Fake It: A Fake Marriage Baby Romance by Mia Ford (30)

Don’t think of her beauty, I warn myself as my lips part to speak. Just see her as a friend.

“Ooh look, you’re growing a bit of a belly now,” I comment in the most teasing tone I can muster up, as I see a slight roundness forming underneath Louise’s scrubs. That’s a safe area to talk about now… I think. She’s certainly more comfortable with it at any rate so I don’t mind talking about her unborn baby who’s growing inside there every day. “It must be feeling a little more real now.”

“You can see it, right?” Louise touches her stomach as panic rolls off her tongue.

Oops, maybe I’ve worried her! I didn’t mean to do that. I just wanted to start an ordinary conversation.

“But I haven’t told anyone yet. Do you think people will be able to tell that I’m pregnant? I haven’t even told human resources because I don’t know how much time off I’m going to need from work after the birth.”

I do, but I don’t tell her that much. I’ve been with her, pouring all over the adoption brochures and information, but she does it with half a heart. I can see the natural maternal instinct flying out of her. She’s in love with her baby already, and she’ll be an amazing mom to this child. I can see that she isn’t going to follow in her mother’s footsteps with the whole motherhood thing and I’m pretty sure that once she’s accepted this herself she’ll finally embrace the possibility of having a baby. She’s made for it, I can tell. I can picture her clutching onto her baby, and it’s a lovely image. One that maybe I like far too much. Maybe I wish I could be a part of that picture too, weirdly…

I’m sure the desire to be a career woman won’t vanish for her either, and I also feel very certain that the very ambitious Louise will find a way to make it happen, even when others couldn’t. I don’t know how she’ll do it, but I’ve never needed to juggle my life in such way. I have faith in Louise.

“No, I can only tell because I know,” I reassure her with a happy smile on my face. Even though she is pregnant but she’s utterly gorgeous. I’m sure everyone will be more focused on her stunning face than anything else. I know I would be. “I don’t think you have anything to worry about.”

“It’s just good that I haven’t had too much morning sickness.” She sighs as she moves across the room with ease, showing that she’s totally comfortable here, finally. “It’s mostly just nausea. Isn’t that supposed to pass soon? In the second trimester, or something?”

“I’m not a midwife, so I’m no expert, but I’m sure every pregnancy is different. I’m pretty sure everyone has sickness at different times. Some not at all. Some women feel awesome all the way.”

“Urgh, I already hate those women.” Louise rolls their eyes. “How is it fair that they feel fine?”

As Louise takes her chair and she reads through her notes without another word of complaint, I feel a strong sense of admiration. This girl has got a lot of inner strength, she’s impressively a bad ass. She doesn’t even need to find out the one night stand asshole and that person really doesn’t deserve to be in her or her baby’s life. She’s much better off without him and I can tell that without even knowing him at all. Although if I did meet him, I’d definitely still punch him in the face… hard. I hate that guy. I hate him more because the more I think about him the more he reminds me of myself.

Knock, knock. Knock, knock.

“Come in!” I call out, knowing that it’s going to be Julia. It’s too early for any patients, and those two spend a lot of time in the office now, gossiping and catching up in a very private space. Julia’s the only other person in the office who knows about the baby, and that’s because she’s Louise’s best friend. She doesn’t know about what happened between me and her as far as I can tell, but since no one has spoken about it since, that makes a lot of sense. “Oh hi, Julia. How are you?”

“I’m fine thank you, Oliver. I brought you both coffees.”

It’s a weird little club that we’ve somehow developed out of nowhere, three friends who shouldn’t really be. Or maybe I’m the only one who shouldn’t be here since I’m much older and more senior than both the girls. They’d probably be friends anyway. Julia probably has about five years on Louise, but that still makes her much younger than I am. I forget that though, while I’m with them. They never act like I don’t belong with them, which is awesome. I like being in their friendship group.

“Oliver said I had a belly.” Louise is still panicked about that, maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. She grabs onto her friend’s arm and looks at her with sheer distress in her eyes. “Do I? Look, Julia, do you think it’s obvious now? Can people tell?” She pulls up her top to show Julia a sweet darling little stomach. “Tell me the truth, I need to be prepared for it…”

“Do you not trust me?” I tease playfully. “I told you I can only see it because I know…”

But my words fall on deaf ears, the girls remain locked in their own little chat for a moment.

“Girl, you can’t tell, but you will be able to soon. Baby bumps don’t just hang around until you’re ready to communicate with everyone, and to be honest from what I’ve seen in previous jobs it’s better to just get the information out there as soon as possible because then you can control it. If you don’t, people will gossip and I’m sure what they’ll say is much worse than the truth.”

“What, that I had a one night stand and I didn’t use protection because I’m an idiot?” Louise replies scathingly as she yanks down her top angrily, covering herself up once more. “Yep, I’m super keen to control that flow of information! It’ll be so much better coming from me.”

“Well you don’t have to tell them that,” Julia giggles and shakes her head. “Just say it’s some guy you’re seeing, you don’t have to be totally honest with those people out there, just give them a little bit to go on. If you don’t, people will assume that it’s you and Oliver who are having a baby.”

Her words freeze my blood and make me panic, maybe a little too much. I’ve already considered this, I know how rapidly rumors spread, but to hear Julia say it in such a cold and calculated way scares the living hell out of me. It makes it that much more plausible and I already feel like there’s no way in hell that I’ll be able to handle it.

“What? Why would people think that?” I demand idiotically.

“Oh come on.” She rolls her eyes dramatically at me. “You think people aren’t already talking about the two of you? You stink of chemistry. Obviously, I know that nothing is going on…” She pauses to flick her eyes between us as if she’s waiting for an admission of guilt that she doesn’t get. Because it’s the truth, there isn’t anything to report at all. “But other people don’t know that. Trust me, Louise, you need to speak to people before this becomes a thing. I’ll even come to HR with you later, that way you can sort your maternity out anyway. You don’t want to leave that too late.”

Louise gives me a desperate look but I simply nod back. If people really think that we’re fooling around then I could actually lose my job. I only just about managed to get away with it the last time when I got involved with a colleague and that’s only because I used so much of my convincing charm. I don’t think I’ll be able to do that again. I won’t get lucky for a second time. This is why fooling around with patients is so much easier, no one ever seems to find out about that for some reason.

“Go and do it now if you want,” I reply rashly while my head spins uncontrollably. “The sooner you clear it up and make people know that we aren’t involved, the better. For both of us.”

Louise looks sad as Julia takes her out the room, but I don’t have time to feel bad about that right now. I have some damage control to take care of. Maybe I need to make out that I’m dating someone too, just to attack the rumor from both sides. Me and Louise wouldn’t be hooking up if we both had our dating partners. I don’t think anyone could argue with that…

***

By the time the girls come back from their appointment from HR, I’m a little calmer, but the idea of acting like I have a girlfriend is a good idea. I’ve asked Rita to come and meet me from her work so I can be seen with her. It took a little persuading since we’ve only ever been a sex thing, but I’m sure it’ll be alright. Maybe it’ll complicate things and force me to move out of my apartment block, but to be honest that’s been a long time coming anyway. I could do with a new home, I’m not worried.

“Well that was awesome,” Louise tells me with a pale face as she slumps into her chair. “That went really well. I’m glad I dove into that bear pit this early in the morning!”

“Why, what happened?” I glance up at Julia who gives me an apologetic look as she has to leave the room to get back to work.

Then I turn my attention back to Louise. “How bad was it?”

“Urgh, it was awful. They wanted to know everything. They asked me all sorts of questions that I didn’t know how to answer and got really pissed at me when I didn’t know how to answer them right away. I’ve got to go back for a load more meetings when I get the chance, so that’s great.”

I rub Louise’s shoulder gently, trying my best to reassure her. I wish there was anything I could do to make her feel better, but I don’t know what. Now that things have got a little weird and I’m worried that others will assume that we’re hooking up, I’m going to have to distance myself even more. This isn’t going to be fun at all, I honestly don’t know how I’ll do it.

“Anyway.” She brushes a tear away and steadies herself once more. It’s impressive how quickly she recovers from heart ache. I can tell this is something that she’s spent her whole life doing. “It’s time to get to work so I’ve got to put all this stuff out of my mind. I’ll work out how I’m going to answer all those questions later on.”

“Right, well you can take the lead again today where appropriate. I know that helps and…” I take in a deep sigh. “Well, like I said before. Anything I can do to help.”

Chapter Sixteen – Louise

“Who the hell is that?” Julia gushes to me while clutching onto my arm hard, stopping me from leaving the doctor’s office. “What the fuck is going on here? I don’t understand it.”

“”Huh?” I follow her eye line, not really paying much attention to her words as I drag my eyes of the screen of my cell phone. “What are you talking about, Julia? This better be good, I… oh my God.” A thick ball of painful emotion lodges itself in my throat as I see the horrifying, shocking sight that lays before me. “Who is that?” I repeat what Julia just said. “What the fuck is going on?”

She drags me back into the office while I try and catch my breath for a moment. That was definitely Oliver, and he had his arms around another woman outside his work place, publically as if he wants everyone to see. As if he doesn’t care about how this makes me feel at all. I clutch onto my chest and bend forwards, feeling like I really might vomit at this moment. I’m sicker than ever.

“What was that?” Julia shakes her head as if she’s trying to figure something out. “I thought… well, I thought that there was something happening between the two of you. I know that you’ve always denied that there’s anything, but it’s so damn obvious it hurts. At least… I thought it was.”

“No,” I rasp quietly. “No, there isn’t anything between me and Oliver. There never has been.”

Julia moves towards the window and she peers through it, screwing up her nose as she does. I want to keep away because I know the image will hurt me, but I’m dragged in by the magnetic force between me and Oliver, and I watch him and the mystery woman have a very familiar moment. They know one another well, they’ve definitely been intimate with one another, which really stings. Actually, it hurts so badly I can barely breathe. I’m not sure if this is the woman I saw him with in his office that time, she certainly looks very similar. If so that means they might have been together the entire time. That means what happened between me and him was cheating, which makes me feel guilty even more. It was already a really gray area and now it’s just a total and utter mess.

Oliver opens the door and he indicates for this woman to step inside. She’s about to sit in the seat where I was sitting not that long ago… only she belongs there and I really didn’t. As she’s about to take her seat, she leans up on her tiptoes and kisses him without any restrictions. I hate it, it makes me cringe violently inside, my fists ball up by my side as rage and terror bursts through me.

I thought there was something between me and Oliver too, I assumed that while we couldn’t act upon it, it was there sizzling between us. That was a fear which certainly got proven during my examination when we hooked up… but now I can see that was just another meaningless thing. It meant nothing to him, and I really need to stop thinking about it. I need to forget it ever happened. I thought that Oliver didn’t mention it because I made it obvious I was uncomfortable with it, but now I think that maybe he didn’t want to talk about it because he’s a cheating scum bag.

My judgement of people is clearly bullshit. How the hell am I so bad at knowing what people are like? I got so sucked in by Adam, it took him a few seconds to fool me, and then Oliver. I’ve been so happy getting to know him, I genuinely thought that he was awesome. I knew that my crush on him could never become anything, because of the age difference, because of the fact that we work together, and especially because I’m pregnant. Of course, we could never become a thing.

But still, this is the worst. This is utterly killer. As the car pulls away I feel my soul vanish.

“Are you okay, Louise?” Julia asks me in a very concerned tone of voice. She looks at me with knotted eye brows and a screwed up nose. “You don’t look so good. Is this… does this really hurt?”

“I’m just realizing that Oliver is horrible,” I reply a little breathlessly, my emotions churning as I speak. “I thought he was a nice guy, I’ve been really open and honest with him, I’ve let him in at this really difficult time, and now… well now I’m seeing that he’s just another asshole.”

“Okay.” Julia grabs onto my arm and she pulls me down into the seat beside her. “What’s going on here? Has he been leading you on? Because you both keep telling me that nothing is going on between you even though it’s obvious that there are feelings there. Will you just be honest with me? I’m your friend, I just want you to let me help you. I really am trying.”

I nod while breathing slowly, knowing that she actually is doing her best to be my friend.

“I know, you are and I haven’t been honest with you.” A tear balls up in the corner of my eye but I don’t let it fall. I refuse to cry anymore, I’ve been like a damn facet recently. “I do like Oliver, I’ve liked him ever since I first laid eyes on him.” Urgh, I hate myself but I do need to speak the truth here, finally. Even if it hurts and it makes me look like an idiot, I need to just be honest. “Of course, I wasn’t ever going to do anything about it because I’m working with him, but it was there. I think that might be why I hooked up with Adam. I wanted to forget for just a moment.”

Julia makes an apologetic noise. “Yep, we’ve all been there. It never ends up well.”

“Yeah, so that happened and then while Oliver was examining me… things happened between us.” I bite down on my bottom lip, knowing how unprofessional this sounds. “We fooled around a bit. I thought… well, I thought that he liked me and that it was the news that followed which tore us apart. I assumed he didn’t pursue it because I’m pregnant. Now I know it’s because he has a girlfriend.”

My head falls into my hands and I sigh with devastation. I feel like a real idiot. Even more so. I feel like ever since I’ve started this job and I’ve met Oliver I’ve changed. I’m not myself, I’m acting like someone who isn’t me at all. I’m not the girl who does any of this. What must Julia think of me?

“Louise, I have to ask you something.” Julia grabs my head and pulls it up to make me look at her. “Do you think that maybe you might be in love with Oliver? It’s starting to sound like you do.”

Love? No, that can’t be it. I shake my head rapidly, needing to kibosh that idea. “No, I definitely don’t love Oliver, this isn’t that at all. I know I’ve had a crush on him but this isn’t about that. I thought he was a nice person but he isn’t. He hasn’t acted like my friend at all. I’m just shocked, that’s all.”

Julia sighs and she wraps her arms around me. “Okay, if you say so. I’m going to believe your words, but just know that if you do realize that you’re in love with him I’m always here for you.”

I don’t like the way her words make me feel, mostly because she’s being accurate with her assumption. I do think that somewhere along the way my feelings transferred from just a simple crush to something dangerously close to love. I just didn’t realize that I was in it alone. I thought we were sharing meaningful looks, I assumed that our sweet friendship was special to both of us. The main reason that I’ve been able to do this so far is because he’s been so supportive of me. He told me that he would be there for me no matter what, but he isn’t going to be. He’s already gone.

I really am going to do this alone. Shit, that’s utterly terrifying. I’ll be all by myself, forever.

“Come on, Lou, let’s get the fuck out of here.” Julia stands and she holds out her hand to me. “Being at work isn’t helpful. Let’s get you home where we can talk about this more.”

Nope, I can’t hack it, even the thought of talking is sickening. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” I tell her seriously. “I just want to watch crap TV and eat all the food in my apartment. I don’t want to feel like hell over Oliver anymore. Or anyone for that matter.”

“Whatever you want.” Julia’s tone is soft and sweet. “Let’s just get you out of here.”

***

Sleeping isn’t working. Ever since I found out that I was pregnant I’ve been exhausted. Sleeping hasn’t been an issue for me at all, but tonight I just can’t do it. Every time I close my eyes I’m filled with a horrifying vision of Oliver and his glamorous girlfriend. To be perfectly honest I can’t really remember what she looks like so my brain is concocting up images that are too much to bear.

I turn onto my front, groaning loudly as a hot pain radiates through my chest. This is agony, it’s horrible, he should have told me. Maybe he didn’t say anything because he assumed that I knew, but I really wish that he had. I wish he hadn’t brought me into his cheating, I wish he wasn’t so nice to me, I wish he didn’t make me feel like he cares when he doesn’t. I wish so many different things… I wish we could just damn well be together, that’s what I really wish. I want to have met Oliver in different circumstances where I could be the one kissing him freely. If we didn’t work together then none of this would have happened. I wouldn’t be pregnant with the vanishing man who still no one can find, not that I’ve tried very hard, I wouldn’t be killing myself over him, maybe I’d actually be happy. Or maybe I wouldn’t have noticed him at all, and I could be blissfully living as I was before. I could still be focused on my studies, not caring about any of this real life stuff.

Damn it, maybe I do love him, maybe Julia is right.

But no, it isn’t me with Oliver, it’s someone else. Someone more beautiful, more age appropriate, more sophisticated… someone the opposite to me. Someone who deserves him more than I do. I can never be his now, not when my life is such a mess. It’s never going to happen. I’ve always known that, but now I really know that. It hits me hard in the face and also in the gut.

I bolt upright in my bed and give up on trying to sleep because it simply isn’t working. Instead I heave myself out so I can slump back on the couch and flick the TV back on. Julia only just left, I’ve only just forced myself off that couch but it’s pointless being anywhere else. At least when I’m watching shitty shows I can barely think of Oliver and his beautiful girlfriend. I don’t remember the moment of them kissing, and hugging, and getting into the car together, probably to go to the same bar that he took me. Maybe that’s what Oliver likes, maybe he enjoys taboo relationships and he gets off on taking his affairs to the same place as his girlfriend. Maybe that’s just what he does…

I suppose there’s only one good thing that can come with this, if Oliver is being more open and honest about his girlfriend then people won’t be gossiping about us. They won’t be so inclined to think that my baby is his when the news gets out. Every cloud has a silver lining… I think.

