Chapter 19

Caleb woke suddenly, disoriented.

He'd been dreaming again, anxiety stalking him even in his unconscious mind. Although he couldn't remember the particulars of the dream, he knew it was similar to the ones that had haunted him for weeks. Always he was with her, his beloved Danielle, and always it ended badly.

He was forced to watch her violated by faceless men. Worse still, they made him look on while they strangled her, while the light vanished from her eyes.

Then he did it himself.

He'd wrapped his big hands around her delicate neck and squeezed until the life faded from her face, leaving only a twisted smile.

Now he sat breathing heavily and pushing the specters of his nightmare away from him.

Dani lay beside him, her legs entwined with his own, her face relaxed in slumber. How easy it would be to slip back down beside her, to pull her into his arms and find oblivion one more time in her sweet and generous body.

Caleb had never met a woman like Dani before. She was beautiful, insightful, with a keen sense of humor as well as a quick temper that kept him on his toes. But all these things could not compare to her compassion, to her generosity of spirit.

As a boy, Caleb had longed for love and affection. He would have settled for attention. But he received none of these things. Instead of familial attachment, he was ignored.

The only time his parents bothered with him was when they wanted something. Caleb had fetched and carried. He'd cleaned the house, done laundry, and even attempted to cook when there was food in the fridge. He'd held his mother's hair when she'd thrown up for hours after a particularly heavy binge. He'd even scraped up the money to bail his father out of jail after a neighbor had called the cops on him after an exceptionally vicious fight between his parents. Despite all he'd done for them, they never once showed him they cared.

In just a few short weeks, this woman had penetrated his ancient defenses. She'd scaled his walls and dropped inside, spreading warmth to soothe his frozen soul. He remembered how she'd invited him into her body, even though he was an asshole who promised her nothing in return. And she'd listened to him as he spilled his demons onto her lap, and not once had she judged him.

The little professor had even come after him when the illegal mining operation's security team had caught him. She'd come up with the plan they needed to recover his phone, and she'd even managed to call for help. She did all this for him, and never once did she ask for anything in return. Instead, she gave him all of herself, unreservedly. It was truly remarkable.

Caleb wished to God that he could accept her selfless gift. He certainly returned her feelings. He loved this woman more than anything, more than breathing. But he wouldn't wish his love on his worst enemy.

His love was dangerous.

He couldn't control himself, not when it came to her. Not during their passionate encounters, and not when someone threatened her.

For now, his rage was focused outwards, focused on assholes like the Chief and his goons, on jerks like Dean Fischer. But would it always stay that way? Or was it possible that, as the years passed, it would shift not away from her but towards her, until his hands were wrapped around her throat in reality and not just his nightmares?

Perhaps it was inevitable. He was scarred, broken. She deserved better. She deserved someone who could keep her safe from the assholes and jerks of the world. She needed someone who could keep her safe from himself.

Caleb glanced at the clock on the bedside and saw that it was only an hour before dawn. Soon the light would come through her large windows and illuminate the bedroom. It was possible she would wake then, and if he saw the love in her eyes again, he knew he wouldn't be able to resist it. He would cave, selfishly, and bind this woman to him, whatever the risks, whatever the costs.

He couldn't let that happen. He wouldn't.

Slowly he slid across the bed and rose, padding from the room as silently as possible to hunt down his clothing.

He dressed, smiling when he tried to button his shirt and remembering that its buttons were now scattered around the living room floor. Looking around him in the dim light that came through the window from the lamppost outside, he saw elements of Dani all around him.

Books were piled on shelves, in stacks on the floor, on every end table and open surface. The walls were covered in tasteful abstract paintings, their bright colors and patterns a nice complement to the clean lines and simplicity of her other furnishings. Like the woman herself, her apartment was full of contradictions.

Caleb tiptoed back into the bedroom to stare down at Dani one last time. She was like an addiction, an obsession. It hurt to stand so close to her and not touch.

He knew in that moment that he would never be able to forget her, he would never let go of the love he felt for her. That knowledge made him consider his future. He couldn't risk seeing her again. Leaving now was already the hardest thing he'd ever do. He wouldn't be able to do it again.

He barely resisted the temptation to bend down and kiss her, to stroke her soft skin one last time. Instead, he turned and walked out of her room, out of her house, out of her life.

