I take her into the kitchen and pour us both some orange juice. Pru sits on one of the bar stools and smiles at me over her glass. Even though this is incredibly weird, but at the same time it feels really natural to have her here. She lights up the place and looks like she belongs. The fact that she looks so good here allows my mind to concoct the most wonderful fantasy where she stays here all the time, where she lives here and she is with me. We’re together as a couple.
Stop it you fool, I warn myself. What the hell are you playing at?
“So, erm, when do you start working? I never thought to ask you that?”
“Day after tomorrow,” she sighs audibly. “I hope it goes better than moving into my apartment did. I’m so sorry about that, by the way. I still feel really awful about it. I can’t believe…”
“Pru.” I reach across and touch her hand, trying to ignore the sparks of excitement that she has bolting thought me. “Please stop apologizing. I honestly don’t mind. I don’t want you to feel guilty anymore. I’m happy to help you. I want to be here for you. It’s my…” I almost finish that sentence with the word job but I stop myself at the last moment. I don’t need that reminder.
“I suppose I better get to bed now,” Pru announces while hopping down. “I might not be tired but I don’t want to lie in all day tomorrow. I have a lot that I want to do.”
She pauses in front of me and gazes up at me through her eyelashes looking so pretty it hurts. I freeze, unable to do anything other than look at her. Even as she rests her hands on my chest and she pushes herself up onto her tiptoes, I do nothing.
Her mouth edges closer to mine, allowing her breath to tickle my lips. I know this is my time to pause, to push her away from me and to keep the boundaries very clear, but I don’t. My brain is screaming at me to do so, but I simply cannot do it. I feel messy, muddy, raw and not necessarily in a bad way. I tilt my head downwards and I give myself over to her in a way that I probably shouldn’t.
Then, our lips connect for just a brief, glorious second. It’s barely anything, just a little brush, but my God it makes me feel alive. I’ve never felt anything like it in my life. I don’t usually do much kissing anyway, I just get right to it, but even if I do it’s never sweet and tender like this. It’s passionate, frantic, rapid. This is insanely wonderful, I’m loving every single second of it.
It proves to me that I am in too deep, I’m in so much trouble.
“Goodnight,” she whispers. “See you in the morning.”
“Yeah… see you then.”
Chapter Sixteen – Prudence
My whole body trembles as I make my way into the spare bedroom in Logan’s home. I’m all lit up, electrified, I feel like I am absolutely on fire. I cannot believe how this night has gone. One moment I was at my new apartment, feeling like shit as terror coursed through my veins, and now I’m in Logan’s home after just kissing him… oh my God, I cannot believe that I just did that!
I kissed Logan, I think with a bright smile on my face as I collapse back onto the warm, cozy bed sheets. I leaned up and I kissed him… and it felt absolutely incredible.
I bring my fingers up to touch my lips as they buzz with the memory of Logan there. It wasn’t a passionate, sexy kiss or anything like that, but it was my very first. I’m so happy that it was with him, I don’t think there’s anyone else in the world I would much rather be with. Maybe now he would really see that I’m an adult, someone that he should actually consider to be his. I’m sure he looked at me differently then, I really think I spotted something new there. I think he might want me.
I squeeze my thighs together as my pussy pulses with need, there’s an intense aching between my legs that’s more powerful than anything I’ve ever experienced before. At first it feels like something I need to hide, something I’m going to have to disguise just like every single time I get a burst of desire… but then I remember that I’m not in the center anymore, I’m not sharing a room with loads of other people… I’m completely by myself. I’m alone in Logan’s room.
I twist back over and lie flat on my back with my legs fallen far apart. I don’t really know what I’m doing, I just know that it’s something I want to experience. My fingers touch my lips, and I picture him there again. Only this time he’s kissing me deeply, with his hand hooked around the back of my head to hold me in place. He’s claiming me, needing me there, and I absolutely love it. I want him to control me because he knows what he’s doing way more than me.
Then my fingers slowly trace down my neck and I loll my head to one side, imagining Logan’s incredible lips brushing all over me. My hips buck off the bed as the intensity gets the better of me. I can barely stand it any longer. I cannot believe that I’ve gone all this time without ever doing this before. My hand moves lower down and I grab onto my breast. I feel a little bit like a freak doing that, but it feels so good. My hard nipple bursts hard against my hand, and every time I scrape past it I can’t help but shudder. It’s crazy, I’m like a sex fiend, an animalistic freak and I love it. I slide my eyes closed and I cave into the feelings completely. I’m a slave to how Logan has me feeling.
“Oh God,” I mutter quietly to myself, my breaths gasping desperately. “Oh, Logan.”
There isn’t any other man I would like to do this with. I don’t feel desire for anyone else, it’s only him that makes me feel this way and that’s special. I dive my hand lower, towards my panties where I’m now feeling aggravated. I’m frustrated I’m so needy, I can’t hold back any longer.
“Oh yeah, touch me there,” I murmur, pretending to talk to Logan. “Right there.”
I brush my fingers along the edge of my panties, lightly touching the wisp of hair in there. It isn’t an area of my body that I usually pay any attention to so it feels even more incredible. I crawl down slowly, moving in a tantalizingly slow manner. I can’t wait, but at the same time I’m taking my time, dragging out the sensation for as long as humanly possible. I don’t want it to be over.
“Oh fuck.” Finally, I feel something wet and hot down there, and it makes my hips flip off the bed again. I run my finger up and down my slit loving the feel of it. “Oh, fucking hell, Logan.”
I picture his hand pushing into me as he props himself above me. He stares deeply into my eyes, looking like he wants to roughly fuck me but he’s trying to be gentle. I don’t know what I want myself, I know that I need to be treated kindly but at the same time I want him to lose control.
I push two fingers into me, imagining that it’s him doing that to me, and almost instantly my heart races violently against my rig cage. Butterflies flap in my stomach, I’m shivering and shaking, it feels so amazingly good. I massage my insides for a while, loving the sensations. God, I wish that it really was him. I really wish that Logan would burst through that door in a frenzy himself and he’d jump on the bed with me. I wish he would kiss me everywhere, all over my thighs, between my legs, the most special place where I would love to experience his lips and tongue right now.
“Oh my God, Logan.” In my imagination, my mouth consumes me. “That feels so… so…”
All of a sudden, an instinct takes control of my hands and I pull my fingers out of me. I rub slightly higher, finding a place that feels even better. I didn’t know it was possible but it’s wonderful. I feel like I’m a flower, opening up to this man who I want more than anything else in the world. My body is on fire, it’s exploding, it’s wonderful, it makes me feel like I’m actually in love.
“Logan, I… I love you…” I murmur as a pressure builds up in my chest. A heat burns in my toes and it creeps up through my legs and up to my stomach. “I love you, please love me back.”
In my mind, he leans down and he kisses my lips tenderly. He tells me that he has always loved me and that he intends to take care of me no matter what. That makes me feel amazing, all I’ve ever wanted is to be loved and now I finally have that. It’s absolutely everything to me. I’m so glad that I’m here with him rather than all by myself in that home where I don’t feel ready to grow up. Here, I’m exactly the adult that I need to be. He makes me the person I have always wanted to be.
All of a sudden, I feel like I’ve been pushed over an edge and the pressure explodes and rolls over me in waves. It comes harder and faster, it doesn’t stop and I don’t want it to end. My fingers keep moving all over me, I can hear rasping moans coming out of my mouth. I have no idea how loud I’m being and to be honest I don’t care. There’s a big part of me that wants to be caught out. I want Logan to see me right now while I’m at my most vulnerable. After what happened in the kitchen before, after that amazing kiss, I want him to see what he’s done to me. I wish that he would stand in the corner of the room and watch me as I orgasm hard and fast because of him.
Finally, the feelings subside and my breaths calm themselves down. My heart still pounds and my brain doesn’t get rid of the sexy images of me and Logan, but I become more myself. The animal inside of me is tamed for the time being, and all I have left is a smile on my face.
I do love Logan, I think to myself with utter clarity. I really do, I want him to be mine.
I slide my eyes closed again and I imagine his arms wrapping around me, holding me close to him while we lie down to sleep. That actually feels even better than what we just did which proves to me that I want it all. I want him to love me with absolutely everything that he has. I think he wants that too, but it might take him a little bit longer to admit it to himself.
Still, I’m here now with him, far away from the center. We’re together in his house, just one step away from becoming a couple if he allows that to happen. I really hope that he does.
***
The morning light streams through the window, alerting me to the morning. I must have forgotten to shut the curtains last night as I fell into bed in a hurry. I was so desperate to get some much needed relief, that nothing else mattered. It doesn’t bother me now though, I’m happy to be awake. I’m simply dragging myself away from dream Logan to be with the real him.
I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and stand in a much more rapid motion than usual. When I woke up at the center, I would lie still for a while and wait for everyone else to start being loud because it was the only moment of peace that I was ever offered in my life. Now though, I have all the peace I want in the world, and I don’t want any of it. I just want to see Logan.
I move towards the small mirror hanging on the wall and I stare at my reflection. My hair is manic, sticking all over the place, and my face is all imprinted with prints from the pillow case, but my expression is so damn happy that none of that matters. I look shiny and new. I don’t even mind going to see Logan while I look this way. I want him to know that this smile is all for him.
I tiptoe towards the bedroom door and press my ear up against it to see if I can hear noises. At first, it’s really silent, I think that Logan might still be asleep… or maybe he’s gone to work already, leaving me here all by myself. I don’t know if that’s better actually because it gives me some time to get adjusted, to make sure I’m actually acting like a normal person before I speak with him…
But as I swing the door open, I’m stunned by the image of him sitting at his kitchen counter staring at the laptop screen intently as if he’s looking for the answer to life in there. He doesn’t notice me at first which gives me a moment to lean against the door frame while I drink every inch of him in. He’s so damn gorgeous it hurts. It kills me that I can’t simply cross the room and put my arms around him.
“Oh.” All of a sudden, he senses me. “Pru, you’re up. Did you sleep well?”
“Yeah, I did,” I smile. “Your bed is really comfortable. Thank you for letting me stay here. I never would have been able to get any rest while sleeping in my bed at the apartment.”
He doesn’t say anything at first, he just stares back at the screen. I can’t help feeling disappointed that whatever he’s looking at seems to be so much more interesting than me. How is that fair? I’m standing here all flushed and excitable, happy for him, but he doesn’t even notice.
“Can I have some coffee, please?” I ask while striding into the kitchen. I’ll make my presence known in one way or another. “Is that okay?”
“Yeah sure,” he replied distractedly. “Then I want you to come and look at this. I think I might have found a new apartment for you.”
Chapter Seventeen – Logan
Pru’s expression turns to one of absolute horror. She reverts from the stronger, more confident woman that she’s slowly becoming to the scared young lady who doesn’t know what she’s doing with herself. I knew that her last apartment scared her, but this is something new, something else. This is an unbridled fear that seems to come from absolutely nowhere.
“I’ll make sure it isn’t in a bad neighborhood,” I reassure her. “And I’ll help you out again, there isn’t anything that you need to worry about. I will look after you, I promise. Honestly, Pru, you must know by now that I’m not going to just toss you out there to deal with this on your own.”
Pru clutches the empty mug between her fingers, staring up at me desperately. “Logan, I can’t.” She shakes her head rapidly. “I can’t do that, I don’t want to move out.”
I narrow my eyes and try to work out what the hell is going on with her. When the fear completely floods her face, I close the laptop and bite down on my bottom lip. “Pru, what’s going on here? What are you trying to say? I’m doing my best to help you out but I can’t if I don’t know what you want to do. You can either go back to your apartment and try again, get a new one, or go back to the center and it seems to me that the last thing you want to do is go back.”
“No, I definitely don’t want to go back… to the center or my apartment.”
“Okay, so then we’ll have to look for something new. You have to live somewhere.”
“Can’t I stay here?” she asks in a small tone of voice. “I like it here, I feel safe. I like being here with you, Logan, it’s the only time out in the city that I’m not scared.”
A weird hollow feeling crushes my chest. After the kiss that we shared last night, one that definitely shouldn’t have happened, we cannot stay in the same house together. It’s a recipe for disaster. It was bad enough anyway, but now it’s utterly terrifying. I want to keep her here, of course I do, I would love nothing more than to watch over her all the time, but I have already proven to myself that I can’t do it. If I had the strength to stop myself from kissing her back then maybe I would be able to agree now, but I didn’t so now I can’t. I hate myself for it, but what choice do I have left? I’m going to have to disappoint her now so that we can both be free later on.
“You know that you can’t, Pru,” I say with a shake of my head. “It isn’t appropriate.”
“I’m not asking to stay forever.” She’s almost begging me now, she’s so desperate for me to agree that it’s hard to resist. “Just for a little while so I can get on my feet. Just while I… I start my new job and work out more about the city. I’ve been locked away for so long, I just need… I need some time. I need to get adjusted, this is all so… so new to me. Once I get used to it, I’ll be fine.”
Her desperation tugs at my heart strings, it churns up all my emotions and leaves me stuck and confused. I don’t know what to think now, it’s all so messy. I don’t want to turn her away and make her life spiral, but I can’t do this. It isn’t right. Even if there wasn’t all this underlying weirdness there, it still isn’t right. I need to keep a professional distance at all times.
“I understand that, Pru, but you must see why this is a tough situation for me.”
“I know, I know.” Tears ball up in the corner of her eyes and I feel dreadful. “I know that I’m asking you to do too much for me, and that I shouldn’t but I’m scared. I’m trying so hard to step out into this bravely, but it isn’t as easy and straightforward as I thought it was going to be.”
I turn away from Pru, knowing that if I keep staring at her I’ll crack, but still her face imprints in my mind. I can see the intense sadness, the horror, the hurt that she’s experiencing, it’s written all over her face like the pages of a tragic book. I promised to be the person to make this easier for her, and now I’m ripping the rug out from underneath her feet just as I put it there. I know that I should for myself, but it isn’t as simple as that. I mean, how truly important is my job if I can’t follow it right through to the very end? What sort of man does that make me?
“It would only be until I get settled, I promise you that,” she says with a quiet voice. “I wouldn’t want to impose on you. I know you’ve already done so much for me.”
I sigh loudly, breathing out my nose with frustration. There’s a piece of my heart that’s cracking and shattering into millions of shards. My head and heart wrestles and I let them duke it out for a while. I need to make the smart choice, not just the emotional one because I have an unhealthy attachment to Pru. But despite all my protests, my heart eventually wins me around.
“Pru, if I let you stay here we have to… we must keep our distance from one another, do you understand that?” I cling onto the side to hold myself up. “We have to behave.”
“What do you mean?” she asks, in a much too innocent voice. “Behave?”
“I mean we can’t do anything like last night,” I continue through gritted teeth. “We can’t act like that around one another. It isn’t right, it isn’t proper. You must understand that.”
Pru doesn’t answer me and a thick silence clings to the air. I don’t turn around at first because I don’t want to see the expression on her face. I’m hurting her, probably breaking her heart, but it’s for the best. At least if she’s here I can oversee everything and make sure that she doesn’t do anything crazy in the long haul to get over me. And she will get over me in the end. It might take her longer if she stays here, but it’ll be fine in the end. She’s much stronger than she knows.
“Pru?” I ask, while tilting me head slightly. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”
Still she says nothing, so I’m forced to turn back to see her. She hops from foot to foot, something that I’ve noticed she does when she gets nervous. My arms instinctively reach out to wrap around her, but I stop them at the last minute and I allow them to fall by my sides. That’s just the sort of shit that I was talking about, the stuff I really cannot do with Pru. I just need to keep away.
“I do understand what you’re saying,” she says with a sorrowful voice. “And I know that you’re right. Last night was… it was my fault. I never should have… well, you know. I just wanted you to know how grateful I was. For letting me stay here and stuff. It didn’t mean… anything.” She’s lying, we both know that. “I won’t step out of line again. I just want to be somewhere I feel safe.”
I can’t turn her down, I’ve never been very good at letting Pru down and it seems that this is the same right now. Even when absolutely everything is on the line I can’t say no.
