Chapter 12
May
May 16, 2009
AHall80: Hi
RubyMars: Hey.
AHall80: You good?
RubyMars: Yes. You?
AHall80: Yeah
AHall80: How’s the job hunt going?
RubyMars: Fine. I got more commission work.
AHall80: Ice-skating costumes?
RubyMars: Yes and some dog clothes.
RubyMars: Thank you for asking.
AHall80: What’s wrong?
RubyMars: Nothing.
AHall80: Something’s wrong. What is it?
RubyMars: Nothing.
RubyMars: Everything is fine.
AHall80: Ruby
RubyMars: Aaron.
AHall80: Ruby
RubyMars: Aaron.
RubyMars: I’m fine.
AHall80: I can tell something is wrong.
AHall80: You’re barely responding
AHall80: And when you are it’s not like you
RubyMars: ….
AHall80: …
AHall80: What is it?
RubyMars: Nothing.
AHall80: Would you tell me?
RubyMars: I’m just trying not to say anything that’s going to piss you off.
AHall80: Piss me off?
RubyMars: Yes.
AHall80: What are you talking about?
RubyMars: You were being all weird on our last IMs and you didn’t write me back for almost two weeks. I e-mailed you twice and nothing. You were pissed off. I don’t have to see your face to know. You aren’t the only one who can tell when something is up.
AHall80: I wasn’t pissed
RubyMars: You’re going to insist you weren’t pissed at something?
AHall80: ….
RubyMars: Was it something with your ex?
AHall80: No. Not at all.
RubyMars: …
RubyMars: Okay, fine.
RubyMars: If something was bothering you that has nothing to do with me, that’s okay. You can talk to me about it if you want to, you know. But you were being weird and you know it.
AHall80: I wasn’t being weird.
RubyMars: Whatever you say.
RubyMars: You only disappeared for two weeks for no reason. I watched the news. I know there wasn’t a reason for a blackout. I was worried something had happened to you.
RubyMars: We’re friends. You don’t owe me anything. All I wanted was to not do whatever it was that I said or did last time.
AHall80: You didn’t do anything, RC
RubyMars: ….
AHall80: Serious
RubyMars: All right.
RubyMars: I missed talking to you.
RubyMars: That’s all.
AHall80: I was busy
RubyMars: Okay.
AHall80: I missed talking to you too, all right?
RubyMars: Okay.
AHall80: …
RubyMars: …
AHall80: I’m leaving pretty soon from the looks of it, but I’ll make sure to try and let you know before we ship out so you don’t worry.
RubyMars: Okay.
AHall80: …
RubyMars: Be safe.
Ahall80: You too. Bye, Rubes.
RubyMars: Bye.
* * *
May 21, 2009
AHall80: Hey
RubyMars: Hi.
AHall80: You still mad at me?
RubyMars: I was never mad at you.
AHall80: I was never mad at you either
RubyMars: Okay.
AHall80: Serious
RubyMars: Are you sure?
RubyMars: I know I’m always complaining about people being mean to me, but I can handle the truth.
AHall80: Yes I’m sure
RubyMars: Okay then.
AHall80: For real?
RubyMars: What?
AHall80: That’s all you need and you’re like “okay”?
RubyMars: ….
RubyMars: Yeah. Why wouldn’t I? You’re not lying to me, are you?
RubyMars: I already asked you a bunch of times if anything was wrong, you had your chance.
AHall80: No
RubyMars: Okay.
RubyMars: That’s what I figured. If you were upset about me doing something, I’d hope you would tell me. If there’s something you want to talk about, you can tell me anything too.
AHall80: Yeah
AHall80: I know
RubyMars: Then we’re good.
RubyMars: I didn’t mean to flip out on you last time. I’m sorry.
AHall80: You didn’t flip out
AHall80: Much
RubyMars: :)
RubyMars: We’re all right then?
AHall80: Yeah
AHall80: I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. I didn’t mean to put anything on you. Sorry for scaring you. I hadn’t thought about it.
RubyMars: I get it. I’m sure you do. It’s okay.
RubyMars: How’s everything?
AHall80: Good. Ready to get the hell out of here
RubyMars: I bet.
AHall80: Hey, what’s happened with your sister?
RubyMars: Nothing at first, but her coach called my mom a few days ago and said that one of the younger skaters told her that they’d seen Jasmine at the rink busting her butt, trying to do some jumps before people started showing up. It’s too early to say victory, but I think it’s a good sign. Yesterday I heard her running on the treadmill in the garage.