As he climbed into his truck and started it, he felt like his world was ending. It was as if he were trapped in stone, his body becoming a fossil that would never feel again.

He figured it was better this way, to numb himself from the pain. He hoped it wouldn't take eons, but he kind of thought that it likely would.

There was only one possible solution. He was an addict, and she was his addiction. He had to quit cold turkey. But he couldn't do that, not if he knew there was a chance of running across her again. It would require a complete severing of all ties. He'd have to pick up stakes, move on and leave Oregon behind.

It was the only way to make sure he stayed away from her.

Dawn was painting the sky in rosy strokes by the time he hit the coastal highway. Caleb ignored the breathtaking scenery, his mind on the night before. The memories were like precious artifacts, which he lovingly stored away to be pulled out each night, each day, in the solemn hours he spent alone with his thoughts.

At last, he pulled up the long driveway that led to Brice's beach house. He would grab a few hours of shut eye, then pack his things and head up to Portland to hand in his resignation at the Forestry Service. It would be the first step on the road to a new life. A life lived on the memories of a handful of moments with the most incredible woman he'd ever known.

* * * * *

Dani came awake gradually, the light from her windows shining on her face and warming her naked body. She stretched, straightening her arms and legs, tensing them and releasing.

A smile decorated her face, which was strange because, as a rule, she hated mornings. Her hair tumbled loose around her shoulders, and she giggled, thinking about the hard work she'd put in last night to look so tousled.

Dani turned to her side and opened her eyes, anticipating the sight of her handsome ranger, gloriously naked, relaxed in sleep. Instead, she discovered that the other side of her queen-sized bed was empty.

Caleb was nowhere in sight.

With a sigh, she rose and padded over to her closet to pull out her robe. As she slid the comfortable fabric over her shoulders, she realized that she was still wearing the silk thigh-high stockings from last night. She blushed at the memory of her lover sliding his warm tongue up and down the seams that lined the back of her legs.

As she moved from her room and into the hallway, she belted her robe around her. Perhaps he was in the kitchen, surprising her with breakfast. But Dani didn't smell any bacon or pancakes, or breakfast smells of any kind, not even coffee. The house was silent and gloomy.

The shower, she thought desperately and made her way to the bathroom. It was dark and unused, the tile floor cold. She flipped on the bright lights along the top of the bathroom mirror and faced herself.

Mascara was smeared underneath her eyes as if she'd been gearing up for some secret jungle mission. Her hair lay in snarls on her shoulders. Her lips were swollen, and she traced them gently with a fingertip.

Dani didn't like the look in her eye. It was frightened...sad...alone.

With a snarl she turned off the lights and stomped back into her living room. She pulled her anger around her, a shield to keep the loneliness at bay.

He'd done it again. He'd left her without saying a word. Son of a bitch! Well, she wasn't going to keep silent this time. Dani lunged for her phone, pressing the buttons to call the bastard who thought it was acceptable to make passionate love to a lady for hours and then leave before she even woke up.

The phone rang. And rang. And rang. Finally, an impersonal automated voice informed her that she had reached the voice message box for Caleb Hunt and to please leave a message after the tone.

She was livid.

She was dejected.

She was speechless.

Dani hung up and flung the phone away from her again, pacing the room with her arms folded across her chest and her head down. Her emotions were a chaotic jumble, tumbling over her like rocks in a landslide. She felt rejected.

Used.

Caleb had taken her home, had taken the refuge she'd offered in her own body, and then he had taken off.

Beyond that, she was hurt that he could turn off his feelings for her so easily. Dani had spent hours, days, thinking about him, waiting for him. He strolled into a room, and within minutes she was underneath him, clawing at his back and wrapping her legs around his waist as if she'd never let go. Caleb could experience all that, and still get up and walk out. It was devastating.

And then, at the margins, she could feel the old familiar foe, oozing in like poison gas to seal her in its clutches once again. Loneliness is like the stealthy cold that seeps into your skin, then your muscles, and finally your bones. It is the cold of an Artic winter night, where only a few minutes of exposure could lead to your death.

The chill threatened, its numbness only too easy to acknowledge. Just lie back, close your eyes, and accept the inevitable.