“And another thing, you cannot let anyone know that you’re here, do you understand? I can’t risk losing out on my job because I’ve allowed you to stay here. Your official address will be your apartment, okay?” I know I’m being firm, but that feels necessary to me right now.
“Of course, I won’t tell anyone. It’ll be our little secret.” She delights in sharing a secret with me, but I try to ignore that. I also have to ignore the way it makes me feel inside too. “I’ll be good, I promise you and I’ll be out before you can ever get into any trouble. Thank you, Logan.”
She takes a step closer to me which instantly makes me bolt up. The chasm of distance between us needs to be even bigger than ever. “I have to go to work,” I remind her. “But you don’t start today, do you?” She shakes her head rapidly. “Okay, well you stay here today. Just keep out of view, okay? And I’ll try my hardest not to be late back.” I cock my head curiously at her. “Will you be okay? You can take a shower, watch TV, read any books I have, or use the laptop. There’s plenty of food in the fridge and there are drinks, so I’m sure there’s nothing you need to go out for…”
“I’ll be fine,” she reassures me. “Thank you, Logan. In fact, I’m going to take a shower right now. You… you have a good day at work and I’ll see you later on when you get home.”
I watch her skip from the room, all lightness now. She shimmies into my bathroom and I hear the water switch on. The idea that she’s about to strip down and step into my shower has my mouth salivating desperately. There’s a deep dark part of myself that wants to forget everything that I just said and to leap in the shower with her, to get that satisfaction that I’m so desperately craving, but I don’t. I force my feet to remain exactly where they are until it’s time for me to walk in the other direction, towards the door. I have to get to work, there isn’t any other option.
By the time I get into my car, the panting breaths are desperately falling out of my mouth. The danger of this damn crazy situation hits me even harder and I feel like I might actually fall apart. I bang my hands angrily against the steering wheel, hating myself for being so weak. Now I have to do the impossible. I have to go into work and act like all is okay. I have to pretend to all my colleagues that I don’t have Pru damn well living in my house like she’s my girlfriend or something.
Maybe it’s a good thing that I’m not close to any of them, they would be able to see through me.
“Idiot,” I mutter to myself as I put my car into gear. “Idiot, idiot, idiot.”
I don’t think I’ve been played, I’m sure Pru’s emotions were genuine, but only time will tell how true that is. I’ll just have to give her enough time to settle into her job then I’ll bring up her apartment again. Maybe the idea of her living in the apartment in this building isn’t such a bad idea after all. That way she’ll feel safe, I can still watch her, and we’ll have the separation that we both so clearly need. We’ll have walls between us, making it impossible for us to kiss and anything more.
I whiz along the roads, probably much too quickly because I’m barely thinking straight and I head straight towards the office, feeling like I’m headed into doom. To my death, even.
No one knows, there’s no way anyone will be able to already tell what I’ve done, but I feel exposed and vulnerable, like my heart is pounding on my sleeve.
Just get today out of the way, I reassure myself. After that it’ll get easier, and like Pru said it won’t be for long.
Chapter Eighteen – Prudence
My heart hammers as I slide the new uniform over my body, preparing myself for my first day at work. I spent most of yesterday trying to prepare myself for this, but still I don’t feel ready. I feel like the fact that I’ve been so closed off from the world will instantly be obvious and I’ll be picked on for it. The girls liked me when I first met them, but things might be different now. They might have just been being polite. Oh God, what if they absolutely despise me and it’s miserable? What if I made the wrong choice by picking this job and I live to regret it every day?
“Pru, are you coming out yet?” Logan calls from the other side of the door in a reassuring tone of voice. “Come on, the uniform can’t be that bad. Let me see it.”
The nerves subside a little at the sound of voice. I’m so glad that I’m here with him and not alone. I don’t know if I’d be able to get out the house if I was. I’ve never been happier that he decided to cave and let me stay. There was a moment when I definitely didn’t think he would.
“I’m coming,” I call back in a sing song tone of voice. “Hold on let me just…”
I straighten down the pencil skirt, puff out the blouse, and smile at my reflection. I have my hair scraped back into a ponytail and a little bit of make-up dusted on my cheeks, and I think I look quite nice. Especially when I slip my feet into the heels that go with it, raising me up higher.
Finally, I give up and I exit the room, holding my shoulders back and my head high. Logan’s eyes practically bug out of his head as he sees me, almost as if I look sexy. Of course I don’t, I’m really covered up, but I like the way that his reaction makes me feel all the same.
“So, do I look okay?” I ask while turning around to show him the outfit from every angle.
“You look wonderful, Pru,” he gushes while clutching his hands to his chest. “Oh wow, you look like you can take on the world. Are you excited about your first day?”
He’s in a much better mood than he was yesterday, but I think that’s because he was nervous. He had to go to work after agreeing to let me stay with him, which probably freaked him out.
“I think so.” I don’t want to bore him with my anxiety. “It should be fine, right?”
“You had a great time at the job interview, didn’t you? I think that guarantees you a good start.”
I really hope that he’s right. “Yeah, well I suppose I better go. There will be a bus in a moment.”
The best thing about my apartment was how near it was to the job. Logan’s is miles away and involves a lot of trouble but I don’t mind. I would still much rather be here with him.
“You know I would give you a ride, don’t you? If I could, I mean. But we cannot risk…”
“I know, I know.” I almost roll my eyes at him. “We can’t risk being seen. Even if it’s just one friend helping out another. I understand that. I don’t mind getting the bus anyway, it’ll be fine.”
Of course that turns out to be famous last words. When I actually try and get the bus it’s a nightmare. I can’t find the bus stop easily, then I can’t work out which bus I need to get onto, then when I actually work it out which one I need to get onto it’s horrible. The bus is smelly, it’s uncomfortable to ride in, and the other people on it scare me. Like, really badly. The women aren’t too bad, they don’t even really register on my radar, but the men seem to have dagger eyes, staring into my soul and crushing me violently along the way. It’s hard to breathe, I can’t really stand it.
By the time the bus pulls up as near to the store as it goes, I hop out and suck in a couple of deep and calming breaths. I would like much more time to get myself in order, but I’m nearly late now and I don’t want to make a bad impression. My first day is going to be terrifying enough.
Come on, Pru, I hold my head high as I give myself a pep talk. Just survive this.
My eyes flick up at the store sigh, making my heart stop dead in my chest for just a second. This place that looked so inviting not so long ago now looks like it has monster teeth ready to pierce my skin and consume me. I’m about to step willingly into it, allowing myself to be swallowed up,
“Ah, Prudence,” a strong male voice calls out to me, beckoning me inside. “You’re here. Good, are you ready for your first day? It’s going to be a busy one, we have a sale on…”
I follow him in on autopilot, knowing that’s what I’m supposed to do, and I see a gaggle of girls behind him, two of which I recognize from the time I came for my interview.
I lift one hand to half wave and thankfully all four of them wave back at me. They look friendly enough, which is a good thing. This is why I’m here after all, to make friends.
“Right, Prudence, I’m just going to take you through our sales techniques before we open up…”
“Mr. Turner, really?” One of the girls rolls her eyes. “Do you have to be so heavy right away? Can we not introduce ourselves first?” She doesn’t wait for him to answer, she just bolts right through displaying a confidence that I could only dream about. “I’m Alice, this is Hayley, Sue, and Becky. We’ll look after you today so you don’t have to suffer the long speech about sales…”
“I’m doing it anyway,” Mr. Turner says firmly. “So, you might as well endure it.”
I try to listen to him, I really do, but as he drones on about closing and the one, two, three technique, my brain switches off. Then when he gets into bait and switch I’m gone. My brain is with the four girls and their incessant giggling behind his back. Sales, I’m sure that I’ll figure out, but friendship is going to take some time. I would rather cultivate that side first.
Finally, the speech ends and it’s time to get to get to work. The store doors open, and as Mr. Turner suggested it’s really busy. Endless streams of people fill the store end to end, and all of a sudden, I’m in the deep end. The other girls head off in every direction, already knowing what to do, leaving me completely and utterly by myself. I should have listened…
I can do this, I tell my panicky heart. I’ll figure it out as I go.
“Hello there…” I say quietly to one person who looks a little friendlier, but she turns her back on me, shutting me down completely. “Hi, can I help you?” I try with someone else. Nope, nothing. No response at all. “Erm, I like that… the top will look really nice on you…”
Shit, why didn’t I listen? I don’t know what to do now! I glance around wildly, searching for an escape route but there doesn’t seem to be one Just keep trying, don’t be knocked down.
This is what the real world must be like, swimming against the tide for a while. I suppose it would be naïve of me to assume that I would just step into this and all would be okay, it’s going to take some work. I need to keep thrashing and swimming until it becomes easier. Soon enough I’m sure I’ll be like Alice and the other girls who aren’t having any issues at all, and I’ll be swimming with the tide instead. I just need to get there myself, then it’ll be absolutely fine.
I try again, holding my head high. “Hi, can I help you with something…”
“Where are the scarves?” one girl asks me coldly. “I need a black scarf.”
“Oh right, erm…” Again, this was something that Mr. Turner probably told me, but I was too busy trying to slide myself into the social group to care. “They are… over there.”
“No.” All of a sudden, I’m shocked by Mr. Turner’s voice right behind me. “They are over in the left-hand corner. Please, let me come with you to assist you with that.”
He shoots me an angry look as he stalks off with the customer which makes me feel sick. My stomach churns, butterflies flap angrily, turning into birds, and my heart becomes encased in an ice-cold sensation. I’m screwed I know it, I’m in a real idiotic mess here. One of my own making.
I flick my eyes everywhere, begging for someone to rescue me from this horrible situation, but there isn’t anyone. I’m on my own, I have no comfort blanket to fall on because I’m an adult, completely by myself. This is how it has to be now, I can’t be sheltered forever.
With that thought, my chest gets unbearably tight, I can’t breathe anymore. I try my hardest to suck back air, probably looking like an insane person to everyone else, but I don’t care. I can’t breathe at all, my throat has closed over, my lungs are squeezed tight. There’s no way I can stay alive like this! My hand reaches up to my throat, I hold it for protection, but it still doesn’t help.
My vision blurs and starts to go black and the sounds all shut off around me. I truly am alone now, stuck in my own little bubble, but it isn’t peaceful. Still, it’s terrifying.
Help, my brain screams out. Help me, please someone, see what’s happening here…
Just as I’m certain that I might fall, I feel a hand wrap around my arm and I’m yanked. I don’t know what’s happening or where I’m going, but it has to be better than here.
“Are you okay? Here, please drink some water. Sit down, I think you need to sit.”
My vision eventually clears a little and I see Alice standing in front of me, her face filled with concern. She hands me a glass and I drink from it, the water shaking all the way into my mouth and down my throat. It tastes good, really nice and cold.
“Right, Alice.” All of a sudden, I can hear Mr. Turner. “You go back to work, I’m here now.”
Alice leaves and Mr. Turner comes into view. I brace myself, waiting for him to yell at me, but somehow there isn’t any anger in his face at all. He is simply looking at me with concern.
“Are you okay, Prudence? What happened out there?”
“I… I’m sorry, I didn’t know where the scarves were and I should have listened, I shouldn’t…”
“No, no. I didn’t mean that. I mean are you sick? You don’t look well at all.”
He rests his hands on my shoulders in what I presume is supposed to be a reassuring gesture but instantly I flinch backwards. I can’t stand the sensation of his hand on my skin, I hate the way that anyone touching me feels. Especially anyone male.
Well, except for Logan, he’s a very different story.
“You can go home if you feel sick, I don’t mind you starting tomorrow.”
“No, no.” I shake my head, needing to say anything to get me out of this room. “It’s fine. I’m okay. I’ll be fine now.”
Then I leave at the speed of light without looking back. Being out there in the scary swamp is preferable to being in here with him. The touch was innocent, I know that, but still I hate it. It reminds me of far too much.
Chapter Nineteen – Logan
It feels good to get home from work a little early, now that I don’t have anything to hang around for. It makes me realize just how much extra time I wasted at the center before, hoping for a chance to see Pru. Now I don’t need to, because I can see her here when she finally gets back.
Thankfully, because no one has found out anything about me and Pru – which is hardly surprising since we’re being so damn careful – I can relax about it. I can simply enjoy it for what it is. Me and her, having a nice, innocent friendship until she eventually moves out. Today, with it being the first day of her new job, I know we’re on the first step to that which is good because she looks utterly irresistible in her uniform. It was such a struggle to keep away from her this morning. If she’s around all the time looking like that, I might just forget who the hell I am, who we both are.
Still, I need to do something nice for Pru, I need to make her feel good, to celebrate today. She’s taken a bit step today and that deserves a celebration. I can’t do anything too fancy, but I suppose I could make her dinner. It isn’t much, but that’s nice enough, isn’t it? She’ll like it, I’m sure.
I whistle to myself as I grab the ingredients out the cupboard to make us both a nice meal. It feels good to cook for two rather than one, which isn’t something I thought I would ever feel. It makes me want to put in a bit more effort to do something nice rather than easy. I guess the quick easy meals are just a staple part of the bachelor life, and something I’ll be back to soon…
“Hey!” I turn as I hear Pru’s voice as she lets herself in. She needs the key to come and go at different times to me so this isn’t surprising. “Logan, are you home yet”?
“Yeah, I’m in the kitchen.” I wait impatiently for her to come and join me. “So, how was it? How was the big first day? Did you have lots of fun? Did you sell lots of stuff…?”
My enthusiasm wanes as her face falls, instantly I feel like I’ve said the wrong thing. This is supposed to be a positive thing, a celebration, not something that she looks so sad about.
“It was okay,” she replies cagily. “It’s tired me out though, I didn’t expect the day to feel so long.” She takes a seat at the dining table and looks at her hands. “But yeah, it was fine.”
“You do realize that I know when you’re lying to me?” I say slowly. “I’ve spent the last five years talking to you, and not all of it’s been the truth. This isn’t the truth now.”
Pru doesn’t answer me, instead she pushes out her chair and she storms from the room into the spare bedroom. The door doesn’t quite slam behind her, but it doesn’t shut quietly either. She’s clearly very upset and I know that I need to give her time to come around. So, I don’t push her, I don’t walk in after her and demand that she tells me what’s going on because I know it’ll make her shut down. Instead I give her time while I continue on with cooking dinner.
Eventually, just as I put the plates on the table and I’m ready to call her out to eat, she emerges in much more comfortable clothing. A tight-fitting tank top and sweat pants, which make her look almost as incredible as she did in her work uniform. Maybe even more so.
“Sorry about that,” she mutters quietly. “I just had a really bad day, that’s all.”
“It wasn’t what you were expecting?” I sit down and indicate for her to do the same. I’m not going to make a big fuss about dinner anymore. “What happened? Tell me about it.”
She sighs and joins me at the table. Pru picks up her fork and she digs in to the food, barely even looking at me as she does. “I was just out of my depth, that’s all. I didn’t know what to do. I mean, the boss gave me a big speech about closing sales and stuff, but I didn’t listen. I was too busy…”
“You shouldn’t have to learn all that stuff right away! The boss must understand that,” I insist.
“No, he wasn’t bad or anything, I just… I was too busy hoping that I could make friends to think about it and then I got all panicky about it and I couldn’t breathe for a moment. I had to go out in the back and… well, it got all weird and I think I’ve made a terrible impression.”
My heart goes out to her all over again. She’s trying her hardest, pushing herself in ways that she probably didn’t think was possible, and now one set back has her all messed up. I feel like storming down to that store and explaining to her boss myself… but I know that isn’t wise. That’ll make me seem like her dad or something, which is all kinds of wrong. I also don’t want to make her stand out more than she already does, just for being beautiful and different.
“Have you already forgotten all the self-confidence tricks we talked about?” I ask her with a bright smile, trying to make it feel like less of a big deal to her. “Was I that forgettable?”