Chapter Seventeen – Oliver

I haven’t felt good all night long. Ever since Rita left my apartment with a million barely answered questions still spinning through her head, I’ve felt like crap. So much so that I haven’t slept at all. Not only have I made things very weird with Rita, I don’t think she’ll be coming around here for some spur of the moment any time soon, I’ve also hurt Louise. Even if she didn’t see me and Rita together, she will have heard about it, there’s no getting away from it, and I hate the way that I’ve made her feel. She must hate me right now, I dread to even think about her reaction.

I should have just told her my plan, I think as I sit in the canteen anxiously waiting for her to arrive, if she does turn up. Why didn’t I just tell her? Why didn’t I warn her that it was all just a cover up?

“Hey, that was some hot piece of ass meeting you from work last night,” Simon says while he claps me on the back. “I didn’t know you were seeing someone at the moment. I thought…”

I flick my eyes up at him. “What did you think?” I demand, maybe a little too coldly since Simon certainly isn’t attacking me or anything. “I don’t always tell you everything, you know.”

“Woah, okay.” He laughs and holds up his hands in mock surrender. “I’m not digging you out, I just want to catch up to see what’s going on with you. I’ve heard that you were hooking up with the cute little red head you’re working with, and since you turned me away from her when I asked…”

“I’m not,” I jump in quickly, unable to stand this conversation for even a moment longer. It’s too much right now. “I’m seeing Rita, as you can now tell, so yeah… nothing to tell but that really.”

“Well there is.” It seems Simon isn’t done, which is utterly frustrating. “Because you’re seeing someone. I don’t think I’ve ever known you to class yourself as ‘seeing someone’ before. It’s weird.”

“I… I…” Shit, I didn’t think about that when I concocted this madness. I should have guessed that Simon would be the one to question me. “I’m growing up, aren’t I? That’s all. I’m getting older now I had my birthday really recently, and I think it might be time to start changing.”

“What are you on about?” He chuckles loudly and bemusedly. “You just told your mom the other day that you don’t want any of that crap. And you’ve never told me any different either.”

I push my chair backwards, scraping it along the floor and I stand up, ready to bolt at a moment’s notice. “Yeah well like I said, I don’t tell you everything. Maybe I really am just changing.”

“Yeah,” Simon rolls his eyes dramatically. Clearly this isn’t a conversation he likes. While I don’t want to push him away, I just don’t want to talk about it and I need him to get that. I’m not worried about our friendship, I know we’ll get through it, I just need a break right now. I hope he understands that. “Tell me about it. You definitely aren’t acting like yourself at the moment. When you’re ready to talk about it with me, just let me know, okay. As always, I’ll be here waiting.”

“Yes, thank you, Simon. I will.” I don’t say anymore because I know that I don’t need to finish that thought. He gets it, I think. At least he doesn’t seem pissed off at me which I’m going to take as a win for now. We’ll sort it out at some point, first I need to work out where my head is at.

As I get into my office, I rest my aching head on my desk and wonder what life would be like had I met Louise in different circumstances. Maybe if I’d just seen her in a bar or something much more normal. Sure, at first I’m sure I would have only chased her for her looks. I would have only been interested in sex, like I always am, but after talking to her a little I probably would have liked her. I might’ve wanted more. Maybe I would be doing what I just told Simon I am, and I’d be changing and growing up. I wouldn’t be good enough for her, but maybe I’d change. I’d be better, more romantic, I’d take her out on dates to woo her.

In this scenario, she wouldn’t be having another man’s baby and we could actually be together.

I haven’t ever wanted to be with anyone before, the thought of commitment, of settling down with one woman when there are still hundreds of thousands out there to sleep with kills me. I honestly didn’t ever think I’d end up in a position where it was possible. It’s utterly shocking to me that I’ve ended up in a position where the idea is actually in my mind. Where I want to make it happen. Who am I? What the hell has happened to me? Simon is right, I have changed, and Rita is right too, I’m acting like a crazy person. I don’t know how to pull myself out of this insane hole.

“Hey.” Oh God, now Louise is here and I have to face her. I can already tell from her cold tone that she knows everything about me and Rita last night. Well, not everything. Only the parts that I wanted my work colleagues to see. The façade covering up the truth. “How’s it going?”

“Erm, yeah it’s okay.” How am I going to broach this subject? Somehow, I need to find a way. I need to scope her mood out first, to see how well my idiocy is going to be received. She already doesn’t look too impressed with me, understandably so. “How are things with you?”

“Oh you know, not too bad.” Her cheeks are stained with pink, it makes me feel horrible. This is all my fault, I hate myself. “So, do we have a lot of patients today? What’s the schedule?”

“Do you not think that we have some things to talk about?” I cock my head curiously as I ask her this. “I don’t want things to get really weird between us. I’d rather just discuss it.”

Louise can’t meet my eyes, she’s looking at the wall as if there’s something fascinating written there which we both know there isn’t. “No, I don’t think there’s anything to talk about, is there? What can we say about this? You have a girlfriend. It isn’t like that’s something you need to tell me.”

“No, no.” I almost laugh at the assumption, the plan worked far too well, I almost can’t believe it. It just worked on the wrong person. “I don’t have a girlfriend, it isn’t like that at all.”

“Okay, not a girlfriend.” It seems that Louise really doesn’t want to hear me out. “Someone you’re dating or whatever. I don’t know how you want to describe it. It’s fine, it doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter, I don’t have a girlfriend. It was all just a part of a plan…”

“I have to go.” I don’t think she’s even listening to me. “I’m just going to see Julia quickly before work. She has some vitamins for me and I need to get them before I get started.”

She swishes from the room and she slams the door loudly behind her. Everything has changed, potentially irrevocably so. Julia and Louise aren’t meeting in here anymore, they’ve cut me from the group, just like that. Just for one stupid move, that I thought would help all of us and I’m out. Louise didn’t even give me a chance to explain. I want to tell her what I was playing at with Rita, but I can’t.

It’s okay, I try my hardest to convince myself. I can just explain it in a bit. When she comes back, I’ll make her sit down with me while I tell her everything. It’ll all be fine. It will be, it has to be.

I stare at the door, waiting her to come back before my first patient arrives because I’d much rather get this done sooner rather than later, but I already know that she won’t be in so soon. It’s clear she’s avoiding me, which means despite my best efforts I’m not going to be able to get rid of the weird tension in the air today. It’s going to be really hard to work through it all day long, I don’t know how it’s going to end up, but since I’m the one who screwed up I’m the one who needs to make it right.

Soon, as to be expected, one of my patients comes in the room before Louise, which means it’s time to get to work. There’s always lunch time, I can make it better then.

***

When the end of the day rolls around, I cannot believe that I still haven’t been able to get a moment alone with Louise which means she still hates my guts. I know that she’s been orchestrating her day and that hurts me even more. She doesn’t even want to give me a chance. How am I supposed to fix this if she won’t even talk to me? Julia won’t meet my eye either, it’s horrible.

“Right, well I suppose I’ll see you tomorrow,” she says in a gushing tone of voice as she attempts to make a quick exit from the room. “Erm, good day and all that.”

“No, Louise.” I know for a fact that if I let this go on any longer, then I risk never getting to explain myself. “Please don’t go, I need to talk to you. I have some stuff that I want to discuss.”

“No, I don’t think so. I don’t know if there’s anything we can talk about.”

She closes the gap between herself and the door which causes my breath to get stuck in my throat. She’s desperate to get out of here and I really need her to stay. This is hell.

“No, Louise, please don’t go. I know that this is weird. Please don’t leave before giving me a chance to let me speak to you. I’ve messed up, I know that I have. Just give me a chance to talk…”

She spins around with fury in her gaze. As she moves back towards me I can see that I’m about to get it in the neck, which at least is so much better than her not talking to me at all. A yelling shouting match is better than no conversation at all.

“You messed up?” she demands furiously. “What by fooling around with me when you already have a girlfriend? Are you serious? I do not want to hear that right now.”

“No, honestly, Rita isn’t my girlfriend. She never has been. I don’t know why, but when you first left to go and see the human resources department I came up with an idiotic plan that I thought was a good idea… only now I can see it was stupid. I thought if everyone thought I had a girlfriend, they’d stop talking about us and people wouldn’t assume that your baby is mine.”

She’s silenced by that, I can see the words sucked out of her body. I don’t know if I’ve gotten through to her or not but she isn’t yelling for a moment which I think is a good sign.

“So who is the woman?” she finally whispers. “Who was she?”

“She’s my neighbor.” I can’t lie, not now my voice is too stiff. “Actually, she’s someone that I’ve been hooking up with every now and then, but that’s over now. For sure.”

Louise nods a few times before she asks her next question. “So, I have to ask you this, just because it’s weird, but what about the woman you were hooking up with in your office during an appointment? I mean, we both know that you do that, right? With me. But not just me, I saw you.”

“Yeah,” Urgh, I feel like I’m being torn apart, but I suppose it’s needed. “Yeah I did do that. I’ve done that a few times actually throughout my career. It isn’t great, but that’s who I am. Or who I was. I don’t think I’m that anymore…”

I hope I’m not anyway, and I actually mean that.

Chapter Eighteen – Louise

As I stir in my bed moments before my alarm kicks off I feel like a weight has been lifted from my chest. Speaking to Oliver last night, learning more about his – admittedly very stupid – plan, and the way that he’s been living his life up until this point makes me feel a lot better. I’m closer to him now, he’s opened up to me a little bit, and I feel more connected to him. It also proves to me that I’m not the worst judge of people, Oliver isn’t a terrible person. Maybe he hasn’t always been the best person either, but that’s okay. He’s human, flawed, just like the rest of us.

I smile to myself and turn onto one side where I stare at the wall for just a few moments. I need a minute to gear myself up. The longer my pregnancy goes on for, the more tired I become, it gets harder and harder to get up in the mornings. I wonder how I’ll cope when I’m nine months along with a belly like a ball. I’ll probably have to be rolled out of bed like a whale. It would be funny if it wasn’t so tragic, and accurate, and if I actually had someone to roll me and I’m not going to be alone.

Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…

With a deep sigh, I turn the other way and grab my cell phone off the side. I don’t recognize the number written across the screen so I hit answer without much thinking about it. “Hello?”

“Hello, is this Louise from apartment two oh nine? It’s Bill Brew, the landlord.”

I bolt upright in my bed and I open up my eyes that much wider. Bill only ever calls me when there’s an emergency which means there must be something bad going on. I spin my brain back trying to work out the last time I paid the rent, but I’m pretty sure that I’m up to date.

“Hi, Bill. What’s going on?” I rub my forehead hard. “Is everything okay?”

“Well, not really.” His tone is too grave. I don’t like it one bit. “I have to sell the building, so unfortunately everyone has to move out. I know that this isn’t great news, so I’m giving everyone a month to find somewhere new to go to. Erm, just know that I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t have to.”

“I have to move?” It’s too early for this kind of revelation. “I’m getting kicked out?”

“I don’t want you to think of it like that, but yes. I mean, effectively you need to live somewhere else so yes. I will be sending this all to you in a letter, but I wanted to let you know first.”

Fuck. This is horrible. I’m about to lose my home. The only reason that I’ve been able to live here for such a long time is because the rent is so low. Bill never bothered to raise it, even when all the other landlords did. I always thought that I would stay here until I was done with college and about to get a real job. I never thought I’d end up homeless and completely unable to fund another home for myself. Mind you, this is just one more thing that’s sending me off the track of my life. The baby, Oliver, getting behind in my work, and now this. Now I’ll be living on the streets.

“Right, thank you,” I whisper. “Erm, thank you for letting me know.” Why am I thanking him? He’s giving me the worst news ever. “I’ll speak to you soon, Bill.”

As I hang up the phone, I bolt towards the toilet. For the first time since I got pregnant I’m actually about to be sick. Real sick, not just nausea. I make it into the bathroom and lean over the toilet while hot, disgusting vomit spills past my lips. As I puke, my brain spins wildly as I try to work out what the hell I’m going to do next. One month isn’t anywhere near enough time for me to get myself together, I’m never going to be able to afford rent and deposit. It just isn’t going to happen. So, what I’m going to have to do is find somewhere to stay. Since I don’t have any family, that’s out. Julia is a possibility but I know her apartment is already absolutely stacked. There isn’t much room with her. I might have to stay there for a couple of days, but that’s all I’ll be able to achieve. Even that won’t be enough. It doesn’t buy me anywhere near enough time to get rich.

Fuck. Once I’ve finished being sick, I step into the shower and scrub myself rapidly. I clean myself as much as I can, then I brush my teeth, all while on complete autopilot. Even as I pull my clothes on and I get myself ready for work, I don’t really know what I’m doing. Every single time it feels that things are going really well for me and I’m finally coming to terms in life but then something else comes out of nowhere and it knocks me for six. This is just another horrible obstacle that I have to overcome. Admittedly, it’s a bit more challenging that ‘I’m pissed off with Oliver’ but hopefully I’ll find a way. I need to try and remain positive anyway. If I crack and fall apart, I don’t know how I’ll be able to pull myself back up. I’ve survived this, and I can live through more. I can, I’m sure of it. I need to at least try.

***

I spot Oliver the moment I step into the office, and as I see him my heart skips about ten beats. Every so often it hits me how much I like him, how attracted I am to him, and how I wish he could be mine. Urgh, it hurts so damn badly, but I need to reel it in. I’m already messy enough.

“Hey, Oliver.” I try to keep my tone fake and happy, but I can see in his face he doesn’t totally believe it. “How are you today?” I grab a coffee cup and pour myself a drink. “All okay?”

“Yeah, yeah fine. How about with you?” He narrows his eyes at me. “You good?”

“Erm, yeah sure. I’m okay.” My smile gets faker and faker. “All good. Looking forward to a busy day ahead of us. I presume that we have lots of patients booked in?”

“Yep.” He pushes himself upwards and walks towards the door. “Which is why we should probably get into the office now. We have some paper work to catch up on.”

I know that isn’t the truth, I’m pretty sure that he just wants to talk to me, so I go with him. Actually, the only good thing about this problem is that it’s easy to talk about. It’s hard to deal with but it isn’t as embarrassing as the last few problems I’ve had to discuss.

As soon as we get into the office he clicks the door behind him and he spins to face me with a determined expression on his face. “Right, Louise, what’s going on with you right now? I can already tell that you aren’t okay, so spill it over. I think we’ve already proven that keeping things inside isn’t helpful.”

“No, no I’ll tell you it’s okay,” I chuckle as I think about how many ridiculous conversations we’ve had to have. This is the craziest doctor, trainee relationship of all time. “It isn’t anything too painful, I just…” Urgh, all of a sudden it sticks in my throat again. “I got a phone call this morning that my apartment building is being sold so I have to move out in less than a month’s time.”

“What?” Oliver looks horrified. “Don’t they have to give you more time than a month? Surely there’s a legal case that you have here. I’m sure there’s something you can do…”

“No, no.” I hold up my hands to stop him. “I’m sure there is and under any other circumstances I would want to fight this to the bitter end, but this isn’t the best time for me. I’m about to have a baby and I cannot deal with this. Especially with that, I’ll probably end up having to move out anyway. It won’t change the fact that I really can’t afford it and I don’t have anywhere to go.”

Oliver’s face contorts, I can see all the emotions crossing his face. I have a horrible feeling that he’s about to offer me money which will suck. I’ll need it and a part of me will want to take it, but I can’t. I cannot take money that I can’t afford to pay back and I hate owing people stuff. I just won’t be able to do it. As he parts his lips, I brace myself, I wait for the dreaded words to fly out of his mouth.

“Why don’t you come and stay with me?” he says instead, shocking me to the core.

“Huh?” I’m gob smacked, I barely even know what to say. “What do you mean?”

“Okay, look.” Oliver stares at me intently. “I have a big apartment, like a huge space. There is so much room in there it’s ridiculous. There’s no point in me living there alone while you live on the damn streets. You can have your own room, your own bathroom, it won’t even be like I’m there.”

Oh my God, his words are too much, it’s the sort of offer that I didn’t even dare to wish for. A home, somewhere to stay where I won’t be in the way and that I can stay for a while, during which time I can actually sort my life out. It’s too good to be true, which of course means I can’t take it.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I gush desperately. “I mean, thank you so much for the offer, but I don’t want to impose. I feel like I’ve already done that enough…”

“You honestly wouldn’t be imposing. Honestly. I wouldn’t make the offer if I didn’t mean it. You can come and crash at mine, no issues, while you get yourself sorted out. That way you can save up and get yourself a decent apartment for you and the baby. I don’t mind even if you stay right until the end.” He laughs. “Hell, you can even stay after the baby has come. I don’t mind. My home could use some noise within it. It’ll be fun. Won’t it?”

