.”
“Ma.”
“What?” She chuckled. “I’m only sayin’.”
I shook my head.
“About the test, though,” she continued. “It wouldn’t really prove anythin’ unless the sexual subject was Damien. You can have sex with many men and leave them, but you wouldn’t be able to prove anythin’ unless you had sex with Damien and left ’im. He is the one who got you all tied up in knots in the first place, so you’d have to experiment with him to see if your theory was accurate.”
My mouth dropped open.
“That’s exactly what Bronagh said!”
Ma grinned. “I always said she was a bright girl.”
I shook my head. “I’m not havin’ sex with Damien just to prove a theory.”
“Why not?” Ma quizzed. “You had sex with Dante to prove it.”
She was a smartarse, but a smartarse who made total sense.
“That’s enough talkin’ about who I have sex with, thank you very much.”
Ma laughed, and it brought a smile to my face. I loved her laugh.
“It’s all so interestin’, though,” she continued. “Two men and only one of you.”
“It’s worse because Damien and Dante never really got on.”
“And now they hate each other?”
“Pretty much,” I said. “They fought today over me.”
“Hold on,” Ma said with a snap of her fingers. “So, you’ve be sleepin’ with Aideen’s older brother, and no one knew about it, but now everyone knows about it, and the man who you clearly have feelings for knows, and hates the older brother, and fought ’im over you?”
“Basically.”
Ma clapped her hands together. “This is like an episode of Maury!”
“Ma!” I tittered. “This isn’t funny.”
“Of course not,” she said, folding her hands on her lap. “Please, proceed.”
“There is nothin’ else to say.” I shrugged. “Me and Dante are goin’ to be just friends, and Damien wants to talk to me tonight about everythin’ that’s happened between us, but after seein’ them both fight over me ... it’s left a bad taste in me mouth.”
“Two gorgeous men fightin’ the other to win your heart is romantic, not tasteless.”
I rolled my eyes. “You read too many romance books.”
“Blame Keela,” Ma countered. “She recommends all them to me.”
I chuckled. “Have you read her book yet?”
“Yes, it’s wonderful. Have you?”
“No,” I answered. “She’s so protective over it. She has so much self-doubt; she thinks we’ll laugh at ’er if we read it. She finished it ages ago and is no closer to publishin’ it.”
“It’s ’er baby.” Ma soothed. “It’s a project she has put blood, sweat, and tears into. It’s normal for ’er to be scared, but she shouldn’t let the fear of people dislikin’ it keep ’er from publishin’ it.”
“Have you told her that?”
“Of course,” Ma answered. “It’ll register with ’er eventually. She just needs time. Rome wasn’t built in a day, after all.”
“I hope I am as wise as you when I’m older.”
“Stick with me, kid.” She winked. “I’ll rub off on you.”
I laughed. “The chicken is ready.”
Together, we finished preparing dinner, taking turns cooking and seasoning the food. In the thirty minutes it took us to get everything ready, I had never laughed so much in my life, and that was a big deal, considering how often Alec Slater cracked me up. But my ma? She was on a whole other level of funny.
“Me sides are killin’ me,” I said as I set the table.
Ma snorted. “I think we both needed that laugh.”
“I know I did.”
I felt better. After the week I had, and the current day especially, it was nice to forget about everything and just laugh with my ma. She always knew what to say and do to make me feel better. We continued to tell jokes and laugh ... until the front door opened.
“I’m home, love.”
I looked up at my ma and watched as a huge smile broke out across her face as my da entered the house. She quickly adjusted her apron and ruffled her hair and ran out to the hall to meet him like she was sixteen and her boyfriend just randomly stopped by for a visit. If I didn’t know what a piece of shite my da was, I would have thought his relationship with my ma was perfect, but it was one-sided. My ma adored him, and he repaid that love and admiration by sleeping with another woman.
It made my blood boil.
