After we saw the reception venue, Viv and I went back to the hotel. She was still on California time, so she wanted a nap. Anytime she traveled, she had trouble sleeping. She’d be up late and want to sleep into the day more. As soon as we got back to the hotel room, she curled up in bed and slept. I grabbed a bottle of beer I stashed in the mini fridge and went out onto the balcony that overlooked the city.

In a strange way, I felt like I was home for the first time in years. The muggy air and cloudy skies were a balm to my soul. If I was perfectly honest with myself, being near Bianca was a homecoming of sorts. Seeing her again after all this time was the worst kind of aching I’d ever experienced. I thought I’d locked away everything with her, but it was there. This entire city was littered with memories and pieces of her, of me, of us.

As we drove back from the Scarlet Inn, we passed the first official place Bianca had ever booked us a gig. I’d also seen the Primanti’s that the four of us had gone to before Felix and I left on tour. There was the hillside Bianca and I had watched that movie under the stars. Sometimes I found myself driving out of my way to pass a place to poke at the memories, to feel the ache it brought. It was a weird sort of masochism that I didn’t want to change. I liked the pain. It reminded me that, once upon a time, Bianca had been mine. She wasn’t mine anymore. And like everything else, it hurt.

Letting her go had been one of the hardest things I’d ever had to do. Throwing myself into the band, the tour, and work had been my saving grace. There were long stretches of time when I had to have my phone turned off all the time because the urge to reach out to her, to make sure she was okay, was overpowering. I wanted to comfort her even though I was the cause of the pain.

I saw how closed off she was now. I used to be able to look at her and know what she was feeling. Bianca’s eyes were a window to her heart. If she was feeling sad, hurt, happy, or nervous, all I’d have to do was glance at her beautiful irises, and I’d know. That wasn’t the case anymore. She was closed off, her eyes only occasionally betraying her. I saw the hurt in them for a split second when Viv touched me. When I wrapped my arm around Viv, I saw her flinch and I was glad. I wanted her to still be affected by me. I wanted her to care, so I found myself poking her verbally, trying my hardest to get a rise out of her.

If I could get a rise out of her, she wasn’t indifferent to me. It gave me hope, though I didn’t know what I was hoping for. Was I hoping she’d still love me? Was I hoping for friendship? The more I thought of those questions, the more confused I got.

I felt myself being pulled in two, between what I felt for Viv and what I felt for Bianca. It was clear Bianca didn’t need me in her life, and I’d only make her life more complicated. She was happy, working a job she clearly excelled at and was thriving. If I came back into her life, would I throw all that into turmoil? I wouldn’t be around as often as we’d both like. My life was centered in California, and her life was here. I didn’t want her to have to make a choice between her career and being with me.

Then there was Viv. I’d spent years with her now. She was my friend, someone I valued, someone I loved having in my life. It felt wrong to have all these thoughts and feelings for Bianca when I had Viv. I didn’t want to hurt her. I’d learned my lesson with Bianca. People’s hearts were fragile. They needed to be handled with care.

And then there was me, trying to find my way through this mess. No wonder my inspiration had gone dry. Every waking second was devoted to trying to navigate the shit show that had become my life.

I took another sip of my beer and let it dangle from my fingers. People walked on the sidewalk below me. A barge went down the river, pushing coal. A city bus stopped at a curb. It amazed me how different cities could be, all across the world, but how similar they were. People went to work, had lunch with friends, and lived life. It was never-ending, one thing you could always count on. Sometimes I wished I could get lost in the crowds and experience life from the everyday person’s perspective, but I knew I was goddamned lucky. I got to wake up every day and do what I loved. And I did love it. Singing, playing, writing, recording. Every day was a blessing.

Sometimes, though, I wondered what would have happened if life were different. What if Bianca had asked me to stay? What if I refused to sign up for that second half of the tour? Would Bianca and I have stayed together? Would we have found a way to make things work? Would I have grown to resent her? What if I hadn’t ended things with her? Had me ending it with her given her a chance to thrive on her own? The thoughts depressed me because there was no clear answer, though I knew to the bottom of my soul I would have grown to resent Bianca if I wouldn’t have gotten a chance to try. I wasn’t sure I didn’t resent myself for not trying harder with Bianca though. When I saw her, it felt like she could be the missing puzzle piece to my happiness.

