Chapter Three
David led Mikael through parts of the city that he had never been through with anyone else. He knew all the backroads, knew how to escape the eyes of those who judged and those who sought to cause hurt. He led Mikael through these now.
In the recesses of his mind, David was uncertain as to why he was allowing Mikael into his world this way. At the forefront of his mind, however, David was struck with nostalgia. It had been a long time since he had been here. He had almost forgotten. The way his heart raced reminded him of all that, and he was a teenager again, running through streets with the fear that someone was always behind him. He heard a siren in the distance and even though there was no need, he felt fear grip his chest.
He understood why Mikael had made the comment about the homeless being dirty yesterday. Of course, he did. They were. Even he, walking through streets that were once as good as home to him, couldn't help but notice the grime that lined them. How could he have forgotten?
Mikael was close on his heel and David found consolation in his presence. He had not been here for a long time, it was true, but he found himself gladdened by the fact that he did not need to go through it alone. He was a scared boy again.
“Where are we?” Mikael asked after some walking.
David stopped walking and turned to face Mikael. “It’s dirty, isn’t it?”
Mikael’s eyes widened with what was clear hurt and David instantly felt remorse for his choice of words. He had not intended to remind Mikael of the day before, of his comment. He realized Mikael had not meant to speak his thoughts out loud.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way. I just…” David paused. “I forgot how dirty it was. I don’t know how but I did. I haven’t been here for a long time.”
Mikael stared at him, his brows furrowed and confusion clearly written on his face. They were in an alleyway, dumpsters lined the back wall and David had stopped beside what was once one of the top three places he used to sleep when he got too tired to keep running or when the feeling of numbness began to fade away.
“I made something of myself because of the shelter. The lady who helped me is still there. Her name is Beth. She cared for me like a mother when I arrived. I was a skinny boy covered in weeks of dirt and hands greedy for food and perhaps for more. I didn’t even say thank you for all the help I got from volunteers, nor from those just like me.” He paused, running his hands over his face at the memory. "She taught me what it really meant to be grateful. She taught me a lot.”
“She means a lot to you, huh?”
“She does. One morning she helped me clean up, really clean up, and I didn't know why. A donation had been made the day before she was so excited because there was this suit in the pile. She took it and I didn't understand why until she gave it to me to fit. It was almost perfect – almost because I was really thin, and it was slightly baggy on me. That's when she pulled out the newspaper. Beth loved reading newspapers. They sharpened everything for her, let her in on the world outside that she was no longer a part of."
David felt the tears on his cheeks, warm and salty. He had to stop then, sucking in a sharp breath. Mikael was next to him in seconds. David let the other man wrap surprisingly strong arms around him, gentle though they were. He cried into Mikael’s shoulder, smelt the scent of his skin, as Mikael stroked his back soothingly. Dumbly, he thought about how he was wetting Mikael’s shirt and pulled away from him for that reason.
“I’m sorry,” Mikael whispered. “You don’t need to do this. You have nothing to prove to me.”
“No… But maybe I have something to prove to myself.”
Mikael looked at him for a long while. David was beginning to notice this was a part of Mikael’s character. He wasn’t sure what it was but there was something endearing about it. He found himself appreciating the fact that Mikael thought about things before doing or saying anything. He didn’t rush like so many others did. He gave it time. After a while, he simply nodded.
“Okay,” Mikael said, and David took it as encouragement to continue.
His voice shook as he spoke, tears still fell from his eyes, but he knew he had to finish his story. He had never told it before. It was time.
“There was an advert in the paper, in the classifieds. I was perfect for it, Beth told me. I was scared but she had such confidence in me. I had never had a job before. She told me I had to go that very day and so I did. When I got outside the shelter, my hair washed and my skin actually white for once” David paused as he recalled that morning. “I nearly didn’t go. I wanted to go somewhere else for a moment, somewhere I had been many times before. It was mostly the habit. I wasn’t addicted anymore. I had the choice now. I could choose to go back and perhaps never be brave enough to face Beth again or I could follow her directions to the nearest pay-phone and call the circled number in the newspaper I carried.”
“What did you do?”
Mikael sat down on the ground. David was shocked to see him do so, given the fact that they were grimy, and this man was relatively immaculate in appearance. It was clear he was not someone that belonged in this part of the city, in this part of the world. As if sensing his apprehension, Mikael shrugged up at him as if to say, “What the hell.” David sat down beside him then.
“I went to the pay-phone and I called the number. It was construction work. They were looking for young men, strong men. I wasn’t really strong, but I was the age they were looking for and I don’t think they cared all that much as long as I could get the job done. I’ve since learned that desperation has a scent and people in charge feed off of that scent. They knew I would work because I was desperate to work. I got stronger because of the work. They didn’t need me to have experience either and that was great because I never even went to school.”