“Alannah, love,” Da beamed when he entered the room, his arms still around my ma as she hugged him tightly, her face buried against his chest. “You’re ’ere early.”
There was no way on God’s green earth that I was telling him the real reason I was here early, and I knew my ma wouldn’t either.
I shrugged. “I wanted to spend some time with Ma.”
He smiled, looked down at my ma, and gave her a kiss. My fingers flexed before balling into fists. I wanted to savage the man like a wild animal for his deceit and leave nothing left for the birds to pick at, and the only reason I hadn’t already done it was because of my ma. She was the only reason.
“Are you ready for food now?” Ma asked my da, leaning back so she could look up at him.
She was my height—five-foot-five—and my da was six-foot-four. He was super tall, and was called lanky more times than not by my ma. For some reason, my mind compared him to Damien because they were the same height. It annoyed me further because I wished that I could say that Damien would never cheat on a partner, but after witnessing my da cheating on my ma, it faulted my trust in all men.
Da nodded. “Starved.”
“Perfect,” Ma chirped, removing her arms from him and turning to the food. “Go wash up, and I’ll dish the food.”
My da didn’t need to be told twice; he headed out of the room, removing his coat and suit jacket as he went, and hung them up in the hall on the coat rack. I left him to use the upstairs bathroom to wash up while I waited for my ma to finish at the sink so I could use it. I didn’t want to be on my own with my da—I was afraid of what I would or wouldn’t say to him if I was.
“What’s that face for?”
I looked at my ma. “Huh?”
“You look like you’ve swallowed somethin’ sour,” she joked.
“Just starvin’ for this dinner. It smells amazin’.”
“Sit down,” Ma shooed. “I’ll dish your plate first.”
I did as I was told and took my seat at the table. My ma put a steaming hot plate of chicken stir-fry in front of me, followed by some rice. My da re-entered the room, and she did the same for him, before joining us with her own plate of food. We bowed our heads as my ma thanked God for our meal, and when she was finished, my da echoed her amen.
I remained mute.
“How was your meetin’?” Ma asked my da, starting the conversation.
“Pretty good,” Da answered, taking a bite of his food. “This quarter was better than our last, so sales are improvin’ steadily.”
I tuned out while they discussed business. I didn’t care about my da’s job, or him in general, so sitting and listening about his day was not at the top of my to-do list. However, to keep face, I had to endure it. No matter how sickly mad it made me.
“Alannah.” I looked up when my name was called.
I swallowed the bite of food in my mouth.
“Huh?”
“I asked how your interview went last week,” Da said. “Ye’know, the person you wanted to hire to run your graphic business online, so you could focus on the designs you needed to create.”
I stared at my da for a moment, surprised he remembered my interview, or that he took an interest in my work at all. I considered telling him to fuck off, but that would only cause problems.
“I had to reschedule,” I said, looking at my plate as I scooped more food onto my fork. “It’s takin’ place tomorrow instead.”
I practically shovelled my food into my mouth, hoping that would deter either of my parents from asking me any more questions. Luckily, chatter for the remaining thirty minutes of dinner was between my parents, and I only had to give one-word answers when they threw a question my way. Afterward, I put all the dishes in the dishwasher and cleaned the kitchen, then I joined my parents in the sitting room. From the second I entered the room, I felt like something was off.
I paused by the doorway.
“Come in, hon.” Ma smiled, though I could see it was strained. “Sit.”
She gestured for me to sit on the settee that faced them, so with a raised brow, I did as she asked.
“Is everythin’ okay?”
My parents shared a look, and instantly, I knew the answer to my question was no.
“Ma?” I prompted. “What’s wrong?”
She looked at me. Her eyes were now filled with tears, and it caused my stomach to churn.
“Oh, God,” I whispered. “Is it Nanny? Granda? Brogan?”
“No, no,” Ma quickly said, wiping her eyes. “Everyone is okay. Nanny, Granda, and Brogan are perfectly fine.”
