From: [email protected]mail.com

Date: December 1, 2008 5:05 a.m.

To: [email protected]mail.mil

Subject: Get Over It

Aaron,

I talk to my brother about our e-mails sometimes, and he laughed when I told him your views on officers. He said, and I quote, “Nobody likes officers but other officers.”

My mom and sister are both beautiful. I don’t have any pictures of my mom’s mom. She didn’t like having her picture taken. I think she thought they stole your soul or something. She was a pretty old school from everything I’ve heard. I’m not even kidding. She died before I was born, but supposedly, she was a beauty queen. I don’t look anything like her. She’s got that red hair and mine decided it didn’t want to be red like hers or black like my dad’s, but I have closer to her coloring minus the freckles and inability to tan, and her eyes. I don’t look like either of my parents, more like both of them and neither one of them at the same time. My brothers call me “the milk man’s baby” because the rest of them look like one or the other, except me.

You guys had the Destruction Cookbook, didn’t you?

Thanks. I’m glad you liked my cosplay. With the exception of the Leeloo costume, I usually always do characters who have their faces covered. I don’t like being the center of attention. When I put the face paint on, it’s like I’m taking on the character and it makes me more outgoing, if that makes any sense. Like I’m not myself. It gives me a boost of confidence. That makes me sound like a weirdo, but it’s true.

Not that you’re asking, but I think you’re better off just living with the doubt. Unless you’re planning on getting back together, why torture yourself and get more pissed off? She did what she did, or she didn’t. Either way, I’m sorry. …do you want to get back together? Not judging, only asking.

You’re making me feel like an idiot. Here’s the thing: everyone knew I had feelings for this person. My entire family did. It wasn’t something I tried keeping a secret. I’d liked him my entire life. Besides fictional characters, he was the only person I had ever been in love with. Or at least, it felt like I was in love with him. I don’t know anymore. I’d like to blame it on just being young and dumb, but that seems like a cop out to say that. It was the classic in-love-with-your-older-brother’s-friend situation… except it was real life.

I’m the only person I know who’s never had a boyfriend either. It wasn’t like I didn’t know that. Even my little sister, as busy as she is, has had a couple of them.

Twenty-something girlfriends. Hmm. What was your longest relationship? I’m trying to do the math in my head and you would’ve had to have at least 3 a year for a while.

I was thinking about going to visit my dad sometime next year. April maybe. Have you lived in California?

-Ruby

P.S. I swear on my life I came out of her almost 24 years ago. Accept it.

From: [email protected]mail.mil

Date: December 4, 2008 2:39 p.m.

To: [email protected]mail.com

Subject: Never (Getting Over It)

Ruby,

Your brother’s comment about officers made me laugh. Take our word for it. It’s true. It takes a certain kind of person to want to be an officer. If you ever meet one, you’ll understand.

I bet your sister will be like your mom, picking up guys half her age later on. If you do or don’t look like your mom, I’m sure you have nothing to worry about. I got a question: did your brothers’ friends ever hit on her?

…how did you know that was the book we had?

Your face paint reason I get. It’s like you’re stepping into a role… nothing wrong with that. :] Whatever makes you happy. For some reason, I have a hard time imagining you being shy, but I’ll take your word for it.

I know you’re right about my ex, but it still doesn’t sit right with me. I keep telling myself that it doesn’t matter what she did, but it doesn’t change anything. Did I waste years of my life? That’s what bothers me the most, I guess. No, I don’t want to get back together with her. We’re done.

You’re not an idiot. I didn’t mean to make you feel that way. I hope you know that. You’re a nice girl. You never said anything to him though? What finally made you give up after so long? You’re not lame or stupid. I’m just… surprised… shocked. You had to feel some kinda way to put your life on hold like that.

I’m sure you weren’t missing out on the love of your life or anything like that by not having a couple boyfriends. Sounds like your life has been pretty good if you ask me.

The longest I was ever with someone was that ex.

I’ve never lived in California, but I’ve been to visit a few times.

-A

P.S. I don’t know if I’ll ever believe you.