It’s too much, I can see it in his face that he’s being serious with his offer, which makes it all the more touching. I hesitate just because I’m trying my hardest to find out why this could all go wrong, and I’m more than sure that it can, but I can’t think of any reasons right now.

“Erm, I mean, would that be alright?” I ask coyly. “I really don’t want to be a pain, but I don’t want to end up pregnant and homeless. If I had some family members left I’d bother them, but I don’t.”

Oliver touches my shoulder and he grins sincerely at me. “Louise, we are friends. What do friends do for each other? They help out. You would do the same for me, I’m sure of it.”

I would, I know that I would, so I nod. “Thank you so much, Oliver. I really appreciate this. I won’t be there for too long, I promise you of that. I won’t be there when the baby comes.”

Oliver laughs and nods. “Okay, well maybe that would be a little too much. I don’t know if I’d be any good with a baby, but until then… you’re welcome to stay for as long as you want. It’ll be fun to have you around.”

Fun… yeah, maybe. I’m not too sure about that, but it’s worth a try. I don’t have any other options anyway, so this is all I got.

Chapter Nineteen – Oliver

“Is that all you have?” I gasp in shock as Louise gets out of the cab with two rucksacks and three large bags. “There must be more. Do you need to go back and get the rest of your stuff?”

“Nope,” she chuckles loudly with a happy, if maybe slightly nervous, look on her face. “This is honestly it. I’ve emptied everything in my apartment and this is everything. I just don’t own much.”

“I suppose that will change once the baby comes. I think you’ll need all sorts then.”

“Yeah, don’t remind me.” She rolls her eyes and walks across the sidewalk to greet me. “I don’t know how I’m going to cope with it all. At least I have a chance of saving some cash to afford it all now. Thank you again for letting me come to stay with you, I really appreciate it.”

Louise looks up at me with expectant eyes, just as she has been over the last few days. I’m sure she keeps thinking that I’ll change my mind, but that’s never going to happen. I know that this is a good idea. Sure, on the surface of it, it might seem a little nuts, but underneath I know we can make this work. If I’m honest, I’m actually a little excited about trying it. I haven’t ever wanted to share my space with anyone before. It’ll be like a little practice, to see if I can ever be in a real relationship when the times comes. If the time comes. Oh God, if only my mom could see me now.

“You are more than welcome, like I said there’s plenty of space. Come on, let’s go inside.”

We take the elevator up through the floors of my building, during which time I negotiate taking some of her bags from her. She’s more determined to be independent than any woman I’ve ever met before, and that doesn’t even change when she has a baby inside of her. I suppose it’s because she’s always had to be that way, she hasn’t had any choice because she’s pretty much always been alone.

“Right, it’s this one. Come inside.” I move her from the elevator to my apartment quickly because I’m afraid Rita might come out. While we didn’t leave things on bad terms, it wasn’t the nicest of moods either. I’m sure the situation will be misconstrued if she comes out to see me moving another girl into my apartment after what happened. She’ll think I used her for all the wrong reasons. Since she’s clearly avoiding me I’m sure it’ll be okay, but I better be cautious just in case. “Here.”

“Oh wow, this apartment really is huge!” Louise gushes as she walks inside. “I mean, I lived in an apartment too, but it wasn’t anything like this. It was basically all in one room. This is… it’s crazy.” She spins and takes it all in, which causes me to laugh appreciatively. “This is awesome.”

I stand back and watch her for a few moments, simply enjoying the sight of her in my home. She suits it, she looks good, despite the fact that it’s a bachelor pad that’s never had a woman’s touch, she looks like she belongs. If the situation was anything different, then she could belong here.

“Come on,” I eventually feel compelled to interject before I lose myself in my imagination. “Let me show you to your room.” I had the bedroom spruced up for her and I really hope she likes it.

I open the door wider and show her the inside which makes her gasp really happily. “Oh my goodness, are you sure, Oliver? This is really nice. I mean, it’s gorgeous. It’s much nicer than my whole apartment. It might even be bigger… look at the bed, and the wardrobe.”

“It’s got an en suite bathroom too,” I jump in, loving her happiness. It makes me feel so good to be able to do something so nice for Louise. She really deserves it. “So, you have your own space.”

It seems that she acts without even thinking about it, because the next minute her arms have flung around me and she’s clinging onto me for dear life. I can feel her shoulder shaking against me, which suggests she might be weeping. I just really hope that it’s happy tears! I want this to be a nice moment for both of us and the time that we really cement our friendship.

“So, you like it then?” I ask brightly. “You think you can settle in here for a while.”

“Oh you don’t want me to settle in,” she mumbles into my chest. “You might never get rid of me. I might end up staying forever and ever, this is the nicest apartment I’ve seen in my life.”

In the past, a statement like that would have definitely freaked me out. There’s no doubt about it. Whether this was a friendship deal or not I would be regretting my offer and trying to squirm out of it. I’d probably just buy her home to get her out of mine… but Louise’s statement leaves me nothing but relaxed. Oddly calm, actually. Like I never want her to leave.

“Right.” Finally I step back and I give her some space. Or me some space, since I’m the one freaking out. “I’ll give you some time to get settled in. Once you’re ready give me a yell and I’ll put the kettle on. Make us a coffee, or a tea, whatever it is that you’re allowed. Sound good?”

“Yep, sounds good. I’ll see you in a bit.”

As I move back through my apartment, I feel like I’m floating on air, like all of this isn’t totally real. If someone had told me that I’d find myself in this situation only a few months ago I would’ve called them insane. But here I am, practically cohabiting! It’s madness, but in a really good way.

I flop onto the couch and I flick the television on. There’s a football game on, but it isn’t enough to capture my attention. Instead I find myself daydreaming about what my life would be like to have someone permanently by my side. I’ve never thought of myself as a lonely person before, more as the mad, party guy who’s always having fun, but now that I’m really examining myself in a way that I haven’t done so before I’m not sure that it really has been all that great. Aside from Simon, no one really knows me. They only see my persona. And while random, meaningless hook ups have been fun, they leave me very inexperienced in a certain area, and that’s opening up and being honest about myself. I’ve been far more open with Louise than anyone else before, and I kinda like it. I’m vulnerable and surprisingly it isn’t the worst thing that could ever happen to me.

“Okay, I think I’m done.” A smile bursts onto my face as I hear Louise talking. “And I could really use that coffee you were talking about before. I’m parched.”

“Of course.” I leap up, flick the TV off and head towards the kitchen. There, as the kettle boils, I do what I can to get my game face back on. I can’t let Louise know that I’ve been mooning and daydreaming. We’re doing what we can to make this as normal as possible. I can’t start being weird.

I take the drink back into the living room where Louise is waiting for me. I can tell that she’s been pacing, which means she has something intense on her mind. I don’t want to know what it is because it might ruin this really nice day that we’ve been having so far.

“I’ve been thinking…” Okay, she’s going to tell me whether I like it or not. “What are we going to say to people at work? If I’m commuting with you every day then won’t they talk?”

“Huh.” It’s weird, the gossip that I was so desperate to prevent not so long ago now doesn’t feel important to me at all. I don’t care now what people say and I’m not sure what’s changed. “I mean, I don’t think it matters too much because people might talk anyway, but you can always say that you split up with the father of your child and you need somewhere to stay. It isn’t too far from the truth.”

“But, won’t you get in trouble? If people start thinking that we’re together?”

“It won’t matter because we’re telling the truth. There isn’t anything going on, this is just a friend doing one favor for another friend. I don’t think we have anything to worry about.”

But as Louise gives me an intense look, I wonder how truthful we’re being. Are we just fooling ourselves by thinking that we can keep things above board by sharing an apartment? My home might be big but there’s no way we can completely avoid one another. Maybe we’ve accidently put ourselves in the worst situation possible and we’ll never be able to resist, just like during the appointment…

But then Louise reaches down and she touches her slightly swollen belly, reminding me that it’ll never happen. She isn’t in a place of hooking up and I’m only helping her own. I’m going to be respectful and keep away from her because it’s the right thing to do. Her life is complicated enough without me interfering and meddling, just because I can’t control myself.

“Well, if you’re sure.” She shrugs. “I don’t care so much about gossip because I’m pretty sure I’ve always been talked about. I just don’t want you to get into any trouble.”

We sip our drinks in silence, both of us trying our best to ignore the weird tension that’s filled the air, but there’s no denying that it’s there. It’s a shame, because there will always be something unanswered between me and Louise, and it isn’t going to help that we’ll never get our closure.

Still, we’re both adults, we can be each other’s friends. I’m sure once we’re more used to each other’s living habits the attraction will grow. This might even make it a whole lot easier. Who knows?

“Do you have anything planned today?” I ask her cordially. “I left the whole day free because I assumed it’d take you that long to get moved in!”

“Oh well, I don’t really have anything planned either. I thought it all might take a lot longer, so I guess we’ve got a long old Sunday stretched out in front of us.”

I don’t know if I can stand that, it all feels like too much pressure. We need to get out and do something so we can ease into this at a much better pace. If things start off weird and complicated, that will only get worse. I don’t want that, it’ll ruin everything.

“Why don’t we go and see a movie?” I ask while pulling my wallet out my pocket to shake it at her. “And something to eat afterwards, my treat. We need to do something to celebrate your moving in, don’t we? Why not do that by being out of the house!” I laugh at my crap joke. “If you want?”

“Oh sure.” The most adorable grin ever crosses Louise’s face. “That sounds really nice actually. I can’t remember the last time I went out to watch a movie. I don’t even care what we see, I just love being in the movie theatre! Can we get popcorn?”

“Of course we can, whatever you want. Popcorn, chocolate, chips. Let’s do this.”

Yeah, this is going to be fine. I can’t envision any problems coming our way. It might be a little bit weird because of what happened, but I’m sure we can make this work. I have confidence in me and Louise. We can make this friendship happen.

Chapter Twenty – Louise

“Are you sure this isn’t weird?” I hiss at Oliver for what feels like the hundredth time. “I understand if you don’t want to do this. It’s odd for me, so for you this must be nuts…”

“Louise.” He slides his hand into mine, interweaving our fingers together in a way that is far too couple like, but feels so good that it hurts. “If I didn’t want to be here, I wouldn’t be. But yes, for me being in any doctor’s waiting room is a bit strange, especially for this. I didn’t think I’d be here for a very long time. Maybe not even ever. You heard about my past, right?”

His little joke makes me laugh and eases just a little bit of the tension that forms in my chest. I might not be able to stop the butterflies flapping violently in my stomach, but at least I can giggle.

“How old are you now?” I tease in an easygoing way that’s come from our genuine friendship. “Did you think you’d be fifty years old and having kids? You’ll be too tired for them then.”

“Pfft, have you seen me? I’m in the prime of my life. I’m doing alright thank you very much.”

His hand doesn’t leave mine the entire time and I can’t help feeling like he’s my boyfriend. Since the real father of my child is nowhere to be found, it’s nice not to have to come to my obstetrician appointments all by myself. I was going to ask Julia to come with me, but Oliver offered. He stepped up, just like he has done over and over again for me, he’s been there where no one else has.

Again, I find my brain dipping into the daydream where I wish he could be my baby’s father. I know it’d be strange and it would make work very complicated, but then this could be something. The more time I spend around Oliver, the more we get to know one another, the more I like him. I wish that we could just be together, I wish this hand holding could all be real.

“So are you going to find out the baby’s gender?” Oliver asks me quietly as he leans in towards me. His breath tickles my neck which makes me shiver. “Or do you want to keep it a surprise?”

“I think I’m going to find out.” I nod determinedly. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I want to know. That way I can get myself more prepared. I can think of names too.”

“Do you have any ideas yet?” I wonder if Oliver meant to squeeze my fingers as he said that.

I have, but I don’t want to tell anyone any of them. At the moment, I’m acting like I’m definitely one hundred percent going to keep the baby and raise him or her myself after the birth, because right now I feel like that’s what I want to do. But in all honesty, I haven’t totally ruled out the idea of adoption yet. If I can’t cope with everything that’ll land on my plate, then maybe my child will be better off with another family. Since I don’t know anything about children and I have no idea how I’ll survive it, I’m currently keeping my options open. I think I know what I’m going to do, but I don’t want to rule anything out. So instead of answering Oliver, I shake my head coyly.

“Oh well, that might be for the best anyway. You can name your child after the birth when you know what he or she will look like. Something might instantly come to you.”

“Yep.” My heart skips excitedly in my chest. “We’ll see.”

There’s another pregnant lady sitting across from me all by herself. She clutches onto her belly, lovingly protecting her child in a way that I recognize well, but there’s a deep sadness in her eyes. I wonder what her story is, I wonder how similar we are. Maybe she made a spur of the moment mistake too, or maybe the father of her child ran off as soon as he learned that she was about to have a baby. Maybe she was married and her husband cheated on her. Either way, she’s all by herself now.

Almost as if she can feel my eyes upon her, she turns to look at me. Her eyes instantly fall to my hand that’s laced through Oliver’s and I can see the jealousy there. She thinks I have the support of my partner, that I have a baby coming into the world with a father. I’m sure she hates me right now because she thinks I have everything that she doesn’t. I almost want to reassure her that I don’t, that I’m in a similar mess to her. I want to admit that while me and Oliver seem to share some feelings, they’ll always be this unsaid thing hanging above us, a torture that can never be resolved.

But I don’t say any of that because I don’t want to be the insane person in the doctor’s waiting room. I also can’t discuss any of it in front of Oliver. We’re keeping things fairly superficial, neither of us are discussing our feelings, and it works. I don’t want to rock the boat.

“Louise Wilter?” Finally, one of the nurses calls out to me. “Are you here?”

“Yes.” I hold up my hand like I’m in school. “I’m here.” I rise from my seat and smile thinly at her. The nerves are back with full vengeance now. “Is it time for me to go in?”

“First, I’m going to take your blood pressure and then your bloods and a urine sample, later the doctor will take you through to the ultrasound room.” She raises one of her eyebrows at me. “While you’re here, we need to do all your tests to check that everything is okay with the baby.”

She indicates for me to follow her, but before I do I turn back to Oliver and I give him a desperate look. I don’t want him to wait here, I need him to come in with me. He seems to be waiting for permission because as soon as I stare at him he leaps up like he’s been electrocuted.

We walk down a stark, white hallway and into a room. I take the seat next to the nurse’s desk while she wraps the blood pressure machine around my arm. Oliver hovers in the corner, biting down on his thumb nail while he waits, looking ever the anxious father. Oh, if only he could be.

“Okay,” the nurse smiles. “Your BP looks good. Now I’m just going to do a blood test. Are you okay with needles?” I nod rapidly. As a doctor, I have to be. I might not much like them going into my body but I have to just get on with it. “And what about you, father to be?” She turns to Oliver. “You aren’t a fainter, are you? You won’t believe how many Dads we get panicking more than Moms.”

“Oh no…” I part my lips, ready to protest that Oliver isn’t the father of my child. I think it might be better if we clarify all of this sooner rather than later so it doesn’t get strange… but I don’t get a chance to clear it up because Oliver nods and answers her question, ignoring any weirdness.

“No, needles don’t bother me at all.” He steps closer and grabs onto my hand again. He leans down and gives me a warm, crinkly smile. “But I’ll hold onto you, just in case.”

I don’t even notice the needle sliding into my arm, all I can focus on is Oliver. He’s really acting like he’s my kind and doting partner right now which is sending my hormones flying everywhere. All I want to do is wrap my entire body tightly around him and never let him go. I want to tell him that he has to stay with me, that we need to be a family even though he isn’t the biological father of my baby, and that he doesn’t have a choice in the matter. But I can’t, because I’m not a crazy person. He’s obviously just acting this way to stop the nurse from asking a million and one questions.

“Right and now here’s the pot.” The nurse hands a urine pot to me with one hand while she pats the blood spot on my arm with the other. Multitasking brilliantly, like all the best medical professionals. “Once you’ve done your sample I’ll take you through to the doctor.”

I feel a deep pull in my chest as I leave Oliver with the nurse, like I can’t stand to be away from him for even a moment. I’m getting out of control, this is sheer madness. I get into the toilet and I do what needs to be done, all while trying my hardest to calm my racing heart down. Of course, this is confusing, I have a man being nicer to me than anyone who’s ever come before him and I’m attracted to him as well, but I can’t even think about acting on that now. Not when I need him. If I do or say anything to screw this up, then I’ll end up jobless and homeless on top of everything else. Oliver is the one constant, the one person who’s not changed even when my whole life has fallen apart.

I cannot lose him, I remind myself. I can’t do anything to scare him away.

I plaster a fake bright smile on my face as I head back into the nurse’s office. She’s chatting and laughing comfortably with Oliver like they’re old friends. He’s made her feel just as comfortable as he does everyone that crosses him. He has a way about him, a charisma that draws everyone in. She might even be flirting with him, which isn’t surprising. I don’t blame her at all, but I do want it to stop.

I cough awkwardly and step right into the room, making my presence known. Both of them turn to see me with no guilt whatsoever in their eyes. Of course, neither of them think that they’ve wronged me because they haven’t, but I don’t know if now I’m really wanted.