It wasn’t that I was unhappy, because I wasn’t. But when she was near, it felt like I was missing something, and she was it.

I finished the beer and continued standing there, arms resting on the balcony railing. I closed my eyes and let the warm summer air surround me. Sadness pooled inside of me, and I couldn’t seem to shake it.

Warm arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me from my thoughts. Viv pressed her lips to the back of my arm. “You’ve been out here a long time,” she said, her voice husky with sleep. “I woke up and expected you to come to bed with me.” She squeezed me a little, making sure I got her meaning.

I fought the urge to push her away. I was drained and suddenly exhausted. I didn’t feel like being touched—at least not by her. “I just needed some time to think.”

“Everything okay?”

I stood up straight and disconnected her limbs from my body. I sat in a chair and kicked my legs up on the railing. “Just a lot to think about.”

“Wanna talk about it?” She sat on my lap and wound her arms around my neck, pressing her face against my chest.

I grunted and shoved a hand through my hair. “Just thoughts. The record label wants some tracks written, and they want us to get into a studio to lay down some preliminary recordings.” I sighed. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to get back to music, but I couldn’t find any inspiration. My well had run dry, and I worried I was done. I didn’t know what to say. Maybe I was done. Maybe I’d accomplished everything I was meant to accomplish.

“Oh, Nashy,” she cooed. Her fingers toyed with the back of my hair, tickling along the base of my skull. I wanted to move away from her, but that’d bring questions I wasn’t equipped to answer. “I’m sure the wedding stuff doesn’t help.”

I rested my hand on her thigh. I waited for the usual desire to stir inside of me, but I felt nothing. “It’s a lot, yeah. But I’ll get through it.”

“I know you will.” She leaned in and kissed me. Her lips felt weird against mine, almost like they didn’t belong there any longer. “I leave tomorrow to go back to California. How do you want to spend our last night together?”

“Wanna get dinner?”

She pressed her lips together, and her shoulders sagged briefly. I was sure that’s not how she wanted to spend the night, but the thought of staying in this hotel room was suffocating. “Sure. Room service or do you want to go out?”

“You don’t want to waste that dress on a night of room service; let’s go out.” I smiled at her, and she beamed up at me, practically purring her approval. I knew what to say and how to say it to keep her happy.

Down in the lobby, we asked about places nearby that were good. They recommended a place on Mount Washington, which I thought was perfect. We could take the incline up to the top of the hill and dine with a view of the city unlike any other. Mount Washington was a tourist stop that couldn’t be missed. There were overlooks and some restaurants. I knew Viv would love it. You could see The Point, where two rivers merged and formed a new one. At night, the lights from the city were beautiful.

I’d heard of Chateau before when I’d lived here as a kid. It was a well-known place even then, so I knew it’d be a great place to go. When we got there, I placed my hand on the small of Viv’s back and guided her through the restaurant. It wasn’t very big. The dining room was small and intimate, and everything faced the wall of windows that showcased the view. When Viv saw it, she smiled back at me, clearly impressed.

I heard a laugh, and I turned toward it. Bianca sat in the corner, her finger tracing the rim of a wineglass. She was leaning forward with her chin resting in her palm, gazing at the man across from her. My own smile fell off my face as something twined throughout me, starting in my gut until it ensnared my heart. When it reached my throat, I couldn’t hold back the words. “Bianca’s over there,” I said.

Viv looked. “We should go say hi, don’t you think?”

I nodded and walked toward the table, not even waiting for Viv. I didn’t even look back at her. I needed to know what was happening and who this guy was. When I stood in front of them, Bianca glanced up at me before jerking back in her seat. “Bianca,” I said, sounding predatory to my own ears. I wanted to tell her to get up, to come with me, but I had no right. I was here with my fiancée for fuck’s sake. But there was something about seeing her here with another man, that tore at me. My jaw ached with how hard I was clenching it.

“Mr. James,” she responded. “This is Ethan.” She gestured to the man across from her.

Ethan stood and shook my hand. His grip was firm, almost too tight, as he pumped our joined hands up and down. I could tell he was sizing me up the same way I was sizing him up. “Mr. James, it’s nice to meet you.” I couldn’t tell if he recognized me.

“It’s good to see you again, Bianca,” I said, completely disregarding the douchebag in front of me. He was broad shouldered and dressed in a dark gray suit.