From: [email protected]mail.com

Date: December 5, 2008 1:13 a.m.

To: [email protected]mail.mil

Subject: My Name is Ruby and I’m an Idiot

Aaron,

Well, my sister won’t be picking up guys half her age. She’s gay. Her last girlfriend she had for a few years, but she wants kids and the girlfriend didn’t. I hadn’t really liked her in the first place. She wasn’t good enough for Anatalia (my sister). Having a little sister, I’m sure you’d feel the same way about her having a boyfriend.

My oldest brother’s friends were always hitting on and checking out my mom. It was really weird and uncomfortable and more weird. I remember them always calling her a MILF and stuff behind my brother’s back. My other brother, the one in the marines, is gay and so were half his friends, so it wasn’t as bad with them. They were all busy drooling over my oldest brother. :)

Ha! I know you had that book because my brother, Jonathan (the marine) did too. I told you I read everything. Sometimes he’d let me watch from a distance while he tried something. Sometimes I even got to suggest things he could try.

Yeah, I’m only shy when I’m half naked and people are paying a lot of attention to me. I’ve had enough people pay too much attention to me for a lifetime. I’m over it. It makes me uncomfortable. Usually I dress like an eighty-year-old (those are my little sister’s words) but it’s fun to put on a costume, even if it’s a little more provocative than I’m used to. It’s fun to pretend to be something I’m not without expectations or judgments. Like during Halloween when women wear really sexy costumes but it’s totally okay because it’s Halloween, you know where I’m coming from?

You had to have learned something from the time you guys were together. It couldn’t have been a total waste of time. Make a list if it makes you feel better. Everything happens for a reason, remember? :)

I told you… everyone knew I liked him. It wasn’t a secret. He knew. I made it pretty obvious sometimes. One time more than any other, but… the next day he made it seem like nothing had happened. I’m embarrassed just thinking about the things I used to say and do to him for attention, especially when I was younger. I got more discreet when I was older, but… ugh. I don’t deal with rejection well, and that’s how him not liking me seemed like back then. I know that makes me sound like a coward, but why lie to myself? Months ago, he finally started dating someone regularly. He brought her to my mom’s birthday and it looked serious. My heart broke a little (a lot) and I cried that night and for a few nights afterward—about thirty nights if you want to know the truth—but I’m glad it happened. I needed to move on with my life. He’d always dated people, but it never seemed serious back then.

I’m pathetic.

I know you didn’t mean to make me feel that way. It just feels like I wasted so much time. Like you said, and then I said—no one likes to feel stupid. Then I think about how my entire family was aware of it and how they had to have known nothing would ever come of it, and that makes me feel worse. It wasn’t like there was a ton of guys knocking on my door to take my mind away either, so there’s that too. Now I’m just making excuses for being a dummy.

Oh well.

Hope you’re okay.

-Ruby

From: [email protected]mail.mil

Date: December 8, 2008 12:09 p.m.

To: [email protected]mail.com

Subject: You’re Not An Idiot

Ruby,

That was a plot twist I didn’t see coming. Did your brother and sister always know they were gay? Did you know? I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for your older brother having a hot mom. One of my best friend’s moms was smoking hot too. He would get so pissed anytime anyone brought her up. Of course that would only make us comment more.

What did he make from the book?

What exactly does an eighty-year-old dress like? The way I’m picturing it is you in a pink sweater and black shoes with glasses. I’m not exaggerating when I tell you, you don’t seem like you’re shy at all, “half naked” or not. You feeding me a lie?

You said to make a list, so here it is.

Things I learned while in a relationship with my ex (and every ex):

We both know who the pathetic one is, and it isn’t you.

Feeling like your heart is broken happens to everyone. My first real girlfriend in high school cheated on me and we stayed together. Then she cheated on me again a month after the first time. Of course I felt stupid for giving her another chance. Fool me once and all that crap, you know? You were a kid. There was no way you could play it off if you liked him. You figure that game out when you’re older. :] That guy didn’t deserve your tears or your time if he knew you had feelings for him and never did anything about it, even if all he did was break your heart by telling you he wasn’t interested. I think mine broke a little at you crying over him. That had to be a reality check. What’d you tell me? Everything happens for a reason?