“No, I know the breathing, I remember the posture, and the ‘fake it til you make it’. But it’s impossible to do out of the office. I can do it with you, but not in the real world…”
“The most important thing that you need to do is keep your head clear, because once your brain clouds up, things become impossible.” I stare at her intently, wondering if my words are going in. “Did you remember to keep your head clear or did you instantly start worrying about things out of your control?” When she doesn’t answer me, I know that I’ve hit the nail on the head. “Well then of course things got difficult. I bet they got a little easier once the day went on though, right?”
She pauses and bites down on her bottom lip. “Yeah, I suppose so. The morning was worst.”
“Well there you go then!” I toss my hands in the air in celebration. “Everyone struggles in the beginning, whenever anyone starts a new job. This isn’t abnormal. I think you put far too much pressure on yourself. Just keep taking each day as it goes and eventually it won’t seem so bad.”
Pru nods slowly, finally taking at least some of my words in. “I hope you’re right.”
We continue to eat in silence, and as we do I examine her from where I sit. She’s washed off her make up, I didn’t realize it until now. It doesn’t make her look child-like anymore though, there’s a knowledge to her face that makes her look adult. She’s absolutely gorgeous.
“Do you want a desert?” I ask as I stand up. “I have some ice cream or cake if you’d prefer.”
As I stroll past Pru, I rest my hand reassuringly on her shoulder for just a second. I intend it to be just a brief moment to let her know that I’m there, I do expect it to be anything else, but Pru shocks me by clapping her hand over mine and holding it there. She glances down at it there on her bare skin as if it holds some answers for her. I want to ask Pru what’s going on in her mind, but I don’t. I let her stare, I allow her to work out whatever it is. Clearly, it’s something she needs.
“Is everything okay, Pru?” I ask her curiously once too much time passes. “What’s going on?”
She stares up at me, seemingly understanding something that I don’t. “Sorry, Logan, I know… I know that I shouldn’t…” She stammers awkwardly. “I don’t know what I…”
She pushes her chair up, knocking my hand off her as she does. I half expect her to race back into her bedroom to maintain the distance between us, but she doesn’t. She steps closer to me, closing the gap between us, I can almost feel her heart racing in her chest.
This is wrong, I tell myself. So, so wrong. I need to step back, to do something…
But I can’t. The invisible, gravitational pull between us brings us closer, connecting us at every single inch of our bodies. I am acutely aware of every single part of her, all of her as it moves and slides closer to me. Whatever my hand on her shoulder meant, it’s awoken something in her, something very similar to the moment when we shared that kiss only a couple of days ago, but this time there’s something much more intense about it. It’s so dangerous, but I crave it.
“Pru, we…” I try to speak but my voice is raspy and desperate. “I don’t know…”
“I don’t know either,” she confesses but she doesn’t pull away. “But it feels right.”
She’s right, and I know it, so as she wraps her arms around me and she lifts herself up onto her tiptoes, I can’t resist any longer. My pulse races, my stomach flip flops, my body freaks.
I lean down and I kiss her hard, losing my mind completely. I turn my thoughts off completely, I don’t even bother to acknowledge the rest of the world anymore. I’ve spent so long fighting this, trying to do the right thing and it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. We both still want this badly, and we both know it’ll feel good. Maybe actually what we need it to really get it out of our systems.
“I’m sorry,” Pru says while falling away from me. “I know that I promised I wouldn’t do that, I didn’t mean to…” She looks guilty, like she hates herself, but she doesn’t have to.
“Don’t be sorry,” I pant back. “It’s fine, it isn’t bad. Honestly, we can…”
We stare at each other in disarray, neither of us knowing what it’s best for us to do next. So many things run through my mind, but I don’t know what to do with any of it. This is crazy….
The next moment I don’t know what’s happened, but I’m holding her once more and we’re kissing properly like there’s no tomorrow. There’s nothing chaste and delicate about this, my tongue has dipped between her lips and I’m controlling her mouth with mine.
All the sexual tension that’s been building between us comes to a head. Nothing that I’ve ever done before, especially not the people I’ve been with to try and recover from Pru, has ever felt like this before. She’s incredible, absolutely out of this world.
I pull back and hold onto her cheeks, staring deeply into her eyes. In that moment, I see everything that I didn’t even know that I wanted. I see it with her. It might be wrong and risky, the rest of the world might not agree with what we’re doing, but we know how great it is. We both know how we feel about one another, we both know how real and deep this is.
“Come to my bedroom,” I say desperately to her. “Come with me. I need you.”
I clutch onto her soft hand and wait for her answer. Much as I want this, I won’t take that step without her explicit permission. The ball is firmly in her court, whatever she wants I will do. That doesn’t stop me being impatient though, there’s a clawing desperation in my chest.
Chapter Twenty – Prudence
The bedroom… I might not know much about life, I might be naïve, but I know where the bedroom leads. It’ll take me to that place I’ve been fantasizing about a lot in my mind. But fantasy is very different to reality. Can I really go through with it? I want to, but can I? Should I?
“Okay.” My body screams at me to agree, I need this. I want this, I know I do. Self-doubt has no place now when this is something that I’ve been desiring forever more. “Okay, yeah, let’s…”
My whole body shudders as Logan pulls me into his bedroom. It’s a room that I saw once when I moved in but that I haven’t been in since because we’ve tried our hardest to keep our distance. I didn’t even come in here when I was in the apartment alone because I didn’t want to overstep any boundaries and get sent back to my own apartment. Logan was being good, so I wanted to as well. Although, that didn’t exactly work well, did it? Here we are, in a worse position than ever. We simply can’t keep away from one another. There’s an undeniable pull between us we can’t avoid.
I don’t get much of a chance to look around the room even though I wouldn’t mind getting to know it all a lot better, because in a heart beat Logan’s mouth is back on mine again, making me feel sexy and safe all at once. When he touched me on the shoulder it confirmed what I already knew. I like Logan touching me and I can’t stand that from anyone else. It’s because I love him, and now I’m going to get to express that love in a physical fashion. This feels right, I’m so glad that I’m here.
Nerves give way to excitement, and I roll my hips back into him once more. Fuck, this is something that I definitely want, I don’t know what was holding me back before. There isn’t anyone else in the world that I could lose my virginity to. It could only ever be him, the man who’s helped me so much, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him. I don’t want anymore, only Logan.
Logan walks me back towards the bed as we kiss until my calves hit the bed frame then he stops. I think he’s waiting for me to make the next choice, but it’s already been made. Now that we’re here, I want him to throw me back onto the sheets and I want him to send me to Heaven and back.
“Logan,” I whisper into his mouth while sliding my hands off of him. “I want this.”
My words are magic, he lifts me from my feet and flings me back onto the bed. I bounce a little which makes me giggle playfully. I feel wild and carefree, no longer am I consumed by self-doubt and anxiety. Logan has stripped that from me completely. He knows me so well, he understands me inside and out, and I love that he does. He thinks I’m important, which makes it so.
Logan looms above me for a few seconds, looking down at me with a smile, but then he climbs over me on all fours, joining me on the bed. Once his head is level with mine, he rests his forehead against mine and he stares into my eyes with such a lovely look it makes me melt all over. I take the look as love, it makes me feel like he loves me just as I do him. Maybe this is complicated, but if we’re in love with one another then we’ll find a way to make it work somehow.
This is the start of the rest of my life, I’m sure of it. Me and Logan, we will be together.
As Logan leans down to kiss me gently and softly, my heart explodes like fireworks. One of his hands moves gently up my body, caressing my side as he goes, sending sparkles and fizzles all the way to my core. I can’t help myself, I shiver lightly. All of this feels much more real than in my fantasies. Of course, it would because this is real, but it’s better too. Much more everything that I ever could have imagined. My naïve brain didn’t do Logan justice at all. This is utterly incredible.
“Oh, Logan,” I moan freely as his mouth moves off mine and to my cheeks. His lips slide over my face, my neck, down to my collar bone, which makes my hands fist into the sheets. I need something to hold me to the Earth or I might just fall apart. “Oh my God, Logan.”
I love how saying his name in the heat of passion makes me feel, it’s different, it’s new, I want to keep doing it forever more. I know that none of this is as new to him as it is me, but that doesn’t matter. I want to be with him because I love him, and I’m sure his experience will only help. If we were both as inexperienced as me then nothing would happen because we wouldn’t know where to begin. Instincts can only get a person so far. It would’ve been a mess, not romantic and sexy at all.
“Does this feel good?” Logan asks as his hand cups over my breast. I nod but it isn’t enough. I want him to pull my breast free, I want him to fiddle with my nipples, I want everything from him. “Can I take your top off?” He’s being so kind and considerate. It’s nice, but not all that I want.
I place one flat palm on his chest and I push him back so I can sit up slightly. Then I tuck my fingers under the hemline of my top before I pull it up and off. My skin shines with perspiration but Logan seems to like that. His eyes widen in shock and surprise, so I grab the strap of my bra and I unhook that too, dragging the material off of me at the speed of light. It flutters to the ground far away from me. Maybe it should feel strange to be so exposed, but it doesn’t, it feels good. Especially when he’s looking at me like I’m the most desirable woman on the whole damn planet.
“Oh wow, Pru, you look… you have no idea how you look… you’re just too much.”
I like the stammering, I love having this effect on him, it gives me more self-confidence than any stupid breathing technique ever could. I feel gorgeous, like a goddess. Like I never thought I would.
Then Logan pushes me back against the bed and his mouth wraps around my nipples. It’s a warm, wet sensation that sends me wild. I didn’t think I’d like it, but I do. It’s awesome… even more so when Logan scrapes his teeth lightly along them. It’s a shock, but a great one, it makes the pulsing in my panties even more intense, I’m out of control. This is even worse than when I touched myself.
I grab onto his head and rub my fingers into his hair. I tug lightly but he doesn’t complain. He simply slides his head further and further down my body, kissing me as he goes. His lips brush over my stomach, over my navel, all the way towards my thighs where the skin has become incredibly hypersensitive. I feel like I’m being electrocuted all over my body. Everywhere he touches, it’s worse. It’s almost overwhelming, I don’t know if it’s too much or not.
“Stop,” I plead because I need a moment to catch my breath. “Wait, just wait.”
“Are you okay?” Logan looks panicked now. “Do you want me to stop? We can just stop this…”
“No, no that isn’t it.” As my breath catches up with me the deep craving in the pit of my stomach sparks back up again. I do want this, I’m absolutely certain of it. “I just needed a minute. This is…” Should I tell him? I’m sure he already knows anyway but I feel like I need to clarify. “This is my very first time and… well, I don’t really know what I’m doing.”
I hang my head low, not sure if he’ll want me now. Maybe it’ll turn him off completely to think of me as this young, inexperienced girl who isn’t like a damn adult at all. My head spins, I feel dizzy… but then Logan’s arms wrap tighter around me and he holds me close to his chest.
“That’s why I’m here,” he whispers seductively into my ear. “To teach you.”
The idea of Logan teaching me anything sends a powerful shiver racing up and down my spine. That’s exactly what I want, I want to learn from him, to grow with him like I have been doing.
“Then teach me,” I beg desperately, getting fired up even more. “Teach me everything.”
His fingers curl around the waistline of my panties and he drags them down with his eyes fixed on me the entire time. I can tell that he’s searching me, trying to work out how I feel about all of this, but there’s also a deep, dark hooded desire there too. God that look alone is enough to send me spiraling over the edge. It makes my whole body buzz and vibrate, I need to cling to him needily.
Then, all of a sudden, I don’t even really know when it happens, his mouth is all over me. His tongue plunges in and out of me, tasting me in a very intimate way. That feels better than anything I’ve ever experienced before… or so I think until he pulls his tongue out and he flicks it over the part of me that felt amazing before. The bit of me that I now know is my clitoris. He traces patterns over it, it feels like he might be spelling out words, but I can’t work it out because I’m flying.
“Oh fuck… oh shit… Logan… this is…” There are so many things that I want to tell him but my brain is off on some other planet making it impossible for me to string together a coherent thought.
I squeeze my thighs around his head, fixing him in place while he makes me body heat up all over. There’ a pool of pleasure forming, deep in the pit of my stomach, and it could burst free at any given moment. It’s even more intense that the orgasm I gave myself, this is on another level…
Then all of a sudden, without any warning, Logan whips his head away leaving me cold and exposed, all by myself. I prop up onto my elbows, about to protest, but I stop myself when I see…
Ah, he’s getting a condom! I think with a deep thrill in my chest. This is really happening then.
He watches my reaction as he undoes his trousers and he pulls his erection free. I can’t help it, my eyes bug. I haven’t ever seen a penis before but I didn’t know it was going to be this big. I don’t even know what the hell I can do with that… or what it’ll do to me.
“Don’t worry,” Logan reassures me. “I’ll be gentle.”
He moves back to me, teasing me with his tip. My pulse rate speeds and hammers the closer he gets. I can feel him now, begging for entrance, and my God I want to give it to him. I might be nervous, but I need to experience every inch of him, I want to feel him everywhere.
“Go on,” I plead while pushing myself onto him, getting more of him into me. “Just do it. I want you now, I want to do this with you. Please let me do this with you.”
Chapter Twenty One – Logan
I can’t get her out of my head, however hard I try, and my God I’m trying. The last thing I want while I’m at work is to be thinking about Pru and that sweet little squeal that she made when I slid inside of her for the first time last night because it riles me up all over again. It makes me feel sweaty and needy, like I need to go home and do it again, which doesn’t help me disguise things at all!
I didn’t know what it was going to be like, having sex with a virgin because it’s an experience that I’ve never had before. Not even when I lost my own, it was with a college girl while I was still in high school and she certainly knew what she was doing, but with Pru it was lovely. A really nice, loving experience. I don’t think it hurt her too much, she certainly didn’t complain, and much as I kept trying to take things slowly and gently, she bucked hard against me, demanding more.
And that was just the first time. The second and third time she was like a crazed horny animal that couldn’t get enough satisfaction. I loved every damn second of it, but it only fed into my addiction more, and now my cravings for her are stronger than ever. I definitely failed in any mission I had to get her out of my system. Now I need more, more, more. I need all of her, all over me.
“Are you okay?” Hank asks me, interrupting my inappropriate trail of thoughts.
“Huh?” I give him a curious look, wondering why he wants to speak with me now. “What?”
“Well, you’re gripping onto that coffee mug really tightly and I don’t think there’s even anything in it. Am I right?” He peers into the mug, invading my personal space as he does. “Yep, empty, just as I suspected. So, is something going on, man? I know that we don’t talk much but if you need someone to shoot the shit with, or to go for a beer with, or whatever, I’m here.”
My heart stops in my chest, it’s what I was wanting not so long ago but it feels like the offer has come at completely the wrong time. This is a guy that I work with, so I can’t confide in him about all this madness with Pru, and I also don’t think I can invite him in while I’m going through it. He’ll think I’m strange and that I’m keeping things from him, which isn’t the best basis for a friendship.
Then again, I don’t want to totally blow him off either, because there’s a big chance that when all of this inevitably blows up in my face – which it will, I have no doubt about that – then friendship is going to be a big part of what I need. Hank seems like he could be an okay guy anyway, so why not start with him? He’s the only person who has expressed an interest in befriending me!
“That’s really nice, Hank, thank you.” I give him the brightest smile I can muster. “I’m okay at the moment, just tired and stressed out. But the beer sounds awesome one night.”
“I’m actually going out with some of the kitchen staff tonight, if you want to?”
In all honesty that sounds amazing. I feel like I could use a break from all this madness to have a normal night doing really normal things. Maybe with some guy time I could get my head together and decide what I want to do for sure. Me and Pru have complicated things by sleeping together, there’s no denying that, so whatever we do next will be a really delicate situation. I need to do it right, which is why this might be perfect… but I don’t want to fully commit to it, just in case.
“Yeah, maybe I will,” I say happily. “I’ll see how things go here today and let you know.”
“Oh well here’s my cell phone number, so give me a call or a text if you decide to.”
