“Great game, man,” my team mate, Connor, patted me on the back. 

“Thanks, man,” I nodded at him. 

We had just won our third consecutive game, and, not to be cocky, but I had a lot to do with it. I put my all into this game, as I did every game, and I was damn exhausted. I wasn’t even ready to go to the locker room yet. I was sitting in the dugout, drinking water, and watching the jumbotron which was replaying what it had played during the seventh inning stretch.

This wasn’t something I did every game, but, occasionally, I’d wait around to see what played on as people left the stadium. They often had highlights from earlier in the game going, and I liked to see a play-by-play. I think it’s important to go back and re-watch the game to see where your team went wrong and where it went right. I often recapped the whole thing when I got home. 

And there were highlights playing today… but that’s not what grabbed my attention. 

After a few highlights, I saw the jumbotron put on the kiss cam. I generally ignored these. It was only ever awkward young couples and older people who looked completely bored. Some people find the cringworthiness entertaining, but I don’t. It only makes me feel weird. 

I was about to look away when I saw something that caught my eye. It took me a second to process what I was seeing, but, when I did, my jaw dropped. 

I knew that face! I knew it from a long time ago… it was Ben. 

My heart started pounding in my chest. Even louder than it had been pounding when I was actually out in the field. 

I’d never thought I’d see him again… I mean, I’d hoped. I’d always hoped. But I hadn’t actually thought it would happen. Not after a year of no-contact… 

I thought he had moved far away. I thought he was probably halfway across the country at this point. I’d never expected I would run into him organically again. Or, well, I guess seeing him on the jumbotron at one of my games isn’t exactly organic. 

But, wait, that makes it better, doesn’t it?! He came to one of my games! He knew I’d be here, and still he came… does that mean he actually wants to see me again?

I’ve done everything I possibly could to get a hold of him. I’m not proud of it, but I called nonstop until he changed his number. I went to his house… but he had already moved. I’d had so much to tell him, so much to explain, but he’d given me no opportunity to do it. But, now, he was here and… and maybe we could finally talk. 

But would it even matter after a year? Maybe if I was able to get a hold of him right away, I could have explained, but now… after all this time has passed? It’s too late. 

No, but maybe it isn’t. Because he’s here, right? And that must mean he wants to see me. 

But my hopes of this were quickly dashed when he kissed the lips of the man who had his arm around his shoulder. 

I should have seen that coming, it being the kiss cam and everything. But sometimes the kiss cam stops on people who look like couples who actually aren’t. I’d thought maybe he was just a friend with his arm around his shoulder, and the people in charge of finding couples for the kiss cam had misinterpreted that… I don’t know. I guess that was my rationalization. 

But he kissed him. So, maybe it really doesn’t matter. Maybe he’s moved on. 

I hated the mere thought. I couldn’t let him go! I just couldn’t. I hadn’t been able to in the last year, and I didn’t think I ever would. And I wouldn’t have had to let him go… if things had just gone a different way… if I had been able to talk to him one more time. 

But I could talk to him now. It might be too late, but I had to try. It might be my only chance. 

Without even thinking about it, I started running for the private exit of the stadium and then running to the front parking lot so I could see if I could find him while he exited. 

It might be a selfish thing to do, especially since he was clearly dating someone else. The kind thing to do would be to just let him go, live his life, move on without me. But, I wasn’t selfless enough for that. Not without talking to him one last time. 

Besides, maybe it wasn’t too late. Maybe he hadn’t moved on. I mean, I know I just saw him kiss a guy, but maybe he’s not dating him. Maybe it was one of those awkward, forced, pity kiss cam kisses. You know, the kind you give to the person you friendzoned who still really likes you, but you can’t shake. 

Okay, so that was hopeful thinking, but I couldn’t control being hopeful. Hope was all I had left at this point. 

As I got to the front of the building, I realized that about half the people in the stadium had already filed out of it. I immediately lost hope that I was going to be able to catch Ben at all. I still had to try, though. So I stood along the wall, trying to be discrete, hoping nobody would notice me. 