Not that you’re asking for my opinion, but I think you should try to date someone. Multiple someones. You have a lot of things to make up for. I know some people in great relationships.

-A

P.S. Live your life for both of us while I’m over here… hear me? Don’t let some idiot “rejecting you” make you think everybody will. It’s hard for me to believe you didn’t have a long line of guys trying to hook up with you.

From: [email protected]mail.com

Date: December 9, 2008 3:33 a.m.

To: [email protected]mail.mil

Subject: Hi

Aaron,

They both have always known they were gay, but my sister was the first one to come out. My sister announced she was a lesbian when she was like… sixteen or seventeen, right before my brother, but my mom says she always knew without a doubt about Tali. There are videos of her making her Barbie dolls kiss and she used to say they were married. Sorry for busting your bubble with my sister… not. Lol. My brother came out when he was sixteen I want to say. I think he was worried about how my mom would handle it (remember she was a strict Catholic for a long time and he’s her favorite), but she did fine. Better than fine. She claimed she always “had a feeling.” He had a couple girlfriends before he came out, but they didn’t stay together long for a reason. Him and his friends who were gay were all in the closet and hid it really well. Looking back on it, it makes me sad they had to do that.

I don’t remember exactly what my brother attempted. All I know is that nothing ever worked and he almost died each time he tried something from the book. It wasn’t until he burned his hands and eyebrows off that my mom figured out what he was doing and put a stop to it. If you’re wondering what “putting a stop to it” means, it means she whooped his rear end. Fifteen years old or not, she beat him. That was the one and only time she ever disciplined him I bet.

^^^It still makes me laugh. :)

Lol! You make it sound like I’m a Pink Lady in Grease. I don’t wear glasses, but the flats and cardigans happen when I have to do something work-related.

You need help. Here’s a list in response to yours:

You can trust your best friends, right? (And you can trust me, if you ever wanted to.)

Keeping the toilet seat up while you pee is nice. Try sitting on a wet one when you’re half asleep.

Not everyone lies (but your ex did… and I did too. I’m still sorry about that.)

Was that girlfriend that you forgave for cheating on you your first love or just a first girlfriend? I was a sad mess for about two months after the girlfriend thing. It wasn’t just a few days or nights. I cried and I cried and I cried more. One of my friends thought someone in my family had died. It had felt like it. You picture being with someone for so long, even if you know it’s a fantasy, and it’s tough. A part of me thought he’d come around some day, but that was me living in la-la land. It was a learning experience. He really is a nice, great guy. I couldn’t stay mad at him. Not that I even had anything I could really get mad at. It was my fault.

I do want to date, and I will, but I don’t really know where to start. Do you have any suggestions? So far the five guys I’ve gone on dates with were friends of my friends. I already know meeting guys at bars is a bad idea, and I don’t even like going to bars to begin with. So? Any suggestions, your holy dating, twenty-girlfriend highness?

I know plenty of people in good relationships too, but I know a lot of people in really bad relationships as well. I don’t want to waste my time on a crappy one.

Hope you’re okay. I saw a German shepherd today and thought of you.

-Ruby

P.S. Yes, I’ll live my life for both of us. Lay on the guilt trip. :)

P.P.S. Trust me, there was no line of guys trying to ask me out ever. There’s only a small fraction of guys who like girls like me. Most of my male friends who I thought liked me had been too shy to ask me out, and I wasn’t brave enough to go after the one I did like. Funny how that works.

From: [email protected]mail.mil

Date: December 19, 2008 1:11 p.m.

To: [email protected]mail.com

Subject: RE: Hi

Ruby,

Internet blackout again.

Is your brother in a relationship? How did he keep it a secret while he was enlisted?

The image of your mom beating on your brother cracked me up. She really is something else, isn’t she?

There’s nothing wrong with being conservative. You have your reasons. Wear whatever you want whenever you want.

Here’s another list for you:

I can trust some of my friends. (You included.)

It isn’t a big deal to wipe the seat down before you use it.