AHall80: Good, that’s great
RubyMars: I think so. :)
RubyMars: I’ll let you know what happens.
RubyMars: I thought about e-mailing you, but I didn’t.
AHall80: I noticed.
RubyMars: Har har har
RubyMars: I didn’t get any e-mails from you either, buster.
AHall80: :]
AHall80: You’re the only one I’m still messaging. I already said bye to my two other HaS matches, and my family and friends know I’ll let them know as soon as my flight is off.
RubyMars: You’re making me feel special.
RubyMars: If you’re trying to suck up to me for ignoring me for two weeks, it’s working.
AHall80: None of them make me laugh like you do
AHall80: I’m not trying to suck up. :]
RubyMars: Sure you aren’t. :)
RubyMars: Speaking of… I’ll tell you something funny that happened a couple of days ago.
RubyMars: My allergies have been really bad lately, and I haven’t been taking any medication. I was at my older brother’s condo helping him paint and we had the windows open. I’d been holding in my pee because he was busy doing the bathroom. I sneezed so hard I peed myself. A lot. So much. There was no way for me to hide it. He laid down on the floor when I told him what happened, covering his face with his hands.
AHall80: ….
RubyMars: Funny, huh?
AHall80: Yes
AHall80: Yes
RubyMars: :) Luckily he has a washer and a dryer in his condo. He promised not to tell anyone, and luckily he still hasn’t, so I’m holding out hope he doesn’t blurt it out one day while he’s drunk.
AHall80: I wouldn’t do that to my sister.
RubyMars: He would, lol.
AHall80: You’re not worried I’ll tell somebody?
RubyMars: No. You wouldn’t do that to me.
RubyMars: How is your sister anyway?
AHall80: She’s good from what I heard last e-mail. My brother said she’s back to acting like normal.
RubyMars: I’m happy to hear that.
AHall80: Me too
AHall80: Have you gotten more work?
RubyMars: Only a little, but one is a big job. One of the local theaters reached out to me two days ago about doing costumes for their play. Their usual costume designer quit unexpectedly and hasn’t finished them, and I said I could finish her work. I have three days before costume rehearsals, but I’ll trade sleep for money.
AHall80: How’d they get your number?
RubyMars: One of the actors is friends with my big sister. :)
AHall80: Whatever works
RubyMars: That’s what I said.
RubyMars: Anywho, have you heard anything else about Scotland?
AHall80: Nothing new yet
AHall80: Ready to go
AHall80: The new unit showed up already. I’ll be heading out any day now
RubyMars: Air conditioning everywhere!
AHall80: Plumbing
RubyMars: Beer!
AHall80: Pizza
RubyMars: Clean clothes!
AHall80: No sand
RubyMars: No mice!
AHall80: No mosquitoes
RubyMars: Smaller chances of dehydration!
AHall80: :]
AHall80: You’re something else
RubyMars: Something good?
AHall80: Very good
RubyMars: :)
AHall80: My bad on the last few weeks.
AHall80: I missed talking to you too
RubyMars: Nobody told you you couldn’t talk to me.
AHall80: Way to lay down the guilt trip
RubyMars: It’s the truth, isn’t it? :)
RubyMars: I’m just messing with you.
AHall80: Nah, you got a point. It is the truth.
AHall80: My bad
RubyMars: I know, it’s fine. I forgive you.
AHall80: You forgive everyone, don’t you?
RubyMars: For the most part. Holding grudges takes too much energy and time.
RubyMars: I don’t want to live my life pissed off, you know?
AHall80: I know.
AHall80: Huh
RubyMars: We’re still the platonic version of Ruron.
RubyMars: If you want.
AHall80: …yeah
AHall80: I gotta go, but I’ll write you before I head out. I’ve got this feeling it’s any day now.
RubyMars: Okay. Be safe. If I don’t hear from you before you leave, have a good flight and make sure you take a book with you to read when you aren’t snoring away.
AHall80: Har har
AHall80: I missed talking to you.
AHall80: Bye, Ruby Cube
RubyMars: Bye, stalker
* * *
May 25, 2009
AHall80: Tell me something
RubyMars: I fell down the stairs today. I was wearing socks and my heel just slipped on the edge. It’s a miracle I didn’t break my arm.
RubyMars: My butt was like a stack of dominos on each step going down.