Brogan was my cousin, and she was only six years old. She had lived with my grandparents since her parents, my auntie and uncle, passed away in a house fire when she was only a few months old. They lived in County Offaly, so we only saw them occasionally, but I was relieved to hear they were all okay.
“Then what’s wrong?” I pressed. “And don’t tell me nothin’. I can see it in your eyes, Ma.”
My da grabbed my ma’s hand when she broke down, and my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach.
“Oh God,” I said to myself, gripping the settee cushion just so I had something to hold onto.
Whatever it was my parents had to tell me, it was bad.
“I’m sorry,” Ma whimpered. “I don’t want to be a blubberin’ eejit. I promised meself I wouldn’t cry.”
“Hey.” Da frowned at her. “You’re nothin’ of the sort; you can’t help your emotions.”
I stared at them and just about exploded.
“Tell me what is goin’ on!” I demanded. “Right now.”
Ma sniffled. “We need to tell you somethin’, but please, don’t be scared.”
I looked from my ma to my da and back again.
Is this about his affair? Does she know? Are they about to tell me about it?
“Before we tell you anythin’,” Ma said with as stern as an expression as she could muster, “I want you to sit and listen until we’re finished talkin’. I don’t want you to worry.”
I was beyond worried.
“Tell me,” I almost choked out. “Please.”
Ma’s lower lip wobbled, and after a pregnant pause, she said, “I’m sick.”
My heart stopped.
“Sick?”
She nodded and sniffled, fresh tears splashing onto her cheeks.
“How sick?” I asked, my voice barely a whisper. “How sick are you, Ma?”
“I haven’t been feelin’ very well these past few weeks, so I went to my GP about it, and he advised me to go to the hospital to have some tests done after he found somethin’ durin’ an examination.”
What’d he find?
I placed my hand over my mouth and stared at my ma with what I knew was terror in my eyes. My stomach twisted in knots, and I began to tremble.
“You’re okay, though, right?” I asked, my voice cracking. “It’s nothin’ serious?”
She looked at my da, and her tears continued to fall as he pulled her tightly against him and wrapped his arms around her.
“Da!” I almost growled his name. “Tell me.”
He locked his eyes on me, and I saw sorrow dwelling within them.
“Cancer,” he rasped. “Ma has breast cancer.”
The air was knocked from my lungs the second he spoke the words. Loud noise filled my ears, a pain took root in my chest, and a disgusting sensation of nausea hit me like a tonne of bricks.
“No,” I whimpered. “No, she doesn’t.”
My ma broke away from my da and came over to me when I broke down. We wrapped our arms around each other and just held on for dear life as we cried. My ma was swaying me, trying to calm me down, when I should have been the one comforting her and assuring her that everything would be okay. The crying made her feel uneasy, so she excused herself to the bathroom to gather her bearings and clean herself up.
I had to force myself not to be sick.
“When did you both find out?”
“Last Tuesday,” Da answered.
My posture went rigid. My ma had cancer, and he knew about it, and he still ... he still was cheating on her.
“It’s goin’ to be okay, love—”
“Don’t touch me!” I slapped my da’s hand away when he reached for my hand.
His mouth dropped open in shock as he looked at his hand like it was a second head.
“Love.” He frowned. “What’s the matter?”
“Ye’know fuckin’ well, you piece of shite.”
He choked on air. “Alannah!”
“I know,” I said, my jaw setting.
“Ye’know what?” he demanded, lowering his voice and glancing at the doorway. “What are you talkin’ about, Alannah?”
I wanted to thump him for looking so bemused; he had no right to pretend he was in the dark.
“I know about that tramp you’re seein’ behind Ma’s back!”
I watched as the blood drained from my da’s face, and an expression close to terror took hold.
“Yeah,” I sneered. “You’d better be afraid.”
“Don’t tell ’er,” he pleaded, his eyes darting from me to the doorway and back again. “Not now.”