Of course, this was too much to hope for. I was still in my goddamn uniform! Anyone who came to a Hawks game knew who I was. I wouldn’t even be able to get away with something like this in my plain clothes. 

So, naturally, I was flooded with people who wanted autographs. I normally didn’t mind this. I liked signing autographs for fans, generally. But, right now, all I wanted to do was find Ben. And autographs were a distraction. 

Still, I tried to remain focused. I signed my name for people while I looked over their shoulders to make sure I still saw anyone filing out. 

To my shock, about two minutes later, I saw him. And, to my dismay, he was walking out holding hands with the guy he had kissed. 

“Sorry, excuse me, I’ll be just a moment,” I smiled to the crowd of people who were now surrounding me as I pushed some aside and made my way to Ben.

He didn’t see me at first, his back was turned away, but when his date saw me, his jaw dropped. 

“You’re… you’re Grady Ians!” he shouted excitedly. 

Okay, based on how excited he was to see me, I was guessing he did not know that I was Ben’s ex. That was a good sign. Maybe they weren’t that close. 

“I am,” I smiled. 

Ben whipped around, and I could tell by the surprise in his eyes, he hadn’t come to this game tonight to see me. On the contrary, he seemed absolutely mortified to be looking at my face again. 

“Grady?!” he gasped. 

“I’m so glad you came!” I said, excited but trying to sound casual. Especially in front of his date. “Did you enjoy the game?”

Ben only nodded hesitantly, but his date got really excited. 

“Hell yeah, we did! Dude, you freaking killed it out there! You are a baseball superstar, man!”

“Thanks,” I nodded at him, as I turned my attention to Ben, “so, uh, I was hoping that maybe we could talk…”

“How did you even know I was here?” Ben asked suspiciously. 

“Oh, well, I saw you on the kiss cam, actually,” I told him. “I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to catch you on your way out.”

His date looked back between Ben and me, and I could tell he was completely shocked that we knew each other. But he didn’t dare ask about it. 

That didn’t surprise me. People tended to get nervous around me. It’s weird being around someone who is technically famous. People don’t act like themselves. 

“Can we just talk?” I asked him. 

He shook his head. “Sorry, Isaac and I have to go.”

“No, we don’t!” Isaac popped up. “You’ve got all the time in the world. This is Grady Ians, he’s a superstar. You talk to him, I’ll be in the car.” 

I was surprised that his date responded so well to this. He must not have gathered yet that something romantic had happened between Ben and me. I wouldn’t leave my date to talk to his ex alone, that was for sure. 

As soon as Isaac walked away, Ben’s demeanor changed completely. He looked livid. 

“What the hell are you doing, Grady? Can’t you see I’m on a date? Wasn’t the kiss cam enough evidence of that for you?”

“Yes, but—”

“But, even though I’m on a date with a new guy who is cute and funny, you decide it’d be smart to pop up and interrupt my night with him. That’s really fucking selfish.”

“I know,” I didn’t even try to defend myself. If I was selfless, I wouldn’t be chasing him down like this. 

But I’d had to. I had so much to tell him. 

“I’m sorry, Ben, I truly am. And I’ll leave you alone to go enjoy the rest of your date, but… but I have to talk to you. You’ve given me no way to talk to you, and… I have stuff to tell you.” 

He frowned. “And why do you think I’ve given you no way to talk to me? It couldn’t maybe be because I don’t want to talk to tou? Because I’m trying to move on with my life? I knew you’d do this… I knew you’d come crawling back, and I can’t have it.” He turned around and started to walk away. 

I grabbed his wrist. Not hard, not enough to keep him with me, he could’ve kept walking if he wanted to. But I hoped my touch would be enough to stop him from leaving…and it was. 

“Ben, look, you don’t know everything that you think you do, okay? You shouldn’t have blocked me out. I understand why you did, but… but by doing so, you really fucked things up for us.”

