Chapter Two
David went home that evening with a sense of heaviness weighing on his heart, as he so often did after a day at the shelter. He volunteered there every chance he had but each time he left feeling drained and bitter. He couldn’t escape the feeling of guilt that swamped him. He always wanted to do something more, but he couldn’t, and that simple fact ate at him, although there was nothing he could do about it.
Some part of him knew that he was being harsh on himself.
Over the years, the faces that had frequented the shelter had changed and faded. There were few there who he recognized anymore. Occasionally a straggler would come in, seeking a roof where they knew there was one after venturing out into a world in an effort to change things and make something of themselves and their lives. The world spat them back out and most never got back up. He knew what it was like.
The only one who stayed was an elderly lady. Her skin was dark and marked, clinging to her bones because of her thinness. He always dished up more food for her when no one was looking but it never amounted to anything. She stayed thin and frail, her cheekbones sharp and her eyes lost. Now and then he would look at her and he would swear he saw a glint of recognition in those tired old eyes, but it was gone as quickly as he had caught it and the sadness returned to his own.
David was lucky, and he knew it. He didn’t like to think of the things that made the stragglers who came in unable to remember him because he knew all too well what it was like out there, what you would do to make something of yourself and escape the hole that you were in. Outsiders would never understand that. His arm tingled at the thought, not in a good way.
There had been a man at the shelter today. A beautiful man with golden skin and eyes to match. David had been drawn to him from the moment he saw him. Mikael had had a look of loss in his eyes and David had sensed that he too did not know where he belonged in this realm. He had been silly, telling Mikael he hoped to see him again. Of course, he did, he meant that, but it wasn't a good idea to hope for things. He knew that all too well.
He decided if he did see Mikael again, he would distance himself. After all, allowing people to get close was only asking for a world of hurt and he didn’t think he was strong enough to handle any more pain. Besides, the look of disgust that Mikael had worn at some points during the day was burned into his mind. David couldn’t get that voice out of his head, “They’re so dirty.”
What would Mikael say if he had known David had been that dirty once, even dirtier too? Would David be able to handle the dejection that would surely follow? He didn’t think so.
David sighed and turned in for the night, the beautiful golden eyes of Mikael danced behind his eyes as he fell into a sleep that would always be restless no matter what he did.
***
Mikael awoke the following morning with renewed energy. He had done it. He had branched out. Not only had he left his house and interacted with people, so many people at that, he felt as though he had made a friend. Mikael hadn't had a friend since he was a boy before the idea of speaking to and being around people had really gotten bad.
He shook his head of those thoughts. It was never a good idea to dwell on the past. There was too much hurt there and too much possibility ahead. He hadn’t thought of possibilities for a very long time. The thought of David brought their existence about and he was excited to see the handsome man again. Mikael hoped that the ease he had felt with David was not just a fluke.
It was still the weekend and so he was able to head into the shelter that day. This time he was less hesitant, and he knew more or less what to expect of the place and what was expected of him. He changed only twice that day and brushed his teeth only once. He had dressed really well at first, a dress shirt that he would have worn to work, wanting to impress David. Then he decided it would be better to go with casual again, not only because he had already made that first impression but because he thought of the homeless and how they couldn’t even wear what he considered casual.
Mikael had fallen asleep to thoughts of what else he could do. The entire experience had impacted him deeply. He had his own problems and to him they were massive, but he still thought he at least always had food and a home, a job where he worked hard. Mikael knew that those people had tried to find work. They were not lazy, some of them probably stayed in the shelter for the simple fact that they were too old and weak to be hired. He had yet to come up with a plan.
Although Mikael was renewed, he still had to steady himself and do his breathing exercises before he opened the door. Today the city was quieter, but it still had its hum. He walked out into the streets and once again made his way to the shelter, all the while breathing in and out deeply. The closer he got, the more nervous he felt. This was a different kind of nervousness to the one he usually felt.
There was an old man laying outside the shelter when Mikael reached its doors. There was blood on his shirt and a bottle of beer in his hand. Mikael didn’t think, running to the man instantly. He was awake but groggy, barely able to wrap his arm around Mikael’s shoulders as Mikael helped him into the shelter.