Everyone dies alone.

No! her inner voice wailed. I won't succumb, I'll fight with the only weapon I have left: scorching anger.

Comforting heat rose through her, blocking out the chill. She was furious that he had treated her this way, disregarding her emotions, making her feel cheap, like a faceless female good for only one thing.

And that was so far from the truth! No one should make her feel this way! She demanded justice! But how would she ever get it?

She froze, the weight of the events of last night and this morning plunging into her stomach like a stone and forcing her to collapse on the couch. Too many conflicting emotions were exhausting. Dani wanted to cry. She wanted to laugh. She wanted to punch someone. It was overwhelming, to say the least.

She grabbed her phone and dialed his number again. When the voicemail answered, she considered leaving him a message, but she hung up in indecision. What kind of message should it be?

Should she tearfully beg him to come back? Should she act casual and hope that he'd take pity on her? Should she cuss him out and threaten to shoot him?

The last option held real appeal for her. I guess you can't take the Texas out of the gal after all, she thought wryly. In the end, she decided not to leave a message at all.

Dani stared at her phone, willing it to ring. Maybe he'd left to get something -- maybe he was out right now, picking up breakfast, or planning some other surprise for the day.

Hope buoyed her suddenly, and she sat there, completely still, wanting so badly to believe that he was on his way back to her. She loved him, and would freely admit that now. After last night she could never imagine being with anyone else, ever. And she sensed that he loved her too, even if his actions so far were confusing.

The way he held her, the way he looked deeply into her eyes, the way he found little ways to help her, to protect her. These clues pointed towards a deep affection on his part. And the sex, the sex was beyond anything she'd ever experienced. It was a joining of souls, and she knew that he felt it, just as she did. She'd seen it in his eyes, felt it in his body when he was inside her.

They had connected, on more than just a physical level. Dammit! She knew about his issues, about his childhood skeletons, and how they haunted him even now. But together they could get past these things. They could conquer the loneliness within each of them and come out the other side, stronger.

Together.

The minutes passed, became a quarter hour, then a half, and then an hour had passed in silence. He hadn't returned. Dani figured that he wasn't going to. The whirl of emotions she'd kept at bay with her renewed hope crashed into her again, making her groan under the onslaught. Tears crept down her pale cheeks, leaving dark tracks as they passed through her smeared makeup. Painful sobs wracked her body, making her shake. Her vision blurred as she stared down at her phone and watched unhappily as she dialed Caleb's number again. Voicemail again. She hung up on the automated bitch.

Her emotions warred within her, her quaking body their battleground. Anger clashed swords with depression, and loneliness hid out in a midnight black cloak and stabbed either in the back whenever the opportunity presented itself.

Suddenly she just wanted to hear a friendly voice. Someone who would help her get perspective on the whole sordid mess. Someone who would help her figure out what to do -- accept her heartache or go after the man and at least give him a solid punch. Right in the nose.

At least that was a target she knew she could hit, unlike his heart.

Dani scrolled through her contacts, hitting the button to call Janna. She regretted abandoning her friend at the party last night without a word. She regretted a lot of things about last night.

No! her inner voice cried, reminding her of her old pal Anger. No, you don't! He's gonna regret it, though, when you finally get your hands on him.

It took several rings for Janna to pick up, and when she did, Dani was surprised at the roughness in her friend's voice.

"Janna," she blubbered, tears taking over. "Oh, Puchie, I screwed up."

"You and me both, sister," her friend replied mysteriously.

"So what happened? I figured you left with that hunk of a forest ranger. I hope he's not the problem. Or is it a certain Dean of Sciences who walked back into the party last night with a bloody nose and the stink of embarrassment all over him?"

"Oh shit!" Dani groaned. She'd forgotten all about Jeffrey. The mistakes were really piling up around here.

"Brice gave him an icepack and then had security discreetly escort him off the premises. I'd never seen Dean Fischer so livid before. You're really gonna be in for it now."
"Yeah, I know," Dani grumbled.