He spun around on his heel. “I fucked things up?!” he snapped. 

“Okay, that didn’t come out right—”

“It wasn’t my life that got in the way, Grady. It was yours. And I understand why you made the decision you made, but… but you still made it! You still chose someone else over me, and I can’t just forget that.”

“But that’s the thing!” I said, in a pleading voice. “I didn’t just pick someone over you, I mean... you were always first in my heart. You know that. If it was left up to just love, it would have been you, it was always you. If I was following my heart, if I was trying to make the choice that would have made me most happy, that choice would have led me to you,… but…”

“But you had to do the right thing, I know. I remember. You’re an honorable man, I haven’t forgotten, don’t worry. Who could forget?” 

He wasn’t receptive to anything I was saying, and I knew, any second now, he was going to step away from me. And once he stepped away… that was it. He was going to be gone again. I’d have no way to reach him once again. 

I couldn’t take the thought of being isolated from him again. 

“Ben, just give me a chance. One conversation. One opportunity to explain myself. And if you don’t like my explanation, if you don’t like talking to me, then that’s fine! You can move on! You can go about your life as you already have been, and there will be no harm done.”

“You know how else there will be no harm done? If I just don’t talk to you at all.”

Tears were welling up in my eyes. “Ben…”

He sighed. I could tell my emotions softened him. They always had, he was a nurturing man. He couldn’t stand to see me upset and still continue to try to hurt me. 

“Look, Grady, I know you still have feelings and it’s hard,… but you need to let this go. Getting over you was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, and I don’t want to have to do it again. So, if you ever cared about me, let me walk away.”

“I have always cared about you!” I defended myself. “And that’s why I can’t let you walk away, knowing I may never see you again. Knowing this may be our last conversation.”

He looked at me and then slowly started shaking his head. “I don’t think you really have a choice.”

And I didn’t. He was going to leave right now, with his new boyfriend, and never look back, and I had no control over it. And the thought of that was sending me into a spiral of panic. 

He began to step away, and I grabbed his wrist one more time. This time, I grabbed the pen that someone had handed me to do autographs with it. Quickly, I wrote my number down on his arm. 

He jerked his arm away as soon as I’d finished. “What the hell is this?” he snapped. 

“My number,” I explained, “I may not be able to convince you to stay with me right here, I know that. But maybe I can convince you to at least give me a call later. Because you should give me a call later, Ben, I mean it. You have no idea what happened after you moved away, and… and you might change your mind. I sure did.”

He looked down at the number, then up at me, and I could see from the expression on his face that his resolve was starting to falter a little bit… 

But he didn’t say anything else. He walked to his car to meet his boyfriend, and I felt heartbroken as I watched him walk away. 

As soon as he left, fans surrounded me again. Now, not only was I emotionally and physically drained, but I had to deal with the embarrassment of knowing some of these people had probably just eavesdropped on my conversation with Ben. 

I just had to hope that nobody had realized it was a romantic conversation. I hadn’t outed myself as bisexual yet and didn’t plan to for now. I had no desire to make my sexuality known to the public. I gave a lot to my fans, but my private life was none of their business. 

I signed as many autographs as I could, then excused myself to go back to the locker room. I was relieved when I was no longer surrounded by a crowd of people. Now I had some peace and quiet to think about what had just happened with Ben. 

I felt extremely dejected. The conversation hadn’t gone the way I’d wanted it to, though had gone in the direction I’d expected it to. 

Still, I had one thing that was keeping me hopeful, he now had my phone number. I didn’t think he’d use it or anything. He was going to wash it off his skin tonight and be done with me for good… 

But now I could at least hope that he wouldn’t. I could hope that he might reconsider things and call me. 

Before I wrote the number, if he had walked away, I know that would’ve been the end of it. He’d have no way to contact me again, even if he’d wanted to. It would have been really, seriously over. 

But now, I knew that there was a chance. A small one, sure, but even the smallest chance was better than nothing. 

I couldn’t live with nothing. Not anymore.