Zandra
Nothing felt right. My feet hit the tiled living room floor, but I didn’t feel them taking me to my bedroom. When I fell on the bed, face-first, I didn’t feel the impact of the mattress hitting the side of my face. I heard the air rush out of my lungs but didn’t feel it.
I’d become numb.
The feeling was familiar. It was the exact same way I’d felt after my baby son was taken away from me. I’d closed myself off from everyone. I’d kept to myself, stayed alone as much as possible, only allowing myself to cry when I was alone.
I knew I couldn’t risk being seen with tears in my eyes. Not after what had happened when Mom had caught me crying the day I came back from the hospital. “And what are those tears for, Zandra?”
Gasping, trying hard to catch my breath as the sobs had nearly robbed me of it, I said, “My son, Mother!” I’d held my side, the pain from crying making my whole body cramp.
“Your son?” She shook her head. “You don’t have a son, Zandra. You had a bastard child. You brought evil into this world—what’s made from sin will only bring more sin. Be glad we made you get rid of him. Let him be a problem for some other family.” Her finger wagged in my face as she leaned over me as I lay in my bed, making me feel even more helpless than I’d felt when I was pregnant.
“Mark my words, Zandra, that child will bring nothing but pain and misery to the poor people who took him in. You sinned. You gave your virginity to a stranger. You had sexual relations out of wedlock. You didn’t follow God’s laws, and now you and the bastard child you bore will suffer for the rest of your eternal lives. Be glad your father and I didn’t allow you to keep him. He would hate you for bringing this misery down on him anyway.”
“Please, stop,” I’d begged her as I felt the numbing sensation taking me over again. “Please don’t wish anything bad for him. Please just let him live in peace. Please pray that the family who has him takes good care of him and loves him as much as I would have.”
I sucked in a breath to replenish my lungs then closed my eyes, praying in silence inside my head so my parents couldn’t hear me. I prayed as much as I could that my son was okay and that the people who had him would love him and give him a great life. A life I wouldn’t have ever been able to give him.
How vividly I could recall her cackle as she left me there. My body felt as if it had been ripped apart from the emotional and physical trauma. She wouldn’t allow me to take the pain medication the doctor had sent home with me, either. She’d thrown that out as soon as I got back home.
I only had my mind to ease the pain. Shutting everything off was the only thing that worked, and once that numbness overtook me, it worked well. Taking me over, putting me in a state that hardly felt like living. No, it couldn’t be called living. I’d merely existed from that moment until the day I’d turned eighteen and left.
And I could go back to that state now that I’d given everything up again, I supposed. Then I opened my eyes as the sun shone in through the thin curtain. “I can’t go back there.”
There wasn’t anyone putting a roof over my head this time around. I no longer had the luxury of simply going numb. Not anymore.
My chance encounter with Kane and Fox seemed to have been my undoing. I had known from the moment I met them, that it would only be a matter of time before it all fell apart. Life hadn’t been great before, but it hadn’t felt this bad in a very long time.
Rolling over, I got up and went to my dresser to pull out the bag I always put my tips in. Thanks to the busy weekends I had been able to save quite a bit of money. I had enough to get me somewhere else, to start somewhere new. I just didn’t know where I wanted to go yet.
There was a clanking sound in the kitchen that drew my attention. I shoved the bag back into the drawer I’d pulled it out of then went to see what Taylor was up to.
She looked at me as I came into the kitchen. “What the hell has happened to you, Zandy?”
Wiping my eyes, I sat down with a thud at the dining table. “I’ve got to get the hell out of here, Taylor. I don’t have a job anymore.”
She yawned then took a bowl out of the cabinet. “I’m gonna make a bowl of cereal, want some? And what do you mean you don’t have a job anymore?”
“Rob was waiting for me when I came home today after meeting Kane for lunch.” I sniffled. “Oh, and we broke up, FYI.”
The bowl dropped out of her hands, crashing onto the granite countertop and bursting into pieces. “What the fuck?” Her black-rimmed eyes stared at me with a stunned look. “Did he break up with you?”
“No.” I shook my head then got up to help her clean up the mess, afraid she might cut herself. “I ended it all.”
“Huh,” she huffed. “Why would you do that?” She stepped back so I could move in and clean things up.