Maybe this is what it would be like to actually be Oliver’s girlfriend. It feels good to have found a negative, I don’t want to think that life with him would be perfect when I can’t ever have it. Maybe he’ll always be flirting, women will always be throwing themselves at him, and his poor girlfriend will always be jealous and on the sidelines. He hasn’t ever had a serious relationship yet, from what he’s told me, and maybe that’s why. Maybe he just cannot do it.

“Right.” The nurse moves to the door. “Let’s go and see your baby…”

The cold jelly across my stomach makes me jump, even the doctor’s warning wasn’t enough it’s almost painful it’s so cold, but I soon recover from the horrible sensation when I can hear a thumping heart beat sound and a grainy image comes up on the screen. Maybe I can’t see any shapes yet, but I know for a fact that it’s my baby, which instantly brings tears to my eyes. This is more emotional than I thought it would be! I’m falling apart already.

“Okay.” The doctor points at the screen. “This is your baby here.” I gasp loudly as the heart warming image comes to life. “Here’s the head, the stomach, the arms, the legs… and so far everything looks good. I can’t see anything that would cause me any concern...”

She pauses for a moment and examines the image closely. I can feel Oliver’s eyes on me as she does but I can’t look at him right now. I have a more important person to examine, my baby. A child that I made, pretty much all by myself. A rush of maternal love washes over me and I wonder why I ever thought I could give my child to someone else to care for. However hard it is, I want to do it alone. This is my child after all, we need to be together…

“Ah, do you want to know what you’re having? I can see right now.”

I gulp and nod. “Yes please.”

Oliver grips onto my hand and I let him do so despite the fact that I can’t look at him yet. This emotional moment is bonding us, tying us together even tighter and I have a horrible feeling that I’m never going to be able to extract myself.

“You’re having a baby boy.”

I crack, I crumble, and I sob as I learn the truth about my child, but Oliver’s comforting arms are around me in a second. He holds me close, and I can hear a crack in his throat too. I’m having a baby boy, I cannot believe it, and by the sounds of it nor can Oliver…

Chapter Twenty One – Oliver

Everyone thinks that me and Louise are together now, even the people who work here with me. Despite the fact that it isn’t the case at all and we’re definitely nothing more than friends, I quite like that everyone thinks that. It’s certainly proven to me that I could have someone permanent in my life, and that maybe I actually might like it. I wouldn’t mind having a ‘girlfriend’, it wouldn’t be the worst.

“Hi there, Doctor Foxx,” Kelly declares in a seductive tone of voice as she slides into my office, bringing a perfumed aroma that fills the room with her. “How are you today?”

“I’m good thank you.” I give her a bright and genuine smile. “How are you?”

She glances her eyes everywhere as if she’s searching for something that she can’t find yet. “Where’s your student? I’ve heard quite a lot about her from other patients of yours.”

I don’t know what she means by that, I’m not sure if it’s a bitchy thing or just a curiosity request. I can’t quite tell from Kelly’s tone, but it doesn’t really matter either way. All of a sudden, I’ve managed to shake off the fear of other people talking about me, I don’t know why I cared at all.

“She’s not in today. She’s having a baby and not feeling too great.”

“Urgh, yeah.” Kelly rolls her eyes. “Tell me about it. Being pregnant is horrible. It’s all bloating and feeling sick and wanting to eat but not at the same time. A real barrel of laughs.”

As she lies herself on the examination table I cock my head and watch her. Objectively I can see that she’s gorgeous and I know what attracted me to her, but at the same time I don’t feel it anymore. There isn’t any excitement, no thrill, no anticipation that something is about to happen. I don’t really want anything to happen, I want to just act the professional that I should have always been.

“Right.” I flick the latex gloves onto my hands and I get my head in the game. “Let’s do this. Have you had any changes? Anything that concerns you? Or is this just a general check up?”

Kelly props herself up onto her elbows and she gives me the cheekiest smile. “I want the sort of check up that involves your assistant not being here. So, for once I’m glad for pregnancy troubles.”

I cringe inside. I should have known this was coming. There’s no way that Kelly can know that my opinion on everything has changed. How can she be expected to understand that something’s shifted within me and I don’t know where my head is at anymore? And how the fuck am I supposed to explain that to her? Especially since I don’t have a girlfriend to use as a barrier.

“Oh well, I don’t think that’s possible today. I’m under observation from the higher ups.”

“No, you aren’t,” Kelly scoffs and laughs. “There’s no way that anyone will be watching you. You’re the best, most successful doctor in your field. What could they be worried about?”

All of a sudden, an idea pops into my brain. I don’t like using it, it makes me feel a bit ill but I’ve got to say something that she’ll believe. “Actually, it’s because of my behavior. I guess someone must have reported me for acting in an unsuitable way. I don’t want to get caught doing just that.”

“Your assistant.” Kelly nod furiously. “It has to be her. All of a sudden, she’s working with you and someone’s reported you? I don’t buy it. Plus, one of my friends said that it’s completely obvious how much she’s in love with you. You need to get rid of her, get someone better.”

The word ‘love’ and the ease that it flies out of Kelly’s mouth when she’s discussing Louise stops me in my tracks. I know that she doesn’t know anything at all about me and her, but if people are talking and they can see chemistry growing between us then maybe we’re in trouble here.

“She’s a trainee,” I pitch in, needing to say something. “Not an assistant, so I can’t fire her.”

“Oh well then maybe she’ll have the baby soon and you can carry on as normal.”

As I get close enough to Kelly, she loops an arm around my neck but I pull away sharply. I don’t want to be caught in any kind of compromising position with Kelly, and not because I don’t want to lose my job. I don’t want Louise to hear any of the dangerous gossip, I don’t want to push her away.

“No, I’m serious,” I insist whilst sidling backwards to create some real distance between me and Kelly. “I really can’t. I have to behave. If I get caught doing anything then I’m out.”

“So?” She wiggles her eyebrows playfully in my direction. “Doesn’t that make it so much more fun? I won’t let them fire you, my husband donates too much money to this place.”

It’s only now that I can hear how tacky that sounds. “No, I don’t think so. I don’t think…”

“They’ll have to keep you on. I’ll make him give the office more money…”

“Kelly.” My tone is firm now, I don’t see what else I can do but really make this clear. “I can either give you a formal examination or nothing at all. I don’t want this to become an issue, I’m just trying to keep my job here. I appreciate everything that you’ve offered, but I can’t.”

A thick silence clings to the air for a moment, but then she seems to get it… or at least something. “Ah I see.” She jumps down off the bed and purses her lips at me. “It’s because of the girl, isn’t it? The nurse assistant who’s in love with you. Is it your baby? Is that why?” She grabs her bag and storms towards the door. “I’d much rather you just be honest with me in future.”

As the door slams loudly behind her, I jump in shock. That exchange was unexpected, and the ironic thing is I might have pissed Kelly off so much that she tells the truth about me and she gets me fired. I can’t keep hooking up with her just to keep my job though… or maybe that’s the cross I have to bear. Maybe it’s fate intervening and I brought this all on myself.

Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…

My cell phone blasts out, filling me with a pit of dread in the bottom of my stomach. Can Kelly have acted that quickly? Could I be about to lose my job already? With anxious, shaking fingers I reach out to grab the phone but breathe much easier as I see the name on the screen. I might as well answer it now since Kelly left early. I don’t have anyone in for a fair while now.

“Hi, Mom.” She’s never been great for ringing me at appropriate times, which has gotten much worse since she’s started travelling. I don’t think she understands the concept of time anymore.

“Hi, Oliver.” She sounds happy which is good. Maybe I’m not in for a lecture today. “How’s it going? Sorry that it’s been so long again. Things have been crazy, you know how it is.”

“Oh no it’s fine. Things are good. Different from the last time I spoke to you, but good.”

“Different?” Oops, I should have known that she would leap on that word. I said it accidently but now it’s going to become this whole big thing. Damn it! “How different? What’s happened?”

“Oh nothing.” I don’t know how I’m going to be able to play this one off. “I just have a new trainee at work so I’ve been very busy. It’s hard when I have someone shadowing me.”

“Male or female?” Urgh, she’s relentless. Like a dog with a bone with information. “How old?”

“Female.” That’ll spark a fire, I just know it. I wish I could start this conversation over again. “And she’s twenty two. Almost. She graduated high school early because she’s so smart.”

“Hmm, I see. So she’s young, but intelligent… it sounds like you’re into her.”

“What?” I exclaim in disbelief. “But I didn’t even say anything about her really. What are you talking about? She’s just someone who’s working with me while she trains, that’s all.”

“Well that’s obviously a lie.” My brain spins as I desperately try to work out who could have told her this. But no one comes to mind, the closest would be Simon but he doesn’t know my mom. “You obviously have feelings for her. You didn’t need to say much because I could hear it in your voice. You went all soft when you spoke about her which I’ve never heard you do before. Now, I might not approve of the age difference, or the fact that you’re working together, but at the same time if this is progress towards you actually liking someone then I might be all for it. I’ll have to meet her though.”

The thought of my mom meeting Louise fills me with dread. That would be bad enough if the narrative that Mom has created was the truth, but the fact that she has another man’s child growing in her stomach is cause for all kinds of unwanted judgment. I cannot let that happen!

“No, Mom, it isn’t like that. She’s just my friend, that’s all…”

“Oliver, stop kidding yourself.” Exasperation rolls off of Mom’s tongue. “This girl is much more than a friend to you which is perfect. You need someone in your life…”

I hate her saying this to me, especially as I agree with her but the one person I want to bring into my life is out of reach, so I shut her down as rapidly as I can manage. “Mom, I don’t want to talk about this right now, I am at work, it really isn’t the time. I’ll give you a call later on.”

“No, don’t go. I know you’re at work, but I never get to talk to you. Just speak to me about this, I want to understand what’s going on better. Maybe I should come and visit you soon…”

She’s still talking but I hit the end button, getting rid of her. It’s just damn typical of my life that the one time I mention something that makes her proud of me but it isn’t something that can happen.

She’s so bloody interfering I think as I skid my phone across my desk in temper and irritation. Urgh, just leave me alone, mother, for crying out loud!

I don’t know anyone else who has parents like mine. A father who I never hear from and a mother who I don’t see but manages to dig her fingers into all of my business at the same time. It’s infuriating. Sometimes I wish she would just be normal and say ‘hello’ and that’s about it…

Then again, I suppose I’m lucky to have her really. Louise doesn’t have anyone. She has a father who might as well be Santa since he doesn’t exist to her, and a mother who opted out of life. At least I know through everything that I’m never alone, not really. I suppose it’s selfish of me to get annoyed with them really, I should simply count my blessings.

For a moment, I think about Louise’s baby boy once more. He’ll be another one who grows up without knowing who his father is. Of course, I don’t blame Louise, this is his fault not hers, she has tried to locate him through all the people at Julia’s house party but he’s nowhere to be found. I wonder if it’ll affect him, if he’ll be troubled growing up without a father figure in his life. It’s a shame, it shouldn’t be this way but I suppose this sort of thing happens all the time.

Chapter Twenty Two – Louise

“I’m so glad you’re feeling better now,” Oliver comments with a smile over dinner. “You look a lot less pale than you did this morning anyway. All the relaxing must have helped.”

I try to look just as happy back but the truth is I can’t muster up a genuine smile to save my life. Today is the day when I have to admit something before it eats me up alive, and I know that as soon as I do, things will be too strained between us to stay. Luckily, during my time here I’ve managed to save up enough money to book a motel room for a little while during which time I’ll figure out my next move. It isn’t ideal and to be honest I know fully well that it would be so much easier to keep my mouth shut and to just keep on going, but I can’t ignore my feelings any longer.

Every single time I’m anywhere near him my heart skips about ten beats, my tummy churns painfully, butterflies flap everywhere… Julia’s words have got me thinking and I’m pretty sure that I’m head over heels in love with Oliver. Like, full on, properly in love. The sort that makes absolutely no sense at all. Me and Oliver shouldn’t be together for so many reasons, but I want him so bad that it hurts. It isn’t dying down, it’s only getting worse and I know that once the baby comes and my hormones are all over the place that’ll only get more complicated. I can’t have a clean break, but I can create some distance and I’m pretty sure that’s what I need right now.

God, I hate it. I don’t want to be away from him, but it’s essential. Sure, even only working with him will be hard enough because all those feelings will still be there, but at least there will be some separation. At the moment there isn’t an escape, he’s absolutely everywhere in my life.

“Oliver, I… I need to erm,” God why is this so hard? “I need to talk to you about something.”

“You do?” He doesn’t look up from his plate, he doesn’t seem too concerned. “What’s that?”

I suck in a deep breath of air and try to calm down the ice cold panic that’s currently circling me painfully. This is a speech that I’ve been practicing all day long, ever since I finished packing, but somehow, I still don’t have it right. How am I supposed to say the most terrifying words ever?

“Yes, I do. I… I don’t think I can carry on living here. I think it’s time I move out.”

“What?” Now I have his full attention, his gorgeous, soul piercing eyes are staring right at me. “What the hell do you mean? Why do you have to move out? What’s happened here?”

I sigh and rub my forehead hard. There’s a head ache forming in my brain that’s practically agony. “I don’t think it’s healthy for me to stay.” I try to be diplomatic. “I’m going to have to move out once the baby is born anyway, so I think it’s better I do that as soon possible. It just makes sense.”

Oliver leans back in his chair and he runs his eyes over me. With his eyebrows furrowed and his lips pursed tightly together I can tell that I’ve upset him. I want to cringe and start over. I needed this to be smooth and painless. I should have known it wouldn’t work like that.

“It doesn’t make sense, not really,” he starts in a slightly cold tone of voice. “Because you have months left and I don’t think you’ve saved up enough money yet. I don’t think that’s the reason, I think there’s something else. Why don’t you just tell me what it is? I think you owe me that much.”

I know I do, he’s right about that one. He’s opened up his home to me and fed me lots. He hasn’t asked for a single penny off me and he refuses any cash I try to offer him. I do owe him but the more I think about it the more I don’t know if it’s a good idea to tell him the full truth. We do still have to work together after all. Maybe I can get away with not admitting my feelings.

“I know I owe you. I am being honest with you, I’m just trying to be honest.”

“Louise, come on. I’ve known you for long enough to know that you aren’t. There’s something going on with you and I want to know what it is.” His expression turns pleading, I can tell that the begging is about to come and I don’t know how to resist it. “Please. We’re friends.”

“Yeah, yeah we are.” I slide my eyes closed and I try to prepare myself. I need to end this conversation somehow. “But I don’t think it’s a good idea if I’m honest because it’s going to really complicate things. I think it’s best if we just leave it as it is and I just go.”

I stand up and I take my plate over to the sink. I’ve hardly eaten a thing because I feel so sick. I don’t think I can push anything between my lips without throwing up.

“So, you’re just going to go now because you think it’s the ‘smart thing to do’?” Oliver stands up and he moves nearer to me. “And you aren’t going to give me any more than that?”

I plant my hands on the kitchen counter and I sigh loudly. I’m bracing myself, trying to find the right way to say goodbye without inviting in a million more questions, but I don’t get a chance to. Oliver wraps his arms around my waist from behind and he buries his face into my neck in a way that definitely isn’t friendly. All my feelings burst to the surface, I can feel tingles racing right through my system, my heart thunders painfully against my rib cage, I don’t know what to do with myself.

“I… I…” My eyes fall closed, my head rolls to one side. This is too much, it’s absolutely overwhelming. “I don’t know what to say.” I gasp. “What do you want from me?”

His hands slightly trace up my sides and I shudder violently. I don’t know why but he’s trying to drive me crazy. Maybe he thinks that’s the best way to get the truth out of me, and I’m ashamed to say that he might be right. I can already feel my tongue really loosening up.

“I want you to tell me the truth,” he murmurs into my ear. “That’s all. Easy peasy.”

“I know you think so but it isn’t. I can’t tell you because it’ll make things weird.”

His mouth is so close to my neck, he might start kissing me at any moment. The pressure building up in my chest is so intense that I could explode. I almost want to lean into the kiss to get the sensation that I’m desperate for but I do what I can to stop myself. I’m supposed to be moving out today, I had the whole day all planned out, I don’t know where it’s gone so wrong.

“I’m going to be honest with you, Louise.” The way that he says my name is so seductive I could scream. “Things are already weird between us so I don’t see how you can make it worse.”

“I… I like you,” I mutter as my head lolls sideways. “I think I might even love you.”

He yanks away from me, leaving my body cold and alone. Just as I think I’m about to regret the words leaving my mouth he turns me and he stares at me deeply in the eyes.

“You are leaving because you love me?” He drags his eyes away from me and he paces up and down the room at a pace that’s weirdly quick. “You’re leaving… because you love me. You can’t stand being around me because you love me. You, Louise, you love me. So now you’re leaving here.”

“The more you say it, the crazier it sounds.” I let out a small sound that’s a little bit like a laugh. Sort of. “But it also isn’t going anywhere. Now that it’s out there, I might as well be honest.”