Everyone lies, even me. (And I’ve forgiven you for your lie. I thought we were pretending it didn’t happen?)

She was my first love. My first everything if you get what I mean. I’m not going to front, back then it felt like the world had ended, you know? Every few years, she messages me asking how I’m doing. She married one of my high school friends and has a couple of kids now. I’m happy for them.

I think you’re giving that guy too much credit. He had to have known how you would handle him bringing someone over to your mom’s house. Either way, you did nothing wrong. He was older than you, he should’ve known better and done right by you. It’s BS. A nice guy wouldn’t have done that. Just saying.

Definitely don’t meet guys at any bars or clubs. Don’t date friends of your friends either if you can help it. That always gets awkward. What about at kickboxing class? Or a cosplay thing? Let me think about it more. Every idea I have of where I’d met someone wouldn’t work for you.

Every relationship turns into a bad one unless you find somebody to stay married to you for the rest of your life.

This puppy showed up in my tent a couple of days ago. We’ve been taking turns feeding it. We’re not… allowed… to have any pets, but some other units have found dogs, kept them and got their paperwork together. He’s a cute thing. One of the guys here has a camera. I’ll try and get a picture and send it to you.

-A

P.S. What’s “girls like you” supposed to mean?

P.P.S. I feel zero remorse for guilt tripping you.

P.P.S. You never told me about your sister’s skating competitions. Did she make it to the finals?

From: [email protected]mail.mil

Date: December 20, 2008 2:17 p.m.

To: [email protected]mail.com

Subject: Thank you

Ruby,

I just got your next box. I thought you were only sending books? :] Little liar. I’m going to make a pizza tonight and go through what you sent. The guy in the bunk above mine was already trying to look through them and choose one. I told him he could wait until I read them first. Can’t trust anybody here.

The candy, socks, and mac and cheese packets are great too.

I appreciate it.

-Aaron

From: [email protected]mail.com

Date: December 21, 2008 2:55 a.m.

To: [email protected]mail.mil

Subject: You’re welcome

Aaron,

Liar, liar, pants on fire. That’s me. I’m glad your box made it! Do the socks fit? I’m not sure how tall you are. I tried looking you up on Myspace to get an idea, but I couldn’t find you.

^^^ I just realized that makes me sound like a stalker, but my intentions were good. I wasn’t going to try and friend you or anything.

I know you didn’t mean anything by the comments about my mom or sister. :) My brother is in a relationship. He met his boyfriend about three years ago, and they’ve been together for the last two. He’s great. He’s so hot and funny and friendly, my sister and I are both a little in love with him. Actually, I think everyone in the family is in love with him. It annoys my brother to no end. The marine thing… he just didn’t tell anyone he’s gay. I think it was really hard for him to pretend to be something he knew he wasn’t since he had for so long, but… he did it. He’d always wanted to go into the service even if it meant having to lie. (There we go with liars again.) He worried about how accepting people would be toward him if they knew.

You have no idea how bad my mom is. You should have seen her when we were kids and anyone would say or do anything remotely unpleasant about us or to us. She could call us ungrateful, lazy, dumb brats, but if a teacher said we needed extra help, you’d figure we were geniuses by how offended she got. No one can talk shit about her kids but her.

I have my own list for you:

Your first girlfriend was that girlfriend. I see. My two best friends each had boyfriends in high school and those guys all cheated on them. Now that I think about it, every relationship I know of in high school had that happen, not that it was always the guy who did it. I think that’s just the norm. We all have to grow up. Have you ever cheated on anyone?

That person I was goo goo gaa gaa over is a nice guy. Honestly. I don’t have love glasses on. You’re right though, maybe he could have handled the situation differently, but then again, so could I. I could have accepted he didn’t like me a long time ago and not… forced myself on him. “Every idea I have of where I’ve met women wouldn’t work for you,” oh brother. Going to try not to judge, but it’s hard. Lol. I already told you I know meeting people at a bar or a club is a bad idea, sensei.