“Go sit.” I pointed at the table. “I’ll make you a new bowl of cereal.”
Staggering to the table, she took the seat I’d vacated. Resting her chin in her hand, she asked, “So, tell me why you broke up with him.”
“He offered to pay for me to go to college.” I wiped the broken pieces of bowl onto a paper towel then tossed it all in the garbage can. Opening the pantry, I looked at the boxes of cereal. “Frosted Flakes or Wheaties?”
“Flakes,” she said, and then her hand hit the table hard, making me look at her. “There’s got to be more, Zandy. Come on, tell me everything.”
Pouring the cereal into the bowl, I put the box down on the countertop. “Look, it happened kind of fast. One minute I was sitting there, happily waiting for Kane to show up. And then he said some things that pissed me off. I left. He followed me, found out I’d been fired and tried to play the hero. I wouldn’t let him. I don’t need a hero.”
The sound that came out of Taylor made me cringe, it sounded so guttural and instinctual. “Ha! The hell you don’t, girl!”
“I don’t!” When I opened the fridge to get the milk out, I saw a bottle of red wine and pulled it out.
May as well drown my sorrows.
“Shit, Zandy, every girl dreams of the day her knight in shining armor will show up in her life, sweep her off her feet, then take her away to the castle where she’ll be his queen, and he’ll be her king.” She took the bowl I handed her. “Thank you,” her brows went up high as she added, “Mom.”
“Don’t,” I cautioned her. Turning away from her so she didn’t see the tears that sprang to my eyes, I hated how that one word stabbed me like a dull knife right in the heart. “I can’t be that boy’s mother. He deserves someone better. Someone worthy of his love—someone who deserves him. Not me.”
“You think you’re unworthy of love?” she asked, then took a big bite of her cereal.
“I know I am.” Filling a glass to the top with the wine, I took it and went to sit across the table from her. “If a person’s parents can’t love them, then who can?”
“Look, your parents were whack jobs,” she informed me. “Sorry to say it like that, but it’s true. And everyone deserves to be loved.”
“Not me.” I took a long drink, thinking it tasted dry and acidic, but not much caring. I just needed it to dull my inner pain.
I’d made a mess out of things. I’d made Fox and Kane think that I could be what they needed in their lives when I clearly couldn’t. I had even let myself believe that I could do that.
What a loser.
“You’re making the biggest mistake of your entire life, Zandra.” She slurped up another bite of the cereal. “I mean it. And what about that poor boy? Fox is going to be so crushed if you walk out of his life when he just got you back.”
“Look, you don’t know the whole thing.” I felt a mix of pain and anger at her words, knowing she was right, but also knowing there was nothing I could do to make things better.
I took another drink and noticed it didn’t taste as bad this time. I was getting used to adjusting to things I didn’t like. I could get used to being alone again. Not having love in my life again.
I’ve lived without it for twenty-six years. What’s the big damn deal?
“Then tell me the whole story, Zandra.” She picked up the bowl, draining the remaining milk. Setting it down on the table, she said, “You now have my undivided attention. And I have to warn you that I will be interrupting you when I have something to say.”
“I know that.” I rolled my eyes, taking another drink. “Okay, Kane asked me to let him pay for my college, and suggested I quit my job, move in with him, and let him take care of me.”
The sarcasm in her voice told me she wasn’t going to be very sympathetic. “What an asshole.” Her eyes held mine, unmoving and stoic. “Now tell me the bad thing he did and help me understand why you broke things off with him.”
“Well,” I stopped to take another drink, holding up my finger for her to wait. “Ah. This wine ain’t half bad. Anyway. I came home, and there was Rob.”
“Yeah, you’ve already told me that,” Taylor rudely interrupted.
“And he left me standing there, jobless and crying. Then Kane pulled up, and I tried to get inside before he could get to me.” I paused to have another drink before carrying on. “But he caught me, and I had to listen to him tell me that he loved me and that he would take care of me. And I had to tell him that I was fine on my own. And I also didn’t want to be his charity case.” I had to stop and take a breath, as I was talking so fast.
Taylor’s eyes were wide, and she rubbed them with the backs of her hands, making her black mascara smudge even more. Now she really looked like a raccoon. “You’re certifiable. You know that, right?”