Oliver doesn’t say anything for the longest time. It’s uncomfortable how silent the room is, even my breathing feels really damn noisy. I can barely stand it. In the end, I feel compelled to leave the room to go and get my stuff. My bags are piled up on the bed where I left them earlier on. I knew as soon as I packed them that this moment wasn’t going to be easy, but I didn’t think it’d be this hard.

This is for the best, I tell my much too emotional brain. It’s hard now, but better in the long run. The sooner we separate from these confusing emotions the better.

The fact that Oliver hasn’t followed me into the bedroom speaks volumes. I pretty much laid my emotions on the line for him and he said nothing. Well, not nothing. He said an awful lot but none of it was positive. He didn’t say that he loved me too, that hasn’t escaped my notice. But maybe that’s better. I don’t think I want him to love me really, not for anything except my ego. It isn’t nice to know that my love isn’t requited, but in the long run that’ll make him so much easier to get over.

“Right.” I throw a backpack on my back and arrange the others in my hands. “Time to go.”

I try not to look around my amazing bedroom because I know how much I’m going to miss it. I’ve loved living here, it’s been the best few months of my life and not just because I’ve been close to Oliver the whole time but because the bed and the room is amazing too. It’s so comfortable and warm, so inviting and lovely. I know for a fact that I won’t get anything as nice ever again. Wherever I go next, it’ll be awful compared to this. It’s truly going to suck.

I move through Oliver’s home with my eyes fixed on the ground beneath me, refusing to look at anything. I’ve tried my hardest to desensitize myself but now I have a horrible feeling that whatever I see will change my mind. I really want to stay, but I can’t. I’ve slammed the final nail into that coffin for sure. There’s no way I can be here with my feelings out there. How embarrassing!

“Louise!” Oliver calls out to me just as I get to the front door. I want to be relieved but he still sounds all kinds of messed up. “Wait a minute. Come back here, you can’t leave like this!”

“I have to go.” There’s a crack in my voice, the deep emotion is shining through. “Like I said, it isn’t healthy and it’s not sensible either. I need to get myself set up. I have to work out what I’m going to do next. I can’t do that while I’m here with all these confusing emotions.”

I hear his footsteps racing through the house. He’s not letting me get out that easy. I pause and wait for him to come to me. I don’t know why but I can’t make that step outside until we have this one final show down. I do owe him, so I’ll talk, but he won’t change my mind, no matter what. This is what’s right, and I know that he’ll see that soon enough. Once I’m gone and Oliver’s had a moment to digest it all, he’ll understand why I had to go. I just hope that he doesn’t hate me after all of this, I still want him around, and I’m still very grateful to him. He’s been the best friend I could have asked for, it’s my fault these feelings developed and strengthened, not his.

Chapter Twenty Three – Oliver

My blood pumps boiling hot in my ears, my heart pounds so fast I can barely think straight, my brain churns rapidly, it’s foggy and desperate. I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m not sure how I’m feeling, the word ‘love’ bounces around through my body which confuses everything, but there’s one thing I’m certain of. I can’t let Louise leave now, if she walks out that door everything changes, and not for the better. I can’t have her, but I can’t lose her either. I think I might need her…

Teasing Louise at the sink, partly because I wanted to and partly because I thought it would help her to open up to me was a bad idea. It stirred up absolutely everything inside me.

As soon as my eyes spot her, I lose any rational thought. Standing in the doorway with her bags in her hands, her red hair messy and a deep sadness in her eyes, she looks more beautiful than I’ve ever seen her before. A feeling that’s a lot like love balls up in my mouth and I cannot control myself. I want her, and it doesn’t seem like anything is going to stop that. Not even sensible thinking.

“You can’t go,” I declare in a gushing tone of voice. “Please, Louise. Don’t leave.”

I don’t give her a chance to answer me, I’m too desperate. I grab onto her cheeks and pull her towards me with only one thought in mind. I need to kiss her, if I don’t connect her lips with mine then I might die. I can’t remember the last time that I actually kissed a woman, it’s the one thing I never do, but with Louise I need to. I’m like a drug addict and her lips are my fix. I absolutely have to have this.

The moment leading up to our kiss is intense, my eyes are open, I’m fixed entirely on her and during that time I can feel all the chances I have to pull away. I can stop this before things go too far, I know I can… but I don’t. I don’t want to, I need this to happen, and it doesn’t matter that Louise has just told me that she loves me and it’s all so very complicated. This will make things really messy, even worse than they were before but even that isn’t enough to stop me. That pales into insignificance.

Then, our lips connect and everything feels perfect with the world. My insides still, making me realize that they’ve always been up in the air and all over the place. I haven’t ever felt anything close to settled before… not until I met Louise. The world around us melts, it’s only me and her left, and I’m honestly absolutely fine with that. I don’t need anyone else but her. She’s everything to me.

My hands that are cupping Louise’s cheeks pull her closer to me. At first, she seems a little resistant and freaked out, but soon she can’t help herself either and she molds into me, dropping all of her bags to the ground with a loud thump. I think things scatter about, but neither of us part. She parts her lips, allowing me to deepen the kiss by slipping my tongue into her mouth. As I do, a small very sexy groan bursts from Louise’s lips which makes every inch of me heat up and melt. She’s wonderful, everything that I could ever want in my life and more, I’m so damn lucky it hurts. This lovely, amazing woman that is beyond perfect loves me, she really does. She actually said those words ‘I love you’.

Shit… she loves me. Like, actual love. All of a sudden that thought splashes ice cold water over me and I leap back. I shouldn’t be kissing someone who loves me when I can’t return the feeling, it just isn’t right. I mean, maybe I do return the feeling but that doesn’t change everything else. I’ve heard the words ‘sometimes love isn’t enough’ before but I never really knew what it meant. Well I know now and it’s horrible, the worst thing in the world. I want us to work, but we can’t.

“I… I’m sorry,” I mutter to Louise as I take a giant step back. I need my personal space back now. “That shouldn’t have happened, I’m really sorry about that. I don’t know what I was thinking…”

She nods and touches her lips, I’m sure she can feel the tingle still there just as I can. That truly was some kiss. Maybe I don’t have a lot to go on because I don’t do a lot of kissing, but I know how she made me feel then and it was wonderful. Too good, better than I deserve. As Louise’s cheeks flame bright pink all I want to do is wrap my arms around her to hold her close to me, but I can’t. Any physical contact is dangerous. I don’t think I can risk it, we can’t do that again.

“You’re right. That shouldn’t have happened,” Louise agrees with me. “I’m sorry, everything is all very confusing at the moment. That’s why I think I need to move out. I think we need to keep our distance from each other. Maybe if there wasn’t all this other stuff going on with my baby and things, we could think about it, but we can’t now. We need to just have a break.”

Why can’t we think about it? All of a sudden, I’m struck by the thought that we could make it work if we really wanted to. How hard would it be to try and have a relationship? I can do that, right?

But it wouldn’t be just me and Louise, would it? It would be a baby that doesn’t belong to me biologically which makes a massive difference. I don’t know if I have it in me to be a good father to a baby that’s mine, never mind someone else’s. I don’t know if I have the skills within me to be a good boyfriend, never mind step father. I mean this is heavy for anyone, taking a giant leap from screwing around and answering only to myself, to having a live in partner and changing diapers is intense.

“But I don’t want you to go,” I gasp. “I know that you’re right, I don’t think I’ll be any good at being with you. I can’t just have something causal with you because of how we both feel about one another.” That’s as close as we’ll get to me reciprocating the I love you today. I don’t know if my mouth can even form those words, especially not now. “But I don’t know if I can do serious either.”

The breaths falling out of Louise’s mouth are sharp and ragged, it’s as if she’s struggling to get any air into her lungs. That’s a feeling I recognize well. We probably both look insane to the outside world, panting, staring at each other, nothing but madness in our eyes. But what can we do? This is a very difficult situation, one that I’m sure neither of us want to be in.

“I understand,” Louise replies thickly. “It would be absolute madness to get involved with one another now. That’s exactly why I don’t want to feel this way, I just want to feel normal…”

“Oh but you can’t leave.” I can’t let her go and I don’t know why. “Can’t you just stay anyway and we try to figure things out?” She purses her lips, seemingly unmoved by my begging. “Where are you even going to go anyway? Do you have something planned?” I run my eyes all over her much too calm demeanor. Why isn’t she more freaked? “I guess you do since your bags are already packed…”

It hits me that this is why she wasn’t at work, she was planning to abandon me all day long. I’ve merrily been working away, thinking of her, turning down Kelly potentially at the expense of my own career and Louise has been packing up her belongings and preparing to uproot my life completely. Whatever her logical reasons for doing so, I have to admit that it hurts me a lot.

“I’m just going to head to a motel for a while so I can figure things out. Like I said I need to find a home for me and my baby boy now.” She cradles her stomach, proving what I already knew. “Ever since I saw that ultra sound picture I’ve known for certain that I can’t give my baby up for adoption. The more I keep trying to tell myself that it might be for the best for my child, my maternal instincts shut me down. I have no idea how I’m going to be a mom and a doctor, but I don’t have a choice in the matter. Life has dealt me this hand for a reason, I have to get on with it. And I can’t escape the fact that I need a home to do that. I can’t have him here or on the streets.”

“Just stay tonight,” I plead. “Don’t go to a motel, just stay while you figure it out.”

“I can’t.” Louise shakes her head determinedly. “It isn’t right, I can’t do it to both of us. You don’t want a relationship, never mind a baby, and I’m about to become a mom. Plus, we have all of these… feelings between us that don’t seem to be going anywhere. We can’t survive that.”

I slap my palm against my forehead in distress, I think I’m trying to knock some serious sense into my brain but nothing is coming. Nothing makes sense anymore, I don’t know what I feel, it’s all just crazy. The urge to forget about everything smart and to just kiss her again so I can get that warm, delicious feeling back is so powerful that I almost act upon in. Almost. It’s just fortunate that I manage to stop myself at the very last moment. Thank goodness, I have some self control.

“Could we try?” Shit, I can’t believe I just said that, what am I thinking?

“Try what?” Louise obvious asks. “Try, like me and you? Try like a casual thing or try for real? Because I don’t think you’re ready for real and to be honest I don’t know if I am either.” Uh oh, Louise is babbling, this isn’t good. “But we can’t do casual either because we’re basically living together and I’m pregnant. So I guess whatever the question is the answer has to be no. But not because I don’t want to, just because we can’t. We’re both adults who understand logic, so if we can’t do it, we can’t do it.” Her eyes flick up at me and instantly I want to scream. “You haven’t ever had a girlfriend before so you aren’t experienced in relationships, and I’m damn naïve too. We’re a disaster waiting to happen. This is for the best, it’s better for us to just… keep our distance, you know?”

I can sense that she isn’t going to stop talking any time soon, not unless I do something drastic which I do, again without even thinking about it. I kiss her hard and fast, letting all of my passion and emotions flow free through my lips. I throw everything into the kiss, including the hope that despite all the very accurate arguments that Louise just gave, we can somehow find a way to make it work. I know I’m not thinking straight because there’s still a baby in the picture, and a relationship that I won’t be able to handle, but the dream is strong inside me.

“Oh God, Louise,” I groan into her mouth, pressing my body into hers as the deep seated desire runs free. “You are just… oh fuck, you’re everything.”

Chapter Twenty Four – Louise

I cannot believe that after everything we’ve been through, all the things we’ve just discussed, me and Oliver are kissing like horny teenagers who are completely out of control. I can still hear all the valid points I’ve just made racing through my brain but then what am I supposed to do? Maybe he didn’t exactly say ‘I love you’, but Oliver just told me that I’m everything. Everything, no one has ever said anything like that to me before, it’s just too much. It makes me feel incredible.

“Come with me,” he begs desperately. “Drop your bags and come with me. Stay tonight.”

All the strength that I’ve built up all day long vanishes and I drop my things, obeying Oliver in what might be the dumbest decision of my whole life. He slips his fingers through mine and he tugs me away from the front door, making my escape absolutely impossible. I should be in my motel by now, stewing over my life choices and wondering where it all went wrong. I should be online, looking for somewhere suitable to live, there’s no way I should be doing this. So why am I?

Oliver takes me through his home, all the way to his bedroom. It’s a room I haven’t been in many times because I’ve been keeping my distance, but now there’s no escaping it. I’m in Oliver’s bedroom and there’s a chance, a big one, that something might happen. Everything is familiar, this whole house is a place I know well, yet somehow, it’s different too. It’s much more intense.

“Oh, Louise.” Oliver spins on his heels and he stares at me with an intense love in his eyes. It makes me shudder and swell with emotions. “I don’t know what to say to you, this is all…”

I don’t think I want him to say anymore so I push myself up onto my tiptoes to kiss him hard. Maybe this isn’t the smartest thing we could do, but we’re in for now. There’s no turning back. I should have learned by now that a moment of satisfaction leads to a life time of stress, but I need the satisfaction. With Oliver, the moment will be absolutely worth it, I just know it.

My mouth tingles and electricity pops all over my body as I kiss Oliver again. The way he kisses is fantastic, no wonder he’s managed to bag so many women, he’s just phenomenal.

“Maybe we can work it out,” I mumble into his mouth. “We’ll see, yeah?”

Oliver pushes me back towards his bed, answering me with his actions rather than his words, so when my calves hit the bed frame I fall back willingly. I tumble onto his expensive, Egyptian cotton sheets, and I writhe with excitement. A little squeal inadvertently falls out of my mouth. This moment has been a long time coming, it feels like me and Oliver have been dealing in foreplay for months so already I’m on fire. There’s a wet heat in my panties that’s desperate for some action.

“Will you come here?” I say playfully while wiggling my finger towards him. “Now, please.”

Oliver runs his fingers through his hair and gives me a cheeky smile. His eyes crinkle adorably, making my feelings for him deepen tenfold, he’s just so gorgeous. He’s the best looking man I’ve ever seen, never mind been with. And I already know that he’s good at everything sexual. This is going to be phenomenal I’m falling apart already. I might explode the second that he touches me.

Then he wraps his fingers around the hem of his tee shirt and he yanks it up over his head. My breath catches in my throat as I devour his incredible six pack with my starving hungry eyes. He has a body so sculpted that it belongs on the front of a fitness magazine rather than on the handsome doctor standing in front of me right now. He even has a sexy V shape which runs all the way into his underwear, making my mouth water with anticipation. I still don’t know what he has in his boxer shorts for me and I can’t wait to discover more. Many a night has been spent thinking about this moment…

Oliver silences my brain by climbing over the bed and hovering above me. He presses his forehead to mine and he stares into my eyes for a moment. It’s probably supposed to be a romantic moment but I can’t resist running my hand down his torso, I want to feel him everywhere.

“Oh God, Oliver,” I groan as his mouth moves onto my neck. His kisses cause strong goose bumps to pop up and down my arm. There’s something so wonderful about his mouth on me, I love it more than anything I’ve ever felt before. It’s really special. “Oh my God, that feels so good.”

His hands grip tightly onto my sides and the skin underneath my top is flushed and burning hot. My body feels like it’s actually on fire, and it’s all because of Oliver. I wonder if he can feel it.

I curl my fingers over the waistband of his trousers and gently stroke the top of his boxers. There’s a hardness there, I can sense it already. All I want to do is grip onto him, to act as wild and animalistic as I feel, but I also want this to be sweet and romantic. It’s hard to get the right balance.

“You are so beautiful,” Oliver gushes as he rips my tee shirt upwards, pulling it over my head. My hair scatters everywhere, it’s probably a real mess, but Oliver looks at me like I’m on the red carpet or something. His stare, like I’m absolutely stunning, makes me feel so much better about myself. I actually feel like a sexual goddess which is a sensation like no other. “So gorgeous.”

The last sexual memory I have, although it’s a little bit vague if I’m completely honest with myself, is Adam. Me and Oliver fooled around before, but he’s the last person I had sex with. Already that memory is gone, he’s evaporated into nothing and Oliver hasn’t even slid inside me yet. He was a boy, someone who knew nothing about how to please a woman, whereas Oliver is a God. He’s an expert and in the heat of this moment I fucking love him for it. He’s utterly incredible.

Once my tee shirt is gone, Oliver reaches behind my back and he unhooks my bra, freeing my breasts. My nipples stand to attention, demanding him to look at them which he instantly does. A pinkness stains his cheeks as he sees them and his head dips down immediately. He takes my left nipple in his mouth and he flicks his tongue everywhere sending millions of fiery sensations bursting through my body. I fist the sheets hard below me and roll my hips upwards, connecting with his thick, throbbing erection. It’s huge, it’s going to be absolutely amazing being with him, I can barely stand the wait. I need to connect now, I need him to fill me up, I’m about to scream.

Oliver traces a hand down my body, brushing over my hypersensitive hips as he goes. He moves down towards my leggings and he tugs them downwards a little. I wiggle my hips and kick to help him. I need them gone now, they’re just in the way. Me and Oliver have needed this for far too long, I can’t have anything standing in the way. Especially not material. I need it all gone.