“Every relationship turns into a bad one unless you find somebody to stay married to you for the rest of your life.” That’s an interesting way of looking at the truth. :)

Send me a picture of the puppy if you have a camera! If not, it’s not a problem. I’m attaching a picture of Sylvester, my ferret, in exchange.

Also, my sister (Jasmine) didn’t do so well at her competition. That’s why I never brought it up. After her short program, she placed third, which wasn’t so bad. She got sick the night before and was really weak. In her free skate, the nerves got to her and she fell twice. She came in sixth. No one in my family is bringing it up. Can you tell it’s a sore subject?

-Ruby

P.S. Girls like me. That sounds worse than it is. I’m not “sexy” or really confident or even really funny. I like doing dorky things, and I’m okay with all that. Most guys want someone who has a big rack or a big butt, or at least think or act like they do, or they like funny, outgoing girls. I’m not any of those. It is what it is. I’m just Ruby.

From: [email protected]mail.mil

Date: December 24, 2008 1:01 p.m.

To: [email protected]mail.com

Subject: RE: You’re welcome

Ruby,

First off, Merry Christmas, crazy stalker girl.

Second, the socks did fit. I was relieved you bought XL ones instead of going down a size. For future reference… and not that you need to buy me anything again… I wear a size 12 in shoes. I’m six foot two.

I cancelled my Myspace account a while back, but if you’d friended me, I would have accepted it.

So you know… I read The Alchemist since I wrote you last. I’m sure you wouldn’t mind, but I let a friend of mine borrow it already. I started that Darkness something book you sent last night… the title is long and I can’t think of it. At the rate I’m going, I’ll be done with all the books you sent in two weeks.

Where did your brother and his bf meet? I don’t know how he managed to keep it a secret for that long, but it had to be tough. Can’t say I blame him though. There’s an equal amount who would and wouldn’t care.

Does your mom boss everyone around? Even her husband?

There is a difference between a white lie and a being-an-asshole lie. I’ll give you that. And I can only trust some of my friends because once somebody screws you over once, there’s always the chance they’ll do it again.

Talking about lies, I’ll tell you I wanted to be an asshole and lie to you, but I’ll tell you the truth. When I was younger… and dumber… I cheated on a couple of girlfriends. It’s been at least ten years since then. I’m not that same person. I was a teenager.

I don’t think I’ll ever believe you about that guy being “nice,” but whatever floats your boat, Rube. I’ll judge silently… and out of our judge-free zone. Just saying, I still think if he’d really cared about you, he would have said something to let you move on.

What? It’s the truth. Most bad decisions involve bars. Take it from me. I’m glad you know that. I’ve picked up women at them before… and parties. Don’t do that. Don’t trust anyone who would do that to you either.

All right maybe that was dark, but half of marriages end in divorce. At least a girlfriend can’t take half your money and kids.

^^^ Just because I’ve had a shit streak doesn’t mean you will.

Sylvester is cute. He’s browner than I figured he’d be.

Here’s a picture of the puppy. I don’t have a camera, but a PFC… private first class… with me has one. The pup’s already gained some weight since we found her... it was a her, not a him like we thought. We named her Ax.

That blows about your sister. Is she bummed?

Merry Christmas again. Tell me how it goes with the fam and if you got “special” brownies.

-Aaron

From: [email protected]mail.com

Date: December 25, 2008 5:05 a.m.

To: [email protected]mail.mil

Subject: Happy Birthday to Jesus

Merry Christmas, soldier boy. :)

I’m glad I did go with the XL ones. Something told me you weren’t short. I could only hope my sixth sense was right. Worst case, I figured it would be better for them to be too big than too small.

Why did you cancel your Myspace account? I hardly ever get on mine anymore, but I have it. Now I usually just get on Facebook.

What did you think about The Alchemist? I hope you love The Left Hand of Darkness. It gave me a giant hangover. I’ll have to send you more books in the future. And you’re right, I couldn’t care less that you share them. They’re yours. Spread the goodness.

