Zandra
Tossing and turning the rest of the night after my call with Fox, I was restless and agitated. The sun broke through my window, making it impossible for me to even try to sleep anymore.
Being Saturday, I knew there would be very little I could do about finding a new job or place to move to. But I had to do something. I needed to get the hell out of Charleston before I changed my mind.
Lying in the bed, I looked up at the ceiling. My eyes burned from all the crying I’d done, and my skin felt dry too. I didn’t feel good at all. Not emotionally, and not physically.
Pulling my body out of bed, I went straight to the bathroom. A long hot bath with bubbles should help me get my head straight and feel a little bit better about life in general.
The numbness still filled me as I soaked in the tub. I didn’t even try to shake it off. It had helped me get through hard times before. It had helped me do what I’d had to.
A huge part of me wanted to stay right where I was, in Charleston. That part of me wanted to believe that my life didn’t have to always be so bad. With Kane and Fox, I’d never felt more alive and happy.
And that scared the crap out of me.
I had never dared to let myself feel happy, loved, or even hopeful that life could turn out great for me. Not ever.
Maybe part of that came from being brought up by people who used the Bible as a weapon. I didn’t know exactly what the main reason was that I felt like there could be no long-term happiness or love in my life.
Had I always felt that way, or had that only started after the pregnancy? God knew my mother had done a great job of convincing me that I was only destined for misery in my future, to make up for the sins of my past.
My mind wandered to Fox. My little boy was a perfect angel; there was nothing evil or sinful about him. He did well in school. His grades were much higher than mine ever were. I’d skirted by in school. But then I’d had no one pushing me to do much better. All my parents had asked of me was that I pass my classes.
Sometimes I thought they didn’t expect more out of me because they knew I wasn’t capable of more. That I just wasn’t that smart.
Thinking that I wasn’t smart, I’d only ever gone for the easiest thing I could find. When I did well at it, that was enough for me—I never tried to aspire for more. Being a cocktail waitress didn’t take much mental work, so I could handle that just fine. I couldn’t be good at anything else, I just wasn’t smart enough, I’d always thought.
But Fox had managed to get his father’s brain and physical abilities, thank God. My son played his little baseball games like he was playing in the big leagues. He took his games and practices very seriously. And he was a real team player, too. That was something else he certainly didn’t get from me.
Not that I’d ever been asked to be on any teams. Or more accurately put, I’d never wanted to participate on any teams. I liked to be alone. Scratch that—I felt more comfortable being alone.
Like some unseen specter, I’d watched the others play, socialize, interact with the other kids in school. Every once in a while, a kid would call out to me to come and join them. I would pretend I didn’t feel well so I could stay on my own.
After a while, no one asked me to join in. They all knew what my answer would be. They left me alone, the way I wanted them to.
Will Kane and Fox just leave me alone?
Kane would be easier to push away than Fox. If I could bring myself to even do that to my son—the baby I’d mourned for ten long years.
Even as I thought that, Kane’s handsome face filled my mind.
Why do you want to push Kane away?
And why did I sometimes talk to myself in second person?
I supposed it was because at times I didn’t feel as if I was a whole being. I felt split sometimes. Maybe I was crazy. No, I was crazy. That was just reality.
Fox didn’t deserve to have to live with a crazy mother. Kane didn’t deserve to be with a crazy woman. I didn’t deserve either of them.
The sound of the doorbell ringing pulled me out of my internal dialogue. I didn’t bother to get out of the bath, though, which grew colder with each passing minute.
Maybe I would just stay in the tub and freeze to death. Not likely, in a home with a thermostat that was set at a constant seventy-five degrees. No, I wouldn’t find an out that easily.
And why was I even contemplating finding an out when I finally had so much good spread out in front of me?
Oh, yeah. ’Cause I’m crazy, that’s why.
A knock came at my bedroom door, and I heard Taylor call out. “Get up, Zandy. You’ve got a surprise out here.”
Ignoring her, I slumped down further, letting my head go under the now-cold water.
Maybe I just won’t come up for air. That would do the trick.
But when my lungs began to burn, I pushed my head up out of the water, taking a deep breath. “What am I doing?”
It took everything I had, but I pulled my ass out of that tub. Slowly but surely, I dried off my body, put on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt, not bothering with a bra or panties. All I was going to do was lie around in my room anyway.
My hair was a wet mess, my clothes made me look homeless, and all I could do was stare at the loser in the mirror.
The doorbell sounded again. Taylor cussed, “Shit! Who is it now?” The sound of her bare feet padding across the living room floor made me look at my door, instead of the mirror over the dresser. “More?” she asked whoever was at the door. “My God!”
Waiting, I listened to what came next. Then her feet padded to my door, where she knocked again. “Hey, Zandy, get your ass up and come out here.”
Biting my lip, I didn’t answer her. I just looked back at my reflection. This time I found it intolerable.
Pulling off my clothes, I went back into the bathroom and took a proper shower. I washed my hair, shaved my legs and underarms, and put in some creamy leave-in-conditioner to tame my hair.
Something began to come to life inside of me again. The numbness was being pushed away, forced out by something else. I wasn’t sure what the hell it was. Usually, when the darkness found me, it took a lot longer for me to get through it.
The sound of the doorbell ringing off and on, along with Taylor calling out to me to come out and see what the hell was going on, made me feel something really odd.
Hope.
Hope for what, I had no clue.