I watch as he pulls a pad of paper out from his jacket pocket and he writes his number down. I feel really glad that he’s reached out to me and he’s given me an option. Hank might not know it, but this couldn’t have come at a better time. My head hasn’t ever been this messed up before and while I can’t talk about it, it’s always nice to know that I’m not completely alone.
“You know, when I first saw you a minute ago, I assumed that it had to be women trouble.” Hank smiles innocently as his says this heavy statement to me. He clearly doesn’t know anything, he’s just trying to be kind. “But then again, isn’t it always? Women bring nothing but trouble.”
For a moment, I don’t know what to say, then I realize I can confide without actually giving myself away. I can’t get one hundred percent bullet proof advice from him, but I can offload just a little bit which is probably what I need more than anything else, just to talk. The secret is killing me.
“Yeah, well it is,” I admit. “I’m sort of… into someone that I shouldn’t be.”
“Ah, a friends’ ex?” he asks knowingly. I don’t see any reason to correct him, that’s as good an excuse as any. “We’ve all been there. It’s all well and good saying bros before hos, but what about when there’s a real sexual chemistry there? Sometimes it’s too hard to resist.”
Thank God, it isn’t just me who’s made a mistake! Other people have given in to that very carnal human need as well. “Yeah, I know what you mean. It’s a nightmare, isn’t it?”
Hank gives me a look. “Isn’t it just? But sometimes you have to work out if it’s worth it.”
With that he leaves to get back to work leaving me with his number and the option to go out tonight if I want to. I don’t know how I’ll communicate that message to Pru because she doesn’t yet have a cell phone, but I suppose that doesn’t matter. I don’t have to, it isn’t like I’m her boyfriend and I have to let her know of my whereabouts all the time, she has a key to get in and she’s been at my home for long enough to feel at home… but it would be shitty to have sex with her one day then just not come home until late the next, all drunk and stupid. We haven’t really talked about what happened at all and I don’t think it’s a good idea for our first conversation to be a fight.
Still, right now I need to get to work, so it’s something I can figure out later on…
***
But Of course I can’t, not really. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing all day long, she’s on my brain the entire time. When no one is in the room with me I’m recalling snippets of that magical, sexual night that we just shared, and when other people are in the room all I’m wondering is why I can’t let her go when I know how much it’s a risk. I want to know why I can’t just fall for someone I can have properly, someone that I can just be with without having to worry about it.
But there has to be something in this, I wouldn’t be willing to put everything on the line if there wasn’t. My feelings for her must be too damn near to the L word for me to do all of this. I haven’t ever thought of any of the people from the center in this way before, I wouldn’t, I’m not that type of person at all. I’ve always been incredibly respectful of my job… but with Pru, it’s different.
“Are you even listening to me?” Leah’s course voice grabs my attention. “Mr. Banker?”
“Sorry, Leah.” I don’t see any point in lying to her, when it’s completely obvious how distracted I am. She’s not dumb, even if she’s loud and brash at times. “I don’t feel so good today.”
“That isn’t it at all.” She folds her arms defensively across her chest. “You’ve been this way for ages now. Ever since Prudence left actually.” Hearing her mention Pru, in regards to myself as well, makes my heart stop dead in my chest. I have to really reel myself in so I don’t say something dumb and blow my cover without even trying. “I think you miss her and we’re all suffering because of it.”
My heart thunders against my rib cage, I grip tightly to the edge of my seat, I do what I can to keep my breathing at as normal a pace as I can physically manage. Leah doesn’t know, she can’t, she would be first one to blurt it out if she did. I need to act normally to avoid raising suspicion.
“Prudence Evans has been gone for a while now,” I say in a grave voice. “I’m sure that we all miss her, but that doesn’t affect me or anyone else particularly, nor will it impact our work.”
“I don’t miss her,” Leah spits out spitefully. “I thought that she was really annoying.”
I slam my notebook closed, not wanting to get into any sort of conversation about Pru right now. “Right, well I think we’re done for the day here. It’s almost time for me to go home so I will go back and make myself feel better. We will pick this up next time I’m here, okay?”
I stand up, not giving Leah a chance to react or argue with me. She does give me a bit of a curious look but she stands to leave the room as well. I have no idea how much of our time that we’ve been through but as far as I’m concerned, we’re done here. I have nothing more to say.
“Okay, well goodbye then, Mr. Banker,” Leah says quietly. “I’ll see you next week.”
Of course I feel bad as she exits the room, I’ve let her down just like I have done everyone here. This place is the reason that I’m struggling so much with what I’m doing. The center is the half of me. I want to go home to tell Pru to go back to her own home for a while so we can both have some space to think… but I don’t know how powerful that half of me is quite yet.
I need to go home, to talk to her. We need to make this decision together. I can’t do it alone.
I grab my brief case and I walk purposely towards the exit, needing to get out of here before anyone can stop me… but of course, it’s just my luck that I’m not going to be allowed my space.
“Hey, Logan!” Hank’s voice calls out to me as he spots me going. “Are you on for tonight?”
“Erm, maybe.” I yell back, not breaking my stride. “I need to pop home to sort some stuff out but I’ll give you a call if I make it out, okay? Keep an eye on your cell phone.”
“Ah, you have to sort your women trouble.” His words make me cringe, they reveal too much of me that I don’t want to be seen. “Great, well I’ll get you one in then. You’re going to need it!”
He might be right actually, I don’t know how this is going to work out so a beer with some guys might be just what I need. This might end up in a massive horrible row, not that I want that, in which case I’ll need to drown my sorrows.
“Awesome, sounds good, Hank, cheers buddy!”
Chapter Twenty Two – Prudence
This is better, I think to myself as I smile and look around the store. Logan was right, I just need to keep on pushing forwards. It was too busy for my first day and I allowed that to overwhelm me, then I let one bad day send me backwards into a very dark place, but now I have confidence. Now I feel like I can really do this. Maybe that’s because Alice and Becky have been really nice to me, or because I’ve made a couple of sales, or maybe it’s because me and Logan finally had sex.
As I sit in the staff room at the end of the day, waiting for everyone else to gather up their stuff, all the memories of us sleeping together bursts into my mind. I have a cheeky, sexy secret and I love it so much. It makes me feel like I’m much less of a boring, quiet person. Now I’m worthwhile.
“You’re doing good, girl,” Alice declares loudly while circling my waist with her arm. “This has been a much better day for you, hasn’t it? And you didn’t even need all those sales tactics.”
I grin at her, letting my happiness shine through. “No, you’re right, I didn’t. I’m much calmer now, I think the first day nerves just got the better of me, that’s all. I’m more positive now.”
Alice flips her long red hair over her shoulder as she sits next to Becky. She’s pretty, like a delicate English rose with her pale skin and the smattering of freckles across her nose, but her deep brown eyes give her a cheeky look, and those voluptuous curves of hers make her so sexy it hurts. Becky has a completely different look; dark hair, dark eyes, tattoos all over her, but she’s equally as hot. Next to them I feel plain and simple looking, but I have Logan so it doesn’t matter.
“You know what, Prudence? You should come out with us tonight for a couple of drinks after work. We’re headed to a bar just around the corner from here, it’ll be really fun.”
My heart lifts with excitement. Yes, I know that me and Logan probably need to have a conversation about what’s to come next, but this is what I want, this is all part of my new life and the experiences that I want to have. Friends, bars, drinking, dancing. Logan will understand, won’t he? He knows more than anyone how important this stuff is to me. We can have our chat any time.
“Yeah, actually that sounds great.” I glance over at the laptop in the corner of the room. “Do you think it’d be okay for me to borrow Mr. Turners computer to send an email?”
“Oh yeah, we do it all the time.” Alice waves her hand dismissively over in the direction of it. “Why do you have plans to cancel? Can’t you just send a text message?”
My cheeks flame with embarrassment. There’s no way in hell that I can confess to this girl that I can’t text because I haven’t ever had a mobile phone. I’m doing my best to keep my past with my mother, my father, and the center long behind me, I don’t want anyone to know. At least not right now, maybe I’ll tell them when I’m ready, but this isn’t the time.
“Oh, my cell is broken,” I lie with a shrug. “I’m waiting for my pay check to get a new one.”
That’s going to be one of the first things I buy actually. Now that I have a life I need a cell phone to go with it, but for now I have to be content logging on to my email on Mr. Turners laptop. I fire off a quick email to Logan, hoping that he’ll see it and that it’ll be enough, then just as an afterthought I scribble his cell phone number down on a piece of paper and I slide it into my pocket. There’s a massive chance that I won’t need it, but I’d rather have it in case.
“Okay.” I turn to Becky and Alice grinning happily. God this has to be the best forty-eight hours of my life. First things happening with Logan, then work going well, and now friends. “Let’s go.”
I walk slightly behind the girls as we leave the store because I don’t know where I’m going and because I’m also a little concerned about how embarrassing this is going to be if I end up getting booted out of the bar because of my age. I can’t exactly explain my desperation to a bartender now, can I? I’m only just eighteen years of age, and I think that I look it too, whereas I know that Becky is already twenty-one. I think Alice is about nineteen but she has a fake ID, I heard her talking about it before. Maybe I’ll just have to be the lame kid who doesn’t drink booze. I never really wanted to before because of my dad, but this is the first time it feels like I’ll actually be missing out.
As we reach the bar, Becky heads directly for the bar counter while me and Alice get a seat in the back where we can’t easily be seen by anyone. Because she’s been the kindest to me, I open up.
“I’m actually a bit afraid that I’ll get kicked out,” I tell her quietly as I take my seat. Of all the people who I think might judge me, Alice isn’t that person. “Because I’m too young.”
“Oh, don’t you worry about it.” Alice doesn’t seem concerned at all. “Becky knows the bar man in here, she’s been sleeping with him for ages. And you look all grown up in your work uniform anyway, you could easily pass for twenty-one. Stop worrying about it, just have some fun.”
I nod slowly and suck in a breath. She’s right, and anyway, this is the sort of thing that teenagers do all the time… or so it seems from the high school movies that I’ve watched. A little bit of underage drinking is just fun. And at least I have Logan’s to go back to, I won’t be alone to choke on my vomit or anything. This is a good thing, this is fun, this is where I should be.
Becky comes to join us with a massive jug of some orangey looking liquid in it and three glasses beside it. I have no idea what it is, but I’m getting excited to try it. Alice pours us all a glass then holds it out in a cheers gesture. We clink them together and drink… well, they drink. They glug the drinks back rapidly. I sip. I try to slug a decent amount of it back to keep up with the girls but I don’t quite manage it. It’s hard to drink something that’s so fruity and bitter all at once anyway.
“Don’t push yourself,” Alice giggles. “You’ll end up sick, especially if this is your first time.”
I’m dealing with a lot of first times at the moment, and the other one certainly went well so I don’t see why this won’t either. I already feel lighter, like I’m floating on air, and happier too. I want to laugh and giggle with glee, I want to hug these girls, I want to dance the night away.
“Fill it up,” I say boldly to Alice. “Let’s get this party started, shall we?”
***
I don’t know how much time has passed, but I do know that I no longer feel like myself. The alcohol has control of me now, it’s claimed my vision, my stomach, my sense of rationality, all of it. For the first time in my whole life, I feel an affinity with my father. I understand why he did this so much now. It isn’t the nicest feeling in the world, but it’s freeing. I’m no longer bogged down with anything, I can even forget about him and his death. This must be how he felt all the time, just trying to forget about losing Mom. It doesn’t excuse his behavior, but I know why he went back.
“Are you okay?” Alice chuckles as she tucks her arm under my arm pits. “You’re swaying a bit now. Do you think it might be time to leave the dance floor?”
“No, I want to keep dancing,” I slur back at her. “It’s so much fun. I really like it.”
“Oh, I know you do, sweetie, but me and Becky are leaving now and we can’t leave you here by yourself. We need to get you in a cab home. What’s your address?”
I don’t know much, but logic is screaming at me that I can’t tell Alice my address or she’ll know that me and Logan are together. Instead, for some unknown reason it seems much more logical to just call him instead. I reach into my pocket and pull out the number.
“I don’t want a cab, I want this guy to pick me up,” I tell her strongly. “Can I borrow your phone? I promise I’ll only be on it for a moment, I won’t waste your minutes or anything.”
“No, you can.” She pulls her cell phone out but doesn’t immediately hand it to me. “Maybe I should call him for you because I don’t think you’re making much sense right now. I mean, do you even know where you are? Do you even know what club this is?”
She’s right, I don’t have a bloody clue, so I hand the number over willingly. She isn’t from the center anyway so there isn’t any way that she can make that connection between us. Plus, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind anyway. Even if she knew the truth, Alice is an awesome friend who wouldn’t judge me for anything. She’s so cool and laid back, I definitely have a girl crush on her.
She grabs onto my arm and pulls me out the club, and as the cold night air hits me I realize just how drunk I really am. I’m much more wasted now, somehow the fresh air of real life has hit me and shocked me. It’s a funny feeling that makes me want to giggle like a lunatic.
“So, who is this guy anyway?” Alice asks while punching in the numbers. “What’s his name?”
“Logan,” I whisper my secret to her. “His name is Logan and I want him to be my boyfriend.”
She raises a knowing eyebrow at me, but doesn’t say anything. Instead, she calls Logan and she asks him in a very professional sober tone for him to pick me up.
“How am I so much more wasted than you?” I ask once she hangs up. “That’s not fair.”
“Because you’re younger than me, and less experienced. But more importantly who is this Logan? He sounds older than you when I spoke to him then.”
“He is,” I chuckle like it’s hilarious. “But he’s really hot and kind too. You would really like him.” All of a sudden, I’m struck by a thought of horror. “Actually no, don’t like him. You’re way more beautiful than me so he will definitely like you back. Then I’ll have to act all happy while you guys fall in love and get married, all while my heart is breaking for him.”
“Okay, you’re definitely way too drunk now,” Alice insists. “Come on, let’s go and sit on this bench and wait for the mysterious Logan to come. I can’t leave you on your own.”
“But what about Becky?” I don’t even know where she is, I can’t remember when I saw her last.
“She’s gone back with the bar man, so it’s just me and you for now. How does that sound?”
“That sounds perfect.” I sit and rest my head on her shoulder. “Thank you, Alice, you’re a legend.”
Chapter Twenty Three – Logan
I debated going out myself with Hank when I received the email from Pru about her going out with her new friends, it felt like the perfect time for me to expand my friendship horizons too, but now I’m glad that I didn’t. I guess deep down a part of me expected something like this to happen so I waited at home patiently, wanting to check that she’s going to be okay at the end of it.
It’s just lucky that Pru is out with new friends and not people from the center, that could have really complicated things. Maybe I could have found a way to explain it, but I’m glad I don’t have to. I’m sure my guilt would have shown on my face and my cover would’ve been blown. Still, I don’t have to worry about that because Pru is only hanging out with people she works with.
I slow the car down as I reach the street where Alice told me to come and pick up Pru. There are lots of people about in varying stages of being intoxicated, so it takes me a while to find her, but soon I see her slumped on her friend, clearly very wasted. This is why she shouldn’t drink, I don’t think she can hack it, she’s too young and not at all used to it. Especially not if she’s been trying to keep up with this older girl who is used to it. Hopefully this one-time experience will teach her.
I park up the car quickly and step out into the street. Surrounded by drunk people I feel a bit awkward so I stuff my hands into my pocket and I keep my eyes fixed only on the girl I want to see. I don’t care about the drunken loutish idiots anyway, and I’m sure the feeling is mutual.
“Hey,” I say uncomfortably as I finally reach the duo. “I’m Logan, is everything alright?”
“You’re Logan?” As the girl who must be Alice hears me, her eyes widen in shock. It makes me wonder what Pru told her about us, but I don’t dare ask. There could be many reasons why she’s shocked, I don’t need to read too much into it. “Okay sure, sorry Prudence is a bit drunk, she got a little bit carried away tonight, but she said that you would take care of her.”
“Yeah, no worries. My car is just over there. Do you need a ride somewhere?” I ask Alice seriously. “I don’t want to leave you all alone if there’s somewhere you need to be…”
“No, no, I live just around the corner from here, I’m fine. I just didn’t want to leave her alone.”
