THIRTY-NINE
Belle
I’ve lived in a constant state of anxiety the past six months. Life has been turned on its head since I walked out the school gates and entered my new life as a so-called adult. In such a short space of time, I’ve managed to love, lose, and learn.
Each achievement as painful as the other.
Dad delivered an ultimatum to Cerise the week after I saw Zeus at the car show: on New Year’s Eve. He made me proud, standing up to her like he should have done years ago, and telling her that if she didn’t put in real effort when it came to fitting in to what is his life, then she could move out.
In true Cerise style, she stormed out declaring that she wouldn’t stay where she wasn’t wanted, and holed up in a motel for a few days before returning with her tail between her legs. He told her she either puts in a real effort to change her ways, or the next time she’ll find the door locked.
Standing up for himself was the best resolution Dad ever made.
I don’t understand the woman; I don’t think I ever will. But we’ve come to a kind of truce: I’ve stopped expecting her to act like my mother, and she’s stopped trying to be one. It’s better that way—at least, for now.
Kate and Scott still date, making it Facebook official on New Year’s Day. I keep track of their progress on social media, as much as I know I shouldn’t. It’s like watching a car travel down the highway with a buckled wheel, waiting to see if it’ll fall off and cause an accident or somehow manage to reach its destination without creating carnage for everyone around it. She seems content though, so I have to give her that.
It’s more than I can say for myself.
My American work visa came through seventy days after I applied and after two rounds of interviews. Dad seems to think they wanted to be thorough given my age, and I guess I have to agree. How many nineteen-year-olds travel overseas for work rather than play?
My sketchbook is filled with ideas I can’t wait to present to Chris after he meets me in Colorado. The idea that I’m to travel to another country to work in the same city as one of my idols… yeah, I still can’t get over that. How does this even happen?
Simple: Zeus.
He’s stayed silent since saying goodbye to me the night of the car show. I managed a week before I wanted to cave and send him a message, but to my initial shock I discovered he’s blocked me on Facebook. I guess we all deal with our heartache in different ways. All I hope is that wherever he is, whoever he may be with—as much as the thought makes me nauseous—he’s happy.
Dad doesn’t mention anything about him. I don’t even know if they still talk after everything that happened. To be honest, I don’t think Cerise would allow it. I should feel bad, but I regret nothing. I love Zeus—that hasn’t changed. I’ll always love Zeus, and I know that I’ll never meet anybody who makes me feel complete like he did.
Maybe that sets me up for a life of disappointment? I don’t know. All I do know is that I wouldn’t trade the time we had for anything. I only wish for more.
Two years in another country, and then I’ll come back and do whatever it takes to fulfil my dream. I’ll have a shop, even if it’s only me in it to begin with, and I’ll make him proud.
I only hope that by then he’s ready to talk, ready to see me. It’s all that keeps me hanging on as I stand in the middle of the international lounge at the airport, my sketchbook under my arm, and my heart in my throat.
This is it. Today is the day.
“Got your passport handy?” Dad asks, checking the zipper on my carry-on for the millionth time.
“Yep.”
“And you have water and snacks for the flight? That airline food is sketchy at times.”
“Yes, Dad.” I frown, frustrated to admit that I feel let down. “Why didn’t Cerise come?”
He chews his bottom lip as he grimaces. “She’s busy moving her shit out of the house.”
“What?” My jaw hangs slack.
“Mmm.” He shrugs. “I guess it’s a new beginning for both of us.”
“I’m so proud of you.” He deserves better than her—always has.
Dad smiles, patting his hands on his thighs as he looks me over. “You’ve grown, sweetheart, and I don’t mean in height.”
“I know.”
I look back at pictures of myself six months ago in my final weeks at school, and I wonder how I ever could have expected the world to take me seriously when I so obviously reflected my age. I’ve changed since then, and I think it was all a part of the process of finding myself.
Shit things happened to me: I was bullied, taken advantage of sexually by Scott, and I had my heart broken by the one person I truly want in this world.
But each of those experiences taught me something about myself. Love, relationships, heartache, and suffering: they’re all facets of who we are. If you don’t love deeply, then you don’t feel deeply. And if you don’t feel deeply, then how can you expect to truly understand the complexity of the world in such a way that it shows in your art, your actions, and your values?
I learnt acceptance. I learnt sacrifice. And I learnt that sometimes we give up the things we love the most for the people we love the most. And we do it without a second thought, because those people are what we live for.
“I better go through security and board, Dad.” I check the time on my phone. “They opened it five minutes ago.”
“Yes.” If I didn’t know better, I would think they’re tears in his eyes.
“Are you going to cry?”
“No.” He chuckles. “I’m going to leak happiness.”
“You dork.” I throw my arms around him, my sketchbook slapping his back. “I’ll call when I arrive, okay?”
“I’ll be waiting.” He gives me a tight squeeze and then releases me. “Now get.”
I push down my own emotions at leaving the man who’s given tirelessly to make sure I had the best start in life, and grip my carry-on with white knuckles as I head up the escalator.
The security personnel let me through without issue—after I’m asked to remove my studded boots. I slip them back on and gather my things, my quickened pulse vibrating throughout my entire body as I head for the gate.
I’ve never been on a plane before. Never left the country. This is huge for a homebody like me, but the opportunity at the other end is more than I’ll ever get again in my lifetime. Too much for me to pass up because of an irrational fear of flying, that’s for sure.
The hostess scans my boarding pass and welcomes me with a wide smile. If she can recognise my fear, she doesn’t show it. But then again, she probably sees people like me a hundred times a week. My skin burns as I stow my luggage in the overhead compartment, my panic rising the more it dawns on me I’m going to be trapped in this metal tube for almost an entire day.
“First time to the US?” A friendly voice asks from beneath me.
I glance down as I give my bag the last shove and see my row-mate stow a book in the seat pocket before him. Kind eyes meet mine, and he smiles as he waits on an answer.
“First time flying.”
“Wow. Quite a way to break the ice, isn’t it?”
Something about the man draws me in, something that makes me want to scoot closer and pick him apart to find out what’s so unique inside.
“I’m known for causing a bit of drama,” I tease, “so I apologise now if I’m an anxious heap the whole way there.”
He chuckles, dimples showing as he runs a hand through his blond hair to push it back. “Well, I’m known for my patience. So, you’re in luck.”
I take my seat on the aisle, and reach across the empty middle one to offer my hand. “Belle.”
“Damien.” He takes my hand and pumps it firmly in his.
I gesture to the empty seat between us. “Do you have a companion?”
His lips curl up on one side as he cocks an eyebrow. “I take it you don’t then?”
“Nope. Completely solo over here.” I’m pretty sure I just broke some safe-travelling rule by sharing that, but it’s not exactly a secret when I’m going to spend the next twenty-two hours not uttering a word to anyone.
Except maybe Damien.
“What are you reading?” I jerk my chin at the book before him.
“A thriller,” he says, touching the top of the cover. “Murder, mystery, shady characters doing even shadier things. You know the sort.”
“Sounds interesting.”
He shrugs, eye on the book as he states, “I can read it anytime.” Damien turns his head and smiles. “You, however, I only get to discover your story right here, right now. So tell me, Belle, what makes you such a troublemaker?”
Maybe I’m going to enjoy this flight after all.
“Well, it’s a bit of a long story, but….”
REGRET, part two of Zeus and Belle’s journey will go live February 28.
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