But there it was anyway. It pulled me out of the shower and made me want to put on a bit of makeup so I could look presentable. For what, again, I didn’t know.
I dried my hair and put it up in a ponytail then dressed more appropriately. Bra, panties, a pair of slacks, a blouse that matched, and some flats too. I finally started to feel more alive, more human.
My eyes were still puffy, but I felt like that would go down if I could move around a bit and drink some water to rehydrate myself. I didn’t know what I was getting myself ready for, but I felt like I needed to be prepared. It felt like something outside my body was pushing me to do it all. Another entity had entered my body, forcing it to do what it felt was necessary.
At least I was there, somewhere, not fighting it at all. For once.
Most of my life I’d felt like I was fighting a battle within me. Part of me wanted to get out and enjoy things the way others did. The other part of me wanted to hide.
With Kane and Fox, the part of me who wanted to join the world of the living—who wanted to have fun, and go on adventures, and feel love—took over. I wanted to be a part of their world. And I’d never been happier.
Running my hands along my waist as I looked into the mirror again, I found a much better version of myself than I’d been looking at earlier.
“So what the hell are you doing, Zandra Larkin?” I whispered to myself.
Running away, as usual.
Shaking my head, I knew I had to change things up. “You have a son now, Zandra. You have prayed and wondered about that boy since that horrible day you watched him being taken out of that delivery room. You have mourned him for what seems like forever. You don’t have to mourn him anymore. He’s right there. And he wants you in his life. He wants you to be his mother.”
Looking at myself, I felt that familiar burn of tears behind my eyes. “No.” Shaking my head, I pushed that crying shit away. “No more.”
I didn’t know what I was going to do, but I wasn’t going to be running. Not again.
The truth was, I hadn’t put as much into finding another job as I’d told myself I had. The truth was, I hadn’t really let myself fall head over heels in love with Kane, or even Fox. And that was because I was still guarding my bruised heart, mind, and even my soul.
Fear of losing someone dear to me again had made me put my shields up, making sure I would find myself alone. And I’d lied to myself, telling myself that I was blissfully alone.
I wasn’t blissfully anything. I was barely treading water.
And I had to stop with that and start something new.
Telling Kane that I hadn’t been entirely truthful when I’d told him I loved him would be a start. I was too broken as it was to know how to give my love to him, but I was going to fix that. I just needed time, and I prayed he would be patient with me.
I wouldn’t tell Fox the same thing. Mostly because I had loved Fox from the moment I found out I was pregnant with him. That love had never died. It gotten buried under grief, guilt, and remorse, but it had never been extinguished.
Another doorbell and another shout from Taylor told me something strange was happening and that I should go see what the hell it was. “Coming,” I finally shouted back to her.
“Thank God!” came her exasperated reply. “I’d like to get some damn sleep, Zandy. I didn’t get home until five this morning, unlike you who slept half the day yesterday and all damn night. You can deal with the bombardment from now on.”
The overwhelming smell of flowers hit me as soon as I opened my door. Turning the corner to go into the living room, I found at least a dozen vases filled with assorted flowers all around the room. On the kitchen table there were boxes of what I thought must be candy. And a stack of pink envelopes, too.
Going over to the first vase, I pulled off the card. It read: To Zandra, the mother of my child, the light of my life, you will always be in my heart.
There wasn’t any signature, but I knew they were from Kane. I knew that everything was from Kane. The stack of envelopes drew me to them. On the front of each one, Happy Mother’s Day was written.
Opening the first one, I saw that Fox had handwritten a little note inside: Happy first Mother’s Day Mom. I wish I could’ve spent it with you. But we have many more to come, and I will spend each one with you. Love, Fox.
All nine of the other cards had similar notes in them, each one written by my son. He wanted a future that included me in it, of that I was sure. And I wanted a future that included him, too.
But how could I ever make myself into someone who didn’t turn into a basket case on occasion?
When things got hard, I lost it. No one’s life was perfect, and I didn’t expect mine would never get hard from time to time. How would I combat my inner demons to be the mother my son needed me to be?
How would Kane take it when I confessed that I had said the words, “I love you” to him without really meaning them?
He would probably hate me. He would call me a liar. He would tell me that he didn’t want anything else to do with me, and he would tell me to get the hell out of his and his son’s life.
Fox was still only Kane’s. I had no legal right to my son. And I never would. I’d signed that right away before I’d even given birth to him.
Putting the last pink Mother’s Day card back into the matching envelope, feeling my elation disappear as those negative thoughts kept coming, my whole body jerked when the doorbell rang again. Something flashed through me.
A sense of destiny.
It was weird, and I shook my head to send the odd sensation away as I walked toward the door. I didn’t bother looking through the peephole. I figured it was a delivery person with more flowers or something like that.
Opening the door, I found Fox and Kane there. Both wore black suits with blue ties and white shirts, along with broad smiles. They both looked so beautiful and precious to me.
Fox tugged the hem of my blouse. “Hi, Mom.”
Caressing his cheek, I said, “Hi, Fox.”
Kane didn’t say a thing. But when he started going down on one knee, I gasped and covered my mouth with my hands. That action spoke louder than words, and I couldn’t believe what he was doing.
Pulling a ring out of his pocket, he held it up to me. “Zandra Larkin, you are the mother of my son. You are the reason for my happiness. You gave me a life worth living. Now let me give you one, too. Marry me and become my wife and Fox’s mother and stay with us forever, the way you were meant to from the very beginning.”
Blackness closed in around me from every side.
This cannot be real.