I need to tell him the truth, I'm not honest, and the way that I reacted right now was pretty childish, but I can’t focus on him right now. I’m older, and I should be responsible and not let my feelings get in the way of the way I feel about Jason.

As I stand in the shower and the water beats against my body. I think about the way that Jason touched me earlier while we were in front of the pool. I’d been careless. Anyone could have come by the house and seen us, but the crazy thing is I didn’t care at the time. The only thing on my mind was Jason and being with him.

I’d asked him to rub the lotion over my body. I was desperate for his touch, the only person that touched my body was my own hands. I’d spent two days denying that I’d wanted him. A man that was the same age as my son. The one that I used to babysit from time-to-time. I'd bought the bikini hoping to get his attention. I’d let my hair hang down, something that I never used to do. Tom had told me that whenever my hair was down, I looked like a witch. He used to say horrible comments to me, and in a bid to try and win his heart, I would react to them. Not by arguing back, but by following his request. Clothes that he wanted me to wear. A look that he needed me to conform to. Nothing about our marriage was about me, but only about him. The type of wife that he wanted to parade around with whenever I was needed to turn up to a function at work, just so that no one would know his dirty secret.

I didn’t have to worry about that anymore because he was gone. The guilt of knowing that now he wasn’t alive I was free weighed heavily on my shoulders. Even in his death, he was making my life miserable. I close my eyes as the water takes away the scent and touch of Jason from my body. I panic as I realize that I don’t want it erased. Jason told me that he wanted me. I said in a bid to scare him away that I didn’t feel the same. I made him feel small, and I had no right to do that.

He may never want to speak to me again. I don’t blame him because I was pretty cruel to him. I realize that I don’t know how to behave in front of others. It’s as if Tom took everything away from me and I’m lost how to get it back.

I creep out of the shower and as I head into my bedroom and attempt to dry my hair, I decide against acting like a coward. I’m going to go next door and talk to Jason. He’s made me feel more alive than I have in years. I shouldn’t have treated him like that. Not at all.

I grab the shorts that I bought at the same time as the bikini only yesterday. Everything I bought was something that I knew Jason would like and Tom would disapprove off and I should feel guilty, but the more I think about my marriage… I close my eyes and think about the prison that I’ve lived in for the last eighteen years and the fact that I’m finally free and I need to embrace it with open arms.

I keep acting as if Tom has the keys and there’s no way that I can ever be free. He set me free the moment he died. I smile as I put on the vest with no bra and the shorts with no panties. I tie my hair up, and then I let it loose again around my shoulders.

Carla’s not at home.

Jason’s alone.

This time, I won’t be cruel to him. I’ll tell and show him that I was wrong and he’s not the only one that’s happy about crossing the line. I’m happy that we did it too. Right after I tell him that I’m sorry and that I shouldn’t have said the things that I said earlier.

Like a naughty school girl, I put on my sandals and leave my room. I have a spring in my step as I run down the stairs. I think about the way Jason handled my body, and the way he touched me made me feel like a woman. Something that I haven’t felt in such a long time.

I quickly grab my keys and then slam the door shut. I head next door wondering about the treatment that I’m about to see and wonder if my neighbors can see me right now? I shake my head at the thought of it. I don’t care if they do see me. The only person in my mind is Jason. I press the bell and wait for him to open the door. I stand for what feels like forever, but it could only be a few seconds as my heart beats out of control.

“I was worried that you wouldn’t open the door.” I smile at him, but he says nothing. He just stares at me with a blank look. I’m disappointed to see that he has on clothes. I know it’s crazy after what I did, but I wish that we could go back to how it was two days ago when he opened the door in his boxers.

I wish that he would slam the door and take me as he did by my pool.

I feel ashamed about my behavior and my dismissal about the way he feels about me. I shouldn’t have shut him down as I’d done earlier. It was wrong.

He moves to the side, and then I slip through the door. I take a deep breath and say, “Anytime that you want to come back to the pool then you’re more than welcome.”

He rolls his eyes and moves away from me. I stand there like a jilted bride. He goes to the living room and sits down. He has his books out, and I wonder if I should just go back home. This isn’t working so far.

He looks up as I tower him.

“Jennifer, if that’s the only reason you came around here, then I get the message and thanks for allowing me to use your pool,” he says it so sarcastically that I can’t help but sit next to him and tell him exactly what’s on my mind.

“Jason, what I said to you was wrong.”

He’s not looking at me, but flicking through his papers. Then he lifts a book and puts it on his lap and sinks into the leather sofa. He’s ignoring me. I get it. I deserve it.

“I have only had sex with one man. One time. No other time and I’m thirty-six-years-old. That one time resulted in conceiving Daniel.”

I take a deep breath and then no longer is Jason looking at the book or even ignoring me. He’s staring at me.

“This was the first time that I felt like a woman, and it scared me so much for so many reasons. Part of it is your age. The other is Daniel is your friend. Maybe if you didn’t know him then it would be so much easier. If I didn’t know Carla maybe there would be nothing wrong with this whole scenario. Tom only died recently, I feel as if I’m moving on and his grave hasn’t even turned cold yet. It’s just not right. Then again, if I’d known that Tom was gay when I married him then…” “You would have still married him?”

Jason puts the book on the table and waits for a response.

I shrug. “I don’t know. I’ve never thought about it like that. If I did, then I wouldn’t have had Daniel and I love him so very much,” I choke.

“In eighteen years of marriage, you’ve never had sex?”

I lift up one finger.

He nods. “Right. Only once.”

I sigh as I sink into the sofa. “So, is this right? I just don’t know, Jason. I just don’t know.”

Jason doesn’t say anything, but sinks back into the sofa with me. But I know that he’s not as hostile as he was when he opened the door because he takes my hand and kisses the back of it. I look across, and he’s not looking at me as if he’s lost in his thoughts.