“You’re sick,” I told him. “You’re lower than low.”
“I know.” He nodded, swallowing. “I know.”
“Why?” I demanded, a lump forming in my throat. “Why would you ever want someone other than Ma? That woman worships the ground you walk on.”
“I know she does,” he clipped. “I know, okay? It was a moment of weakness.”
I sat back, and laughed humourlessly.
“Alannah,” he pleaded, his hands now shaking. “Please, don’t tell your mother.”
“I could kill you,” I said, my fingers flexing as I balled my hands into fists. “I could kill you right ’ere and now, and I wouldn’t feel a single shred of remorse.”
My da stared at me, his eyes unblinking.
“Bear—”
“Don’t you dare call me that!”
He flinched at the coldness in my tone.
“Please, baby,” he croaked. “Please, I’m so sorry.”
“I hate you for this,” I continued. “I hate you.”
His Adam’s apple bobbed, his skin paled, and I could have sworn I saw his heart break right in from of me. He had to clasp his hands together to stop them from shaking.
“I’m so sorry.”
I lifted my chin. “You’ll never be sorry enough.”
“I ended it,” he quietly exclaimed. “The day I went to the hospital with your ma, and we found out she was sick, I ended it. It’s taken possibly losin’ your ma to make me see she is the only woman I have ever loved and will ever love. She is me first priority, and next to you, she is me entire world. She is, Alannah. I swear to you. I love ‘er more than life.”
I glared at him, hate flowing through my veins like blood.
“Don’t tell ’er,” he repeated. “I’m beggin’ you.”
“You don’t deserve ’er.”
“You’re right, I don’t,” Da frantically agreed, flicking his eyes towards the doorway every few seconds. “But please don’t say anythin’. She needs to focus on ’er upcomin’ treatment and beatin’ this sickness, Alannah.”
Anger surged through me.
“How dare you!” I snapped. “How dare you use ’er struggle to keep me quiet!”
“Alannah!” Da almost growled. “Hate me as much as you want, but don’t put your ma through any more pain than necessary.”
“Me?” I whispered incredulously. “I’ve done nothin’! You’re the cheatin’ wanker stickin’ his dick in another woman.”
My da’s jaw dropped. “I have never had sex with Olivia.”
Olivia. That was the tramp’s name.
“I don’t believe you.”
“On me life, I didn’t, Alannah.” He swore. “We kissed, and touched, but it never went as far as sex. It doesn’t excuse anythin’, and it is still a complete betrayal of your ma’s trust, but your mother … she is the only woman I have ever been physically intimate with. It’s been her since I was seventeen.”
“It was her until you met that tramp.”
Da’s whole body slumped.
“I will forever be sorry for breakin’ your ma’s trust. I will, Alannah, but please, think about what tellin’ ’er will do to ’er when we need ’er to be at ’er strongest.”
I began to shake with temper.
“You’re a coward,” I told him. “You’re a fuckin’ coward.”
He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “I know.”
I heard footsteps descend the stairs, and I felt my da’s eyes burn into me with one last plea to keep my mouth shut. I ignored him and focused on my ma as she entered the room. Her eyes were only slightly red, and she had a smile back in place on her beautiful face. She looked directly at me and found I was already staring at her. She came to my side, sat down, and placed a hand on my knee.
“We’re goin’ to get through this,” she told me, her back straight. “There is nothin’ the three of us can’t beat together.”
The three of us … together. Fuck.
When she hugged me, I looked directly at my da, and when I gave him a slight nod, he practically deflated with relief. I turned from him, closed my eyes, and focused on my ma. I would keep my da’s harrowing secret from her for a little bit longer because he was right about one thing—we needed her to focus on beating her sickness, not on him breaking his vows.
“I love you so much, Mammy.”
She squeezed me tightly. “I love you more, baby.”
Fear wrapped itself around me.
Please God, I thought. Don’t take her from me.
I had never known complete and utter helplessness until that moment.