I woke up suddenly, a hard body pressing against mine. Panic began to set in until I realized it belonged to Josh and the events of the night before coming flooding back. Josh’s arm was across my chest and his leg entwined with mine, pinning me beneath him. “Josh,” I whispered, trying to move out of his hold. “Josh,” I repeated when I was met with silence, though he must have been awake because he pulled me closer toward him.
“Shhh, Sav,” he whispered into my neck, making me shiver. “Don’t ruin it.”
“Ruin what?” I asked him, confused.
“Finally waking up with you in my arms.”
Pushing out of his embrace, I sat up and turned to face him. “Are you still drunk?” I asked him skeptically.
“No baby,” he said, chuckling. “Although my head hurts and I’m not really sure what I’m doing in your bed. Did we…?” He looked at me, raising his eyebrows in question.
Folding my arms across my chest, I glared at him. “If you’re asking if we had sex, no we didn’t, and the reason you’re in my bed is because you came up to use the bathroom and passed out in here. You were supposed to sleep on the sofa!” I exclaimed.
“I remember you picking me up from the bar, but it’s a blur after that. Did you take my clothes off?”
“No Josh, that was all you!”
“I’m sorry—sorry you had to come pick me up, and sorry for not sleeping on the sofa,” he said, his voice sincere.
“I’m not going to tell you it’s okay, because it’s not. I’m pissed at you.”
“How did you even know to pick me up?” he asked.
“You really don’t remember?” He shook his head. “The bartender called me from your phone. Believe me, I tried to get Brody to pick up your drunk ass, but his phone was turned off. I also tried to drop you off at home, but no one was there and I couldn’t find your house key.”
“How did the bartender know to call you?” he asked, still confused. I looked down and played with the edge of my t-shirt. “Sav?” he prompted, and I sighed.
“Apparently, you were talking to him about me,” I said quietly. When he didn’t comment, I climbed out of bed. “I need coffee.” I rushed out of the room, quickly using the bathroom before heading downstairs. Waking up in Josh’s arms was something I’d dreamed about for years, and it certainly hadn’t disappointed.
“Do you mind if I jump in the shower?” Josh shouted from upstairs.
“No, that fine. There are clean towels in the bathroom,” I shouted back, flicking the coffee pot on. I wasn’t really supposed to drink coffee, but I allowed myself one cup each morning to get me going.
15 minutes later, I heard Josh coming down the stairs. “Something smells good,” he said as he walked into the small kitchen.
“I’m still mad at you, but I’m hungry, and I can’t eat and not offer you something,” I said, gesturing to the bacon. “Help yourself. I put you some Tylenol on the side, and water is in the fridge.”
“Thank you,” he said gratefully. “My head is killing me.” I watched as he took a bottle of water from the fridge and popped two Tylenol in his mouth, taking a gulp of water to wash them down.
“What happened last night? Why were you so drunk?” I asked him. I figured if I was the one dragged out of bed to pick him up, I deserved to know why. Josh liked to drink and I’d seen him drunk plenty of times, but I’d never seen him like he’d been the previous night.
He sighed and dragged his hand down his face. “Just trying to forget,” he replied cryptically.
“Forget what?” I asked.
“You, and how much I’ve hurt you over the years,” he said quietly, sipping his water. “I’m so sorry for ruining your date the other day. I never intended for things to get so out of hand, but when I saw you kissing that guy…” He trailed off and I watched his jaw tick.
“Are you saying you were jealous?” I asked, dropping my eyes from his, afraid to hear his answer.
“What if I was jealous?” he muttered. “What if I can’t stand the thought of another man touching you, holding you, kissing you?” My head snapped up to look at him, and I saw a flash of pain in his eyes before he closed them and shook his head. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.” He turned to walk away.
“Wait!” I exclaimed, reaching for his arm. “What do you mean? I might be mad at you right now, but you know how I feel about you, how I’ve always felt about you. I’m yours. I’ve always been yours, you’ve just never seen me.”
