Chapter Eighteen: Sophia

I’ve been distant with Thomas. We’re living together same as before, but I’ve made it a point to be tired when he’s home from work and keep my distance. I don’t like to do it, but it’s something that I feel like I need to do. I’m protecting my heart and my ego a little bit.

I know he’s noticed the shift. He’s not pushing me into anything which I appreciate, but I can tell he’s sad. And that only makes my emotions worse. I don’t like seeing him that way, but what can I do? If I go into this thing with my whole heart after I’ve had a plan for what it would look like from the beginning then everything will just get thrown off. I don’t want to feel attached to him because we’re having a baby and then after the baby comes feel like that was the only reason we were together. That wouldn’t be any way to live.

If we do go out together somewhere I play the part for the insane number of cameras. I don’t know that I’ll ever get used to the people that are in our faces all the time. It’s not just the cameramen, it’s the fans too. Thomas has some haters. There’s a whole culture of women out there that side with Rosa after the break-up. They yell at him and call him terrible things and they all dress alike. It’s just a bizarre situation to deal with.

There are also tons of girls that love to throw themselves at him right in front of me. They have no shame at all and barely any clothing at all. I hold his hand and make a point to smile lovingly at him, but once we’re a good distance from the cameras I go back to the cold shoulder.

I can distract myself. That’s what I can do. So, I’ve been spending a lot of time with George because he broke up with his boyfriend and wanted to cry about it. I know it’s a cowardly thing of me to do, hide behind my friend’s breakup, but I’m kind of a chicken right now.

We go to coffee almost daily. I’m not sure how Thomas and George would get on. It’s possible they might love each other, George is certainly a fan. I’ve mentioned him a couple of times and asked if Thomas wants to meet him.

He’s said he’d love to and for some reason, I’ve still not invited him.

I know he can’t really be in love with me. I’ve read up on it. People feel close when they’ve created a life together. He’s just wrapped up in this whole baby thing. I know because I am too. I know it can’t happen, but it doesn’t stop me from daydreaming about it. I find myself thinking about this baby and what it would be like to have one with Thomas. Our baby. He would make an excellent father. I have no doubt about that, but I refuse to be with someone that doesn’t love me. I realized it before he told me he wanted to be with me.

I’m in love with him. I honestly think I have been for quite some time, but I just didn’t know how to acknowledge it. I tried to fight it. Hell, I’m still fighting it. I fight it because I know what’s going to happen. I can’t let myself fall. He won’t be around and I’m going to have a little one to take care of.

Thomas can’t just go from having sexy flings to settling down. It’s just not who he is. Maybe he was before Rosa ruined him for all women. People just don’t go from we’re just having fun to I want to be with you forever. Once he figures out I’m not really what he wants, it will be too late. We’ll already be knee deep in diapers screaming at each other with no sleep.

I want so badly to call Regina and talk this out. I just don’t want to sound like I’m ungrateful while she continues to struggle at the bar every day and night.

I’ve taken to coming to my mother’s house on the weekends and letting her cook for me. Let’s face it, who doesn’t want to go home again? I love when my momma cooks for me. So, when she offers, I jump at the chance.

She’s thrilled not only am I having a daughter but giving her middle name to her. June is my mother’s name and it’s what I’ve always wanted to name my little girl, but it’s special because it’s a part of her. It helps me pass something on that hopefully will continue.

“I’m happy you’re here so much, Hija Preciosa. I have to wonder though if your relationship is not suffering.”

My mother sits with me as I devour a plate of her tamales. Her long dark hair is braided and wrapped several times in a neat bun. She looks just like me but older. I hope I look as good as she does as I age. She’s also so wise to think about my relationship. Mother’s really do know best.

I chew thoughtfully, trying not to let my emotions show through, but my mother sees through me. She always has, really. It’s actually quite disturbing how she always seems to be able to read my thoughts.

I sigh heavily and think of what to say. “It’s just been hard. I think I’m feeling out of sorts and I don’t want to just pick fights with him, you know. I’m six months pregnant, I’m not feeling my best.”

My mother’s face lights with a warm smile. Tiny crow’s feet gather at the corners of her eyes but it does nothing but enhance her beauty.

“This is when a woman is most beautiful. You’re glowing and gorgeous. You should embrace it.” My mom pats my hand and goes to the fridge. “Orange juice?”

“No, Ginger Ale, please. My heartburn is so bad right now.” She nods knowingly and removes a bottle from the fridge.

“You always gave me heartburn,” she chuckles as she moves back over to where I’m sitting. She places the drink in front of me and I sip it. I feel a slight relief as the carbonation works its magic.

