Chapter Seven
Birds chirped jovially beyond the window pane, singing the arrival of the morning sun. The soft light danced over the pillows and spilled on to the comforter where it warmed Glenn's skin. The sheets rustled as he flipped over and plopped an arm over a sleeping Kaleb, barely rousing the man from his sleep. Not that he wanted to. It was too comfortable to lay here in a sleepy daze. With his eyelids still closed, he puckered his lips to search for Kaleb's familiar skin.
That skin was familiar to him now and he was overjoyed at the thought of that, causing him a sleepy smirk that remained while his lips found Kaleb's. He lingered there for a moment as his hand stroked Kaleb's skin, his hand plummeting beneath the sheets and stroking Kaleb's stomach.
Kaleb hummed. “Good morning.”
“Yes, it is a very good morning.”
Another hum. Glenn dragged his lips over Kaleb's cheek and sought Kaleb's earlobe, nibbling joyfully on the skin when he found it. He felt Kaleb rubbing his back and immediately relaxed against his pillow, feeling his thighs tense. He wanted more. Again.
“That is wonderful,” he groaned.
Kaleb chuckled. “I want you to feel as good as you made me feel last night.”
“Believe me—your presence does that plenty.”
“You're too kind.”
“So are you.”
As they giggled, Glenn rubbed Kaleb's arm and listened to the sounds of morning continue: the way the breeze blew against the window, the fluttering of wings in the trees, and the turning of engines alerting the neighborhood that work would soon begin. For Glenn, work would come later.
Through the slits of his eyes, he drank in the image of Kaleb still peacefully resting. He smiled. “What do you have to do today?”
“I'm covering a few interviews around noon.”
Glenn perked up. “Yeah? What about?”
“Well, the gay community has put together a march for today. Grace and I are going to cover it. She's doing the photography and I'm writing an article about it for the paper.”
“Really? I haven't heard anything lately.”
“It's been under wraps for a while, mostly to avoid anyone interfering. Grace told me that a lot of people are nervous about it.”
Glenn frowned. “Why is that?”
Kaleb took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, placing a gentle hand on Glenn's cheek. “I mean, who isn't nervous these days?”
“That's a fair point. I guess I haven't been out enough to worry about it. I'm not part of the local community.”
“Why not? They have great resources. Plenty of room for artists there. You could totally expand your client-base.”
Tentatively, Glenn shrugged. “I guess I never really felt like I belonged anywhere in particular. Being around people makes me nervous.”
“Do I make you nervous?”
“On the contrary.”
“Then, why would a community of people like me make you nervous?” Kaleb readjusted the comforter over his shoulder. When he was settled, he whispered, “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to judge.”
“No, it's okay. You're right.”
“Still, I hadn't meant it as a pass against you. Being social is an option these days. You don't have to ever leave your house if you don't want to.”
“Unless I want to run into dogs and cute owners.”
Kaleb chuckled, delighted. “You're adorable.”
The pillow felt warm against Glenn's cheek. He felt sandwiched between it and Kaleb's hand, nestled cozily in his bed with a surprising reminder in the back of his mind that he hadn't felt this way in a while. He shut his eyes for a moment and focused on the present, listening to every little noise that erupted in the small bedroom.
When he opened his eyes, he found a motionless Kaleb breathing steadily while staring off into the distance.
“What are you thinking about?” Glenn breathed quietly.
Kaleb turned his attention slowly to Glenn. “Do you remember when you were a kid and thought that being an adult meant you were never scared of the world?”
Glenn lifted his head, causing Kaleb's hand to slip to his neck. He considered the question with as much interest as he would a new color to paint with, even moving his fingers like he would when touching a bottle.
“I suppose I did think that once or twice,” he replied. “But I don't think I still feel the same way.”
“Exactly.” Kaleb rubbed Glenn's collarbone. “That's how everyone else feels. They're adults, but they're scared. I want to know more about that thought process and how to cope with it.”
“It's scary just talking about it.”
Kaleb agreed. His chocolate eyes came into view and Glenn ran a finger over his eyebrows. He perked up almost instantly. “Sorry. Deep thoughts.”
“That's okay. I quite enjoy them.”
“Do you? I thought they were too existential to bring up.”
Glenn giggled. “Nothing is too existential for someone who spends their time mimicking scenic views. Seriously.”
Kaleb joined Glenn's chuckles and bit his lower lip, his eyes washing over every portion of Glenn's muscles. The mere notion of it caused Glenn to prickle with excitement, sending shivers down his spine. His eyelids fluttered as he felt Kaleb followed the curve of his hip with a gentle hand, sliding down his thighs and then back up. Sheer ecstasy. He couldn't stop shaking.
“You're turning me on,” he whispered.
“Yeah? That's the idea...”
Kaleb's hand trailed to the inside of Glenn's thigh, charging each layer of skin with heat. He parted Glenn's legs with one fluid motion and dragged his nails cautiously up to Glenn's cock. Floating like a feather above water, he barely touched the surface of Glenn's cock. He waited there practically holding his breath as Glenn soared with yearning.
