Sleep gripped me, lulling my eyes shut when I heard the first ping against my window. I’d gone from almost asleep to fully awake in the span of a split second, knowing it was Nash. I didn’t need any other indication than the small pebble hitting my window. Jumping from the bed, I rushed down to the front door, skirting around all the stairs that creaked or spots on the floor that groaned with any weight. I carefully opened the door and pulled Nash in, not wanting to speak. Something about us sneaking around in the cover of night was exhilarating. These moments, stolen and quiet, were ours.

And tonight was our last night. Tomorrow was the concert, and he was leaving. Leaving. He’d been busy all day typing up loose ends for the tour. After last night, all I’d wanted to do was be with him and explore more of his body, but I couldn’t. Because he had responsibilities, obligations. I felt the distance growing between us, and with it, my insecurities and doubts. He was so busy we could hardly talk at all, let alone spend time together. In fact, until he’d woken me up, I hadn’t thought I’d see him until after the concert tomorrow. It left an aching emptiness in my gut. Maybe I wasn’t enough to keep him interested, maybe the reality of being together wasn’t what he really wanted.

I pushed all those thoughts away, only wanting to focus on the fact that he was here and now. Back in my room, I flicked the lock and stood there, staring at him. He was in dark jeans and a black shirt with his usual combat boots. His hair was disheveled. He smiled at me, the left side quirking up slightly higher, his dimple prominent. The moonlight highlighted the shadow of it and made it more noticeable.

I closed the distance between us, conscious of every step, until I was in front of him, looking up at him. He smiled down at me, his baby dimple still present. I pressed up on my toes and kissed it, feeling it against my lips, before parting them and flicking my tongue across it. He groaned painfully and threw his head back, his hand racing through his hair.

“I never know what to expect from you, and it’s torture.” His voice was strangled.

I slid my body against him, wrapping my arms around him and resting my head against his chest. “I don’t mean to torture you.” Though I relished in the feeling. I loved knowing I drove him as crazy as he drove me. I wanted him wild and full of lust and want and love.

“Yes, you do. Which is what makes it even worse… Or better. I don’t even know.” He was a statue, not moving his arms to put them around me or lowering his face to mine. I smiled a secret smile just for me. It was thrilling, knowing I could unnerve him. He’d kissed girls before and, I was sure, slept with girls before, but I hadn’t had him like this. He seemed to unravel before me, waiting for my touch. I wondered if the other girls got to see him this way or if it was just for me. I hoped it was just for me, but I couldn’t chance asking. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to talk much today. We were crazy busy. I hated not being here with you, especially after last night.” He held my face in his hands.

“I don’t want to focus on that.” I pushed up on my toes. “Kiss me,” I whispered. In a second, his lips were on mine, and his hands were under my shirt. His palms grazed over the pastures of my body, feeling and teasing. My body tingled everywhere, and heat blossomed low in my belly, making me rub against him.

We stood in the middle of my room, his hands rustling under clothes and my hands weaving through his hair for long seconds. When we pulled away, we were both kiss drunk with swollen lips. I grabbed his hand and pulled him to the bed with me, crawling on top. As soon as I was on my hands and knees, he smacked my butt, sending a thrilling jolt throughout my body and making me clench. A moan escaped from my throat.

“Bee,” he groaned. His body became stone again as he looked at the ceiling. “You can’t do that. You can’t make those noises and expect me to remain even slightly respectful.” He dragged a hand over his face. “I should leave. This is a bad idea.”

“No, stay.” I grabbed his hand and pulled him down with me. He followed almost reluctantly. He pulled his combat boots off and put them next to the bed before lying next to me. It wasn’t really next to me since he left as much space between us as my twin bed would allow. I went to him, winding my limbs around him and finding his lips in the dark. I coaxed him out of his reservations with my lips. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know what you want me to do. I don’t know what I want you to do. I don’t even know what I’m doing here right now.” His voice was so strangled and so full of pain. I wanted to ease it for him. My hand found the button of his jeans and undid it. His hand flew to my hand, stilling it. “I just needed to be with you. I couldn’t leave tomorrow without holding you one last night.”

“I want more, Nash. I want more of you while you’re here, in front of me. I want to be able to touch you and kiss you as much as I want before you’re all over the country and I won’t have the ability to be with you like this.” I sounded so sure of myself that it impressed me. I was sure, I was sure I wanted this with him right now, but that didn’t erase the nervousness I felt. If he wanted to have sex tonight, I wouldn’t stop it. I would probably push it toward that way because it was true, I wanted him. I wanted him at this moment when everything was silent, and the ticking of the clock wasn’t hammering in my skull. I wanted to steal these moments and have them to look back on forever. I wanted to make him feel good, and I wanted him to make me feel good.

I wanted Nash James to be my first.

“I don’t want to pressure you.” He kept his hands to himself, and they balled into fists repeatedly.