“Hold on.” Oliver pushes back and he takes down his own trousers, giving me the opportunity to do the same. Then he stares into my eyes while he drags his underwear down, revealing his stunning rock hard erection to me. It makes me gasp, even that part of him looks fucking amazing. I need him inside me now. While he grabs a condom from his bedside cabinet, thankfully saving me the job of insisting on one which I would do after what happened before, I shuck my own underwear down which leaves us with no obstacles anymore. It’s just me and Oliver, completely naked, ready to go. My breaths are ragged, my heart is pounding, my core is pulsing desperately.

Oliver rolls back onto me and I hook my arms and legs around him fixing him to me. I can feel his cock teasing my entrance, he’s getting closer and closer, any minute now we’ll be connected in the best way possible. There won’t be any questions, nothing but hot, sweaty answers…

“Oh fuck,” I gasp as Oliver thrusts into me. He does so slowly, seductively, sweetly and it feels so good. I’ve always pictured him as someone who screws roughly, dangerously, but this is far more romantic than I was expecting and it’s actually really nice. “Fuck, that feels so good.”

He pulls back, almost dragging himself right the way out of me before he slams into me again. Fireworks explode everywhere, I feel utterly consumed with lust, in this moment all I care about his him. I use my legs which are wrapped around his butt to control the speed and pace of him sliding in and out of me, picking up the pace as my clit buzzes and my whole body vibrates.

In the end I can’t stand it anymore, I need even more control. Plus, I know that it’ll be more comfortable with my bump that way, I roll Oliver over, flipping him onto his back and I sit up on top of him. Oliver’s a man that’s always in control and I assume that must be sexually as well but that makes him handing it over to me making it all the more special. I place my hands on his chest and I begin to ride him. I angle myself so every single thrust hits the best spot which makes my head fall back with desire. My hair spills down my back, my eyes fall closed, and I thrust in the most incredible feeling way in the world. It’s unbelievable, he’s too damn much.

It hasn’t ever been like this before, it’s never felt this way, I can barely control myself. My heart thumps, my brain buzzes, every time I slam back down onto Oliver I’m driven further and further to the edge. Any minute now I’m going to tumble into the abyss of desire and I can’t wait…

“Oh fuck!” Oliver grunts, his eyes rolling into the back of his head. “Shit, Louise.”

The way that my name rolls off his tongue pushes me over the edge. The pressure explodes, the desire rolls through my body in power waves like a tsunami, shattering me into a million shards. Oliver pushes himself into a sitting position and he wraps his arms tightly around me to support me as I buck and collapse against him. He presses his mouth into mine, swallowing up my screams and building up a very intense bond. The love in my heart swells, I feel like I could yell it from the rooftops. Even if it isn’t reciprocated so intensely. It barely matters. I just love Oliver.

“Oh fuck.” Thankfully before I say anything that I’ll regret… well, more so than anything I’ve already said tonight, Oliver grunts as the pleasure grips tightly onto him. His thighs tense, his hands grip tighter onto me, and a sheen of sweat covers his body. I grip tightly onto his cheeks and press my lips back to his so I can give him the same feeling of connection that he gave to me.

I don’t know what’s going to happen next, I don’t think either of us do, but right now this moment is perfect. It really does feel like we could be in love, maybe. At least for this split second, so the rest of it doesn’t matter. We can just be us, before reality gets in the way and it’s messy again.

Chapter Twenty Five – Oliver

I twist onto my side and smile down at the vision of beauty lying next to me in my bed, just like I have done for most of the night. It’s hard to sleep when everything is changing for me in the best way possible. Louise is so wonderful, I honestly adore her. She looks so right in between my sheets, her eyes closed, an angelic look on her face, and her heavy breathing. I like it far too much, I’d like to maybe make it a permanent thing… oh God if only I could make it a permanent thing. I mean, can I? Could I give it a go? Could I actually forgo every single one of my fears to make this work? Louise is the only one I would be even willing to try for, which maybe says everything.

Louise is willing to take a chance on me. She knows everything about my past and she’s still willing to open up her heart to me and let me in. She told me that she loves me last night and she stayed with me despite her better judgement to leave. She even said that we’ll work things out… she’s willing to let me into her life and the baby’s life. Women don’t do that for anyone, especially someone like Louise, it means so much to me that she’d be willing to take a chance on a fuck up like me.

I owe her. It’s only right that I step up and I be a man. I really want to give it a try I’m just scared. Louise is open to me, she’s totally okay with me being so lame. I have to see what sort of man that I can be with her. For her, she’ll be new to parenthood too so maybe we can muddle through things together. I don’t want her to be alone and I don’t want to be alone either.

I push myself out of the bed softly and quietly, trying my best not to disturb Louise. She probably needs to sleep. The pregnancy is taking it out of her and last night was a bit of a wild one too. Phenomenal, the best night of my whole damn life, but wild. I need to let her sleep.

I pad out of the bedroom quietly and step into the bathroom. I think I already know the answer to what I want to do next, but the hot water will clear my head and make me certain. It’s been a real tug of war with my feelings ever since I first laid eyes on Louise. First there was the fact that I work with her and she’s much too young for me, then came all of the baby stuff, but my feelings never went away. I simply tried to push them down. They’ve only grown stronger. So strong that I might be willing to get into the most serious relationship of my whole damn life.

Once the water is hot enough I step under it and I enjoy the blissful feeling of the sprinkles of water dotting all over my body, relaxing my muscles. A fog clears from my brain as the water covers my face and still the answer in my brain is the same. I want to be with Louise so damn badly that I’m willing to try anything. I will turn my entire life upside down just to give it a go. The man who thought I was incapable of being in a relationship is long gone and now I feel so much better about myself.

Yep, I think determinedly with a smirk playing on my lips. I’m really going to do this.

I step out the water and wrap a towel around my waist with a giant smile on my face. I don’t even bother to get dressed, instead I head into the kitchen and I bring the oven to life. What better way can I tell Louise that I’m diving in with both feet and I’m willing to give it my all, than with a lovely cooked breakfast for her. She deserves it, she deserves it all. She really is amazing.

Am I humming? I suddenly realize that there’s an odd tune coming out of my mouth that sounds suspiciously like a hum. I don’t know if I’ve ever been so happy that I’ve hummed before, this truly is incredible. But then what I used to think was happiness clearly wasn’t. That was just me filling the gap, convincing myself that I was happy when I wasn’t.

I wonder what Mom would think if she could see me now. Would she be happy to see me ready to let this wonderful woman into my life or would she be mad about the baby? I never mentioned that part when I spoke to her on the phone so her excitement didn’t involve that bit of the story… but then again who the hell cares? I haven’t ever lived my life for her before, so why would I change?

I flip the pancakes onto a plate and quickly fry up the bacon to go with it. I make it really crispy, just as I now know she likes it, and I pop it on top. I grab the bottle of ketchup to carry into the room with me. Apparently before she was pregnant she never used tomato sauce, but now sometimes she needs it, and other times she can’t stand it. I can’t risk putting it on just in case.

I take the plates into the bedroom at just the right moment. Louise is just waking up, maybe the smell is disturbing her, and as she turns to look at me, the happiest, most serene expression that I’ve ever seen crosses her face. My heart skips a beat and again I’m overwhelmed by how lucky I am.

“Hey there, beautiful,” I say quietly. “How are you feeling this morning?”

“Is that food?” she asks while pushing herself into a sitting position. “You made me food? Are you serious? That’s so sweet.” She extends her hand out to take the plate happily. “Wow.”

I wonder if she’s avoiding the topic of how she is on purpose. Maybe she doesn’t want to talk about it because she’s afraid of the part that comes next. We have been very up and down understandably so, and she doesn’t know how I feel now. I can’t wait to tell her.

“Here, food first.” I perch on the end of the bed and take a bite of my own food, which is surprisingly delicious. “But now I think there’s some things we need to talk about. Last night was…”

“Yeah, okay.” Louise looks resigned as she nods. “It was a mistake. I get that. I know we shouldn’t have acted so wild and I’ll still move out, that was the plan anyway and it’s probably more important than ever that we get some separation, isn’t it? Certainly, if we’re going to continue working together…” She won’t meet my eyes, I think she’s very upset. “I will, erm, just get my stuff…”

“No, no, no.” I shake my head and hold out my hands to stop her. “No that isn’t what I want to say. Actually.” I can feel a heat rising up into my face as I speak. Am I embarrassed? I never get embarrassed! “Actually, what I wanted to say is that I would love to give us a go.”

“Us? What do you mean us?” She furrows her brows looking confused. “What are you saying?”

I take her hands in mine and stare into her eyes, I need her to really see how serious I am as I say this. “Louise, I’m saying that I want us to be in a relationship.” Those words are surprisingly freeing, they feel really nice. “I want to give us a go, I want us to be together.”

She gasps and snatched her hands from mine to clap them to her mouth. The color drains from her face before she turns a funny shade of red. I almost want to laugh, but I don’t know how I feel.

“You want us to be together?” she asks, clearly not getting it. “Like, for real? But what about my baby?” She clutches her hands to her stomach. “Like I told you, I’m keeping my baby.”

“No, I know. I understand that. That doesn’t change how I feel at all.”

She cocks her head curiously at me, looking at me a little but like I’m an alien from another planet. I understand that, I don’t think I’m behaving like myself either, but I don’t mind that. I like this new version of me, he’s a much better guy than I used to be. I want to be him forever.

“So, you’re willing to be in a relationship with me, and take on my child? Have you gone completely insane? Do you even know what you’re saying?” She pushes her plate away from her. “Maybe we do need some time out so we can really think things through. Space could be good, couldn’t it? Don’t you think?” Maybe I’ve been too quiet because she’s probing me. “Oliver?”

“I don’t want time apart.” I push my plate to one side too and I slide closer to her. “I have been dancing back and forth on this decision for months and nothing changes. I still want to be with you, despite the fact that I’m a commitment phobe. I still want to be yours despite the fact that you have another man’s baby growing inside of you, I just want to give it all a go. I just want to be yours and I want you to be mine. Can we try? Please? Seriously? I really do want this, and I think you might too.”

She pauses for a moment and watches me, clearly trying to work out how serious I am. I wait patiently, knowing that this is as huge a choice for her as much as it is me. Probably even more.

“Okay,” she finally says in a slightly gushing tone. “Okay, yes that sounds perfect. Let’s try.” I lean in to kiss her but before our lips connect she presses out a hand to hold it against my chest. “But I just want to lay out a ground rule.” I nod, willing to give her whatever the hell that she wants. “I want us both to be able to pull out of this at a moment’s notice if it gets too much. Our communication needs to be impeccable and if either of us feel like it’s getting overwhelming then we can just take a step back and be happy. I don’t want there to be any pressure on either of us. Do you agree?”

I nod, she’s so smart that of course I agree. She’s thought of everything which only makes me prouder to be with her. I can do this, with her and her awesome attitude, we both can.

“Yes, Louise, I promise I’ll tell you if it all gets too much for me. So, you’ll give me a chance?”

Finally, I lean in and I get my kiss. I press my lips into Louise’s which causes my heart to explode with bliss. This time it’s real, it isn’t doused in fear and confusion. We both know exactly where we stand with one another and it feels great. Maybe this won’t work, maybe it’ll all fall apart and we’ll both end up heart broken, but we need to try. I don’t think I’ll be able to keep on going with a whole bunch of ‘what if’ questions floating through my brain. I don’t want me and Louise to be an unanswered question anymore, I want to know exactly where we stand. This feels so great.

“So, what now?” I murmur against her mouth. “What do you want to do next?”

“I want you to get back into bed with me.” She pulls me back into bed with her, causing my towel to fall away and drop to the floor. “And I don’t want us to ever leave this place. Can’t we just forget about the rest of the world and just live here? Me and you.”

“Mmm, of course we can.” I love that idea, it sounds utterly wonderful. “That sounds freaking incredible, Louise Wilter, let’s just stay here forever. Me and you.”

Chapter Twenty Six – Louise

It feels strange sitting in a restaurant opposite Oliver with this new dynamics between us. In his home it’s one thing, but out in public I feel like there’s much more pressure on us. Maybe to the outside world it seems very normal and, why wouldn’t it? We might just be another normal couple out on a date night before our baby is born, with just a bit (okay, a lot) of an age difference, but we know different. I know that Oliver is old enough to potentially be my father and that his commitment phobia means that he hasn’t ever been in a relationship before, and he knows that I’m isolated, naïve, and pregnant by someone else. Maybe all of that spells disaster in the future, I just don’t know.

“Everything looks really nice on the menu, doesn’t it?” Oliver smiles, ever the gentleman.

“It really does. I don’t know what I want.” In reality I’ve barely looked at the food. I keep peering over the menu and looking at him, drinking in his gorgeous appearance. He’s far too handsome for me, yet he wants to be with me for some reason. It’s amazing. “What are you going to have?”

At that moment, the waiter comes over to take our order. Because I don’t know what I want I’m more than happy to let Oliver do it for me. He orders me some sort of chicken dish which sounds lovely. I dust down my navy blue dress and give him a coy smile as he speaks, loving the way that his lips move. He brought me this dress to give me something nice to wear and it feels awesome. I’ve never seen the point in buying designer clothes before, but now I totally see it.

“…and sparkling water for both of us please. Is that okay with you, Louise?”

I nod mutely, amazed at how much he doesn’t seem to mind not drinking. I know that he’s driving, but he doesn’t have to. We could just as easily grab a cab. It’s almost as if he wants to do it in solidarity with me. Like a genuine, real father. I can’t imagine the elusive ‘Adam’ – who I’m sure must be called something else because no one knows him at all – being this good. He’d have just run faster.

“Thank you for bringing me out,” I say quietly once we’re left alone again. “You were right. This is a really good idea and I’m glad you made me come out with you.”

“I know how tempting it is to lock ourselves away from the world and to just keep to ourselves,” Oliver replies with a grave, serious tone of voice. “But we don’t have anything to hide or be ashamed of. And if we’re really going to give it a go then we have to do it properly. I want the world to know about us. I want them all to realize that we’ve actually managed to find happiness.”

His words give me an intense feeling of hope. I’ll admit it, I’m not totally sure that we can keep this going to the end because there are a lot of ways this could all fall apart. I’m doing everything that I can to prepare myself for that inevitability, but at the same time Oliver hasn’t done anything to make me really doubt him. He’s being incredible with me, I feel so damn lucky to have him. Maybe, despite every single odd in the world being stacked against us, we might make this happen.

“Yeah me too.” I bite down coyly on my bottom lip and glance up at Oliver through my eyelashes. “When are we going to start telling people at work? Or is that a step too far? I don’t want to keep us a secret necessarily but at the same time I don’t want to get in trouble.”

Oliver’s face darkens. “I think it might be better if I go into a meeting and tell the HR department and the bosses. I want to explain it all properly and let them know that this is real. This isn’t just me screwing around and having a fling. There are real feelings here.”

I hate leaving control of my future in someone else’s hands but I think this might be for the best. I’m too hormonal to deal with judgmental stares which I’m sure I’ll end up getting. There’s no hiding my baby and I’ve already told everyone that it isn’t Oliver’s, so people are bound to talk. I cannot believe it, I’m the office slut. Who the hell would have ever thought that?

“Yeah maybe.” I purse out my lips, trying to consider this as logically as I can. “I’m sure you’re the best choice but you know that they’ll probably stop me shadowing you. I might be made to work with one of the other doctors. Maybe I’ll even get sent to another practice entirely.”

I don’t mind really, I can be adaptable if I need to, but I’m in the middle of a pregnancy and I don’t know if anyone else will want me. They’ll have to adapt to me with all kinds of health and safety regulations. At least with Oliver he does everything that I can’t for me. It’s easy.

“Oh yeah, I think you might be right.” Oliver drums his fingers along the table and he furrows his eyebrows while he thinks and plans out his next move. “Yeah, maybe we should wait until you leave for your maternity break. That way, plans can be made while you’re off anyway and you can also take a time out to plan what you want to do. You never know, you might change your mind.”

I cradle my stomach knowing that he’s right. My desire and drive to be a doctor is still there, burning amber underneath the surface, but it’s combined with an intense need to be a mother. All I want is to be there for my baby. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to leave him to be raised in the hands of someone else. I suppose that’s something that I’ll have to work out after the baby is born.

“Yeah, that’s probably for the best. Thank you, Oliver, it means a lot to have you here.”

Oliver reaches across the table and he takes my hands in his. He ends the super practical conversation – which I like because it shows me how serious he is about me – with a powerful loving look. It sends a powerful shiver right from the bottom of my spine to my shoulder. I know for a fact that I have fallen for this man way too quickly, overwhelmingly so but actually I don’t mind. I want to fall for him because he deserves it. He has been better to me than anyone who’s ever come before.

If only my mother could see me now, I think happily to myself. Maybe we weren’t always close but I think that’s because she wanted to protect me from everything that she was suffering, but I still miss her every day. I still wish I could share all my big moments with her, especially happy ones like this. Me and Oliver, solidifying what we’ve built up and finally just being together.