His eyes met mine again before giving me a small smile. “I’ve seen you Savannah. I’ve done nothing but see you since I was 16.” He reached up and stroked my cheek with the back of his hand. I closed my eyes and nuzzled my face against his fingers, my skin tingling from his touch. My heart was racing and my stomach churned with a mixture of nerves and excitement.
“Why did you push me away? Why have I had to watch you with all those girls? If we both want this…” I trailed off as his hand dropped from my face and he took a step back.
“Have you ever taken a good look at the girls I date?” he asked me quietly.
I snorted. “I try not to—it makes me nauseous!” I exclaimed, and I heard him laugh.
“Well almost all of them look like you.” My eyes widened in surprise. “I could never be with you, so I dated girls who looked like you. The problem with that, though, was that they could never live up to the reality of you. I had you on a pedestal, and no one could compare.”
I stood there listening to him, my mouth hanging open. Was he actually saying all of this to me, or was I going to wake up and realize I’d been dreaming? I felt tears well in my eyes, and I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat. “Why could you never be with me?” I asked. “Is it because you think Brody would be mad? He wouldn’t mind if we were together,” I rushed out, not caring that I sounded desperate.
He reached down and took my hands in his, his thumbs brushing over the backs of my hands. “No Savannah, that wasn’t the reason. Sure, Brody warned all his friends away from you when we were young, me included, but that isn’t why we couldn’t be together.” I nodded, suddenly realizing that it didn’t matter what the reason was back then; there was a new reason now.
I pulled my hands out of his and took a step back. “Whatever the reason was, you don’t want to be with me now because I’m pregnant,” I whispered, taking a step back from him.
He quickly closed the distance between us and reached for my hands again. “Savannah, don’t.” He gripped my hands, gently squeezing them. “When you told me you were pregnant, I wanted to find the bastard and kill him, tear him limb from limb for touching you.” He trailed off and dropped his eyes to the floor. “I’d never seen you with a boyfriend, never seen you even date anyone. I thought…”
“You thought I was a virgin,” I said, and he nodded, his eyes still on the ground. “I was before I started hanging around with the girls from school,” I whispered.
His head snapped up and his eyes flashed with pain as he shook his head. “I hate that I pushed you into this. You only stopped coming out with us because of me. If I hadn’t paraded all those girls in front of you, this wouldn’t be happening.” I reached my hands up and placed one on either side of his face, forcing him to look at me.
“Josh, I’m a big girl. I’m responsible for my own actions. Me being pregnant is not your fault,” I told him, desperately trying to make him believe me.
“You can tell yourself that as much as you want, but if I hadn’t hurt you, you wouldn’t have started hanging around with those girls and you wouldn’t be pregnant now.”
“I don’t regret having this baby Josh. Do I wish the situation was different? Of course I do.” I dropped my hands from his face and smiled sadly. “But I don’t blame you. What I did was my decision, just like it’s my decision to keep this baby.” I placed my hand protectively over my growing stomach. “I understand why we can’t be together,” I told him sadly, turning my back on him in an attempt to gain control of the tears that were threatening to spill down my cheeks.
“Hey,” he said, stepping close to me, his body pressing against my back. His hands wound around my waist and came to rest on my stomach. “This baby is a part of you, and I want all of you,” he whispered in my ear.
I sagged against him, my heart pounding at his words. “Why now, Josh? What’s changed?” I asked, not believing what he was telling me.
He sighed deeply. “Finding out you were pregnant made me realize if I didn’t step up and make my play for you, someone else would. I could have lost you to some guy you met in a bar. What if you’d hit it off with the baby’s dad? You’d be together now and I’d be forced to watch someone else love you.”
He paused and I could feel him breathing rapidly. I held my breath, waiting to see what he would say next.
