I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t fuming when I left Bailey’s house. 

You know, when I was nervous and going over to his house in the first place, I’d told myself I had nothing to fear. That it might be awkward for a second, but, ultimately, Blake’s ex-husband would appreciate me coming and explaining Blake’s last wish. I certainly hadn’t been expecting hostility. 

I mean, seriously, why wasn’t he grateful? Did he even get what kind of opportunity this was? 

So many people would have given so much to feel connected to their spouse again after they’d passed. In a small way, this was Blake living on. And he couldn’t embrace that? I mean, seriously, what was wrong with him?

I was seriously trying not to judge, for Blake’s sake, but how could I not? My old best friend was so nice, so kind, and I’d always assumed he’d date people who were equally kind. But this guy was anything but. He had been downright cruel to me. 

I know I’d barged into his life all ‘hey, here’s a message from your dead husband,’ but I still hadn’t expected that kind of reaction. 

I didn’t go straight back home after I saw Bailey. I couldn’t, I just didn’t want to be alone. Of course, I was going to be alone no matter where I went. I no longer was close to anyone that lived around here. 

Still, I could choose to go somewhere public and have people around, even if they weren’t around for me. Which is exactly what I decided to do. I went to a nearby park. 

It was a place Blake and I had used to visit frequently. It was more Blake’s choice than mine. Before him, I’d never really bothered going to public parks, because I hadn’t seen the point. 

But, whenever we’d had nothing to do and Blake had wanted to be outside, this had been the place he’d chosen. He loved the shit out of this park. It had this small pond, and he used to love to grab bread and feed the ducks that would gather excitedly as we sat on a dull green wooden bench. 

It was nice. I really came to enjoy that time we shared. We’d grab coffee and just catch up about each others’ lives. 

I hadn’t been back here since his death. I hadn’t even really thought about it. But I had the urge to today, I don’t know why. I guess, in a small way, I was seeking his presence. 

But, even more than his presence, I wanted his guidance. I needed to know what to do in this situation. 

I sighed and sat down at our old bench, watching the ducks circling the lake in different directions. 

I ran my fingers over the place he’d usually sit. Tiny little splinters threatened to enter the skin on my hands, but I didn’t much care. A splinter would be the least of my problems today. 

Seriously, what was I going to do? What if Bailey refused to do these trips with me? There was nothing I could do to force him, of course, but I really needed him to fucking do it. 

If he didn’t do it, I was not fulfilling Blake’s last wishes. And if I couldn’t fulfill his last wish, what the fuck kind of friend was I? I needed to do this for him, I really did. 

I guess, in some small way, Bailey’s insult to me was right. I do feel like I owe Blake. I certainly feel guilty for being gone. I know it’s not technically my fault, but… 

But I missed it all. I missed the last of his life, and this is all I had. This one connection to him. And, unfortunately, to continue on with that connection, I needed Bailey. 

Why wasn’t he seeing it the way I was? As a gift of communication between Blake and us. A present that most people simply weren’t afforded after their loved ones passed. 

And how much effort had Blake had to go through to do this? While he’d been dying, no less! There were plans for trips, letters to the both of us, I had a whole box full of them. Okay, it was a pretty small box, but still. It’d obviously taken so much time to do. There were at least five activities and just as many letters. 

I hadn’t opened up a single letter, either. My initial letter told me not to, and I was being incredibly loyal to him. All letters had a designated time, usually “before x activity” or “after x activity.” So, to read the letter I had to actually, you know, go on the trip. 

I guess I didn’t have to. I could always read the letters anyway. But that felt so wrong. That wasn’t what he fucking wanted. I wanted to give him what he wanted. 

And it made me damn suspicious that Bailey didn’t. Sure, maybe he had actual decent reasons not to go through with the trips, maybe it was just stress and anxiety or depression… I don’t know. But right now, my mind couldn’t think of any reasonable excuses. I went straight to thinking he was just a shitty person, who didn’t care about what his dead husband had wanted. 

I was starting to wonder why he’d even gotten married to Blake. Like, had he really loved him? They had gotten married after only a few months, and it had been after they’d found out Blake had cancer. 

What if he had more sinister reasons to want to get married? Maybe it was because he’d known that Blake was dying, and he’d been hoping to get something out of him. Maybe he’d thought he could get some money after his death, I don’t know. Blake wasn’t super wealthy, but he did have some money, he was always fiscally responsible. 

But I hated thinking that. Because it made me think Blake might have gotten duped in his last days, and that would also be my fault, because I hadn’t been there to look out for him. 

He’d always been a smart guy, though. I couldn’t see him falling for anyone’s bullshit. He’d have seen straight through an act like that, I think. Unless maybe he’d just felt alone and desperate for companionship. 

Again, that’d be a little bit my fault. 

I looked out at the lake, tried to take in a deep breath of fresh air, and think about something else. I couldn’t keep guilting myself this way. I hadn’t been his only friend, he’d had his family, not everything that happened fell on me. Nothing that happened fell on me. And the weight of this burden that I shouldn’t be bearing was going to kill me. 

It’d been like this ever since he’d died. Ever since I couldn’t get a flight back in time to get to his damn funeral, I’d felt different. I hadn’t been the same person. 

And then when I got his package, I got my first light of hope. I was embarrassed to admit it, but I thought to myself: ‘Okay, here’s my opportunity. This is how I can absolve myself. This is how I have a connection with my best friend again.’ 

Now absolution may never come. His husband may be too selfish to ever do this for him, and I’ll be left to feel like I’ve failed him forever. 

I don’t know if I can handle this feeling forever. 

I couldn’t stand to look at the pond anymore. Not that it wasn’t beautiful, it was, absolutely. The sun was glistening on small waves made by the ducks. I’d never seen the grass so green, and, all in all, it was a beautiful day. 

But I couldn’t experience it with Blake, and I didn’t know how to cope with that. 

I don’t know how long I sat there with my head buried in my hands. Fifteen minutes? Half an hour? Maybe even longer. I felt frozen in time. But I was brought back to reality when a slight breeze and the rustling of the bench told me that someone had sat down next to me. 

My first feeling was embarrassment. I looked like a public disaster like this, and someone had probably been waiting to sit at the bench. I jerked my head out of my hands and immediately apologized.  

“I’m sorry, I—”

I froze in the middle of my sentence as soon as I realized who was sitting next to me. 

“You have nothing to apologize about,” he said quietly, “if anything, I do.” 

It was Bailey.