“No, of course not. Well thank you.” I glance down at Pru who is looking at me through very bleary looking eyes. “Pru, are you okay to walk or do I need to scoop you up and carry you?”
“I’m fine.” She pushes herself up and is immediately a bit shaky on her feet. “I’m just very tired now, that’s all. I feel like I need to sleep this off. Is that a normal sensation?”
My heart goes out to her, I feel so much sympathy for Pru. She’s about to have the worst morning of her life tomorrow. I can remember my very first hangover, it was the worst thing that I’ve ever been through in my life, and I was a little bit older than Pru. I also wasn’t anywhere near as drunk. At least I’m here to protect her, she needs me. But as I look at her, I realize that there’s a big part of me that needs her too. I can’t imagine having a life without her. She isn’t like any of the other girls that have come and gone in my life because she grounds me and she gives me a purpose. I didn’t even realize how much I was floating through life before without anything to fix me in place. She’s changed my perception on the world, and on myself. Without her I would still be nothing.
“Come on then.” I link my arm through Pru’s and I walk her towards the car. Alice comes with us at first, but it doesn’t take long for someone else to call her. “You go,” I insist with a bright and reassuring smile “I have Pru, everything is fine alright? Thank you again.”
“Are you sure?” I nod. “Okay, well take care of Pru and tell her to call me when she wakes up.”
“I will do, I’ll get her back home now and make sure that she’s okay.”
Alice touches my arm gently. “Prudence was right about you, you are really nice. She’s lucky to have you in her life. I don’t know what you are to each other, but she’s really lucky.”
As Alice goes I breathe out a sigh of relief. It’s much easier to have Pru all to myself, I know what she knows and doesn’t know, I know what I can and can’t get away with. If it wasn’t for the rest of the world, this whole thing with me and Pru would be easy and straightforward. We could just be happy, be together and not have to worry about it. It’s everyone else that’s the problem, not us.
“You came for me,” Pru slurs a little as she leans up against the car. “I should have come home tonight right after work to see you, to talk about last night, and I didn’t. I went to hang out with my friends instead, but you still came for me when I was in trouble. That’s really awesome.”
I glance around like a paranoid freak, checking that no one overheard her. Of course they didn’t, no one here cares what the hell is going on with me and Pru, no one sees it as wrong. “Of course I came for you, Pru. I don’t mind you blowing me off to hang out with the girls. I want you to do stuff like that, that’s a whole big part of life, isn’t it?” She smiles up gleefully at me. “I want you to have fun and I’ll always be here afterwards when it’s done. I’m your protector after all.”
“I might not know much about men,” she continues while grabbing onto my waist. “But I know that you’re a really good one. You’re much too good to be with someone like me. I’m just… well, I’m trash aren’t I? A nothing girl that no one cares about, from a bad family.”
Uh oh. We’ve reached the drunk stage where all the stuff we keep buried deep down comes flying out like bullets. This is the time that I need to get her the hell out of here before she crumbles. She’s got a lot to cry over, many sad things from her past that I don’t think she’s fully dealt with. Here and now isn’t the time to start that process, it’s much too public for a meltdown.
“You aren’t that at all,” I tell her firmly. “You’re a wonderful girl who deserves the world. Now get into the car and let me get you home, okay? You’re tired and you really do need some rest.”
I hold onto her as I slide the care door open and as I do she leans up against me, trusting me with every inch of her body weight. A smile plays on my lips as I see her there, looking up at me with complete love and wonder in her eyes. Even through the intoxication she is the most stunning woman that I’ve ever seen in my life. I feel a deep compulsion to lean me head down to kiss her. My heart pounds, I know that it’s wrong, but there’s such a deep need that I want to, just for a second.
I do it. As almost an instinctive reaction, I dip my head towards her and I press my lips up against hers, soaking her in, inhaling her, breathing her in as I do. The memories of last night flood my mind and make me feel wonderful. This is simply a snippet of what things could be like if things were normal with me and Pru, if we were just allowed to be together.
Eventually, I pull my head back and I smile at Pru. The rest of the world melts away into nothing and the only two people left are me and her. It’s perfect, for just a moment I can feel the warmth of the sun beating down on my shoulders, as if it’s the middle of the day rather than night time.
“Logan!” All of a sudden, a much too familiar voice bursts my bubble and shocks me to my core. “Logan, is that you? I didn’t think you were coming out tonight.”
“Hey!” Drunk Pru calls back. “That’s Hank from the center, from the kitchens.”
Fuck. My heart falls into my shoes and my stomach drops too. If he’s seeing me now then he probably saw me kissing Pru too. And I kissed her, that must was very obvious, I can’t even pass it off as her drunkenly making a move on me. Shit, shit, shit. The cover that I’ve worked so hard to build up has been blown, and now… now I’m fucked. The only hope I have in the world is to get the fuck out of here right now. I need to leave, to escape, to break free and to hope that Hank is either too drunk to remember this is the morning, or that he assumes it isn’t me.
“Get in the car,” I warn Pru in a long voice. “Get in the car now, we cannot be seen.”
I don’t know how much of that gets through, she certainly doesn’t look as worried as she should do, but she does as I command. She falls across the back seat of the car and lies there almost asleep so I leave her there. My heart races in my chest, the only thing I can think of is driving away rapidly. Hank is still yelling at me as if he’s desperate to get my attention but he’s not going to get it.
“Fucking hell,” I mutter as I slam the car into gear. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, get out of the way!”
Drunks spill out into the road but soon move when they realize that I might actually run them over if they don’t. I know I’m not thinking straight, I feel like I might be crazy, but it barely matters.
I drive much too quickly, my breaths fall out of my mouth ragged and panicked. I expect to calm down the further away I get but I don’t. If anything, I get worse. Hank knows me, he knows my car, now I can see that running away was never going to work. I should have stayed and explained myself somehow. I don’t know how I would’ve played it off, but doing nothing is worse.
What the hell am I going to do tomorrow? I think while I drag my hands through my hair. The job that I’ve worked so hard to protect is now in real danger and I have no idea what to do. I am in the wrong, there’s no denying that, there’s no escaping it. I’m going to be yelled at, screamed at, fired probably and there isn’t a damn thing that I can do about it. I don’t even know how I can defend myself, but I’ll have to try. Maybe the truth will do it, maybe the admitting that we’re really into one another will make it better. They know me, surely, they’ll know that I wouldn’t do this if it wasn’t important…
I turn to see Pru passed out on the back seat, snoring lightly and guilt crushed me painfully. She’s gotten herself dragged into this without really knowing how messy it’s going to get and now we’re about to really find out.
Chapter Twenty Four – Prudence
“Urgh, no,” I groan as I roll over in the bed. “What the hell is this? Why do I hurt all over?”
My head pounds, my stomach churns, my eyes ache as I try to prize them open to face the real world. At this moment in time, my brain is a deep black hole. I can barely remember anything properly. What happened? When did I get so ill? What have I been doing?
“Logan?” I groan while propping myself up onto my elbows. “Logan, are you here?”
I don’t get any response, there’s nothing but silence. I’m definitely in his home because I recognize it more than anywhere else in the world, but it seems that I’m here by myself. I blink a few times, glancing around the room as I do, and my eyes soon find a giant pint glass of water next to my bed. One that I definitely didn’t put there but that I need desperately. My mouth is painfully dry and my throat feels raw. Someone – well, Logan, because it can only really be him – has anticipated my needs before I even know what they are. He’s amazing, absolutely incredible. I’m so damn lucky.
I grab onto the glass and I suck the water back like there’s no tomorrow. I glug it down hard and fast, loving the ice cool sensation as it fills me up, healing me in some small way.
If this is what it feels like after drinking, then I don’t understand it at all.
As I swing my legs over the bed, small sparks of memories fill my brain. Alice, Becky, and me drinking, laughing, dancing the night away. It was fun at the time, I had a real blast, but this is clearly the punishment that I get for that. I don’t think it’s worth it after all. How the hell did my dad do this all the time? How did he cope with this crippling pain after drinking?
As I walk, a new feeling floods me, almost knocking me from my feet. I’m absolutely consumed by the need to be sick, to get all this booze out of my system, so I run to the bathroom at the speed of light and I crouch to the floor, gripping onto to toilet bowl and the burning hot vomit spills past my lips. It hurts, it aches, it wrecks my stomach, but in a way, it’s a relief too.
“Never again.” I mutter to myself with a small sharp shake of my head. “Never, ever again.”
Once I’m sure that I’m done being sick, I stumble into the kitchen where there’s a note and a whole selection of drinks. From fizzy pop to orange juice. Logan is a pretty tidy man, he normally keeps everything locked away in the cupboards, so this has to be for me.
‘To Pru,’ the note reads. ‘You must be feeling like hell today, hangovers are the most unpleasant side of drinking! Here are some drinks to get you through the morning, whatever you fancy, and make yourself something nice and heavy to eat, like toast.’ The thought of food makes me gag, but I keep on reading regardless. ‘I’m at work now because I have some stuff to sort out…’ As I read that line, I get a flicker of something in my brain, but the thread is too thin for me to grasp onto. It’s gone before I can know exactly what it is. I have a feeling that it’s something to do with the center, but that might just be my addled brain all mushing up. ‘Also, I think last night has taught us that you really need a cell phone. There’s one of my old ones for you in the box in front of you. It isn’t the latest model, but it’ll do until you can get your own. It’s better than nothing…’
I reach across to the box and I slide it open. Inside the cell phone there makes me heart skip a beat. It’s way better than anything I would have got for myself, this is the most amazing thing ever! I cannot believe how lucky I am to have him. I don’t deserve someone so amazing.
Tears ball up in the corner of my eyes, but they’re happy tears. I really feel like this is my life picking up and improving in the most incredible way. I finally have it all and I’m only eighteen years old, I only just got out of the center and already I’m doing amazingly. I can’t believe it.
‘Here is Alice’s number, or it’s the number she called me from last night anyway. You should message her and let her know that you’re okay. Luckily for you, you have the day off work today so you should veg out and sleep it off. Make yourself get better. I will see you soon, yours Logan.’
The tears fall, I’m unbelievably touched. Logan has done more for me than anyone else I’ve ever known. I understand that he has to work but I wish he was here right now with me. I wish I could hold him close and finally just tell him that I love him. I’ve kept it inside for too long. Maybe tonight I’ll finally let those words free. I’ll say to Logan I love you.
Before I can sob like a freak, I call Alice. I could just text her but there’s a deep need inside of me to call her, to hear her voice, to check that I didn’t embarrass myself last night.
“Hello?” she answers curtly. “Alice speaking, who is this?”
“It’s Prudence,” I reply raspily. “Just letting you know that I’m alive today. I don’t feel like I’m part of the living, but I’ve survived it. My God, do hangovers always feel this bad?”
“Prudence! Thank goodness. I’ve been worried about you.” She sounds genuinely happy to hear from me which manages to make me smile. “I’m just on my break at work now and I was just about to call that guy who came to pick you up to check on you. Did he take you home okay last night?”
I don’t know if I should worry about Logan when it comes to Alice. I know that we’re supposed to be keeping us a secret, but that’s only from people at the center, surely? Alice is fine.
“Yeah, I got home okay, I think I pretty much just passed out to sleep as soon as I got in. Urgh I’m so glad that I don’t have to work today. Every time I move I want to vomit again…”
“He’s nice, isn’t he?” Alice interrupts, ignoring my last remark. “Logan, I mean.”
“Yeah, he’s great. I’m lucky to know him. I don’t know how I would have got home otherwise.”
“How do you know him?” I can hear her crunching an apple while she talks. It’s distracting and hurts my head even more. I really do need to lie down! “Is he your boyfriend?”
“He’s…” Shit, how the hell do I explain this? And did I say too much last night? Maybe I told her the truth and now she wants to know if I’ll say the same in the sober light of morning. “He’s a friend… I like him, but I don’t know if he’s… you know, my boyfriend, or whatever.”
“I would warn you to be careful around him because he’s so much older than you, but I don’t think I have to. I think that you have a spell over him and he treats you amazingly.”
Alice’s lovely comments warm me up. I like the idea that I might have a hold over Logan. He certainly has one over me, so it’s much better to learn that might be a two way thing.
“Right, Mr. Turner is giving me the stink eye so I better go back to work. I’ll speak to you later on, okay? You rest up today and take care of yourself. It gets easier, trust me. Much love!”
As soon as Alice hangs up the phone I punch her number into the contacts list and stare at it. I never thought that I would be here, the girl with a cell phone and a friend’s number in it. I quickly connect the phone to the Internet and I grab Logan’s number off there too so I have two numbers on my list. I rub my thumb over the name on my screen, loving even looking at his name.
‘Hi Logan, it’s Pru,’ I type out, needing some communication with him wherever I can get it. ‘Thank you so much for all the lovely things that you’ve done for me today. I appreciate it. X’
I pause for a few moments, half expecting a reply but I don’t get one. I suppose that makes sense since he’s working. It’ll be hard for him to message me completely undetected. So instead I gather up the drinks and I head back to the only place that I want to be today, and that’s in bed. I definitely need to sleep this off. There’s no way I can feel better until I get some more rest.
I stagger over to the bed and collapse into it with my eyes closed once more. I shouldn’t be tired again, I’ve had a damn good night of sleep, but I am. Maybe it wasn’t a proper sleep, maybe I pretty much just passed out, I’m not too sure, but weariness is overcoming me again.
At least I have pleasant dreams of Logan to get me through the day. I always have them, and now I have some real life fact to base the fantasies on as well. When I first started dreaming about him, it was childish lust, an obsession, but now it’s definitely real adult love. I adore having that delicious sensation in my heart, and I cannot wait to share it with him.
***
Hours pass, I don’t know how many. Mostly I sleep, but sometimes I get up for something to eat or to have a little walk around. The time does help to heal me, but I still feel like crap for most of the day, even when I step into the shower. I do know that drinking is something that I never want to do again. It might be fun at the time, but this is not worth it. I can have a good time without it.
Eventually, I move myself over to the couch and I flick the TV on to watch some mindless movie. There’s a detective drama on, but one that doesn’t take too much imagination to work out who committed the crime, so it’s perfect for me to just lose myself in for a while.
As I half watch the show, I keep checking my cell phone, expecting some communication from either Alice or Logan, but I get nothing. The fact that Logan hasn’t even snuck off for a second to reply worries me actually, it makes me wonder what on Earth is going on with him today. In the letter that he left me he said something about needing to sort some stuff out today at work, and I can’t help wondering what. I just have this weird sensation that it’s something to do with last night and that I’m to blame. I have guilt for something that’s really nothing more than a black hole in my mind, one that I can’t recover no matter how hard I try. I’ll feel better when he’s here and I can just know that all is okay. With that safe feeling that Logan always gives me, I know I will only feel good with him here. It always does.
He’ll be here soon, I tell myself with determination. Here to make it all better. I just need to make it until he arrives, that’s all. I can do that.
I can do that…
Chapter Twenty Five – Logan
I don’t bother to wait to be called into the office, the anticipation is far too much. Whatever’s going to happen to me, I need to just know. There’s no way that I can act normally until then. I have to get it over and done with. I also want to get in there to argue my case, just in case it helps.
“Well, hello there, Mr. Banker,” my boss, Alexandra, comments coldly as she sees me. “I’m glad that you’re here. It saves me calling you in for a meeting which we need to have.” She indicates towards the chair on the other side of her desk. “Please, take a seat. We have a lot to discuss.”
Ice cold bolts of fear dart towards my stomach, freezing up my veins as they do. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so freaked out in my whole damn life, this is horrifying. My behavior, my actions, have brought me here. It’s time to face the consequence and I hate it. It scares me.
“Right, Mr. Banker, I think we both know that you have a lot of explaining to do, don’t you?”
The glare that she gives me bores right into my soul. I feel like she sees me for who I really am and she doesn’t like who I’ve become one bit. I shuffle uncomfortably on my chair, wishing I hadn’t come after all. Maybe it would have been better if I didn’t come here at all today.
