THIRTY-SEVEN
Belle
The faint smell of German sausage drifts on the breeze from the food trucks parked around the outskirts of the oval. Cars come and go for the monthly get-together; kids squeal and laugh as they make the most of the bouncy castles made available by the organisers as a special treat for Christmas.
“I can’t remember the last time we came to this,” I muse as Dad locks the work truck.
He pockets the keys and holds his hand out for mine. “Two and a half years ago.”
Cerise wanted to come, but Dad shot her down, demanding one on one time with me. I could have hugged and kissed him when he did that, but instead I remained composed in front of her and saved my thanks for the car ride here.
“I thought it might cheer you up,” he explains as we head for the first row of shiny classics lined up for admiration. “I have something I want to talk to you about, anyway.”
“And you had to bring me here to do it?” I smile as we walk hand in hand.
Dad ducks his chin, his lips tilted up at the corners. “Well… I have a confession.”
“I’m listening.”
We stop next to the end of the row, a Camaro polished within an inch of its life gleaming under the massive floodlights while one of many Santas here tonight chats with another man beside it.
“I’m not the only one who wants to talk to you about this.” Dad gives my hand a tug and leads me along the row.
I vaguely pay attention to the cars we pass while I study Dad, trying to pick what he’s up to, when one sleeper catches my eye. One sleeper that’s had a new matte finish since I saw it last.
“What are you doing?” I stop walking, tugging back on Dad’s hand.
He tightens his grip so I can’t escape as Zeus climbs out of the driver seat.
“Sorry we’re late,” Dad calls, as though I’m not being trapped into a conversation I don’t want to have. “This one couldn’t decide what she wanted to wear.”
Kill me now. I can’t look at him. Don’t look at him.
I look at him. Fuck.
“Hi.”
“Hey, dove.”
Is he trying to hurt me?
“You know what?” Dad says, fooling no one. “I think that coffee I had before we left is working. I’ll be back soon.”
Arsehole takes off across the grounds before I can say a damn thing. Zeus takes a step forward to get out of the way of a guy who takes a picture of the car. He’s close enough to touch. My hands ache with the need to reach out and pat him, just to make sure this is real.
For weeks he’s avoided me. For weeks he’s ignored every message I sent. The arsehole has even been radio silent on social media, not posting a damn thing.
“So….” I nod toward the car. “Keeping occupied?”
“Got to do something to keep my mind off other things.”
Huh. “I might keep walking. Tell Dad to catch up when he gets back.” I take two steps and halt when his strong hand wraps around my upper arm.
“Belle, wait.”
“Let me go, please.”
He does as I ask, looking like a child who’s been caught with their hand in the cookie jar. Maybe I was simply a sweet treat for him? Who would know, considering he doesn’t tell me a damn thing.
“I’ll walk with you.”
Great. “Whatever, Zeus.”
He ghosts me in silence, keeping slightly behind me and off to my right as I do my best to appear interested in the cars. It’s no use. Ask me what colours there were, what makes and models, and I couldn’t tell you a damn thing.
Ask me how he smells tonight, what he does with his hands when we stop, and how many times he’s run his thumb across his bottom lip, and I could recount that in vivid detail.
I’m ruined. Completely ruined.
“How has the job hunting been going?”
I glare at him, pissed he thinks he can slip his way back into my good books with idle conversation. “Why don’t you ask me what you really want to know?”
He looks around us, seeming to check if anyone takes notice of us as we stand face to face, before slaying me with those blue eyes I love so much. “Is it getting any easier?” He chews his bottom lip before continuing. “Because I think every day is harder than the last for me.”
“Why are you doing this to us?” I whisper. Don’t cry. Don’t show him how he hurts you.
“Because it’s the right thing to do.”
“Fuck what’s right,” I snap. “Did you care about what the right thing to do was when you kissed me? Did you give two shits about what was right when you fucked me, Z?”
“Belle.” He tugs me along, eyes darting all around.
“Oh, please. As if anyone around here cares.” He says nothing, fist tangled in the side of my black sweater as he pulls me toward the fence line. “Where are we going?”
“Somewhere private.”
Somewhere without boundaries. “Don’t.” I dig my heels in, twisting around his wrist as he tries to keep us going. “I want to stay where there’s other people.”
