“Hey, Jenny,” Carla says as she comes through the back door.

I’m outside in the pool, trying to stop myself from being indoors. If I’m inside then I’ll keep masturbating, and I need to stop constantly touching myself thinking about my son’s best friend. I’m trying to relax, and I was wondering if Jason had passed on my message about coming to see her two days ago.

“Jason told me that you came to see me,” Carla says, answering my unspoken question. “Sorry, but the last couple of days at the hospital have been crazy. I haven’t had the chance to come around or even spend any time with Jason.”

I nod, all of a sudden thinking that Jason probably loved it and invited Bethany to come over. He hasn’t even attempted to try and come over since he got me hot and bothered and sent me on a masturbation cruise. I never had desires like this when I was married to Tom.

“Hey, did I say something wrong?” she quizzes as she sits on the edge of the pool.

“Sorry, I was just distracted. I came round to talk about…You know. I suppose maybe I’m just feeling lonely. Or down. Or maybe a bit of both?”

I shrug as I try and figure out what’s going on inside my head. I realize that I wanted to talk to her about it, but the more I think about it, I can’t figure out what’s going on inside my head let alone talk to her about it. I don’t know myself what to do.

“Okay, take it easy. I have about twenty minutes until I need to get back to the hospital. I’m all yours until then!”

She moves her shades above her head as if to give me her undivided attention as she crosses her legs and sits on the tiles.

I shake my head. “No. Let me get out. You’re sitting in the sun. Besides I wanted a bit of a tan, not to completely roast my body.”

She laughs as I get out.

“Jennifer, you’re so lucky. You’ve everything in the right place, and we’ve both had one child.”

“Yes, but I’m a good few years younger than you.”

She sighs. “I suppose that’s the beauty of having your kids early. You still get to be young and enjoy life.”

As I wrap my towel around me. I laugh, “Yesterday I felt like a naughty school girl just buying this bikini. I’ve always gone for one piece swimsuits.”

“Oh no, but you have a lovely figure, Jenny, why would you do that?”

She’s the only one that calls me Jenny. It makes me feel as if she’s a true friend. The only one that I have near home, then again even out away from home I don’t have any.

“Because I had a husband that never wanted to touch me and I just thought that I disgusted him or something…that’s why.” She whispers as she looks around as if anyone can hear her, “You mean up until they found the body you never knew that he was gay?”

I sigh as my mind flashes back to the first time I knew that something was up with our marriage and we both sit down under the umbrella. Without the sun beating on us and in the shade I felt more relaxed to talk about exactly how I felt about Tom.

“I caught him once. I can’t believe that I’m saying it out loud. I told myself that if I ever did then it would be true and I didn’t want it to be true.”

She’s looking at me eagerly to get to the point. I know that I’m talking in riddles, but it’s one of many things that I don’t like to talk about. Especially now that Tom’s dead, it almost feels as if I’m speaking badly about him, because I know that he’s not around to defend himself.

“I went grocery shopping one day and came home, and I saw him looking at gay porn. But it started before then. I knew. Or at least had a feeling, but for some crazy reason, until I saw the porn, I never wanted to admit to myself that there was something wrong with our marriage. I always thought that it was just me.”

She smiles and takes my hand.

“You’re too beautiful to feel that way about yourself. I wish that I didn’t have to work and then we could go out. Maybe getting out there and feeling like a woman again.”

I laugh. “Our marriage was arranged. I married Tom because our parents thought that we would be a good match. The only time we’d had sex was on our honeymoon. That’s why we only had one kid. Daniel.”

She tilts her head to the side. “And you never knew he was gay until you saw the porn?”

I confess, “I knew. I just didn’t want to admit it, and like everything in my life, I just swept it under the carpet.”

“What do you mean?”

I say, “Well, I thought that I was staying with Tom because he was a good dad and I didn’t want Daniel growing up without a dad.”

Shoot! I think about Carla being a single mom, and I don’t want her to think that I’m insulting her. Before I get a chance to speak, she says, “I know what you mean. It’s really hard work.”

“Anyway, it was only after Tom died and I started clearing out his things that I started looking at his photos. You know the ones that he kept on his phone. In his wallet and even some that he kept in the study and you know what I discovered?”

She moves closer to me as curiosity gets the better of her.

“That they were of him and sometimes of his friends. But none of them were of me. I expected that, but none were of him and Daniel. Not one.”

“Oh.”

I tell her what’s been going through my mind. The real reason that I’ve been feeling restless.

“I could deal with him being into men and put up with this marriage because I thought that he was a good dad. Seeing the reality of the situation hit me. I saw that he wasn’t a good dad. I just stayed in this marriage for my selfish reasons. To have a home. Not to be alone, but in reality, I was just unhappy.”

Her eyes dart to her phone, I know that she probably has to go to work.

“Damn! I need to go, and there’s so much more to say. Look one night, I’ll try and get one night off, or I can send Jason to keep you company,” she says as she wraps her arms around me trying to give me a friendly hug.

“No. I’m fine. I’m just here thinking too much. That’s what happens with an idle mind.”

She nods her head, but then hesitates probably confused about my reaction when she suggested Jason comes over.

That’s when I hear his voice.

“Did I hear someone mention my name?” Jason comes round the back. Did he see Carla come behind there or something? The guy just doesn’t seem to be able to take no for an answer. I’m friends with his mother. He’s friends with my son. He needs to keep away. And he’s wearing some briefs that are leaving nothing to the imagination about the muscles that I’ve already seen are underneath.

“No. Your mom was just leaving.”

Carla darts me a look. “Sorry, I thought that you could do with company. Jason, maybe you should come back another time when Daniel’s home.”

I shake my head thinking that I'm selfish. Maybe I'm too hasty, and I’ve obviously made Carla feel uncomfortable with my outbursts.

“I'm just silly. It’s not an issue. Maybe you’re right, and I do need the company.”

Jason kisses Carla on the cheek. “Mom, don't worry, I’ll be a perfect gentleman.”

His mom smiles at me, but then waves a finger at him. A warning. Something that I would do with Daniel. Something to say that he should behave. I give her a reassuring smile as Jason comes near me. He’s so damn close as that he doesn’t even wait to check to see if Carla’s gone. Instead, he growls as I stand and hold my towel so damn tight that I’m nearly sweating.

“Are you going to sit there and hug your towel all afternoon or are you going to join me in the pool?”

He doesn't wait for a response before he jumps into the pool. I wish that I could go inside and get one of the many swimsuits that I used to wear when I was married to Tom. I’d bought the bikini because of the way that Jason made me feel that day. Or maybe subconsciously, I’d bought it because I wanted him to see me in it?