THIRTY-FIVE
Belle
Zeus disconnects, leaving me shattered and hollow. I stare at the device in my hand as though it could somehow erase the past week of my life and yet leave me the clarity to do this all again, better, right.
This can’t be the end. It can’t be that simple.
“There you are.” My father’s whispered statement cuts at me like a notched dagger straight to the heart.
Through it all, he still loves me. And yet I’d give that up to keep Zeus’s love instead.
What kind of daughter am I?
“What’s wrong?” He lowers himself to sit beside me on the back step. “Your mum said you were talking to Kate.”
I turn to face him, letting Dad take a good look at my tear-strewn face.
“Oh.” He frowns, looping his elbows around his knees. “What did he have to say?”
“That he’s had enough of hurting everyone, and so he has to let me go.” I choke the last words out, the reality a sucker punch to the gut when I voice it out loud.
“Ssh.” Dad slings an arm around my shoulders and pulls me in to his side. “It’ll be okay.”
“It won’t.”
“It will. It’ll take time is all.”
I snort a bitter laugh. “Do you remember the first time you told me that?”
He sighs. “You were fifteen. It was after that barbecue he organised to cheer me up.” Dad stares off across the back yard, a small frown pinching his brow. “I watched you with him, watched the way he pulled the smiles from you without even knowing he did it, and I knew.”
“That I had a crush on him.”
“Yeah.” He places a kiss to my head. “I told you that it was just your hormones doing a number on you and that it would pass.”
“It never did.”
“I see that now.” Dad’s hand tightens on my shoulder, tugging me against him before relaxing again. “I’m not angry that you feel that way, Belle. I’m angry at him for betraying my trust.”
“I know.”
“He could have talked to me about it.”
I twist against his side and look up at him, noting the new age lines around his eyes. “Could he have, though?”
Dad chuckles, his lips pressed tight in a knowing smile. “No.”
I pull free to get a proper look at him. “What exactly is it about us that makes you so apprehensive?”
“Without sounding like a right arsehole?”
I nod.
“You’re young, sweetheart. You have so much ahead of you, so many things you’re yet to experience, and I don’t want you to turn anything down because you feel obligated to be here with Zeus.”
“That’s pretty much what he said,” I mumble, staring down at my feet.
“So? Maybe there’s an ounce of truth to it?” Dad knocks his leg into mine. “Sleep on it, sweetheart. Give things time to settle.”
My lip quivers as I pick at the loose threads on the hem of my jeans. “It hurts, Dad.”
“I know,” he coos, pulling me into his side again. “I know.”
***
I sleep on it… for three days. What’s the point of leaving my bed when there’s nothing to get up for? Dad goes to work at night, stopping in each time to give me words of reassurance before he leaves.
I know what he says makes sense, but it doesn’t stop me from messaging Zeus like a fool several times a day.
I miss you.
What are you doing?
How was the sunset in your room tonight?
Talk to me.
Tell me I’m not the only one hurting.
Zeus?
Silence. Cold, isolating silence.
“Belle?”
Somebody’s here. Cerise never calls my name that sweetly when we’re alone. “Yeah?”
“You have a visitor.”
I bolt out of bed and rush to my closet, ripping the first outfit that makes sense off the hanger. Deep down I know it can’t be Zeus; Cerise wouldn’t be that welcoming if it was. But that one per cent, that slim chance, has me tearing my hairbrush through my matted mess before I give up and yank it back into a ponytail.
I head out to the living room to find Kate seated in one of the armchairs. “Hey.”
“Hi.”
“I didn’t mean to get you up.”
I chuckle, shaking my head as I take a seat in the other chair. “It’s past two in the afternoon—I should be up and about anyway.”
She frowns. “Why aren’t you?”
I glance about but fail to see Cerise anywhere. “Zeus and I split up.”
Kate schools her surprise well; only a slight twitch in her perfectly poised hands gives it away. “You were a thing?”
I nod.
“Wow.” Her whole body relaxes as she slumps against the back of the seat. “That makes things different.”
“Different?” I haven’t seen her in weeks. Haven’t heard a thing from her since she stopped responding to my messages. “Why are you here?”
“I wanted to see my friend. Is that unusual?” She pushes off the cushions to sit straighter again.
“It is for us. Yeah.”
The stones roll in my gut, giving me that sinking feeling again. Her jaw is tense, her eye movements jerky. She flits her gaze to the door repeatedly as we talk, almost as though she can’t wait for this conversation to be over.