“I might be, yes.” I took another drink and found my glass empty. “Well, shit.” Getting up, I refilled my glass. “All I know is that I don’t know. You know?”
“No.” Taylor shook her head. “I think this decision is too big to leave to you when you’re obviously not in your right mind. Let me make it for you. Here’s what you’re gonna do. You call Kane and tell him that you accidentally took some pills of mine. You thought they were just aspirins and you had a headache. Only they must’ve been something else, ’cause they made you crazy for a little while. You really aren’t ever that way and would like to apologize and accept his generous offer.”
“I can’t do that. I have to move away from here. I’ve gotta go, girl.” I sat down then took a drink from my new glass of wine. “This shit is starting to actually taste good.”
“You need to stop drinking and maybe take a bath and then a nap, and when you wake up, then you might not be so damn crazy.” Taylor got up and went to put her bowl in the sink. As she stood there, washing it before putting it in the dishwasher, she said, “You need to think about how you would feel if you saw Kane and Fox with another woman. A woman who would be sleeping in Kane’s bed with him, who would be getting the great fucking you’ve been getting. A woman who he would call baby the way he calls you baby. A woman who Fox would call Mom, the way he calls you Mom. You really need to think about that, Zandy. Because that’s giving up an awful lot in exchange for nothing.”
Jealousy shot through me. But I couldn’t let raw emotion rule me right now.
“You don’t understand,” I whined. “One day, they’ll both see through me. I’m just a stupid cocktail waitress who’s never done anything good in her life. They’ll see that soon.”
“You haven’t been putting on an act,” she said as she came back to me, standing in front of me with her hands on her hips. “I’ve been around. I’ve been watching all of you. You haven’t been putting on an act. You’ve been changing, but it’s all real, Zandy. You’re growing up, you have things to aspire to, people to take care of—and people who want to take care of you. You’ve found your long-lost family, and you’re taking your role in it. Just let it happen the way it has been. Let it all just happen, girl. Don’t fight it now. Not when life has just started going your way. You do deserve this. You deserve your family. Take them. They want you. And you want them.”
She made it sound so easy. I wished she was right.
Shaking my head, I picked up my glass. “You’re a kid. You can’t understand this at all.”
“I’m a kid?” she asked, looking injured as she put her hand to her throat. “I can understand things, Zandy. I’m not a moron, but I’m beginning to think you might be.” She looked up as if listening to someone else. “No, strike that. You’re not a moron. What you are is so much worse than that. You’re inconsiderate. You’re unappreciative. And I can’t believe I have to say this to you, as I’ve never thought this way about you until right now, but you’re uncaring. You don’t care that your leaving will kill that little boy. You don’t care that your leaving will wound Kane. You just don’t care.” And with that, she turned and left me sitting there as she cried all the way back to her room, where she slammed the door shut behind her.
I didn’t know how to react. And I didn’t have anyone around to react to.
So I went to my bedroom and fell asleep. I slept for hours and hours, and only woke up because of the sound of my cell phone going off. It was the ringtone I’d set to Fox’s name.
Picking it up, I fought against the pain in my pounding head. “Stupid wine.” I swiped the screen. “Hi, Fox.”
“Hi, Mom. It’s Friday, and I know you’re busy at work, but it’s nine fifteen and Aunt Nancy’s not gonna let me stay up much longer, so I called you to say goodnight.”
Kane hasn’t told him.
“Oh. Well, I’m not at work. I stayed home,” I said as I rubbed my temple to help stop the headache. “I’m glad you called. I was asleep. I’m, uh, sick.”
“Gosh, I hope you’re better by Sunday when I get back home. I want to tell you all about my weekend adventure with Aunt Nancy and Uncle James.”
He’s got plans with me already.
I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t tell him that I wouldn’t be there. I couldn’t tell him that I would be leaving as soon as I could.
“Mom?”
“Um, I’ll see if I’m feeling better by then, Fox,” I had no idea what else to say.
“If you’re not better by then, can I come over to see you?” he asked, sounding a little worried.
“We’ll see.” I chewed my lower lip.
“I hope so.” He waited a beat. “I love you, Mom. Goodnight. I hope you get better soon.”
“I love you too. Goodnight.” I ended the call and the tears flooded my eyes once more.
What am I going to do?