“I can explain, honestly,” I insist in the strongest voice that I can manage. “Please, you have to just hear me out. I can see how this doesn’t look good, but it isn’t what you think…”
“So, you weren’t caught kissing Prudence Evans? One of the children that we had here at the center? You haven’t acted in a way that absolutely violates everything?”
Shit, fucking Hank. Why couldn’t he just talk to me about this? Probably because I ran away.
“What happened with me and Pru doesn’t violate anything, she isn’t here anymore…”
“And you think that matters?” Alexandra bangs her hands angrily against the desk. “You think it matters whether she’s here or not? She was brought here as a child, on her thirteenth birthday, after experiencing trauma at the hands of her father. You were her therapist for years… does none of this sound wrong to you? Does it seem okay that you’re kissing her days after she’s released from here?”
“Well when you say it like that, it doesn’t sound great, but nothing happened until she left…”
Alexandra sighs loudly and shakes her head. “That isn’t strictly true though, is it?”
“Nothing happened,” I insist. “Honestly, absolutely nothing happened. I wouldn’t do that…”
“When I got this troubling news, I instantly knew that I had to look much deeper into it and what I found was disturbing. Emails between the two of you, via the Internet provided here at the center.” Oh my God, I can’t believe it! I should have known this would happen. The Internet is all monitored, if not all the time it can be accessed, for the protection of the people here. “You were encouraging feelings from her the entire time. Even while she was here. Do you understand now?”
Admittedly I’m silenced by that, I don’t know what to say. She’s right, I’ve acted inappropriately the entire time. I knew that I was risking everything for Pru and I didn’t care. I guess I never thought that it would really catch up with me, but it has. All of it.
“I understand,” I reply quietly, preparing myself to reveal something that I haven’t yet full accepted myself. “I understand completely, but nothing aside from the emails happened while she was here. We were just friends, I just wanted to help her, that’s all…”
“So, you’re trying to tell me that you didn’t have any feelings at all?”
I don’t see the point in answering that, we both know the truth. “I love her,” I tell Alexandra with all the brutal honesty I can manage. “I wouldn’t have done anything if I didn’t love her. This is real, we love each other. This isn’t just something. It’s going to last. Forever.”
Alexandra looks at me and she shakes her head in dismay. “It doesn’t matter, Logan, this goes above and beyond that. You have to leave this job now. I cannot keep you here.”
“But it won’t happen again, I’m not a danger to anyone. You won’t have to worry.”
“Stop.” Alexandra holds up her hands to prevent me from speaking any more. “I can’t listen to this, Logan, I just can’t. The decision has already been made. I don’t know if there’s going to be more to this. There might even have to be legal action, if that’s what Pru wants. Don’t make this worse. Just go now in a dignified manner and make this easier on everyone.”
I give her one last lingering look before I push myself into a standing position. I suppose she’s right, this could turn into something much uglier if I let it. Much as I don’t want to I need to get out now while I still can. I need to get some space, to figure out what my next move needs to be. There has to be some way I can fight this, to make it right again. I need to get this all back somehow.
As I walk towards the exit of the building, I see Hank standing in the corner. Immediately he averts his eyes away from me. Guilt, and probably disgust too, makes it impossible for him to look at me. He could have been my friend too, he certainly wanted to be, and I fucked it up. If only I had gone out with him, then there would be a big chance that none of this would have happened.
But I suppose it would’ve come out eventually. Things like this don’t stay hidden forever. If me and Pru have to be together then it would come to this in the end. Now I just need to work out how exactly I’m going to piece all of this back together. It isn’t going to be easy, that’s for sure…
***
Hours and hours of driving haven’t helped me, not one bit. I don’t want to leave my car, not until I’ve calmed down quite a bit, but it’s getting dark now and I can’t avoid the inevitable forever. Sooner or later I’m going to have to communicate with Pru about this, and I suppose I might as well get it over and done with. Like ripping a band aid off… to reveal a large, disgusting gaping wound underneath. One that keeps spilling out blood and puss and there’s no way to stop it.
Urgh, just be a man, I warn myself as I turn the car off. Face it like I should have done before.
I walk towards my apartment slowly and purposefully, wishing idly for a natural disaster to come along to destroy the world so I don’t have to face this. But Of course nothing happens. The only world being destroyed today is my own. Figures, what else should I expect?
“Hello?” Pru calls out excitedly as soon as she hears me click the door open. “Logan, is that you? Thank goodness you’re home I’ve been looking forward to seeing you all day…”
“Pru.” I stop her because I can’t stand to hear her so positive when everything is about to come crashing down around us. “Don’t… just don’t. We need to talk about things, it’s important.”
“What’s going on?” She freezes and her expression completely changes. “Are you okay?”
“I… I lost my job,” I tell her with a shrug. “They found out about us because Hank saw us together last night, kissing, and now I’m unemployed and they might even get the cops on us…”
“What?” she exclaims while jumping up. “What the hell are you talking about? How can they fire you? And what’s this about the cops? They can’t blame us for falling in love. I mean, I love you. That isn’t a crime, is it? And nothing happened while I was at the center so why does it…”
I’m aware that she just declared her love for me for the first time but I can’t focus on that part right now. Nor can I concentrate on my own feelings. I need to be smart for the first time.
“We emailed each other, which isn’t allowed, while you were still at the center, and it is still wrong. We shouldn’t be doing this, we never should have done this. It’s always been wrong.”
I tug on the ends of my hair, wishing that I’d taken even more time before I decided to face this. I don’t even know what I’m doing here, I don’t even know what my plan is. I just know that something has to change and fast. I cannot carry on as I am, and nor can Pru.
“What… what are you saying?” she asks me worriedly. She pushes herself up off the couch and moves across the room. The nearer that she gets to me, the more I can feel my emotions stirring and churning. I become even more confused than before. “What are you trying to tell me, Logan?”
I stare intently at her, wanting her to just get it already. But she doesn’t. In her naïve desperation to make this work she just bites down on her bottom lip and she waits for me to make the choice.
“Pru, you have to go,” I gush out sadly. “I can’t have you here anymore, this isn’t right.”
“You’re breaking up with me?” She demands answers that I cannot give. “Is this it? Are you done with me? This can’t really… we can’t… we can still… this doesn’t have to break us up?”
“It does.” Tears stream down her cheeks and I can feel them spilling down mine too. “It does mean that. How the hell can we keep on doing this when the world doesn’t want us to?”
Pru reaches forward and she grabs my hand. Her skin touching mine brings out all the electricity, but I can’t keep caving to that right now. I need to behave like I should have done all along.
“It doesn’t matter what the rest of the world thinks,” she tells me sincerely. “It only matters what we think, doesn’t it? We love each other, we know that, we know what it means…”
I know that I could easily get sucked into this again if I wanted to, I could allow Pru to rail road me into doing what I want to do rather than what’s right, but there’s too much at stake now, too much to worry about. I’ve already lost my job, I don’t have a chance of getting it back with her here.
“Pru, you have settled into your new job now, I’ve helped you out as much as I can, I’ve let you stay here for as long as we agreed. It’s time for you to go home. You need to get on with your real life now and so do I. This has been a fantasy, a momentary lapse, but now it’s time to stop.”
Pru doesn’t answer me, I don’t know if she’s accepting it at all. She just looks completely bewildered by everything. I suppose that makes sense, one moment everything was great, everything was on the up, and now it’s all fallen apart.
“We knew that this day would come,” I say morosely. “We knew that this couldn’t last, didn’t we? We went into this with our eyes wide open.”
But Of course we didn’t. Neither of us were even thinking about the future, just living in the moment, enjoying how it. This is a shock to both of us, I don’t know how either of us will cope now. It’s going to be a very messy life from here on out.
Chapter Twenty Six – Prudence
This apartment doesn’t scare me anymore, it doesn’t have the same grip on my fear gland that it once did, despite the fact that it’s late at night, there are shadows dancing everywhere, and next door are yelling at one another like crazy. Over the last two and half weeks I’ve become very used to it. The noises are just noises, they aren’t coming for me or anything. I don’t like it, but I’m used to it.
No, it doesn’t scare me, but it does make me feel incredibly sad. It makes me feel lonely.
‘You coming out tonight?’ Alice texts me, just like she does most nights. She continues to reach out to me despite the fact that I hardly ever go. Maybe this should be the time where I’m out living life, recovering from my heart ache by dancing with men I haven’t met before, but I don’t want to. They love drinking and I really don’t. While I can enjoy myself without it, it always makes me feel a little bit left out. I’m on the outside, looking in, missing out just a little bit. I’m still a freak.
Alice, Becky, and the others are great, but they’re a bit too much for me. I’m too naïve for them.
‘Not tonight,’ I reply quickly. ‘Got plans with the boyfriend. Next time though!’
I never told her about things falling apart with me and Logan because I couldn’t stand to talk about it without sobbing for a while, and now I’m glad. It makes for a perfect excuse these days, the girls think I’m blowing them off for hot sex which apparently is very acceptable to do. It makes me feel better than telling them that I’m crying by myself anyway, trying to recover from a broken heart.
I wish that was the truth. I wish I could be with Logan, hugging, kissing, making love. I wish I could be in that safe place in his arms, with his warm love surrounding me, knowing that he completely belongs to me. I didn’t take that feeling for granted when I had it, but I didn’t savor it as much as I should have done because I didn’t think I’d have to let it go. I thought I would have it forever. Sometimes, I imagine that the fantasy life I share with the girls is true, and I pretend that I’m not a lonely fool who’s pushed everyone good away. It’s better than this, anyway.
Maybe I should have expected things to disintegrate in the way that they did, maybe it was wrong of me to think that we could actually be together forever, but I was… am deeply in love. I assumed that Logan was on the same page as me, but apparently, he could see the bigger picture. While I was tumbling into the abyss of emotion, he was already extracting himself, ready to move on. I don’t know how I didn’t see the signs, things felt perfect to me. Maybe him being so nice to me was all a part of his escape, and I’m so naïve that I didn’t know that unwritten code. Just further proof that I’m a child that tried too hard to step into adult shoes that I wasn’t ready for.
I step into the lukewarm shower that I have every day to wash the horror of working in this store every single day off of me. My first instincts, the ones that I had on my first day, were right. I might have gotten the hang of it now, but I hate it. I don’t like always feeling left behind with the girls, I hate Mr. Turner and his bullshit attitude that’s come to life more and more that time has passed, and I don’t like the way that the customers treat me. I’m in the wrong job, but I don’t know where else to go. I don’t know what else I could do, I feel very lost.
As the water runs over me, I let the tears run free. At least in here I can cry without feeling too messy and pathetic because no one can see me. I wish I could go back in time and do all of this again. Maybe if I hadn’t rung Logan on that first night, maybe if I kept away from him, then I could’ve done this right. He wouldn’t have lost his job because of me, I wouldn’t be in this mess, I would have simply gotten over my crush and life would be smooth. I would be okay.
“Damn it,” I mutter to myself while wiping the water from my face, pointlessly of course because the shower is still on, rushing over me. “Damn it, damn it, damn it.”
I punch the shower wall, hating everything about myself. Things should be better out here than at the center, but they aren’t. I miss everything about being there, even Leah and her big mouth. That noise was better than the yelling followed by rampant sex I’m forced to hear all the time. And now, because of what’s happened, I can’t even go back for a visit. I can’t even see them because of Logan.
Eventually, once I feel clean, I step out of the shower and I grab myself a towel. As I do every night I grab my cell phone and I stare at the screen, there’s only one message on there and it’s gone unreplied to for far too long: ‘Hi Logan, it’s Pru, Thank you so much for all the lovely things that you’ve done for me today. I appreciate it. X’ I keep wanting to send him another but I can’t see the point. Logan made it very clear that we’re done and I don’t think there’s anything I can do about that. He kicked me out, he severed all ties, and he’s given me no clue that things are about to change.
I’m on my own. No doubt about it. All by myself in this big stupid world.
Knock, knock. I glance towards the door in shock. Knock, knock.
I don’t know who that could be, no one knows where I live aside from Logan, not even Alice. There isn’t anyone this can be. It won’t be him, I’m sure of it. It can’t be.
“Hello?” I call out anxiously. No way I can answer the door without knowing exactly who’s on the other side of it. Especially not while I’m undressed. “Who’s there?”
I grab a pair of sweat pants and throw them on my body, then I scurry around for a top.
“Ma’am, it’s the police.” My heart stops absolutely dead in my chest. “We have been trying to get in touch with you for some time. Can we come in and have a chat, please?”
The police? Since I haven’t been in trouble about anything, there’s only one thing this can be about and it’s the last thing I want to deal with. I cannot believe the center pushed it this far, especially when it’s long done which I assume they must know since he must have gone back to get his job. What the hell is the point of this aside from torturing and punishing me?
“Erm, hang on a moment.” I really need to be dressed for this. “I’ll be right there.”
“Okay, Ma’am, we’ll wait for as long as it takes.”
Fuck, how the hell am I going to do this? What’s this going to be like? I scrabble around and grab things while my brain spins. Am I going to be in real trouble too? I guess I don’t really know anything. All I know is that I fell in love and that’s all that matters. But will they see it that way? I’m going to have to try. I’m going to defend my love until the bitter end no matter what it takes?
I stare at my wrists quickly, imaging handcuffs around them. My God, what if I end up in jail? What if I get locked up in an institution again? Only a much worse one than before. It doesn’t bear thinking about. I can’t stand the idea of it, it absolutely terrifies me.
I stare at the door for a moment, pausing, wondering if I’m letting in hell by opening it, but really, I know that I have to. I don’t have any choice but to face the consequences for what I’ve done. Logan has had to face it and now it’s my turn.
Do this, I warn myself desperately. Face this, do it for him.
***
I collapse into bed hours later, feeling all the emotional energy drain from my body completely. That was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to but it’s over now. I managed to prove without a doubt that nothing happened while I was at the center and that the emails were merely a young girl reaching out to a friend that she could trust. I was honest too, mostly, I don’t think I fully explained how I felt about him then, but that’s my fault not his. He doesn’t deserve to be punished.
I didn’t say much about what happened after we left the center because they didn’t ask me. That’s my business anyway, I was officially an adult by then. It was up to me what I do.
It’s not going to go any further, thankfully that was something that I had to make a decision on which means I got to end it. Logan might not ever know what I’ve done but that hardly matters. I didn’t do it for recognition, I did it because it’s the right thing to do. For both of us.
Of course there’s a part of me that wants to tell him, but that’s because I want to tell him everything I want to talk to him about all that happens in my life. But I can’t. It’s better if I try to get some sleep instead. I’m slowly recovering from my addiction to Logan, and I don’t want to go back.
With a deep sigh, I click the cell phone off so I don’t even have the small temptation any more. Maybe it’s time for me to get a new one. Logan gave me this, it’s a constant reminder of him. Plus, if I have a new number I won’t be able to wonder all the time if he’s going to message me, because it’ll be impossible for him to do so. A clean break, that’s the way it needs to be. I have to accept that it’s time to give him up forever. It isn’t going to ever be how I want it to be.
I will have tonight to mourn for one last time, but then I have to get over this. I need to make plans to actually move on. Maybe I should move house, leave the city, start afresh. Get a job I like, make friends that are closer to my age and that I have more in common with, girls I actually feel like I can be honest with, and maybe fall in love again… only this time with someone much more appropriate. Someone who can properly love me back and that the world won’t be against.
As I close my eyes, I dream about that life. I imagine myself shaking off the shackles of the mess that I’ve made here, starting again in a brighter, happier life. I picture myself leaving all of this behind and forgetting about it. I don’t want to be the girl who runs away all the time, but maybe that’s what I need to be for the time being. Just until I finally get it right.
That has to come eventually, right? There has to be a time when I get it right, when my life finally starts making sense. I can’t keep on making mistake after mistake forever. Surely?
Chapter Twenty Seven – Logan
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, I really don’t. Despite my best efforts, I haven’t managed to get my job back but I actually ended up pushing so hard that Alexandra said she was alerting the cops to what had happened. I haven’t heard anything about it since, but I keep waiting for the day when they knock down my door to lock me up, Pru must want revenge on me by now.