AHall80: Ruby
RubyMars: It wasn’t my most graceful moment. No one was home, so there’s that.
AHall80: No video?
RubyMars: No video. Sorry for bursting your dreams.
AHall80: That’s on my list of things I’d like to see after a pizza with double pepperoni.
RubyMars: I’m so honored busting my butt is on your list after pizza, lol.
AHall80: :]
AHall80: Before mac and cheese too
RubyMars: Lol
RubyMars: You never tell me if embarrassing, dumb stuff happens to you.
AHall80: Because it doesn’t
RubyMars: Liar.
AHall80: Heh
AHall80: I put my underwear on inside out once.
RubyMars: Once.
RubyMars: Get out.
AHall80: :]
RubyMars: Want a new joke? It’s been a while.
AHall80: Sure
RubyMars: What has four wheels and flies?
RubyMars: A garbage truck.
AHall80: They’re so bad they’re good.
RubyMars: I know!
AHall80: :]
RubyMars: I bought my plane ticket to go see my dad.
AHall80: Yeah? When?
RubyMars: July 8th, I’m going for a week.
AHall80: Nice
AHall80: I gotta go. I just wanted to get on real quick and say hi.
RubyMars: Sure. :)
RubyMars: Be safe.
AHall80: Bye.
RubyMars: Bye.
* * *
May 27, 2009
AHall80: I’m leaving really soon.
RubyMars: Really?
AHall80: Really for real.
RubyMars: !!!!!
AHall80: :]
RubyMars: Okay. Have a safe flight.
AHall80: It’s going to suck, but it’ll be worth it.
RubyMars: Is Ax travelling back with you guys?
AHall80: Yeah, my CO… commanding officer… is taking her home.
RubyMars: I’m so happy.
RubyMars: Really, have a safe flight, and just in case I don’t talk to you again, I really enjoyed getting to know you. Give Aries a big hug from me and enjoy your trip to Scotland and Florida. If you ever decide to open a Facebook account, post pictures on it some day, and if I send you a request, accept it. Or don’t. :)
AHall80: I’ll e-mail you soon.
RubyMars: Good luck :) Have a safe flight.
AHall80: Thanks, Rubes.
AHall80: Hold up a sec
AHall80: I hope you know you’re the best person I’ve ever been paired with. This tour would’ve been a whole lot shittier without you.
AHall80: I’m sorry for what happened at the beginning...
RubyMars: Don’t worry about it. It’s in the past and I understand.
AHall80: Still feel like shit about it.
RubyMars: You made up for it already. Don’t think twice about it. I get it.
RubyMars: We worked it out.
RubyMars: For whatever it matters, I’m glad you ended up writing me back in the end. These last few months would’ve sucked without you too. Thanks for being there for me with everything.
RubyMars: You really did become my favorite friend.
RubyMars: I’ll always remember you.
AHall80: Don’t think twice about it.
RubyMars: I won’t.
AHall80: I will write you when I get back to base in Kentucky. I’m not going to fall off the face of the planet.
AHall80: Promise
RubyMars: If you say so, but don’t feel obligated if you don’t want to. You don’t owe me anything.
AHall80: I owe you a lot more than you think.
AHall80: Not just going to forget you, come on.
AHall80: Hey, what happened with that guy you went on a date with? Your brother’s friend? Not the one I don’t like.
RubyMars: Nothing. We went to the movies. Then he invited me over to his house another day for a barbecue. He’s been out of town for about two weeks now. He’s supposed to get back in a few days, but we’ve only texted.
AHall80: I see
RubyMars: :) I like him, but it isn’t love at first sight or anything.
RubyMars: I know you need to go but have a good flight and enjoy your plumbing.
RubyMars: One last thing
AHall80: Okay
RubyMars: Make sure to eat plenty of fiber so you can finally poop
Ahall80: BYE RUBY
RubyMars: Xoxo
* * *
May
“You did what?”
I hung my head in shame and—for one more freaking time—let the humiliation roll over my face, neck, chest, and my entire soul.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.
I was so stupid.
“Squirt,” my sister cackled, her shoulders shaking as she sank deep into the cushioned seat of the booth the hostess of the diner had led us to fifteen minutes ago. The clinging and clacking of plates and silverware swallowed most of her laughs, but I’d heard her crack up enough over the course of my life to know exactly what it sounded like from memory. Except usually she laughed at Jonathan or Sebastian, not me.