“I can’t pretend to know your relationship because I haven’t met him.” My mother takes this opportunity to give me a look that says for shame. I get the hint and flush.

“Yeah, sorry about that.”

She chuckles lightly and waves her hand. “However, you need to think of how he feels on his side. How is all this affecting him? You’re the one pregnant, but did you consider that he might be going through some things as well? If I were a gambling woman, I’d bet that this fellow has some conflicting emotions just like you do. You’re not the only one that is entitled to be confused.”

Oomph. Leave it to my mother to not pull any punches. I guess that’s where I get my spirit from. But still, she hit me right in the feels with that one. I want to balk and stomp my feet. I want to act like a petulant five-year-old saying me, me, me. It’s all about me, but I know she’s right. He probably is going through just as much emotionally without having to deal with the physical stuff.

“You’re right.” I sigh.

Guilt slams into my chest. I shouldn’t have treated him so callously. It wasn’t fair, nor was it right of me. We need to talk about his confession of love. And I most definitely need to apologize for my immediate dismissal. It wasn’t nice of me. I should have at least heard him out. Okay, now I’m feeling pretty shitty. Who am I to tell him his feelings? He’s been nothing but caring to me. Is it so hard for me to sit and listen to him? He’s doted on me and showered me with everything I’ve ever wanted. Maybe there’s something wrong with me.

I release a slow breath and nod. “You’re right. I have been kind of selfish.”

Momma gave me a feigned indignant look. “I never said no such thing,” she said with a little twinkle in her eyes.

I roll my eyes. “You know darn good and well what you did. We’ll talk when I go home, and I’ll let you know how it goes.”

My mother has been nothing but supportive. I thought she’d be angry and judgmental. It’s true what they say, becoming grandparents really changes a person. In Thomas’s mothers’ case that might not be true, but in people who aren’t used to having everything done for them.

Reaching for my phone I call a cab. I take a taxi to my mother’s house because it’s not too far away. I don’t want to drive by myself at this stage in my pregnancy. I’m always worried something is going to go wrong and I’ll be by myself. My mother walks me out the front door and as the cab pulls into the drive, she pulls me into an embrace.

“I’ll talk to you soon, momma,” I say, hugging her as if my very life depended on it. She squeezes me back and I walk down the steps and climb into the backseat.

A few minutes later, we pull up in front of the house I see a delivery truck unloading boxes and carrying them inside.

It’s afternoon on a Sunday so it’s strange they would be delivering today. After paying the driver, I walk up to our apartment surprised to see they are being delivered to us.

“Hi,” I say walking in to find Thomas buried in boxes and putting together a stroller.

“Hey,” he says not looking up until he notices the delivery guys are behind me. “Oh, the crib. Just bring that right over here please.”

“What’s going on?” I ask as I drop my keys and purse on the table.

“Well, Aurora needs a crib, and playpen, and so many things. We only have three months or so until she’s here. I need to talk to you.” Everything seems to tumble out of his mouth at once.

I’m overcome with emotion that he cares to get ready for the baby and scared that he immediately followed it with we need to talk.

“Come over here and sit down for me please.”

“Okay,” I walk on wobbly legs to the couch and sit waiting for him to join me.

“So, I know you’re scared to get into a real relationship with me. I think I know why. It’s the circumstances in which we met.” He grabs my hands and I turn my body towards him. I’m aware of how round my belly is getting.

“Thomas, I,” I start to say.

“No, don’t interrupt me. I’m seriously trying to get this out I practiced all day, okay?”

I just nod and listen. I find it incredibly cute that he actually practiced his speech. So, I listen intently.

“When we met it was purely sexual because I was guarded. The relationship with Rose really messed me up, but I’ve always cared about you. I know it seems like I was just out looking for sex, but the truth is you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen and now you’re carrying my baby. I want to make this work. I love you.”

He leans forward and kisses me softly. I don’t know what to say but of course, I start crying again. He loves me? Like really loves me? I don’t know what to say. Right now, the tears are falling like waterfalls and I can’t control my sobs.

“What are you thinking?” He asks softly. I know he wants me to say I love him too. I just can’t do it for some reason.

“How do we start over at this stage in our complicated relationship?”

“Just like that.” He says smiling. I can see the relief on his face I didn’t shut him down.

“Okay.” I’m not sure where to go with this conversation next.

“No, I mean it for real, we’ll just start over. Go on a first date, date each other like we’ve just met. It will be great.”

“That actually does sound great.” I smile and really feel at ease with him for the first time in months.

“Okay mama,” he says helping me to my feet. “We’ve got a crib to put together.”