“Who do you really think is pressuring who here? I’m practically begging.” I popped up on an elbow, looking down at him. His face was in shadows since my window was behind him, but my eyes were adjusted to the dark. His face was contorted in pain and uncertainty. A thought robbed me of my confidence. “Unless…unless you don’t want to be here? You don’t want me to touch you?”

“God, Bee,” he exhaled. “I want nothing more than that. I don’t want you to have any regrets. I never want to do something that you’ll look back on and wish you’d never done.”

“How can I regret anything with you, besides not having enough time?” I ran my fingers over his face and over his jaw until my hand rested against his neck. “I could never ever regret you.”

He studied me for a long moment. Without saying anything, he moved closer and kissed me, long and slow and seductively. My body became putty in his hands. I lost myself in the rhythm we were making. Kiss. Kiss. Sweep the tongue over a lip. Pull a shirt off. Unbutton and take off his jeans. Kiss. Kiss. Touch. Before long, he was down to his boxer briefs, and I was down to nothing but my underwear. They were pale purple with little white polka dots on them.

Our fingers and lips touched and tasted, teased, and tantalized. He’d touch me somewhere, and I’d giggle lightly, knowing my parents were in their room and we couldn’t be too loud. Otherwise, we were in a cocoon of warmth and sensation and love. It felt right, laying myself bare emotionally and physically. If there was anyone in the world that I wanted this with, it was Nash. It’d always been him, and it should be him.

“Please, Nash.” I was back to begging, but I didn’t care. I didn’t even know what I was begging for, other than more.

“We shouldn’t.” He moved his hips again in a direct contradiction to the words he was saying. “Hold on. I need to think. I need to… I just need to catch up with myself a bit here.”

“Please,” I begged again.

“A condom. If we’re going to do this, we need a condom.” He was panting, and his face was scrunched in concentration.

“Don’t you have one?” I asked. Surely, he kept a supply on him in case an opportunity arose. And one had most definitely arisen right now.

“No. I’ve never needed one.”

A bucket of ice water was doused over my body, freezing me in place. “You’ve never used one?” Did he mean he’s only had unprotected sex? He couldn’t mean that he’d never had sex at all, right?

“I’ve never done this before.”

His words heated the blood coursing through my veins. There was something so enticing about owning this part of him, this part that no one else had ever shared. No matter what, it would be me. “I haven’t either.”

He looked down at me and lifted an eyebrow. “I figured you hadn’t.”

“What makes you assume I’m a virgin?” My voice was haughty, slightly offended.

“You’ve never shown interest in anyone other than me.” He pecked me on the lips. “Just like I haven’t been interested in sharing this with anyone but you.”

Once again, he melted me. And at that moment, realization dawned on me. “Oh! My book bag! I need my book bag!” I pushed him off me and rushed to my desk, unzipping my bag and rifling through it.

“I don’t think now is the time to study,” he muttered sarcastically.

When I found what I was looking for, I held it up between two fingers with a triumphant smile on my face. “Health class. She gives out free condoms during sex ed.”

His grin was so seductive, so devastating that it made my knees weak. “Get back over here.”

So, I did. We went back to kissing and touching, though he lost the last stitch of his clothing. Through laughter and slight teasing, he was able to roll the condom on.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked when he was braced over me. His eyes were full of so much care and concern that I sighed, cupping his cheek with my hand. I wanted to remember the look on his face, the way he looked at me like I was the most important person in the world to him. Because he was to me. I loved him so much my body physically ached for him.

“Absolutely.”

“I’ve heard it hurts for the girls. I don’t know how to make it so it doesn’t.” He chewed on his lip, looking down where our bodies were almost joined.

“Hey.” I reached out and touched his face, turning his attention back to my face. “We’ll figure it out. Together. Whatever happens, I want this, and you want this. We want this together.” I smiled, nerves and excitement making my lip wobble slightly. “I love you. No matter what.”

“I love you.”

And with that, he pressed into me. The pain was there, the discomfort, and stretching. I winced as he chanted words of encouragement, love, and ecstasy. His movements weren’t graceful or particularly pleasing, but there was something undeniably right about it. The way his face moved and the moonlight splashed across his features. The way he spoke and felt. I felt whole and broken apart at the same time. I felt too full and filled just right. My body and mind a mess of contradictions, caught somewhere between pain and beauty.

With every movement or utterance, he burrowed his way farther into my heart. My soul fused more and more with his. I didn’t know where he ended and I began, and I wanted to stay fused together forever. I felt so full of love that my whole body trembled with it. Tears leaked from the corners of my eyes. Part of me knew this was too good too last. I loved him too much, he was too important to me. How could a love like this burn so brightly and not extinguish itself?

After, we kissed for a while longer, then he slipped from my bed and slid on his pants, leaving off his underwear. He snuck out of my room and grabbed a warm washcloth, pressing it softly between my legs. I loved him so much at this moment, for always thinking about me and taking care of me.

We didn’t sleep much that night. Instead we talked and kissed. We touched, though it wasn’t anything sexual. I was too sore to even think about it. But, again, it was everything I’d ever wanted.