“Why?” He releases my top, frowning. “Don’t you trust me?”
“I don’t trust myself.”
He swallows hard, the same battle I struggle with clear in his eyes. “This is why I ignored you, dove.”
“Don’t—”
“Because I knew if I came to see you, if I talked to you, I couldn’t keep my resolve.” He smirks. “I stayed on my feet, head up and proud when the guys who ran my wing in prison thought they’d try to break me on my first week. Nothing they did brought me down, but babe, one look at you and I want to fall to my knees and beg you to forgive me.” His brow knits as he lifts a hand to touch me and then thinks better of it. “If I give in, you’ll regret it in the future.”
“Don’t tell me what I will and won’t regret.” I take myself by surprise, shoving him hard in the chest.
The release feels good. Too good.
I shove again, and Zeus takes a step back, yet he doesn’t lift a finger to defend himself. He takes everything I have as I push again and again, my palms slapping hard enough against his firm chest to make my hands sting.
“You don’t get to make decisions about my future for me,” I growl as I push him backward. “You don’t get to tell me who I can and can’t love. You don’t get to tell me anything.”
“Belle….” He lifts his hand and catches one of my wrists as he loses his footing, regaining balance before he takes us both down. “Stop.”
“I hate you,” I yell. “I hate you for loving me. I hate you for showing me what I can’t have.”
He expels a single heavy breath, his brow furrowed, before he winds his hand in my hair and yanks my head to his. Zeus’s lips crush mine; his other hand presses my hips hard against his as he kisses me with all the pain that I’ve felt in the past weeks.
How can he understand and yet keep telling me that staying apart is what’s right? How can he believe the lies he repeats as though they’re his gospel?
I cling to his shoulders as I pull free from his kiss and rest my forehead against his lips. “Don’t do this if nothing will change.”
“Nothing has changed,” he murmurs against my head. “I still love you, dove.”
His face is warm against my palm, the feel of his cheekbones, his jaw under my hand so familiar it soothes the ache that spreads from my heart through my limbs, crippling me from being able to walk away.
“You’re everything to me, and if you make me do this thing called life without you, it’ll never be complete.”
“Sometimes you have to have pieces missing to ensure you never lose focus.” He mirrors my actions, tracing the lines of my face with his thumb as he pulls me away. “Stay alert, Belle. Don’t settle. Always look for more.”
The salt of my tears mingles with the sweet taste of his kiss as he gives me the most bittersweet goodbye I’ll ever know. I lose myself in the moment, blocking out the people and the racket around us. His gentle lips pull me into this lie, this taste of what I could have had if only I was older, more experienced.
“Hey!” Pain lances through my shoulder as Dad jerks us apart. “This is not what I fucking brought her here for.” He steps between Zeus and me, his rage directed at his former best friend.
“Dad, don’t.” Don’t ruin the memory. Don’t sully the moment.
“I’ve got nothing,” Zeus says as he steps back, hands raised. “No excuse. No regrets. Nothing.”
“You even tell her the news yet?”
“What news?” I ask.
“I was getting there,” Zeus says with a shrug.
“Real fucking hard to explain it all with your tongue down her throat.” Dad makes a disgusted sound. “Fuck it. I’ll tell her myself. We can do this without you two having to see each other again.”
“Do what?” I cry.
Why the fuck won’t anyone fill me in on what so obviously relates to me?
“Come on, Belle.” Dad jerks his head toward the car park. “We’ll discuss it on our way out of here.”
“John—”
“You,” Dad growls, whirling on Zeus with his finger jabbed angrily in his direction, “can shut the fuck up and let her go without this having to get physical again. I gave you one shot, one last chance to make things right, and you’ve just fucked them up all over again.”
My focus stays on the man I love as my father pulls me through the gathering crowd. I expect to find my pain mirrored back at me, regret tainting his features.
What I don’t expect is blank resignation.
He holds my gaze as I stumble along beside Dad, and then turns away, quickly blending into the crowd and taking the last working piece of my heart with him.
Never settle. All I’ll do from here on out is settle, because there isn’t a man in this world that will ever compare to him.
I’ll damn well prove it.