“Savannah, I’m a selfish bastard, and I’ve tried to stay away, but staying away from you, it’s like…like trying to defy gravity. It’s impossible.” He turned me in his arms and reached his hand around the back of my neck, gently pulling me into him. My hands connected with his hard chest, and I could feel his heart racing under my fingertips; I could barely believe I was the reason for it. Looking up at him, I saw his eyes were focused on my lips, and I unconsciously licked them. His other hand snaked around my waist, and our eyes briefly met before he lowered his head and gently brushed his lips against mine. The kiss started off soft but soon turned into something more urgent, and I traced my hands up his chest and over his shoulders, digging my fingers into his hair. I felt his tongue trace against my bottom lip, and I opened my mouth to him, his tongue dueling with mine. I heard him moan before he peppered kisses down my neck and around my ear, his lips finding mine again in a tender kiss.
Resting my head against his chest, I struggled to catch my breath. I’d waited years for him to kiss me and now that he had, I knew kissing anyone else would pale in comparison. Butterflies were rioting in my stomach as I waited for him to say something. His breathing was fast, and I waited until he’d calmed down, feeling him kiss me lightly on my hair before I raised my head to look at him, terrified that he was going to tell me it had been a mistake to kiss me.
“Why did I wait so long to do that?” he said as if asking himself, but his eyes never left mine. “I’ve wanted to do that since I was 16.”
“Why didn’t you then?” I asked him, my eyes fixed on his.
“I couldn’t give you what you wanted,” he replied, reaching up and tucking a stray piece of hair behind my ear.
“Do you still think that now?” I asked him quietly, and I watched as he nodded.
“Yes baby, and I know I’m being selfish, but I can’t stay away anymore.”
“All I need is you. Whatever it is you say you can’t give me, it doesn’t matter if I have you.”
“You say that now, but in the future…” He trailed off as he glanced down at my stomach.
“You’re all I’ll ever want Josh. We have to live for now—watching Libby lose Mia taught me that.” My hand reached for his face as I lifted his chin.
His eyes met mine before he closed them and sighed. “I’m scared Sav,” he whispered. “I want you, I can’t deny that anymore, but the last thing I want is for you to resent being with me.”
“Tell me what’s going on Josh—you’re scaring me,” I said, the nerves building in my stomach. He nodded then led me out of the kitchen and into the sitting room. He gestured for me to sit down and when I did, he sat next to me. I turned and waited for him to say something. A minute or so passed in silence, and when I couldn’t stand it anymore, I reached for his hands, holding them in mine. “Josh, whatever you tell me, it won’t change how I feel about you—unless you murdered someone,” I said with a small smile, attempting to break the tension that hung in the air. He let out a small chuckle before squeezing my hands.
“I didn’t murder anyone, I promise.” He paused, taking in a deep breath. His eyes were fixed on our joined hands as his thumb traced patterns on my palm. “When I was two years old, I had leukemia.” I sucked my breath in sharply, more tears forming in my eyes. “Apparently, it was touch and go for a while, but in the end I was lucky and the treatment they gave me at the hospital worked.” The tears overflowed, running down my cheeks as I thought of this strong, beautiful man enduring something so awful as a child. I wasn’t going to pretend I knew a lot about leukemia, because I didn’t, but I knew enough to know it was serious and not everyone survived. “Hey, don’t cry baby. I’m fine now,” he said, looking up from our joined hands and seeing the tears falling. He let go of one of my hands and wiped my tears away, and I nodded as I attempted to pull myself together.
“I’m so sorry Josh. I can’t even begin to imagine what you and your parents went through.”
“I don’t remember much of it, just what my parents told me as I grew up, but I know how tough it was on them, and how lucky I was.”
“Does Brody know?” I asked him.
He shook his head. “No, it’s not something I like to talk about, to be honest. It was a long time ago and I don’t need people feeling sorry for me. It’s not a secret, I just don’t talk about it.”
I nodded in understanding, but was confused as to why his illness when he was young would stop us being together. “Josh, as devastating as it is that you were so ill when you were young, why would that stop us being together?”
He sighed loudly. “Part of the treatment for leukemia is chemotherapy, and I ended up having to have a pretty high dose.” He paused, brushing his fingers over my cheek. “The doctors told my parents the chemo would affect my fertility, and said it was unlikely I’d be able to have children. I didn’t know how I could be with you knowing I could never give you a baby. I knew early on that if I allowed myself to be with you, I’d never want to let you go. It was easier to push you away, to try to make you hate me. It tore me up knowing how much I hurt you over the years, but I thought I was doing the right thing.”