Once inside, all eyes were on him. Mikael closed his own eyes and concentrated on helping the man, moving slowly forward one step at a time. His heart was racing with the anxiety of having so many eyes on him at one time. Still, it didn’t matter. What mattered was getting the man help.
“Sorry,” a voice suddenly said, so close to him that he started and nearly lost his grip. It was the old man, his voice raspy. “I’m a mess…”
Mikael shushed the man, “It’s all right. We’re going to get you cleaned up. Don’t speak until you’ve had some water. You need to rest.”
“There’s no cleaning me up,” the man whispered. Mikael felt the man’s thin body begin to shake, wracked with sobs.
“What happened?”
It was David. Mikael would, he realized, know that voice anywhere. Sure enough, when he opened his eyes, he was looking up into a pair of deep blue eyes. He let David help him carry the old man to an empty mattress on the far side of the room. He didn't stay there. His hands were shaking, and he didn't want David to see how fretful he was. Instead, Mikael made his way over to the kitchen and, already familiar with it, grabbed a plastic cup from one of the cupboards and filled it with tap water, making his way back to the old man and David.
David took the cup from Mikael without a word, pressing it to the old man’s lips. He drank hungrily from the cup. Mikael noticed his lips were extremely cracked and felt a pang in his chest. Anyone could tell the man hadn’t had water in days.
“What’s your name?” David asked softly as the cup was emptied.
“Benjamin,” the man croaked.
“What happened to you, Benjamin? How did you get here?”
As he spoke, David removed the bloodied shirt that Benjamin wore. There was no privacy here and several eyes were still on them. Mikael noticed, however, that some were pointedly looking away, whether out of embarrassment or respect he couldn’t tell.
“Nicky! Bring the first aid kit!” David yelled out and the woman from yesterday ran into a room beside the kitchen door that Mikael had not noticed before.
"I didn’t have much in my cup but all I wanted was a lousy drink after a lousy day in the streets. They judge you, you know, and they look down on you because they’re in big fancy cars and you dig in the trash for a cup to collect coins in. They think we’re the dirty ones but they’re the wolves.”"
Mikael stared at the man, gulping nervously. He was scared but also sad. Is this really what it was like? He had never thought of it this way. They were dirty, he remembered acknowledging that. But for the life of him, he couldn’t see a bath in the cramped room they were in. It wasn’t their fault. He understood that now, but had he even given it thought before? He was sad to think, no. He probably hadn’t.
“It’s all right, Benjamin,” David said. “I understand. I see you got yourself that drink. How did you get these injuries?”
Nicky seemed to arrive right on cue then, handing David a small red box with a cross on it. David thanked her quietly and she moved away as David reached into the box. He pulled out a small bottle of disinfectant and soaked a piece of cotton wool in it. David began applying it to a long cut that lined the length of Benjamin’s abdomen. Benjamin groaned in pain and Mikael found himself sitting on the opposite side of the bed.
David seemed to be pointedly ignoring Mikael's existence, had been since the moment he arrived, but Mikael attributed this behavior to the situation at hand and chose not to think about it too much. It hurt otherwise and Benjamin was in more pain.
“They came at me. Bunch of them. Saw the drink and I guess they thought I had money or something. I can’t see how they would have thought that though. Look at me. I’m a mess. I’ve been a mess for a long time.”
“You were attacked?” Mikael asked, astounded. “For beer?”
David shot Mikael a dirty look and he fell silent, wilting under the stare he received. David continued to clean the wounds, which were seeping both blood and a white liquid Mikael didn’t want to think about. Once he had completed his task, David pulled out two gauze bandages and began wrapping them around Benjamin’s waist.
“Nicky, would you please hold Benjamin’s arms up for me?”
Nicky came over and Mikael wondered why David didn’t ask him for help. He was sitting right beside Benjamin. In fact, he was close enough that he had to move when Nicky came over to assist. He took the hint and stood up, moving away from the scene, another onlooker in the distance.
Once the bandages were wrapped up and sealed, David stood beside Benjamin. He leaned forward and took the cup still in Benjamin’s hands and whispered something to the old man that Mikael wasn’t close enough to catch. He then said slightly louder, “Get some rest, Benjamin. You need it.”