“We have a bigger problem than facing work anyway,” Oliver warns me. “You haven’t met my mother yet.” My heart jolts in my chest because he doesn’t ever talk about his own parents. I must have drawn this information out of him with the power of thought alone. “She’s going to go nuts when she meets you. All she wants is for me to settle down. She’ll be over the moon that you’ve tamed me.”

I can’t resist smirking to myself as he says that. I like the idea that I’m the one who’s tamed him. I wasn’t even trying to, I was trying to keep myself the hell away from me, but the magnetism between us kept pulling us both back in. No matter how hard we tried.

“What will she say about me having a baby?” I lean in and ask him. “Surely that will make her mad at me?” I shake my head rapidly from side to side. “No, this isn’t fair. I haven’t ever had to deal with meeting parents before. I don’t think this is the time for me to start, do you?”

Oliver laughs out a booming sound that comes deep from within his chest. His mirth does nothing to dull the intense butterflies flapping violently in my stomach. This has progressed to something much too rapidly and I don’t know if I can hack it. It’s just too damn much!

“Oh my goodness, my mother will not have anything bad to say about you, trust me! She’s going to love you so much.” He shakes his head and smiles. “You have no idea.”

I still don’t feel very confident, not like he does. His mother must be at least in her sixties considering her son is almost forty. What will she think about us? Will she think I’m a gold digger or something? I’m very aware that I might look that way, and it’s an assumption that I don’t like… but if this is important to Oliver then I’ll have to find a way to make her see that it isn’t my intention.

“Okay,” I breathe out a sigh. “If that’s what you want, then I’ll do it.”

Oliver squeezes my hands. “I will be there, you don’t have to worry about things so much. I’m not going anywhere, honestly.” I cock my head at him, hoping that’s the truth. “Trust me.”

At that moment, our food is brought to our table which leaves me without the option of answering Oliver about where my trust levels lie. It’s not that I don’t believe his words because I know that right now he means them, I’m just concerned that everything will change when the baby is here. Maybe it’ll all be too much for him then, going through all of that hardship for a child that isn’t his.

With our plates in front of us, we each dig in to the wonderful food that tastes as good as it smells and as we do I feel my heart soar. It’s easy, especially for someone like me who’s prone to worrying about absolutely everything, to get tied up in what may or may not happen in the future. For once I’m really trying my utmost to enjoy time with him and right now I’m here with him.

“You look truly beautiful tonight,” Oliver comments with a smile as he watches me.

It seems that he’s going through a similar emotional roller coaster as I am. “I feel really lucky to be here.”

My eyes well with shining happy tears, I’m the lucky one for sure. “Oliver!” I scold in a teasing, playful voice. “You fully well know that I’m an emotional, hormonal wreck at the moment. You can’t go saying nice things like that.”

An elderly woman walks past and smiles at me and Oliver with a knowing look in her eyes. “You two are a wonderful couple,” she exclaims in the way that only someone who’s been alive for a very long time will do. “I haven’t seen two people looking so happy for a very long time.”

“Oh we are!” Oliver exclaims without an ounce of shame. “We’re incredibly happy. But how could I not be with this gorgeous woman in front of me.”

“Oh I agree with you. You two really suit each other.”

I can see the love shining behind his gaze which balls a lump up in my throat. He looks like he might be falling just as hard for me as I am for him which is awesome. I don’t want unrequited love, especially not now. I just hope it’s strong enough to get us through the future… not that I’m worried too much about the future…

Chapter Twenty Seven – Oliver

“What is that noise coming out of your mouth?” Simon asks in a bemused sounding tone of voice from behind me. “Are you actually singing? And a love song at that. Oliver, what the hell…?”

I laugh loudly and roll my eyes while finishing idly stirring my coffee. “Alright, yeah, maybe I am singing. I don’t know.” I shrug and turn to face him with a grin. “Who cares?”

“I just don’t think I’ve ever seen you like this before.” He takes his seat and cocks his head to give me a curious look. “Something is going on and I want to know what. So, tell me. And before you start talking, just be warned that I think I already know so don’t lie to me, okay?”

I sit down next to him and let out a throaty laugh. “I wasn’t intending to lie to you.”

“Then why haven’t you told me already?” His cocked eyebrow suggests that he sees deep into me and he knows what’s going on. To be fair, he probably does. He knows me damn well and he’s also very observant. “I kept waiting for you to just tell me but since you haven’t I’m going to ask.”

I sigh loudly and nod. I have been trying to keep this to myself for all the really good reasons that Louise gave me, but Simon is different. I know he’ll keep it a secret, so it’ll be fine. “I only haven’t told you because I know that it’ll cause complications. It’s a little bit crazy, isn’t it?”

“You and Louise?” he replies without even an ounce of secrecy. Luckily there isn’t anyone else around. “Yeah, it is a bit crazy. I keep trying to work out what you’re doing. I mean, I know that she’s hot but after all the shit you got yourself in last time, is she really worth it?”

I nod vigorously. “Yes, she honestly is. This isn’t anything like the last time, I actually care about her.” I can feel myself getting moony eyed as I do. “I really like her, Simon. So much.”

“I have to ask you…” He leans in as if he’s afraid that someone might hear us. “Is the baby yours? I know that there’s some story about it belonging to an ex of hers, but it’s yours, right? It has to be yours. I mean, Oliver Foxx, playboy extraordinaire, would not be getting into a relationship if he didn’t have to. You can tell me if this is a ball and chain scenario, I won’t judge you.”

I roll my eyes and huff. Does he really think I’m like that? I suppose in the past I have been, but I’ve changed. I would think that my best friend would know that. “No, it isn’t like that. The baby really does belong to… an ex of hers.” It makes me cringe, but the lie is there to protect Louise’s reputation. “This isn’t anything to do with the baby. This is me and Louise.”

“Are you serious?” Simon rubs his hand through his hair giving me a very distressed look. “Have you thought this through at all? You can’t get into a complicated relationship with a woman who’s having another man’s baby. Do you even know how horrible that will be? How tiring?”

His words get caught in my chest and I can feel my lungs constricting. I suppose in all the romance of the situation has gotten the better of me and I haven’t really considered how it’s going to be afterwards. I’m going to be a step father, if me and Louise stay together. I won’t be the baby’s father but I’ll be the man in his life. I’ll be the one suffering through the sleepless nights and endless diaper changes. I suppose in an abstract way I’ve thought about it but now it’s really hitting me.

“I… I know,” I gasp, trying to keep my cool in the face of fear. “I know all of that.”

“Do you?” Simon pats me on the arm and gives me a sympathetic groan. “Because I’m not sure that you’re really thinking everything through. You aren’t just becoming a boyfriend – a word that you used to dread not that long ago – but you’ll be a father too. Can you be a daddy?”

Fucking hell, Daddy. I almost can’t breathe under the pressure that’s now resting on my chest. I need to get away from Simon before I really lose my shit. “Yeah, I just have to…” I stand up.

“Unless… is it love?” Simon grips onto my arm to stop me. “Are you in love with this girl?”

I know that it is, I’ve known it for a long time now but since I haven’t yet told Louise I don’t think it’s wise for me to tell Simon. I just give him a slightly desperate look and I turn on my heels to run from the canteen. I can barely breathe right now, which only proves to Simon that I’m not ready for this. Maybe he’s right or maybe he thinks I’m afraid of falling in love too. I think it’s everything.

I run through the hallway until I get into my office where I can finally be alone… only, I’m not alone. Louise is in here already, looking at me with nothing but shining love in her eyes.

“You back from coffee already?” she asks innocently, not knowing the emotional roller coaster that I’ve just been on. “Julia grabbed me a fruit smoothie which was awesome.”

I stare at her all wide eyed and in shock. I don’t know what’s going on in my brain at the moment, it’s everywhere all over the place, I think I might be falling apart. Those few words from Simon have ignited me and I don’t know what to do. It’s the idea of being a dad, I don’t know if I can do it or not. I want to be able to do it, but I don’t know how capable I am.

“Are you okay?” Louise asks me, taking one step closer to me. “You look… weird.”

I inhale deeply, breathing her in, and as I do the fog on my brain clears. I knew already that’s where all of this is headed. That’s what made me hesitate so much. When I dived in with both feet it was already decided that I would give it a go. That included being a father and it still does.

I don’t answer Louise, instead I step forward and I scoop her up in my arms. I no longer care that we’re at work, I just want to kiss her with absolutely everything that I’ve got. I press my lips into hers, probably stripping all the air from her body as I do. With Simon, everything did feel scary, but now that I’m with Louise it isn’t so frightening after all. I owe her the chance for me to give it my all.

“What are you doing?” She squeals, struggling to get away from me. “We can’t act like this.”

I don’t care anymore, the flame is deeply ignited within me, all I want to have her right here and now. Maybe it seems a little like it’s just a lust thing, but to me it isn’t. I want to hold her, to love her, to make love to her and it doesn’t matter that we’re in the office. We don’t have anyone in at the moment, so I know for a fact that we have time. I take Louise’s hand and tug her to my supply room.

“No one will see us in here,” I reassure her while taking her face in my hands. This time as I press my mouth to hers, Louise doesn’t resist. She molds into me and moans excitedly, loving this.

“Oh, Oliver,” she groans. “You have no idea what you’re doing to me right now.”

I press her back against the wall and I run my mouth all over her throat, kissing the parts of her that I know she enjoys. I flick my tongue, I lick all the sweet perspiration off her skin as I do. My hands run over his hips and grip her waist tight. Eventually I move my hand upright and I rub it over her swollen belly. No matter how scary it is for me, she’s doing something incredible, creating life. No matter what this means for me, for her it’s much more terrifying. I need to be here.

Eventually I slide my hand downwards and I dip it in to the waistband of her scrubs, feeling the edge of her cotton panties. A gasp of pleasure flies out of my mouth, she feels so good and the more that time passes the better she feels. Usually, the more time I spend with someone I grow bored with them, but with Louise I just want more and more. I dive my hand in and I feel her intense wet heat.

“Oh fucking hell. What I’m doing to you?” I grunt. “What about what you’re doing to me?”

I push my fingers needily into her, massaging her rapidly. Ragged, sharp breaths spill out of my mouth at a million miles an hour as I lose myself in the amazingness of her body. She’s a temple, a playground, and I want to explore every millimeter of her eventually. Luckily, if everything goes to plan I’ll have the rest of my life to do so. Or at the very least a long old time.

“I need you?” she gushes into my ear. “Oh, Oliver, I want you inside of me.”

I don’t need to be asked twice, I know how much she needs it, I can feel it so without pausing for even a second I spin her around so she can plant her hands up against the wall. Then I yank her trousers down and I pull my erection free. I have a condom to hand, which I roll down over myself and then I angle myself to plunge into her. She clamps tightly around me and throws her head back.

“That feels so good,” she moans lustfully. “Oh fucking hell.”

I thrust harder and faster, losing myself rapidly as I do. This is wild, we really shouldn’t be doing this, this is possibly the most taboo thing that I’ve ever done, but the wild thing is I don’t even care about it in this way, I just care about how much I really love this woman.

I bury my face into Louise’s neck as the pleasure gets too much for me and use one of my hands to reach around to her front to play with her clit. I trace over her, drawing patterns all over her until her thighs tense up and her walls clamp around me. Then I move faster, drawing the orgasm out for her, all the while thrusting so hard that it feels phenomenal for me as well. This passion, it’s unlike anything I’ve ever had before, and I hope it never ends. I want this to last forever.

“Oh shit, Oliver.” My names rolls off of Louise’s tongue maybe a little too loudly. “Fucking hell that feels… oh my God.” Clearly she can’t quite find the words to express how she feels. I understand that sentiment, I’m a bit like that myself. “It’s… it’s too much.”

A guttural yell flows from her lips which is music to my ears. I love the delicious sounds that she makes when the pleasure gets too much for her, it’s a sweet and musical sound.

I want to reply, I want to finally tell her those three magical words. She deserves to know that I love her. After all, she was brave enough to tell me that’s how she feels about me even if she’s only said it once, and I know I should tell her back, but for some reason this doesn’t feel like the right moment. I will just not yet…

Chapter Twenty Eight – Louise

“I don’t know if this is the right time,” I tell Oliver nervously while straightening out my top, an impossible task over my big round bulge. “This feels all kinds of wrong to me. Should we cancel?”

“No, no of course not.” Oliver shakes his head confidently, but actually he doesn’t look like he wants to go through with this either. “It has to be now. My parents aren’t here much, they’re always travelling the world so it kinda…” He trails off as he realizes that this probably isn’t his strongest argument. “Look, they are going to love you whatever. It’s all good. It really is fine.”

He wipes some sweat from his forehead and blows out a deep breath of air. The last few months together have been great. Maybe not all plain sailing, both of us have had our wobbles which sometimes leads to slight little rows, but all in all I couldn’t be happier. I’ve seen Oliver at best and worst, just as he has me, but at the same time I haven’t ever seen him like this. He truly is afraid.

“Okay.” I need to be cool for him, even if I don’t feel it myself. He needs me right now, and since he’s been there through everything for me, I don’t mind. “Okay, you’re right. This is going to be fine. I just need to keep my baby inside until your mom and dad are gone. No problem.”

It’s a massive problem since my due date was three days ago, but I plaster a fake smile on my face regardless. I get a deep twinge in my stomach but I grimace and do what I can to ignore it. It’s fine, just a little bit of pain, nothing to worry about. There’ll be plenty more where that came from.

“You’re right.” Oliver steps closer to me and he wraps his arms around me. He presses my head into his chest so I can hear his heart beating. It’s fast and frantic, yet it calms me down. “You’re right. As long as the baby doesn’t come, what can go wrong? It’s going to be fine.”

I part my lips, wanting to ask him what’ll happen if my baby does start coming, but I don’t get the chance to. A loud knock at the door proves to me that the nightmare has come to life. Oliver’s parents are here! I can’t believe I have to go through this right now, I really tried to make Oliver see that, but he wants this to be solid, he wants us to be real and a part of that involves getting to know his family. It’s hard for me because I’ve never really felt like part of a family unit, but maybe that’s something that I need to get used to. I’m going to be creating my own family soon.

“Right, let’s go.” Oliver gives me one last long, lingering look. “You ready?”

I barely give him a nod before he’s thundering towards the door leaving me with absolutely no choice but to follow him. I put the grin on my face and step out, not knowing what I’m about to head into. My stomach hurts a lot again but I ignore it all over again. This time I’m sure it’s just nerves.

The door slides open and I see an older couple who look a lot like Oliver. Instantly it’s obvious where he got all his looks from, his mother’s eyes and mouth, his father’s nose and cheek bones, he looks so much like them. Half of my brain wonders what my baby is going to look like and the other half wonders if I look like my own father. I only look a little bit like my mom so it’s possible…

“Hello there, dear.” Oliver’s mother steps forward and she extends a hand out to me. She looks really keen which relaxes and panics me all at once. All of a sudden, I’m acutely aware that I’m very young. I wonder if she’s looking at me like I’m a child. “It’s good to meet you. I’m Paula.”

“Oh, Paula, right.” I can feel my cheeks heating up with redness. “I’m Louise.”

“It’s very good to meet you, I’ve heard so much about you, but you’re even more beautiful than Oliver said. Then again, I think he was scared of me coming to meet you.” She glances back and smiles at Oliver’s unimpressed facial expression. “I don’t know if he’s told you that I’ve always been keen for him to find someone. I know he’ll be happy once he settles down, not that he listens to me.”

“Right, I see.” Yep, she’s intense. I don’t think I’m cut out for this. “He hasn’t said much about that. Mostly he’s just told me that you travel a lot. Where have you been recently?”

As Paula tells me all about somewhere she’s visited on the coast of Japan, I look over her shoulder at her husband. I wonder if he’s actually a quiet, laid back man or if he’s given up ever trying to get a word in edgeways. Maybe his wife has taken control so much that he can’t be bothered to try anymore. To be honest, if that’s the case then I really don’t blame him. I’d probably be the same.

“Wow, that all sounds lovely, Mom,” Oliver interrupts. “But shall we go and sit down?”

We all take the couch in the living room while Oliver goes to make us a selection of drinks for everyone. I sit opposite his parents, a seat I chose on purpose because I thought it would give me some separation but now I feel like I’m on trial. They’re both staring at me like I’m a mental person.

“So, how long have you and Oliver been together?” Paula asks in a much too breezy tone of voice while trying to look only at my face. “Like I said, he doesn’t tell me much.”

“Oh, I… I erm…” Shit, where the hell is Oliver? I can’t answer this right now. She wants to know about my baby and I’m scared shitless about answering her. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. Maybe that’s something me and Oliver should have talked about beforehand. How the hell did we get this far and not discuss it? I’m shocked and appalled. I was so freaked out about this meeting that I didn’t think about anything practical. “I erm… I don’t… I’m not quite sure of the…”

“Not that long, Mom.” Relief floods me as Oliver comes back into the room. “Only a few months, but it’s going really well.” He puts the tray of drinks on the table and flings his hands onto his hips while he gives he a knowing look. “But if you have a question, please ask it.”