The problem was, there was laughing your butt off so much you made a spectacle of yourself, and then there was laughing so hard no sound came out of your mouth.
And Anatalia, or Ana or Tali as we all called her, was exactly right smack in the middle of both. It was like her body couldn’t decide what it wanted to do. Laugh or not laugh.
“You didn’t,” she basically gasped.
I stared at her as I dragged the glass of iced water toward me by the coaster. My face went red, red, red as I remembered for about the hundredth time the unforgiveable, unforgettable crap I’d typed as my last message to Aaron.
Xoxo.
X-freaking-oxo.
Ugh. Ugh, ugh, ugh.
For the rest of my life. For the rest of the universe’s existence. Forever.
Tali’s eyes bulged and her face turned a shade of red that bordered on maroon. Her hands went up to her chest and the entire upper half of her body molded to the booth’s back cushion like she was attempting to melt into it. Like she was reliving what I’d done in her head and wanted to disappear. I knew that expression. I’d tried to do the same thing after I’d hit Enter on the keyboard. I’d wanted a black hole to suck me in and make me disappear.
“Ruby,” she inhaled my name, wildly.
Unfortunately, I hadn’t been able to pull a Back to the Future. My random black hole hadn’t appeared either. I’d shut the screen of my laptop as if that would magically make the letters disappear.
But I knew the truth.
And Aaron knew the truth.
I’d sent him that xoxo.
Closing the screen hadn’t done a single freaking thing.
When I’d opened my laptop again, those letters had still been there on the screen, mocking me.
“Why would you do that?” Tali busted out, her hands still going up to cup her nearly maroon cheeks. Her dark blue eyes, which were the only thing we had in common, were glassy like she wasn’t pulling enough oxygen into her brain from how hard she’d been, and still was, cracking up.
She was going to make me relive it even more than I already had. Why was I surprised? “I didn’t do it on purpose. One second, we were messaging each other, joking around, then the next thing he types ‘bye,’ and before I realized what I was doing, I wrote that.” I thought about raising my hands directly in front of me where we could both see them, so I could shake them and shame them for what they’d done. They’d betrayed me. They’d gone rogue on me.
After all we’d been through….
My sister threw her head back and laughed, loud, finally, her entire body vibrating. Even while she was cracking up, she was one of the most beautiful people I’d ever seen. I didn’t miss her fingers wiping at the tears I was sure pooled at her eyes. I’d known that was going to be her exact reaction. I’d known it. I’d expected it. That was why it had taken me days to fess up. Because if it had been the other way around and she’d been the idiot who wrote a friend “xoxo,” I would have been the same way.
“And he didn’t say anything afterward?” she somehow managed to ask even as she cracked up.
I shook my head as I watched her pinched face, scowling. “I closed my computer screen and he’d logged off.”
I shrugged and let them drop in defeat, in total freaking failure. At this point, half my life seemed like a failure. What was one more?
I was starting to sound like Jasmine with her “the world is working against me” crap.
“Oh, Ruby,” Tali half sighed and half choked like she could feel my pain but also thought it was hilarious. “Did you e-mail him after?”
I waited until after I took another sip of water before telling her the truth. “No, I thought it would make it worse.” What I didn’t tell her was that I’d stayed in bed for two hours going over that sequence of two letters like a broken record, wishing I could go back in time and relive those three seconds again so I could stop myself from possibly ruining a friendship that I’d really started to care about for over the last nine months.
That was an understatement I was still lying to myself over, and probably would keep lying to myself over for the rest of my life.
Friendship.
Like that was all I felt for this man whose face I had never seen. That’s how I knew I had it bad. I didn’t even know what he looked like and I had such a huge attraction to him it didn’t matter.
He was nice, but not too nice. Funny. Honest. Spiteful enough to be real. And he wasn’t a creep. He understood me and still liked me.
So it wasn’t a surprise that I liked Aaron Hall. I liked him a lot. A lot, a lot. More than a lot. If I really let myself think about it, I wouldn’t even call what I felt for him being along the lines of “like.”
Even though I knew there was a thousand and a half things he wasn’t willing to share with me.
But that thought only lasted until I reminded myself that I was dumb and had no business having feelings for anyone, especially him. I’d already spent more than half my life pining away for someone who didn’t see me as anything more than his best friend’s little sister even after we’d… done something. I’d learned my lesson. At least you’d figure I would have learned my lesson. I wasn’t about to go down that road of unrequited love again. I was fully aware of the castle I’d built and what it was made of, and it was friendship.