“Oh, yes,” Glenn whispered. “But...”
Kaleb chuckled.
“Oh, but I'm sore,” Glenn groaned.
“That's okay. We can save it for later.”
Glenn smiled, caving into the bed. A sense of defeat settled in his chest as he lowered his gaze to Kaleb's chest, peering at the little black hairs that sprouted from the center. He tickled them gently, eliciting a giggle from Kaleb.
“Hey,” Kaleb whispered.
“Sorry. I just love your body.”
“Don't be sorry about that. I like your candidness.”
Sinking further into the mattress, Glenn sighed. “Can you get any more amazing?”
“It only goes downhill from here. I'm an absolute horror to deal with on a regular basis.”
Glenn shook his head and chuckled. “You're silly.”
“Yeah?”
“I like that.” Glenn fell quiet, curling into the sweet silence of the room. There didn't need to be words between them when their hands were wandering over every available surface. Even his usual anxious thinking had subsided, making way for the ability to stay present at this moment. It was a luxurious feeling that rarely overcame him, and he felt honored to be offered such a moment.
He didn't want to break the silence with more conversation, but he was so curious about what Kaleb did. He craved knowledge like he did a fresh cup of coffee in the morning. And it was morning. He needed both.
“So, what would the march be for?” he inquired.
“HIV awareness. Grace and a few friends have been putting together a campaign to bring healthcare to the gay community—affordable healthcare that wouldn't discriminate based on income or accumulated debt due to medical bills.”
“Sounds like a huge project.”
Kaleb's fingers slid down Glenn's collarbone and touched his naked chest. “Beyond that. They've been frazzled over getting it going.”
“As long as they get the right support and funding, they should definitely be able to do it.”
“Yes, that's the problem as well. It's hard to get donations for that sort of thing. Most of us are a little broke.”
Glenn chuckled. “I'd be glad to donate art for an auction. That could certainly help. You could also crowdsource your efforts.”
“That would be perfect. I think Grace already has a page for it, but we could totally try pulling in donations online.”
“Let me know what kind of help you need. I need to get more involved in the gay community anyway.”
Kaleb ran a hand over Glenn's left ear. “We'd love to have you. More specifically, I'd love to have you.”
The gesture should have prompted a smile, but instead, Glenn froze. There it was, that ringing again. Kaleb's hand had left his ear, but it felt as if that hand was covering it and keeping all the noise of the day from greeting his struggling eardrum. The ringing sang loud and blocked out whatever else Kaleb might have been saying. Glenn felt the pressure growing and cringed against it, a symptom that hadn't been present during previous ringing incidents.
He needed his hearing aid, but it was all the way across the room in his underwear drawer. Getting up and searching for it would only prompt question and he wasn't ready to admit the details of his hearing loss just yet. He wasn't even ready to admit it to himself. Out of habit, he nodded and smiled while keeping his eyes on Kaleb's shoulder.
Kaleb looked like he was smiling, or maybe even laughing, but the sounds were muffled by the pillow covering Glenn's working ear. He laughed along and nodded while trying to ignore the persistent high-pitched noise taking over his left ear.
In the same instant, Kaleb was out of the bed. He was standing. He was bending. He was pulling on his clothes. Confused, Glenn sat up and felt the world tilt as his right ear began to perceive the surrounding noise. He stared at Kaleb who stared back.
“What's the matter?” Glenn inquired.
Still staring. Was that anger in his eyes? Oh, God, Glenn had done something terrible. He had committed some great offense in his momentary hearing loss. It would have taken ten seconds to get up from the bed and grab his hearing aid, but no. He just wanted to save his face from being embarrassed.
Glenn rubbed the skin beneath his earlobe, coaxing his ear to clear up. “Kaleb, please tell me what's going on.”
Begging. He was begging. There he was on his knees in his bed, naked save for part of the blanket coating his thighs. He felt the cool air against his cock and his legs, noting that he wanted nothing more than to be warmed by Kaleb all over again.
But Kaleb was already heading for the door. He was grabbing his keys and shoving them into his pocket, doing the same with his phone. Glenn's vision tilted. A knot formed in his throat that he attempted to swallow, pushing it deep down into his solar plexus where it remained. He was sinking. He could feel it. And the mattress did nothing to keep him afloat.
“Wait, where are you going?” he repeated.
Without a response, Kaleb closed the bedroom door. Glenn shot from the bed and ran after him, his vision narrowing as he realized that Kaleb was leaving. His left ear popped, and sound flooded it briefly, making him dizzy all of a sudden. He touched his forehead.
“Kaleb, please,” he persisted. “You don't have to go just yet.”
That lack of response was cold, the sort of chilling sting that came with the fear of abandonment. He watched Kaleb as if he were the slow portion of a movie, motions markedly sluggish. A tint fell over Glenn's vision and changed the overall mood of the scene. He could feel the darkness clouding around his vision, sneaking in like the unwanted anxiety he knew he would shortly deal with.