David took the liberty of going to the kitchen to fill the cup with water on his own, Mikael resisting the urge to trail behind him like a lost puppy. He returned with the water and placed it beside the mattress. Benjamin had already passed out.
David came over to Mikael then, “You don’t need to be here, Mikael. You can go home.”
Mikael stared at David. This man seemed to be completely different from the man he met yesterday and the hope that had inflated Mikael that morning seemed to fade away. He didn’t expect to, but there was a slight ache in his chest.
“I came to help. I want to help.”
“You have helped. We would never have known Benjamin was out there if it weren’t for you. We aren’t able to take him to a hospital but we were at least able to treat his wounds as best we could. You don’t need to be here anymore.”
“Why are you here then?”
David looked down then. He looked sad. Mikael wanted to reach out to him then, felt bad for asking his question. The Mikael of before would never have asked it anyway. He would never have said anything in the first place. He would have recognized dismissal and left. But something had changed, something quick and strong, and he couldn't just walk away from this place now that he saw it. His eyes had been opened and he couldn't just go back to sleep and pretend it was all a dream, bad or good.
“I belong here,” David said quietly, his voice practically a whisper.
Mikael heard it loud and clear though and he didn’t even think when he next spoke. The response fell from his lips of its own accord. “Then so do I.”
David didn’t look at him, walked past him and past all the people staring at them. He walked between mattresses where more than one body slept. It was still early but Mikael got the feeling that they would have slept even if it were mid-afternoon. A temporary escape from the pain that filled their days.
He wasn’t going to let David just walk away from him. Not now. He was surrounded by dirt and a smell he didn’t like to think about, he was surrounded by sadness and comfort all at once, he saw faces of the young and the old, and he returned to this because of David He couldn’t say if he would have come back had David been absent yesterday but he somehow doubted it. David had made him look at that which most ignored, really look, and now he couldn’t stop looking.
Mikael followed David, through the door and out into the sunshine. It hurt his eyes after the darkness of the shelter. He shut the door behind him and looked at the tall man’s back, saw that David’s muscles were tense. That time he did reach out to him, his fingertips gentle against the taut shoulders. David seemed to tense more if that were possible, a loud sigh escaping his mouth.
David spun around to face Mikael, pain etched on his face. He snapped at him. “Why? Why are you here?”
Mikael was unsure himself. Why was he here?
Again, he didn’t answer for a long time. Mikael never noticed how long he took to respond with words the way normal people did. It was a part of his introversion. He couldn’t create relationships and be like other people. His brain just didn’t work the same and there was no changing that. It made him an outcast of sorts.
Maybe that was why he was here. He was an outcast and so were all of these people. Maybe not all the volunteers but Mikael had a feeling that David, too, had been cast out by this world. He saw pain in David, more than he would like to see there, and he wanted to help him too. That was why he was here. He wanted to help others like him. He had never expected to find David here.
“I want to help,” Mikael whispered finally, golden eyes meeting blue. “I know what it’s like to be shut out by the world and everyone in it. I know what it’s like to not have anyone who understands you.”
David’s face fell then, and he sighed again. “I wasn’t supposed to find you.”
“What does that mean?” Mikael asked.
David stepped closer to him and Mikael noticed for the first time how quiet this part of his city was. Looking around him, he noticed that the traffic didn't flow here as it did everywhere else. The area was bad because bad areas were cheap and that meant that there were places like this around for the taking, someone in the government covering the costs or otherwise ignoring the illegality of so many people being housed for free. Here and there were people but they were either caught up in what they were doing, a man across the road with his hands over a fire made in an old steel barrel, or they were walking quickly and with fear in their steps in a rush to escape the potential danger that came with being caught around here.
Mikael didn’t have long to observe his surroundings because suddenly David was standing right in front of him. Mikael noticed he still hadn’t shaved. He was wearing a white shirt with a stain close to the hem and another pair of worn jeans, maybe even the same pair as the day before. He smelled of mint and some kind of piney deodorant. He was close enough that Mikael could feel the heat emanating off of him and his own heart was racing faster than it had in his entire life. He didn’t remember being this close to someone who wasn’t a part of his family in his entire life.
“Come with me,” David said and Mikael’s breath caught in his chest.