Depending on the secret, I usually can’t keep one for longer than a day before I have to tell someone. It depends. I agree though, how he managed to not let it slip is beyond me. He and his boyfriend met at a bar one night. They’re probably the only relationship I know of that started that way and they’ve managed to last. I think it helps that his boyfriend is ten years older. He’s got his life together and doesn’t let my brother get away with his usual crap, AKA blowing up over things and then not wanting to talk about them.

My mom is super bossy. I think her husband likes it though. Let me go throw up in my mouth now. Lol.

I don’t want to be a hypocrite, I told another lie today. Jasmine, my little sister, asked if I could see through her dress and I told her no. But I could see her underwear right through it. That’s what she gets for the pepper incident a few months ago. Remember I told you about that? No regrets.

Wait a second. I feel like maybe I’m missing something here. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, but what has someone done to you in the past to make you not trust them, and why are you still friends with them even after that?

That sucks you cheated on your exes, but at least you’ve come to terms with it and don’t do it anymore, I guess. You aren’t the only one judging silently. (Kidding.)

I’m not trying to convince you the guy I liked is nice at this point, because you aren’t going to believe me, but… he did used to help me with my homework. He did it for me a couple of times. I’m trying not to think about him anymore. I really do want to move on.

Regarding where to not pick up guys (bars and parties): I’m going to die alone. Great. Thank you.

I guess you do have a point about half of marriages ending in divorce, but… you know my mom is on marriage #4. #2 was a bad divorce, emotionally for her at least, but #3 was pretty amicable. Even knowing all that, I hope one day I can still find someone to be in a long-term relationship with me. I know I’m the last person to tell anyone to take a chance, but you never know unless you try, right?

I love Ax! Why that name though? Does she sleep in the tent with you guys? She looks like a mix of a lab and an Akita, even though her coat is blonder. You can tell by her smile she’s sweet as cherry pie.

Was my sister bummed about not moving on? She invited me to go to Golden Corral (a buffet, in case they don’t have those where you’ve lived) with her, and we went for donuts afterward. This probably doesn’t mean anything to you, but if you knew her, you would know she has the discipline of a samurai when it comes to her training and diet. Once, a cousin offered her one hundred dollars if she’d eat a slice of cake and she said no. It’s safe to say we’re all worried about her. You’ve never met a sore loser on the scale of Jazz.

We’re meeting for Christmas in a little bit. I still have gifts to wrap. :) Wish me luck.

Merry Christmas again, Aaron the Not-Asswipe.

-Ruby

From: [email protected]mail.mil

Date: December 28, 2008 2:59 p.m.

To: [email protected]mail.com

Subject: RE: Happy Birthday Jesus

Ruby,

Why would you think I wasn’t short?

I’ve heard of Facebook but don’t have one. Maybe when I get back, I’ll look into it. I canceled my Myspace because anyone I really want to keep in touch with can just e-mail me…. Also, my ex got jealous over the girls I was friends with… not that there were a lot… and I got tired of hearing about it. Seemed easier just to cancel it than fight all the time.

I spoke too soon: I haven’t gotten too far in The Left Hand of Darkness. We’ve had some long days lately, and by the time I get back to my tent, all I want to do is sleep while I can. I’ll let you know how it goes once I’m done. The Alchemist really got me thinking about choices and where they’ll lead you. I’m planning on reading it again.

I’ve never heard of a relationship between two people meeting at a bar working out either. Usually those are just hookups.

You gave me a mental picture I shouldn’t be having about a fifty-something-year-old woman whose daughter is my friend. Thanks.

I can’t believe you let your sister walk around with her underwear for everybody to see. That’s shady… but I like it. :] Remind me never to prank you.

I’m still friends with people who have done me wrong because I know they’re sorry. Doesn’t mean I have to trust them as much as I used to.

Telling you about what a douche I was made me stay up thinking about it. I’m tempted to reach out to my exes and apologize for being a prick. What do you think? I’m really not that person anymore.

He did your homework for you but still led you on. Not convinced. Seems like he felt guilty. He sounds like a dick.

I laughed out loud at your “I’m going to die alone.” You aren’t going to die alone. What if you went to church and found someone there?