"Oh, and Brice told me to tell you that he's sorry about the whole thing. Dean Fischer sort of pressured Brice into an invitation. Well, it was more like blackmail."
Dani sighed. It figured. She sniffled loudly, and she could hear the concern in her friend's voice. "Oh Dani, what is it? Did he hurt you?"
"Yeah," she whispered in reply. "No. Oh, I don't know. Maybe I hurt myself. He kept warning me that we weren't good for each other. But I thought after last night, maybe he'd see things differently. Instead, he was gone when I woke up."
"What a bastard," Janna said, commiserating. "You know, I wouldn't have expected it of him. I saw the way he was watching you at the party. It was like he couldn't see anyone else but you. I wouldn't have pegged him for the random hookup type."
"He's not. Well, he was, but not...not anymore...Maybe I'm wrong."

Dani warred with herself, amazed that she was defending him, wondering if he'd been true to his words all along. "He avoids relationships, except the ones that only last the night. He's afraid of feeling too deeply, so he hides himself out in the woods and lives like a hermit."

"Hmm," Janna murmured. "This is beginning to make more sense. He's not using you for a no-strings lay. He's terrified of getting attached."
"I know. What I don't know is how to break him of it, or if I even should."

"Do you love him?"

Dani didn't hesitate to answer her friend's question. "Yes."

"Then you should."

"But how? Every time we've gotten close, he's pushed me away right after, like I've scalded him or something. He ignores me for as long as he can, then comes back, and I fall right back into his arms, only to get left behind again when reality returns. It's so frustrating!" Tears sprang up anew and she sobbed into the phone.

"Calm down," Janna soothed her. "Don't cry. Let's be constructive here. We're scientists. Let's analyze the problem rationally. Problem: You want him. He wants you. He's afraid to want you, so he runs away. Solution: You run after him."

Dani laughed through her tears. "Sounds so simple, huh? But what if he rejects me? What if he says I'm wrong, that he never wanted me in the first place? How could I stand that?"

"Will you really feel any worse than you do right now?"

Dani pondered her friend's words. Could she feel worse? Right now it felt like her insides were being torn apart. She felt like half a person, her other half lost in the world without her. She felt alone. "No," she admitted.

"Then go after him," Janna said softly.

"Right."

Dani pushed down her sadness and stood up. She felt better, having decided to take action. Janna was right. It was the only solution. She loved the bastard, and he was worth fighting for. "I'm gonna take a shower, get dressed, and head back into those damn woods."

"The ranger's not in the woods," Janna said. "Brice told me he let him borrow his beach house."

"Oh." Dani was surprised. "Well, then I'll call Masterson and get the address, then drive out there."
"Hang on," Janna said. Her friend covered the phone, but Dani could hear the muffled sound of conversation on the other end. Then she was back. "You got a pen?"

"What?" Dani was dumbfounded. "How'd you get the address?"

"From Brice."

"Is he there with you?"
"Yes," her friend admitted with a sigh. "I told you, we both made mistakes last night. Now grab a pen and something to write on."

Dani copied down the address, amazed that her friend had yielded to Brice Masterson's charms. She never would have guessed it, not after she'd ranted about his excesses within his earshot. Still, stranger things had happened, she supposed. She was the one who broke the dean's nose last night. Talk about unexpected.

"Thank you, Janna," Dani said, at last, staring down at the address scrawled on the back of a used envelope. "And don't think for one minute I'll let you out of giving me all the details of last night's escapade."

"Ditto, Dr. French. Looks like we've got quite an interesting conversation to have over lunch next week. I hope yours has a happy ending."
"Me too," Dani whispered, then ended the call.

It took an hour for her to take a shower, wash and dry her hair, and get dressed. She debated for a while what the appropriate I'm-gonna-make-you-love-me-and-not-take-no-for-an-answer outfit was, but she couldn't decide and finally settled on a white cami under a functional blue sweater with a wide neck and a pair of worn jeans.

She left her hair loose, falling in gentle waves past her shoulders. Dani decided to forgo makeup this time because she hated the way it looked when it smeared beneath tears. She expected the type of conversation she was going to have wouldn't be one that encouraged dry eyes.

Dani climbed into her Subaru Outback and pulled out her trusty Oregon map. She checked the address again, and after looking it up on her phone, she determined its position on the laminated map before her. Finally, she buckled her seatbelt, started the motor, and backed out of her parking lot. With a determined grin, she inhaled deeply, ready to face the handsome ranger and show him that he couldn't live without her.