She averts her eyes as a pinkness stains her cheeks. “I don’t have anything…”

“Mom,” Oliver laughs teasingly. “It’s fine. You can ask. Since you already know that Louise’s baby isn’t mine I’m surprised you didn’t ask, but you can.” He takes my hand and smiles down at me. “We don’t mind. We know this is a surprise to everyone, but we’re doing great.”

“Oh right.” Paula bristles and she straitens her back, still not quite meeting my eye. “I see, I wasn’t about to… I’m not judgmental, I know these things happen, I was just… I don’t know…”

I feel bad for her, she’s making me feel guilty and Oliver is only making it worse. “Paula, honestly it’s fine. I know this isn’t normal and it’s been a bit of a struggle for both of us. But we’re getting there. I hope you don’t think…” I don’t know how to word this. “This isn’t me…”

“Oh no.” She claps her hands to her mouth in shock as she seems to understand what I’m saying. “No, I wasn’t thinking that at all. I don’t think you’re a user or anything. Trust me, I know my son well. He wouldn’t let anyone use him. No, that isn’t what I’m thinking.” Again, she’s totally flustered. “I’m just hoping that you’ve considered everything practical in this arrangement.”

I want to reassure her, to let her know that we have discussed a lot of things, but before I get a chance to speak the pain bursts free in my stomach once more. Only this time it’s so painful that I can’t help grunting and lean forwards to grip onto myself. I scrunch up my face and bite down on my bottom lip to stop myself from screaming out. This is too damn painful. I think I might explode!

“Oh my goodness, are you okay?” Paula gushes. “Oliver, when is the baby due?”

No, no, no! I think desperately. This cannot be happening now. All Oliver said was don’t give birth and it seems that’s what I’m doing. How can I stop it? I need to carry on as normal.

“Three days ago,” I gasp through gritted teeth. “Oh God, it hurts so bad.”

“Oliver, you need to get Louise to the hospital, right now. Go and get the car…”

“No, no don’t,” I insist as the pain subsides slightly. “Don’t worry, it’s stopping now. I’m going to be fine. Don’t worry, it might just be a contraction. I don’t think it’s anything to worry about yet.”

Paula looms over me, gripping onto my shoulders so I can stare at her while she talks. I can tell that she needs to see me when she speaks. She has an expression on her face that’s much too calm for my liking. I feel like I’m about to freak the hell out and start screaming and yelling at top volume.

“Louise, you do need to get to a hospital, trust me. I know. Any minute now your waters will break.” My heart rate kicks up a notch, the panic is burning so hot it hurts. Or maybe that’s just the early stages of birth. “I know you probably feel like you have time, but it’s better to be safe.”

I try my hardest to push myself into a standing position, but the pain keeps me pinned down. “Oliver,” I cry out desperately. “Oliver, help me. I’m scared. I need your help.”

His strong hands grip onto me and he pulls me up into a standing position. I drag my eyes up to meet his which makes his eyes glaze over with emotion. “Louise, oh my God. Are you okay? You look afraid, is there anything I can do?” I shake my head, unsure of anything at this point. All I know is that everything is messy, hot, and scary. “Louise, this is… there’s something that I should have said before… I don’t know why I didn’t… I… I…”

“Oh for goodness sake, Oliver,” Paula interjects cuttingly, sounding furiously angry at her son for his indecisiveness. “We haven’t got time for this, Louise is giving birth. Whatever it is, just say it.”

“I love you,” he blurts out unexpectedly, shocking me to the absolutely core. “Louise, I can’t believe it’s taken this long, but I do. I love you so much. I just… yep, I love you.”

“Oh my God.” His words sink in, but they don’t enough for me to answer his wonderful comment that I’ve been waiting for a very long time. I want to respond but I can’t because I’m absolutely soaking. “I think my waters have broken,” I gasp. “It’s happening, right now.”

“You’re going to be fine,” Paula assures me as she takes control of the situation. I’m thankful because someone has to and it doesn’t look like it’s going to be me. “I promise you. We’ll make sure you’re looked after and everything is okay. Don’t you worry about anything…”

Everything that’s been happening over the last almost a year have been leading up to this moment. Now everything will change forever. I don’t know how I feel about it all, but I don’t have any more time to work it out. This baby is coming whether I like it or not…

Chapter Twenty Nine – Oliver

Thank God Mom is here, I think, shocking even myself. I didn’t think I would ever think that about my mother, but she’s been a life saver today. She made sure Louise was calm all the way to the hospital, she did whatever she could to get Louise a private room to give birth in, and she’s been helping with the baby ever since he was born just over an hour ago. Not even in an overbearing way, just in a way that really helps Louise get used to her new role. Of course, my father vanished and headed to a bar as soon as we got here, but that’s okay. This really isn’t his forte.

Right now, Mom has gone to find him to finally bring him back, giving us some time alone.

“So, have you decided on a name yet?” I ask Louise as I get another hold of her gorgeous baby. Every time I hold this little boy I get an intense rush of love like no other. It’s boundless, endless, like a bottomless pit.it doesn’t even matter that he isn’t biologically mine, he feels like mine. Looking at him, he feels like my own, he even looks a little bit like me with his dark hair and brown eyes. God I wish that he was mine, I would love to be his father. I don’t feel afraid anymore.

“I was thinking… Jenson.” Louise looks up at me from under her eyelashes, almost as if she wants my permission. I know it isn’t my place to give her any permission but it’s nice to feel included.

“I love it,” I insist with a bright smile. “I think it really suits him. Jenson.”

Jenson looks up at me with a sheer innocence and my heart flutters. All I want to do is wrap him up in my arms and love and protect him with everything that I’ve got. The sensation is intense and powerful, almost overwhelmingly so. It just reminds me that I want this boy to be mine even more.

“Louise, I have something that I want to discuss with you.” She’s still looking at me in the same way, and while I can tell that she’s exhausted, I know that this is something I need to say. I just hope that it goes in and is accepted as I need it to be. “I know that things have been up and down between us which isn’t ideal, but that’s only been the case on my end because I’ve been scared. I’ve been afraid that being in a relationship and taking on a child is something that I can’t do… but I hope that I’ve proven to you that I can. I hope that I’ve made you see that I’m reliable and I’ll be there for you no matter what.” I glance down at Jenson again. “And now that I’ve seen Jenson and I feel like I know him a little bit, I think this is something I can do too. I mean, the love I feel for him is absolutely off the scale, he’s incredible! I can already tell that he’ll be an awesome dude.”

Louise giggles as her eyes fill with what I hope are happy tears. She’s probably still very emotional and full of hormones, which I hope doesn’t affect her response when she hears me out.

“I don’t want you to answer me right away,” I tell her seriously. “This is something that I want to put out there and I want you to think about, okay?” She nods, but I don’t think she has any idea of what she’s agreeing to. “I want to do this properly, I really want to be a proper family.” I glance down at Jenson again. “I want to adopt baby Jenson so I can be his proper father.”

“Oh, my God” she gushes, almost silently. “Are you serious? That’s too much.”

“No, it isn’t. It’s what I want. I didn’t realize I wanted that until this very moment.” Maybe I’m being a little too honest, but it feels like the right thing to do. “But yes, I want to be his father, if you’ll let me. But,” I continue before she can jump in with her answer. “I really do want you to think over it. This isn’t a decision that can be made lightly. I want you to at least sleep on it.”

“I’m just so overwhelmed that you would even suggest it,” she replies with her eyes full of tears. “You really are something else, you know that? Most men are running away from responsibility and you’re taking it on even though it isn’t your responsibility. I’m just amazed by you.”

Once upon a time I was the man running, but she’s right. I’ve changed so much and it’s all because of her. In less than a year, I’ve changed completely and right before my fortieth birthday as well. If I’d known when I was celebrating my thirty ninth where my life would be headed, I don’t think I would have believed it. Meeting Louise has turned everything upside down. She’s the girl I wasn’t allowed to want, the one I was supposed to keep as a friend because it was the right thing to do. I definitely failed, but I don’t feel bad about it at all and when I finally reveal all at work, I’ll make sure that everyone knows just how proud I am to be her man.

“Well I’m amazed by you too,” I tell her with a crack of emotion in my voice. “You aren’t anything like the girl I first met. You’re so strong now, you should be proud of yourself. You’ve been through more than most people go through in their whole lives and look how high you’re holding your head. You’re incredible and I hope you know that.”

Luckily at that moment, before we both start weeping like babies, my mother and father come back to meet baby Jenson. Mom obviously takes charge and she scoops up Jenson into her arms, showering him with love and affection from the offset. Now I feel bad about my judgment of her. Maybe she wouldn’t be a grandparent from a distance after all, maybe this is what she needs to calm her down and give her purpose all over again. She reminds me of how selfish I’ve been.

“Good job, son,” Dad says quietly enough so that only I can hear him, as he claps me on the back proudly. “You’ve done a good thing here, being here for this wonderful young lady.”

“You like her?” I ask him, wanting to know his opinion. Especially because I know how controversial our relationship might be to other people. Having the support of the important people in my life is really all I care about so what my father thinks means a lot to me.

“I really like her a lot. She isn’t like any of the other women that I’ve seen you with, not that it’s been many, but I don’t imagine the women you’ve had flings with are like her.” I shake my head, as far as I can see no one is like Louise. “No, I thought not. Well that’s good. And I can tell by the way that she has you captured that she’s going to be around for a long old time.”

I nod, acting like a moony eyed teenager all over again. “Yep, I meant what I said, Dad, I really do love her, you know? I haven’t ever felt like this before.”

“Then you keep her.” He pats me on the back again, a gesture that I’m going to assume means that he loves me. “Don’t do anything to screw it up. She needs you to be strong.”

“Erm, Paula?” I turn to face Louise as she calls out to my mother in an uncertain tone of voice. She’s about to say something important, I can just tell and I want to know what it is. “I have something to discuss with you actually.” For the first time in as long as I can remember, my mom remains silent, only nodding her reply. “I don’t know if Oliver will want me to tell you this, but I’m going to anyway because I don’t think it’s a decision I can make alone.” My heart leaps up into my throat as I realize what she might just be about to say, it isn’t a secret exactly, but I didn’t think I’ll have to deal with the opinions of my parents already. What if they hate it and they tell me that I’m a dumb ass? I don’t want to have my idea thrown back in my face when it’s something that I really want. “Oliver wants to adopt Jenson so he can be his father. He tells me that this is what he wants, but since you’ll be grandparents I don’t think I should agree to this without involving you two.”

Mom and Dad look at each other, then me. Weirdly, there isn’t as much shock that as I was expecting. “Is this really what you want?” Mom asks in a warm tone.

I look at Jenson in Mom’s arms and think about the potential future forming in my mind as I do. I imagine me, Louise, and Jenson really becoming this wonderful family unit and living happily ever after. Maybe it’s naïve because I’m sure it’ll still be up and down, but with Louise I just know that everything will be worth it.

“Yes, Mom. It is what I want,” I tell her seriously. “I’ve been there from the beginning, I was there when Louise found out that she was pregnant.” I stifle a smirk at that memory, it’s a happy one now that things are much stronger between me and Louise. “I’ve been to practically all the doctor’s appointments, I was there for the birth… maybe I’m not biologically his father, but I’ve been there through it all. I’ve been more of a father to him than the biological one.”

“Right.” Mom nods slowly. “And is there any chance of the real father causing trouble?”

“Oh no,” Louise admits with a head shake. “Not a chance at all.” Her cheeks turn a funny shade of red, but she admits the truth regardless, knowing that it’s needed right now. “He wasn’t someone I knew very well… he was… a one night stand in a moment of madness.” I snap my head to Mom but she doesn’t look judgmental at all. She’s being surprisingly understanding which is wonderful to see. “I don’t think he even gave me his real name, and no one knows him. He’s just vanished. I tried to find him, to let him know, but he’s impossible to find.”

“Ah I see.” Mom looks happy at this news. “Well he sounds undeserving anyway, so maybe it’s a good thing that he’s nowhere to be found. Of course, the final decision lies with you, this is your child after all, but I would love it if Oliver adopted baby Jenson. It would be amazing to be his grandmother. He’s a stunning little boy and I already feel like we have a little bond, you know?”

“Yep,” Dad says quickly from behind me. “I would love it too.”

“Ooh, then we can babysit whenever you need us too. It’ll be wonderful!”

Louise’s face breaks out into a grin, she looks utterly over the moon. Whatever she wanted my parents to say, it seems they’ve given the right answers. “Then I say yes, Oliver. I want you to adopt Jenson and be his father. He deserves someone as amazing as you in his life.”

Even though she hasn’t taken some time to think about it and she certainly hasn’t slept on it, my heart swells with joy and happiness. I didn’t think I’d ever feel so happy to become a father, but I am. Me and Jenson will be bonded in a different way, through a legal document rather than blood, but I don’t think that will lessen our bond at all. For me, it might even make it that much stronger because it’s a life I chose. Either way, I can’t wait to get started with parenthood. It’s going to be amazing.

Epilogue – Louise

"Oh my goodness, that was insane,” I gasp as I slump into a chair finally after rushing around like an insane person all day long. “Who knew that a birthday party for a one year old could be so mad? I mean, that was utter chaos. And so loud, my ears are still ringing now. Thank goodness Jenson is in bed now, I thought he wasn’t ever going to sleep. He fought it to the bitter end.”

“Well you won’t make it easy for yourself, will you?” Oliver laughs while kissing me on the top of the head. “I told you we didn’t need to have such a massive affair, especially in your condition.”

He rubs my belly, touching child number two that I never thought I would have growing inside there. Me and Oliver didn’t exactly plan to extend our family, especially not so quickly, but it happened anyway because we were maybe a little careless and actually we’re really happy about it. Even more so since we learned the other day that we’re going to have a girl, completing the set. Already we’re making plans to move to a much bigger home away from any apartment block, and we’ve been discussing names. This pregnancy is wildly different to the last one, I’m enjoying it so much more because there hasn’t been anything like the same level of stress. This time, it isn’t complicated.

“Yeah well, next time I’ll listen to you,” I breathe out a sigh of exhaustion and relief. “And I won’t do anything. Parties are terrible anyway, I don’t know why anyone would want one.”

“Oh.” Oliver’s face turns a funny shade of pale. “Well that makes what I have to say next very awkward because it could involve a huge party. The biggest of your life?”

“Huh?” I give him a weary look, too tired to figure out his cryptic remark. Doesn’t he realize that I haven’t stopped all day long? “What on Earth are you on about, Oliver?”

He lifts himself off the chair and moves to stand in front of me. I continue to give him a strange look, wondering if he’s about to break out into some kind of dance or something, when he stuns me into silence by dropping to one knee on the floor in front of me, whipping all my air away.

“Louise Wilter,” He says in a bold tone. “I have something to ask you.”

Is this really happening? My brain whirs rapidly. Am I dreaming? What the hell is going on?

“Me and you have been through a whole lot together. We didn’t exactly get together in the most conventional way, and it hasn’t all been normal along the way.” I giggle at him, but it’s a nervous sound because I’m just so shocked by all of this. “But it’s been amazing, hasn’t it? It’s been awesome.”

“Yes,” I nod as the tears fill my eyes. “It’s been the best roller coaster ride of my whole life.”

“And now we’re about to go on another journey with baby number two.” He wipes some mick sweat from his forehead. “I don’t know why we thought this was a good idea, what were we thinking?”

“Yeah, I don’t know but I’m sure it’ll be fine, right?”

We share a laugh but this one is filled with the knowledge that this is headed somewhere huge. Me and Oliver have had some very monumental conversations in our life but we both know that this is going to be the most important one ever. This has to be headed towards us sealing things… right?

God, I hope I’m right. It’ll be so embarrassing if I’m wrong.

“So, before this baby is born, I think that we need to do something for me and you. We already know that we’re deeply in love and that this is going to last forever.” God that statement really makes my heart swell with heat and love. Every single time that Oliver tells me he loves me I feel amazing about myself, I love it. I adore hearing it, and luckily he says it all the time. “I want you to be my wife. I want you to make me the happiest man alive – no, I want you to continue making me the happiest man alive – and I want you to marry me. I promise that if you agree to be my wife I will do everything I can to make you as happy as you make me. I will be the best husband and father that I can be.”

I suck in a deep breath of air and allow one single tear to stream down my face. Oliver cements what he’s asking of me by bringing out a ring box which has the most beautiful princess cut diamond band inside of it. More than someone like me could ever hope for.

“Of course I will,” I reply with a thick emotional voice. “That sounds amazing. I would love to be your wife.”

With that, Oliver reached up and he scoops me up in his arms and he holds me close which is when all the tears start really falling. In all my lonely life, I never thought that I’d be the girl with the happy ever after, especially not so wonderful, and even when it started coming I thought that I’d screwed it all up more than once… but here I am, about to have the most incredible future either.

I’m the luckiest woman alive.