“Just...stop.”
Kaleb paused. His hand was on the doorknob, waiting, fingers barely touching the surface. He was listening. And Glenn just stared without so much as a word for he had no concept of what to say. Should he apologize? Reveal his shameful condition? Was this the part of the movie where he threw himself to the ground and groveled for affection?
No. None of that was Glenn. There was no way he was going to suck somebody back in if they wanted to leave, especially not someone like Kaleb. Yet despite such a thought, the persistent paranoia of being unwanted and tossed aside took him. It racked him. It made him shake. He stood nude in the hall while just watching, just waiting, just standing.
He stuttered, “C-c-can we talk?”
Kaleb shook his head. “I can't.”
“But we can. All we have to do is sit down.” Glenn gestured to the couch. “Like last night. We can just sit and talk.”
“No.”
That declaration was firm. It echoed in Glenn's mind, clear as anything now that his hearing was undisturbed, and sunk into his chest like a black ball of muck. The stern denial sat there, sticky and unwanted, just the way he felt now. He shivered uncontrollably, wanting to beg more, but he didn't. He just stayed quiet. It was all he could do.
He watched Kaleb go, watched the door close quietly, and sat in the resounding silence that felt like it was pushing in on him. He stood in the hallway holding himself. His skin felt foreign. Everything about his stance felt unnatural, the way he folded his arms over his chest to cloak himself from the impending depression.
“Why?” It was all he could manage to croak at that moment. They had been fine in the bed all curled up and it had felt amazing to him to have such a close bond. And just as quickly, it was gone. It had left. “Just...why?”
He hugged himself harder. The air clicked on and he shuddered against the chilly air spewing from the vent, feeling like he was about to teeter over if he didn't sit down. He managed to make his way to the couch and sank down into it while staring at his reflection in the TV screen.
Maybe Kaleb left because he had an emergency. Maybe it was Eve. There wasn't any indication that his phone had rung, but then again Glenn hadn't exactly been paying attention. And those excuses were far from the truth. Something had bothered Kaleb about that encounter and Glenn couldn't sort it for himself.
He was usually on top of these situations. Whenever his hearing acted up, he could pick up on social cues: facial expressions, physical gestures, and especially moving lips. Lip-reading was a talent he had picked up whenever his hearing began to fade, but he hadn't been looking at Kaleb's lips.
I should have been more attentive, he reflected. I should have been looking at his mouth while he was talking. It's what I'm supposed to do.
Instead, his default had taken over, a sort of cruise control of functioning that helped him survive his daily tasks in the world beyond his house. It reinforced the feeling that he should probably never leave his house again, but that was ridiculous. He would eventually need to go to the store for food or to meet a client to discuss a commission.
He let his hands fall. They slid down his arms and landed on his thighs, his fingertips feeling colder than the rest of his body. This was embarrassing. If he had been proactive or simply honest, then this wouldn't have happened. Or would it have happened anyway? There was no telling otherwise. He hadn't lived through any of those experiences yet.
So, what was stopping him?
Glenn peeled himself away from the couch and slowly trudged to his bedroom. He didn't bother opening the underwear drawer to fish out the package. It didn't matter now. The sinking weight in his gut pulled him to the bed and anchored him there, keeping him still as the sun rose higher in the sky.
Cars passed, and birds continued to sing their morning songs. It all sounded ethereal like a poorly constructed dream. Maybe it was a dream. It could have all just been a passing vision; a result of his overactive mind. Were it not for the way his skin prickled at the sensation of cold air, he would have chalked it all up to one. But it wasn't a dream. This was very real, and it felt heavy. Too heavy.
He couldn't move.
“What am I so worried about? It's not like he meant that much to me.”
That was a lie.
“A passing fancy at best. Not like I ever really liked dating.”
Another lie.
“Romances are fleeting. Artists are dramatic. The usual stuff.”
More excuses.
“He's just a... he's just...”
Glenn let his words fail. Kaleb wasn't just anything. He was a work of pure kindness and affection. He was canvas covered with experiences and whispers and secrets and hidden gems wrapped in the gorgeous black skin he had come to admire. His skin was a palette of memories and of all the things he had come to love and value. Every word that came from his lips spoke of his wisdom and alertness; his realistic, yet hopeful view of the world. He was a visionary and a creator and...
Now, Glenn wouldn't be able to unravel those mysteries. He wouldn't be afforded the luxury of seeing those writing projects come to life or to read the amazing poetry that had captured his heart. A string of words ran through his mind, echoing the verses he had read the previous day. They were Kaleb's words spoken in Kaleb's voice. They were everything he had ever wanted to hear from a lover.
That was ruined. Glenn had destroyed it. The bond they had been building together beneath his bedsheets laid in a heap of discarded desires and goals. They could have been tangible things, too, but he had disregarded their delicate nature. He hadn't considered it serious.
“It's fine,” he stated confidently. “I'm fine.”
That, too, was a lie.