“Vivienne.” Bianca smiled at her as Viv slid up to my side, wrapping her arm around my waist. “What a pleasure to see you tonight.”

At this, Ethan’s jaw dropped, and he stuttered, clearly recognizing Viv. I smirked at his dumbfounded reaction. I checked on Bianca. Her eyes were averted, staring into her wineglass. I wanted to pull her from the table and tell her that any man that made her feel less than didn’t deserve her time.

And then I realized I was one of those asshat men that made her feel less than.

“Wow,” Ethan said, looking over his shoulder at Bianca, clearly wanting her to be as amazed as he was. “A rock star and a movie star in one night. How in the world do you guys know Bianca?”

I parted my lips to answer something about being the first man inside her, but Viv cut me off, thankfully. “Bianca is helping plan an event for us,” Viv said slyly.

Ethan smiled down at Bianca, his features softening. Affection was clear in his eyes as he gazed at her. I wanted to punch him in the face. My hands fisted. “She’s amazingly talented, isn’t she?” Ethan ran his fingers down the side of Bianca’s face. She smiled at him slightly, just the corner of her lips tipping up. I wanted to rip his hand off her.

“She really is,” Viv gushed. “She’s been more than we could ever imagine.”

“Okay, okay,” Bianca interjected, laughing. “We don’t need to pump my ego up more than it already is.”

“You don’t have an ego, Bianca.” He grabbed her hand and held it. Why did he have to touch her while he stood here with us? Wasn’t he more interested in Viv a minute ago? When had that changed? He kissed her fingers. Bianca’s cheeks actually turned pink.

“Ethan,” she said. Something passed between Ethan and Bianca, and I couldn’t figure out what it was. There was a familiarity between them. I wondered how long they’d been together.

“We don’t want to hold your date up.” Viv’s words pulled their gazes away from each other. “We just wanted to say hi.”

“Thanks for stopping over.” Bianca smiled at Viv, purposefully keeping her eyes away from me. “I hope you have a great dinner.”

“Try the coq au vin,” Ethan chipped in. “It’s the best thing they have.”

“I’m sure they can figure it out themselves,” Bianca quipped. “They’ve been all over the world. Our little hometown place won’t hold a candle to the places they’ve been.”

Ethan sat down across from Bianca, still holding her hand. His thumb ran over her knuckles. Each brush stoked the anger filling my veins until it threatened to boil over. “I just wanted to offer some help.”

“We appreciate it.” Viv tugged on my arm. “We’ll leave you guys to it.” Once we were back at our own table, Viv gave me a scolding look. “I can’t believe you.”

“What’d I do?” I opened my menu and buried my face in it.

“You looked at Ethan like you wanted to rip him limb from limb.” She squinted her eyes at me and tilted her head like she was trying to solve a riddle. “What’s gotten into you?”

“I’m just hungry,” I grumbled.

“Then let’s get you something to eat.”

The rest of our dinner passed in tense silence. Viv kept trying to talk to me, but I couldn’t keep my eyes off Bianca and her date. She laughed freely with him. She didn’t appear guarded with him. In fact, she seemed downright comfortable with him. They shared some kind of pastry for dessert. He held her hand and kissed it a few more times. He was clearly into her, though I couldn’t figure out how into him she was. Jealousy made my food taste bitter. Everything I put in my mouth ended up like a brick in my stomach.

When Bianca and Ethan left, I tracked them with my eyes. I wondered if they’d end the night with a kiss or maybe he’d stay at her place. Maybe she’d stay with him.

“Now that they’re gone, do you want to tell me what’s going on?” Viv asked, suspicion coloring her words.

“Nothing. I just didn’t like that guy. I wanted to make sure he didn’t try anything with her.” My eyes left the door they’d just exited and went back to Viv, who was clearly unhappy.

“He seemed really nice to me. Plus, Bianca is perfectly capable of taking care of herself.” Viv sipped her drink. “Are you sure there isn’t something you aren’t telling me? Something about you and Bianca?”

I shook my head. “We were friends, Viv. That was it. I still feel a little protective of her, you know? Like she was my little sister.” I wanted to swallow my own tongue with the words. Bianca had never felt like my sister.

Viv studied me, then let it drop. I felt little cracks forming within me. I didn’t know what to do with myself or how to fix the ugly feelings inside me. I wanted to go home and drink another beer and crawl into bed. Hopefully, Viv would allow that to happen without too much of a fuss.