“You look a bit fucked up, if I’m honest,” my new best friend and fuck buddy, Cassie, or Snake Girl as I sometimes call her, says to me with a smirk. “Maybe it’s time for some water now?”
I promised myself that I would keep away from her after the first time we did stuff, but then as I’ve proven to myself I can’t resist the people that I’m definitely supposed to be avoiding.
“I don’t want water,” I growl in a sexy manner at her. “I want to go into the back with you.”
Maybe it isn’t wise to lose myself in booze and fucking when I should be spending my time hunting for a new job, but I just can’t face it. I can’t stand waiting for the question of why I left my last job. I don’t want anyone to know about that at all. I just want to forget about it, to put it in the past. Even Pru, I wish she wasn’t in my mind all the time, I wish I could forget the love I have for her, but it gets stronger every single day. Without her is worse than with her.
“You can’t come in the back with me, buddy, because the bar is full,” Cassie hisses back, seemingly getting irritated with me. The funny thing is I was scared of her becoming too attached to me, but it seems that I’ve become the crazed bunny boiler stalker who can’t let her go. It isn’t even her that I want, not really. But since I can’t have her, Cassie will do. I mean, she’s cool, she’s sexy and fun. What more could I want from a chick? Especially since she isn’t clingy. “I think it might be time for you to go, don’t you? You’ve had far too much. You better sleep it off.”
“But I don’t want to sleep it off,” I pout like a child. “This sucks. I want another one.”
Cassie slams her hands down on the bar and she stares at me. “Look, I’m not fucking around here. You’ve been in here for the last few weeks drinking until you’re stupid and making my job very difficult. I don’t want to be a dick, but you really have to go now.”
Still, I don’t leave. I remain seated as an intense sadness flurries through me. If I go I have to be in my apartment alone, thinking about what I’ve lost then I’ll end up going insane. I thought that time alone would help me to recover from my feelings for Pru, I assumed that I would figure out that it’s just a phase, but it’s gone nowhere. It’s stronger than ever.
“Dude.” Cassie clings onto my hands and she gives me an intense look. “I don’t know what is going on with you, but there’s clearly something that you need to sort out, and sitting here in the middle of this dive bar drinking your life away isn’t going to sort it. You are much too young for any of this shit, you do realize that, right? You need to solve this and move on.”
Solve this? I wonder what needs to be solved more. I seemingly can’t fix my career so what the fuck can I do? The only other thing I want is Pru but she’s out of reach. I pushed her away and I fucked things up. How can I go back to her and say ‘oh sorry, I didn’t mean it. I thought I had to sacrifice you to keep on working, but I was wrong’? She’ll hate me even more than she does already.
“I can’t fix it,” I tell Cassie sadly. “It’s too far gone, she doesn’t want to know.”
“Women trouble,” she mutters under her breath. “I should have known. Look, if this chick is worth of all this, then she’s worth fighting for as well. You might think that it’s done, but you could be wrong. You won’t know until you try, will you? Isn’t it worth having a go?”
Something about her words sets me free, she’s right about trying. I’ve been sitting here in a pool of misery, giving up. I’ve decided how Pru feels without even asking her. She probably hasn’t contacted me because I haven’t spoke to her, and I’m the one who freaked out and kicked her out. Maybe I should give her a chance to actually talk to me about how she feels. That would be the damn smart thing to do, I cannot believe that I didn’t think about it before.
“You’re right,” I gush happily at Cassie. “Oh my God, you’re right. I do need to do that.” I slap my hand down and push myself up. “Yep, I’m going to go now. I’ll… I’ll sober up on the way, it’ll be fine.” I don’t want to pause, even if it’s the smart thing to do. “Thank you, Cassie.”
As I run out of the bar, nothing has ever felt so right before. I can’t believe I haven’t done this yet, I’m such an idiot! What’s the point in sacrificing the only girl that I’ve ever loved for a job that doesn’t want me anymore? Why give up the only thing that’s ever brought me happiness? Pru is incredible, and perfect for me, and I think that I’m good for her too. In all honesty, that’s way more important than the rest of the bullshit. Maybe it took me a while to realize it, but I know now. This is what I need to do. I have to fight for the woman that I love, just like I should’ve been doing all along.
It’s a long way, but I don’t even think about it. I start running. My brain is everywhere, darting in all directions, freaking out with nerves and excitement. Possible outcomes fill my mind and I have no idea which one of them will come true. Maybe it’ll be a happy ever after, the lovely end to a wonderful romance, or maybe it won’t. Maybe she won’t want to know me, maybe she’s already found someone else, maybe she’ll slam the door in my face… but at least I’ll have closure. I won’t have to keep wondering over and over again, asking myself ‘what if?’.
It takes me a while to run out of breath, despite everything something must be keeping me going, but when I do it takes all that I have not to collapse onto the ground. The few weeks of living the unhealthy lifestyle of a drunk have finally caught up with me, and not in a good way.
I give up, and I hail a cab. I need to get there quickly, even if it isn’t in the most heroic way. So much time has been wasted already, it’d be silly to bypass even another moment.
By the time the cab driver drops me off near where Pru lives, I feel a little less chaotic. The manic side of me has died down as I’ve sobered up and now I feel a lot more rational. This is still something that I really want to do though, that hasn’t changed just because I’m calmer. Once all of this is over, whatever way it goes, I need to thank Cassie for giving me a much needed kick, up the ass. She got through my saddled brain and made me realize that I’ve been a fool.
I glance around, feeling ill as I recall just how crappy Pru’s neighborhood is. No matter what had happened, I never should’ve kicked her out and sent her back here. I should’ve found her somewhere new to live like I promised her I would. Somewhere much nicer. She’s too good to be in a hell hole like this. I feel like I’ve been gut punched as I try to accept what I’ve done, all through my own selfishness. When I got the news of my firing I only thought about how it affected me, not her.
I hope this is something that I can make right, I think to myself as I plough on, needing to see her face even more desperately now. I hope she doesn’t hate me.
As I walk through the building to Pru’s home, all the memories that we’ve shared together flicker through my mind, none of them from the center. That time was so irrelevant to us, so nothing, it’s unimportant. I recall taking her out to view apartments and to do job interviews and how happy she was, I remember coming here to pick her up when it all got too much from her, then bringing her back to mine where we shared a delicate kiss for the very first time. I think about when we first caved to temptation and slept together at last. That really did feel like it was a long time coming. Then, I think about the night that she got drunk and I kissed her, when I really did fuck up.
By the time I’m outside her door, I’ve talked myself into being a trembling mess. I could use another drink for a bit of Dutch courage, but it’s too late for that now. It’s now or never.
I raise my hand, internally preparing myself before banging on the door, a noise so loud it shoots right through my brain. I actually feel myself jump a little, which is crazy because I’m the one who made that noise. When I don’t get anything for a couple of minutes, I rise up onto my tiptoes and I press my ear against the door. I swear I can hear movement inside, which causes me to knock again.
“Who’s there?” comes the eventual, weary reply. Even hearing her voice in this state, melts me.
“It’s er, it’s Logan, actually.” A heat stains my cheeks, I actually feel embarrassed. Maybe acting on a whim wasn’t such a good idea after all. “Can we talk for a moment, please?”
“Logan?” The door swings open and all the breath is sucked from my body. Pru looks even more beautiful than I remember with her pale blonde hair that’s slightly longer now, her high cheek bones and bright eyes, her womanly curves which she now knows much better how to show off… she’s a dream, but she’s real, and once upon a time she was mine. “What the hell are you doing here?”
I glance behind her seeing a sight that stops my heart. “Why is all your stuff boxed up?”
“Oh that’s…” She waves her hand dismissively. “That’s nothing. Why are you here?”
I push past her, not waiting for permission. Everything she owns is packed away, this apartment doesn’t look lived in at all. It’s a good job I came today or I would’ve missed her! She’d be in another home completely. I can’t believe it, I feel sick to my stomach. I really have lost her.
“What’s going on, Pru?” I demand, needing my answers even if I don’t really deserve them. “Why is all your stuff packed away? Do you have a new apartment, or something?”
She folds her arms defensively across her chest. “It isn’t really your business, is it?”
“No, I know.” I shake my head gravely. “I lost the right to ask you anything when I was an asshole, but I want to apologize, I want to tell you that I’m not going to be an idiot anymore. I want to make it right.” I glance up at her, ready to spill my guts. “I want to tell you what I should’ve been brave enough to say all along, and that’s that I love you.”
There’s something very freeing about finally getting those words out, it makes me feel lighter than a balloon and full of delicious cool air… but Pru doesn’t look impressed, not at all.
“You’re too late,” she says curtly. “I’m leaving. I’m moving away from the city. Tonight.”
Chapter Twenty Eight – Prudence
This is just a test, it has to be. Another thing come along to test my resolve. Just when I thought I had everything worked out all over again, this shocker comes out of the left wing to knock me over. I’ve spent a week and a half planning this, I know for a fact that it’s what I have to do and nothing is going to stop me. Not even the love of my life declaring that he feels the same way.
“It’s too late,” I reiterate, really trying to drive the point home. “I’m about to go now.”
“You can’t go.” He shakes his head rapidly from side to side. “You can’t, it isn’t right. I know that I fucked up but you can’t just leave. I mean, where are you even going?”
I sigh loudly, knowing that this is going to be the worst bit. “I’m moving to another state, Logan. I’m going to California to start again. I can’t be in New York anymore, it isn’t the place for me. I have… too many memories here, too many things that have gone wrong.” I give him a meaningful look, hoping that he knows I include him in that list. “I need to be free. To start new.”
“But… but what about practical stuff?” I can almost see him panicking. “What about an apartment and a job? What about paying for stuff? What about… there’s just too much to do.”
I chuckle lightly, finally feeling like an adult who doesn’t need to be taken care of. “I’ve done all that, Logan. I have an apartment, I’ve paid the deposit on it. I even have a job lined up. Just a temporary thing until I work out what I really want to do… you’ve helped me well, Logan, but I know what I’m doing now.” I pull the check out of my bag that I was going to quietly and anonymously drop off on my way, but I might as well give it to him now since he’s here. “I even have the cash to pay you back. I picked up some extra shifts in a bar to save up a little so…”
“So, you really are doing it?” Logan takes the check off me and he stuffs it into his pocket. He needs the money more than me now since he’s out of work as far as I know. “You really are going?”
“I’ve had a wonderful time here in New York City, but I think I need to put my past behind me once and for all now. The center is here which will always remind me of my childhood, and well.. you know, getting my heart broken. Not that I blame you, of course. You didn’t have a choice.”
“But that’s the thing.” Logan steps closer to me and for some reason I allow him to take my hands, despite the fact that I know it’ll stir me up all over again. Mind you, this whole visit has done that all by itself. “I did have a choice and I chose wrong. I should have told the center where to go. I only didn’t because I was afraid I couldn’t do anything else with my life and I also thought the cops might come in the picture. Trust me, I got threatened with that on more than one occasion.”
“A threat that they carried out,” I tell him honestly. His eyes fill up with fear and shock, compelling me to dispel those emotions. “I got rid of them, there’s nothing to worry about, but yeah they did come. That’s something else I want to get away from. I want to be somewhere new where no one knows me so I don’t have to feel like I’m always looking over my shoulder.”
Now that he’s here, I realize that would be a better dream if I could have it with Logan. There we could just be two people who met and fell in love. I yearn for that, I would love that, much as I’m excited for the new adventure I would much rather do it with him than alone… but I can’t ask him to give up the life that he has here. His roots are dug much deeper than mine.
“I can’t lose you.” All of a sudden, Logan starts sobbing and he collapses to his knees as if in shock. “I can’t lose you, Pru, I can’t. I don’t want to do my life without you.” I remain silent because I don’t know what he expects me to say to that. “I can’t imagine going through the rest of my life without you. Pru, you are everything to me. I need you. Please…” He glances up at me, looking at me with wet, sad eyes. “Please, let me come with you. I want to start again too.”
My heart lifts and dances with excitement, but I know that I cannot agree. “No, Logan, you can’t come with me. I don’t have a life here and you do. I can’t ask you to leave that for me.”
“I don’t have anything!” he insists while flinging his arms in the air. “I have an apartment that I hate, no job, no friends, no nothing. If you go, I really won’t have anything. This won’t just be for you, it’ll be for myself too. Please, we could go and get my stuff, get into my car and drive there together. It’ll be wonderful, just me and you as it was always meant to be.”
His offer is so tempting it makes my mouth water. If I think about it, the only issue that me and Logan had was other people. If we can eliminate that then there’s no reason why we can’t make this work. I can go back to the girl who has it all, but it can be real, no longer a dream ready to be shredded apart at any given moment. He seems dead serious too, like he really does want this.
“How do I know that you’re serious?” I check. “How do I know that this isn’t just a spur of the moment thing because it isn’t for me. I’ve been working on this for ages, I know it’s what I want.”
Logan unexpectedly reaches into his pocket and he pulls out a small box as if that holds all the answers. “Pru, I brought this in secret a while ago, the moment that I knew I was falling in love with you. I might have told myself that I let go of you, but I haven’t and the proof is in the fact that I’ve been carrying this around with me ever since I first got it, I still want you to have it.”
“What is it?” I ask while leaning forward to get a better look. Nope, it just looks like a small little black box to me, nothing special. That is… until Logan opens it and I get a glimpse of the beautiful small, delicate diamond and silver ring that he has inside. “Logan, what…?”
“Prudence Evans, I’ve wanted to marry you for longer than you know. There’s something very special about you that hooks me in and keeps me there, falling deeper in love with you every single day. I haven’t built many connections in my life, and none as strong as the one that I feel with you.”
My breaths become ragged, I can hardly stand this, it’s all crazily too much. This day has been a roller coaster from start to finish, and it isn’t showing any signs of letting up just yet.
“I want to come to California with you, or wherever the hell I want to go because you are my home, and I want to spend the rest of my life making up for all the mistakes that I’ve made. I want to make you happy, to love you with everything that I’ve got, to really have a future with you. I never wanted to settle down with anyone before, but that’s just because I hadn’t met the right person. But you are that person, and I can’t see a future with anyone else.” He smiles thinly through the tears streaming down his face and I return the expression. My whole body is shaking with happiness, I don’t know what’s going on. “So, while this isn’t exactly the way that I imagined this moment happening, but it’s here now upon us. Will you make me the happiest man alive and marry me?”
“Of course I will,” I say without a moment of hesitation. This might be unexpected, but it’s what I want more than anything in the world. “Yes, yes, so many times yes.”
Logan leaps up to kiss me while sliding the ring onto my finger, and as he does I really feel like I’m his for the very first time. He’s claimed me now with this ring, which solidifies an actual, real life future for us together. All of a sudden, my life in California feels even brighter with the love of my life by my side. We can finally just be happy, which is all we’ve ever wanted.
I leap up and I wrap my legs around Logan’s waist as a powerful bolt of sexual desire hits me in the core. I’m engaged now, Logan’s fiancée and I want to have some fun with that. While I’m wrapped around him, I can feel Logan growing excited too, which only fires me up even more.
“Oh, Logan,” I moan into his mouth as I slide back down to the ground with a wicked idea playing through my mind. “I think that it’s my turn to be on my knees now.”
This isn’t something that I have any experience doing, but I’ve fantasized about it enough times – always with Logan, even when my heart was shattered – to be able to go with my instincts.
I look up at him with desire glazing over my eyes as I unbuckle his trousers and I pull them to the ground, then I pull that incredible erection of his free. I gasp, the wetness pooling in my panties as I look at him. Up this close and personal, he’s even bigger! Huge and hot as hell.
I wrap my lips around him while holding on to his base and slowly drag my head up and down. I keep looking up at him the entire time, wanting to check that I’m doing this right. What feels good to me might not to him and I want to be good for him, I want him to enjoy himself.