“So, things with Brock and me didn’t turn out.”
“I know,” I say, tucking my legs up beside me.
“We tried reconciling, but it didn’t happen. So I went out last weekend with Trent. He wanted to get my mind off things.”
“And?” Speed it along, good buddy.
“And I came across Scott.”
Oh. I band my arm around my legs, flicking my fingernails. “What happened?”
“He’s really sorry about what he did, especially when I told him how reckless it was.”
“You talked about me while I wasn’t there?” Good to see I turned out useful for something.
“I didn’t bring it up—he did.”
“So much better,” I drone as I turn away.
I catch the telltale sounds of the back door as Cerise lets herself in after presumably having a cigarette. She appears at the edge of the kitchen seconds later, smile firmly in place. “Would you girls like a drink?”
“No thank you.” Kate smiles equally sweetly.
To my horror, Cerise decides that gives her licence to join us in the living room. She takes a seat on the sofa and continues to smile widely at the two of us.
I’m trapped in the music video for Soundgarden’s “Black Hole Sun.”
“Would you like to continue this in my room, Kate?” I jerk my head toward the hall.
She looks towards Cerise briefly, and then nods. “Sure.”
I lead Kate to the far end of the house and take a seat on the edge of my bed as she pushes my door to.
“Truth is,” I admit, “I was over what Scott did pretty much right after it happened.”
Kate frowns as she takes up residence on the opposite end of my bed. “I admire that, you know?”
“What?”
“How you always manage to keep going, no matter what shit gets thrown your way.” She smiles, her chin tucked down. “I guess I was envious of that confidence.”
I laugh, drawing her focus. “Confident? Nope. Hardly. I just put up a good show. If they think they can’t hurt you, they won’t keep trying to do it, right?”
“I guess.” She smiles. “I miss us hanging out.”
I stare at her, aware this is the part where I’m supposed to say I do too. Yet the words don’t come. The sentiment doesn’t feel right. I regret losing her, sure, but it surprises me to realise I haven’t missed her.
“Anyway,” Kate continues when I fail to respond. “I came over because I wanted you to hear it from me.”
Whatever it is, I know I already don’t like it.
“Scott and I talked for quite a while that night. He’s changed since school got out. I guess because he doesn’t have the pressure of the others to upkeep an image.”
Gee—that must have been so hard on him. Ugh. “Really?”
“He, um, asked to see me again this week, and I said yes.”
“You don’t need my permission to hang out with him,” I deadpan.
“I know. I’ve already seen him.” She giggles. “Twice.”
She’s infatuated with the guy. I could see it in the way her face changed when she thought about seeing him already this week. Disgusting. The guy makes a simple apology for being a douche, and suddenly he’s a saint in her eyes.
Leopards don’t change their spots. And big cats don’t stop feeding on weak prey.
“Be careful with him,” I warn. “He’s a smooth talker until he gets what he wants.”
She chuckles nervously.
“Kate?” I cock an eyebrow, suddenly pissed at this traitor sullying my safe space.
“That’s the thing. We’ve slept together already.” She holds both hands up, halting my reply. “I know, it’s so soon. But he’s so genuine.”
“How do you know?”
“I just do, okay?” Her lips press in a thin smile as she drops a sympathetic shoulder. “I’m sorry, Belle. I didn’t mean for it to happen….”
“It just did?”
“Yeah.” Kate drops her gaze to the comforter between us. “I wanted you to hear it from me, anyway. I hope you can understand.”
“Thanks for stopping by.” I remain impassive.
If they can’t see that they hurt you, they won’t keep doing it.
“Belle.”
“You seem busy. I’ll let you get back to the rest of your day.”
She blows out a heavy breath when she realises I’m not going to keep this conversation going, and stands. “See you around. Maybe.”
I focus on the brilliant white clouds that pepper the sky out my window as I listen to her make small talk with Cerise, and then leave. A car starts on the roadside, and to my horror, I slide across to the window side of my bed to find Scott behind the wheel as they pull away.
The silence afterward is poignant. I don’t have a mother who thinks to ask if I’m okay, let alone one who senses that Kate’s visit wasn’t all that friendly. I don’t have a lover to talk to, to seek comfort in.
Instead, I have the empty ache of the theme of my life: everyone always leaves.
I guess Zeus achieved one thing he wanted to without even realising it—I have nothing left to stay here for.
Nothing to tie me down other than the weight of a thousand regrets strung across my shoulders.
Time to lighten that load.