They sat there together on the floor, in David’s once-bed. Neither of them spoke, but David could feel those cogs in Mikael’s head turning again and knew he was sorting through thoughts before he chose to speak them aloud. Oddly, it made him smile. His face was tear-stained, and he needed to blow his nose, but he couldn’t help but smile at the thought of the strange but lovely man who sat beside him.
“What happened after the phone call?” Mikael asked quietly.
“They gave me an address and I went in for a more official interview. I was overdressed but that was okay because even though I didn’t know it at the time, it wasn’t the job I would be in for the rest of my life. In a way. So what I was wearing was appropriate in the long-term. I like to think it aided my application anyway.”
“So you aren’t in construction anymore?”
"Yes and no," David whispered. Between them, Mikael's fingers were moving up and down his own outer thigh, fidgety, and it was distracting. "I went back to the shelter that day and Beth was incredibly proud of me. She shone with it. She told me that I need to save up and finish school, so I could make something of myself. And that's what I did. I went to school, I kept working, and I kept saving. I had this fantasy in my head that one day I would get both Beth and me out of there. She was proud when I graduated too. She had been too sick to attend the ceremony, but I think she still has my graduation cap somewhere."
Mikael looked up at him, meeting his eyes. “Why is Beth still there?”
David sighed. “When I finished school, I had had enough saved up that I could buy shares of the company I worked for. I did that. I also applied for a higher position, which I got because of my experience and the education I had obtained. I became an admin first, then a supervisor, eventually a manager. With each promotion came more money and my shares were doing well for me. I didn’t need to go back to the shelter anymore, so I didn’t. I got myself a modest little place, but luxurious compared to the streets and the shelter I had called home. I always meant to go back for her but there was always work to be done and I got lost in it all. Eventually, when I finally thought I had had the time I could have made all along, I went back.”
The tears rained once again but David didn’t sob. He didn’t want Mikael to know how sorry he felt for himself. He had no right to be sad because it had been his own fault. Either Mikael could still see his sorrow in the dark alleyway or he sensed it because suddenly his hand was there, his fingers sliding through David’s own. He held it tightly.
“Beth had gotten sick in my time away. I went to her with the full intention of moving her into our new home that very day. I hugged her and began collecting all her things. But she got upset with me. She started yelling that I was a thief, that I mustn’t touch her stuff or she’ll get someone to remove me. She’ll call the police. I stared at her then, really looked. I saw how different she seemed. It was her eyes, really.”
“Her eyes?”
“They didn’t see me. She didn’t know who I was anymore.”
Mikael gasped. David’s head snapped around in his direction to see that the beautiful golden man had the saddest expression he had ever seen. He squeezed the golden hand in his own.
“I’m so sorry, David…”
“It was my own fault, Mikael.”
“No. You could never have known what would happen. You can’t blame yourself. I know you think that if you had gone back sooner, things might have been different, but the truth is that you can’t know that. It might have happened the very same day that you last saw her.” Mikael was heated now, and he stood up in front of David, pacing back and forth while his fingers raked through his floppy hair. “You went back. Don’t you see? That’s the most important part. You went back and you still go back.”
“What does it matter if I go back out of guilt?” David said, agitated.
“Does it matter that I came to the shelter?”
"What? Of course, it does. You wanted to help people. That isn't something many can say."
Mikael knelt in front of David and he cupped his face gently in his hands, forcing him to meet Mikael’s eyes. David didn’t miss the way Mikael’s eyes flitted to his lips before meeting his own eyes once again. "Then it matters because I went out of guilt too." With that, he leaned his forehead against David's, shutting his eyes tightly.
David watched Mikael’s face. He saw the pain reflected on it. Before he knew what he was doing, before he could stop himself, he reached around with one hand and put it on the back of Mikael’s neck. His fingertips brushed through the soft hair at the nape of Mikael’s neck as he closed his own eyes and took a risk.
David pressed his lips to Mikael’s, soft and slow. He heard more than felt Mikael take a sharp breath, but the other man never pulled away from him. David pulled Mikael closer, their lips barely brushing each other. It was like they were testing the waters. Then David’s lips parted and Mikael, with his hands still resting on the sides of David’s face, darted his tongue outwards between them. It was quick and it was gentle and it happened once more before David dared to meet it with his own tongue, hearing Mikael moan softly against his mouth.
It was Mikael who eventually broke away. He sat back on his haunches with a shy expression and his head tilted to the side in such a way that his hair fell into his long lashes. David smiled at him and Mikael smiled back, a genuine smile.
“We should head back. People are going to be wondering about you.”
David chuckled and stood up, holding his hand down to Mikael to help him up. Mikael took it and they began walking back toward the shelter from where they had come. They never let go of one another’s hand.