Logan tosses his head backwards and his thighs tremble which I assume is a good thing, and as I add my tongue into the mix, flickering it all over him, the groans and moans that fly past his lips seem to spell good news. I use my other hand to cling onto his butt so I can drive him further down my throat, really testing the boundaries of what I can do. I like this, it feels awesome.
“Stop,” Logan eventually gasps, shocking me. “Stop, that’s too good, it’s too much.”
“What do you mean?” I’m hurt, I was enjoying that new experience then.
“I need to be inside you,” Logan gushes while joining me on the floor. “I need to feel you.”
I fall onto my back feeling like I might explode while Logan tugs my panties to one side and he slides into me. He’s so desperate to connect with me that he cannot wait for even a second. It turns me on so much that I can do that to him, my walls clamp around him and claim his as mine.
I wrap my legs around his back and drive him in deeper and deeper to hit every spot inside of me, my head spinning and the heat building inside of me. As we make love for the first time in what feels like forever, I glance down at my ring as the pleasure comes for me. I’m not alone, we’re together in this, and the future that we share together is going to be utterly incredible. We’ve already been through so much to know that we can survive it all now. We really can take on the world.
“Oh fuck, Logan!” Finally, the orgasm crashes over me like a tsunami of waves that won’t stop coming. My hips buck, my body shudders and trembles, I completely fall apart in Logan’s arms but there isn’t anywhere else in the world that I would rather be than with him right now.
“Oh, Pru,” he gushes as he comes with me. “I love you, I love you so much.”
I am never going to get tired of hearing those words, as long as we both shall live.
Chapter Twenty Nine – Logan
I never ever would have thought about moving to California had it not been for Pru, but it’s the best thing that I’ve ever done in my life. I absolutely love it. The sunshine, the more laid back lifestyle, the people… it’s simply amazing. I’m like a different, much happier and less stressed version of myself here. I never thought that I could be anyone except the therapist at the children’s center in New York city who sleeps around and drinks a lot… but the person that I am today is totally different and I adore who I’ve become. Who being with Pru has made it, it simply proves what I already know, that we are more than meant to be together.
“So, do you like this store?” she asks with a grin. “Do you think it’ll work for us?”
I also didn’t ever think that I would be the sort of man to run my own business, but with Pru by my side it feels easy. She has this unique way of viewing the world and it makes her a very creative person. Since we live near the ocean side she had this idea to create a company that sells creative projects from local artists – herself included in that, she’s extremely good with crafts – and also a place where we can run charitable events. It allows me to continue on with helping people in a different way. I’m very excited about it actually, I have a whole lot of enthusiasm for it.
“I love it. It’s in a really great position and it’s got a great window space.”
“Oh I know.” She claps her hands together with glee. “I can already picture it now.”
Pru looks very different from the young lady who left the center over a year ago. Now her pale skin is tanned and freckly, her eyes seem sparkly and happier, her hips are curvier, and her light wavy hair tumbles down her back. She carries a confidence with her too which wasn’t there before, she doesn’t ever get shy around anyone. She even tells people how she feels if she doesn’t like how they’re acting which is a massive turn around for her. I couldn’t be prouder. Now that Pru has actually dealt with the after effects of her parents’ deaths – in particular her fathers’ – she’s doing much better. I’m so glad that I’ve been through this journey with her.
“So, what are your plans for tonight?” I ask Pru, hoping that I sound innocent enough. “Are you headed out with Rosie and the girls or are you planning a quiet one in?”
The group of friends that Pru has now are incredible. I can tell that she doesn’t feel out of her depth with them the way that she did with the girls in New York. I know that she still keeps in touch with Alice now and again, but these ones are much more suitable for her. All supportive and kind, generous and sweet, always with her best interests at heart. And their social lives don’t revolve around drinking, which is always a positive. Pru needs that, it’s much better for her.
“No, I haven’t made any plans. Why has Freddie been on at you to go out?”
That’s one of the more significant changes, I think. I actually have a big group of friends of my own. I haven’t been the same closed off guy I once was and it’s paid off massively. I finally have people that I can confide in about anything, and I have to say it feels incredible.
“No, no, I just thought that maybe you and I could have a date night. A dinner, or something.”
I wrap my arm around her shoulder and pull Pru in for a kiss. I’m hoping that I can distract her from my real purpose by showering her in romance. This is something that I’ve managed to keep a secret for months, I don’t want to blow it now. If I can pull this off it’ll be best shock ever.
“Oh, that sounds nice. It’s been forever since we’ve had just a me and you night, hasn’t it? We’ve both simply been so busy… but good busy, right? Sorting out the business and things.”
“Yeah and doing the house renovations. That’s been pretty cool as well.”
Now that we’re more settled, we have a home of our own. A lovely little beach side cottage that’s near enough to civilization that we aren’t ostracized, but that also gives us the privacy that we sometimes need. I love it, which is why I’ve put so much effort in to rebuilding the kitchen.
“I might get changed,” Pru says while glancing down. She has a bright pink bikini top on under a sheer tee shirt, and some board shorts. Maybe it isn’t everyone’s idea of a fancy but she looks so much like herself that I can’t resist her. “What do you think? Should I wear a dress?”
“No.” I bring my lips back down to hers again gently. “Don’t. Stay just as you are.”
“But where are we going? What if I need to look fancy?” She giggles adorably. “They might not want me to show up in a posh place like this. Where are we going?”
I lace my fingers through hers and start walking. She comes with me easily, not putting up even an ounce of fuss. “You just let me worry about where we’re going, okay?”
“Fine, fine, whatever. But on your head be it if it isn’t acceptable.”
I don’t reply, I simply smile to myself. The fact that I’ve been sorting this out for so long and now it’s actually happening is really exciting. It hasn’t been easy to get to this point, which is why it’s good that we both have so many friends that could help me get it done. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without them, they’ve saved my ass on more than one occasion. And now they should all be there, waiting expectantly for us to arrive. Hopefully. Fingers crossed this hasn’t gone wrong.
“Where are we going?” Pru asks me, sounding a bit more concerned now. “I don’t remember there being anywhere to eat around here. Are you sure we’re headed in the right direction…” Pru’s words fall apart as we finally get to the church which has been covered in purple flowers. She’s only ever mentioned it to me once, but I recall her saying to me that they were her favorite. It took a while to gather enough flowers to make it work, but it looks great now. “What is this?”
As Pru turns to look at me with a demanding expression on her face, I stifle a laugh. I’m getting used to that look now, especially when her hands go onto her hips which means I’m in real trouble… and there they go. Her eyebrows furrow, her eyes narrow, she purses out her lips.
“Do you remember how roughly a year ago I asked you in a very unromantic way to marry me?” I still cringe at the memory of how I just blurted it out. It’s so embarrassing. “Well, because that was such a failure, I wanted to do something to make it up to you. So, I’ve organized our wedding for us.”
“The whole thing?” She claps her hands to her mouth in shock. “Are you serious? That’s just… that’s too much, I don’t know what to say. It’s the sweetest thing ever.”
“You don’t mind?” I need to ask just in case. “You aren’t mad that you can’t do it.”
“Not at all. You know me, I’m not one for all the fussy details. I love that you did this.”
I drop down to one knee, determined to do it a little better this time. “Pru, I love you, more than anything in the world. Will you do me the honor of marrying me today in front of all the important people in our lives? Will you make me the happiest man alive and be my wife?”
“No.” She shakes her head with a very serious expression on her face, but then just as I think I might vomit she breaks out into a smile. “I’m just kidding, of course I will. You know that it’s all I’ve ever wanted in my life. To be your wife.” She pulls me up into a standing position. “Come on, let’s do this. I’m excited to see what it’s like inside since you’ve done such a good job out here.”
As she drags me along I can’t help bursting into laughter. “You know, it isn’t really traditional for the wife to drag the husband down the aisle. I’m supposed to already be there, waiting for you.”
She spins around and rises up onto her tiptoes to kiss me. “Nothing about me and you have been traditional, so why should this be? We might as well do this as unconventionally as we can.”
Once she pushes open the doors, all of our friends burst into cheers. They’ve probably been waiting here for ages for us to arrive, most of them got here early to make sure they didn’t miss out on the surprise part, but they are still really happy for us. Despite the fact that we came here to start again and to keep our identities hidden, a lot of them know how we met now, and they’ve been endlessly supportive. They don’t have a history of judgment to go with it, they just see how happy me and Pru make one another, how we improve each other and life our spirits. They appreciate that and love us for it. Enough to be here for the majority of the day.
“Oh, my goodness,” Pru gasps as her eyes well up with happy tears. “I can’t believe this. It’s too much. Everyone is here… oh my God, even Alice and Becky! You got them here too!”
“I asked them and they really wanted to come,” I reply smilingly. “It didn’t seem right not to.”
Before the ceremony can even begin there is a lot of hugging and squealing which I planned for. I knew that this was going to turn into a bit of a reunion because of all the wonderful people that have joined us as we finally make this official, which is why I asked one of my friends, Toby, to officiate. He stands at the front, grinning down as everything descends into chaos.
“Shall we do this?” I finally ask Pru when it feels like we’ve been forever. I really am keen to get on with getting married, I can’t wait to be a husband. “I think Toby is keen to begin.”
She nods enthusiastically so I take her hands and guide her up to the end of the aisle. Then we turn to face one another with nothing but love in our eyes as we wait for Toby to begin.
“Friends and Family of Prudence Evans and Logan Banker,” he begins in the most formal voice I’ve ever heard him do. Clearly, he’s been practicing! “Welcome and thank you for being here on this important day. We are gathered together to celebrate the very special love between these two, by joining them in marriage. It feels like it’s been a long time coming with them, so this is pretty awesome, am I right?” A smattering of chatter breaks out in the crowd, but Toby quickly shuts them down. “Now, in a very unconventional way, the bride didn’t know this wedding was happening today, but I believe the groom has written his own vows?” I nod, confirming this. “Good, so let’s all sit back and listen to him being soppy… don’t worry, we can mock him later on.”
Everyone laughs aside from me because I’m trying to prepare myself. I’m not good with speeches, whether they are off the cuff or planned, and this is one I really need to get right…
Chapter Thirty – Prudence
Who the hell books a surprise wedding? I can’t help but think as I wait for Logan to speak. Who does things like that? This is why I’m in love with Logan, he’s different, special, just what I need. And the fact that he’s gone to all this effort to make me have the perfect day is the sweetest. He even got Alice and Becky here all the way from New York. Even though we left that life behind, it’s nice to have a little piece of it here on the most special day of my life.
“Prudence Evans, you are wonderful. Honestly, I cannot express to you how special you are. I knew it, even when we first met, but of course back then there was no way of telling how important you were going to become to me. I didn’t know that you would end up changing my life.”
I choke back a sob finding it absolutely impossible not to get emotional. I’m happy, this is the happiest day of my life, but as soon as I realized it was happening I told myself not to cry. It seems that’s going to be one promise that I don’t stand a chance of keeping! Already my cheeks are wet.
I cannot believe that I’m getting married in a bikini and board shorts. In a way, it’s weird because I know that I should be in some fancy white gown, but in another way this is me now. This is who I am all the time so why not get married looking exactly like I am? Logan is casual too, in his tee shirt and shorts, and so are all the guests so I certainly don’t stand out or anything for looking sloppy. We just look cool. This is just how it was meant to be. I mean, there are parts of it that I would change, but not the things that Logan has done, only the things that are out of both of our control.
I would have my beautiful, caring mother here and the version of my father before she passed away. It would have been awesome for that man to walk me down the aisle, but still, we’re surrounded by some kick ass friends and family. I cannot ask for more than that.
“I didn’t know that it was possible to love anyone like I do you,” he continues with a smile. “But I do. I would do anything for you, I hope you know that by now, and I vow to continue doing whatever I can for you for the rest of our lives. I will love you as you deserve to be loved, I will respect you, and make you happy, just as you do me.”
I can hear sniffles of tears all around us, which makes me clutch onto my stomach. The emotion is getting the better of me, turning me into mush. If I don’t speak out now then I’ll always regret it, even if I don’t have a damn clue what I’m going to say. Everyone understands, they know this was a shock to me so I highly doubt I’ll be judged for saying something lame.
“I might not have written my own vows,” I pipe up, surprising Logan. “But that’s fair since I didn’t know we would be doing this today, I think everyone understands that.” I hear excited murmurs from the crowd, but I keep my eyes only fixed on Logan. “So, I’m just going to speak from the heart.” I sigh deeply, preparing myself before I begin. “Logan, I might have changed your life, but you did mine as well in the best way possible. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for you, and that’s something that we both know is true.” He can’t even deny it, because he’s seen the transformation. “You have made me the best version of myself that I can be, and I love you for that.”
He gets a bit keen and leans down to kiss me, way before Toby announces that he can… but that isn’t why I take a step back. I haven’t finished yet, there’s still something that I need to say.
“Actually, Logan.” I press my hand on his chest as I speak. “You aren’t the only one who has been keeping secrets.” As expected, he gives me a very confused look. “I didn’t mean to keep this from you I just haven’t found the right time to say it to you.” I give him a one shouldered shrug. “I suppose at our surprise wedding is as good a time as any.”
I grab onto Logan’s hand and press it to my belly. Admittedly there isn’t a bump yet but I’m sure that will come. I found out for certain this morning that I am actually pregnant after having a few weeks of feeling nauseated and just a bit different. I was going to tell him over dinner, but obviously now I don’t have to. Actually, this might be better. It wasn’t exactly something we were planning but I know for sure that he’ll be pleased. He’s keen to start a family.
Gasps burst out in the crowd, but somehow Logan doesn’t look like he quite gets it yet. I burst into giggles and shake my head, disbelieving that I’m actually going to have to tell him outright instead of waiting for him to guess. I suppose hints haven’t ever been his strong suit.
“Logan. I’m having your baby. You are going to be a father. We’re going to be parents.”
“Are you serious?” Now it’s his turn to look like the rug has been pulled out from underneath us. Every day with Logan feels like the best roller coaster ever, but there are some days that are more dramatic than others. This is definitely one of those. “You are… we are… there is…”
“Yep, I took three tests. We’re definitely one hundred percent going to have a baby.”
Maybe it isn’t the best timing since we’re in the process of starting our own business, but I think if there’s one thing that me and Logan have proven it’s that timing doesn’t really matter when you’re in love. We didn’t exactly meet at a great time, we didn’t get together at the right time, we probably even moved at the wrong time, but we’ve made it work. It’s me and him against the world and it’s worked out just perfectly. Of course there have been bumps, but what story runs smoothly?
The only thing that has come at the right time is this wedding… at least now our baby will be born into wedlock. Maybe people will think that’s why we got married, but not the important people. I’ve learned not to care about the opinions of others anyway, I’m living for me not them.
“Oh, my God. Me, you, and our little boy or girl.” Logan rubs my belly and rests his forehead against mine. “How did I end up so damn lucky? I don’t get it sometimes!”
He dips his head to mine and he kisses me with utter love and passion making my chest heat up and my heart swell with joy. I still get butterflies in my belly every time we kiss, I’m still just as attracted to and in love with him as I have been from the start of this. I don’t see any of that ever going anywhere. This love is so strong, and it’ll always be that way.
“Er, I guess you can kiss the bride!” Toby calls out. “Then let’s sod this and start partying, we have a lot to celebrate here today. A wedding and a baby. Who would have thought it?”
Everyone here might think they have a lot to celebrate, but it isn’t as much as me. I defied all the odds and ended up smack bang in the middle of a happy ever after. There was a time when I had nothing, no hope for a future, and now I have it all. The career, the man, the baby on the way, the friends to share in my joy. Logan hasn’t just given me him, he’s given me my world and for that I will always be so achingly happy that I could laugh and cry all at once. I am proof that anyone can find love and be happy, even if it comes from the strangest of places.
“I love you,” Logan whispers in among the noise, only for me to hear. “So damn much.”
“I love you too,” I cling to him as I reply. “You make me the happiest woman alive, and now we have someone else to share that love with. A baby who’s going to have a proper life.”
“A baby surrounded by love.”