I didn’t know what to say. All this time he’d wanted to be with me, but without even talking to me, he’d decided he couldn’t give me what I wanted—what he thought I wanted.
“Did you not think I could decide for myself what was best for me?” I asked quietly. “I wanted you, Josh, not what you could give me in 10 or 15 years.”
“I’m sorry, I should have talked to you,” he replied sheepishly. “I just couldn’t bear the thought of you resenting me when the time came to have a baby and I couldn’t give you one.”
“We would have gotten through it Josh. There would have been other options. We would have had each other, and that would’ve been enough.”
“Is it still enough now?” he asked, the vulnerability on his face making me love him even more.
“Yes,” I told him with a smile. I watched as he let out a long breath, almost as if he had been waiting for my answer before breathing. “I want a family, I can’t pretend I don’t. That’s why there was never a chance that I would terminate this pregnancy, even though the circumstances weren’t ideal. But, I also want you. It’s always been you.” I paused. “Can you handle all that comes with being with me? I come with some pretty big baggage, and I need to know that you’re okay with me having this baby.”
He lifted my chin with his fingers and waited until my eyes met his before he responded. “I can’t pretend I didn’t wish it was my baby you were carrying. I’d give anything for that to be the case, but I need you to know that I will love this baby as if it were mine. I’m going to prove to you how important you are to me, how lucky I am to have you—to have you both.”
A feeling of apprehension swirled in my stomach. Was Josh’s sudden change of heart because I was pregnant and this was his opportunity to be a dad? Would he still want me if I wasn’t pregnant? I felt him put his arms around me as he guided me into his lap. He traced his hands up my bare thighs and underneath my t-shirt, his hands coming to rest on my waist. I dropped my head, his lips brushing against mine in a soft kiss. As the kiss intensified, I lost myself in him, all feelings of apprehension disappearing as he consumed me.
He broke the kiss and lifted my t-shirt above my head, throwing it onto the floor next to him. I sat straddling him, naked except for my panties, his hands resting back on my waist. I felt my face flush as his eyes roamed my body and I dropped my head into his shoulder, trying to hide myself from him. I had always been confident about my body, but being pregnant and watching myself slowly change, I was rapidly losing that confidence with each passing week.
“Hey,” he whispered, slowly forcing me to sit up. “What’s wrong? Is this too fast?” I shook my head, moving my arms across my chest and stomach. I watched as a frown appeared on his face as he saw what I was doing. “Why are you covering yourself up?” he asked gently. I shrugged my shoulders and dropped my eyes from his. “Savannah,” he coaxed. “Talk to me, baby. What’s wrong?”
“I’m pregnant Josh…my body’s going to be different than the other girls you’ve been with.” I paused, taking a deep breath. “I’m just scared you won’t like what you see,” I said, and to my horror, I heard him laugh. My head flew up to look at him.
“You’re joking, right?” he exclaimed, still laughing.
Folding my arms over my naked chest, I glared at him. “Does it look like I’m joking? Jackass!” I said angrily, trying to get out of his grasp and off his lap.
His hands tightened around my waist as his fingers gently dug into my skin. “Stop,” he whispered. “You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. I can’t take my eyes off you—I’ve never been able to take my eyes off you.” One of his hands left my waist and snaked around my neck, finding its way into my hair. He gently pulled my head down and pressed his lips against mine in a tender kiss. “And this…” he said, pulling out of the kiss and placing his hand on my slightly rounded stomach. “This makes you even more beautiful.” He kissed me again, this time with more intensity, and as I relaxed into his embrace, I kissed him back, my hand pressing against his hard chest. “I plan on showing you just how beautiful I think you are,” he said as he lifted me off the sofa. I wrapped my legs around him, dropping my head on his shoulder as he carried me upstairs toward my bedroom, neither of us saying a word.