I get where you’re coming from with your whole “you don’t know unless you try thing,” but I guess I’ve always known that if I ever got lonely once I’m out of the army, I’d just get a dog. I’ve seen what a divorce will do to a person and I don’t really ever want to put myself into that position.

It was the birthday of one of my soldiers, so we let him choose the pup’s name. That was the best he came up with. I didn’t realize how much you get from a dog until lately… how much joy they give you. The unconditional love… you can’t get it from anywhere. Overall, everyone’s mood has improved since Ax showed up. I’m not exaggerating. We still haven’t gotten all the fleas off her, but I’m sure when we do, she’ll be napping on someone’s cot.

We didn’t do much here for Christmas. Some guys hung up Christmas lights a few weeks ago, but that’s all. My commanding officer gave some of us each a cigar. I’ll be saving mine for a special day.

I didn’t think about how strict her diet has to be. Hope she gets back on her feet. Nobody wins all the time.

They just let me know I can take my midtour leave in February. I’m heading to Louisiana for two weeks to see my family and friends. I miss plumbing.

In case I don’t message you before, happy New Year.

-Aaron

From: [email protected]mail.com

Date: December 29, 2008 3:05 a.m.

To: [email protected]mail.mil

Subject: Hi

I just had this feeling that you weren’t short. I don’t know how to explain it.

There aren’t that many people on Facebook, so you aren’t missing out on anything. When I first signed up, it was only for college kids.

I hope you love Darkness. It’s one of my favorite books of all time.

Every bad decision my friends have made has been with guys they met at bars. If I wanted to make a bad decision, I’d go to the grocery store on an empty stomach.

You had a mental picture of my mom? Now I have a mental picture again. Let me go throw up one more time, thank you.

I’m a lot of things, but I take my pranks seriously. :)

I’ll drop the questions about untrustworthy friends for now but I will tell you that I’m a very trustworthy person. I’ve never done anything mean or bad to my friends before. :)

I’m not judging you too bad for being a cheater when you were younger. Contact them if you want, or don’t. If you hadn’t changed, I’d tell you to do it, but it’s up to you. I don’t know what to tell you. This goes beyond my expertise.

Listen to me. Trust me. It was my fault for how things worked out between me and that guy.

Meet a guy at church? Did you really suggest that?

I can’t fault your logic with getting a dog if you get lonely. When has a dog ever broken someone’s heart? But… never mind. I’m not going to try and tell you, you should get married one day if you don’t want to. You know what you’re doing and what you want. I have a single aunt who’s supposedly never been in a relationship and her life is awesome. Like you said, half of marriages end in divorce. I know how bad my mom’s taken some of hers. It sucks. Do whatever makes you happy. You can love someone and not marry them. It’s the same thing. At least it should be.

Dogs really are the best. One day I’ll have one. My mom is allergic. I’m glad all you guys are being cheery with Ax around. It would take forever but I could send you flea shampoo. Tell me.

Do you smoke?

Christmas was great. Luckily in the custody paperwork, my niece’s mom is the one who gets to spend Christmas with her every year so she didn’t witness our show. No pot brownies, but my older sister made jello shots, which then led to the liquor cabinet getting opened and we all got hammered, even my little sister. Everyone had to spend the night. I woke up passed out on the recliner and there were people on the floor and the couch. I found my brother asleep on the stairs. Attaching a picture because it’s too funny not to share.

Jasmine is still sulking, but we’ve only gone to a Chinese buffet once lately, and when we went to the soft serve ice-cream section, she only had one cone. My goal is to talk so much smack to her, she gets riled up and starts skating again to spite me. I don’t really want to do that because I’m not good at talking bad to anyone, but I don’t know how else to get to her. I hope I don’t regret this decision. I’ll let you know how it goes.

I’m excited for you getting to take leave. Are you going to make any solid plans other than taking plenty of showers?

I’m starting to feel pretty crappy, sorry if this message is short. Hopefully it isn’t food poisoning.

Hope you’re okay.

-Ruby

From: [email protected]mail.com

Date: December 31, 2008 5:05 p.m.

To: [email protected]mail.mil

Subject: HI

Happy New Year, Aaron! :)

-Rube