Case closed. The door was locked and deadbolted. I wasn’t going there, not today, not tomorrow, not ever. No, thank you. My castle lived in Denial’s city limits, and it was and would have to be perfectly fine there.
“What are you going to do if he messages you again?” Tali asked as the server approached our table. Neither one of us said anything as he dropped off three plates of food with a sleek smile aimed at my sister that went unnoticed because he wasn’t a woman with at least a D-cup breast size.
I dragged my Reuben and fries toward me as I smiled at the server still looking at Tali’s pale skin, dark red hair, and blue eyes, with so much hope. Poor guy had no idea he never could or would stand a chance with my sister. Been there, done that. I knew what that was like. I told her, “Either pretend like nothing happened, or say I’m sorry and that I don’t know why I wrote that and I regret it big time.”
My sister snickered as she picked up her own Reuben with both hands, oblivious to the server still hanging around, arranging the silverware around the plate he’d set next to mine. “You want to keep being friends with him, don’t you?” she asked.
It wasn’t like I didn’t talk about Aaron. I did. My whole family knew about him. There wasn’t a whole lot I kept from them, except this whole giant-crush-on-a-practical-stranger thing. All I’d told them was that we were friendly. “Yeah…,” I said, watching the neglected server shoot Tali one last look before finally huffing and walking off.
“Then just say ‘my bad’ and hopefully he’ll understand you were joking around.” There was a pause and a second later, her lips pinched together. Her chin wobbled.
I knew what she was going to do before she did it, but I still made a face when she started laughing her butt off all over again, loud, loud, loud.
“Why would you do that, Squirt?”
“I don’t know!” I hissed back at her, trying not to laugh and feel mortified at the same time and failing. Like usual. “It just happened. It was like I was talking to you or something.”
“You’ve never written that to me!”
I groaned and felt my entire body flame up all over again in shame. “I know! I’ve never sent that to anyone.” Because I hadn’t. Not even at my most desperate with Hunter did I ever write him that.
“What haven’t you sent to anyone?” came the other female voice a split second before Jasmine slid into the spot on the bench seat beside me, her hands already dragging the Cuban sandwich with sweet potato fries she would never eat on a regular basis closer to her.
Dragging my hand across my throat, I shook my head at Tali, trying to tell her not to say anything.
She either didn’t see me or didn’t care, because the next thing I knew, she blurted out, “Squirt wrote XOXO on an IM to her army friend.”
Jasmine snorted a second before she bit into her sandwich. With a mouthful of pork, she said something that sounded like, “The one you like?”
“I don’t like him like that,” I tried to lie.
The eighteen-year-old who treated me like the younger one, snickered in what I knew was disbelief.
I rolled my eyes and sighed, training my gaze on the wall behind Tali’s chair, ignoring the way my little sister was brushing this all off and how my older one was pretty much dying of embarrassment for me. “Shut up.”
“Before you were a dumbass, did he tell you if he was going to keep in touch?” Tali asked as she tried to reach toward Jasmine’s plate to snag a fry. It was either my imagination or our little sister growled loud enough for Tali to snatch her hand back on her own.
“He said he would, but…” I shrugged and cleared my throat. “We’ll see.” Things would be different once he got back to the States and his life didn’t revolve around the same old people and the same old base. I understood.
“You haven’t kept in touch with any of the rest of the soldiers you’ve written before, have you?” Jasmine asked between bites, making it really apparent that she was usually so focused on her own life that she didn’t pay that much attention to anyone else’s.
“No.” Then again, most of my conversations with my other Help a Soldier pairings had consisted of the weather, their kids, and if they liked this-or-that more. I’d never told anyone else things about my family or my lack of relationships or… anything really that personal. I was a moron. A giant moron who knew better. Another sigh that probably gave too much away slipped right out of me. “Who knows, maybe he won’t write me again. He doesn’t have to.”
Because he didn’t. He didn’t owe me anything.
I didn’t miss the look my sisters gave each other. Neither one of them thought he’d write me. Or maybe they both saw through my façade. Honestly, I would rather not know.
If there was one thing I’d learned over the last few years, it was that just because you cared about someone, and just because they made it seem like they cared about you too, didn’t really mean a single thing at the end of the day.
I’d take what I’d been given and be happy with it.